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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

April 18, 2011


Welcome back to the increasingly later than usual Raw Rant, Period. Apparently the show was so amazing that I fell asleep before it ever even aired, which has me more than a little scared for my sanity before this viewing.

Raw 04.18.11

Theme and pyro open the show coming at us straight from the United Kingdom. R-Truth starts things off to a reaction that sounds like they would rather be castrated than sing along to his song. In fact, most of the chants sound rather suspiciously piped in to me. Before we get into this, let me point out that Truth was thrown into the main event because John Morrison was supposed to take that spot before getting into some backstage heat. Apparently some hand jobs have been delivered and that might be changing tonight. Before we get to any of that, JR and King welcome us only to be interrupted by Cole who bitches that they were quiet through the whole entrance instead of….I'm not sure what he wanted them to do. Put over his stupid character more than it it's been force fed to us already?

Truth talks about going through a lot to get where he is today and that he's so excited now that he will take on anybody, anytime, and anywhere. Morrison answers this call. Hey, I just noticed that Morrison's abs seem to have faded away. Methinks it must be drug testing time. Morrison accuses Truth of being lucky because random shit happened to allow him entrance into the match. Morrison then derides him for….drinking water between matches. Cole accuses him of drinking in the middle of the match and asks when you've ever seen that…..oh hi, Triple H. How are you? King admits to never having seen someone do that…the fuck? Are you kidding? Also, apparently this is evidence that Truth isn't in shape and didn't just fight three guys or anything because he smokes. This is ridiculous. Morrison lures him into challenging him for a match for his spot in the main event. This inevitably makes Truth look like a fucking doofus.

Okay, I'm going to point something out right here, right now. Morrison, the man we are supposed to be siding with here, looks like a complete and total asshole. He accuses his "friend" of being lucky instead of talented. Derides him in front of millions for smoking and being "tired," and then STEALS his fucking main event spot. So…why exactly am I supposed to cheer Morrison and boo Truth? From a booking and writing standpoint this makes no sense and Morrison sells the speech like he has no idea what this is proving either. His acting is terribly underplayed because he knows damn well he's making himself look like a fool. Truth "hilariously" asks for a cigarette then acts like it was funny and Truth tells him to ask for luck too. The crowd has been dead through this whole segment; it lasted about ten minutes. 

John Morrison vs. R-Truth

Truth goes to an arm bar and headlock take down for a quick two count. He tries to rol around into a schoolboy for another two before…taking a walk to the floor and getting a bottle of water. Of course. This is totally believable. Only Batista blows up that fast. They cut to a commercial here but as we return Truth is still just kind of dicking around and adjusting his gloves. Cole and JR are arguing over how fucking long it took him to come back to calling the match. I don't care. Truth gets a couple more of counts while Cole talks shit about needing to drink water. Oh my God….mute button is about to come if I can't hear the match. Okay, yeah, I'm muting, they haven't stopped putting over their feud for five minutes straight. Morrison and Truth trade some offense and two counts before Truth reverses a supex into a Supex/Jawbuster move that gets a two. Truth misses a scissor kick and Morrison overshoots the flash kick…before just lightly pulling Truth down by his hair to the ground. This somehow completely kills him long enough for Starship Pain.
Winner: Morrison

This match pretty much guaranteed that no matter who wins, that they will not win the Triple Threat at Extreme Rules as this feud will probably be continuing through the summer now. Post match, Truth annihilates Morrison after a proposed handshake. He knees Morrison in the side of the head to send him to the floor. He finishes with a downward spiral on the outside. He then proceeds to light up a cigarette after the match because SMOKING IS BAD AND THEREFORE HE IS EVIL. By the way, it's illegal to do that in England, which the crowd happily chanted at him.

Following another commercial break, we get replay footage of the beat down. Evan Bourne is in the ring to get destroyed. Poor kid. He's facing the new and improved Ziggler (Vickie calls him this) which apparently mean stealing Cody Rhodes' hair cut.. He looks like Val Venis.

Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Evan Bourne

Vickie gets up in Evan's face and bitches him into a corner before laughing at him…to his credit Evan continues to look like a pussy when he doesn't kick her right in the cunt. Dolph hammers Evan into the ground before taking a head scissor and some short kicks. Evan tries to leap frog out of the corner into a cross body but he's caught in mid air by a drop kick from Ziggler for two. Ziggler works a sort of bow and arrow lock before dropping an elbow to the spine. Evan kicks his way back only to be tackled to the ground, but he dodges a follow up elbow drop. Bourne leaps into a knee to the chin and a spin kick for two of his own. Bourne gets caught in a roll up but he rolls through and delivers a knee to the chin, Bourne goes for Air Bourne, but Ziggler dodges. Impressively, Evan landed on his feet only to eat a Zig Zag for the loss.
Winner: Ziggler

Cole hypes up that he's going to be knighted. Good night, everybody!

