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RAW RANT:
(04/26/10)
By Cameron Burge

Tonight’s three hour show opens with some confrontation between Miz and Big Show with Bret Hart who was supposed to declare them the most awesome. Apparently some retardedly unfair Gauntlet match earned the Hart Dynasty a title match tonight. After some words between Bret and ShowMiz, we get the match underway.

Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. The Hart Dynasty w/ Bret Hart & Natalia (Tag Team Title Match)

Miz starts off with Tyson and they work some basic holds until Miz elbows his way out. King and Stryker exchange words about how lame Stryker’s wrestling career is and so he isn’t really an authority on being a star. Tyson flips out of arm bar and comes back with some impressive offensive and dropkicks. Smith tags in and stalls a suplex for quite some time on Miz. Hart does a nice little call for cheers from the audience before putting him down for two. Good little character moment there. Miz dives to the floor and tells off Natalia who is up in face, turning into a big clothesline from Smith behind him as we go o commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Iron King would strike fear into crime.

Back to the show where Big Show makes a tag and just runs Tyson over with a big kick after Tyson dodges a lot of other attacks. Tyson is hoisted high into the air for a double handed choke toss. Tyson is tossed into the corner for some chest slaps. Show taunts Hart while he stands on Tyson’s back. Show keeps standing on Tyson and throwing him about. The announcers make a funny comment that Show outweighs Tyson by the weight of Kane. Are they saying he ate Kane? OH MY GOD. Miz tags in but Tyson flips over with a sunset flip for a quick two count. Miz tries to finish him off with a quick slam for two. Miz decides after devastating Tyson he should let him get back in the game with a headlock. Tyson tries an enziguiri to stop Miz from preventing a tag, but misses only to kick him off anyway. Smith tags in and crushes Miz in the corner with a clothesline.

Miz counters a running power slam and Miz rolls him up for two but Smith counters to a schoolboy for two. Miz tries a back slide but it’s blocked and a power slam from Smith gets two. Show threatens to come in the ring and is run off. Smith runs into a big boot from Miz who puts his feet on the ropes but Hart tosses his feet off. Show chases Hart only for Tyson to flip in with a senton. Smith and Tyson make the tag nd deliver the Hart Attack and Tyson locks on a Sharpshooter for the tap out victory.
Winners: Hart Dynasty

I have to say it was an impressive tag team match. It had all the classic features of old style tag team wrestling and the rowd really got behind the Dynasty. Hart hugs Natalia while Stryker screams in rage that this is a travesty of justice by Hart stopping Miz from cheating. Sometimes it’s hard for a heel announcer to convincingly make an excuse for something and that is one of those instances. I wholeheartedly approved of this match.

Random Commercial Thought: Heroes don’t do evil things. Just saying.

Back to the show with a replay of Cena winning a last man standing match by duct taping Batista to the ring post. We then find out during the break that Big Show knocked Miz out with a big right hand after the match. Good showmanship. We then get a video package about Sheamus almost beating Triple H by forfeit after attacking early and winning anyway when Trips tries to come out and fight anyway. This is mostly done because nobody ever watches Extreme Rules and we needed to kill as much time on this longer show as humanly possible. We get our super serious voices over Trips’ condition before Jack Swagger is approached in the back by Josh Matthews. Swagger cuts an awkward promo about being able to save the economy like he’s JBL or something. Edge comes up to say he’s next in line for the title and says if Swagger doesn’t get drafted to Raw, he’ll be giving he title to him.

And now, Michelle McCool, Layla and Vickie on heir way for a diva tag match which will decide a Diva’s draft pick. Absolutely no one cares.

Random Commercial Thought: If the ball bursts suddenly into a spray of water, is it still considered in play?

Back to the show with footage of Eve becoming one of the most undeserving women’s champions of all time. Even the replay footage didn’t make her look good. Speaking of her here she comes with Maryse.

Eve starts off in the ring and does poorly as ever only to end up going for a tag to Maryse. Maryse refuses so they brawl on the outside and the ref starts a countout. Eve crawls back in after taking Maryse out and gets dropkicked by Layla on her way back in for two. McCool tags in and continues to beat Eve down with a weak looking headlock. McCool over screams everything for no reason as Eve counters by flipping out into a slam for two. Maryse forces a tag on Eve when she looks to be ready to make a come back and taunts her as she comes in, allowing McCool to crush Maryse from behind for the three.
Winners: Smackdown

The draft pick goes to Smackdown and they pick up Kelly Kelly. Whoo? Yep, urge to care falling…

Random Commercial Thought: All heroes get the hot black chicks.

Back to the show for Evan Bourne to wrestle for the draft pick. He’s taking on CM Punk.

