Welcome back. Ashton
Kutcher hosts tonight’s show. No word as of yet if
he plans to looks at pictures of Wrestlemania 20
until he goes back in time and makes sure that Chris
Benoit never wins the World Title. It’s like that
happened on paper, why not just make it true?
Uh the show opens
incredibly awkwardly with Edge in the ring just
stomping on Evan Bourne. According to Cole, Bourne
confronted Edge about not waiting for an opportunity
when Edge tried to cut a pre-show promo. Apparently
that went as well as my last date….with your mother.
OOO FACED! Bourne suddenly starts to fight back with
kicks and knees Edge in the face. A big roundhouse
misses, but a reverse heel kick puts Edge down
instead but he dodged Air Bourne. Edge signals spear
as he crawls into the corner and hits the only guy
in the company who can actually make that move look
devastating. Edge says that is what is going to
happen to everyone else in the Fatal Four Way match
and then runs down the abilities of the other three
opponents. He hilariously calls John Cena a
superhero. When he gets to Orton, he calls everyone
sheep for chanting RKO these days. I wonder if it’s
not cool for smarks to like Orton now that everyone
else does? Orton answers the
calls but Edge says
he knows Orton isn’t 100% and he says he will hurt
Orton at the PPV because he can’t win.
RKOs him of course. We find out our main event is a
tag team match between the four while Orton goes
about to celebrate and Edge looks all pouty in the
ring. Time for commercials.
Thought: Rock Stars are overrated.
the show where Ashton is complaining that Zack Ryder
is talking smack on him online using his Macbook
that is totally not product placement. He manages to
pimp out Killers too and says he’s going to put a
hit on Ryder. Is that legal? He says Eve or a
Referee or an announcer (Cole?) could kill him. And
here’s the Miz. What is with the odd film quality
here? It seems to have been filmed by an entirely
different type of camera. He reveals that he and
Bret made a match between Miz and Daniel Bryon since
they got a one night contract with him or something.
They start slinging weird threats at each other and
the whole segment was just kind of awkward. I miss
Butterfly Effect already.
Oh God, R-Truth is
US Champion. I forgot. Now I have to hear this
fucking terrible song all the time. He’s taking on
Jericho in a non-title match.
US Champion R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho (US Title
Truth taunts a tie up with
Jericho and eats a shoulder block but retaliates
with a hip toss. Jericho bombs a dropkick and gets
sent to the floor with a monkey flip from Truth.
Truth asks us what’s up. Nothing really, thanks for
asking. Suicide dive sends us to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I hide in mud at the
women’s spa too.
Jericho is predictably
working a headlock on Truth in the ring now as we
return. Just once I’d like them to have the guy who
was winning before the commercial still be winning
when we come back. Jericho hit’s the enziguiri and
picks up two. Jericho chokes him out for a bit and
delivers the world’s weakest looking bitch slap but
a flying shoulder block from Truth regains control.
I want to know why he doesn’t just make it a
spinning one which apparently MURDERS people. A head
scissors followed by a step kick drops Jericho for
two. Jericho gets a bulldog in after his own kick to
the face but misses his lionsault followup. Does
that ever hit any more? Scissor kick misses as Cole
calls it a Bicycle kick like a retard. Jericho is
kicked out of the Walls and Truth delivers some kind
of suplex/face buster move for two.
uses the ref checking on Truth for a cheap shot and
clotheslines for two. Truth blocks a back body drop
with a kick and does the split to duck a
clothesline. Truth misses a Harlem Side Kick and
Jericho counters to the Walls, but Truth catches him
in a small package for the three. Jericho looks
Post match, we
linger on a depressed Jericho before going to
Random Commercial Thought: So I
heard they actually tried to push the new Twilight
movie to have more action scenes so they can keep
the men coming who were going to get dragged to it
by their girlfriends anyway.
Zack is in the
back with Alicia, complaining to Bret that he thinks
it might be him carrying the hit out. The Dynasty
come out to ask who attacked them last week. Hart
says he knew who they were because he signed them to
Raw. I think they’re call the “Uslims” like
“Muslims” without an M. I couldn’t actually make it
out and neither could the announcers apparently.
Here’s Eve with Santino. I suppose they are about
equal to in-ring ability but Santino is actually
Random Commercial Thought: I
get sunburns like that, mine sometimes have Mary in
them. Not the Virgin, the real slut from south
Back to the show where Santino is
teaching the cobra to Eve. Regal and Maryse are the
opponents and Santino asks for the wannabe Vader
theme to be ceased. He demands to know why Blad
teams with Regal instead of him. He also says Eve
will have sex with him if he teams up with him. She
has a different version of things.
