Unbeknownst to most people, despite Batista
complaining that Cena got staring roles in films,
The Dave has starred in his own film, alongside RVD
recently. You can see info on it here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1431191/. Suffice to say the movie is HORRENDOUSLY
BAD and despite pimping Dave out as a big star in
its trailers and box art and billing, he appears in
about twenty-five minutes of footage and doesn’t
even step on screen for about forty-five. The actual
star is RVD and even that can’t help save this film
because we all know Rob is not known for his acting
show opens with Triple H to cut an insensitive promo
about Iceland blowing up. He mentions how Iceland
isn’t a big deal and equates the eruption to Big
Show’s farts. Way to keep it classy, Trips. Trips
says that the entire Raw roster is stuck in Europe
because of this. Which explains why he said not to
cheer for him because he’s the only guy here. Trips
threatens us with a two-hour Iron Man Match with
Frank the audio guy. I would rather pay for that
match over a match involving Sheamus in any capacity
any day. He mentions that if Sheamus is bad (and he
is BAD), then he is deadly. Before Trips can
continue, he’s interrupted by the Straight Edge
Society. CM Punk says the Smackdown superstars
aren’t pussies because they trudged through volcanic
ash. Unfortunately they are no in New Jersey which
is what every resident asks themselves.
takes the opportunity to bring up that he may be
drafted and if he is, he’ll bring the society with
him. Punk says his hair is pure because no foreign
chemical or substances has ever touched it. Trips
mentions that includes shampoo and soap before I
could type it. I wonder how pure his beard is. Damn.
Punk says Trips should become straight edge to use
his influence to make lives better. HOW DARE HE
PREACH CLEAN LIVING! Trips could do that, but then
he’d deflate like three sizes. Trips does a freedom
speech that sucks, showing people at ringside and
Lillian is at ring side again it seems for a single
night. Good for her. After fifteen minutes of this,
a brawl finally breaks up and they beat Trips to a
chair to shave his head but Rey is to the rescue.
They taunt punk with the razor and I think it would
be funny if he just shaved his beard off. Rey shaves
a little hair but taunts so Punk can make a run for
Random Commercial Thought: Mario will
never die. He'll be jumping on goombas on your
And we are randomly back with Matt
Hardy and Drew McIntyre in the ring.
Intercontinental Champion Drew McIntyre
vs. Matt Hardy (Non-Title Match)
Drew takes a neck breaker earlyon but he takes a
trip to the floor where he tosses Matt into the ring
steps to hit his head. Drew dominates back in the
ring, shoving him around while the ref tries to
separate them. A dazed Matt swings blindly while
some guys chant that Hardy Sucks in a duel with
other fans. Another neck breaker from Matt picks up
a two count on Drew. Drew finishers is blocked with
a back body drop but he breaks free of the Twist of
Fate. They collide with each other and fall on their
asses out of the corner. Hard is slammed off the
middle rope by McIntyre for a three count.
That was anti-climactic. Cena is
then live via satellite to talk about the situation
pretty evenly before he goes into one of his rants
which seems a bit out of place with the rest of it.
Random Commercial Thought: HD is kind of lame, why
do we care so much?
Back to the show with a
clip of Vlad threatening MacGruber or however that
is spelled. Lucky us he’s still here. He invites
King into the ring to read a statement for him
because no one can understand what the fuck he is
saying besides “Vodka”. Apparently the statement is
that he doesn’t get good competition and everyone
else is spoiled ignorant Americans and physically
inferior. I think they have Russian confused with
Nazi. The MacGruber stars (What the fuck is that?)
come out with America flags. Apparently they are
here to announce a main event of Chris Jericho, Luke
Gallows, and Punk against Triple H, Mysterio and
Edge. They go on to insult him for sucking. Vlad
says not to insult him again on fear of death, so he
talks about his mom. It involves his mother’s Uterus
while some guys try to chant that you can’t say that
(yes you can, retards. You can‘t say retard though).
They then make a match with R-Truth. I’m glad he’s
with what’s up with me. Also,
MacGruber accidentally blows R-Truth up with
explosive, leaving smoking shoes behind. Huh.
I hate this.
No one cares that R-Truth has
been murdered as Vlad threatens to commit another
murder later tonight.
Thought: Kick-Ass is just that. Kickass.
to the show where Macgruber has another retarded
segment and this involves him pissing his pants in
front of Triple H and a lie that he’s wearing
someone else’s peed in pants. He blames it on Kane.
Kane did not fit in those pants. This ends with Kane
making a shit joke. I….I don’t even…We then get a
video feed of Orton from Europe talking about
winning the title. Speaking of which, we see Swagger
in the back.
Random Commercial Thought: That
was definitely worth it. Also, why the fuck would
you make a sandwich out of chicken?
comes out to the ring to issue an open challenge,
saying he won’t get destroyed by a monster like what
happens to everyone else. How genre savvy of you. No
one answers for quite a while. Swagger says that is
what he thought as IRONY hits with a gong.
World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. The
Undertaker (Non-Title Match)
wins out of an early tie up, tossing Taker out of it
with a slam and taunting. Taker works a headlock in
response because obvious that is just as effective.
Swagger is ran down with a shoulder block as Taker
sets to working the arm wrench and giving a leg drop
to it for two which leads directly into Old School.
