WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

May 30, 2011

Welcome back to the show where we push monsters by having them cry like little kids in the middle of the ring. Tune in next week for Kane’s emotional cry at Big Show’s hospital bed side.

Raw 05.30.11

Show opens with a memorial day clip. The show then proceeds to lose all sound while I see R-Truth throwing shit around at the merchandise stand….with no sound. We then have technical difficulties and then come back to….no sound. He’s still throwing shit around and flipping tables. We then get sound…..with massive lag in the sound as Cole and King try to talk and then it overlaps as it suddenly catches up from a time warp. King blames it on R-Truth saying he pulled a plug on it. Who thought up that retardation? Truth is pissed at all the John Cena merchandising.



…we then lose sound AGAIN. Tey keep cutting to this muffled alternate sound that is lagging to the footage. Actually I have that backward. The sound is coming from ahead of the footage playing. Therefore we are hearing the future. He’s talking to little Jimmy and Big Jimmy. It’s seven minutes into the show and the sound still hasn’t been properly fixed. Truth finally gets interrupted by John Cena. It takes ten minutes for things to get fixed finally. Good job, guys. Truth has an argument with Cena in which he appears to have head lice because he keeps scratching at his head. Cole gets an e-mail and till gets booed though he’s trying to be normal. His microphone for reading the e-mail…has no sound. Hey at least fix that after the “And I Quote.” The GM makes a match between Truth and Cena with Little Jimmys banned from ringside….what? Truth is mad at the joke and says Cena will get got.

Random Commercial Thought: Thor was pretty good. Go see it.

Back to the show where Cole and King discuss how they are doing now while Kofi and Dolph are going to mix it up. Hey, it’s just like Smackdown all over again.

US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero (Non-Title Match)

Dolph wrestlers Kofi down with a waist lock, but Kofi turns it around on him for a take down of his own. Of course there are plenty of Vickie fat jokes despite her being smaller now than most winners of the Biggest Loser. Pretty slow start here with several rest holds for some reason despite the two guys we have in the ring. Kingston fires up with some leap frog and is going to go for a flying elbow, but Dolph stops shorts and cuts him off. Kingston turns the tables by leaping out of the corner with punch and leaps into a monkey flip. Ziggler dodges the leap into the corner and kicks Kofi off the top turnbuckle to the floor. Nothing really interesting yet other than Kofi making the same mistake he made last week as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m reading the history of Tough Enough. It is even less interesting than it sounds.

Back to the show where Dolph is working a rest hold as if we haven’t seen enough of them yet. Kofi starts kicking his way free and dodges a corner splash from Dolph. Kofi goes into his offense of chest chops and dropkick, but Dolph ducks the flying clothesline. They both counter in an awkward display that ends with a kick to the gut. Kofi hit’s the Boom Drop and sets up Trouble in Paradise, but Dolph ducks it and counters into the sleeper but Kofi tosses him off. Kofi dodges a follow up charge to slide out into a kick from the apron. Kofi climbs up top and misses a cross body that leads to the fameasser from Ziggler for two. Kofi gets scooped up but counters into a small package for two. They fight to the corner and Kingston attempts the crazy finisher that is apparently called the SOS, but Dolph holds the ropes to make Kingston just flip over and knock himself out. Ziggler finishes it with the Zig Zag.

Winner: Dolph

Cole immediately has a relapse as he says he has no idea why Riley did what he did last week (despite saying Miz deserved it last week) and will be demanding an apology from Riley later. What the fuck, man? You said you were gonna stop.

Random Commercial Thought: Subway eat…whatever is left over from the Sunday delivery.

Alberto joins us in the ring to talk about the incredibly appropriate car accident injury angle for Big Show. He spends a lot of time showing us what happened. Basically, he’s sending Show a bill for damaging his car with his huge ass. He also wishes Big Show well at least. I summed up what just happened in a couple of lines but it took closer to ten minutes.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is Magneto wearing an X-Men uniform?

Back to the show for Kelly Kelly who is one of the most beautiful women in the world according to someone with bad taste.

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

This match sucks. Eve works a headlock on Brie and takes her down. She cartwheels over her for no reason. Even sunset flips into a two count and works a submission of some sort before Kelly idiotically distracts the ref allowing the Bellas to swap. I have no idea which one is in the ring but they just swap out a lot while double teaming. The Bella picks up two on Eve and chokes her out on the rope. More double teaming and tagging out with mostly headlocks. Eve suplexes her way out and tags out to Kelly who Lou Thesz presses into some punches and does her “spank them on he ass” move for the PG folks. She does the stupid screaming head scissor then rubs her ass on the Bella’s face into a bulldog for two. The other Bella interrupts and then gets dropkicked to the floor as Kelly finishes things off with something I could care less about for the three.

Winners: Eve & Kelly

They’ve been hyping a response from Kharma all night and do so again, while replaying her crying so we can be sure not to take her seriously ever again.

Random Commercial Thought: Suits. That’s the title you come up with? Suits? Name fail.

Back to the show where we see some grandpa cooking burgers too much as Cole takes to the ring to completely renege on everything he said last week. Apparently the GM resigned Riley to a Raw contract. After we see some footage, Riley arrives to his new theme music and entrance. Riley confronts Cole who says there has never been a more treacherous act in wrestling, especially not that time the dude killed his whole family and himself. He asks Riley to think about the emotional damage the fans received for seeing what happened to Miz and how Miz feels as well. Riley says he’s never felt better in his life. Cole tells him to beg Miz for forgiveness.

