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WWE
RAW RANT:
(05/17/10)
By Cameron Burge

Tonight’s show is hosted by one of the first men to have the dream. The dream that we would one day walk on the moon as he declared that one of these days “Boom! Straight to the moon!”…..What do you mean it isn’t Jackie Gleeson? In case you care, my birthday is in two day and usually I take this week off, but I’m SACRIFICING for YOU the reader! That’s right, both of you. Hi mom.

Raw 05.17.10

The show opens with the promise of a Cena/Sheamus match and I am cringing. Oh, and Bret Hart. You’d think he was from Canada or something judging by the reaction. He comes out to tell us he accepted the match with Miz but after thinking about it, he doesn’t want to be one of those old wrestlers who hangs on too long and will not be wrestling tonight. The crowd shits on this pretty hard but pops equally as hard as Jericho arrives to ask why Bret even bothered to come back to the WWE. Money, duh. He points out that Bret is already an old hanger-on and a hypocrite because he doesn’t care about closure because he’s actually just a shameless, ego-driven phony. Like George Bush. HIYOOOO! Jericho says he’ll be remembered for backing out of the match and his father would be ashamed. He decides to accept and Jericho says Bret will DQ himself to say he tried and get out of it so he talks Bret into letting it b a No DQ match. Oh good, they don’t have to
wrestle that means everyone else can do the work and he can swing a chair still I assume.

We learn we have Pick Your Poison tonight between Edge and Orton where they pick each other’s opponents. Apparently we are still commercial free (not Canada), but they decide to do a commercial segment of their own instead with a parody of those rhetorical question commercials for auto-insurance. It wasn’t that good. Charlie Daniels is more awesome. Edge arrives and talks about how Orton can’t scare him by beating up celebrities and Vickie when he is interrupted by Christian’s theme.

Edge vs. Christian

King points out so far tonight has been All-Canada. They tie up and Christian forces Edge into the corner before firing up the cloud with some claps. Christian wins a second tie up with Edge and leaves him grounded. There’s some cheers for both guys here as Edge finally takes control with headlock. Christian leap frogs an Irish whip and picks up one count off a clothesline. Edge bitchslaps Christian and runs as Christian chases him around the ring. He of course gets hit by a cheap shot back in the ring. Back on their feet, Christian nails some short uppercuts to Edge and leaves him hanging on the ropes for the standing choke. Edge blocks the uppercut from the floor but Christian dodges the baseballs slide by slipping into the ring. Christian hits his own dropkick through the ropes and suicide dives.

Edge takes Christian out on the floor by slamming him into the wall and goes for the count out win but Christian climbs back in with a second left. Edge starts to work the shoulder over back in the ring but Christian fights back with some strikes only to eat a shoulder block. Edge stomps Christian down and lands an elbow drop or two. A chant starts but goddamn Canadians are so incoherent I can’t understand their crazy moon-speak. Christian rolls through an arm hold into a headlock but Edge counters into a hammerlock. Back on their feet, Christian goes for a reverse DDT but is forced to the corner. Christian dodges a corner charge to get his flip over kick in the corner, but Edge drops him. I think it’s funny Edge supposedly knows these signature moves so well despite as far as I know he never used them when they were a team ever.

They fight back into the corner and Christian gains the advantage but is cut off going up top. Edge goes for a superplex but Christian bocks and counters with the tornado DDT for two. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Edge counters only to get set up for the uppercut from the floor instead. Edge gets hung up on the top rope and Edge climbs up top. Edge dodges whatever he was going for and scoops up with he Edge-u-cution DDT but it only gets two. Christian dodges a running kick with a roll up but it’s two as well. Christian misses a punch and gets the donkey punch from behind. That’s only for a third date, dude. Christian stumbles up into a spear, but he counters with a kick and leaps from the turnbuckle into a sunset flip for two again. Edge drops Christian with an arm wrench to the worked over shoulder. Edge sets up for another spear but it’s another dodge in the corner and the flip over kick hits. Flying elbow drop follows up and Christian
goes for the Killswitch but Edge counters and tosses him shoulder-first to the ring post to bounce out into the spear for three.
Winner: Edge

Amazing match to put it simply. Orton appears to say the only thing he can’t figure out is why Christian is there, because that’s not who he picked to fight Edge tonight as we get a gong. Okay, I admit it, that was pretty bad ass.

