WWE
RAW RANT:
(06/14/10)
By Cameron
Burge
Welcome back to the show.
Sorry I wasn’t around last week, had some stuff to
take care of. I’m sure you all care, but it didn’t
involve ninjas and/or robots.
Raw 06.14.10
The show opens with a recap of the footage of the NXT rookies beating up Cena. I like the way they were described like roaches. Wade Barret or however you spell it is in the ring apologizing for what they did to Cena last week and invites the other Rookies to the ring who all brought their ring gear, how convenient. The announcers and ring personal decide to leave for their own safety even though they didn’t use to care when people were going through tables and lighting it on fire back in the day. The rookies refuse to apologize. Otunga says they are the ones deserving an apology. Wade says it’s unanimous, the problem with NXT is they were treated like animals. I love this guy’s voice actually. He sounds like a young Regal.
Bret Hart interrupts things. He says they were reprehensible in their actions but Wade says Daniel Bryon had remorse too and refused to show with them. Wade says he has a contract and title shot of his choosing at any PPV. Wade says the rest have demands and Otunga says they all want WWE contracts. Bret says he’s refusing to sign any of them and Wade says he’s making a mistake. This segment has been going on for fifteen minutes. Bret says because of Wade’s actions he has been dropped as the winner of NXT because he’s fired and the rest can get the hell out of the ring. Nice segment here for Bret in showing his GM power.
Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Insano should have been the star of that movie.
We come back to a Fatal Four Way for the US belt.
US Champion R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz vs. Zack Ryder (US Title Fatal Fourway Match)
One of these things is not like the other. One of these doesn’t belong. What the fuck is Ryder doing here. The match starts with the heels being dumped. Morrison trying a Russian leg sweep on Truth but gets rolled up for two. Ryder tries a roll up too and the actions pills to the floor with everyone diving out and Morrison coming out on top of the suicide dive train.
Random Commercial Thought: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.
Back to the show where Miz is laid out and Ryder is going up top but he is met by Morrison. Ryder blocks a superplex but Truth German suplexes Morrison, allowing him to also superplex Ryder. Morrison tries covering everyone for three kick outs. Miz rolls up Truth for two of his own and gets pounded into the corner. Miz is sent to the floro where he’s run down by Morrison with a clothesline that for no reason kills himself too. Morrison has to crawl in and break up a pin by Truth on Ryder. Morrison sets up on Truth and they both toss Miz to the floor when he runs in. Springbaord off the ropes by Morrison is ducked. Truth counters and picks up a two count but Ryder stops it. Yder hasn’t done anything, oh never mind he just hit the Rough Ryder on Truth for two. Morrison kicks him in the head to send him to the floor but Starship Pain is hit on Truth. Miz tosses Morrison to the floor and picks up the pin.
Winner: Miz
Orton is in the back saying the NXT guys either deserve to be fired or have their brains beaten in and they got off lucky. That was pretty funny. I’m actually surprised how much I’m enjoying this show.
Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is a better show.
Back to the show where Dibaise comes to the back to talk to the guy from Royal Pains. I don’t know his name. They decided to record their audio so bad I couldn’t tell what a lot of it was at first. Apparently Ted wants to host with him but Show is behind him to protect the host as he guest stars in an episode. Virgil and Ted are going to be in a match against them based on this. OH THANK GOD A VIRGIL MATCH I CAN DIE HAPPY. Apparently the Bella Twins then think they are gay. Yep, needed that bit. At least there was no humping.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve got a feeling Lady Gaga is going to kill us all.
Back to the show with a recap of Jericho getting destroyed by Big Show last week before he comes to the ring.
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne starts off strong but gets run down with a clothesline that destroys him for two. Bourne sells everything like a truck. It’s like a tiny Ric Flair. Jericho continues to keep the pressure on and lands the Code Breaker but Bourne kicks out. Jericho freaks and just starts to beat the shit out of him on the ropes until he’s disqualified.
Winner: Bourne
Bourne gets Jericho after the match and hits Air Bourne before they threaten us with a John Cena promo next.
