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By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Ashton Kutcher hosts tonight’s show. No word as of yet if he plans to looks at pictures of Wrestlemania 20 until he goes back in time and makes sure that Chris Benoit never wins the World Title. It’s like that happened on paper, why not just make it true?

Raw 05.31.10

Uh the show opens incredibly awkwardly with Edge in the ring just stomping on Evan Bourne. According to Cole, Bourne confronted Edge about not waiting for an opportunity when Edge tried to cut a pre-show promo. Apparently that went as well as my last date….with your mother. OOO FACED! Bourne suddenly starts to fight back with kicks and knees Edge in the face. A big roundhouse misses, but a reverse heel kick puts Edge down instead but he dodged Air Bourne. Edge signals spear as he crawls into the corner and hits the only guy in the company who can actually make that move look devastating. Edge says that is what is going to happen to everyone else in the Fatal Four Way match and then runs down the abilities of the other three opponents. He hilariously calls John Cena a superhero. When he gets to Orton, he calls everyone sheep for chanting RKO these days. I wonder if it’s not cool for smarks to like Orton now that everyone else does? Orton answers the
calls but Edge says he knows Orton isn’t 100% and he says he will hurt Orton at the PPV because he can’t win.

Orton RKOs him of course. We find out our main event is a tag team match between the four while Orton goes about to celebrate and Edge looks all pouty in the ring. Time for commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Rock Stars are overrated.

Back to the show where Ashton is complaining that Zack Ryder is talking smack on him online using his Macbook that is totally not product placement. He manages to pimp out Killers too and says he’s going to put a hit on Ryder. Is that legal? He says Eve or a Referee or an announcer (Cole?) could kill him. And here’s the Miz. What is with the odd film quality here? It seems to have been filmed by an entirely different type of camera. He reveals that he and Bret made a match between Miz and Daniel Bryon since they got a one night contract with him or something. They start slinging weird threats at each other and the whole segment was just kind of awkward. I miss Butterfly Effect already.

Oh God, R-Truth is US Champion. I forgot. Now I have to hear this fucking terrible song all the time. He’s taking on Jericho in a non-title match.

US Champion R-Truth vs. Chris Jericho (US Title Match)

Truth taunts a tie up with Jericho and eats a shoulder block but retaliates with a hip toss. Jericho bombs a dropkick and gets sent to the floor with a monkey flip from Truth. Truth asks us what’s up. Nothing really, thanks for asking. Suicide dive sends us to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I hide in mud at the women’s spa too.

Jericho is predictably working a headlock on Truth in the ring now as we return. Just once I’d like them to have the guy who was winning before the commercial still be winning when we come back. Jericho hit’s the enziguiri and picks up two. Jericho chokes him out for a bit and delivers the world’s weakest looking bitch slap but a flying shoulder block from Truth regains control. I want to know why he doesn’t just make it a spinning one which apparently MURDERS people. A head scissors followed by a step kick drops Jericho for two. Jericho gets a bulldog in after his own kick to the face but misses his lionsault followup. Does that ever hit any more? Scissor kick misses as Cole calls it a Bicycle kick like a retard. Jericho is kicked out of the Walls and Truth delivers some kind of suplex/face buster move for two.

Jericho uses the ref checking on Truth for a cheap shot and clotheslines for two. Truth blocks a back body drop with a kick and does the split to duck a clothesline. Truth misses a Harlem Side Kick and Jericho counters to the Walls, but Truth catches him in a small package for the three. Jericho looks devastated.
Winner: Truth

Post match, we linger on a depressed Jericho before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: So I heard they actually tried to push the new Twilight movie to have more action scenes so they can keep the men coming who were going to get dragged to it by their girlfriends anyway.

Zack is in the back with Alicia, complaining to Bret that he thinks it might be him carrying the hit out. The Dynasty come out to ask who attacked them last week. Hart says he knew who they were because he signed them to Raw. I think they’re call the “Uslims” like “Muslims” without an M. I couldn’t actually make it out and neither could the announcers apparently. Here’s Eve with Santino. I suppose they are about equal to in-ring ability but Santino is actually entertaining.

Random Commercial Thought: I get sunburns like that, mine sometimes have Mary in them. Not the Virgin, the real slut from south Broadway.