Edge vs. The Undertaker

The bell rings and Edge refuses to get in the ring. He doesn’t want to get in as Taker stalks back and forth. Edge drops from the apron and nine and just gets counted out. I take back what I said about bad ass. Bullshit.
Winner: Undertaker

The ref does hilariously run away from Taker when he calls for the bell. Christian tosses Edge into the ring and Edge eats a choke slam. There’s a TOTALLY not commercial from more WWE stuff as we go to Maryse pissed that Trish is considered a celebrity here, complaining to her stylist. She points out she is French Canadian which is worse somehow. Also Eve beats her ass. Buzz is in he back when Vickie shows off. He tells her how nice it is she came to his office. She says it’s hers. He points out she resigned and she says it was a mistake. He says he checked with “WWF….E…headquarters” and her replacement will be here next week. We get a replay of Batista assaulting Henry last week before said useless fat guy shows up with some taping on his shoulder. Batista jumps him from behind with a 2x4 and slams him into the ring steps. He then poses with his spotlight in the ring.

And now a word from out sponsors of Ted Dibiase doing a master card parody about getting slapped and how much his crap costs. Anyway he’ll be fighting Truth at the PPV but as he arrives now he has the real Virgil with him who I think may have eaten Ted Dibiase Sr.

Ted Dibiase w/ Virgil vs. Yoshi Tatsu

I like how King mentions being curious is Virgil was even alive. Very couth. Yoshi starts off with some quick offense but Ted takes control, catching him out of a corner flip over on his shoulders. He lays Tatsu out with a gut buster and a suplex toss leaves him hanging on the ropes for a two count. Ted decides wrestling moves are for chumps and decides to work a headlock for a bit. Tatsu fights out and blocks a corner charge with elbows and kicks. A wheel kick knocks Dibiase down. Tatsu delivers some quick strikes, a dropkick to the chest in the corner and a roll through into a kick for two. A Big standing kick is ducked by Dibiase straight into Dream Street for the three.
Winner: Dibiase

Dibaise orders Virgil to go get a microphone and his belt for him before telling us the original Virgil wasn’t ashamed to be the new one. Probably because he hasn’t been paid since he was, I would guess. The Miz is approached in the back but just takes the microphone and cuts a pretty good heel promo as he walks through the back about how he will get to annihilate a former champion, legend and national hero all in one victory with his match. He builds up some great heel heat on his way to the ring before we get Bret himself. I find it interesting how everyone keeps says Bret The Hitman Hart instead of just Bret Hart, as if he’s a Tribe Called Quest and you’ve got to say he whole thing.

US Champion The Miz vs. Bret Hart (US title Match)

As the match starts, Miz grabs a microphone and says he paid a couple of guys to neutralize the Hart Dynasty when they inevitably show up. Vlad and Regal. Um, he does realize they lost their match to the Dynasty, right? The Dynasty jumps them from the crowd and they start to braw.Tyson gets amusingly wrecked by Regal while Kozlov gets his ass kicked. Jericho then slips into the ring with Miz to corner Bret. Quick! Call Natalya! Oh wait, they did. I was just joke, guys. She decides to face off with Jericho and slaps him flat. A little over-selling. Bret blocks a shot from Miz on her and knocks him down but Jericho attacks from behind. Where did Natalya go? Worthless, bitch. David Hart Smith attacks Jericho from behind and send shim to the floor but Miz knocks him out with a sloppy right that apparently kills him DEAD on the floor. I don’t know how. Maybe he just got a whiff of his breath.

Miz goes to finish Bret off with the sharpshooter but Tyson delivers a missile dropkick from the top rope and the Hart Attack is hit on Miz. They leave the ring and Hart puts on the sharpshooter and Miz taps. He still puts that move on cleaner than anyone else I’ve ever seen before or since.
Winner: Hart

Huh. Not the way you would think Miz would lose the belt. Cole hilariously goes on a heel announcer shtick of complaining Bret hasn’t won a match without help yet and so this victory isn’t right. He has a point but comes off like a douche because of it. We get a wrestle mania commercial. I hate to tell you guys, but just because they are commercials for your own stuff, doesn’t mean the it’s commercial-free. Cole is still bitching when we come back before we get a replay of the issue between Sheamus and Cena. And now we get a Santino commercial in which he spits goat urine in a diva’s face. Would have happened in a porno if he didn’t.

