Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

May 23, 2011


In case you missed Over the Limit, just imagine the obvious finish to every match, and you will be one hundred percent correct. Oh hey, Michael Cole was DEFEETED! HAHA!….yeah, stupid joke and somebody else did the same joke on the show. Anyway, I’m sad to tell you all of the passing of a legendary series of joke material for all of us here on the Wrestling Fan and in the IWC. Stephanie McMahan/Savage underage rape jokes will be sorely missed.

Raw 05.23.11

Jerry Lawler opens the show instead of a tribute to Randy Savage like you may have expected. King introduces Bret Hart who gave hi the assist against Michael Cole. My God, Bret. Is your last match involvement going to be against Michael Cole? Look at yourself, man. He says he has zero respect for Michael Cole, unlike Lawler despite their differences. He is suddenly interrupted by R-Truth who still has no entrance music other than his “The Truth Shall Set You Free.” He’s here to remind us that he got fucked over and asks for Bret to help him help him help him. That wasn’t a typo. He said that. He says he needs to find a little Jimmy, which might mean child molestation. He’s going to be a good R-Truth now and puts his shades on a Little Jimmy and asks if he’s next in line for a championship match. When this is a resounding no, he takes his glasses back and reminds us being nice didn’t get him diddly shit.

He says actions speak louder than words and probably needs to beat up Bret if he wants recognition. Bret reminds him that the reason he ever got matches was because he’s the best. Hard to argue with that. Bret calls him a lunatic and Bret says he won’t stand here and be disrespected when he’s suddenly interrupted by John Cena who is hobbling out after his match with Miz. Cena invites him back into the ring for a talk. He takes a moment to happily shake Bret’s hand. Cena asks Truth when he went fucking crazy since they used to be cool. Truth responds with some rhyme about roosters that actually makes Cena laugh instantly because it made no fucking sense. Truth then points out Cena is holding everyone else because the show is all about John Cena. Cena says it’s all about the people. Truth randomly says he wants his son back. That was…weird. Cena says he may be hurting but it’s time somebody knocked some sense into Truth. The GM interrupts and Josh Matthews reads it for us.

The GM refuses to offer Truth the match and instead wants him to show he deserves it in a tag team main event between Punk and Truth against Cena and Mysterio with Bret Hart as referee. Bret gives his shades to Little Jimmy. Little Jimmy is a little too fat to be called little anything. We see Show and Kane complaining about the Nexus when they are approached by Rodriguez for leaning their butts on Alberto’s car. Alberto shows up angry that they beat him up. Unfortunately both of them don’t speak Spanish. I’m pretty sure he said “Take a walk, you stinking dogs.” I don’t really know what else he said, but they kindly do.

Random Commercial Thought: We need more blades. Introducing the Gillette Mach 29!

WWE Tag Team Champions Kane & big Show vs. David Otunga & Mike McStupidName (Tag Team Title Match)

David does the dumbest spot ever where he goes for an elbow drop when Kane comes back into the ring after chasing him outside, but Kane just doesn’t so David hurts himself and gets dragged to the floor for an ass kicking. Punk is on the announce team when is nice again. Big Show comes in with big chest slaps and David runs to the tag on Mike. Show stares him down and just chucks him into the corner for an ass kicking and more slaps. Mike gets slapped again and rolls around in pain while Show kicks him around before decking him with a big boot. Mason Ryan stands around and ringside and flexes his Batista muscles in anger. Mike is sent to the floor where Nexus tries to regroup as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: 5-hours of energy my ass. I feel great to get five minutes.

Kane is now getting choked out on the ropes when we return and getting double teamed by quick tags. Mike works a neck wrench that looks really awful. Kane fights out of this stupid fucking move and then proceeds to completely miss a dropkick to the knee that Kane sells. This match is fucking clownshoes. David tags in with a neck breaker on Kane to get a two count before working another headlock. Kane fights free with uppercuts and drops David with a big boot before suddenly falling down. Big Show has a fucking seizure on the apron in excitement before Mike is ran the fuck over. Show crushes him with a butt slam in the corner and rebouncds off into a clothesline. Mason Ryan distracts the ref while Show fires up a choke slam, but David’s run in is caught for a choke slam too. Kane clothesline’s Ryan to the floor and goes out with him, but Punk kicks Show in the back of the head. Nexus delivers a shitty double DDT for the win.

