Welcome to the Raw Rant.
In case you missed the PPV (let’s face it, you did),
then you don’t know we have a new WWE Champion in
Sheamus. Yeah. I’m sorry too. In other news, the
Usos lost their title match and Alicia Fox became
diva’s champion. She’s a slight step up from the
previous, but we have a long way to go. Tonight’s
show was taped, thus the late posting and lack of
commercial information.
Raw 06.22.10
How opens with theme and
pyro. Vince is the first out tonight with word that
he is in negotiations with Bret’s representatives
over what action should be taken on the NXT guys for
kicking the shit out of him and giving him a ten
foot limo ride for no reason. Vince welcomes us to
the show and reminds us of Sheamus winning just to
start the show on a real downer so the rest of it
might look better. Vince says the person to blame
for the chaos of the main event was Bret Hart’s
fault and he made a bad decision by firing the NXT
rookies. He says it’s his fault for not showing up
last night because it was no excuse he had his ass
kicked. He says Bret didn’t even tip anyone off
something might be happening, but the last time
someone did that all they did was say the dogs were
to and that didn’t turn out so well so can you blame
him? Vince “relives” Bret of his duties. Vince says
the new GM wishes to remain anonymous and will be
issuing instruction
via e-mail on the announce
desk and Michael Cole will announce things for us
when it happens. Oh yay. Apparently they tied the
thing into the sound system as we hear the loudest
e-mail message ever when one comes in right now
(this is stupid).
The message says the new GM
is hiring all the Rookies and they will be allowed
to address everyone tonight. Vince decides to leave
as Sheamus arrives. So soon? I was just starting to
forget. Michaels Cole says there are no
disqualification in Fatal Fourways, which makes no
fucking sense, because nobody uses weapons so it was
perfectly legal for the rookies to attack everyone.
Vince introduces Sheamus for us. Sheamus says this
isn’t how he wanted to win, because more than
anything, he wanted to prove he belongs on top.
Maybe he should try less to look like shit all the
time. He says he doesn’t deserve the title and can’t
accept it under these conditions. Biggest pop I’ve
ever heard. He offers it up, but takes the belt back
when Vince reaches for it. NO! VERBAL CONTRACT YOU
ASS! He goes on for a bit before John Cena
interrupts things.
Cena thanks some people
too, starting with Vince and tells Michael to thank
the GM via e-mail for him so he can know for sure
when the NXT guys will be here now that they have
jobs (sound logic I suppose, but I always know where
the local crazy toothless homeless guy is too). He
thanks Sheamus for winning the Fatal Four Way
because now he can cheaply get another title reign!
Oh, it’s just because he gets to have his rematch
and wants to have it in this city for some reason. I
don’t know why. Cheap pops? Michael Cole gets an
e-mail (no Twitter?) to say tonight’s Main Event
will be Sheamus defending the title against Cena
despite his protest. Vince says it can’t get better
but the e-mail is updated and there is going to be a
guest referee in Vince McMahon.
After a
break, Evan Bourne is headed to the ring to liven
things up, considering the previous segment took
fifteen freaking minutes. Bourne is coming in off a
win over Chris Jericho last night who is on his way
to the ring right now with a mic. Jericho says he
requested the match so that he can make a statement
and if he doesn’t win, he’s leaving for good
(again?).
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Jericho starts off pummeling Bourne, but Bourne
catches him with a backslide for a quick two count.
Bourne flips around into a swinging motion into an
Oklahoma Roll for another two. Jericho dodges a big
spinning kick by diving to the floor. There’s a
commercial break and when we come back, Jericho is
working Bourne over with a half nelson. Bourne comes
off the ropes and flips into a school boy for
another two. Jericho comes back by dropkicking him
to the floor. Has anyone ever noticed Gordon Ramsey
and Chris Jericho are never in the same room? I’m
not saying they are the same person, just that
Gordon could totally kick his ass. Bourne barely
makes the ten count and Jericho attacks again.
Jericho goes for a suplex but Bourne counters by
flipping into a cross body pin for two. Jericho eats
a wheel kick and a another kick sends him to the
corner for body splashes which net another two.
Jericho counters a head scissors into the Walls.
Evan flips back through and manages to get up into a
Tornado DDT for yet another two. Jericho comes back
with a chickenwing backbreaker which scores himself
two. Jericho puts him over his knee for a submission
but Bourne kicks his way free. Jericho blocks a
corner charge with an elbow and Jericho climbs up
top only to eat a hurricanrana for two. Bourne tries
to leap knees first into Jericho only for an awesome
catch and roll through by Jericho to be converted
into the Walls. Bourne is near the ropes, scratching
for them like a crack whore at her pimp but Jericho
drags him back to center and makes a mad leap to the
ropes.
Bourne drags himself up on the apron
and Jericho charges only for a flip kick to catch
him in the face and set up Star Bourne. Bourne drops
right into the knees and eats the Code Breaker
instead, allowing a win from Jericho.
Winner:
Jericho
Simply an amazing match. Jericho
helps him up after the match and then tosses him
half way across the ring like any real man should.
