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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

April 25, 2011


The show opens with a battle royal. It's terrible.

Smackdown vs. Raw Battle Royal

These things are impossible to recap. Suffice to ay that the big moments is all I'm going to cover. They decide to dump Kane and Khali early by group efforts so that Big Show is the lone big man. Vladimir Kozlov gets eliminated with no mention whatsoever almost. Brodus Clay wins the most useless piece of shit award for this match. Cole is trying to explain away the draft mess up he did last week, saying he could be drafted as a wrestler this year. I can only hope that would mean he leaves Raw. The announcers talk about big draft moments like riple H being drafted to Smackdown as a champion….and being drafted back within twenty four hours. They go to commercial with just a few guys left for some reason because this needs to be longer I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: Free tacos.

Back to the show where Santino tries to hit Big Show with the cobra while on the apron. Big Show grabs his hand and makes him hit himself with the cobra. Daniel Bryan gets eliminated by Big Show and e come down to Bourne, Kingston, Show, and Mason Ryan. They pair the big guys up who do nothing while Kofi and Evan do awesome shit. Evan takes out Kofi with a heel kick and Big show tosses Bourne into Mason. Bourne leaps off of Mason Ryan into Show, bit Show catches him in mid air and chucks him to the floor. Ryan gets attacked by Kingston and they team up to eliminate him.
Winners: Smackdown

And the winner is….John Cena. He hasn't been drafted in years. Cole flips the fuck out, because he's forgotten which show he is fucking on.

Random Commercial Thought: Green Lantern looks schizophrenic.

As we return, Cena makes as many sci-fi jokes as he can when we return and claims he will bring the WWE title to Smackdown by winning at Extreme Rules. Miz says after he retains, he'll be glad to not actually b able to see Cena anymore. We then see R-Truth beat up Morrison again in sepia tone which somehow makes it dramatic. Truth joins us at ringside to say the rapping and dancing is bullshit and people need singing and dancing lessons. I still think Morrison looks like the dick bag in this angle, but I enjoyed Truth making fun of "little Jimmy" singing the What's Up song. He does a pretty good job of pissing the crowd off here and there hasn't been any mention of the stupid cigarette angle. Truth points out that What's Up? Didn't put any titles on his waist.

He goes to crotch thrust at the crowd and promptly gets attacked by John Morrison. This goes about as well as planned, but I do believe this had to be the fastest ref run in I've ever seen in my life.

Random Commercial Thought: What happened to women's wrestling?

Back to the show where Kharma (Awesome Kong) has a another promo where she finally shows her face and name. We cut to an Eve/Layla match. Goodnight, everybody!

Eve Torres vs. Layla w/ Michelle McCool

Michelle comes out to taunt Layla. We get about one second of wrestling with Cole interrupting the match to talk shit on Eve, saying he's a real athlete. This distracts Layla who gets rolled up for three by Eve. Cole says he's wrestling JR tonight.
Winner: Eve

This is fucking terrible. Keep burying the divas, why not. Makes sense to debut a new diva star by making the ENTIRE division look like fucking jokes. Being screwed by Cole somehow gets Laycool to fight each other at ringside. Michelle gets hit in the back of the head so hard she probably thinks she's having sex with Undertaker. The draft pick is Rey Mysterio which is pretty awesome. I don't think I can recall if he was ever on Raw permanently before. We see JR "warming up" and for some reason King mocks this despite supposedly being on his side. Great friend. Sounds like some of mine.

Random Commercial Thought: I think my hair loss can be blamed on the radiation output from shitty commercials.

Back to the show where Cody talks about how he's going to fuck Rey up at the PPV before Kofi Kingston and Sheamus comes out to mix thing sup.

Kofi Kingston vs. US Champion Sheamus (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus dominates from the beginning and delivers his slingshot shoulder block from the apron to pick up a two count. Kofi dodges a corner charge to cause Shaemaus to rack his elbow. Kofi springs off the top into a cross body that gets him two before sending Sheamus to the corner for the mounted punches. Sheamus comes back with a head blow and goes for the High Cross, but Kofi escapes nd flips into double Trouble in Paradise kicks for the three.
Winner: Kingston

Decent match. The draft pick here is Randy Orton s they seem to b making it clear they plan to only draft big names I guess. I question the point of drafting ALL of the big names to make the title picture look exactly the same as they are except on the opposite shows.

Random Commercial Thought: I still don't know if Priest is a movie adaptation of Preacher.

Cole and Swagger are at as we come back to a replay of the foot kissing. They call this the most embarrassing moment of JR's career, which is weird, since it would have to be kissing Vince's ass, which is quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone has ever done to keep their job and should qualify as grounds for a lawsuit.