Punk rushes Bourne into the corner, till sporting all of his hair, including beard. Big crowd rallying for Punk actually here. Bourne gets stomped into the corner and caught trying to deliver kicks. Punk kicks his back repeatedly against the ropes. Bourne tries to rally back but a side dropkick by Punk picks up a two count. Stryker has a funny exchange with Cole about using Fifth Amendment jokes and Punk fails a suplex. Bourne chops him in the face and some running clotheslines and dropkicks get a two count. Bourne  taunts a body dive onto Punk but the Society blocks so he stops…then does it anyway. Back in the ring, Punk take a spinning mule kick from Bourne, or should I call it a backleg front kick? Air Bourne is set up but Serena distracts while some hoodie wearing motherfucker from the Society trips him up for GTS.
Winner: Punk

The society hires ninjas? Big Show conveniently gets drafted after annihilating his partner so that he will have absolutely no repercussions.

Random Commercial Thought: I still can’t believe they made a sandwich entirely out of chicken.

Back to the show where they decide we need a recap of the whole two draft picks so far. Teddy Long gushes to Big Show about how awesome it is to get him. He offers a hand which is ignored. Big Show then just hugs him and walks away and teddy does a dance to celebrate. Okay. That was kind of funny. Oh look, Sheamus. And all the joy has no been sucked out of the room. Sheamus says he wants the title back and challenges John Cena but is interrupted by Randy Orton. They talk about which of them is more deserving and Orton threatens to drop him with an RKO but Sheamus says he doesn’t deal with losers. Cena decides to interrupt things. Cena introduces tonight’s guest host. We have one? Cena does a dance and nothing happens. So he does it again. Nothing. Someone then calls him on his iPhone to let him know there isn’t one. And by someone call him, I mean that doesn’t happen and he pretends to get a call saying the host went to the NFL draft. He calls
 Sheamus a jar of mayonnaise with eyeballs and a ketchup hair cut. I approve of this description. Apparently Cena was told he has the ability to announce a #1 Contender tonight. He makes Sheamus vs. Orton and walks off. I’m shocked. Sheamus attacks Orton who dodges into an RKO but Sheamus shove shim off and slips free.

We see a Smackdown five man team heading through the back for a 3-pick match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Pacific should be about the Indian Ocean just to catch everyone off guard.

Back to the show. Team Smackdown is R-Truth (Recoevered from exploding), Drew McIntyre, Rey, Kane and Shad. Raw is bringing MVP, Henry, Santino, Tatusu, and Dibiase who is still toting his Million Dollar Belt. Santino takes Team captain against Mysterio and then Kane until he’s decked by Kane.

Team Raw vs. Team Smackdown (Team Elimination Battle Royal Match)

So it’s an over the top match here but with teams. Drew is tossed out by trying to eliminate Tatsu who hands on but Shad runs Tatsu down from behind. Santino winds up on Shad and Dibaise provides some back up but Shad beats them both down. R-Truth tries to eliminate Santino while he oversells everything like a brick. Henry approaches from behind and head butts Truth for the save. Mysterio hangs Henry on the rope to save himself and Kane runs him down against the ropes. MVP attacks Kane from behind and Santino gets gang-banged in the corner by some black gang violence from Smackdown. Shad and Truth try to eliminate Henry while Dibiase almost tosses Rey who hangs on just barely and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Run away!

Back to the show where Raw immediately eliminates everyone. Santino actually dumps two guys trying to put Dibaise out. Kane choke slams a celebrating Santino and Henry  almost dumps Kane only for a 619 by Mysterio to allow Kane to take him out from behind. Santino ducks Kane, ending him charging to the floor. Dibiase faces off with Rey while Santino recovers, flattening Rey with a clothesline. Ted gets some kicks from Rey and a springboard moonsault is caught. He tries to chuck Rey but he skins the cat and sentons Dibiase. Dibaise blocks a monkey flip but Rey head scissors him. Dibaise hangs on as well. Good exchange here, really makes Ted look legit finally. Rey hang son through another slamming clothesline, catching the bottom rope and too short to hit the floor. Dibiase bocks yet another headscissor and saves himself as well but they start fighting on the pron. Dibaise charges and smacks the ring post when Rey dodges. Rey charges and Dibaise manages
 to block and toss him to the floor.
Winners: Raw

I have to say Ted really looked strong there. Santino celebrates like he just did something as Dibiase stares at him so he delivers Dream Street. First, Raw picks up John Morrison then R-Truth. Oh damnit. Do I have to keep hearing that stupid What’s Up shit? Third pick is Edge making his return to Raw for the first time in quite a while. I can’t say I’m excited as he can really only end up wrestling Cena again at this point when he actually had so much potential for other matches on Smackdown still.

