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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

May 9, 2011


Iím sure you all know about Christian/Orton by now. Some of you may even know that ratings for Smackdown his week were down heavily, most likely as a direct result. Iím sure this will be blamed on Christian not being a big draw, as opposed to people hearing about the change and being so pissed they refused to watch the show. In other news more relevant to us, John Morrison is on the shelf with an injury for a while. There will be an announcement of the challenger for Cenaís belt tonight, most likely it will either be another Miz match or Alberto will take over. Iíve heard rumors Cena might go heel at the end of this year in preparation for Wrestlemania, but Iíll believe that when I see it.

Raw 05.09.11

Show opens with Alberto Del Rio in mid entrance introduction. Alberto manages to not celebrate that he wasnít the guy who got his ass crushed by Orton this week. He says Edge delayed his destiny and goes on to complain about why we wasted so much time with the Rock. I wanted to know the same fucking thing! He declares himself the new number one contender which is then responded to by Rey Mysterio. Iím fondling the mute button on my remote while the announcers bicker tonight. Does Reyís mask really say ďRAWĒ on the back? Thatís fucking lame. Rey says Albertoís destiny may be to become Ricardoís personal ring announcer instead of champion. Rey challenges him to a match for the number one spot. Alberto is about to respond when heís interrupted by The Miz with Alex Riley in tow.

Miz milks his ďReally?Ē gag with crowd responses for a bit before reminding everybody without Teddy Long here to fuck things up, this is his show. He says if it wasnít for Rileyís retardation, he would still be champion right now. Itís not his fault. Riley was a top wrestler in FCW and is therefore a bumbling doofus on Raw. Alberto says Miz failed to get the job done and should go to the back of the line. Miz points out he did win and the ref reversed the decision like an asshole. He says he used that belt by instinct before Cena could and he wants a legitimate rematchÖand this hilariously got a big pop. He then gets another big pop by saying for all he cares Rey and Alberto can duke it out in the Taco Bell parking lot. They are then interrupted by R-Truth who apparently has no theme music, just the line ďThe Truth has set me free!Ē

Truth says he hates hospital food. Uh. Me too. I also hate old people and my neighborís dogs. This of course segues into John Morrison being in the hospital having to eat that shit right now. We get a replay of Morrison getting annihilated. Truth says he doesnít have any problem making sure the rest of them are hooked up to the same IV. I donít think that is proper hospital procedure. Truth insults each of them in a row and spits in their faces while he talks. Truth hilariously says ďWhen an angry black man is talking, you all need to shut it up.Ē Haha. Truth says he isnít waiting in line now and he will kick your cat if you kick his dog and the only person going to face Cena is him. The GM decides to finally step in here. The GM says only three of the people in there deserve a title shot and will be in a triple threat match for the shot. Miz gets a free pass and Alberto gets in for being the biggest draft pick. The GM actually has to e-mail again because he apparently hit enter too soon (they actually said this). Rey gets the third slot for scoring a win last week and Truth gets them crazy eyes.

Truth wants to know why heís being pushed out again. He says heís better than every last one of them, especially ReyÖare they making out? Rey says he agrees with the GM for once, since theyíve had so many dealing before. Rey says thatís whatís up and the truth, blah blah. Truth gets some of them crazy African looks before just backing out of the ring like somebody is playing his entrance in reverse. He pauses half way down and starts looking around wildly. This actually leads to nothing and makes me wonder why they bothered to linger on him so long. Miz starts in and Alex Riley and Rodriguez actually end up trading blows. Alberto joins the fight and sends Miz and Riley to the floor, but is soon hit by a cross body from Mysterio who proceeds to celebrate.

Why did that take twenty minutes?

Random Commercial Thought: What did I do to deserve this? We return to a replay of Kharmaís destruction of Maryse last week. The Bellas are in the ring to take on Eve and Kelly Kelly. Did Eve get even shittier new music? Did Kelly Kelly get some in ring talent?

The Bellas vs. Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres

Oh, I havenít missed this. Kelly Kelly hits her screaming head scissors on Nikki. She then proceeds to slap her in the ass do a handspring senton worse than Snooki. He follows up with a bulldog and Brie tries to pull Nikki free of the cover. Kelly fights her off but gets put into a small package. Kelly reverse it for the three. Bland as shit on a log.

