Tonight’s three hour show
opens with some confrontation between Miz and Big
Show with Bret Hart who was supposed to declare them
the most awesome. Apparently some retardedly unfair
Gauntlet match earned the Hart Dynasty a title match
tonight. After some words between Bret and ShowMiz,
we get the match underway.
Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. The Hart
Dynasty w/ Bret Hart & Natalia (Tag Team Title
Miz starts off with
Tyson and they work some basic holds until Miz
elbows his way out. King and Stryker exchange words
about how lame Stryker’s wrestling career is and so
he isn’t really an authority on being a star. Tyson
flips out of arm bar and comes back with some
impressive offensive and dropkicks. Smith tags in
and stalls a suplex for quite some time on Miz. Hart
does a nice little call for cheers from the audience
before putting him down for two. Good little
character moment there. Miz dives to the floor and
tells off Natalia who is up in face, turning into a
big clothesline from Smith behind him as we go o
Random Commercial Thought: Iron
King would strike fear into crime.
the show where Big Show makes a tag and just runs
Tyson over with a big kick after Tyson dodges a lot
of other attacks. Tyson is hoisted high into the air
for a double handed choke toss. Tyson is tossed into
the corner for some chest slaps. Show taunts Hart
while he stands on Tyson’s back. Show keeps standing
on Tyson and throwing him about. The announcers make
a funny comment that Show outweighs Tyson by the
weight of Kane. Are they saying he ate Kane? OH MY
GOD. Miz tags in but Tyson flips over with a sunset
flip for a quick two count. Miz tries to finish him
off with a quick slam for two. Miz decides after
devastating Tyson he should let him get back in the
game with a headlock. Tyson tries an enziguiri to
stop Miz from preventing a tag, but misses only to
kick him off anyway. Smith tags in and crushes Miz
in the corner with a clothesline.
counters a running power slam and Miz rolls him up
for two but Smith counters to a schoolboy for two.
Miz tries a back slide but it’s blocked and a power
slam from Smith gets two. Show threatens to come in
the ring and is run off. Smith runs into a big boot
from Miz who puts his feet on the ropes but Hart
tosses his feet off. Show chases Hart only for Tyson
to flip in with a senton. Smith and Tyson make the
tag nd deliver the Hart Attack and Tyson locks on a
Sharpshooter for the tap out victory.
I have to say it was an
impressive tag team match. It had all the classic
features of old style tag team wrestling and the
rowd really got behind the Dynasty. Hart hugs
Natalia while Stryker screams in rage that this is a
travesty of justice by Hart stopping Miz from
cheating. Sometimes it’s hard for a heel announcer
to convincingly make an excuse for something and
that is one of those instances. I wholeheartedly
approved of this match.
Thought: Heroes don’t do evil things. Just saying.
Back to the show with a replay of Cena winning a
last man standing match by duct taping Batista to
the ring post. We then find out during the break
that Big Show knocked Miz out with a big right hand
after the match. Good showmanship. We then get a
video package about Sheamus almost beating Triple H
by forfeit after attacking early and winning anyway
when Trips tries to come out and fight anyway. This
is mostly done because nobody ever watches Extreme
Rules and we needed to kill as much time on this
longer show as humanly possible. We get our super
serious voices over Trips’ condition before Jack
Swagger is approached in the back by Josh Matthews.
Swagger cuts an awkward promo about being able to
save the economy like he’s JBL or something. Edge
comes up to say he’s next in line for the title and
says if Swagger doesn’t get drafted to Raw, he’ll be
giving he title to him.
And now, Michelle
McCool, Layla and Vickie on heir way for a diva tag
match which will decide a Diva’s draft pick.
Absolutely no one cares.
Thought: If the ball bursts suddenly into a spray of
water, is it still considered in play?
to the show with footage of Eve becoming one of the
most undeserving women’s champions of all time. Even
the replay footage didn’t make her look good.
Speaking of her here she comes with Maryse.
Eve starts off in the ring and does poorly as ever
only to end up going for a tag to Maryse. Maryse
refuses so they brawl on the outside and the ref
starts a countout. Eve crawls back in after taking
Maryse out and gets dropkicked by Layla on her way
back in for two. McCool tags in and continues to
beat Eve down with a weak looking headlock. McCool
over screams everything for no reason as Eve
counters by flipping out into a slam for two. Maryse
forces a tag on Eve when she looks to be ready to
make a come back and taunts her as she comes in,
allowing McCool to crush Maryse from behind for the
The draft pick
goes to Smackdown and they pick up Kelly Kelly.
