WWE
RAW RANT:
(05/03/10)
By Cameron Burge

I would open this article with a full run down of what to expect on Raw after the supplemental draft, but honestly we really got it up the butt on that one with acquisitions (Ezekiel and Goldust?) but at least we finally got rid of Hornswoggle who I can’t really believe still has a job. Besides, it’s not like we’ll see these people more than once when they aren’t getting squashed miserably, so there’s no need to worry about it. The only thing of note to happen on Smackdown in relation to Raw is that Edge went back to being heel so we can keep Orton as a face. This has the unfortunate implication of giving us even more Edge/Cena matches in the future which makes me want a cry. But at least that “spear spear spear” thing will end now that Edge is heel again. That was fucking lame.

Raw 05.03.10

Show opens with a recap of Edge forcing us into another Cena/Batista main event last week before we get theme and pyro. Of note, the theme now includes Morrison and R-Truth. They threaten us with another episode of Cutting Edge, special guest Randy Orton. Please God don’t let them have sex on live TV. I’ll do anything, just give me this one. Batista decides to come out to the ring in his little swim trunks despite not having a match. Batista tries to make an excuse for why he lost the Last Man Standing Match since Cena taped his legs around a post so he couldn’t stand. Should have brought scissors…or not let his feet be held together for a ludicrously long time to be taped up. Apparently there is a Beat the Clock tournament between just him and Cena (is that a tournament with just two guys?) to determine who will pick the stipulation for their next match. Batista says he is facing Miz and laughs before we get Sheamus instead just to ruin my
 night. They sit around and argue about who really lost what match. Kind of pointless and Sheamus gets pissed when Batista tells him to fuck off, so he gives some parting words and leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: Robin Hood isn’t shitty enough yet, why has it become some kind of fucking war movie?

Miz arrives with his belt but in street clothes and holding an envelope. Miz regrets to inform that he would love to fight Batista and all that but unfortunately he suffered “trauma to the face” from sasquatch and he brought a doctor’s note, completely with big huge letters reading “Doctor’s Note.” I admit that is funny. Miz says he has to find someone else, but lucky for him, he has just the guy, his NXT rookie, Daniel Bryan. Well, it would have worked in ROH. Miz give shim some advice to not get pinned in thirty seconds. Daniel says he’ll make Batista tap out. Wait…wut?

Daniel Bryan w/ The Miz vs. Batista (Beat the Clock)

Batista immediately scoops him up for a Batista Bomb, but he flips through and rolls Batista up for two. Daniel hits a drop toe hold into an Ankle lock and Batista barely escapes to the floor. Batista sizes him up back in the ring after taking a breather on the floor. He rams Daniel into the corner and kicks him down but out of a corner charge, Bryan leaps over into a sleeper hold. Batista tosses him off and runs Bryan down with a big kick for two. Bryan is crushed with a toss to the corner and a repeat performance of the same. Could Bryan have a less interesting outfit? Bryan locks on a front choke but Batista back tosses him off, though he shows a visible trouble breathing before covering for two. Creeping up on three minutes as Batista takes the fight the floor, slamming Bryan into the edge of the ring. Back in the ring, a clothesline turns him inside out and only gets two. Daniel fights back as he dragged up, punching out on Batista before he lands a
 kick to the head, but he runs into a kick from Batista instead for yet another two count. Four minutes.

Batista is distracted by the clock and he eats two kick to the head before an impressive arm/chinlock is locked in on Batista/ Batista barely scrapes to the ropes at four and a half. Afterward, he just stomps the shit out of Batista and the crowd is fired up. Batista kicks his knee out and charges into a slow spear that looks awful. Batista finally finishes things with the Batista Bomb at five minutes and six seconds.
Winner: Batista

Post-match, Batista bombs him again. He goes to leave and decides to give one more for good measure still. They reveal Cena has to beat Jericho quicker tonight before reminding us Wayne Brady is the host tonight. Is he gonna have to smack a bitch?

Random Commercial Thought: My birthday is coming up. Send hookers.

Back to the show where Wayne is hanging out with Eve. He says she’s his favorite. He just wants to fuck you. You actually suck, Eve. Jillian shows up to ask if she can sing his theme song. He lets he try out of course. Um, why are they dancing? After leaves, it seems Maryse ganked her belt while she was turned around and knocks her out with it. Edge is then approached in the back so he can talk about his segment where he’ll be talking. It was mostly just a bit for him to complain that he can’t show his old hardcore matches because the show is too kid friendly these days. Kid friendly in the way where guys give concussions to the families of other wrestlers and attack them in their homes. A show where women bounce around with fake boobs in kinky outfits. For kids!

