I would open this article
with a full run down of what to expect on Raw after
the supplemental draft, but honestly we really got
it up the butt on that one with acquisitions
(Ezekiel and Goldust?) but at least we finally got
rid of Hornswoggle who I can’t really believe still
has a job. Besides, it’s not like we’ll see these
people more than once when they aren’t getting
squashed miserably, so there’s no need to worry
about it. The only thing of note to happen on
Smackdown in relation to Raw is that Edge went back
to being heel so we can keep Orton as a face. This
has the unfortunate implication of giving us even
more Edge/Cena matches in the future which makes me
want a cry. But at least that “spear spear spear”
thing will end now that Edge is heel again. That was
Show opens with a recap of
Edge forcing us into another Cena/Batista main event
last week before we get theme and pyro. Of note, the
theme now includes Morrison and R-Truth. They
threaten us with another episode of Cutting Edge,
special guest Randy Orton. Please God don’t let them
have sex on live TV. I’ll do anything, just give me
this one. Batista decides to come out to the ring in
his little swim trunks despite not having a match.
Batista tries to make an excuse for why he lost the
Last Man Standing Match since Cena taped his legs
around a post so he couldn’t stand. Should have
brought scissors…or not let his feet be held
together for a ludicrously long time to be taped up.
Apparently there is a Beat the Clock tournament
between just him and Cena (is that a tournament with
just two guys?) to determine who will pick the
stipulation for their next match. Batista says he is
facing Miz and laughs before we get Sheamus instead
just to ruin my
night. They sit around and argue
about who really lost what match. Kind of pointless
and Sheamus gets pissed when Batista tells him to
fuck off, so he gives some parting words and leaves.
Random Commercial Thought: Robin Hood isn’t shitty
enough yet, why has it become some kind of fucking
Miz arrives with his belt but in
street clothes and holding an envelope. Miz regrets
to inform that he would love to fight Batista and
all that but unfortunately he suffered “trauma to
the face” from sasquatch and he brought a doctor’s
note, completely with big huge letters reading
“Doctor’s Note.” I admit that is funny. Miz says he
has to find someone else, but lucky for him, he has
just the guy, his NXT rookie, Daniel Bryan. Well, it
would have worked in ROH. Miz give shim some advice
to not get pinned in thirty seconds. Daniel says
he’ll make Batista tap out. Wait…wut?
Daniel Bryan w/ The Miz vs. Batista (Beat the Clock)
Batista immediately scoops him up for a Batista
Bomb, but he flips through and rolls Batista up for
two. Daniel hits a drop toe hold into an Ankle lock
and Batista barely escapes to the floor. Batista
sizes him up back in the ring after taking a
breather on the floor. He rams Daniel into the
corner and kicks him down but out of a corner
charge, Bryan leaps over into a sleeper hold.
Batista tosses him off and runs Bryan down with a
big kick for two. Bryan is crushed with a toss to
the corner and a repeat performance of the same.
Could Bryan have a less interesting outfit? Bryan
locks on a front choke but Batista back tosses him
off, though he shows a visible trouble breathing
before covering for two. Creeping up on three
minutes as Batista takes the fight the floor,
slamming Bryan into the edge of the ring. Back in
the ring, a clothesline turns him inside out and
only gets two. Daniel fights back as he dragged up,
punching out on Batista before he lands a
to the head, but he runs into a kick from Batista
instead for yet another two count. Four minutes.
Batista is distracted by the clock and he eats two
kick to the head before an impressive arm/chinlock
is locked in on Batista/ Batista barely scrapes to
the ropes at four and a half. Afterward, he just
stomps the shit out of Batista and the crowd is
fired up. Batista kicks his knee out and charges
into a slow spear that looks awful. Batista finally
finishes things with the Batista Bomb at five
minutes and six seconds.
Post-match, Batista bombs him again. He goes to
leave and decides to give one more for good measure
still. They reveal Cena has to beat Jericho quicker
tonight before reminding us Wayne Brady is the host
tonight. Is he gonna have to smack a bitch?
Random Commercial Thought: My birthday is coming up.
Back to the show where Wayne is
hanging out with Eve. He says she’s his favorite. He
just wants to fuck you. You actually suck, Eve.
Jillian shows up to ask if she can sing his theme
song. He lets he try out of course. Um, why are they
dancing? After leaves, it seems Maryse ganked her
belt while she was turned around and knocks her out
with it. Edge is then approached in the back so he
can talk about his segment where he’ll be talking.