KICK YOUR ENEMIES WHILE THEY ARE DOWN THEN LAUGH
ABOUT IT. It’s the American way. After some
commercials we get a replay of the new GM
announcement and e-mails. We see Vince in the back
on the phone. Ince is apparently telling our GM not
to surprise him again. Elsewhere is Virgil waiting
to meet Ted who wanted to talk. Apparently they’ve
known each other since Ted was a baby and that time
Uncle Virgil took him to his naughty room. That
might not have happened. Anyway, Ted fires him and
“upgrades” to Maryse. Virgil asks what he’s going to
do for protection and Ted hilariously replies “Go to
the drugstore” which is funny…because rich people
order special condoms that do shit like glow in the
dark and make light saber sound effects. I tried
this out once, and she was kind of into the role
play until I told
it’s safe because Lightsabers
instantly cauterize wounds. What?
We then get
an interview with the Hart Dynasty. They are upset
at Bret being railroaded again. Natalya’s debut
Divas match is tonight (I guess we had to get
somebody) and she is dedicating it to Bret. We also
see a mysterious limo outside and get some
commercials before said match takes place. The Uso
theme sucks badly. Work on that. Make it suck less.
Natalya w/ Hart Dynasty vs. Tamina w/ The Usos
Tamina punches Natalya around and slams her into the
turnbuckle for a stomping. Tamina delivers a
headbutt, but misses a follow up in the corner,
taking a big leaping clothesline from Natalya.
Natalya scoop slams, but stops short of running to
the ropes when the Usos come to distract, allowing a
distraction from behind. Natalya wiggles free of a
Samoan drop and rolls Tamina up only to convert to
what appears to be a Sharpshooter attempt when the
NXT Rookies appear. The Usos book it and the Dynasty
gets into the ring. Wade says they are here to
apologize, and Tyson Kidd accept apologies by
flinging himself into other people. The NXTers beat
them down for it. There’s a commercial and we get no
official match ending.
Otunga apologizes for
their actions because they love the WWE so much they
decided to be complete assholes and break stuff? I
mean, do anything. Yeah….whatever. He says it is
time to go back to normal and the Ginger one says
they are sorry and it was nothing personal. Oh, his
name is Heath Slater, thanks, Cole. Gabriel
apologizes to Bret and the Hart Dynasty. Young
apologizes to Cena. Shefield, or as I like to call
him, Baldy McRoids, apologizes to the fans. That
other black guy whose name I don’t know says he was
homeless and a single parent with too many fucking
kids. If you can’t afford condoms, just use a
plastic grocery bag or something, Jesus. He
basically makes excuses for them and Wade takes
over. He says he helped because everyone decided to
stick together from the beginning and be loyal no
matter who actually won the contract. I wonder if
everyone ever tried beating up the producers of
Survivor so they all win money. Big “you suck”
chants for Wade. Wade reveals his PPV title
opportunity was reinstated too so he goes on to talk
about Sheamus.
Wade says they could just as
easily beat Sheamus down as they did Cena and he
says he will be winning the title no matter who he
has to beat. That’s the end of that segment finally
and we get on to some pimping for products. Much
more interesting. I definitely need to check out
that facebook for useless pictures! Morrison makes
his way to the ring with his new Rookie. These
things are like growths. Are all of them going to go
to Smackdown this season making the whole show a
pointless waste of time…again? Ted is out with
Maryse (not yet out of the closet though). Ted says
he has better things to do (implying Maryse) and
that he has a replacement. Zack Ryder? Come on, why
do I keep seeing this guy? Why the fuck does he have
a rookie? That’s like giving one to Funaki.
John Morrison w/ Rookie vs. Zack
Ryder w/ Rookie
Well over half way
through the show and we are seeing the second actual
match here. The Diva non-match does not count. They
fight into the corner with Ryder gaining control by
shoving Morrison around. Morrison comes back with a
big dropkick and beats Ryder into the corner. Ryder
misses a corner charge, but manages to shove
Morrison off the center rope when he tries to leap
off it. Ryder kicks him around some and chokes him
out. Ryder slows things down with a headlock. Drink
break! Morrison counters a neck breaker into a
schoolboy for two and Ryder runs him down with a
sort-of clothesline. He celebrates with some “woo”
and drops a knee for two. Oh yay another headlock.
Who needs to rest so much after two minutes?
Morrison pops up with an enziguiri off the floor.
Morrison comes back with clotheslines and a cool
kind of ax kick maneuver for two. Ryder rolls to the
apron to avoid another kick and hangs Morrison up on
the rope, but a Rough Ryder is
countered
into a power bomb, leading to Starship Pain.
Winner: Morrison
Cena is encountered in the
back about the apology. He thinks it was pretty
personal being put on a stretcher and all. Vince
appears randomly (What’s the encounter rate on him
anyway? Does he carry epic items?) and says there
will be no excuses for anyone tonight and offers
good luck as we go to commercials.
Back at
ringside, it’s The Great Khali and Eve. I…I really
don’t want to watch this. You know you’re not really
on the roster anymore when you have to come out to
Alicia’s theme.
