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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

May 2, 2011


Sometimes I like to amuse myself by trying to make specific predictions of the future of WWE storylines and see how correct I can be. I managed to successfully predict Taker's return being simultaneous to Triple H's and leading to a match at Wrestlemania. I'm not here to brag. But I think Michael Cole will one day have a match with Kharma and that this is the reasoning behind his burying of the Diva's side story. That horrifies me to my very core. In case you missed Extreme Rules, count yourself lucky. Cena is champion again. This is for the sole reason that the Rock will be on tonight and nothing else. It serves little point with no one credible being on Raw to take Cena on in a match with Orton gone. CM Punk looks like a complete tool with ZERO wins over Orton it seems. Nexus is done, give it up, guys.

Raw 05.02.11

Tonight's show opens with a recap of 9/11 to celebrate the death of Osama Bin Laden….HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROCK! Oh, did I mention that it also showed the Smackdown after 9/11 because we needed to make sure WWE gets some hype for this? Hey, Lillian Garcia appeared, which is rare for people who were unceremoniously fired. Oh, there she is again, she's here tonight to sing it again. I guess that new dude they got doing the ring introductions doesn't sing too good and his boobs looked terrible in that dress.

We get our usual theme now which includes footage of our new superstars and replaced most of Orton with Alberto. They threaten us with a rematch between Cena and Miz for the strap. Can we classify that as an act of terrorism? The Rock makes his way out immediately after. I'm kind of wondering how convenient it is that his birthday is the day after the opening weekend for Fast Five. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Least they could have done is keep Jillian on for intros the rest of the night, but we're back to that other guy ho still seems to think that one syllable words should be pronounced with five whenever possible. Okay, Rock, we've blown ten minutes here, get with he program.

Oh, by the way, King and JR lost their match to Cole and Swagger, yet both are still on the announce team tonight. I can't wait for their banter to begin. So I can kill myself. Rock takes his time warming up, looking like he's nervous for some reason. He pauses in "The Rock has come back" to say home instead. He pauses then for some more Rocky chants. He says he has one thing to say "we got him." I can only assume he means we finally got the one armed man and we can stop chasing David Janssen. Rock talks about his military family and leads the crowd in the pledge of allegiance. He then proceeds to show us pictures from his past and talks about eating a lot of pie, which I'm pretty sure nobody says anymore. He talks about his college football career as well. I'm sure this would be interesting if I cared about his life at all.

Guess what? I don't. The "If Ya Smell" is interrupted by the GM. Michael Cole gloats as he prepares to read it. Oh hey, I think he actually does have an iPad now. Rock interrupts him before he can begin reading the e-mail and tells Cole to show some decency and class and tells him to read the message to his face in the ring. Cole declines the offer and tries again, but Rock interrupts him again. Rock says if Cole is scared of him, he understands him before reminding Cole he's undefeated (this is fucking stupid) and that he must either be a tough guy or the voice of WWE by coming into the ring to read the message like a man, or he can sit in the box looking like a hobbit bitch or something to that effect. Cole says he isn't scared of anything and he's grown into a man since Rock last new him and he only associates with winners. Cole strips his jacket off and shirt to reveal that he's wearing a Celtics Jersey. Who would wear that under their shirt randomly? I assume Miami hates the Celtics. I don't watch sports if you can't tell.

Cole calls The Rock Duane and agrees to come to the ring to deliver the message now. We are 22 minutes in. The Raw GM demands an apology. Cole says this while backing down from The Rock. He says if Rock doesn't apologize the Raw GM will shut down the birthday celebration and Cole demands an apology as well for everything Rock used to do to him in interview segments. Not as bad as when he would make Coachman dance. Rock says that he's right about all the disrespect he's given them both and says he has one thing to say…and actually says he's sorry before offering his hand. Rock says he's apologizing like a man and tells him to either accept the apology or not. They shake hands and Cole thanks him before Rock says thank you as well and tells him to eat something that is completely bleeped. I like to hope it was something so offensive it can't be put into actual words in text. Rock delivers a rock bottom and people's elbow before cutting his music to put over his birthday more. CHRIST. It's been thirty minutes, guys. Pitbull is here, who is some white rapper, which seems kind of weird considering how much Rock put down Cena for being about as good as anything Pitbull ever made. Oh my God he's singing. Go to commercial. Please go to commercial. Why is this happening to me? Pitbull is joined by dancers as they hype the Miami Heat. This is worse than when they sucked New York's dick that one tie.