Winners: Faces

Kharma of course appears right after as Eve wonders why she even bothered to show up tonight. The Bellas get down on the ground and hide behind the ring since they seem to have put two and two together to realize she only ever attacks heels so far. They proceed to sneak around her and runs to the back. Kharma watches them off before getting in the ring. Kelly proceeds to cry like a bitch in the corner and run from the ring. Eve charges Kharma from behind and gets flattened with one punch before Kharma shows surprising agility by slithering out of the ring to scare Kelly off. Kharma returns to the ring to deliver her finisher to Eve. Purportedly, Vince is very impressed with Kharma, which may be because he thought she was Mark Henry..

Random Commercial Thought: When Iím hungry, I turn into somebody awesome until somebody gives me a Snickers and god help the man that does.

Back to the show. Batista is heading out to the ring. Yes, I mean Mason Ryan. I expect heíll be a face soon, since heís so obviouslyÖuhÖlikeable? Anyone else notice Kane and Big Show look like total chumps now? Is it a curse that whoever is tag team champions need to get their shit kicked every week?

Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk w/o Any Credibility vs. Kane w/ Big Show



I just saw this match last week, guys. Mason Ryan overpowers Kane early who unwinds back out of the corner on him with big huge punches until he is pummeling Ryan in the corner. The ref pulls him off and Ryan charges out with a huge clothesline and chokes Kane out on the ropes. Ryan seems to botch a running power slam and practically drops Kane right on his bald head. Kane comes back with a short uppercut and dropkicks the knee out before delivering another dropkick to a seated Ryan for two. Kane catches Ryan through the ropes with a kick and gets his knee clipped by CM Punk. Kane drops Ryan with a big boot and Show decks Punk with a big right hand. Ryan is sent to the floor and Otunga and Mike charge the ring.

Winner: Kane

Show and Kane easily fend them off to the floor. Show gets a huge pop for this. Ryan tries to catch them from behind, but they deliver a double choke slam to Ryan before celebrating in the ring. Itís kind of hard to find this believable when Ezekiel Jackson out immobilized them both to a victory on Smackdown.

Random Commercial Thought: Some of these commercials seem to be custom designed to suck as hard as they possibly can.

We return to Dolph Ziggler match against Santino. Remember when Ziggler was a champion?Öfor twenty minutes?

Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Santino Marella

Dolph starts off strong while Santino gets a pretty good following behind him. Dolph tries to pick up an early two count and taunts Santino with light hits and kicks to the head. Santino suddenly springs up and delivers some heavy blows to Dolph. He fires up the Cobra, but Ziggler drops him with a dropkick and follows things up with the Zig Zag for the win.

Winner: Ziggler

Random Commercial Thought: Is Orton champion to promote this shitty movie?

Oh great, they replay what happened on Smackdown. Iím going to go do something else. This still annoys me. You know, I donít have that much else to say on the subject when so much has been said. I just want to say that sometimes, you just want to see the guys you like, those who truly deserve it, should be allowed to be on top for just a while. Also they sell it as a five day break, which is stupid because every retard knows the show is taped.

Truth is seen talking to himself in the back when he is approached to say itís a conspiracy against him. He says he isnít being taken seriously because of the goofiness he used to have. He says heís going to take out the competition on his own terms. Truth has been doing a good job of selling his new heel persona and I have to say Iím enjoying the hell out of it, if only it will be leading to some good matches as soon as possible.

Random Commercial Thought: Iím going to install a fire pole in my house too. I pan to put a giant pile of stripper at the bottomÖto umÖcushion the fall?

Back to the show. Speaking of bullshit title matches, we see a replay of last week Miz/Cena decision. I still donít see how the referee could reverse a decision because someone had a belt after the match was already over. Riley tries to apologize to Miz in the back. Miz isnít buying any of his shit. Riley swears he will make it up to him and stomps out through the halls while Cole reminds us Riley is to blame for what happened. We see him walking through the back so much that Iím left to assume he is auditioning for a no cars remake of Manos: Hands of Fate. He eventually arrives to the ring while the announcers are all crying like girls at each other.

Riley proceeds to challenge John Cena to a match. This hasnít worked out well in the past, Chuckles. He says he is just a poor apprentice and canít do any harm before chucking the microphone. Cena finally responds.