Whoo? Yep, urge to care falling…
Commercial Thought: All heroes get the hot black
the show for Evan Bourne to wrestle for the draft
pick. He’s taking on CM Punk.
rushes Bourne into the corner, till sporting all of
his hair, including beard. Big crowd rallying for
Punk actually here. Bourne gets stomped into the
corner and caught trying to deliver kicks. Punk
kicks his back repeatedly against the ropes. Bourne
tries to rally back but a side dropkick by Punk
picks up a two count. Stryker has a funny exchange
with Cole about using Fifth Amendment jokes and Punk
fails a suplex. Bourne chops him in the face and
some running clotheslines and dropkicks get a two
count. Bourne taunts a body dive onto Punk but
the Society blocks so he stops…then does it anyway.
Back in the ring, Punk take a spinning mule kick
from Bourne, or should I call it a backleg front
kick? Air Bourne is set up but Serena distracts
while some hoodie wearing motherfucker from the
Society trips him up for GTS.
The society hires ninjas? Big Show conveniently gets
drafted after annihilating his partner so that he
will have absolutely no repercussions.
Random Commercial Thought: I still can’t believe
they made a sandwich entirely out of chicken.
Back to the show where they decide we need a recap
of the whole two draft picks so far. Teddy Long
gushes to Big Show about how awesome it is to get
him. He offers a hand which is ignored. Big Show
then just hugs him and walks away and teddy does a
dance to celebrate. Okay. That was kind of funny. Oh
look, Sheamus. And all the joy has no been sucked
out of the room. Sheamus says he wants the title
back and challenges John Cena but is interrupted by
Randy Orton. They talk about which of them is more
deserving and Orton threatens to drop him with an
RKO but Sheamus says he doesn’t deal with losers.
Cena decides to interrupt things. Cena introduces
tonight’s guest host. We have one? Cena does a dance
and nothing happens. So he does it again. Nothing.
Someone then calls him on his iPhone to let him know
there isn’t one. And by someone call him, I mean
that doesn’t happen and he pretends to get a call
saying the host went to the NFL draft. He calls
Sheamus a jar of mayonnaise with eyeballs and a
ketchup hair cut. I approve of this description.
Apparently Cena was told he has the ability to
announce a #1 Contender tonight. He makes Sheamus
vs. Orton and walks off. I’m shocked. Sheamus
attacks Orton who dodges into an RKO but Sheamus
shove shim off and slips free.
We see a
Smackdown five man team heading through the back for
a 3-pick match as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: The Pacific should be about the
Indian Ocean just to catch everyone off guard.
Back to the show. Team Smackdown is R-Truth
(Recoevered from exploding), Drew McIntyre, Rey,
Kane and Shad. Raw is bringing MVP, Henry, Santino,
Tatusu, and Dibiase who is still toting his Million
Dollar Belt. Santino takes Team captain against
Mysterio and then Kane until he’s decked by Kane.
Team Raw vs. Team Smackdown (Team Elimination Battle
So it’s an over the top
match here but with teams. Drew is tossed out by
trying to eliminate Tatsu who hands on but Shad runs
Tatsu down from behind. Santino winds up on Shad and
Dibaise provides some back up but Shad beats them
both down. R-Truth tries to eliminate Santino while
he oversells everything like a brick. Henry
approaches from behind and head butts Truth for the
save. Mysterio hangs Henry on the rope to save
himself and Kane runs him down against the ropes.
MVP attacks Kane from behind and Santino gets
gang-banged in the corner by some black gang
violence from Smackdown. Shad and Truth try to
eliminate Henry while Dibiase almost tosses Rey who
hangs on just barely and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Run away!
the show where Raw immediately eliminates everyone.
Santino actually dumps two guys trying to put
Dibaise out. Kane choke slams a celebrating Santino
and Henry almost dumps Kane only for a 619 by
Mysterio to allow Kane to take him out from behind.
Santino ducks Kane, ending him charging to the
floor. Dibiase faces off with Rey while Santino
recovers, flattening Rey with a clothesline. Ted
gets some kicks from Rey and a springboard moonsault
is caught. He tries to chuck Rey but he skins the
cat and sentons Dibiase. Dibaise blocks a monkey
flip but Rey head scissors him. Dibaise hangs on as
well. Good exchange here, really makes Ted look
legit finally. Rey hang son through another slamming
clothesline, catching the bottom rope and too short
to hit the floor. Dibiase bocks yet another
headscissor and saves himself as well but they start
fighting on the pron. Dibaise charges and smacks the
ring post when Rey dodges. Rey charges and Dibaise
to block and toss him to the floor.
I have to say Ted really looked
strong there. Santino celebrates like he just did
something as Dibiase stares at him so he delivers
Dream Street. First, Raw picks up John Morrison then
R-Truth. Oh damnit. Do I have to keep hearing that
stupid What’s Up shit? Third pick is Edge making his
return to Raw for the first time in quite a while. I
can’t say I’m excited as he can really only end up
wrestling Cena again at this point when he actually
had so much potential for other matches on Smackdown
Random Commercial Thought: Pokemon
Black and White. Nope. No racial tension there.