Remember when WCW had all that success with the live concerts from KISS and other bands? No? That's because it's retarded. Morrison and Truth will be in a match tonight and we finally go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Is thievery a white collar crime? Or did they just like that color better, the racists?

We return to a recap of Truth's heel speech and the fight between him and Morrison. Jim Ross has shown up to replace Cole tonight before we are joined by Morrison for an actual match, holy shit! Oh, never mind, Truth jumps him from behind. Truth kept Morrison from escaping the cage and winning the title last night. Truth delivers the downward spiral to Morrison on the floor outside the ring and leaves. Oh yeah. That's good programming, waste a fucking half hour and then DON'T have your first match. I would riot at this show. This s the equivalent of an episode of American Idol where Simon Cowell returns to celebrate his life in the first half and then in the second half, one of the singers is beaten down from behind before they can sing. That happens all the time. Truth returns to do a second downward spiral on the ring entrance when the refs are trying to help Morrison out.

Random Commercial Thought: …was that the Stilt Man in Thor?

What I failed to mention until now is that bumpers have celebrities wishing Rock a birthday in them. They aren't really worth mentioning, I just needed something to type here before the Diva's match that actually has Maryse wrestling…against Kelly Kelly. The first match of the night features Kelly Kelly.

Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse vs. inevitable run in by Kharma

Maryse drags Maryse to the ground and slams her head into the mat over and over when a low chord hits and Kharma arrives in her Val Kyrie gear. She removes her cape while Kelly sits in the ring and looks like she pissed herself for some reason. Maryse is still dead in the ring from the head beating earlier. Are they scared of her because she is black or fat? JR calls her gigantic. Kharma attacks Maryse first with a chicken wing power slam. Kharma laughs maniacally and stares Kelly down in the corner before leaving her there.

I take it back. Forty Four minutes into the show and no matches. We cut from Kharma to Miz. Alex Riley is with him. Um, he's allowed here still? Miz demands to know why Riley wasn't at the match. Riley reminds him he's been drafted to Smackdown. Miz reminds him he is under contract and has to do everything he says and it will start tonight in his match with Cena which I am beginning to think is the only match we're even going to have.

Random Commercial Thought: Samuel L. Jackson took time out of his busy lion narration to wish Rock a happy birthday.

Rock is talking to all the divas in the back about singing Happy Birthday to Michelle Obama and that Obama himself gave him the People's Eyebrow. He has a few character interactions with the comedy characters from both shows. They all dress up like The Rock movie characters. Ron Simmons showed up for this. One hour. That's how long. Rock keeps motioning to the gathering for Ron and it takes him a bit but he remembers his line then stares up at the ceiling as if to say "This is what became of my career." Miz and Cena is next.

Random Commercial Thought: These are making up for the lack of commercials in the first half hour I suppose. I always thought Church's and Popeye's were the same company.

Well, we have another hour to possibly have a match. Apparently it's starting off with Miz and Cena. Cena apparently got himself a right-side up belt. God damn. Ten title reigns?

The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. WWE Champion John Cena (WWE Title Match)

The announcers were apparently told to hype up Cena as the second coming of Jesus for this match. They get in-ring introductions for this one. The bell rings and they dance around each other for a bit. Miz works an early headlock and Cena delivers a hip toss into a dropkick for a zero count. Cena nails a bulldog out of the corner follow up to pick up another two. Miz counters and beats Cena into the corner, but he no sells it and just pummels Miz to the mat before punching Riley off the apron. Miz clotheslines Cena down and pounces for punches and kicks until being dragged off by the ref. He continues to hammer Cena before tossing him to the floor, forcing the ref to pull him off again while Riley takes Cena out on the floor. Miz sends Cena into the steps outside. Back in the ring, Miz gets a two count amidst dueling Cena/Sucks chants. Cena eats the hanging clothesline before Miz comes off the top with…a double axe handle? Really? Well be right back to 1940 after this word from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: Are there any green hornets that aren't in Metroid Prime?

