I would make some kind of
clever Flavor Flav joke here but let’s all be
honest. Nobody actually remembers him for anything
other than his ridiculous jewelry and fucking tard
smile. He’s so far past his relevancy that it
wouldn’t be funny anymore. In other news, Cena is
going to announce his stipulation tonight for really
reals this time after being unceremoniously
interrupted last week. I’m also quite glad that the
tornado watches and warnings have passed by the time
Raw came on, or writing this was going to be a real
Show opens with a
replay of the Cutting Edge and then we are greeted
by Randy Orton. He says he didn’t accept Edge’s
offer because he knows edge is afraid of him and
just wanted to keep him under control. He’s
interrupted by Meatloaf. I um…I have no idea why.
Remember that time he was in Spice World? Apparently
he wants to give Orton a new theme song written by
Bon Jovi. Meat oaf has him hold the album cover and
sings the song. The songs don’t go over well with
Orton. He finally RKOs him and Edge arrives to point
out he must hate celebrities. Edge says he doesn’t
like them either and he did something about it and
called Global Headquarters to complain. They
“tweeted” him back (fucking retard verb) that from
here on out guest celebrity hosts will have no
authority on Raw. He says that wasn’t enough so he
demanded a permanent GM. He reveals our new perma-GM
to be Vickie. Oh. W-why…..why the fuck do they keep
this character around?
Didn’t they have a
horrible break up? The boos here are completely
drowning her out at points.
She says she is here to be a true professional
despite their relationship and speaking of
professionalism, him attacking celebrities is not
condoned, but beating up the CEO is ok. WWE once
again seems to be confusing good heel heat with
X-pac heat as I’m sure everyone just about crapped
themselves in anger. Anyway they make a handicap
match for Orton against Edge and any partner he
Random Commercial Thought: It’s only
called Red Dead because it rhymes, not because it
In case you missed it, we get
recap of what just happened. Cole calls Vickie the
Pepper Pots of Raw, making a retarded Iron Man
reference that actually makes no sense. Chris
Jericho is then out for a match that if he wins will
earn him and Miz and title shot. It is also reviewed
that if Miz loses tonight he’ll have to defend his
title against a Dynasty member.
Chris Jericho vs. David Hart Smith w/ Natalya
Smith starts off strong with
the stalling suplex. Jericho comes back quickly and
drops Smith, delivering a running kick to the head
while he’s seated. Jericho spends some time just
stomping Smith around. A funny image comes up as
they advertise next week’s show in Toronto with a
big grinning Jericho close up behind it. Smith stops
Jericho with a power slam but Jericho sets up for
the lionsault with a clothesline. The sault misses,
but he makes it to his feet only to be dragged down
into the Sharpshooter. Smith drags him from the
ropes but Jericho makes it to them anyway. Jericho
jabs the eyes when the ref isn’t looking and
finishes things off with the Code Breaker.
The tag team title match will
be at the next PPV it seems. Edge is spotted in the
back talking to Batista who appears to be dressed to
repel from the ceiling of a museum and steal the
Random Commercial Thought: There was a live
action Josie and the Pussycats movie?
the show where R-Truth leads the charge for Flavor
Flav as they duet on that stupid fucking song. Bad
Romance makes more sense than this. God it’s still
going. Is Flav dancing or having nerve twitches?
I’ve only heard Flavor talking for like forty five
seconds now while he introduces himself and I
already want to kill myself. Stop pimping his crappy
new Tales from the Crypt/Twilight Zone rip off show.
Apparently R-Truth is gonna fight Regal who quietly
sneaks into the ring since he’s obviously about to
R-Truth vs. William Regal
Truth flips over Regal in the corner and back flips
before delivering a side drop kick. The Colons then
jump Truth as it seems Flavor is on the mic. Help
me. It seems they reunited on Superstars and Primo
Winner: Uh, no bell, but I guess
They then are revealed to be in
the employ of Ted Dibiase who hands off some cash at
the top of the ring apron in his suit with his nice
new belt. I guess Truth don’t play dat didn’t go
over so well.
Random Commercial Thought:
Candy is not a threat.