Random Commercial Thought: Pokemon Black and White. Nope. No racial tension there.

We get a replay of Jericho being beaten on NXT as he is soon headed out for a draft pick match. He demands that Edge be suspended immediately because he is too good to lose to anybody there. Which doesn’t explain why he isn’t undefeated by whatever. He says he was also off his game at the PPV for losing to the rookie on NXT. He demands that Slater come apologize and he does come out to taunt him since Christian is his Pro. Christian arrives and Slater tosses Jericho to the floor, ditching out the other side of the ring when Jericho chases him.

Christian w/ Heath Slater vs. Chris Jericho

Christian starts off with some chops and working on the injured leg of Jericho. A baseball slide by Christian is more like a giant leaping dropkick through the ropes as we cut to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Cheetohs will infest the world and conquer us all.

Back to the match. Jericho has a chinlock on Christian, having back body dropped Christian to the floor during the break. Christian rolls Jericho up for two and eats a clothesline for two of Jericho’s own. Okay show, enough fucking replays in the middle of the match now. They just replayed Jericho being tossed to the floor as well. Jericho works Christian over some more and taunts Slater on the floor. Jericho taunts the audience as a cheer for Christian builds. Scoop slam from Jericho as he continues to get more pissed. A sloppy lionsault bombs and Christian rallies. Christian  delivers a flying reverse elbow and signals the Killswitch. Jericho blocks with a donkey punch and a drop toe hold by Christian set sup some standing on Jericho over the ropes and the uppercut from the floor. That needs a name, it’s hard to describe. Jericho counters a top rope dropkick with the Walls, but it’s counters into a small package for two.

Enziguiri from Jericho knocks Christian flat for another two count. Jericho starts kicking Christian around and delivering head butts. Christian counters the bulldog into a reverse DDT for a two count. Christian signals another Killswitch. Again it is blocked with a roll up into the Walls. Christian kicks free, but Jericho flips him into the corner. Christian comes out of the corner with a sunset flip for two which Jericho rolls out of into the Walls and finally locks it in. Heels do not win by submission. Christian stretches to the ropes and of course Jericho celebrates like he always does when this happens. Doesn’t he not hear the bell? Retarded. Jericho rushes back at Christian right into a straight arm to the chin. Christian climbs up top and jumps right into the Code Breaker.
Winner: Jericho

Good match really. I have no complaints. There has been some exceptionally good wrestling on tonight’s show. Smackdown evens the picks out with this next one, if you can consider Kelly Kelly a person. Slater gets raped by Jericho’s code breaker while checking on Christian after the match and the pick is revealed. Smackdown picks up Kofi Kingston. Aw, well that sucks. Kingston rushes the ring and crushes Jericho with Trouble in Paradise right away. They reveal Morrison will take on Swagger for a draft pick, since apparently they just randomly pick the superstars to wrestle. Otherwise Smackdown would have fought itself for a draft pick from itself.

Random Commercial Thought: Nightmare on Elm street coming out this Friday. Will probably hurt my childhood memories.

Back to the show with a replay of the tag team title match win earlier in the night for no real reason other than killing some time. John Morrison makes his way out to take on Swagger.

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. John Morrison (Non-Title Match)

Swagger just dominates right away, hammering Morrison into the corner with big punches to the back. A big belly to back suplex from Swagger but he hold son, rolling through and working a waist lock. Morrison tries to squirms free but Swagger keeps him grounded, taunting and slapping the back of the head before her lets Morrison up. Morrison is up with a big angry punch and he dodges a running kick. A wheel kick crushes Swagger for two. Morrison decides to work an arm bar on Swagger like he’s going to outwrestle him. Swagger eventually breaks free and works a headlock in response. They roll around awkwardly trying to both use headlocks at the same time. The crowd seems confused by the concept of mat wrestling existing. Swagger sets up on Morrison but he leaps up from prone and delivers a dropkick. A corkscrew crushes Swagger on the floor and back in the ring he gets two.

Swagger eats a boot in the corner, but he tackles Morrison through the ropes which was hard to see because of the third stupid replay on the screen squishing the video. Morrison hangs from the ropes as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: MacGruber is still the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. MacGyver was 25 fucking years ago. It’s not relevant, people.

