WWE
RAW RANT:
(05/24/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Tonight’s review is made possible by the loan of a laptop cord from a friend of mine. Otherwise I would just be looking at a dead black screen right now. If you missed Over the Limit, as far as Raw is concerned, absolutely nothing at all happened of note. Batista lost, Edge and Orton got a double count out and Jericho and Miz failed to capture the tag team belts. All in all, pretty predictable standard of results. Oh, and Batista RAN CENA OVER WITH A CAR THAT EXPLODED. He no sold it.

Raw 05.24.10

We open the show with an I Quit Match recap that ended with Sheamus attacking Cena after the match so we can look forward to more exhilarating Sheamus/Cena matches….kill me. After theme and pyro, Batista arrives with assistance and wrapped up, moving at the speed of my grandma. And she’s dead. They set him up in a wheelchair and he demands his spotlight. I was kind of hoping the wheels would glitter like a disco ball there. Batista threatens to file suit against Cena, the WWE and the fans for supporting what happened to him. I don’t think it works that way. He says these haven’t been the way championship matches are supposed happen, with the duct tapes and cars. He says he believes in something called honor. Something called that, but not necessarily that since he did RUN SOMEONE OVER WITH AN EXPLODING CAR. He says he’ll be out for weeks, months and maybe years. I give him till the fall. He says he deserves a rematch whenever he comes back. The
 announcer then introduces our new GM, Bret Hart. Oh, interesting. Bret tells us a new PPV will happen in Jun called Fatal Four Way in which Cena will defend against three people decided tonight.

Bret gives Batista a chance to qualify tonight but Bret says the opponent is hurt too and it’s Orton. Batista keeps whining and complaining so Bret just has Orton win the qualifying match by forfeit. Batista gets mad as Bret leaves and he decides to just quit and cry in the ring like a woman.

Random Commercial Thought: Kung Fu Kid.

Back to the show where Mark Henry is taking on Sheamus for a spot in the match. I don’t know why we are even doing this when we all know it will be Edge, Orton and Sheamus.

Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Sheamus kicks the holy shit out of Henry from the get go. He works over Henry’s arm, kicking him in it until he’s down to work an arm bar that looks so sloppy I wonder what the hell they think they are even doing. Sheamus performs a falling arm breaker but Henry comes back with a clothesline and some shoulder blocks. He hits a big body splash and picks up a two count off of Sheamus. This is the grossest looking match with the pasty white and the darkest black against each others. Henry tries to bench press Sheamus off the top turn buckle but his arm gives and Sheamus hits his pump kick for the three.
Winner: Sheamus

Random Commercial Thought: Hmm, maybe we should reconsider pissing off the enormous lava tentacle monster next time.

John Lovitz or however you spell that is hosting tonight and will be searching for people’s talents. Didn’t Ozzy already do that? Wild Maryse appears to him in the back to give him hot photos. He asks for a sneak peak and gets none. I miss The Critic. We cut to Edge in the back who is talking to Bret and then joined by Jericho who demands a shot over Edge for beating him already. Obviously they have to fight each other.

Random Commercial Thought: Does that kid have broccoli for hair?

Back to the show where we get more replays of Eve pretending to not suck. I love how when Eve enters the ring she gets total apathy every time. Also her theme sucks.

Eve Torres & Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox & Maryse

We’ve seen this match enough now. Fox gets beat down by Kim into the corner for the wrap around corner splash. Gail tries a sunset flip after fending off Maryse but Alicia makes a tag to Maryse while being rolled up. Gail gets kicked in the head by Maryse on her way in and eats the spinning back breaker. Maryse tries to knock Eve off the apron to prevent a tag but she ducks and hits Maryse first. The tag is made and Eve comes in with crappy dropkick and a stiff neck breaker for two. She delivers a standing moonsault and Alicia breaks it up. Eve gets kicked in the jaw by Alicia while Kim is being put to the apron and Maryse finishes it off with the French Kiss.
Winners: Maryse & Fox

That match was shorter but we might as well go back to commercial anyway I guess. Before we go we see Bret Hart win the title last week.

Random Commercial Thought: OH shit a lion!

Back to the show where R-Truth is going to take on The Miz for a chance to win the US title which Bret vacated by becoming GM.

R-Truth vs. The Miz (US title Match)

Truth starts off getting owned by her flips over Miz into a sunset flip for a quick two count as retaliation. Miz gets pissed and takes a walk to the floor to regroup and we go back to commercial because who needs to see any wrestling when we could watch adds. I think six of the last ten minutes have been commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Nachos are only hardcore when you make them the real way.

Back to the show. Truth is hurting because he landed on his head out of a flip over senton to the outside. This gives a good excuse for Miz to work headlocks instead of do anything else. Truth fights out but runs into a kick to the gut and something akin to the flatliner for two. Miz delivers some knees to the spine and hangs Truth up in a tree of woe. He stomps Truth down and the ref starts warning him when it seems like Miz is just standing on him trying to do something weird. Truth counters by leaning up into a german suplex to toss Miz off the top for two. Truth picks up two more off of a missile drop kick soon after. Miz blocks some kind of overhead shot and Truth counters into a reverse Russian leg sweep for two again.