Random Commercial Thought: Those noodles looked pre-eaten.
Back to the show. Cena talks about how the NXT Rookies almost had a good plan because they wanted to get back at management but made all the fans mad instead. How are these guys supposed to stay heels if they are supposedly fired? The NXT guys start coming but as Cena said the WWE superstars hate them, a bunch come to the ring to put a stop to it with King even coming in. Hilariously they are chased off byt Mark Henry and Santino follow. Henry is funny as hell, chugging along too slow and Santino follows them out to the streets where they scatter like rats.
Random Commercial Thought: Schlotzky’s has nasty cooking habits.
In the back. Sheamus says he’s the only one allowed to take out Cena which is why he helped. Makes perfect sense? We then get the threat of a diva tag match after a replay of the battle royal last week. God help me.
Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox
Eve loses out in the early exchange to Maryse. Alicia tags in looking like the world’s weirdest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She picks up a two count and a northern lights suplex gets two more. Fox goes to a headlock on the ground which should never be in a diva match because they barely do anything anyway, they don’t need to rest. Maryse tags in and kicks Eve in the chest. Alicia tries to get a tag in to Maryse but accidentally boots her in the face with help from Eve. Eve hit’s a neck breaker and picks up the win.
Winner: Eve
Post match…nothing happens surprisingly. The possible betrayal thing seems to amount to absolutely nothing. We see Big Show and what’s his name heading to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: It could be worse. It could involve slugs.
Back to the show where Big Show is out as a face I guess? He needs to make up his mind which one he’s on.
Big Show & The Royal Pains Guy vs. Ted Dibiase & Virgil
Show just slaps the shit out of Dibiase in the corner and sits on him practically. He crushes him with more chest pounds and Dibiase starts to crawl away. Dibaise finally just makes a run for it and tags in Virgil, running to the floor. Virgil complains and gets dragged back in by his bald head and slammed. He holds his back in pain but Royal Pains Guy tosses him back in when he tries to leave, allowing Show to deliver a body slam and walk on him. Show finally finishes things off with a choke slam. Royal Pains Guy comes in and delivers one of the worst People’s Elbows ever for the win.
Winners: Show and That Guy
Virgil appears to have died but Ted comes and puts some money in his mouth like dear old dad. Before he leaves though he seems to have second thoughts and takes the money back. Ew, saliva! I think there was a commercial here but I kind of left the room for a moment so we’ll pretend there wasn’t and just move on to the next match.
William Regal vs. Santino Marella (Special Ref: Kozlov)
Regal takes Santino down with an arm bar but Santino doesn’t tap until he gets Regal with a flip over roll up while grabbing the tights. Kozlov calls the match.
Winner: Santino
Regal tries to plead his case but Bret Hart calls them to the stage with him, saying he called all the other superstars to do it too. Apparently he wants protection against the NXT guys shutting the show down as we go to commercial. Because they were such a threat before. I can totally see how they can’t stop a few guys who stand out like sore thumbs by not wearing clothes from getting in the building.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts….diddly diddly
Back to the show where Edge arrive for his match. Apparently it’s a tag team match. King hilariously tries to name off the kinds of people who take care of the injured wresters when discussing Orton’s shoulder, but he seems to not know what the hell any of them are called.
Rand Orton & John Cena vs. Sheamus & Edge
Cena and Sheamus start off with headlocks. Sheamus makes the ropes and they have to break. The drama! Tie up follows but Cena almost gets a full nelson in so Sheamus makes the ropes again. ACTION! Cena works a wristlock and tags in Orton who kicks his way in on Sheamus…and goes to a headlock. SUSPENSE!
Random Commercial Thought: Who wears a bike helmet when just walking around?