Back to the show where Miz is still on Cena only to suddenly eat the general offense. Miz takes the protobomb and five knuckle shuffle, but he escapes the FU and boots Cena hard in the face. Miz acts s if he hurt his shoulder before trying to go after Cena only to be tripped into the STF. Miz makes the ropes and kicks Cena's legs out before hitting a HUGE DDT to Cena when he's on his knees. A neat move, but Cena kicks out at two. Miz exposes a turnbuckle and Cena tries to catch him once more in the FU, but Miz escapes and does something I didn't see for another two count. Miz sets up for his finish, but Cena just strong arms him out of it and throws Miz off into the referee. Miz taps, but the ref is out on the floor. Cena celebrates only to be nailed in the face with the briefcase after Riley runs in and almost eats an FU. Miz delivers the skull crushing finale and the ref is dragged into the ring for a two count. Nice sell /sarcasm.

Cena suddenly spring to life with an FU, but Miz amazingly kicks out of the move at two. Miz crawls to the corner and grabs the belt, but Alex Riley distracts the ref so Miz nails Cena with the belt and picks up the three. Oh, thank God.
Winner: Miz

So. Why did Cena win the match? Oh, wait. When Riley and Miz celebrate and raise their hands, it reveals where they hid the belt as it goes flying out. The ref reverses his decision.
Winner: Cena

Fuck. Fuck me. Miz gets pissed at Riley for the flub and gets up in his face before shoving Riley, but because they can't play this out themselves, Cena revives and FUs both guys. I can smell the funeral pire from here.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate my college's baseball games. If I'm parked there (which is what my fucking classes are next to) and they have game, they can just tow my car.

Back to the show. Rock got a Happy Birthday from Tyler Perry and Madea. Why hasn't the CIA killed him yet? I already used a joke like that, didn't I? King introduces an announcement from Cena that he made at Extreme Rules last night. Apparently he announced Osama Bin Laden's death live. I like how he raised his title afterward as if he won it by killing Bin Laden personally. WWE promises us a tag team match now to make up for things so far. Matthews has taken over in hyping up Del Rio's car for us, I see, but he's apparently not in the match. Del Rio joins us on the microphone in Spanish. I'm sure he's talking about how bullshit it is he's on Raw and Smackdown has no heels now.

Rey Mysterio & US Champion Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre

Uh….okay Drew, you do not stand spread eagle in tiny trunk over a man's ass while he does push ups into your crotch. You just don't do that. Rey starts us off with Swagger as they say Del Rio is scouting his new competition, neglecting to mention that if everyone here is from Smackdown then HE SHOULDN'T NEED TO SCOUT THEM. Dumbasses. Rey beats on Swagger's head in the corner and hit's a bronco buster in the corner before Kofi comes in with leap over Mysterio into mounted punches in the corner. Kofi catches Swagger with a kick, but Drew clotheslines him hard from the outside as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: PS3 it only loses all of your information.

Kofi is still getting worked over by Swagger who charges him from a near tag back into the heel corner. Del Rio says they told him he would be the only Mexican on Raw. Abyss then sued for copyright infringement. Drew tags in and signals his DDT, but Kofi rolls through into a two count. Drew charges him back down into his own pin that just looks silly as he gets two of his own. Kofi tries to fight off both heels when Swagger tags in and just beats his ass down with big clubbing blows. Swagger works a headlock and blocks the tag for Kofi by taking Rey off the apron. Drew tags in and goes to taunting. Does he ever actually wrestle? Kofi starts fighting him off and backflips out of a back suplex to make the tag to Rey. Rey unleashes on Drew and kicks him all around before a sharp kick picks up two when Swagger breaks it up. Drew gets set up for he 619 but Kofi has to dump Swagger out of the way. Kofi crushes Drew with Trouble in Paradise into the 619 and Senton from the top for three.
Winners: Rey & Kofi

Rey dropkicks Alberto off the apron right after the match when he tries to come in. We get a video package about WWE in the Be a Star anti-bullying campaign. Ironically, only Triple H, class A bully, seems to appear there.

Random Commercial Thought: BMX hasn't been cool sing BMX Ninja.