Alex Riley vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-Title Match)

Riley tries to wrestle him and just gets chucked away by Cena.. Cena takes him down hard again and then catches a kick from Riley before delivering a hip toss. The girls pop for everything he does. Cena misses a follow up shot and eats a flying clothesline from Riley for a two count. Riley starts pummeling at Cena hard and gets another two before kicking Cena hard. Riley delivers a side suplex for two as everyone seems confused that this is happening. Riley works a headlock, but Cena powers himself out. Riley falls prey to the typical Cena offense. Riley proceeds to stumble up for the shuffle into the FU as Miz comes out. Cena pauses then finishes the FU before just standing over Riley and scooping hi up for another. Cena proceeds to lock on the STF for the hell of it.

Winner: Cena

Apparently Cena gets to pick the stipulation of his match with whoever wins the main event tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: You too can own Wrestlemania and watch the one match.

Over the Limit sounds like a terrible video game. Cole has an important announcement tonight, as Joey Style told me he would. I didnít care then, and I still donít care. He announces his retirement since he canít possibly get any better than he already is. King comes to the ring and says heís aware he canít attack Cole now (oh, that is suddenly being brought up again?), but it didnít apply to Rock who destroyed Cole last week. King says if Cole can beat him in another match, he will personally induct him into the Hall of Fame and give him a Hall of Fame ring. This would clearly give Michael Cole super powers and make him unbeatable. Cole refuses this generous offer and locks himself in the Cole Mine.

I completely ignore what Cole is saying right now. Something about Elvis dying on the shitter. Oh, it also becomes about his dead mother again. Jerry charges the Cole Mine and tries to climb inside but Swagger, who apparently just waits in the wings like some kind of Batman comes to the rescue and sends Lawler into the ring post. Iím glad that was so refreshingly different and not the same shit Iíve seen over and over.

Random Commercial Thought: Damn, Tough Enough is quickly becoming a show about people racing to their earliest wrestling injuries. We return to a US title match which will apparently involve Swagger. He earned this shot by beating up old men for the last several months.

US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger (Non-Title Match)

Cole is singing the praises of Swagger of course. They tie up and Swagger backs Kingston into a corner before tripping him up into an ankle lock. Kingston rolls out of it and flips up into a Trouble in Paradise, but Swagger backs off and they fight to a stalemate. Swagger moves in with a headlock take down but Kofi counters with a head scissor. Swagger delivers a belly to back suplex. Kofi manages to break the waist lock, but Swagger shuts him down with a gut shot. Kofi comes back with a flying forearm and dropkick that sends Swagger to the floor. Kofi goes for a suicide dive, but Swagger dives into the ring. Kofi lands on the apron only to be punched off. Iíve always wondered what the excuse is for guys randomly saving themselves like that as if they had any time to do so without planning to never jump in the first pace. At any rate, Kofi is sent into the security wall as we are sent into commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Crowd surfing- sport of champions.

Swagger is destroying Kingston right now. He puts him up on the top turnbuckle because this seemed like a really good idea in the script. Kingston of course punches him out, but Swagger comes back with a knee to the midsection. Swagger tries his slingshot body splash only to land on Kofiís upturned knees. Swagger runs from another Trouble in Paradise, but Kofi is soon up top and hits a huge cross body for two. Swagger blocks a kick and tries to toss Kofi who skins the cat. Kingston tries to flip up into a head scissor, but Swagger catches his ankle puts on the lock. Kofi is in the ropes though so he has to break. Good psychology here. Swagger starts working the leg, but Kingston rolls out of another ankle lock attempt. Swagger tosses Kofi off the top turnbuckle who is unable to land on his feet, selling the leg.

King suddenly appears on the ring entrance all pissed and Swagger decides it makes perfect sense to look at the ring entrance as if he hasnít fucked up Lawlerís day several times already. Swagger eats Trouble in Paradise.

Winner: Kofi who hilariously need help from Lawler.

Lawler chucks Swagger into the crowd before reaching into an air hole in the Cole Mine and grabbing Cole by the tie. He choke Cole out and then slams his face into the wall over and over and over. It would have been awesome if Cole could have more easily sold his face was hitting that instead of his hands, the little pansy. Referees eventually pull King off and Swagger rescues Cole from the mine. Swagger says heís dead now because heís fired. King says he never touched hi, just his tie. Good point. Take that one to court. Swagger seems like he canít remember how to cut this fucking retarded promo and Swagger accepts the Hall of Fame stipulation match for Cole who seems upset with that decision.

