Welcome back. Tonight’s
review is made possible by the loan of a laptop cord
from a friend of mine. Otherwise I would just be
looking at a dead black screen right now. If you
missed Over the Limit, as far as Raw is concerned,
absolutely nothing at all happened of note. Batista
lost, Edge and Orton got a double count out and
Jericho and Miz failed to capture the tag team
belts. All in all, pretty predictable standard of
results. Oh, and Batista RAN CENA OVER WITH A CAR
THAT EXPLODED. He no sold it.
the show with an I Quit Match recap that ended with
Sheamus attacking Cena after the match so we can
look forward to more exhilarating Sheamus/Cena
matches….kill me. After theme and pyro, Batista
arrives with assistance and wrapped up, moving at
the speed of my grandma. And she’s dead. They set
him up in a wheelchair and he demands his spotlight.
I was kind of hoping the wheels would glitter like a
disco ball there. Batista threatens to file suit
against Cena, the WWE and the fans for supporting
what happened to him. I don’t think it works that
way. He says these haven’t been the way championship
matches are supposed happen, with the duct tapes and
cars. He says he believes in something called honor.
Something called that, but not necessarily that
since he did RUN SOMEONE OVER WITH AN EXPLODING CAR.
He says he’ll be out for weeks, months and maybe
years. I give him till the fall. He says he deserves
a rematch whenever he comes back. The
then introduces our new GM, Bret Hart. Oh,
interesting. Bret tells us a new PPV will happen in
Jun called Fatal Four Way in which Cena will defend
against three people decided tonight.
gives Batista a chance to qualify tonight but Bret
says the opponent is hurt too and it’s Orton.
Batista keeps whining and complaining so Bret just
has Orton win the qualifying match by forfeit.
Batista gets mad as Bret leaves and he decides to
just quit and cry in the ring like a woman.
Random Commercial Thought: Kung Fu Kid.
to the show where Mark Henry is taking on Sheamus
for a spot in the match. I don’t know why we are
even doing this when we all know it will be Edge,
Orton and Sheamus.
Sheamus vs. Mark Henry
the holy shit out of Henry from the get go. He works
over Henry’s arm, kicking him in it until he’s down
to work an arm bar that looks so sloppy I wonder
what the hell they think they are even doing.
Sheamus performs a falling arm breaker but Henry
comes back with a clothesline and some shoulder
blocks. He hits a big body splash and picks up a two
count off of Sheamus. This is the grossest looking
match with the pasty white and the darkest black
against each others. Henry tries to bench press
Sheamus off the top turn buckle but his arm gives
and Sheamus hits his pump kick for the three.
Random Commercial Thought:
Hmm, maybe we should reconsider pissing off the
enormous lava tentacle monster next time.
John Lovitz or however you spell that is hosting
tonight and will be searching for people’s talents.
Didn’t Ozzy already do that? Wild Maryse appears to
him in the back to give him hot photos. He asks for
a sneak peak and gets none. I miss The Critic. We
cut to Edge in the back who is talking to Bret and
then joined by Jericho who demands a shot over Edge
for beating him already. Obviously they have to
fight each other.
Random Commercial Thought:
Does that kid have broccoli for hair?
the show where we get more replays of Eve pretending
to not suck. I love how when Eve enters the ring she
gets total apathy every time. Also her theme sucks.
Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Alicia
Fox & Maryse
We’ve seen this match
enough now. Fox gets beat down by Kim into the
corner for the wrap around corner splash. Gail tries
a sunset flip after fending off Maryse but Alicia
makes a tag to Maryse while being rolled up. Gail
gets kicked in the head by Maryse on her way in and
eats the spinning back breaker. Maryse tries to
knock Eve off the apron to prevent a tag but she
ducks and hits Maryse first. The tag is made and Eve
comes in with crappy dropkick and a stiff neck
breaker for two. She delivers a standing moonsault
and Alicia breaks it up. Eve gets kicked in the jaw
by Alicia while Kim is being put to the apron and
Maryse finishes it off with the French Kiss.
Winners: Maryse & Fox
That match was shorter
but we might as well go back to commercial anyway I
guess. Before we go we see Bret Hart win the title
Random Commercial Thought: OH shit
Back to the show where R-Truth is
going to take on The Miz for a chance to win the US
title which Bret vacated by becoming GM.
R-Truth vs. The Miz (US title
Truth starts off getting owned
by her flips over Miz into a sunset flip for a quick
two count as retaliation. Miz gets pissed and takes
a walk to the floor to regroup and we go back to
commercial because who needs to see any wrestling
when we could watch adds. I think six of the last
ten minutes have been commercials.
Commercial Thought: Nachos are only hardcore when
you make them the real way.
Back to the show.
Truth is hurting because he landed on his head out
of a flip over senton to the outside. This gives a
good excuse for Miz to work headlocks instead of do
anything else. Truth fights out but runs into a kick
to the gut and something akin to the flatliner for
two. Miz delivers some knees to the spine and hangs
Truth up in a tree of woe. He stomps Truth down and
the ref starts warning him when it seems like Miz is
just standing on him trying to do something weird.
Truth counters by leaning up into a german suplex to
toss Miz off the top for two. Truth picks up two
more off of a missile drop kick soon after. Miz
blocks some kind of overhead shot and Truth counters
into a reverse Russian leg sweep for two again.
