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RAW RANT:
(04/19/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Unbeknownst to most people, despite Batista complaining that Cena got staring roles in films, The Dave has starred in his own film, alongside RVD recently. You can see info on it here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1431191/. Suffice to say the movie is HORRENDOUSLY BAD and despite pimping Dave out as a big star in its trailers and box art and billing, he appears in about twenty-five minutes of footage and doesn’t even step on screen for about forty-five. The actual star is RVD and even that can’t help save this film because we all know Rob is not known for his acting chops.

Raw 04.19.10


The show opens with Triple H to cut an insensitive promo about Iceland blowing up. He mentions how Iceland isn’t a big deal and equates the eruption to Big Show’s farts. Way to keep it classy, Trips. Trips says that the entire Raw roster is stuck in Europe because of this. Which explains why he said not to cheer for him because he’s the only guy here. Trips threatens us with a two-hour Iron Man Match with Frank the audio guy. I would rather pay for that match over a match involving Sheamus in any capacity any day. He mentions that if Sheamus is bad (and he is BAD), then he is deadly. Before Trips can continue, he’s interrupted by the Straight Edge Society. CM Punk says the Smackdown superstars aren’t pussies because they trudged through volcanic ash. Unfortunately they are no in New Jersey which is what every resident asks themselves.

Punk takes the opportunity to bring up that he may be drafted and if he is, he’ll bring the society with him. Punk says his hair is pure because no foreign chemical or substances has ever touched it. Trips mentions that includes shampoo and soap before I could type it. I wonder how pure his beard is. Damn. Punk says Trips should become straight edge to use his influence to make lives better. HOW DARE HE PREACH CLEAN LIVING! Trips could do that, but then he’d deflate like three sizes. Trips does a freedom speech that sucks, showing people at ringside and Lillian is at ring side again it seems for a single night. Good for her. After fifteen minutes of this, a brawl finally breaks up and they beat Trips to a chair to shave his head but Rey is to the rescue. They taunt punk with the razor and I think it would be funny if he just shaved his beard off. Rey shaves a little hair but taunts so Punk can make a run for it.

Random Commercial Thought: Mario will never die. He'll be jumping on goombas on your grave.

And we are randomly back with Matt Hardy and Drew McIntyre in the ring.

Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre vs. Matt Hardy (Non-Title Match)

Drew takes a neck breaker earlyon but he takes a trip to the floor where he tosses Matt into the ring steps to hit his head. Drew dominates back in the ring, shoving him around while the ref tries to separate them. A dazed Matt swings blindly while some guys chant that Hardy Sucks in a duel with other fans. Another neck breaker from Matt picks up a two count on Drew. Drew finishers is blocked with a back body drop but he breaks free of the Twist of Fate. They collide with each other and fall on their asses out of the corner. Hard is slammed off the middle rope by McIntyre for a three count.
Winner: Drew

That was anti-climactic. Cena is then live via satellite to talk about the situation pretty evenly before he goes into one of his rants which seems a bit out of place with the rest of it.

Random Commercial Thought: HD is kind of lame, why do we care so much?

Back to the show with a clip of Vlad threatening MacGruber or however that is spelled. Lucky us he’s still here. He invites King into the ring to read a statement for him because no one can understand what the fuck he is saying besides “Vodka”. Apparently the statement is that he doesn’t get good competition and everyone else is spoiled ignorant Americans and physically inferior. I think they have Russian confused with Nazi. The MacGruber stars (What the fuck is that?) come out with America flags. Apparently they are here to announce a main event of Chris Jericho, Luke Gallows, and Punk against Triple H, Mysterio and Edge. They go on to insult him for sucking. Vlad says not to insult him again on fear of death, so he talks about his mom. It involves his mother’s Uterus while some guys try to chant that you can’t say that (yes you can, retards. You can‘t say retard though). They then make a match with R-Truth. I’m glad he’s so concerned
with what’s up with me. Also, MacGruber accidentally blows R-Truth up with explosive, leaving smoking shoes behind. Huh.

I hate this.

No one cares that R-Truth has been murdered as Vlad threatens to commit another murder later tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Kick-Ass is just that. Kickass.

Back to the show where Macgruber has another retarded segment and this involves him pissing his pants in front of Triple H and a lie that he’s wearing someone else’s peed in pants. He blames it on Kane. Kane did not fit in those pants. This ends with Kane making a shit joke. I….I don’t even…We then get a video feed of Orton from Europe talking about winning the title. Speaking of which, we see Swagger in the back.

Random Commercial Thought: That was definitely worth it. Also, why the fuck would you make a sandwich out of chicken?

Swagger comes out to the ring to issue an open challenge, saying he won’t get destroyed by a monster like what happens to everyone else. How genre savvy of you. No one answers for quite a while. Swagger says that is what he thought as IRONY hits with a gong.

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker (Non-Title Match)

Swagger wins out of an early tie up, tossing Taker out of it with a slam and taunting. Taker works a headlock in response because obvious that is just as effective. Swagger is ran down with a shoulder block as Taker sets to working the arm wrench and giving a leg drop to it for two which leads directly into Old School. The action spills to the floor and Swagger is able to send Taker into the steps, hitting his leg. Back in the ring, Swagger starts attacking the leg with elbows and knees. Swagger works Taker over in the corner but he powers back and delivers a leg drop to Swagger’s head hanging over the ring edge. Back in the ring. Taker picks up a two count as we segue into commercials. I’ve came to the conclusion that these few guys just love chanting, as now they are fighting with everyone over whether or not Taker sucks.

