WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

June 6, 2011

Welcome back to he Best Damn Tough Enough Rant period….or something. I’m a little confused right now, you see.

Raw 06.06.11

Tonight’s show opens with overflow from Tough Enough of Vince and Stone Cold berating the two finalists and trying to pick the winner. They fight over who gets to do it. They even get a drum roll for it. I like to think they hired the drummer from Spaceballs. Come on guys, you are wasting time on the regular show. In case you care, Stone Cold picks Andy, the big guy who wasn’t a complete raging douche bag. Vince then punched him flat in the face. He looks like a complete pussy now because he got knocked flat on his ass by an old man. Stone Cold then proceeds to give him a stunner. Vince and Stone Cold are going to share some beer when they are interrupted by R-Truth who comes out in a confederate uniform singing “The little Jimmy came marching home.”

Truth says he was told by the Raw GM that he had to apologize for what he did. Vince then interrupts hi to show the footage of why he has to do this. He apologizes to all of the different sized Jimmys and to the soda he wasted. Apparently they are in Richmond, Virginia, the capitol of the confederacy and he remarks the confederates were inbred rednecks, like the crowd. Not to mention racist, slave-owning idiots who couldn’t command troops to save their dying souls (source: The ever-reliable cracked.com). He says secession was a good idea.

He says he doesn’t want anything from WWE anymore except a title shot, especially not merch or video games. He had those things? They confirm that his first name is R. He tries to spell conspiracy and is eventually interrupted by the Miz. Miz wants to know if he’s really going to field conspiracy theories with Vince McMahon himself out here and goes on to blame Riley for his title loss again. He says he deserves one last match when Alex Riley decides to respond to a pretty decent pop. Riley gets in one line when John Cena decides to fill up the remaining space in the ring. Cena decides to recap everything that just happened.

He really just takes on ach guy, making fun of them one by one. The GM then decides to interrupt things and Cole reads it off for us. He gets interrupted by Vince McMahon who gets huge face pop to interrupt him. He says he’s got this one and makes the main event of John Cena/Riley against Truth/Miz. Stone Cold is the special guest referee.

Random Commercial Thought: Crime isn’t the hard part. The hard part is figuring out which hookers to spend all of your money on.

We return o a match already about to start.

Michael McStupidName w/ Otunga vs. Santino Marella w/ Kozlov

Santino taunts to start the match and gets a huge crowd pop for it. Mike tries to go on the offensive and gets beat down for it. Santino takes him to the corners and ducks a clothesline into an inverted atomic drop. Santino clotheslines Mike to the floor and proceeds to Ultimate Warrior taunt. I love Santino. Fuck the haters. Mike charges in with a kick that Santino catches and taunts him during. Mike finally lands a shot and begins to recover until Santino suddenly fires up the cobra and scares hi into the corner. Mike eats a punch combo and some arm drags before walking away from a dropkick. Mike lands his own dropkick and picks up two. He continues to pressure Santino and get another two count before working a headlock.

Santino comes back and fires up with a hip toss and the head butt. He signals the ultimate Warrior’s press slam and fires up the cobra again while Mike rolls to the floor. Kozlov runs over Otunga on the outside but Mike catches a cheap shot on Santino and goes for a running knee finish that Santino just stand sup to avoid, sending him flying off like an idiot to eat the cobra.

Winner: Santino

Kozlov marches with Santino after the match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: All bad assess get twin schoolgirls free of charge when they reach Duke levels.

We replay Kharma from last week. Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly are here to take on the Bellas. I like Beth and…of course they start off with Kelly.

Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins

Kelly arm drags a Bella and tries to get the three with a hurricanrana for two. I wish they would make it more obvious which Bella is which as they turn the tables and trad eout on her in the corner. Kelly gets choked out and the Bellas pick up a two count. Beth is dancing around for the tag before Kelly escapes a rest hold to the tag. Beth runs the Bella down with some clotheslines and an atomic drop before double axe handles. She slingshots the Bella off the ropes into a suplex for two when the other Bella breaks it up. Kelly puts her way with a bulldog and Beth delivers what I used to call Phoenix Arizona (The Glam Slam) for the three.

Winner Beth

Beth shows more in ring talent just now in a minute than the entire Raw diva roster has shown all year.

Random Commercial Thought: TV has taught me, you can only be the best at something when you are in your early twenties.