Random Commercial Thought: Most people just point at superheroes and yell how awesome that is.

We come back to Ted Dibiase and a replay of him getting slapped by Truth last week. Ted tries to point out how shitty Truth’s song is. Morrison is out to defend Truth’s honor I guess.

John Morrison vs. Ted Dibiase

Morrison gets beat down early but soon comes back with a clip flip over dropkick before sending Dibiase to the floor and hitting a huge springboard 450 senton. Dibiase looks at Morrison as he goes back to the ring and just decides to say fuck it before taking a walk.
Winner: Morrison

Morrison refuses to allow the count out to stand as his debut.  Morrison demands he come back to the ring and they just restart but Ted takes the walk anyway. John decides to add a stipulation in that if he loses, he’ll be his Virgil. The sexual predator smile that we get over this is pretty creepy as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Did Paula Abdul ever make a good song?

Back to the show where the match is back underway and Morrison is being clubbed in the back of the head on the ground. Dibiase decides to switch to a waist lock so Morrison can escape more easily I suppose. Morrison does so but eats a clothesline for two. Dibiase continues to beat Morrison down and taunts before Morrison finally ducks a telegraphed punch and a big kick floors Dibiase. Morrison goes for a springboard off the middle rope but Dibiase trips him up for two. Dream Street is set up but Morrison tosses him off only to be power slammed for two instead. Morrison is still on defensive, but as dibiase goes for another Dream Street, Morrison kicks off the middle turnbuckle to flip into a pin for three.
Winner: Morrison

Dibiase attacks after the match and beats Morrison into the ground until Truth comes in for the save.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t understand why anyone likes 3D technology in movies.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Jericho getting fisted. I mean, Big Show’s fist….I mean punched. Yeah. Punched. Did he bring a doctor’s note too? Jericho comes out in a suit ad says he won’t be using the same excuse as Miz. He has a much better one! It’s  because he’s beaten and embarrassed Cena on so many occasions. Um, which ones? I don’t remember any of those. He says someone else needs the ego boost more than him it’s of course another NXT rookie, Wade Barrett. The NXT theme sucks nuts. They sound like fags coming out to that shit. Was that language crude enough for anyone?

Wade Barrett w/ Chris Jericho vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Beat the Clock)

Cena starts off with a snap mare and a quick cover for one. Why bother? Cena continues to outwrestle Barret for a bit with some headlocks and waist locks, picking up quick one counts. Cena  tries a full Nelson but Barrett escapes only to be snapmared into another corner. Cena scoops up for an FU and Jericho gets on the apron. Cena tries to kick at him instead of just staying where he is and winning so Barrett gets the ropes. He tosses Wade onto Jericho on the floor and has an encounter with Jericho while Wade distracts the ref. Back in the ring, after Cena has been slammed to the announce table, Wade hammers Cena down. Barrett floors Cena with a stiff clothesline for two. Barrett works a submission hold on the ground. Barrett crushes Cena with a kick to the head when he escapes but only gets two again.

Cena kicks out at two after a back breaker. Only a minute left for Cena to beat the clock.  Barrett just keeps kicking away at Cena. Cena snags his arm and drags Barrett down at thirty seconds into the STFU to get the sudden tap out victory.
Winner: Cena

Anti-climax much? Cena goes ahead to declare his pick for the stipulation at “Over the Limit” weak sauce name. Sheamus interrupts him by squashing Cena with the pump kick.

Radom Commercial Thought: Subway just isn’t the same without Jared.

Back to the show where Maryse is out to take on one of the Bellas. Does it really matter which it is? They aren’t even dressed the same so they can’t pull their switch up.

Nikki Bella vs. Maryse

Maryse just bitchslaps from the get go so Nikki comes back with a crappy snap mare. Maryse takes the floor and gets confronted by the other Bella only for Nikki to attack from behind. Back in the ring, Maryse throws her off the top rope by the hair and delivers the DDT for three.
Winner: Maryse

After the match, Maryse decides to talk to everyone in her damn moon speak and presents her brand new photoshoot. Nope, don’t care. Oh, it’s just her posing with the belt on top of an unconscious Eve. So the photographer took the photos anyway when she was like that? What a douche. Eve attacks post-match and hilarious fails at getting into the ring and is stopped by a lone ref who wasn’t necessary since the ring apron was apparently enough to stop her. Has anyone else noticed that as soon as they become women’s champion, if the diva is a face they start wearing blue jeans?

