WWE
RAW RANT:
(05/10/10)
By Cameron Burge

I would make some kind of clever Flavor Flav joke here but let’s all be honest. Nobody actually remembers him for anything other than his ridiculous jewelry and fucking tard smile. He’s so far past his relevancy that it wouldn’t be funny anymore. In other news, Cena is going to announce his stipulation tonight for really reals this time after being unceremoniously interrupted last week. I’m also quite glad that the tornado watches and warnings have passed by the time Raw came on, or writing this was going to be a real bitch.

Raw 05.10.10

Show opens with a replay of the Cutting Edge and then we are greeted by Randy Orton. He says he didn’t accept Edge’s offer because he knows edge is afraid of him and just wanted to keep him under control. He’s interrupted by Meatloaf. I um…I have no idea why. Remember that time he was in Spice World? Apparently he wants to give Orton a new theme song written by Bon Jovi. Meat oaf has him hold the album cover and sings the song. The songs don’t go over well with Orton. He finally RKOs him and Edge arrives to point out he must hate celebrities. Edge says he doesn’t like them either and he did something about it and called Global Headquarters to complain. They “tweeted” him back (fucking retard verb) that from here on out guest celebrity hosts will have no authority on Raw. He says that wasn’t enough so he demanded a permanent GM. He reveals our new perma-GM to be Vickie. Oh. W-why…..why the fuck do they keep this character around?
Didn’t they have a horrible break up? The boos here are completely drowning her out at points.

She says she is here to be a true professional despite their relationship and speaking of professionalism, him attacking celebrities is not condoned, but beating up the CEO is ok. WWE once again seems to be confusing good heel heat with X-pac heat as I’m sure everyone just about crapped themselves in anger. Anyway they make a handicap match for Orton against Edge and any partner he wants.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s only called Red Dead because it rhymes, not because it makes sense.

In case you missed it, we get recap of what just happened. Cole calls Vickie the Pepper Pots of Raw, making a retarded Iron Man reference that actually makes no sense. Chris Jericho is then out for a match that if he wins will earn him and Miz and title shot. It is also reviewed that if Miz loses tonight he’ll have to defend his title against a Dynasty member.

Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith w/ Natalya Neidhart

Smith starts off strong with the stalling suplex. Jericho comes back quickly and drops Smith, delivering a running kick to the head while he’s seated. Jericho spends some time just stomping Smith around. A funny image comes up as they advertise next week’s show in Toronto with a big grinning Jericho close up behind it. Smith stops Jericho with a power slam but Jericho sets up for the lionsault with a clothesline. The sault misses, but he makes it to his feet only to be dragged down into the Sharpshooter. Smith drags him from the ropes but Jericho makes it to them anyway. Jericho jabs the eyes when the ref isn’t looking and finishes things off with the Code Breaker.
Winner: Jericho

The tag team title match will be at the next PPV it seems. Edge is spotted in the back talking to Batista who appears to be dressed to repel from the ceiling of a museum and steal the Mona Lisa.

Random Commercial Thought: There was a live action Josie and the Pussycats movie?

Back to the show where R-Truth leads the charge for Flavor Flav as they duet on that stupid fucking song. Bad Romance makes more sense than this. God it’s still going. Is Flav dancing or having nerve twitches? I’ve only heard Flavor talking for like forty five seconds now while he introduces himself and I already want to kill myself. Stop pimping his crappy new Tales from the Crypt/Twilight Zone rip off show. Apparently R-Truth is gonna fight Regal who quietly sneaks into the ring since he’s obviously about to get slaughtered.

R-Truth vs. William Regal

Truth flips over Regal in the corner and back flips before delivering a side drop kick. The Colons then jump Truth as it seems Flavor is on the mic. Help me. It seems they reunited on Superstars and Primo became evil.
Winner: Uh, no bell, but I guess Truth wins.

They then are revealed to be in the employ of Ted Dibiase who hands off some cash at the top of the ring apron in his suit with his nice new belt. I guess Truth don’t play dat didn’t go over so well.

Random Commercial Thought: Candy is not a threat.