It was mostly just a bit for him to complain that he
can’t show his old hardcore matches because the show
is too kid friendly these days. Kid friendly in the
way where guys give concussions to the families of
other wrestlers and attack them in their homes. A
show where women bounce around with fake boobs in
kinky outfits. For kids!
Thought: Most people just point at superheroes and
yell how awesome that is.
We come back to Ted
Dibiase and a replay of him getting slapped by Truth
last week. Ted tries to point out how shitty Truth’s
song is. Morrison is out to defend Truth’s honor I
John Morrison vs. Ted Dibiase
Morrison gets beat down early but soon comes back
with a clip flip over dropkick before sending
Dibiase to the floor and hitting a huge springboard
450 senton. Dibiase looks at Morrison as he goes
back to the ring and just decides to say fuck it
before taking a walk.
Morrison refuses to allow the count out to stand as
his debut. Morrison demands he come back to
the ring and they just restart but Ted takes the
walk anyway. John decides to add a stipulation in
that if he loses, he’ll be his Virgil. The sexual
predator smile that we get over this is pretty
creepy as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Did Paula Abdul ever make a good
Back to the show where the match is
back underway and Morrison is being clubbed in the
back of the head on the ground. Dibiase decides to
switch to a waist lock so Morrison can escape more
easily I suppose. Morrison does so but eats a
clothesline for two. Dibiase continues to beat
Morrison down and taunts before Morrison finally
ducks a telegraphed punch and a big kick floors
Dibiase. Morrison goes for a springboard off the
middle rope but Dibiase trips him up for two. Dream
Street is set up but Morrison tosses him off only to
be power slammed for two instead. Morrison is still
on defensive, but as dibiase goes for another Dream
Street, Morrison kicks off the middle turnbuckle to
flip into a pin for three.
Dibiase attacks after the match and beats Morrison
into the ground until Truth comes in for the save.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t understand why
anyone likes 3D technology in movies.
the show where we get a replay of Jericho getting
fisted. I mean, Big Show’s fist….I mean punched.
Yeah. Punched. Did he bring a doctor’s note too?
Jericho comes out in a suit ad says he won’t be
using the same excuse as Miz. He has a much better
one! It’s because he’s beaten and embarrassed
Cena on so many occasions. Um, which ones? I don’t
remember any of those. He says someone else needs
the ego boost more than him it’s of course another
NXT rookie, Wade Barrett. The NXT theme sucks nuts.
They sound like fags coming out to that shit. Was
that language crude enough for anyone?
Wade Barrett w/ Chris Jericho vs.
WWE Champion John Cena (Beat the Clock)
Cena starts off with a snap mare and a quick cover
for one. Why bother? Cena continues to outwrestle
Barret for a bit with some headlocks and waist
locks, picking up quick one counts. Cena tries
a full Nelson but Barrett escapes only to be
snapmared into another corner. Cena scoops up for an
FU and Jericho gets on the apron. Cena tries to kick
at him instead of just staying where he is and
winning so Barrett gets the ropes. He tosses Wade
onto Jericho on the floor and has an encounter with
Jericho while Wade distracts the ref. Back in the
ring, after Cena has been slammed to the announce
table, Wade hammers Cena down. Barrett floors Cena
with a stiff clothesline for two. Barrett works a
submission hold on the ground. Barrett crushes Cena
with a kick to the head when he escapes but only
gets two again.
Cena kicks out at two after a
back breaker. Only a minute left for Cena to beat
the clock. Barrett just keeps kicking away at
Cena. Cena snags his arm and drags Barrett down at
thirty seconds into the STFU to get the sudden tap
much? Cena goes ahead to declare his pick for the
stipulation at “Over the Limit” weak sauce name.
Sheamus interrupts him by squashing Cena with the
Radom Commercial Thought: Subway
just isn’t the same without Jared.
the show where Maryse is out to take on one of the
Bellas. Does it really matter which it is? They
aren’t even dressed the same so they can’t pull
their switch up.
Nikki Bella vs. Maryse
bitchslaps from the get go so Nikki comes back with
a crappy snap mare. Maryse takes the floor and gets
confronted by the other Bella only for Nikki to
attack from behind. Back in the ring, Maryse throws
her off the top rope by the hair and delivers the
DDT for three.
match, Maryse decides to talk to everyone in her
damn moon speak and presents her brand new
photoshoot. Nope, don’t care. Oh, it’s just her
posing with the belt on top of an unconscious Eve.
So the photographer took the photos anyway when she
was like that? What a douche. Eve attacks post-match
and hilarious fails at getting into the ring and is
stopped by a lone ref who wasn’t necessary since the
ring apron was apparently enough to stop her. Has
anyone else noticed that as soon as they become
women’s champion, if the diva is a face they start
wearing blue jeans?