Back to the match. Cena is wailing on Edge and goes for an FU, but he escapes. Cena crushes him with a clothesline and Edge tries to tag Orton, I guess he forgot which guy he’s teaming with. Cena gets a two count and Edge is sent to the floor. Sheamus looks pissed that Edge is getting raped. Edge hangs Cena up on the ropes for trying to follow and drags him back for a tag to Sheamus. Sheamus starts stomping away on Cena. Sheamus continues to just work Cena over, trading out with Edge in distracting the ref and beating him down at ringside. Sheamus slams Cena into the barricade before getting a two count back in the ring.
Cena eats a clothesline for another two so Sheamus works an arm bar so lazy it makes Cena’s STF look like it’s on tight. Sheamus wraps himself around Cena trying to work the hold but Cena stands and just walks with him riding. Why doesn’t he just get off and pull back? Because that would make sense. Cena passes out before he can make the tag and there’s another cover for two. Edge is back in for more beat down as this match is dragging on quite a bit at this point. Cena tries to come back but Edge drops him and sets up for the Spear only to nail himself into the turnbuckle. The tags are made and Orton comes in to annihilate Sheamus. Powerslam from Orton leads into the suspended DDT on Sheamus. He sets up for the RKO but Edge turns him around only to get an RKO. Sheamus flattens Orton for the distraction.
Sheamus starts hammering on Orton’s chest from behind (kinky) while the crowd rallies an RKO chant. Sheamus picks up a two count before tagging out to Edge who pounds on Orton some more. I say pound a lot, but there are very few moves being done at all. Edge and Orton just nail each other and Cena is in. Cena runs over Edge with his general offense. It’s so general they just cut away from it to show the NXT guys destroying the back. Who the fuck didn’t bother to just lock the goddamn doors? They are beating the shit out of Bret Hart and kidnapping him in a limo. At least it wasn’t ninjas in a van. The limo manages to hit every single car in the parking lot on its way out before taking off. Oh, no apparently they just wanted him to be in the car while it hit things as they drag him back out and yell at him then run away…no match ending. What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!
Highlight off the Night: The Fatal Fourway, though it begs the question of why have this on Raw and not the PPV of the same name.
Lowlight of the Night: The ending. What the fuck was that?
WWE “Creative” Award: NXT isn’t interesting, stop trying to pretend it is.
Raw 06.14.10
The show opens with a recap of the footage of the NXT rookies beating up Cena. I like the way they were described like roaches. Wade Barret or however you spell it is in the ring apologizing for what they did to Cena last week and invites the other Rookies to the ring who all brought their ring gear, how convenient. The announcers and ring personal decide to leave for their own safety even though they didn’t use to care when people were going through tables and lighting it on fire back in the day. The rookies refuse to apologize. Otunga says they are the ones deserving an apology. Wade says it’s unanimous, the problem with NXT is they were treated like animals. I love this guy’s voice actually. He sounds like a young Regal.
Bret Hart interrupts things. He says they were reprehensible in their actions but Wade says Daniel Bryon had remorse too and refused to show with them. Wade says he has a contract and title shot of his choosing at any PPV. Wade says the rest have demands and Otunga says they all want WWE contracts. Bret says he’s refusing to sign any of them and Wade says he’s making a mistake. This segment has been going on for fifteen minutes. Bret says because of Wade’s actions he has been dropped as the winner of NXT because he’s fired and the rest can get the hell out of the ring. Nice segment here for Bret in showing his GM power.
Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Insano should have been the star of that movie.
We come back to a Fatal Four Way for the US belt.
US Champion R-Truth vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz vs. Zack Ryder (US Title Fatal Fourway Match)
One of these things is not like the other. One of these doesn’t belong. What the fuck is Ryder doing here. The match starts with the heels being dumped. Morrison trying a Russian leg sweep on Truth but gets rolled up for two. Ryder tries a roll up too and the actions pills to the floor with everyone diving out and Morrison coming out on top of the suicide dive train.
Random Commercial Thought: Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto.