Riley eventually attacks Cole and beats him down into the corner where he gives him a piece of his mind about being forced to carry bags. Miz hit’s the ring and tackles him from behind. Riley throws him off but eats a boot to the face and gets a good stomping. Riley turns the tables and starts tearing Miz around at ringside and slamming him into the ring barricades over and over. He gets tossed over one where Riley leaps over onto him to continue the beat down onto the announce desk. Miz then escapes through the crowd with his shirt looking like he just recently turned into the Incredible Hulk.

Random Commercial Thought: How much more retarded can shaving get?

Back to the show here we see Macho Man’s spirit buried one last time for good measure to set up for our following match.

CM Punk w/ Mason Ryan vs. Rey Mysterio

Punk overpowers Rey and beats him into the corner before choking him out heavily. Rey comes back with a kick to the head and a head scissor before going to mounted punches in the corner. Punk just slips right out of it and tosses Rey down. He tries to Chuck Rey to the floor but he manages to smoothly land and come back to the apron. Mason Ryan slams him into the ring post while Punk is distracting the ref. I guess the ref just assume he fells several feet into the ring post as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Brink blows. Just saying.

Back to the show where Punk is working some weird submission that could double as a yoga-based sexual maneuver. Punk works a head scissor hold on Rey now. Rey fights his ay out after a while and kicks his way free. Punk takes a trip to the floor but Mysterio suicide dives through the opes to send Punk flying over the announce table. Rey tosses Punk back in and climbs up top for a senton. He follows with a cross body that picks up two. Rey weirdly gets caught in an electric chair drop and Rey rolls up into a….I have no idea what you call that roll up but it gets two. Punk comes back with a back breaker for a two count. Punk wonders what he needs to do while Mason Ryan looks to be offering the advice to just eat him. Rey looks like he’s about to come back when Ryan distracts him for Punk to deliver the kick to the back of the head for the win.

Winner: Punk

We see Kharma crying again before we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I still don’t understand X-Men First Class. I gives up. Somebody help me with what’s going on with that.

Kharma is in the ring to say that JR told her she was too fat to be a Diva when she tried to be a WWE Diva. Oh, I’m shocked that this is where we are going. Kharma mentions going to wrestling dojos in Japan. Uh….they have those? I call bullshit. She says she has wrestled in ever dank, stanky corner of the world. Like TNA? She says her dream came true and actually is getting some mild cheers from he audience, but of course there are plenty of idiot guys talking shit about her. She says she is pregnant. She says he can ‘t compete right now, but she will be back and wants to thank us for letting her share her dream and she will be back. The Bellas then appear. They of course think she is just really fat and that she’s going to some how get even bigger.

This is several minutes of fat jokes. She eventually scares them off with just a move. She says she hopes they will still be here in a year because she has a new dream and then leaves. King says what a loathsome behavior this way for the Bellas despite having made fat jokes about Vickie the entire time he as here. There’s a kid behind King and Cole who looks like he’s probably got a mental illness or is just stupid. They then the fake press conference with Obma again in another dream sequence. They even set it up exactly the same. Who did this test well with last time? Why doesn’t anyone ask a real press conference question like “Where’s your birth certificate?” None of those people are coming that you say are coming.

Random Commercial Thought: Because buttered toast falls butter side down, it’s the devil.

Back to the show where we get Jack Swagger.

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Bourne gets beat down until Swagger goes for a suplex that Evan forces to send them both falling to the floor. Swagger spears him into the edge of the ring and runs Evan down with a big clothesline back in the ring. Swagger does pushups on Evan…while groping his ass. And people say wrestling is gay? I don’t see it. Swagger works a headlock and knees Evan in the gut to beat him back down to the mat. Evan comes back with some kicks, but Swagger just shuts him down with a side slam and beats his chest, letting us know he now plans to solve his problems by throwing barrels at them. The crowd is chanting “boring” at how plodding this match as been so Evan ends it with a roll up.

Winner: Evan

Makes perfect sense a tiny guy would be able to hold a big guy down for free after getting annihilated for five minutes. Truth is still talking to himself in the back while standing in front of…an R-Truth semi truck? Why does that exist? Ryder cameos again with a toy championship belt as he meets Cena in the back.

Random Commercial Thought: I have to admit I have not watched any of these commercials at all. I’m sure they were fascinating.

The match isn’t getting started until ten after seeing the footage from earlier in the show with Truth in its unedited entirety. Why? Padding.

R-Truth vs. WWE Champion John Cena

Truth goes to miz it up and just rolls to the floor out of a tie up. The ref is counting him out and he’s just walking around yelling at all of the little Jimmy John wieners or something. He does get back in and delivers a kick to the mid section, beating Cena into the corner and proceeding to stomp the ever-loving shit out of him. Cena no sells this and delivers a bulldog. Truth just rolls to the floor again. Truth starts walking around ringside, yelling at people for their t-shirts again and gets back in again at 8. Dueling Cena chants start. Truth is doing a weird chicken head bob to this. Cena proceeds to just annihilate truth with one shot and the protobomb into the shuffle. Truth then runs to the floor again. Truth wonders where he went wrong in life and ended up in a feud he’s destined to lose miserably. This is as boring as watching a Yak being milked. He’s immediately scooped into the FU when he tries to get in again. Truth grabs the ropes and drags himself out before walking out into the crowd and taking a walk back to Little Jimmy from earlier. Cena then chases him out to drag him back. Truth delivers a cheap shot to Cena at the ring barricade and dives back into the ring for the count out. Winner R-Truth

Loser: Everyone

Well, it’s a rare day somebody ins a match with no offense at all. Truth takes Little Jimmy’s soda and spills it on Big Jimmy before running away.

Highlight of the Night:Punk/Rey was good at least.

Lowlight of the Night:Everything was slow and just relatively plodding for no reason. Kharma disappoints entirely which is a big let down for the diva division that is already dying a slow death.

WWE "Creative" Award: Cole relapses into what we had hoped was over for good.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.