Back o the show where Booker T is saying he wants to give Trish a secret move, the Trish-a-rooni. Also, did you care that WWE has millions of fans on Facebook. Before she can do it and we can all hope that her ward drobe doesn’t spin as much as she does, they are interrupted by Swagger. Swagger challenges Booker to a match and tells him to say he didn’t just say that. He accepts and says all Swagger is going to be doing is asking if he can dig it, sucker, which makes no real sense, but whatever. Are all black people like this? I’ve only ever read about them in books.

Punk is sitting on the ring entrance. King amusingly says Punk must get tired quickly. He and Mason are here to talk about how many times he’s beaten Rey Mysterio and mentions it must have been six hundred times because he’s never lost o Rey. Is that second part true? I totally believe the first part though. He says Rey petitioned for a rematch and invites us to join him in the dismantling.

Random Commercial Thought: DCNu angers me.

Back to the show.

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk w/ Mason Ryan

Punk tries to get his new little kick on Mysterio early, but Rey runs from it. Punk works a headlock and some quick offense eventually ensues with Punk getting one off of a shoulder block. Mysterio springboards Punk over to the floor and dives out only to be caught by Punk, but he counters it into a head scissor. Ryan distracts Rey for a little but, but he returns to toss Punk into he ring. Rey delivers his leg drop for a two count before going to an arm bar which is exactly what he is known for and therefore will probably win with it.

Punk fights free and delivers some hard kicks and shots to Mysterio he catches him out of a leap frog attempt in the corner for the GTS, but Rey catches the ropes and drags himself to the floor. Rey leaps up top, but gets his legs kicked out from under him into a tree of woe. Punk becomes a larger Kevin Sullivan for a bit, but only gets two. Punk works a body scissors spot now for a little bit. Punk crushes Mysterio with a back breaker and picks up another two count. They are working this match really well. Rey starts to fight back with kicks and chops, but Punk just hoists hi up to rack his midsection over the ropes. He drags Rey up for a superplex, but Rey blocks it. They works a funny spot where Rey pounds on his hands to make him fall off and leaps off into some kind of flying shoulder block to start the standing ten count. Rey fires up now and springboards off the ropes into a cross body. Rey counters s side slam into a head scissor, but the follow up is countered into a power slam by Punk for two.

Punk removes his knee pad and goes for his knee in the corner, but Rey blocks with a kick and flips around into a dropkick for the 619, but Mason blocks. Punk tries to get Mysterio, but he counters into tornado DDT and hits Ryan in the process before finishing with the top rope splash.

Winner: Mysterio

Excellent match. R-Truth is then inserted into an Obama segment. Cena runs into Riley in the back and shit-talks him, thinking Riley is working an angle to back stab him.

Random Commercial Thought: Green Lantern is top priority for me this summer.

Back to the show for Alberto who rehashes what he said last week and shows the accident footage again before calling out Big Show who is a little man dressed up like Show with crutches. The crowd seems to have a look on their faces that only people who have been anally raped have. It drags on for a bit with Alberto promising Big Show a world of hurt before the fake Show is revealed to be Rodriguez. Uh…okay? They continue the hype train of Kofi this week with a video montage of Kofi moments.

Random Commercial Thought: As I’m writing this, Sony is trying to fix how terrible they look at E3.

Back to the show where Dolph is out to watch Zack Ryder get crushed by Kofi.

Zack Ryder vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston (Non-Title Match)

Zack hit’s a shoulder block and pumps his fist before running into a spinning reverse elbow and a drop kick. He then charge sup on Kingston and slaps him in the face who proceeds to kick the shit out of him. Kofi misses his corner leap for the millionth time recently. Ryder gets a two count on the follow up. Ryder delivers a running knee to the corner that Dolph describes as kicking his face off of his neck. It gets two, but I like the description. Ryder gets huge hype in the ring right now from the crowd. Kofi delivers his chops and the boom drop, but is actually getting less of a pop than Ryder was. Ryder runs when Trouble in Paradise is set up, but Kofi drags him back in. Ryder charges right into a Trouble in Paradise right after.

Winner: Kofi

Random Commercial Thought: I have to admit, I’m too excited to see Booker to care.

Booker comes out to his Harlem Heat to take on Jack Swagger.

Jack Swagger vs. Booker T.