Back to the show where Miz is laid out and Ryder is going up top but he is met by Morrison. Ryder blocks a superplex but Truth German suplexes Morrison, allowing him to also superplex Ryder. Morrison tries covering everyone for three kick outs. Miz rolls up Truth for two of his own and gets pounded into the corner. Miz is sent to the floro where he’s run down by Morrison with a clothesline that for no reason kills himself too. Morrison has to crawl in and break up a pin by Truth on Ryder. Morrison sets up on Truth and they both toss Miz to the floor when he runs in. Springbaord off the ropes by Morrison is ducked. Truth counters and picks up a two count but Ryder stops it. Yder hasn’t done anything, oh never mind he just hit the Rough Ryder on Truth for two. Morrison kicks him in the head to send him to the floor but Starship Pain is hit on Truth. Miz tosses Morrison to the floor and picks up the pin.
Winner: Miz
Orton is in the back saying the NXT guys either deserve to be fired or have their brains beaten in and they got off lucky. That was pretty funny. I’m actually surprised how much I’m enjoying this show.
Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is a better show.
Back to the show where Dibaise comes to the back to talk to the guy from Royal Pains. I don’t know his name. They decided to record their audio so bad I couldn’t tell what a lot of it was at first. Apparently Ted wants to host with him but Show is behind him to protect the host as he guest stars in an episode. Virgil and Ted are going to be in a match against them based on this. OH THANK GOD A VIRGIL MATCH I CAN DIE HAPPY. Apparently the Bella Twins then think they are gay. Yep, needed that bit. At least there was no humping.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve got a feeling Lady Gaga is going to kill us all.
Back to the show with a recap of Jericho getting destroyed by Big Show last week before he comes to the ring.
Chris Jericho vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne starts off strong but gets run down with a clothesline that destroys him for two. Bourne sells everything like a truck. It’s like a tiny Ric Flair. Jericho continues to keep the pressure on and lands the Code Breaker but Bourne kicks out. Jericho freaks and just starts to beat the shit out of him on the ropes until he’s disqualified.
Winner: Bourne
Bourne gets Jericho after the match and hits Air Bourne before they threaten us with a John Cena promo next.
Random Commercial Thought: Those noodles looked pre-eaten.
Back to the show. Cena talks about how the NXT Rookies almost had a good plan because they wanted to get back at management but made all the fans mad instead. How are these guys supposed to stay heels if they are supposedly fired? The NXT guys start coming but as Cena said the WWE superstars hate them, a bunch come to the ring to put a stop to it with King even coming in. Hilariously they are chased off byt Mark Henry and Santino follow. Henry is funny as hell, chugging along too slow and Santino follows them out to the streets where they scatter like rats.
Random Commercial Thought: Schlotzky’s has nasty cooking habits.
In the back. Sheamus says he’s the only one allowed to take out Cena which is why he helped. Makes perfect sense? We then get the threat of a diva tag match after a replay of the battle royal last week. God help me.
Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox
Eve loses out in the early exchange to Maryse. Alicia tags in looking like the world’s weirdest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. She picks up a two count and a northern lights suplex gets two more. Fox goes to a headlock on the ground which should never be in a diva match because they barely do anything anyway, they don’t need to rest. Maryse tags in and kicks Eve in the chest. Alicia tries to get a tag in to Maryse but accidentally boots her in the face with help from Eve. Eve hit’s a neck breaker and picks up the win.
Winner: Eve
Post match…nothing happens surprisingly. The possible betrayal thing seems to amount to absolutely nothing. We see Big Show and what’s his name heading to the ring as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: It could be worse. It could involve slugs.
Back to the show where Big Show is out as a face I guess? He needs to make up his mind which one he’s on.
Big Show & The Royal Pains Guy vs. Ted Dibiase & Virgil
Show just slaps the shit out of Dibiase in the corner and sits on him practically. He crushes him with more chest pounds and Dibiase starts to crawl away. Dibaise finally just makes a run for it and tags in Virgil, running to the floor. Virgil complains and gets dragged back in by his bald head and slammed. He holds his back in pain but Royal Pains Guy tosses him back in when he tries to leave, allowing Show to deliver a body slam and walk on him. Show finally finishes things off with a choke slam. Royal Pains Guy comes in and delivers one of the worst People’s Elbows ever for the win.