Back to the show where
we get a video package about Eve and how awesome she
is. They say she has a Judo background but I haven’t
seen her show much of any talent in anything. We
then see that earlier in the day Maryse trained with
her own instructor in the ring and failed some
simple take downs so he told her to try harder.
Apparently he couldn’t defend himself against simple
slaps and a kick to the knee. In the back, Orton
says he would love for Vickie to come to the ring
for his match so he can give her a night she would
never forget. Maybe he means sex?
Commercial Thought: I’d still like to know why the
angels look more like demons.
Back to the
show which will be hosted by Buzz Aldrin next week,
commercial free. And by commercial free we mean
we’ll put hordes of cheap plugs in like last time.
Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are at ringside again
because Zack got them out here again and starts to
remark how hot Alicia is. I agree, but that’s beside
the point. He demands his opponent and it’s Evan
Bourne. Oh, he stands a chance here.
Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder
God I can’t
get over how gay he looks in those tights. Zack
starts off by just brutalizing Bourne with blows
until Bourne comes back with a quick head scissors
and slams himself into Ryder in the corner for two.
Evan tries to get Air Bourne but Zack blocks and
catches him with the Roughrider but only gets two.
Ryder delivers a neck breaker for another two. Ryder
starts to slam Bourne into the turnbuckle and choke
him out on the ropes but a return trip is blocked
with a kick. Bourne dodges a corner charge and
delivers a running senton to the corner before going
up top for Air Bourne. Kim stops Alicia Fox from
blocking and Ryder eats it.
Kim leaves with Bourne. Don’t hit that, Evan. Henry
was in there last week, the stench never washes off.
We get a replay of Cena winning his Beat the Clock
then getting jumped by Sheamus.
Commercial Thought: Persia has no king.
to the show where John Cena arrives to thank Sheamus
that he got a whole week to think about his win. He
admits he only won the match by intellect. He says
he won’t leave an easy way out for their match
because it’s going to be brutal, very brutal. ULTRA
BRUTAL. He says if Batista wins, he’ll forfeit his
rematch clause (thank GOD, I’m tired of this match).
He takes long enough to build to it but finally
reveals it to be an I Quit match. I’m calling it
now, Cena takes a page from the Twilight Zone and
cuts out his vocal chords to keep from losing. After
all the build up, I would have assumed it would have
been something, you know, good. Cena says he would
have rushed his decision and made it a different
match but since he has two weeks to the match, he
would like to thank Sheamus in person. Cue Mighty
Whitey. Cena wants a fight so Sheamus accepts but
Batista rushes him from behind.
both, but Batista hit’s a spear from behind and
Sheamus follows up with a backbreaker. Batista kicks
Cena to the floor to slam him into the ring post a
few times. Since it makes perfect sense, Mark Henry
comes to save the day and beats up Batista. He
crushes Batista in the corner with a body slam and
boots him to the floor. I can only assume that since
Batista got help from the whitest guy on the roster,
Cena had to get the blackest. Elsewhere, Vickie is
playing with her phone when Edge reveals he found
his partner and says he wants to be clear that they
are cool now. Edge says he just wanted sympathy from
people which is why he talked shit on her. Edge
invites her to ringside for his match.
Commercial Thought: I want my own nation too.
Tyson Kidd is out with Natalya now to take on Miz
for the hope of picking up the US belt.
US Champion The Miz vs. Tyson
Kidd w/ Natalya Neidhart (Non-Title Match)
Miz starts off strong but after sending Kidd to the
apron, he leaps over the ropes in a sunset flip into
the Owen Hart roll up for the three. Hope you didn’t
Miz reveals the
stipulation was that he gets to pick which Hart
member he defends against. Of course he insinuates
it will be Natalya (calling her sweet and innocent,
but I‘m pretty sure her man-face and fake boobs say
differently); instead he picks Bret. In the back, it
turns out Henry now has a match with Batista.
Random Commercial Thought: I think I preferred Robin
Hood as a furry.