Booker works an arm wrench and gets elbowed down. Swagger starts pounding away at Booker and stomping him into the ground. Booker goes for the arm wrench kick and kind of barely make it work. Swagger ducks the Harlem side kick and sends Booker to the floor. Swagger continues the fight back in the ring and I have to say I’m tired of hearing about fucking twitter on every Raw now. Booker gets big crowd support as he tries to fight out of a rest hold. Booker comes back with kick into the corner and a wheel kick. He chops away at Swagger in he corner and then set up for the scissor kick. Swagger dodges, but eats the Harlem side kick when he comes off the ropes. Swagger decides to respond to he count out by saying he doesn’t need this and taking a walk.

Winner: Booker T

Um, okay. Evan Bourne jumps him from behind and then leads Swagger back into an assault from Swagger for the scissor kick. Bourne climbs up top for the finish with Air Bourne. Booker proceeds to fire up a spin-a-rooni with Evan who really just rolls backward.

Random Commercial Thought: X-Men: Middle Class.

Back to the show where all of our people for the main event come out. Hilariously, Alex riley actually has John Cena’s banner’s playing under his entrance as if he is really that insignificant…and who are we kidding, he is.

Random Commercial Thought: Do people actually pay to see the Transformers movies?

John Cena & Alex riley vs. The Miz & R-Truth (W/ Special Guest Referee: Stone Cole Steve Austin)

Miz starts off with Cena and Cena wrenches the arm and drags him to the corner. Cena relents to Riley’s tag who chases Miz, but he runs to the tag on Truth. Truth leaps over Riley and delivers a big hip toss on Riley. Riley comes back with his own hip toss and clotheslines for a two count. Riley drags Truth in for the tag to Cena, but Truth runs away and tags out to Miz. Miz dances around and misses a clothesline before getting crushed with the bulldog. Riley tags in and once again Miz runs away. Riley ignore the tag and just chases Miz all the way around the ring into a clothesline from Truth. Because we’ve had not enough commercial yet, we go back to them. Did we miss our quota earlier or something?

Random Commercial Thought: That Asian guy isn’t speaking correctly. He is pronouncing his Ls properly.

Back to the show where Riley is being worked on by the Miz. He tries to rally back, but gets charged into the corner by Miz for double teaming and a DDT by Miz. This only gets two. Cena fires up or a tag and Miz lets Riley crawl toward the tag before stomping on his back and staring Cena down. Stone Cold physically drags Miz off by his head from a corner beat down until Miz is all up in his face. Miz eventually charges Riley and hits his shoulder on the ring post. Truth gets the tag first and cuts Riley off. Riley is getting his ass kicked right now, but is probably just happy to be wrestling on TV for once again, and probably also happy to be winning tonight because he’s teaming with Cena. Truth just annihilates Riley in the corner until Austin pulls him off. He delivers a scoop slam. The crowd is trying to rally for Riley now who puts his feet up to catch R-Truth in the jaw from a top rope move. I have no idea what that was supposed to be, considering you can’t do a double ax handle to a guy who is on the ground.

Both tags re made and Cena goes to town on the Miz with his general offense. Truth cuts off the FU after the shuffle, but he proceeds to get tossed to the floor. Cena, single handedly destroying them both, proceeds to put Miz in he STF. Miz makes the ropes and the crowd literally doesn’t seem to know how to react to Cena not winning right there and just falls silent. Truth hit’s the ring with a chair, but Cena ducks it and dropkicks it into his face. Cena and Miz clothesline each other. Riley comes in with the briefcase and lurks behind Cena before running by and nailing Miz with it. He turns around into a Stunner and bounces from that into the FU.

Winners: Riley & Cena

The faces beer bash and Riley takes a walk before Cena’s ego completely crushes him beneath its massive weight. The Raw GM then decides to chime in as someone forgot to turn Michael’s microphone on. The GM says the ref has overstepped his authority and DQs Cena and Riley. Can’t win for losing. Except when you do. The GM then chimes in a second time to say that next week on the three hour show (…..fuck) Austin will be the guest GM next week. Austin proceeds to destroy the GM desk and knock out Michael Cole and bathe him in beer before a Stunner and an FU.

Highlight of the Night:Rey/Punk was a good match.

Lowlight of the Night: “Big Show” showing up. That was just lame.

WWE "Creative" Award: Cena looks pretty invincible when he can beat both of his most viable competitors by himself.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.