Jim Ross w/ Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole w/ Jack Swagger

It's terrible. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to wrestling ever. Johan/Piper 3 was better than this. This match will cause nightmare in anybody who watches it. It's not even a match so much as a comedy segment of Cole doing jokes. It ends with Swagger attacking both King and Ross to beat them up for Cole. Ross gets put in an ankle lock.
Winner: JR

Technically a DQ. Cole whips JR with a belt and King makes the save to whip Cole with it. The GM then makes their match at the PPV into a…"country whipping match?" I think that's even worse somehow since I have no idea how that even works. That match went on forever and just saved you all a lot of pain. Miz is interviewed in the back next in which he talks about how bullshit it is he keeps getting ignored. He really has nothing important to say other than he is going to do something awesome soon, because if he's drafted to Smackdown, raw will get cancelled.

Random Commercial Thought: Playstation should skip ahead to five and just mind game everybody.

Back to the how for match.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler/ Vickie Guerrero

Dolph gets his ss kicked for a bet until he catches Orton in the corner and sends him down to the floor. Orton gets his ass kicked against the ring barrier and Dolph goes for the count out win. Orton manages to get in at nine and tackle Ziggler. Vickie distracts Orton when he sets up for the RKO, and Dolph gets a rollup for the two count. Orton then proceeds to RKO the fuck out of him for the three.
Winner: Orton

Orton wins two draft picks with this, but before we can do that, CM Punk interrupts the picks to talk about their match. He says he's going to leave Orton in the hospital and Orton says much of the same. I feel like I haven't had much to say about this show, but there hasn't really been much to say. It's as if the script was written on a napkin.

Random Commercial Thought:

Mark Henry and Sin Cara were drafted because there's a one masked guy rule I guess. Mark Henry was drafted because he's worth five draft picks.

Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett vs. Rey Mysterio (Non-Title Match)

Rey starts off with quick offense, but gets body slammed out of a head scissor attempt or a two count. Wade kicks him around he ring for a bit. Mysterio omes back with sharp kicks to the knees and a cross body for two, but a second attempt has him getting slammed into the corner. Wade foolishly puts Rey up top and this cannot end well. Rey of course punches him down and leaps off into a head scissor that immediately slings Barrett into the 619 and a top rope splash for the win.
Winner: Rey

Raw picks up Del Rio and Big Show. Del Rio is pissed about this decision in the back, complaining to his ring announcer. They seem to be discussing if he gets to come with. Brodus then asks what about him? Clearly it's back to FCW with you.

Random Commercial Thought: Avengers has been too long coming.

Back to the show where they run down the card for Extreme Rules and Teddy Long joins us. I saw an old episode of Nitro with Teddy on it the other night. I didn't even know he used to be in WCW. I didn't care. He was fatter. He announces tonight's main event is a six man tag team match.

Random Commercial Thought: I get it. Marvel is making Thor. Thank you for doing the commercial THREE TIMES this break.

Back to the show where the main event is underway.

Christian & Mark Henry & John Cena vs. Del Rio & Miz & CM Punk

Miz and Christian begin with Christian taking the early advantage. He cranks the arm and tags in Cena. Miz proceeds to run to the floor and tag out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Weren't we just here?

Back to the show where John Cena is wrecking Del Rio only to tag out to Christian so he can get his shit wrecked by Punk and Del Rio. Rio works the arm over in the corner and tags out to Miz. Miz picks up a two count and works a chin lock. Miz teases letting Christian get the tag and pull him down by his hair, despite there being very little to grab. Miz crushes Christian in the corner with the hanging clothesline and picks up two. Del Rio tags in and works the arm more, but he tries an arm…something from the top rope only to be punches off. Christian hits the tornado DDT and makes the tag. Remember when Henry as in this match?

John Cena comes in and runs over Miz several times before hitting the protobomb…and Mark Henry runs his ass right the fuck over. HAHA! Christian wonders what the fuck that was about and gets bench pressed into the ring steps. The ref has a dumbfounded look on his face. Miz plants Cena with the skull crushing finale for the three and he final draft picks.
Winners: Raw

And the draft pick is…John Cena. Oh, hey Triple H. Cena proceeds to bury all the Raw guys in one segments and toss The Miz onto them. Thanks for that complete non-change to anything, WWE.

Highlight of the Night: Cena is drafted.

Lowlight of the Night: Cena is drafted….again.

WWE "Creative" Award: Don't swerve the draft. It kind of makes it pointless, guys.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).