Back to the show where the
NXT rookies are in the ring. Apparently one will be
cut next week. Apparently they will take on Yoshi
Tatsu, Morrison, Goldust and Santino. Hilariously
they all enter in slow motion with wind. I like
watching Santino doing his invisible trumpet at a
Rookies vs. Pros (questionable description)
Goldust starts off that big guy whose name I have
forgotten and works him over. Tatsu tags in but gets
clugged in the gut. Justin Gabriel tags in but Tatsu
trades kick strikes. Gabriel almost bombs a flip.
Gabriel ducks a kick and hit’s a bit roundhouse kick
of his own. He seems poised to take out Yoshi but
Tunga tags in. Tatsu flips out of a back slam, but
eats a clothesline for two. A grounded clothesline
picks up another two count. Tunga goes to a headlock
but Tatsu break free and floors him with a discus
punch. Slater enters to a huge pop against Morrison.
Morrison works him over in the corner and delivers a
side dropkick. He has to fight off the rookies that
try to run in and tries to dump Slater to the floor.
Slater gets the apron and goes for a sunset flip but
Morrison rolls through and flattens him with a knee
to the face for Starship Pain, but a distraction
allows a knee from Slater. Bryan tags in bombs to a
back body drop. Santino tags in and
gets caught by a small package.
Everyone seems to be wondering what Santino was
doing to lose that one, but this is the guy who was
wrestling in the women’s division for a while, are
they really surprised?
Thought: I could hope for something better.
We return with a video package about Hardy and
Macintyre. I love how Matt delivered his lines with
relentless apathy. It all ended with Drew being
fired by Teddy Long. Ironic that this last weekend a
UFC star was really fired for the same thing as well
as Kimbo Slice, but that was just for sucking hard.
In the back Flavor talks to the Bellas (both wearing
fucking clocks) about his crappy new show. Santino
and Vlad are yelling at each other in a language
other than English, but I can’t tell what it is.
Vlad wants Santino to leave him alone as Santino
says they could team, but Ivan points out he loses
all the time. But so does Vlad. Regal arrives to
tell Vlad to ignore Santino. Regal ends up being
challenged to rap. Oh dear god, he’s actually doing
it. It was actually pretty funny to be honest.
Afterward, we run down the Over the Limit card and
Batista heads out to the ring. I am quaking at the
mere thought of a Batista/Henry match actually.
Lord, let it be mercifully quick.
Commercial Thought: Did they just throw that
megaphone half-way across the world?
the show. Batista spent the entire break sitting in
a chair in the middle of the ring. Sheamus and Cena
are banned from ringside it seems. Henry is baffled
it seems on his way to the ring and shaking his
head, goes to get inside. Batista spring to life,
booting him in the side of the head before
predictably beating the shit out Henry with a chair.
He puts some odd submission hold on Henry and
demands he quit until Henry passes out. Batista
seems proud of himself as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve shit out better
Back to the show where Edge and Orton
are out for their match, the partner revealed to be
& Ted Dibiase w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Randy Orton
Dibiase starts out and Orton immediately shows him
our to really do a headlock. Orton takes control
with a clothesline and starts stomping Ted around
until he bombs a back body drop. Orton thinks he has
Ted, only for Edge to have blind tagged in and an
Edge O Matic puts him down. Edge chokes Orton out
for a moment. Edge and Ted take turns stomping on
Orton in the corner and distracting the ref. Edge
eventually comes back in and taunts over Orton.
Orton blocks a suplex but Edge trips him up and
picks up two anyway. Dibiase tags back in and Orton
fires up on him only for Dibiase to cut him off with
a clothesline for two.
Orton powers back and
knocks Edge to the floor while clothes lining
Dibiase. Edge is sent flying into the announce table
when he gets back on the apron. Dibiase tries to
attack from behind but is caught by the backbreaker.
Orton signals an RKO. Dibiase blocks but gets
chucked to the floor where R-Truth arrives to chase
him back into the ring and an RKO.
Orton stares down Vickie and slithers around the
ring for a bit before making a slow advance. Vickie
warns him to hold off or be fired. She decides to
Resign and Orton RKOs Edge which allows her to make
a run for it. Oh thank god.
Highlight of the Night: Vickie Resigns, and
the universe sighs.
Lowlight of the Night: Too many non-finishes.
WWE “Creative” Award: It
makes little sense to do a storyline about there
being no more hosts while advertising next week’s