Back to the show where Santino is teaching the cobra to Eve. Regal and Maryse are the opponents and Santino asks for the wannabe Vader theme to be ceased. He demands to know why Blad teams with Regal instead of him. He also says Eve will have sex with him if he teams up with him. She has a different version of things.

Maryse & William Regal w/ Vladimir Kozlov vs. Eve Torres & Santino Morella

Maryse starts off with Eve ad she looks a little depressed to be starting. Maryse points and laughs for a bit, makes sense considering she’s lost every match they had so far I think. Maryse delivers a cheap shot but Eve goes to her dropkicks that are so awful. Why does she only kick with one foot and always miss by a whole mile? WHY? Santino and Regal tag in and huge chants build for Santino. He does some preparatory sweep kicks but the third one just lightly hits his ankles. Regal starts annihilating him with lefts and calling him bloody pathetic.

Regal crushes Santino in the corner as I wonder why the women can’t wrestle like this. Fucking lightweights. Belly to belly toss sets up the Regal Stretch and eve breaks it up. Maryse tackles and Regal watches them as they tumble into the ref for a bit until Kozlov sneaks in and delivers a choke slam. Maryse and Kozlov run off as Santino picks up the cover.
Winner: Santino

Santino celebrates to some huge crowd pops. It’s kind of funny just how over he is. We see Bret walking through the back who apparently has announcement or next week’s show as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: National Dead People Day.

After a salute to soldiers, Bret makes his entrance. He tells us next week, he and Teddy Long are getting all the superstars together for a three hour show. I like how he makes it sound like he can just declare a three hour show like that. He wants to hear some ideas from fans and superstars on what they should do and send him the ideas. Next week is going to be a night to remember apparently and we are suddenly interrupted by Ted Dibiase. Nice to see Virgil is trying to work those extra pounds off. He wants to be made GM for the night next week. Ted says Bret needs money which is why he took this job, so if he just names his price they can get on. Ashton interrupts to say next week will be a Raw Viewer’s Choice like Cyber Sunday apparently. Bret agrees to it and we are suddenly interrupted by Vince McMahon. So soon?

Vince points out that he feels good now, comparably so to being beaten with the chair eighteen times at Wrestlemania. He counted? Vince brings up the very good question of why he would allow Bret to get the GM position. He posits several reasons and says so far Bret’s been making good and popular decisions, but he will have to make tough decisions and they won’t all be easy or popular because the people needed to be treated as children. I’m pretty sure Vince is shooting right now. He says he just came out to wish him luck then he asks if we believe it. Of course, no one does, but he says it’s true and recounts that Bret was banished several years ago and now he’s GM.

Zack is in the back thinking Orton is taking him out bcause he’s a future legend. Alicia says she knows how to figure this out and Orton gets hit in his bad shoulder by Edge from behind with a door. Deadly door attack go! How lame do you have to be to get your ass kicked by a door that badly? He down on the ground forever like Peter Gryphon holding that.

Random Commercial Thought: She’s too British.

Back to the show. They tell us that Orton probably won’t be able to team with Cena tonight. Cole gets all heel on Daniel Bryon since apparently they are in a feud from that crappy third show we don’t speak about if we can avoid it. Apparently Cole talked some shit on him face to face last week and tried to slap Bryon but got his shit wrecked for it. Miz tried some too and also got knocked out.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

Bryon tackles Miz and just punches away before locking on an arm bar but Miz ties up in the ropes. The ref forces a break and Bryon misses a corner charge and gets slammed down from behind. Miz slams fists on Bryon which is funny as Cole told us earlier that Bryon’s fists ere illegal. He tells Bryon to go back to his internet buddies and I just can’t get over how stupid this is as Cole just relentlessly hammers him for being a nerd and Vegan. What the fuck is this. Bryon gets his ass beat for a bit but suddenly Miz is caught up in a Cross Face. He pulls that back like Benoit used to. Miz rolls it over into a pin, but Bryon counters into his own pin for three.
Winner: Bryon

Cole calls it the biggest upset in WWE history as Miz stomps him senseless from behind all around ring side. Miz holds him up for an apology to Cole but Bryon slams him into the table and then tosses him into Cole. This isn’t quite as awesome as anal rape was.

Random Commercial Thought: What grenade? Can you truly prove that the Grenade exists beyond your own perceptions?