Truth goes for a cross body but Miz counters with a roll through for two. Miz trying to finish things off  by cranking the neck in a reverse DDT but a backslide by Truth gets two. Awesome chant starts off hilariously. Truth tries to set up a scissor kick but Miz steps out of the way only to turn around and allow Truth to spin into him with the Lie Detector which is a stupid as hell looking finisher if you ask me.
Winner: Truth

And now, as more padding, we get the footage of Batista quitting and forfeiting his match. We cut to Cena who talks some trash on Sheamus and accuses him of moonlighting as Beaker from the Muppets. He might be onto something there actually. He tells us he is done playing nice and the “Cenation” is here. I…I just had an aneurism.

Random Commercial Thought: I trust Intrust…to fuck up and be slow.

John comes out with the Bella twins to do his superstar search. No, I won’t recap it. I’d only acknowledge this as good if someone’s talent was to make the Bella twins and Eve have actual in-ring talent. What follows…it’s kind of embarrassing to see. Obligatory Khali and Jillian appearances. When is Jillian going to get a new gimmick? How many years has it been now? Also a guy claims to pull his eye out. This is stupid and eventually things are interrupted by Virgil and Dibiase. Ted wants to buy the guy’s eyeball and if he doesn’t buy it, he’ll beat hi up and take it. Santino to the rescue. Santino kills Virgil with a jugular pinch so Dibiase delivers Dream Street to him. It was as pointless as it sounds, like that scene in Highlander 2 where Sean Connery uses the force on a giant ceiling fan.

Random Commercial Thought: Winner winner chicken dinner.

Back to the show where we get a recap of Sheamus qualifying and we get a match going for the Tag team champs against Regal and Kozlov again. Haven’t gotten tired of that one yet I guess?

William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov vs. Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (Non-title Match)

Tyson has his back to Regal and gets jumped from behind, Kozlov tags in  and hauls Tyson around but he gets hung up on the ropes by an escape from Tyson. Smith tags in and tries to stall a suplex out but Kozlov escapes and makes a tag. Regal comes in and misses his running knee lift. Smith makes a tag and hangs Regal up for the Hart attack and the win.
Winners: Dynasty

After the match they are jumped by a trio of samoans, including a girl and laid out for three top rope splashes. They look like new Wild Samoans I guess, but the announcers actually don’t care at all and just pimp our main event.

Random Commercial Thought: No, I’m not done complaining about the Karate Kid yet.

Back to the show where they interview the NXT Rookies and then show us a clip of Daniel Bryon and Cole having a fight last week. Cole bitches and whines about it. King tells him to see a therapist but he’s apparently spoken to his attorneys and demands an apology from him this week. Nobody cares about plots involving Michael Cole, people.

Random Commercial Thought: Big Show is awkward in social situations.

Back to the show. John Cena arrives to take on Edge and Jericho. The stipulation here is that the winner gets into the match, but if Cena wins, neither of them does.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. Edge (Non-Title Match)

Cena attacks Jericho and ground him before pounding Edge into the corner. Jericho tries to roll him up for a two count. Cena fights him off and Edge attacks from behind. Cena blocks and Edge attempts one of his infinite finishers, but Cena blocks that as well and tosses him to the floor. He immediately dumps Jericho as well for a trip to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Abyss sucked by the way.

Edge gets dumped to the floor as we come back and Cena squares off with Jericho. Jericho drops Cena with a suplex for a quick two count and works a headlock because he obviously has plenty of time to waste as being lightly knocked to the floor completely KILED EDGE DEAD for the next couple of minutes. Cena hoists Jericho out of the headlock, but Jericho slips into a DDT for another two count. Jericho slaps Cena around but crashes into the ring post into the corner. Cena goes to his usual offense and gets the five knuckle shuffle. Jericho falls out of the FU oddly, being dumped by Cena as Edge returns to the ring. It’s weird and stupid looking and Edge misses Cena, hitting Jericho really stupidly as well, kind of walking into him. Cena puts the STF on Edge. Jericho makes the save and puts the Walls on Cena while he still has the STF.

Edge escapes but goes for a DDT on Jericho only to be scooped into the Walls. Cena breaks it up and catches Jericho out of a cross body for an FU but he’s speared by Edge and everybody falls to the floor. Edge crawls to a cover and Cena is bleeding. SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Cena kicks out and Jericho drags him off but Edge gets a small package. Cena clotheslines Jericho and scoops Edge for an FU only to be tossed into the Code Breaker. Edge spears Jericho and gets the three on Jericho.
Winner: Edge

Sheamus stares off with Edge and Cena after the match so Orton decides to join them because nobody does mindless staring as good as Orton.

Highlight of the Night: Not much of note tonight, the matches were short and lackluster. The main event was the only thing mildly worth watching.

Lowlight of the Night: Talent Search could have been put to better use. Like finding where the fuck the writers put THEIR talent.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever thought Michael Cole’s fight on NXT deserved more recognition that the tag team champions being annihilated by a mystery team.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.