Following commercials, we get replays of Sin Cara highlights minus the botched ending and terrible fucking match flow. They then run an Edge video package before hyping an Alberto Del Rio retirement party for Edge on Smackdown. Cole talks over the other announcers since I foolishly unmated the show. I have no idea what they were saying, but if you like hearing him constantly talk, here comes The Miz. I don't like his new shirt. It's just a Baseball shirt logo. People still watch baseball? Miz lays out the rules for the Triple Threat cage match and how unfair it is that he could lose to someone while beating up the other person. He demands the Raw GM to fix this or he won't leave the ring. Yeah, that doesn't go over well. Sin Cara shows up for his match with Riley, but Cena soon arrives as well to even the odds, because you aren't over until John Cena wins your fight for you.

Cole gets a GM e-mail to make a tag match between them much to the disdain of Miz.

John Cena & Sin Cara vs. WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley

Riley just charges Riley into the corner and beats the shit out of him before nailing a bulldog.. Riley rolls to the ground where he regroups with Miz and we take a commercial break. Coming back, Cena is still annihilating them, but this time it is Miz. Miz escapes an FU and drops Cena with a move that is sort of like the Side Effect. Miz stomps on Cena in the corner and chokes him out some with Riley taking cheap shots from the floor. Through all of this, Cole and King discuss how he would react if he was drafted to Smackdown. Cole says he would do his job and not bitch like JR….only to remember a minute later that he's on both fucking shows. Dueling Cena chants begin while Miz and Riley continue to just beat Cena down hard. Miz taunts Sin Car and delivers his hanging clothesline to Cena which Cena sells like shit. I'm really beginning to believe those rumors of Cena torpedoing Miz.

Riley tags in and gets crushed by Cena easily leading to tags for both men. Cara leap in on Miz and delivers punches and kicks before hand springing into the ropes into a reverse elbow and a head scissors. Cara drops Riley with a dropkick and leaps off the ropes while having Miz by the arm and hitting Riley with a head scissor at the same time. Cara nails Miz with a high kick, but Riley slams him to the ring apron from the outside. Miz charges Cara into the ring apron and starts dismantling him in the ring so Cena can save the day soon. Miz delivers knees to the midsection before running Cara down with a big boot. Cara rolls through an electric chair drop into a two count before Miz runs him down for two of his own.

Back in the heel corner Cara eats a double suplex as Riley tags in. Cena dueling chants begin again. Riley picks up a two count. This makes you look good. Getting your teeth kicked in by Alex I've Never Won a Match Riley. Miz taunts after he tags in and beats on Cara. Cara dodges the leaping clothesline and makes the tag. Riley stands no chance. Cena goes to his general offense, but has to knock Miz off the apron before going for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena follows up with the FU and drops Riley before dragging him to the corner and tag in Sin Cara who leaps into the ring and spring off the ropes in midair into a moonsault for the three.
Winner: Sin Cara/Cena

Cara continues to act like he took a beating and hugs Cena, proving he stood no chance without him, which is not how you put someone over as amazing. In case you aren't tired of Punk getting annihilated by Orton yet, they will have a rematch tonight. 

Following a commercial, we got another video of Awesome Kong breaking a doll before Eve Torres arrives to no reaction whatsoever. Nikki and Brie come out to prove that Brie has no fucking clue how the Diva's title works but claiming that Eve may never get her rematch if she is drafted to Smackdown….despite it being an inter-brand title that was recently won from Smackdown.

Eve Torres vs. Nikki Bella w/ Brie Bella

Eve ducks a clothesline out of the gate and punches and kicks the shit out of Nikki. For some reason Eve cartwheels over Nikki and then beats her into the corner before hanging a tree of Woe. Nikki lifts herself up to dodge a baseball slide, causing Eve to slide into the ring post. Nikki hilariously tells Brie to get her while "distracting" the ref who decides to not to see if Brie follows through (spoilers: She does). Nikki delivers an elbow drop and tosses Eve around by the hair before Eve hits her with Cody Rhodes' finisher that she somehow makes look even worse for three.
Winner: Eve

Brie taunts with her belt as she drags Nikki away. Cole manages to bury this match (which was one of the better diva offerings in quite a while) by talking over it and hyping up his knighting. There's a commercial break while they fix up the ring all fancy for the fake Queen. No I am not recapping this. Cole was "knighted" and I'm sure he will now demand to be called Sir. Swagger attacked, Cole forced JR to kiss his feet. It was a stupid segment involving people no one cares about. The segment dragged on for ten minutes. Is this making money? NEXT.