We get a replay of Jericho being beaten on NXT as he
is soon headed out for a draft pick match. He
demands that Edge be suspended immediately because
he is too good to lose to anybody there. Which
doesn’t explain why he isn’t undefeated by whatever.
He says he was also off his game at the PPV for
losing to the rookie on NXT. He demands that Slater
come apologize and he does come out to taunt him
since Christian is his Pro. Christian arrives and
Slater tosses Jericho to the floor, ditching out the
other side of the ring when Jericho chases him.
Christian w/ Heath Slater vs. Chris
Christian starts off with some
chops and working on the injured leg of Jericho. A
baseball slide by Christian is more like a giant
leaping dropkick through the ropes as we cut to
Random Commercial Thought:
Cheetohs will infest the world and conquer us all.
Back to the match. Jericho has a chinlock on
Christian, having back body dropped Christian to the
floor during the break. Christian rolls Jericho up
for two and eats a clothesline for two of Jericho’s
own. Okay show, enough fucking replays in the middle
of the match now. They just replayed Jericho being
tossed to the floor as well. Jericho works Christian
over some more and taunts Slater on the floor.
Jericho taunts the audience as a cheer for Christian
builds. Scoop slam from Jericho as he continues to
get more pissed. A sloppy lionsault bombs and
Christian rallies. Christian delivers a flying
reverse elbow and signals the Killswitch. Jericho
blocks with a donkey punch and a drop toe hold by
Christian set sup some standing on Jericho over the
ropes and the uppercut from the floor. That needs a
name, it’s hard to describe. Jericho counters a top
rope dropkick with the Walls, but it’s counters into
a small package for two.
Jericho knocks Christian flat for another two count.
Jericho starts kicking Christian around and
delivering head butts. Christian counters the
bulldog into a reverse DDT for a two count.
Christian signals another Killswitch. Again it is
blocked with a roll up into the Walls. Christian
kicks free, but Jericho flips him into the corner.
Christian comes out of the corner with a sunset flip
for two which Jericho rolls out of into the Walls
and finally locks it in. Heels do not win by
submission. Christian stretches to the ropes and of
course Jericho celebrates like he always does when
this happens. Doesn’t he not hear the bell?
Retarded. Jericho rushes back at Christian right
into a straight arm to the chin. Christian climbs up
top and jumps right into the Code Breaker.
Good match really. I have no
complaints. There has been some exceptionally good
wrestling on tonight’s show. Smackdown evens the
picks out with this next one, if you can consider
Kelly Kelly a person. Slater gets raped by Jericho’s
code breaker while checking on Christian after the
match and the pick is revealed. Smackdown picks up
Kofi Kingston. Aw, well that sucks. Kingston rushes
the ring and crushes Jericho with Trouble in
Paradise right away. They reveal Morrison will take
on Swagger for a draft pick, since apparently they
just randomly pick the superstars to wrestle.
Otherwise Smackdown would have fought itself for a
draft pick from itself.
Thought: Nightmare on Elm street coming out this
Friday. Will probably hurt my childhood memories.
Back to the show with a replay of the tag team title
match win earlier in the night for no real reason
other than killing some time. John Morrison makes
his way out to take on Swagger.
World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. John
Morrison (Non-Title Match)
just dominates right away, hammering Morrison into
the corner with big punches to the back. A big belly
to back suplex from Swagger but he hold son, rolling
through and working a waist lock. Morrison tries to
squirms free but Swagger keeps him grounded,
taunting and slapping the back of the head before
her lets Morrison up. Morrison is up with a big
angry punch and he dodges a running kick. A wheel
kick crushes Swagger for two. Morrison decides to
work an arm bar on Swagger like he’s going to
outwrestle him. Swagger eventually breaks free and
works a headlock in response. They roll around
awkwardly trying to both use headlocks at the same
time. The crowd seems confused by the concept of mat
wrestling existing. Swagger sets up on Morrison but
he leaps up from prone and delivers a dropkick. A
corkscrew crushes Swagger on the floor and back in
the ring he gets two.
Swagger eats a boot in
the corner, but he tackles Morrison through the
ropes which was hard to see because of the third
stupid replay on the screen squishing the video.