Thought: Two Iron Man commercials in a row?
Zack Ryder is on Raw. He talks about how he is still
on Raw and I wasn’t even aware of that. Apparently
he broke up with his girlfriend when she was drafted
and invited Gail Kim and Alicia Fox to watch him
fight Primo. Wayne says if he wants to be impressive
he should face this man instead, Mark Henry. Oh,
great. We still have him.
Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry (God, help us all Match)
Why does he have one pants leg? How faggy is he
trying to be? Henry scoop slams Ryder around
several times but he misses a corner splash. Ryder
kicks out the legs with a dropkick and a missile
dropkick off the top gets a two count. Ryder
delivers the “Rough Rider” which just looks like a
face hump to me. It only gets two and Henry crushes
him in the corner before delivering some hard
punches and a clothesline. Ryder escapes a scoop but
a punch is just caught and he eats the World’s
Strongest Slam for three.
After the match, Henry decides to pick up the divas
himself. BULLSHIT! Fucking bullshit! In the back,
Jericho and Miz are having some kind heart to heart
talk about Big Show being an ass to them as a
partner. He remembers it differently I guess.
Jericho decides they should do something about it. I
assume he’s just going to challenge for the tag team
Random Commercial Thought: How do
you punch that much water out of someone’s face?
In the back, Wayne is in the back talking about how
he gave proper competition to Kozlov tonight.
Santino shows up to join the Brady Bunch. Nice afro.
Why is Wayne now Lando? Huh. This segment gets
anti-laughs when Goldust shows up in a dress. Huh.
Random Commercial Thought: That’s a
bit different than your average weapon in a
Jericho and Miz are at ringside
when we return for a match between the Hart Dynasty
and Kozlov and Regal.
Vladimir Kozlov & William Regal vs. Unified Tag
Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (Non-Title Match)
Regal starts in with Tyson. Tyson kicks Regal in the corner and
hops up, but it’s heel territory and Kozlov tosses
him to the floor from behind. Regal works over his
arm and Kozlov tags in. Hilariously, Chris Jericho
tells Cole to stop being a jackass. Kozlov crushes
Tyson some before tagging right back out. Regal
works the arm again but he eats a dropkick from
Tyson who makes the hot tag to Smith. Smith delivers
a big kick to Kozlov on the apron, but Regal shuts
him down with a shot to the midsection. He ducks a
second shot from Regal and locks on the Sharpshooter
out of a trip for the easy win.
Miz attacks Smith from behind but
gets tackled. Jericho delivers the Code Breaker but
messes up and end sup with Smith’s head between his
legs instead. Oops. They raise their arms in victory
over the felatio. Smith takes the Skullcrushing
Finale as well. Where the hell did Natalya and Tyson
run off to during all this? I have no idea. Must
have been already off getting celebratory brownies.
Random Commercial Thought: God DAMN that Robin Hood
movie looks awful.
As we return, we learn
Flavor Flav is going to host next week. I think it
is telling that in a recent WWE poll, there was
almost a three fourths majority of votes to please
never do guest hosts again. WWE has yet to learn
that talking segments do not count as main events as
we are now kicking off the Cutting Edge. Edge says
spearing Orton was cathartic and made him feel
better. He invites Orton out but Wayne Brady arrives
instead. Edge seems happy to see him. Wayne wants to
pretend to be Edge for a moment and he wants to tell
all the guest hosts that he’s awesome. Also he’s Bob
Darker. Finally, Randy Orton decides to interrupt
this. Wayne goes for a handshake and gets an RKO.
Oh. You can’t do that to Wayne Brady motherfucker!
Edge tries to remind Orton how he teamed as Rated
RKO and dominated for a while and it could happen
again only bigger and better. He tries to sweet talk
Orton into an alliance to beat Cena and Batista.
Edge eventually gets pissed at his silence saying
he’s angry because people never really liked him
even though he made a triumphant injury return with
a new catchphrase and they like Orton despite being
a fucking douche. This is true. Edge says he’ll keep
attacking until he gets it and demands a reply so
Orton tries an RKO, but he’s thrown off and booted
in the face. Edge sets up for a spear and gets an
RKOO in the middle of it.
Highlight of the Night: This
show was way more disappointing after last week’s
stellar show. The Batista/Bryan match was the only
thing that stood out at all.
Lowlight of the Night: Yet another
pointless and boring Diva’s match.
WWE “Creative” Award: I
appreciate the Miz/Jericho team up, so good for
that, but who decided we needed a Mark Henry/Zack