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By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the Raw Rant. In case you missed the PPV (let’s face it, you did), then you don’t know we have a new WWE Champion in Sheamus. Yeah. I’m sorry too. In other news, the Usos lost their title match and Alicia Fox became diva’s champion. She’s a slight step up from the previous, but we have a long way to go. Tonight’s show was taped, thus the late posting and lack of commercial information.

Raw 06.22.10

How opens with theme and pyro. Vince is the first out tonight with word that he is in negotiations with Bret’s representatives over what action should be taken on the NXT guys for kicking the shit out of him and giving him a ten foot limo ride for no reason. Vince welcomes us to the show and reminds us of Sheamus winning just to start the show on a real downer so the rest of it might look better. Vince says the person to blame for the chaos of the main event was Bret Hart’s fault and he made a bad decision by firing the NXT rookies. He says it’s his fault for not showing up last night because it was no excuse he had his ass kicked. He says Bret didn’t even tip anyone off something might be happening, but the last time someone did that all they did was say the dogs were to and that didn’t turn out so well so can you blame him? Vince “relives” Bret of his duties. Vince says the new GM wishes to remain anonymous and will be issuing instruction
 via e-mail on the announce desk and Michael Cole will announce things for us when it happens. Oh yay. Apparently they tied the thing into the sound system as we hear the loudest e-mail message ever when one comes in right now (this is stupid).

The message says the new GM is hiring all the Rookies and they will be allowed to address everyone tonight. Vince decides to leave as Sheamus arrives. So soon? I was just starting to forget. Michaels Cole says there are no disqualification in Fatal Fourways, which makes no fucking sense, because nobody uses weapons so it was perfectly legal for the rookies to attack everyone. Vince introduces Sheamus for us. Sheamus says this isn’t how he wanted to win, because more than anything, he wanted to prove he belongs on top. Maybe he should try less to look like shit all the time. He says he doesn’t deserve the title and can’t accept it under these conditions. Biggest pop I’ve ever heard. He offers it up, but takes the belt back when Vince reaches for it. NO! VERBAL CONTRACT YOU ASS! He goes on for a bit before John Cena interrupts things.

Cena thanks some people too, starting with Vince and tells Michael to thank the GM via e-mail for him so he can know for sure when the NXT guys will be here now that they have jobs (sound logic I suppose, but I always know where the local crazy toothless homeless guy is too). He thanks Sheamus for winning the Fatal Four Way because now he can cheaply get another title reign! Oh, it’s just because he gets to have his rematch and wants to have it in this city for some reason. I don’t know why. Cheap pops? Michael Cole gets an e-mail (no Twitter?) to say tonight’s Main Event will be Sheamus defending the title against Cena despite his protest. Vince says it can’t get better but the e-mail is updated and there is going to be a guest referee in Vince McMahon.

After a break, Evan Bourne is headed to the ring to liven things up, considering the previous segment took fifteen freaking minutes. Bourne is coming in off a win over Chris Jericho last night who is on his way to the ring right now with a mic. Jericho says he requested the match so that he can make a statement and if he doesn’t win, he’s leaving for good (again?).

Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne

Jericho starts off pummeling Bourne, but Bourne catches him with a backslide for a quick two count. Bourne flips around into a swinging motion into an Oklahoma Roll for another two. Jericho dodges a big spinning kick by diving to the floor. There’s a commercial break and when we come back, Jericho is working Bourne over with a half nelson. Bourne comes off the ropes and flips into a school boy for another two. Jericho comes back by dropkicking him to the floor. Has anyone ever noticed Gordon Ramsey and Chris Jericho are never in the same room? I’m not saying they are the same person, just that Gordon could totally kick his ass. Bourne barely makes the ten count and Jericho attacks again.

Jericho goes for a suplex but Bourne counters by flipping into a cross body pin for two. Jericho eats a wheel kick and a another kick sends him to the corner for body splashes which net another two. Jericho counters a head scissors into the Walls. Evan flips back through and manages to get up into a Tornado DDT for yet another two. Jericho comes back with a chickenwing backbreaker which scores himself two. Jericho puts him over his knee for a submission but Bourne kicks his way free. Jericho blocks a corner charge with an elbow and Jericho climbs up top only to eat a hurricanrana for two. Bourne tries to leap knees first into Jericho only for an awesome catch and roll through by Jericho to be converted into the Walls. Bourne is near the ropes, scratching for them like a crack whore at her pimp but Jericho drags him back to center and makes a mad leap to the ropes.