Back to the show where we get a video package about Eve and how awesome she is. They say she has a Judo background but I haven’t seen her show much of any talent in anything. We then see that earlier in the day Maryse trained with her own instructor in the ring and failed some simple take downs so he told her to try harder. Apparently he couldn’t defend himself against simple slaps and a kick to the knee. In the back, Orton says he would love for Vickie to come to the ring for his match so he can give her a night she would never forget. Maybe he means sex?

Random Commercial Thought: I’d still like to know why the angels look more like demons.

Back to the show which will be hosted by Buzz Aldrin next week, commercial free. And by commercial free we mean we’ll put hordes of cheap plugs in like last time. Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are at ringside again because Zack got them out here again and starts to remark how hot Alicia is. I agree, but that’s beside the point. He demands his opponent and it’s Evan Bourne. Oh, he stands a chance here.

Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder

God I can’t get over how gay he looks in those tights. Zack starts off by just brutalizing Bourne with blows until Bourne comes back with a quick head scissors and slams himself into Ryder in the corner for two. Evan tries to get Air Bourne but Zack blocks and catches him with the Roughrider but only gets two. Ryder delivers a neck breaker for another two. Ryder starts to slam Bourne into the turnbuckle and choke him out on the ropes but a return trip is blocked with a kick. Bourne dodges a corner charge and delivers a running senton to the corner before going up top for Air Bourne. Kim stops Alicia Fox from blocking and Ryder eats it.
Winner: Bourne

Kim leaves with Bourne. Don’t hit that, Evan. Henry was in there last week, the stench never washes off. We get a replay of Cena winning his Beat the Clock then getting jumped by Sheamus.

Random Commercial Thought: Persia has no king.

Back to the show where John Cena arrives to thank Sheamus that he got a whole week to think about his win. He admits he only won the match by intellect. He says he won’t leave an easy way out for their match because it’s going to be brutal, very brutal. ULTRA BRUTAL. He says if Batista wins, he’ll forfeit his rematch clause (thank GOD, I’m tired of this match). He takes long enough to build to it but finally reveals it to be an I Quit match. I’m calling it now, Cena takes a page from the Twilight Zone and cuts out his vocal chords to keep from losing. After all the build up, I would have assumed it would have been something, you know, good. Cena says he would have rushed his decision and made it a different match but since he has two weeks to the match, he would like to thank Sheamus in person. Cue Mighty Whitey. Cena wants a fight so Sheamus accepts but Batista rushes him from behind.

Cena attacks both, but Batista hit’s a spear from behind and Sheamus follows up with a backbreaker. Batista kicks Cena to the floor to slam him into the ring post a few times. Since it makes perfect sense, Mark Henry comes to save the day and beats up Batista. He crushes Batista in the corner with a body slam and boots him to the floor. I can only assume that since Batista got help from the whitest guy on the roster, Cena had to get the blackest. Elsewhere, Vickie is playing with her phone when Edge reveals he found his partner and says he wants to be clear that they are cool now. Edge says he just wanted sympathy from people which is why he talked shit on her. Edge invites her to ringside for his match.

Random Commercial Thought: I want my own nation too.

Tyson Kidd is out with Natalya now to take on Miz for the hope of picking up the US belt.

US Champion The Miz vs. Tyson Kidd w/ Natalya Neidhart (Non-Title Match)

Miz starts off strong but after sending Kidd to the apron, he leaps over the ropes in a sunset flip into the Owen Hart roll up for the three. Hope you didn’t blink.
Winner: Kidd

Miz reveals the stipulation was that he gets to pick which Hart member he defends against. Of course he insinuates it will be Natalya (calling her sweet and innocent, but I‘m pretty sure her man-face and fake boobs say differently); instead he picks Bret. In the back, it turns out Henry now has a match with Batista.

Random Commercial Thought: I think I preferred Robin Hood as a furry.

Back to the show where the NXT rookies are in the ring. Apparently one will be cut next week. Apparently they will take on Yoshi Tatsu, Morrison, Goldust and Santino. Hilariously they all enter in slow motion with wind. I like watching Santino doing his invisible trumpet at a slower framerate.