Laycool come out with Women’s titles each. Um, I’m confused. Apparently, they both get titles because they one a handicap title match. Smackdown is fucking terrible. Why is Vickie on both shows? Maryse is going to team up with them and we get a threat of another Eve/Maryse match at the PPV. Maybe they’ll complete a move this time? The Bellas are teaming with Eve. Oh God, it’s like a suck vortex.

The Bella Twins & Eve Torres vs. Lay Cool & Maryse

Everyone just dives into the center with Maryse and eve until Layla starts us off with Eve. They shove each other and Layla works a headlock. Eve no sells a shoulder block and bombs a clothesline. Layla pins her with a quick flip over and Eve delivers an…was that an Angle Slam? Eve drops Layla with a neck breaker and picks up two. Eve carries Layla to the corner for one of the Bellas to tag in. Brie gets rolled up for two and Layla commences to kicking her ass. Michelle boots Brie in the face on he apron while the ref is distracted and Michelle tags in. Michelle rams her into the ring wall and drops some knees on Brie in the midsection. Layla is back in and slams her down by the hair before trying a leg drop. I could get behind Layla if she wouldn’t fucking scream during every move. Nickie and Michelle tag in with Michelle eating a dropkick and wrap around clothesline. Nickie does some sloppy as hell dropkicks and a monkey flip. The crowd is so
dead, it’s kind of funny because this si the best women’s match we’ve had on Raw in over a year. That’s not saying much, I know. Maryse tags herself in before Nickie can be finished off to deliver the French Kiss for the win.
Winners: Heels

Another cat fight after the match of course. I can hear people yelling to get the divas out of the ring. Josh Matthews interviews Cena about Cena’s odd decisions lately. I used this as a commercial break and when I return Cena is still talking, giving some kind of Rally the Base promo that is frankly, kind of lame. Is he running for fucking president? Geez.

Randy Orton is out afterward for his match and the opponent we get is Jack Swagger. We get a pimp for a new USA show that is just about a pretty chick being a CIA agent. It’s quite possibly he dumbest reason to make a show. Like Grey’s Anatomy. I miss people stealing Subway sandwiches.

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton (Non-title Match)

Swagger outwrestles Orton right from the start. He was a Scrabble champion? What the hell kind of competition is that? Swagger loses the second tie up and is grounded. He escape as RKO chants build. Swagger forces Orton to the corner and starts hammering the back. Orton cuts him off with the inverted backbreaker and starts stomping Swagger on the ground. I love how King reminds Cole to call things vintage Orton these days. Though Cole says he’s saving it for later. Swagger comes back with some mat wrestling and works a headlock. Back on their feet, Orton delivers several clothesline but Swagger dives to the floor to catch Orton off guard and slam him into the table for more RKO chants to build.

Swagger gets caught in he middle rope on the way back in but he counters the DDT into a belly to belly throw. He hits two slingshot splashes out of the corner and Orton takes a walk to the floor. The count out keeps going and Swagger slams Orton off the apron when he tries to get back in. Rather than just win by countout, he decides to go out and work Orton over more by slamming him into the ring apron and picking up a two count back in the ring. Orton fights free of a headlock but a side suplex just grounds Orton again. Swagger signals the splash but Orton springs up and kicks him in the gut as he comes down. Orton runs him down with clotheslines and a power slam. Orton sets up the DDT and this time it hits as he signals the RKO. Edge makes the run in and Orton attacks.
Winner: Orton

Orton goes for an RKO but he’s tossed off and hits it on Swagger instead only to get hit by he spear. We get a rundown of the PPV card for us. I dislike that double-vision effect they use. I feel like I should put on some 3-D glasses. Buzz Aldrin is out next and it’s weird how little the guests hosts spend on the show now. I think Canadians don’t really care when “American Heroes” how up. Bad, timing by the WWE on this one. I’m not completely convinced he isn’t Bob Barker in a different outfit. He talks about “our” space program. Uh….Thankfully before he buries himself too deep, he’s saved by Zack Ryder. Um. Not the best choice either I think. He talks about Canada’s science peaking with the invention of Maple Syrup. Point. Damn Alicia Fox is hot. He implies they staged the moon landing and Buzz replays some footage of a guy who called him a coward and liar who he decked for that. Zack actually flinches from a punch by Buzz
fucking Aldrin. Buzz struggles to introduce Zack and Fox’s opponents, Gail Kim and Evan Bourne.