Keeping it classy, WWE reminds us they were the first big event after 9/11. We see Christian in the back with his new belt talking to Rock who congratulates him. Vickie appears. I like how everyone in the background is Z level superstars. She says she and Dolph got him a present and says they all know he loves pie. They wheel a cake out of the way to reveal Mae Young. Oh boy. I love how Dolph even says it's funny because she's old. Rock actually says Mae Young is hotter than Vickie and he's happy to see her. I don't need these images in my head. Oh GOD THE IMAGES ARE REAL! He makes out with her. Somebody wheel her back to the home now.

Rock turns and runs into Cena who says he brought a gift that Rock can only get from him, the WWE title. Cena says he got him the gift of the biggest match in Wrestlemania history and Rock tells him to bring it. Do we have a main event for this show? Because we never announced anything. We see Kane walking through the back and they threaten us with a Kane/Mason Ryan match. I'm beginning to fully understand why my friend said he was sorry for me tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Subway does not count as breakfast.

In case you didn't get enough of Pitbull, you can buy his album. I'll get right on that when I need one fierce beer coaster. CM Punk arrives right off the heels of nothing but losses for as long as anyone can remember with Mason Ryan.

Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk vs. Kane

I thought Kane was still on Smackdown. Shouldn't this be Big Show? Two weeks until the 19th, Kane. You need to start getting crazy. Mason shoves Kane out of a tie up twice, the second time chucking him to the floor. Kane goes to the world's slowest waist lock to headlock. Kane tries to run Ryan down, and eats a clothesline instead. Ryan scoops slams Kane, stalling it to spin around in circles. Ryan chucks Kane into the corners who to his credit sells him despite how slow they are moving. Kane catches him with a boot in the corner and unleashes some uppercuts and a clothesline in the corner. Punk comes in from behind and gets clothesline for the DQ.
Winner: Kane

Kane fights off Otunga and Mike and goes for choke slam on Ryan who just overpowers his hand before Ryan counters into his own side slam finisher. Nexus proceed to beat down on Kane since they are now officially replacing the Corre in this feud. Big Show makes the save and chucks everyone from the ring before being speared by Ryan. Ryan proceeds to stalk off from the carnage while Punk seems to be asking him something.

Random Commercial Thought: That What I Am. Is it supposed to be grammatically incorrect with capitalization?

The Rock joins us as they remind us Fast Five made a shit load of money. Rock asks us if we had a good time. No. No I did not. He says this has been one of the greatest nights in the history of his life, and I have a severely difficult time believing that. We are deep into overtime now. Rock says next year's Wrestlemania will be biggest of all time, which I find to be a bit of a funny thing to say, since you don't have to try hard to top this year's. A camera guy is fired when Vince McMahon arrives, but he's behind a camera crane. Vince thanks Rock for asking him for an opportunity a long time ago. Vince lists off the things he thanks Rock for to "What?" chants. He also thanks him for giving the audience the chance to say what and conducts the in it this time which was kind of funny.

Vince says he got a birthday present ready for Rock and thanks him for coming home. It's a video package of his life to "I'm Coming Home" by some pop singer who I've forgotten the name of. That's a shitty present. I could have made that music video in Windows Movie Maker in just a few minutes. He then gets a birthday song from Maiya, who I don't even know who that is, but apparently he's a multi-platinum artist. Must not take that much to reach that now. Somebody cart out Mick Foley, for God's sake. Okay, you don't need to do the stupid little warble noise in EVERYTHING you sing. It's just Happy Birthday.

Is this show over yet? We're twenty minutes over time. I demand double pay. Double of zero…I need a new contract. He finally gets to do his "If You Smell" and we get streamers and balloons and all sorts of crap some poor sap is going to have to clean up later pouring down. He even gets some fireworks. That's how we end it.

Highlight of the Night: The Rey and Kofi tag match was the only thing worth watching.

Lowlight of the Night: Opening segment was long and really boring. It was just the Rock's solo shtick for something like thirty minutes with no one interesting to play off of. Mason Rayan/Kane was always horrifyingly bad and technically was the last match on the card, meaning we left on a shitty note match-wise. Birthday celebrations are not wrestling.

WWE "Creative" Award: One hour. One HOUR. That is how long it took to have a match. That is unacceptable. You do not put a product on TV focused around a concept that you then don't show for most of your show.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).