Morrison hangs from the ropes as we go back to
Random Commercial Thought:
MacGruber is still the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
MacGyver was 25 fucking years ago. It’s not
Back to the show. Swagger
is still wearing Morrison down. He picks Morrison up
on his shoulders for apparently an electric chair
drop but John rolls through for two. On the apron,
Morrison takes the worse of an exchange and an
abdominal stretch from Swagger is put on Morrison
tied up in the ropes. Nice. Swagger taunts and hauls
Morrison to the corner for more beating. Morrison
fights back with some kicks but Swagger keeps the
pressure on and puts Morrison up top. Morrison
fights back and kicks him off. Swagger dodges a
tornado DDT, but Morrison lands on his feet and
comes back with some strikes before the Code Red
picks up a two count. That’s cool but I miss the
break dance leg drop. Hip toss by Swagger takes
control of the match again. Swagger misses his
slingshot body splash but catches himself only to be
tossed into the corner but Morrison into a roll up
for two. Flying round house kick from Morrison sets
up another running kick to a seated Swagger
Amazing match so far as Swagger
makes the ropes to stop that count. Swagger takes a
trip to the floor. Morrison tosses Swagger into the
ring wall and back in the ring he’s shoved off into
the rope for a sweet set up to the gut wrench, but
Morrison catches the rope in mid flip. Morrison goes
for Starship Pain and Swagger blocks it, dragging
Morrison off into the gut wrench for the win.
Now that was a fucking World
Champion level match. I have had so little bad
things to say about this show, I’m surprised, but it
really is some of wrestling’s finest on display
Random Commercial Thought: Is he
firing the fireworks out of his dick?
run down the picks that have happened so far tonight
as we come back but it’s time to reveal the pick
from the last match in Christian going to Smackdown
which I disappointing with Edge having come to Raw.
Dibaise talks to R-Truth in the back who is still
looking great after exploding. Dibaise suggest Truth
be his Virgil basically. Truth even brings it up
that he wants a Virgil. He says he is nothing like
his father, despite the name….belt…some of the same
moves…a slave. Dibiase says he wants to pay Truth a
lot of money to do it and Truth seems to be okay
with the money aspect. He says to give him some time
to think about it then bitch slaps him in the face
to say Truth Don’t Play Dat. What, is he Homie the
Random Commercial Thought: At subway,
there is something for everyone. Crack addicts come
Back to the show where as Dolph
Ziggler comes out, the signal entirely freezes for
some reason and I have to stare at his greasy
pectorals for a disturbingly long amount of time
before the screen just goes black. Seriously. It
seems to be an issue with USA as all my other
stations work just fine. Because of this I have
decided to recap the match I think might have
Dilph Ziggler vs. Dr. McNinja
Ziggler starts off the match by suplexing McNinja,
which turns out to just be a log sittin gin the
middle of the ring. The doctor reappears on the top
turnbuckle and promptly decapitates Ziggler with a
flying katana chop.
There was much rejoicing.
Seriously though, I have no
idea what happened, so I’ll be finishing this
article as soon as I can find out. It turns out it
was Hornswoggle beating him by count out. I am so
happy I didn’t see that. It made this the best show
ever. Jericho was drafted back to Raw so we can
finally stop hearing him say he isn’t going to be on
Raw while on Raw.
I get the signal back right
at the end of the show as Batista is crushing
Sheamus and Orton on the outside. Apparently this is
a triple Threat match for the contendership. Batista
rolls Sheamus into the ring and picks up a two
count. Sheamus clotheslines Batista to the floor and
Orton staggers into the ring so he can take his turn
and eat a back breaker for two. Sheamus works a lame
rest hold and even King points out how stupid this
is while he has Orton alone. King points out the
hold is not a true submission and Stryker tries to
retardedly argue it is one. Orton powers back while
Batista comes back and Orton light sup on everyone,
powerslamming Batista. Sheamus is set up for the
suspended DDT but Sheamus escapes and dump Orton to
the floor to eat a clothesline from Batista. A bit
of an odd, single arm power bomb from Batista and
the count is blocked by Orton dragging Batista to
the floor. He slams Dave to the stairs and covers
for his own two count
before catching the
suspended DDT on Batista. Orton seems torn and
decides to signal an RKO on Batista but Sheamus
knees Orton in the side of the head.
Apparently the move Sheamus has is called Pale
Justice, which is the worst thing I think you could
possibly call it since the character would never
name his hold that if HE HATES BEING CALLED PALE AND
PASTY. Sheamus eats a spear before he finishes Orton
and it only gets two. Orton kicks Batista in the
head and RKOs Sheamus. Edge then comes out and
spears Orton. Um. The ref doesn’t care I guess?
Batista gets an arm on Orton for the three. Edge
looks so smug in accomplishing nothing for himself.
They talk about Edge’s history with Orton…what
Oh yay. I wanted
to see this match again. Not.
Highlight of the Night: I
think it should go to my imaginary match, but I
actually have a hard time choosing. I would have to
give it to the Morrison and Swagger match but the
Battle Royal is a close second.
Lowlight of the Night: The show
going off the air for me for almost thirty minutes.
Seriously, what the fuck, cable? But then again, it
saved me from a Hornswoggle match.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Batista and Cena AGAIN? What the fuck?! There is no
excuse for recycling this more right now.