Winners: Nexus

Uh, suddenly Nexus is given the belts. They kind of forgot to inform us this terrible fucking match was for the tag belts for some reason.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not holding anyone’s stones.

They show us the world’s most racist caricature of Barrack Obama for the poster of Capitol Punishment next month before we see a promotion video of Randy “I don’t lose matches” Orton. We then reshow the Nexus capturing the tag titles with the two members of the group who have wrestled a total of four matches this year I think. Show is asked in the back if he’s frustrated and tells him he’s fucking obviously frustrated. Alberto shows up and slaps him so Show gives chase and gets hit by Alberto’s car and his leg is trapped under it. Kane looks funny holding Big Show’s hand while he screams in pain and is worked on by the paramedics.

Random Commercial Thought: Bangcock! Clever!

Big Show is still being attended to after the break and demands that he’s fine and be allowed to stand up. He refuses a stretcher and looks angry as all hell. Swagger makes his way to the ring to take on Evan “I never win any matches” Bourne.

Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne

Evan delivers a head scissors and then runs into a big boot from Swagger who hammers the holy shit out of him. Evan kicks out at two before being put in an arm lock and dragged around the ring. Swagger goes for a clothesline and Evan tries a super kick, but Swagger catches it for the ankle lock. Bourne escapes and goes for a roll up that gets two when Swagger decides to finish it with the gut wrench power bomb for three.

Winner: Swagger

Swagger is doing his arm spread victory lap when he suddenly eats a super kick from Bourne who runs down the aisle and laughs. We see Michael Cole in the back being made fun of divas before we go to commercials. It’s so nice not to hear him for once. I don’t feel enraged.

Random Commercial Thought: Just want to remind Great Scott not to kill himself after Over the Limit.

Back to the show where Michael Cole apologizes to everyone at ringside by name. I now know the time keeper’s name and plan to immediately forget it before I finish typing this sentence. He apologizes for his reprehensible behavior. He asks for forgiveness to be allowed to sit and do commentary again, no more Cole mines or matches between them. The promise of the Cole Mine leaving actually got claps. Miz suddenly comes out and starts talking about Alex Riley fucking up all the time recently. I’m a little confused what this had to do with Michael Cole, it’s as if we just cut that segment off and went into another one. Oh, he’s addressing the Raw GM for another chance at a title match. He says that Riley was so unhelpful, he was in a handicap match against Cena. Riley looks pissed. Miz says he refuses to leave the ring until the GM dings. The GM denies the request finally and says he is done with John Cena. Miz slowly turns with the Crazy Eyes on Riley.

He demands an explanation and Riley says it wasn’t his fault Miz said he quit. Miz slaps him in the face for that one and then cuts him off. Miz says Riley is nothing without him and says he has been one big disappointment after another. He finally just flat out fires him and shoves him in the face so Riley tackles his ass and beats the bat shit out of Miz all around the ring and tears his shirt right off. Hilariously King describes this as beating the Miz right out of clothesline while Riley says he did all he could for him before choking him with the shirt and beating him over the announce desk. Hilarious “Riley” chants right now. He runs Miz down with one last kick before storming off. Maybe now he’ll actually amount to something on this show.

Random Commercial Thought: Your college logo sucks if all they could come up with a one fucking letter.

Back to the show for an eight diva tag match.

The Bellas & Maryse & Melina vs. Eve Torres & Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix & Gail Kim

Cole goes on and on about how awesome the divas are now and how pretty they are now. Whatever, queer. Kelly begins with Brie and tackles her into a beating and a butt slap into a bulldog. This is then all interrupted by Kharma. I’m kind of pissed because I really wanted to see Beth wrestle again, but I guess I never will. Beth seems to be organizing the divas together in order to stand against her.

Winner: Haha there was no match

Kharma looks around at all the divas and decides to get in anyway. They circle in around her while Kharma flexes and hulks up or something before uh….dropping to her knees and crying? The fuck? Way to make your monster heel look like shit. Are…are they doing a plot where she’s sad because they are all pretty and she’s fat? She keeps mouthing something I can’t make out. They literally just cut to commercial from this.

Random Commercial Thought: Youtube doesn’t know what the fuck fair use is.

Back to the show where we see Kharma breaking down again and then a replay of Kingston and Sheamus having a tables match that got Kingston the belt. Not sure why we are seeing that just now for the first time on Raw.