Diva’s Champion Alicia Fox & Primo
Colon vs. The Great Khali & Eve Torres
Primo and Khali start off and as they square
off…Primo tags in Alicia, forcing in Eve. Alicia
slaps her around so Eve attacks and delivers a
headlock take down multiple times. Alicia forces a
rope break but eats a clothesline for two. Eve flips
over a back body attempt into a dropkick (why does
she still do it that way? At least she doesn‘t miss
entirely anymore). Alicia drop toe holds her into
the bottom rope and for some reason picks up two of
this. Alicia slams her face into the mat, but Eve
comes back with forearms. Alicia knees her in the
jaw for another two count. Eve is tossed into the
corner but comes back with…um…It’s a an enziguiri
performed by bouncing off of the -bottom- rope,
making it look terrible as she doesn’t even get as
high as a normal one would be. It just looks like a
weak little kick. This is of course DEVESTATING. Eve
lands a good moonsault but Primo breaks things up.
Primo stops Eve from chasing Alicia to the floor and
gets bitchslapped for asking to make out. What an
odd time for that. Khali tags in and Primo begs for
his life before getting hammered into the corner
while Alicia calls it a night. I’m with her! Bye
everybody!…..damnit. Punjabi Plunge puts Primo away
for the three.
Winners: Eve & Khali
In the
back, we learn Orton is going to have words for us
at ringside. Sure enough, after commercials, he’s
out to the ring. He says it’s only a matter of time
before he kicks each NXT guy in the head now that
they are on the microphone. He accepts Wade’s
apology and says he hopes Wade wins the title so he
can come kick his ass for it. The Miz apparently has
words on this. Miz wants to know why Orton thinks he
will get another title shot and blames the voices.
That’s what I told my boss. Didn’t go over well. Miz
says he’s sick of Orton in the Main Event. What
about Sheamus and Cena? I guess it wasn’t their
turn? Miz says there is one thing Orton or anybody
has ever done, which is hold both the US and WWE
titles. Miz says the next title shot will be his of
course because of the secret that he’s the Miz and
he’s…kicking Orton in the stomach. Orton ducks a
clothesline and delivers a scoop slam before Miz
runs from an RKO. Edge then
spears Orton from
behind. Edge says the real fun begins now. So was
that foreplay? I know some people like it rough, but
I’m not sure if I’m really into that.
Commercials lead us back to the Main Event time.
Cole says the GM has been sending him e-mails
through the evening, which is a lie since it only
happened during that one segment.
John Cena vs. WWE Champion Sheamus
(WWE Title Match w/ Special Ref Vince McMahon)
There is for some reason another ref in the ring and
they start the match before the introductions. Maybe
the bell ringer got a little trigger happy. They
reveal Vince will just be acting as a “Special
Enforcer” which isn’t what was fucking said. Sheamus
kicks Cena down to start things off and beats him
into the corner before using a power slam and
getting a two count. There’s a lame attempt at
dueling chants as mindless people try to cheer for
Sheamus since he isn’t Cena (despite being fucking
horrible to watch). The chants build more with a
“Cena Sucks” vs. “Let’s Go Cena” war. Sheamus
continues to dominate on the way to commercials.
Back from the break, Cena is rallying back against
Sheamus, but is sent shoulder-first into the post.
Cena rallies again, only to get crushed by a
clothesline for two. Cena is clubbed on the apron
over the chest a couple of times. Chants start up
some more. Cena powers against another attempt and
delivers a headbutt. Cena tries to start off his
combo, but they double collide with clotheslines.
Cena ducks a clothesline for an FU but Sheamus
counters with a power slam for two sets of two
counts. Sheamus misses the kick and Cena works his
combo. Sheamus rakes the eyes to escape another FU
and uses what they call the “Irish Curse”
backbreaker for two. Another attack by Sheamus is
countered into the STF but Sheamus makes the ropes.
Sheamus takes to the floor and Cena follows only to
be thrown into the steps. Sheamus would rather
actually win I guess and decides to roll Cena back
in for a cover of two. Sheamus sets up the ring
steps on the ramp and drags Cena out to the floor to
toss him into them. Why was that any more effective
than having them at ringside again? Back in the
ring, Sheamus fires up and delivers the pump kick
but the NXTers hit the ring. They chase of Sheamus
and destroy ringside again, tossing Cena around.
Vince gets a microphone and heads to the ring. No
match ending again? Bullshit.
He tells them
to leave Cena alone and stop it before inviting them
into the ring. He says he’ll take partial
responsibility for what they’ve done and asks for a
round of applause for himself. He says next week the
GM will reveal something before seeing the looks on
the Rookies’ faces. It turns out they are joking….OR
ARE THEY?! Yeah, Vince beat down. Chant for Bryon’s
builds as they surround Vince and finally attack
him. They all do some moves and actual “NXT” chants
build as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: The
first match of the night was good, it was a downhill
road from there as we had few matches and few
entertaining segments with everything revolving
around the uninteresting Rookies.
Lowlight of the Night: Just as Bret starts
to look good in the GM role, we get a new one.
WWE “Creative“ Award: Whoever thought it was
a good idea to make a stable of boring to watch
hosses.