Maryse & William Regal w/ Vladimir Kozlov vs. Eve
Torres & Santino Morella
off with Eve ad she looks a little depressed to be
starting. Maryse points and laughs for a bit, makes
sense considering she’s lost every match they had so
far I think. Maryse delivers a cheap shot but Eve
goes to her dropkicks that are so awful. Why does
she only kick with one foot and always miss by a
whole mile? WHY? Santino and Regal tag in and huge
chants build for Santino. He does some preparatory
sweep kicks but the third one just lightly hits his
ankles. Regal starts annihilating him with lefts and
calling him bloody pathetic.
Santino in the corner as I wonder why the women
can’t wrestle like this. Fucking lightweights. Belly
to belly toss sets up the Regal Stretch and eve
breaks it up. Maryse tackles and Regal watches them
as they tumble into the ref for a bit until Kozlov
sneaks in and delivers a choke slam. Maryse and
Kozlov run off as Santino picks up the cover.
Santino celebrates to some
huge crowd pops. It’s kind of funny just how over he
is. We see Bret walking through the back who
apparently has announcement or next week’s show as
we go to commercial.
Thought: National Dead People Day.
salute to soldiers, Bret makes his entrance. He
tells us next week, he and Teddy Long are getting
all the superstars together for a three hour show. I
like how he makes it sound like he can just declare
a three hour show like that. He wants to hear some
ideas from fans and superstars on what they should
do and send him the ideas. Next week is going to be
a night to remember apparently and we are suddenly
interrupted by Ted Dibiase. Nice to see Virgil is
trying to work those extra pounds off. He wants to
be made GM for the night next week. Ted says Bret
needs money which is why he took this job, so if he
just names his price they can get on. Ashton
interrupts to say next week will be a Raw Viewer’s
Choice like Cyber Sunday apparently. Bret agrees to
it and we are suddenly interrupted by Vince McMahon.
Vince points out that he feels good
now, comparably so to being beaten with the chair
eighteen times at Wrestlemania. He counted? Vince
brings up the very good question of why he would
allow Bret to get the GM position. He posits several
reasons and says so far Bret’s been making good and
popular decisions, but he will have to make tough
decisions and they won’t all be easy or popular
because the people needed to be treated as children.
I’m pretty sure Vince is shooting right now. He says
he just came out to wish him luck then he asks if we
believe it. Of course, no one does, but he says it’s
true and recounts that Bret was banished several
years ago and now he’s GM.
Zack is in the
back thinking Orton is taking him out bcause he’s a
future legend. Alicia says she knows how to figure
this out and Orton gets hit in his bad shoulder by
Edge from behind with a door. Deadly door attack go!
How lame do you have to be to get your ass kicked by
a door that badly? He down on the ground forever
like Peter Gryphon holding that.
Commercial Thought: She’s too British.
to the show. They tell us that Orton probably won’t
be able to team with Cena tonight. Cole gets all
heel on Daniel Bryon since apparently they are in a
feud from that crappy third show we don’t speak
about if we can avoid it. Apparently Cole talked
some shit on him face to face last week and tried to
slap Bryon but got his shit wrecked for it. Miz
tried some too and also got knocked out.
Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz
Miz and just punches away before locking on an arm
bar but Miz ties up in the ropes. The ref forces a
break and Bryon misses a corner charge and gets
slammed down from behind. Miz slams fists on Bryon
which is funny as Cole told us earlier that Bryon’s
fists ere illegal. He tells Bryon to go back to his
internet buddies and I just can’t get over how
stupid this is as Cole just relentlessly hammers him
for being a nerd and Vegan. What the fuck is this.
Bryon gets his ass beat for a bit but suddenly Miz
is caught up in a Cross Face. He pulls that back
like Benoit used to. Miz rolls it over into a pin,
but Bryon counters into his own pin for three.
Cole calls it the biggest upset
in WWE history as Miz stomps him senseless from
behind all around ring side. Miz holds him up for an
apology to Cole but Bryon slams him into the table
and then tosses him into Cole. This isn’t quite as
awesome as anal rape was.
Thought: What grenade? Can you truly prove that the
Grenade exists beyond your own perceptions?