Random Commercial Thought: Two Iron Man commercials in a row?

Zack Ryder is on Raw. He talks about how he is still on Raw and I wasn’t even aware of that. Apparently he broke up with his girlfriend when she was drafted and invited Gail Kim and Alicia Fox to watch him fight Primo. Wayne says if he wants to be impressive he should face this man instead, Mark Henry. Oh, great. We still have him.

Zack Ryder vs. Mark Henry (God, help us all Match)

Why does he have one pants leg? How faggy is he trying to be?  Henry scoop slams Ryder around several times but he misses a corner splash. Ryder kicks out the legs with a dropkick and a missile dropkick off the top gets a two count. Ryder delivers the “Rough Rider” which just looks like a face hump to me. It only gets two and Henry crushes him in the corner before delivering some hard punches and a clothesline. Ryder escapes a scoop but a punch is just caught and he eats the World’s Strongest Slam for three.
Winner: Henry

After the match, Henry decides to pick up the divas himself. BULLSHIT! Fucking bullshit! In the back, Jericho and Miz are having some kind heart to heart talk about Big Show being an ass to them as a partner. He remembers it differently I guess. Jericho decides they should do something about it. I assume he’s just going to challenge for the tag team titles.

Random Commercial Thought: How do you punch that much water out of someone’s face?

In the back, Wayne is in the back talking about how he gave proper competition to Kozlov tonight. Santino shows up to join the Brady Bunch. Nice afro. Why is Wayne now Lando? Huh. This segment gets anti-laughs when Goldust shows up in a dress. Huh. Again.

Random Commercial Thought: That’s a bit different than your average weapon in a briefcase.

Jericho and Miz are at ringside when we return for a match between the Hart Dynasty and Kozlov and Regal.

Vladimir Kozlov & William Regal vs. Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty (Non-Title Match)

Regal starts in with Tyson. Tyson kicks Regal in the corner and hops up, but it’s heel territory and Kozlov tosses him to the floor from behind. Regal works over his arm and Kozlov tags in. Hilariously, Chris Jericho tells Cole to stop being a jackass. Kozlov crushes Tyson some before tagging right back out. Regal works the arm again but he eats a dropkick from Tyson who makes the hot tag to Smith. Smith delivers a big kick to Kozlov on the apron, but Regal shuts him down with a shot to the midsection. He ducks a second shot from Regal and locks on the Sharpshooter out of a trip for the easy win.
Winners: Hart Dynasty

Miz attacks Smith from behind but gets tackled. Jericho delivers the Code Breaker but messes up and end sup with Smith’s head between his legs instead. Oops. They raise their arms in victory over the felatio. Smith takes the Skullcrushing Finale as well. Where the hell did Natalya and Tyson run off to during all this? I have no idea. Must have been already off getting celebratory brownies.

Random Commercial Thought: God DAMN that Robin Hood movie looks awful.

As we return, we learn Flavor Flav is going to host next week. I think it is telling that in a recent WWE poll, there was almost a three fourths majority of votes to please never do guest hosts again. WWE has yet to learn that talking segments do not count as main events as we are now kicking off the Cutting Edge. Edge says spearing Orton was cathartic and made him feel better. He invites Orton out but Wayne Brady arrives instead. Edge seems happy to see him. Wayne wants to pretend to be Edge for a moment and he wants to tell all the guest hosts that he’s awesome. Also he’s Bob Darker. Finally, Randy Orton decides to interrupt this. Wayne goes for a handshake and gets an RKO. Oh. You can’t do that to Wayne Brady motherfucker! Edge tries to remind Orton how he teamed as Rated RKO and dominated for a while and it could happen again only bigger and better. He tries to sweet talk Orton into an alliance to beat Cena and Batista.

Edge eventually gets pissed at his silence saying he’s angry because people never really liked him even though he made a triumphant injury return with a new catchphrase and they like Orton despite being a fucking douche. This is true. Edge says he’ll keep attacking until he gets it and demands a reply so Orton tries an RKO, but he’s thrown off and booted in the face. Edge sets up for a spear and gets an RKOO in the middle of it.

Highlight of the Night: This show was way more disappointing after last week’s stellar show. The Batista/Bryan match was the only thing that stood out at all.

Lowlight of the Night: Yet another pointless and boring Diva’s match.

WWE “Creative” Award: I appreciate the Miz/Jericho team up, so good for that, but who decided we needed a Mark Henry/Zack Ryder match?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.