Winners: Show and That Guy
Virgil appears to have died but Ted comes and puts some money in his mouth like dear old dad. Before he leaves though he seems to have second thoughts and takes the money back. Ew, saliva! I think there was a commercial here but I kind of left the room for a moment so we’ll pretend there wasn’t and just move on to the next match.
William Regal vs. Santino Marella (Special Ref: Kozlov)
Regal takes Santino down with an arm bar but Santino doesn’t tap until he gets Regal with a flip over roll up while grabbing the tights. Kozlov calls the match.
Winner: Santino
Regal tries to plead his case but Bret Hart calls them to the stage with him, saying he called all the other superstars to do it too. Apparently he wants protection against the NXT guys shutting the show down as we go to commercial. Because they were such a threat before. I can totally see how they can’t stop a few guys who stand out like sore thumbs by not wearing clothes from getting in the building.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts….diddly diddly
Back to the show where Edge arrive for his match. Apparently it’s a tag team match. King hilariously tries to name off the kinds of people who take care of the injured wresters when discussing Orton’s shoulder, but he seems to not know what the hell any of them are called.
Rand Orton & John Cena vs. Sheamus & Edge
Cena and Sheamus start off with headlocks. Sheamus makes the ropes and they have to break. The drama! Tie up follows but Cena almost gets a full nelson in so Sheamus makes the ropes again. ACTION! Cena works a wristlock and tags in Orton who kicks his way in on Sheamus…and goes to a headlock. SUSPENSE!
Random Commercial Thought: Who wears a bike helmet when just walking around?
Back to the match. Cena is wailing on Edge and goes for an FU, but he escapes. Cena crushes him with a clothesline and Edge tries to tag Orton, I guess he forgot which guy he’s teaming with. Cena gets a two count and Edge is sent to the floor. Sheamus looks pissed that Edge is getting raped. Edge hangs Cena up on the ropes for trying to follow and drags him back for a tag to Sheamus. Sheamus starts stomping away on Cena. Sheamus continues to just work Cena over, trading out with Edge in distracting the ref and beating him down at ringside. Sheamus slams Cena into the barricade before getting a two count back in the ring.
Cena eats a clothesline for another two so Sheamus works an arm bar so lazy it makes Cena’s STF look like it’s on tight. Sheamus wraps himself around Cena trying to work the hold but Cena stands and just walks with him riding. Why doesn’t he just get off and pull back? Because that would make sense. Cena passes out before he can make the tag and there’s another cover for two. Edge is back in for more beat down as this match is dragging on quite a bit at this point. Cena tries to come back but Edge drops him and sets up for the Spear only to nail himself into the turnbuckle. The tags are made and Orton comes in to annihilate Sheamus. Powerslam from Orton leads into the suspended DDT on Sheamus. He sets up for the RKO but Edge turns him around only to get an RKO. Sheamus flattens Orton for the distraction.
Sheamus starts hammering on Orton’s chest from behind (kinky) while the crowd rallies an RKO chant. Sheamus picks up a two count before tagging out to Edge who pounds on Orton some more. I say pound a lot, but there are very few moves being done at all. Edge and Orton just nail each other and Cena is in. Cena runs over Edge with his general offense. It’s so general they just cut away from it to show the NXT guys destroying the back. Who the fuck didn’t bother to just lock the goddamn doors? They are beating the shit out of Bret Hart and kidnapping him in a limo. At least it wasn’t ninjas in a van. The limo manages to hit every single car in the parking lot on its way out before taking off. Oh, no apparently they just wanted him to be in the car while it hit things as they drag him back out and yell at him then run away…no match ending. What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!
Highlight off the Night: The Fatal Fourway, though it begs the question of why have this on Raw and not the PPV of the same name.
Lowlight of the Night: The ending. What the fuck was that?
WWE “Creative” Award: NXT isn’t interesting, stop trying to pretend it is.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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