We come back to Cole pouting about being assaulted and King tries to awkwardly segue this into being about the Hart’s getting hit by the “Usos?” last week. Somebody tell me how to fucking spell it. All three of them are in he ring speaking as generically gangster as they can. They bring up they are descendants of the Wild Samoans but they aren’t stereotypical ones. No, just stereotypically black instead. The girl takes the microphone saying their families don’t have respect like the Harts, just like her father who was Jimmy Snuka. She says he was benched at Mania the first time (which he was for some reason). She says they were created (like in a tube?) for one purpose, to dominate. The Hart’s take to the ring afterward and beat the Usos out to the floor, isolating one for the Hart Attack, but Tamika trips them up and takes out Natalya. A Double Superkick from Jay and Jimmy drops David before a double team Samoan Drop takes care of Tyson.
They all deliver top rope splashes again before leaving to something that sounds like the Himmy Hart version of a P Diddy song.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish my mom was an alcoholic.

Zack arrives as we return to demand to know who has the hit. He says he could double Ashton’s Twitter followers if he wanted to. Is that a threat? It’s so obvious these segments by Ashton on the titontron are pre-recorded. He says he’ll tell and King gets in the ring with a chair…only for Khali’s music to play. Zack abandons the ring….but Ashton says it isn’t him either. Khali leaves and Goldust arrives. Um, I think the threat level went down considerably. Why does Zack look scared of him too? He says he can’t take anymore and begs to know who it is. He says he’ll never see it coming, just like in Killers and Alicia says she think she’s tired of the little joke before dropping the microphone and delivering a scissor kick to Ryder. Worst scissor kick ever. It hit him in the upper back way off target and he was falling even before she fully dropped it.

Edge and Sheamus meet up in the back and Sheamus says he better not backstab him and blah blah blah, blinded by his skin, can’t listen.

Random Commercial Thought: The Fonz joins Royal Pains? I’m suddenly interested.

Back to the show. This week in WWE History segment is all about the Junkyard Dog who died this week in 98. Next week, the A-Team hosts, which ironically puts Rampage Jackson on a WWE show. Edge arrives for the main event and I have to wonder how the hell a door put Orton on the shelf for the night entirely. Sheamus is out after him and Cena arrives to say Orton unable to compete, which we already knew. Cena says it was a good idea to leave him without time to find a partner. He says everyone hates them both, so he picked a human wrecking ball, Evan Bourne.

John Cena & Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus & Edge

Cena starts things out with Edge. Edge eats the running bulldog out of the corner early and Bourne tags in with a flying kick to Edge’s wrenched arm. Bourne works the arm some more, taking Edge down by the arm, but he escapes. Bourne delivers a hurricanrana and some flying kicks. A wheel kick as Edge crawling to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: When Pigs drive cars.

Back to the match. Evan is picking up a two count as I’m eating my words from earlier since he’s still winning. Sheamus finally just slams him down with a hard shot and drags Bourne to the corner. Nevermind. Edge makes the tag and starts kicking the shit out of him. Edge starts to attack the legs and holds them for Sheamus to tag in and stomp the knees. Bourne escapes a suplex and kicks the knees out on Sheamus. But as Bourne to dive to a tag, Sheamus catches him and tosses Bourne back into a huge clothesline for two. Edge tags back in and taunts for a while before delivering some kicks to the midsection. Edge crushes Bourne in the corner and gets another two count. Edge tries to pick up the pin again with the same results. Bourne fights back with rights and kicks but an enziguiri out of nowhere drops Edge.

Sheamus and Cena are in and Cena just runs him over with shoulder blocks and the protobomb. Cena delivers the five knuckle shuffle and scoops for the FU but Sheamus escapes and delivers a power slam. Sheamus sets up for the pump kick, but Cena ducks and he runs right into a kick from Bourne. Sheamus eats and FU and Cena dodges a spear, sending Edge to the floor while Sheamus eats Air Bourne and the pin.
Winners: Cena & Bourne

Evan jumps into Cena’s arms to be held up and uh…John you might want to get your hand out of the man’s ass crack. This is only a first date.

Highlight of the Night:
Truth and Jericho put on a good match which served to legitimize Truth some.

Lowlight of the Night: The whole Zack Ryder segment was annoying and pointless and ended with a scissor kick that was just horrific.

WWE “Creative” Award: What was with the whole Vince segment? It didn’t lead to anything and it better have a pay off later.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).