Truth goes for a cross body but Miz counters with a
roll through for two. Miz trying to finish things
off by cranking the neck in a reverse DDT but
a backslide by Truth gets two. Awesome chant starts
off hilariously. Truth tries to set up a scissor
kick but Miz steps out of the way only to turn
around and allow Truth to spin into him with the Lie
Detector which is a stupid as hell looking finisher
if you ask me.
And now, as
more padding, we get the footage of Batista quitting
and forfeiting his match. We cut to Cena who talks
some trash on Sheamus and accuses him of
moonlighting as Beaker from the Muppets. He might be
onto something there actually. He tells us he is
done playing nice and the “Cenation” is here. I…I
just had an aneurism.
Thought: I trust Intrust…to fuck up and be slow.
John comes out with the Bella twins to do his
superstar search. No, I won’t recap it. I’d only
acknowledge this as good if someone’s talent was to
make the Bella twins and Eve have actual in-ring
talent. What follows…it’s kind of embarrassing to
see. Obligatory Khali and Jillian appearances. When
is Jillian going to get a new gimmick? How many
years has it been now? Also a guy claims to pull his
eye out. This is stupid and eventually things are
interrupted by Virgil and Dibiase. Ted wants to buy
the guy’s eyeball and if he doesn’t buy it, he’ll
beat hi up and take it. Santino to the rescue.
Santino kills Virgil with a jugular pinch so Dibiase
delivers Dream Street to him. It was as pointless as
it sounds, like that scene in Highlander 2 where
Sean Connery uses the force on a giant ceiling fan.
Random Commercial Thought: Winner winner chicken
Back to the show where we get a recap
of Sheamus qualifying and we get a match going for
the Tag team champs against Regal and Kozlov again.
Haven’t gotten tired of that one yet I guess?
William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Unified Tag Team
Champions The Hart Dynasty (Non-title Match)
Tyson has his back to Regal and gets jumped from
behind, Kozlov tags in and hauls Tyson around
but he gets hung up on the ropes by an escape from
Tyson. Smith tags in and tries to stall a suplex out
but Kozlov escapes and makes a tag. Regal comes in
and misses his running knee lift. Smith makes a tag
and hangs Regal up for the Hart attack and the win.
After the match they are
jumped by a trio of samoans, including a girl and
laid out for three top rope splashes. They look like
new Wild Samoans I guess, but the announcers
actually don’t care at all and just pimp our main
Random Commercial Thought: No, I’m not
done complaining about the Karate Kid yet.
Back to the show where they interview the NXT
Rookies and then show us a clip of Daniel Bryon and
Cole having a fight last week. Cole bitches and
whines about it. King tells him to see a therapist
but he’s apparently spoken to his attorneys and
demands an apology from him this week. Nobody cares
about plots involving Michael Cole, people.
Random Commercial Thought: Big Show is awkward in
Back to the show. John
Cena arrives to take on Edge and Jericho. The
stipulation here is that the winner gets into the
match, but if Cena wins, neither of them does.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Chris
Jericho vs. Edge (Non-Title Match)
Cena attacks Jericho and ground him before pounding
Edge into the corner. Jericho tries to roll him up
for a two count. Cena fights him off and Edge
attacks from behind. Cena blocks and Edge attempts
one of his infinite finishers, but Cena blocks that
as well and tosses him to the floor. He immediately
dumps Jericho as well for a trip to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Abyss sucked by the
Edge gets dumped to the floor as we come
back and Cena squares off with Jericho. Jericho
drops Cena with a suplex for a quick two count and
works a headlock because he obviously has plenty of
time to waste as being lightly knocked to the floor
completely KILED EDGE DEAD for the next couple of
minutes. Cena hoists Jericho out of the headlock,
but Jericho slips into a DDT for another two count.
Jericho slaps Cena around but crashes into the ring
post into the corner. Cena goes to his usual offense
and gets the five knuckle shuffle. Jericho falls out
of the FU oddly, being dumped by Cena as Edge
returns to the ring. It’s weird and stupid looking
and Edge misses Cena, hitting Jericho really
stupidly as well, kind of walking into him. Cena
puts the STF on Edge. Jericho makes the save and
puts the Walls on Cena while he still has the STF.
Edge escapes but goes for a DDT on Jericho only to
be scooped into the Walls. Cena breaks it up and
catches Jericho out of a cross body for an FU but
he’s speared by Edge and everybody falls to the
floor. Edge crawls to a cover and Cena is bleeding.
SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Cena kicks out and
Jericho drags him off but Edge gets a small package.
Cena clotheslines Jericho and scoops Edge for an FU
only to be tossed into the Code Breaker. Edge spears
Jericho and gets the three on Jericho.
Sheamus stares off with Edge and Cena
after the match so Orton decides to join them
because nobody does mindless staring as good as
of the Night: Not much of note tonight, the
matches were short and lackluster. The main event
was the only thing mildly worth watching.
Lowlight of the Night: Talent Search could
have been put to better use. Like finding where the
fuck the writers put THEIR talent.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever thought
Michael Cole’s fight on NXT deserved more
recognition that the tag team champions being
annihilated by a mystery team.
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Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to
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Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).