Bourne drags himself up on the apron and Jericho charges only for a flip kick to catch him in the face and set up Star Bourne. Bourne drops right into the knees and eats the Code Breaker instead, allowing a win from Jericho.
Winner: Jericho

Simply an amazing match. Jericho helps him up after the match and then tosses him half way across the ring like any real man should. KICK YOUR ENEMIES WHILE THEY ARE DOWN THEN LAUGH ABOUT IT. It’s the American way. After some commercials we get a replay of the new GM announcement and e-mails. We see Vince in the back on the phone. Ince is apparently telling our GM not to surprise him again. Elsewhere is Virgil waiting to meet Ted who wanted to talk. Apparently they’ve known each other since Ted was a baby and that time Uncle Virgil took him to his naughty room. That might not have happened. Anyway, Ted fires him and “upgrades” to Maryse. Virgil asks what he’s going to do for protection and Ted hilariously replies “Go to the drugstore” which is funny…because rich people order special condoms that do shit like glow in the dark and make light saber sound effects. I tried this out once, and she was kind of into the role play until I told
 it’s safe because Lightsabers instantly cauterize wounds. What?

We then get an interview with the Hart Dynasty. They are upset at Bret being railroaded again. Natalya’s debut Divas match is tonight (I guess we had to get somebody) and she is dedicating it to Bret. We also see a mysterious limo outside and get some commercials before said match takes place. The Uso theme sucks badly. Work on that. Make it suck less.

Natalya w/ Hart Dynasty vs. Tamina w/ The Usos

Tamina punches Natalya around and slams her into the turnbuckle for a stomping. Tamina delivers a headbutt, but misses a follow up in the corner, taking a big leaping clothesline from Natalya. Natalya scoop slams, but stops short of running to the ropes when the Usos come to distract, allowing a distraction from behind. Natalya wiggles free of a Samoan drop and rolls Tamina up only to convert to what appears to be a Sharpshooter attempt when the NXT Rookies appear. The Usos book it and the Dynasty gets into the ring. Wade says they are here to apologize, and Tyson Kidd accept apologies by flinging himself into other people. The NXTers beat them down for it. There’s a commercial and we get no official match ending.

Otunga apologizes for their actions because they love the WWE so much they decided to be complete assholes and break stuff? I mean, do anything. Yeah….whatever. He says it is time to go back to normal and the Ginger one says they are sorry and it was nothing personal. Oh, his name is Heath Slater, thanks, Cole. Gabriel apologizes to Bret and the Hart Dynasty. Young apologizes to Cena. Shefield, or as I like to call him, Baldy McRoids, apologizes to the fans. That other black guy whose name I don’t know says he was homeless and a single parent with too many fucking kids. If you can’t afford condoms, just use a plastic grocery bag or something, Jesus. He basically makes excuses for them and Wade takes over. He says he helped because everyone decided to stick together from the beginning and be loyal no matter who actually won the contract. I wonder if everyone ever tried beating up the producers of Survivor so they all win money. Big “you suck”  chants for Wade. Wade reveals his PPV title opportunity was reinstated too so he goes on to talk about Sheamus.

Wade says they could just as easily beat Sheamus down as they did Cena and he says he will be winning the title no matter who he has to beat. That’s the end of that segment finally and we get on to some pimping for products. Much more interesting. I definitely need to check out that facebook for useless pictures! Morrison makes his way to the ring with his new Rookie. These things are like growths. Are all of them going to go to Smackdown this season making the whole show a pointless waste of time…again? Ted is out with Maryse (not yet out of the closet though). Ted says he has better things to do (implying Maryse) and that he has a replacement. Zack Ryder? Come on, why do I keep seeing this guy? Why the fuck does he have a rookie? That’s like giving one to Funaki.

John Morrison w/ Rookie vs. Zack Ryder w/ Rookie

Well over half way through the show and we are seeing the second actual match here. The Diva non-match does not count. They fight into the corner with Ryder gaining control by shoving Morrison around. Morrison comes back with a big dropkick and beats Ryder into the corner. Ryder misses a corner charge, but manages to shove Morrison off the center rope when he tries to leap off it. Ryder kicks him around some and chokes him out. Ryder slows things down with a headlock. Drink break! Morrison counters a neck breaker into a schoolboy for two and Ryder runs him down with a sort-of clothesline. He celebrates with some “woo” and drops a knee for two. Oh yay another headlock. Who needs to rest so much after two minutes? Morrison pops up with an enziguiri off the floor. Morrison comes back with clotheslines and a cool kind of ax kick maneuver for two. Ryder rolls to the apron to avoid another kick and hangs Morrison up on the rope, but a Rough Ryder  is
 countered into a power bomb, leading to Starship Pain.
Winner: Morrison

Cena is encountered in the back about the apology. He thinks it was pretty personal being put on a stretcher and all. Vince appears randomly (What’s the encounter rate on him anyway? Does he carry epic items?) and says there will be no excuses for anyone tonight and offers good luck as we go to commercials.

Back at ringside, it’s The Great Khali and Eve. I…I really don’t want to watch this. You know you’re not really on the roster anymore when you have to come out to Alicia’s theme.

Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox & Primo Colon vs. The Great Khali & Eve Torres

Primo and Khali start off and as they square off…Primo tags in Alicia, forcing in Eve. Alicia slaps her around so Eve attacks and delivers a headlock take down multiple times. Alicia forces a rope break but eats a clothesline for two. Eve flips over a back body attempt into a dropkick (why does she still do it that way? At least she doesn‘t miss entirely anymore). Alicia drop toe holds her into the bottom rope and for some reason picks up two of this. Alicia slams her face into the mat, but Eve comes back with forearms. Alicia knees her in the jaw for another two count. Eve is tossed into the corner but comes back with…um…It’s a an enziguiri performed by bouncing off of the -bottom- rope, making it look terrible as she doesn’t even get as high as a normal one would be. It just looks like a weak little kick. This is of course DEVESTATING. Eve lands a good moonsault but Primo breaks things up.

Primo stops Eve from chasing Alicia to the floor and gets bitchslapped for asking to make out. What an odd time for that. Khali tags in and Primo begs for his life before getting hammered into the corner while Alicia calls it a night. I’m with her! Bye everybody!…..damnit. Punjabi Plunge puts Primo away for the three.
Winners: Eve & Khali

In the back, we learn Orton is going to have words for us at ringside. Sure enough, after commercials, he’s out to the ring. He says it’s only a matter of time before he kicks each NXT guy in the head now that they are on the microphone. He accepts Wade’s apology and says he hopes Wade wins the title so he can come kick his ass for it. The Miz apparently has words on this. Miz wants to know why Orton thinks he will get another title shot and blames the voices. That’s what I told my boss. Didn’t go over well. Miz says he’s sick of Orton in the Main Event. What about Sheamus and Cena? I guess it wasn’t their turn? Miz says there is one thing Orton or anybody has ever done, which is hold both the US and WWE titles. Miz says the next title shot will be his of course because of the secret that he’s the Miz and he’s…kicking Orton in the stomach. Orton ducks a clothesline and delivers a scoop slam before Miz runs from an RKO. Edge then
 spears Orton from behind. Edge says the real fun begins now. So was that foreplay? I know some people like it rough, but I’m not sure if I’m really into that.

Commercials lead us back to the Main Event time. Cole says the GM has been sending him e-mails through the evening, which is a lie since it only happened during that one segment.

John Cena vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (WWE Title Match w/ Special Ref Vince McMahon)

There is for some reason another ref in the ring and they start the match before the introductions. Maybe the bell ringer got a little trigger happy. They reveal Vince will just be acting as a “Special Enforcer” which isn’t what was fucking said. Sheamus kicks Cena down to start things off and beats him into the corner before using a power slam and getting a two count. There’s a lame attempt at dueling chants as mindless people try to cheer for Sheamus since he isn’t Cena (despite being fucking horrible to watch). The chants build more with a “Cena Sucks” vs. “Let’s Go Cena” war. Sheamus continues to dominate on the way to commercials.

Back from the break, Cena is rallying back against Sheamus, but is sent shoulder-first into the post. Cena rallies again, only to get crushed by a clothesline for two. Cena is clubbed on the apron over the chest a couple of times. Chants start up some more. Cena powers against another attempt and delivers a headbutt. Cena tries to start off his combo, but they double collide with clotheslines. Cena ducks a clothesline for an FU but Sheamus counters with a power slam for two sets of two counts. Sheamus misses the kick and Cena works his combo. Sheamus rakes the eyes to escape another FU and uses what they call the “Irish Curse” backbreaker for two. Another attack by Sheamus is countered into the STF but Sheamus makes the ropes.

Sheamus takes to the floor and Cena follows only to be thrown into the steps. Sheamus would rather actually win I guess and decides to roll Cena back in for a cover of two. Sheamus sets up the ring steps on the ramp and drags Cena out to the floor to toss him into them. Why was that any more effective than having them at ringside again? Back in the ring, Sheamus fires up and delivers the pump kick but the NXTers hit the ring. They chase of Sheamus and destroy ringside again, tossing Cena around. Vince gets a microphone and heads to the ring. No match ending again? Bullshit.

He tells them to leave Cena alone and stop it before inviting them into the ring. He says he’ll take partial responsibility for what they’ve done and asks for a round of applause for himself. He says next week the GM will reveal something before seeing the looks on the Rookies’ faces. It turns out they are joking….OR ARE THEY?! Yeah, Vince beat down. Chant for Bryon’s builds as they surround Vince and finally attack him. They all do some moves and actual “NXT” chants build as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The first match of the night was good, it was a downhill road from there as we had few matches and few entertaining segments with everything revolving around the uninteresting Rookies.

Lowlight of the Night: Just as Bret starts to look good in the GM role, we get a new one.

WWE “Creative“ Award: Whoever thought it was a good idea to make a stable of boring to watch hosses.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).