After a break, Matthews is out to yell at Cole who shows us he has literal athlete's foot. Sheamus is out to take on Sheamus who says he wants revenge for the tea party (then take out Palin, HEYOOOO) they had in England last time.

Santino Marella vs. US Champion Sheamus (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus just crushes Santino with a knee to the gut. He slams him to the turnbuckle and stomps him down. Santino escapes a scoop slam and goes into his offense, but Sheamus sees the splits coming and boots him in the back of the head. Sheamus drops Santino with a short arm clothesline…and then works a rest hold for some reason. Sheamus drops some elbows and taunts for a two count. Matthews and Cole laugh about the foot kissing segment and Matthews is for some reason joking with him about JR. I have no idea why. Santino fights his way out of the second or third rest hold by charging Sheamus back into a corner only to eat a rushing clothesline in the corner. Sheamus misses a second attempt and Santino fires up the cobra, but just stumbles out of it. Sheamus manages to actually miss the finishing kick….so they just do the spot again. Was that supposed to happen? It looked fucking terrible.
Winner: Sheamus

Following that, we have CM Punk on his way to wrestle Orton. He gets some good crowd reaction.

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Punk works a headlock on Orton as dueling chants for Orton and Punk begin. Orton stomps Punk down into the mat in the corner and rakes his eyes before choking him on the ropes and going to his chest hammering shots that I haven't seen him do in quite a while. Punk reverses the tide and starts kicking and punching away. Apparently Nexus was banned from ringside. I didn't really pay attention. Not that they ever seem to be able to do much to Orton. While Punk is dominating, the chants begin again only for Orton to run him down with quick clotheslines and the power slam. Orton signals an RKO, but Punk slips out to make him land on his own head as they cut to commercial.

Returning, Punk is dropping a knee to the temple for two. Clearly the solution here is a rest hold. Orton tries to suplex out but Punk rides the hold and manages to slam him back down for two. Punk nails a suplex for another two count and returns once more to the headlock. Orton fights free but runs into a knee to the gut for two. Orton takes a trip to the floor but Punk leaps from the apron into a clothesline on Orton. Punk asks the ref if he can just pan him out there before cheering along with some younger crowd members for Randy to get up and get back in it. Great stuff. Orton kicks out of a cover back in the ring and Punk blows a weird kiss as the crowd trades GTS/RKO chants now. Orton tries a small package, but Punk kicks out at two and gets a cover of his own for two.

Punk works a head scissor now, but Orton escapes by biting his fingers and starts pummeling at Punk. Punk comes back with the knee to bulldog in the corner, but Orton delivers a back suplex out of the bulldog for two. Orton tries for the Angle Slam, but Punk slips free to a kidney shot and a bulldog for two. Punk delivers some kicks to the knee, stomach and head, but Orton chooses not to sell this and delivers the backbreaker into the Angle Slam for two. Punk rolls to the apron and hangs Orton up on the top rope. He springboards back in with a flying clothesline that still only gets two. Somebody forgot their kryptonite. Punk climbs up top, but Orton cuts him off with punches to deliver a superplex for two. Punk retreats to the apron again.

Orton goes for the suspended DDT, but Punk escapes into the GTS. Orton slips free into an RKO, but Punk spins out into a big kick which still picks up only two. Punk throws a fit and slams the mat a bunch of times. He goes to drag Orton up into the GTS, but Orton grabs the ropes and escapes before ducking another kick and casually rolling Punk into a schoolboy for three.
Winner: Punk

Punk has a conversation with himself before Nexus arrives. Apparently Husky Harris is no more or something. Otunga has a Mohawk now. I love how there is a stable that never has any matches. They beat Orton down in the corner before dragging him up for Mason Ryan's finisher. Ryan shoves the other two off when they move to Orton for some reason, saying that Orton is his. Ryan looks to be going for a punt, but Punk cuts him off and demands to get to do it himself. Ryan has a lazy eye. He ignores Punk the first time and has to be told again. Batista2 finally agrees and Punk goes for the punt, but Orton springs to life magically into an RKO and runs away. Still invincible.

Highlight of the Night: Orton/Punk was the only decent match but none of the booking made any fucking sense on this show. Truth going heel could work out for him but a smoking gimmick is fucking dumb and made both he and Morrison looks like tools.

Lowlight of the Night: Cole gets knighted.

WWE "Creative" Award: Hire new writers. I implore you to hire someone who knows what they are doing.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).