Who in their right mind wants to see this? The writing department should be shot in the streets.

Random Commercial thought: I would definitely make my neighborís stupid fucking dog run into a door if I could.

Alberto might in trouble. He gets a regular introduction and is already in the ring. Maybe they just didnít want to repeat the entrance from the beginning of the show though. Our other competitors make their respective ways out soon after.

The Miz vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rio (#1 Contenderís Match)

Alberto and Miz go after Rey together, but he springboards off of Miz into a dropkick on Alberto. He then drop toe holds Miz into the ropes that sets them both p for the 619. Am I supposed to by his little legs would reach them both? Alberto counters with a clothesline and dumps Rey to the floor. Miz rolls up Alberto for two and they start to Miz it up before Rey catches hi on the apron and leaps into a hurricanrana for two on Alberto. Alberto is sent into the ring post while Miz picks up two on Rey from behind. Alberto is still wallowing in the corner when he gets hit by Miz landing the hanging clothesline on Rey in the corner for two. Triple Threat matches are so weird. Especially with how some moves kill you way harder all of a sudden in this environment.

Rey sets up another 619 attempt, but Alberto trips him from the outside and lays into Rey with kicks to the midsection. Rey spring off the ropes into a head scissor, but Rio counters by tossing hi to the floor. Miz tries the skull crushing finale, but Rio counters into roll through pin for two. Miz comes back with a small package for two of his own before they deck each other with a clothesline.

Random Commercial Thought: I took this opportunity to get a honey bun.

Alberto is working a chin lock on Rey and he sends Miz crashing to the floor when he tries to step in. Rey hitís a kick to the jaw in the corner, but Rio counters with a tilt a whirl back breaker for two. Alberto goes to the floor to make sure Miz stays down before returning to the ring to work on Rey. Rey fights out of a typical rest hold, but the momentum gets shut down again and Miz pulls the ropes down to send Alberto flailing to the floor. Miz picked a bad time and eats a super kick by Rey that drops him down. Rey slingshot into a senton for two. Miz begs for mercy before sending Rey into the ring post. Miz goes for the hanging clothesline again, but logic dictates he has to miss this time and he does. Alberto drags him out through the ropes afterward to slam Miz to the ground. Rey leaps out into a suicide dive on Alberto. He tosses Alberto into the ring and baseball slides into Mizís ribs.

Back in the rings, A senton off the top hits Del Rio and he looks to have it won, but Rio kicks out at two. Rio takes the head scissors from Rey which was kind of botched as Miz is going up top. Rey tosses Alberto into Miz to rack him on the rop and rolls up Alberto for two. Alberto accidentally kicks the ref as he kicks out and this amazingly doesnít kill him. Mysterio takes out Miz again but falls prey to an arm breaker from Alberto. Alberto rolls into the cross arm breaker on Rey, but Miz comes in for the save. Alberto ducks the kick and rolls Miz up for two, but Miz is up and hits his new kneeling DDT for two of his own.

Miz tries the skull crushing finale on Mysterio who slip free and boot shim to the floor. Alex Riley limps out to rouse Miz on the outside while Alberto is jumping Rey back in the ring.. Rey sends Del Rio into Riley on the apron, setting up Alberto for the 619.. Rey dropkicks Miz off the apron as well and goes up top for the splash. He lands it, but Riley drags Alberto out of the ring. Rey turns in surprise and gets rolled up from behind by Miz.

Winner: Miz

The announcers quickly cover for this by saying Triple Threat matches are No DisqualificationÖsince when? Why not use a fucking chair in one then? Cena responds to the win by arriving on the ring entrance to congratulate him. Cena says there will be no excuses in their match, because it will be an I Quit match. R-Truth arrives to destroy Rey with a downward spiral post match and end the show by giving us his crazy eyes.

Highlight of the Night: Main event was pretty good stuff. One of the better TV matches weíve had in a while. Kofi/Swagger was decent as well. At least we had matches this week.

Lowlight of the Night: Cole can suck a dick and die.

WWE "Creative" Award:The writing as of late is terrible. Itís hard to pinpoint any one thing, but there definitely needs to be a change.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).