Rookies vs. Pros (questionable description)

Goldust starts off that big guy whose name I have forgotten and works him over. Tatsu tags in but gets clugged in the gut. Justin Gabriel tags in but Tatsu trades kick strikes. Gabriel almost bombs a flip. Gabriel ducks a kick and hit’s a bit roundhouse kick of his own. He seems poised to take out Yoshi but Tunga tags in. Tatsu flips out of a back slam, but eats a clothesline for two. A grounded clothesline picks up another two count. Tunga goes to a headlock but Tatsu break free and floors him with a discus punch. Slater enters to a huge pop against Morrison. Morrison works him over in the corner and delivers a side dropkick. He has to fight off the rookies that try to run in and tries to dump Slater to the floor. Slater gets the apron and goes for a sunset flip but Morrison rolls through and flattens him with a knee to the face for Starship Pain, but a distraction allows a knee from Slater. Bryan tags in bombs to a back body drop. Santino tags in and
immediately gets caught by a small package.
Winners: Rookies

Everyone seems to be wondering what Santino was doing to lose that one, but this is the guy who was wrestling in the women’s division for a while, are they really surprised?

Random Commercial Thought: I could hope for something better.

We return with a video package about Hardy and Macintyre. I love how Matt delivered his lines with relentless apathy. It all ended with Drew being fired by Teddy Long. Ironic that this last weekend a UFC star was really fired for the same thing as well as Kimbo Slice, but that was just for sucking hard. In the back Flavor talks to the Bellas (both wearing fucking clocks) about his crappy new show. Santino and Vlad are yelling at each other in a language other than English, but I can’t tell what it is. Vlad wants Santino to leave him alone as Santino says they could team, but Ivan points out he loses all the time. But so does Vlad. Regal arrives to tell Vlad to ignore Santino. Regal ends up being challenged to rap. Oh dear god, he’s actually doing it. It was actually pretty funny to be honest.

Afterward, we run down the Over the Limit card and Batista heads out to the ring. I am quaking at the mere thought of a Batista/Henry match actually. Lord, let it be mercifully quick.

Random Commercial Thought: Did they just throw that megaphone half-way across the world?

Back to the show. Batista spent the entire break sitting in a chair in the middle of the ring. Sheamus and Cena are banned from ringside it seems. Henry is baffled it seems on his way to the ring and shaking his head, goes to get inside. Batista spring to life, booting him in the side of the head before predictably beating the shit out Henry with a chair. He puts some odd submission hold on Henry and demands he quit until Henry passes out. Batista seems proud of himself as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve shit out better ideas.

Back to the show where Edge and Orton are out for their match, the partner revealed to be Ted Dibiase.

Edge & Ted Dibiase w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Randy Orton

Dibiase starts out and Orton immediately shows him our to really do a headlock. Orton takes control with a clothesline and starts stomping Ted around until he bombs a back body drop. Orton thinks he has Ted, only for Edge to have blind tagged in and an Edge O Matic puts him down. Edge chokes Orton out for a moment. Edge and Ted take turns stomping on Orton in the corner and distracting the ref. Edge eventually comes back in and taunts over Orton. Orton blocks a suplex but Edge trips him up and picks up two anyway. Dibiase tags back in and Orton fires up on him only for Dibiase to cut him off with a clothesline for two.

Orton powers back and knocks Edge to the floor while clothes lining Dibiase. Edge is sent flying into the announce table when he gets back on the apron. Dibiase tries to attack from behind but is caught by the backbreaker. Orton signals an RKO. Dibiase blocks but gets chucked to the floor where R-Truth arrives to chase him back into the ring and an RKO.
Winner: Orton

Orton stares down Vickie and slithers around the ring for a bit before making a slow advance. Vickie warns him to hold off or be fired. She decides to Resign and Orton RKOs Edge which allows her to make a run for it. Oh thank god.

Highlight of the Night: Vickie Resigns, and the universe sighs.

Lowlight of the Night: Too many non-finishes.

WWE “Creative” Award: It makes little sense to do a storyline about there being no more hosts while advertising next week’s host.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.