The action spills to the floor and Swagger is able
to send Taker into the steps, hitting his leg. Back
in the ring, Swagger starts attacking the leg with
elbows and knees. Swagger works Taker over in the
corner but he powers back and delivers a leg drop to
Swagger’s head hanging over the ring edge. Back in
the ring. Taker picks up a two count as we segue
into commercials. I’ve came to the conclusion that
these few guys just love chanting, as now they are
fighting with everyone over whether or not Taker
Random Commercial Thought: Mouthy old
bitch ain’t she?
Back to the match. Swagger
is still in control here, working Taker’s knee again
as he tackles it into a knee lock. Taker finally
fights free, kicking Swagger off through the ropes
with a boot to the ass. Swagger drags him out by the
leg to the floor and work his knee to the post.
Taker tries to block but fails. Glad that’s totally
legal Swagger ears a DDT back in the ring for trying
a back body drop and Taker picks up a two count off
it, dragging swagger back up for some snake eyes.
Taker fallows up with a big boot and Hulk Hogan leg
drop for two. He’s not old and orange enough for
that to work. OR he needs a power ring. Swagger
takes control after a two count and prepares for his
corner body splash but he’s caught into a choke slam
from Taker. Swagger stumbles up into the Tombstone
for the three.
Hoffa reference? Really?
Thought: I prefer the Meat Cube.
Back to the
show. Why is the entire cast of MacGruber all WWE
wrestlers? That’s the worst dream team I could
imagine. Elsewhere, Punk looks like a TERRORIST with
his beard and a towels tied on his head while
Jericho lectures them. Jericho then goes on to tell
MacGruber to extend his hand to Kozlov to throw him
off his game and bitch slap him, like rip out his
throat. I don’t think that’s legal. Neither is
BLOWING A MAN UP. I think I liked Jericho’s theme
song better though.
Thought: My message to those who stand in my way is
“Don’t forget the ketchup.”
They replay the
cold blooded killing of R-Truth. I love how most
people assumed the explosion to be Kane’s entrance.
Lillian introduces MacGruber as “Undefeated” in the
same breathe as “Debut Match” and also manages to
say “America” is the greatest continent in the
world. Which is of course a complete fucking lie and
a stupid thing to say. MacGruber offers his hand for
shake and nothing happens so he slaps Vlad….and um,
MacGruber vs. Vladimir Kozlov
head butts him to death and goes for a slam before
one of the other guys from that movie appears. Who?
Ryan something. Apparently he made this a handicap
match by doing “things he’s not proud of” and
Khaluber joins the match. It’s Khali in a wig. I
just…when does it end? They retstart the match and
Kozlov fails to take down Khali. He tries to suplex
him from behind and just gets elbowed. Stop calling
him Khaluber! Khali delivers some chest slaps in the
corner and goes for his double choke slam. Kozlov
fights out and runs into the brain chop. Kozlov runs
to the floor and takes a walk. Khali decides to
follow him and give chase like Jason Vorhees, by
walking very slowly. MacGruber apparently win by
countout for being in the ring.
MacGruber reminds us that America is
awesome apparently. He blows up the stage again to
do his title drop and we go back to commercial to
hopefully never speak of this ever again.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t think this
politician knows how economics works.
the show, where they run a long video package about
Batista and Cena. It’s kind of hard to care about it
when they aren’t on the show. King complete botches
running the Extreme Rules card down by saying Chris
Jericho is Christian. Triple H is interrupted in his
entrance for his match by Sheamus in his doofy
little Irish businessman wear. Oh yeah, badass.
Sheamus beats up stagehands to prove he can…beat up
Random Commercial Thought:
Rather old and wrinkly, just like your mother!
Back to the show for more entrances.
Chris Jericho & Luke Gallows & CM Punk vs. Edge &
Triple H & Rey Mysterio
right into a drop toe hold and has to dive outside
the ring to avoid a 619 at the beginning of the
match. Punk attacks from behind only to be dumped to
the floor and Gallows goes to help him up, allowing
Edge and Trips to toss Rey onto them over the ropes
as we go back to commercial. No need to get too much
Random Commercial Thought: Law
and Order: CI has very little Law and even less
Back to the show where Mysterio is
being worked over by Punk. Gallows tags in and
stomps the shit out of Mysterio. King tries to admit
that what Punk says is right, but they call him like
some kind of cult leader. If so, he’s the best cult
leader ever because he does BELIEVE in adding a
chemical to your punch that will kill you. Jericho
tags in and takes a bunch kicks in the knee from Rey
but soon he monkey flips Rey into the corner.
Mystery nails Jericho with a head scissors I think
it was before making the tag. Edge and Gallows are
in with Edge taking everyone out. He drops Gallows
and sets up for a spear. Serena distracts the ref as
Jericho drags Edge out by his bad leg. Trips attacks
Jericho who goe son to try and ram Edge into the
table until he’s caught so he sends him back in the
ring. Punk tags in and the heels take turns tearing
apart Edge’s leg. Jericho works him over for a while
before Gallows come in to fail miserably to a
Trips is in and he punches out Punk
who comes in as well, gallows apparently dying to
that one clothesline. Trips hit’s the high knee,
face buster and a clothesline picks up two.
Punk nails a kick into the corner but runs right out
into the predictable spine buster. Gallows
clotheslines to block the pedigree and eats a senton
off the top from Mysterio Jericho tosses him only to
be clotheslined by Edge. Edge trips Punk into the
ropes for a 619 that sends Punk into the pedigree
Winners: Trips, Edge and Rey
Highlight of the Night: No
divas matches! Hahahaha! Hell, I'm just happy I
didn't get a pointless fanservice segment at all.
Lowlight of the Night: The
Gruber match. Wow. Just wow.
WWE "Creative" Award: R-Truth exploded.
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).