Drew McIntyre vs. US Champion Kofi Kingston (US Title Match)

Drew looks all angry and shoves Kingston into the corner. In case you care, Drew lost a match to Daniel Bryan in a dark match at the PPV. Kofi eats a hard hit and then fires up into some fast offense uh….everyone is just leaping over each other all over the place. McIntyre finally just tackles his legs in mid air to cause Kingston to hurt his leg. Drew works the knee and slams it into the ring post before putting a figure four on around the ring post and holding it on for the maximum amount of time. Drew picks up a two count back in the ring. Drew kicks the knee out when Kingston tries to get up and does that little Clint Eastwood constant squint look that he does. Does he need glasses or something? Kingston launches into an enziguiri when Drew drags him up by the leg.

Kofi goes into his offense with the backflipping Russian leg sweep and hobbles into the boom drop. He sets up for Trouble in Paradise which is totally going to work, but of course that goes over like expected and he falls to his knee for a big kick to the chin. Drew goes for a knee breaker but Kofi leaps into some mounted punches that get countered into a big power bomb that still only gets two. Drew gets pissed and wonders why he’s not Randy Orton yet that he acts vicious and wears gold and black trunks and got a tan. He needs more oil and less of a moveset. Drew beats on him in the corner, but Kogi wraps around him into a pinning modified Russian Leg Sweep that I can’t quite explain for the three.

Winner: Kingston

We see Dolph and Vickie watching this in the back which would make sense if there was any reason for these two to be feuding. I swear to fucking God that they then have a dream sequence where we see Obama having a press conference on Capitol Punishment where they took footage of Obama speeches spliced with fake interview questions. This was as fucking stupid as it gets. They invited everyone from Washington DC to show up to the PPV. I don’t fucking care. We then see Nexus celebrating in the back. Punk says they should see what he’s about to do….lose horribly?

Random Commercial Thought: Christian give it up. The time for entertaining, talented wrestlers has passed.

In the back we get an interview from Alberto who says Big Show needed to pay for disrespecting him, but he had nothing to do with this, it’s Ricardo’s fault because he’s a fucking idiot. They say Show is in a medical facility getting checked out. This was mostly padding, like all of the scenes with Shia Labeouf in a Transformers movie. We then go on to do a tribute to Macho Man. It’s a bit depressing to realize how few people in that audience actually remember Macho Man matches.

Random Commercial Thought: Sherlock Holmes by the Asylum was hilariously awesome.

Back to the show where Bret Hart makes his way ot to referee the main event.

R-Truth & CM Punk vs. WWE Champion John Cena & Rey Mysterio (Special Referee: Bret Hart)

Truth starts off with Cena who sells his injuries form the PPV by chucking R-Truth to the floor with ease where he regroups with CM Punk.

Random Commercial Thought: Wasn’t I just here.

Cena is firing up on Punk who is wearing the gayest fucking trunks ever. Bright pink trunks and yellow leg guards. I assume it’s supposed to be a bit of a tribute to Macho Man’s pink yellow he had for a period of time. Dueling chants on Cena now. Punk hides behind Bret Hart and then gets a cheap shot in to turn the tide. Truth tags in and gets some two counts before Punk is back in with a sharp Russian leg sweep. He gets up in Bret’s face asking if he learned how to count in Canada when he only gets two. Punk goes up top and demands a tthree count from Bret before dropping on Cena for only two. Bret is counting incredibly slow actually. Punk works the arm and then tags out to Truth who delivers a slow suplex for yet another two. Bret needs to actually try and do his job I think. Bret and Truth get in each other’s faces.

Punk is in and almost gets tripped into a an STF, but he escapes. Cena kicks out of a leg hold to make the tag to Rey. Rey comes in with a series of head scissors and a super kick to a seated Punk for two when Truth breaks it up. Cena just comes in with an FU, but Truth delivers the downward spiral to Cena who sells it like a light hit before rolling to the floor. Punk sets up Truth for a 619, but Punk comes from behind with the GTS. Rey goes escapes with a head scissors into the 619. Punk bounces back into a sharp punch from Hart who puts him into the sharpshooter. This would have only made sense if Bret did this to R-Truth. Rey slingshots into a guillotine leg drop on Punk to knock him out and Bret counts the three.

Winners: Cena & Rey

Highlight of the Night: Not much to write home about this week. Everything was lackluster.

Lowlight of the Night:Kane & Big Show have a horrendously bad match.

WWE "Creative" Award: Who the fuck thought Kharma crying like a little baby was a good idea?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).