Back to the show. Swagger is still wearing Morrison down. He picks Morrison up on his shoulders for apparently an electric chair drop but John rolls through for two. On the apron, Morrison takes the worse of an exchange and an abdominal stretch from Swagger is put on Morrison tied up in the ropes. Nice. Swagger taunts and hauls Morrison to the corner for more beating. Morrison fights back with some kicks but Swagger keeps the pressure on and puts Morrison up top. Morrison fights back and kicks him off. Swagger dodges a tornado DDT, but Morrison lands on his feet and comes back with some strikes before the Code Red picks up a two count. That’s cool but I miss the break dance leg drop. Hip toss by Swagger takes control of the match again. Swagger misses his slingshot body splash but catches himself only to be tossed into the corner but Morrison into a roll up for two. Flying round house kick from Morrison sets up another running kick to a seated Swagger
 for two again.

Amazing match so far as Swagger makes the ropes to stop that count. Swagger takes a trip to the floor. Morrison tosses Swagger into the ring wall and back in the ring he’s shoved off into the rope for a sweet set up to the gut wrench, but Morrison catches the rope in mid flip. Morrison goes for Starship Pain and Swagger blocks it, dragging Morrison off into the gut wrench for the win.
Winner: Swagger

Now that was a fucking World Champion level match. I have had so little bad things to say about this show, I’m surprised, but it really is some of wrestling’s finest on display tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Is he firing the fireworks out of his dick?

They run down the picks that have happened so far tonight as we come back but it’s time to reveal the pick from the last match in Christian going to Smackdown which I disappointing with Edge having come to Raw. Dibaise talks to R-Truth in the back who is still looking great after exploding. Dibaise suggest Truth be his Virgil basically. Truth even brings it up that he wants a Virgil. He says he is nothing like his father, despite the name….belt…some of the same moves…a slave. Dibiase says he wants to pay Truth a lot of money to do it and Truth seems to be okay with the money aspect. He says to give him some time to think about it then bitch slaps him in the face to say Truth Don’t Play Dat. What, is he Homie the Clown?

Random Commercial Thought: At subway, there is something for everyone. Crack addicts come on in!

Back to the show where as Dolph Ziggler comes out, the signal entirely freezes for some reason and I have to stare at his greasy pectorals for a disturbingly long amount of time before the screen just goes black. Seriously. It seems to be an issue with USA as all my other stations work just fine. Because of this I have decided to recap the match I think might have happened.

Dilph Ziggler vs. Dr. McNinja

Ziggler starts off the match by suplexing McNinja, which turns out to just be a log sittin gin the middle of the ring. The doctor reappears on the top turnbuckle and promptly decapitates Ziggler with a flying katana chop.

There was much rejoicing.
Winner: McNinja

Seriously though, I have no idea what happened, so I’ll be finishing this article as soon as I can find out. It turns out it was Hornswoggle beating him by count out. I am so happy I didn’t see that. It made this the best show ever. Jericho was drafted back to Raw so we can finally stop hearing him say he isn’t going to be on Raw while on Raw.

I get the signal back right at the end of the show as Batista is crushing Sheamus and Orton on the outside. Apparently this is a triple Threat match for the contendership. Batista rolls Sheamus into the ring and picks up a two count. Sheamus clotheslines Batista to the floor and Orton staggers into the ring so he can take his turn and eat a back breaker for two. Sheamus works a lame rest hold and even King points out how stupid this is while he has Orton alone. King points out the hold is not a true submission and Stryker tries to retardedly argue it is one. Orton powers back while Batista comes back and Orton light sup on everyone, powerslamming Batista. Sheamus is set up for the suspended DDT but Sheamus escapes and dump Orton to the floor to eat a clothesline from Batista. A bit of an odd, single arm power bomb from Batista and the count is blocked by Orton dragging Batista to the floor. He slams Dave to the stairs and covers for his own two count
 before catching the suspended DDT on Batista. Orton seems torn and decides to signal an RKO on Batista but Sheamus knees Orton in the side of the head.

Apparently the move Sheamus has is called Pale Justice, which is the worst thing I think you could possibly call it since the character would never name his hold that if HE HATES BEING CALLED PALE AND PASTY. Sheamus eats a spear before he finishes Orton and it only gets two. Orton kicks Batista in the head and RKOs Sheamus. Edge then comes out and spears Orton. Um. The ref doesn’t care I guess? Batista gets an arm on Orton for the three. Edge looks so smug in accomplishing nothing for himself. They talk about Edge’s history with Orton…what history?
Winner: Batista

Oh yay. I wanted to see this match again. Not.

Highlight of the Night: I think it should go to my imaginary match, but I actually have a hard time choosing. I would have to give it to the Morrison and Swagger match but the Battle Royal is a close second.

Lowlight of the Night: The show going off the air for me for almost thirty minutes. Seriously, what the fuck, cable? But then again, it saved me from a Hornswoggle match.

WWE “Creative” Award: Batista and Cena AGAIN? What the fuck?! There is no excuse for recycling this more right now.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).