Evan Bourne & Gail Kim vs. Zack Ryder & Alicia Fox


Zack forces Evan to the corner to yell “Woo Woo Woo” and get dropkicked in the face. Evan hit’s a sunset flip for one. Evan comes back after a slam by Ryder with some kick and another roll up for two. Back up, Evan hit’s a dropkick for two and Kim cuts off Fox with a clothesline. They get stacked up in the corner for the slingshot body slam by Kim on Fox. As she falls out. Evan hit’s a running senton on Ryder. Kim has to kick Ryder off of Fox for blocking a move and he holds the ropes down so Gail dumps herself to the floor. Fox hit’s a northern lights suplex, probably because she’s in Canada. Kim hits a jaw buster and Fox makes the tag.

Evan gets to come in for this and annihilates Ryder with dropkicks. Her runs into an elbow but a leaping knee knocks Ryder flat. Evan goes up top but Alicia drags him out of the way and demands him to bring it. Bourne leaps onto Ryder on the floor and Gail delivers “Ear Da Feet” to Fox for the win. Yes, that’s actually what they call it.
Winners: Bourne & Gail
Buzz Aldrin just moonwalked. Goldust is the star of another car insurance commercial in which he’s a blind date. Awkward indeed. Cena and Sheamus are the main event tonight, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have to tell you that a main event between these two in Canada does not go over well.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Sheamus (Non-Title Match)

Early tie up is won by Sheamus, forcing Cena to the corner and just stomping him down until the ref drags him off to some huge cheers. Cena comes back with rights to big boos and runs Sheamus over with an elbow in the corner. Sheamus is sent to the floor and Cena slams him into he ring steps repeatedly. Cena restarts the count but Sheamus tosses him into the barricade and follows up with a knee to the head. Back in the ring, Sheamus scores a two count. Sheamus continues to slam Cena around until a suplex is countered into Cena’s own suplex. Cena runs him down with a clothesline and sling Sheamus shoulder-first into the ring post. King gets super serious saying Triple H possibly has brain damage from Sheamus. Cena waits for Sheamus to crawl back in as Cena sucks chants build. Sheamus escapes an FU and uses his one arm back breaker to pick up a two count.

Cena comes back with a side slam nd starts pounding on Sheamus with right hands. Cena runs into an elbow in the corner and crawls to the apron. Sheamus nails a running knee to the side of the head that sends Cena to the floor. Cena eats another one when he tries to get back in the ring and the ref admonishes him for…trying to win the match, I guess. Cena powers back in Superman mode, but Cena gets countered out of his bulldog and is sent back to the floor with a baseball slide. Sheamus continues to just casually beat Cena with punches and kicks so slow I’m beginning to wonder if this match is ins low motion. Dueling chants. God people, just because you don’t like Cena, doesn’t mean you should cheer a much much worse piece of shit like Sheamus. Stop being mindlessly against the norm and bother to actually think. Cena comes back with a protobomb and the five knuckle shuffle, but Sheamus grabs the ropes to block the FU. Cena just dumps Sheamus to
the floor with it instead while Batista has been standing behind him the whole time. Somehow the ref hasn’t seen him. Of course, Cena turns into a spine buster.
Winner: Cena

Batista follows with a second spine buster. Batista puts the hold on. It kind of reminds me of the Rings of Saturn. He demands Cena declare he quits. The show just goes off the air while Cena screams.

Highlight of the Night: Edge and Christian hand down stole the show. It’s a shame that had to be the first match.

Lowlight of the Night: The Diva match was just awkward with the total lack of reaction it got. It was painful to watch them trying to bust their asses but getting nothing even though they did pretty well for once.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why the fuck would you give Bret Hart a title? What is coming of that? Nothing.


Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).