Random Commercial Thought: Mouthy old bitch ain’t she?

Back to the match. Swagger is still in control here, working Taker’s knee again as he tackles it into a knee lock. Taker finally fights free, kicking Swagger off through the ropes with a boot to the ass. Swagger drags him out by the leg to the floor and work his knee to the post. Taker tries to block but fails. Glad that’s totally legal Swagger ears a DDT back in the ring for trying a back body drop and Taker picks up a two count off it, dragging swagger back up for some snake eyes. Taker fallows up with a big boot and Hulk Hogan leg drop for two. He’s not old and orange enough for that to work. OR he needs a power ring. Swagger takes control after a two count and prepares for his corner body splash but he’s caught into a choke slam from Taker. Swagger stumbles up into the Tombstone for the three.
Winner: Swagger

A Jimmy Hoffa reference? Really?

Random Commercial Thought: I prefer the Meat Cube.

Back to the show. Why is the entire cast of MacGruber all WWE wrestlers? That’s the worst dream team I could imagine. Elsewhere, Punk looks like a TERRORIST with his beard and a towels tied on his head while Jericho lectures them. Jericho then goes on to tell MacGruber to extend his hand to Kozlov to throw him off his game and bitch slap him, like rip out his throat. I don’t think that’s legal. Neither is BLOWING A MAN UP. I think I liked Jericho’s theme song better though.

Random Commercial Thought: My message to those who stand in my way is “Don’t forget the ketchup.”

They replay the cold blooded killing of R-Truth. I love how most people assumed the explosion to be Kane’s entrance. Lillian introduces MacGruber as “Undefeated” in the same breathe as “Debut Match” and also manages to say “America” is the greatest continent in the world. Which is of course a complete fucking lie and a stupid thing to say. MacGruber offers his hand for shake and nothing happens so he slaps Vlad….and um, they hug?

MacGruber vs. Vladimir Kozlov

Vlad head butts him to death and goes for a slam before one of the other guys from that movie appears. Who? Ryan something. Apparently he made this a handicap match by doing “things he’s not proud of” and Khaluber joins the match. It’s Khali in a wig. I just…when does it end? They retstart the match and Kozlov fails to take down Khali. He tries to suplex him from behind and just gets elbowed. Stop calling him Khaluber! Khali delivers some chest slaps in the corner and goes for his double choke slam. Kozlov fights out and runs into the brain chop. Kozlov runs to the floor and takes a walk. Khali decides to follow him and give chase like Jason Vorhees, by walking very slowly. MacGruber apparently win by countout for being in the ring.
Winners: help me….

MacGruber reminds us that America is awesome apparently. He blows up the stage again to do his title drop and we go back to commercial to hopefully never speak of this ever again.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t think this politician knows how economics works.

Back to the show, where they run a long video package about Batista and Cena. It’s kind of hard to care about it when they aren’t on the show. King complete botches running the Extreme Rules card down by saying Chris Jericho is Christian. Triple H is interrupted in his entrance for his match by Sheamus in his doofy little Irish businessman wear. Oh yeah, badass. Sheamus beats up stagehands to prove he can…beat up random schmucks.

Random Commercial Thought: Rather old and wrinkly, just like your mother!

Back to the show for more entrances.

Chris Jericho & Luke Gallows & CM Punk vs. Edge & Triple H & Rey Mysterio

Jericho runs right into a drop toe hold and has to dive outside the ring to avoid a 619 at the beginning of the match. Punk attacks from behind only to be dumped to the floor and Gallows goes to help him up, allowing Edge and Trips to toss Rey onto them over the ropes as we go back to commercial. No need to get too much excitement.

Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order: CI has very little Law and even less order.

Back to the show where Mysterio is being worked over by Punk. Gallows tags in and stomps the shit out of Mysterio. King tries to admit that what Punk says is right, but they call him like some kind of cult leader. If so, he’s the best cult leader ever because he does BELIEVE in adding a chemical to your punch that will kill you. Jericho tags in and takes a bunch kicks in the knee from Rey but soon he monkey flips Rey into the corner. Mystery nails Jericho with a head scissors I think it was before making the tag. Edge and Gallows are in with Edge taking everyone out. He drops Gallows and sets up for a spear. Serena distracts the ref as Jericho drags Edge out by his bad leg. Trips attacks Jericho who goe son to try and ram Edge into the table until he’s caught so he sends him back in the ring. Punk tags in and the heels take turns tearing apart Edge’s leg. Jericho works him over for a while before Gallows come in to fail miserably to a clothesline.
Trips is in and he punches out Punk who comes in as well, gallows apparently dying to that one clothesline. Trips hit’s the high knee, face buster and a clothesline picks up two.

Punk nails a kick into the corner but runs right out into the predictable spine buster. Gallows clotheslines to block the pedigree and eats a senton off the top from Mysterio Jericho tosses him only to be clotheslined by Edge. Edge trips Punk into the ropes for a 619 that sends Punk into the pedigree for three.
Winners: Trips, Edge and Rey

Highlight of the Night: No divas matches! Hahahaha! Hell, I'm just happy I didn't get a pointless fanservice segment at all.

Lowlight of the Night: The Gruber match. Wow. Just wow.

WWE "Creative" Award: R-Truth exploded. Why?!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).