We come back to Cole pouting about being assaulted
and King tries to awkwardly segue this into being
about the Hart’s getting hit by the “Usos?” last
week. Somebody tell me how to fucking spell it. All
three of them are in he ring speaking as generically
gangster as they can. They bring up they are
descendants of the Wild Samoans but they aren’t
stereotypical ones. No, just stereotypically black
instead. The girl takes the microphone saying their
families don’t have respect like the Harts, just
like her father who was Jimmy Snuka. She says he was
benched at Mania the first time (which he was for
some reason). She says they were created (like in a
tube?) for one purpose, to dominate. The Hart’s take
to the ring afterward and beat the Usos out to the
floor, isolating one for the Hart Attack, but Tamika
trips them up and takes out Natalya. A Double
Superkick from Jay and Jimmy drops David before a
double team Samoan Drop takes care of Tyson.
all deliver top rope splashes again before leaving
to something that sounds like the Himmy Hart version
of a P Diddy song.
Random Commercial Thought:
I wish my mom was an alcoholic.
as we return to demand to know who has the hit. He
says he could double Ashton’s Twitter followers if
he wanted to. Is that a threat? It’s so obvious
these segments by Ashton on the titontron are
pre-recorded. He says he’ll tell and King gets in
the ring with a chair…only for Khali’s music to
play. Zack abandons the ring….but Ashton says it
isn’t him either. Khali leaves and Goldust arrives.
Um, I think the threat level went down considerably.
Why does Zack look scared of him too? He says he
can’t take anymore and begs to know who it is. He
says he’ll never see it coming, just like in Killers
and Alicia says she think she’s tired of the little
joke before dropping the microphone and delivering a
scissor kick to Ryder. Worst scissor kick ever. It
hit him in the upper back way off target and he was
falling even before she fully dropped it.
Edge and Sheamus meet up in the back and Sheamus
says he better not backstab him and blah blah blah,
blinded by his skin, can’t listen.
Commercial Thought: The Fonz joins Royal Pains? I’m
Back to the show. This
week in WWE History segment is all about the
Junkyard Dog who died this week in 98. Next week,
the A-Team hosts, which ironically puts Rampage
Jackson on a WWE show. Edge arrives for the main
event and I have to wonder how the hell a door put
Orton on the shelf for the night entirely. Sheamus
is out after him and Cena arrives to say Orton
unable to compete, which we already knew. Cena says
it was a good idea to leave him without time to find
a partner. He says everyone hates them both, so he
picked a human wrecking ball, Evan Bourne.
John Cena & Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus
Cena starts things out with
Edge. Edge eats the running bulldog out of the
corner early and Bourne tags in with a flying kick
to Edge’s wrenched arm. Bourne works the arm some
more, taking Edge down by the arm, but he escapes.
Bourne delivers a hurricanrana and some flying
kicks. A wheel kick as Edge crawling to the floor as
we go to commercial.
Thought: When Pigs drive cars.
Back to the
match. Evan is picking up a two count as I’m eating
my words from earlier since he’s still winning.
Sheamus finally just slams him down with a hard shot
and drags Bourne to the corner. Nevermind. Edge
makes the tag and starts kicking the shit out of
him. Edge starts to attack the legs and holds them
for Sheamus to tag in and stomp the knees. Bourne
escapes a suplex and kicks the knees out on Sheamus.
But as Bourne to dive to a tag, Sheamus catches him
and tosses Bourne back into a huge clothesline for
two. Edge tags back in and taunts for a while before
delivering some kicks to the midsection. Edge
crushes Bourne in the corner and gets another two
count. Edge tries to pick up the pin again with the
same results. Bourne fights back with rights and
kicks but an enziguiri out of nowhere drops Edge.
Sheamus and Cena are in and Cena just runs him over
with shoulder blocks and the protobomb. Cena
delivers the five knuckle shuffle and scoops for the
FU but Sheamus escapes and delivers a power slam.
Sheamus sets up for the pump kick, but Cena ducks
and he runs right into a kick from Bourne. Sheamus
eats and FU and Cena dodges a spear, sending Edge to
the floor while Sheamus eats Air Bourne and the pin.
Winners: Cena & Bourne
Evan jumps into Cena’s
arms to be held up and uh…John you might want to get
your hand out of the man’s ass crack. This is only a
Highlight of the Night: Truth and
Jericho put on a good match which served to
legitimize Truth some.
Lowlight of the Night: The whole Zack Ryder
segment was annoying and pointless and ended with a
scissor kick that was just horrific.
WWE “Creative” Award: What was with the
whole Vince segment? It didn’t lead to anything and
it better have a pay off later.
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