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RAW RANT:
(04/12/10)
By Cameron Burge

Tonight’s show is hosted by everyone’s favorite singer (Warning: perception may view outside of the country of Germany), David Hasselhoff. No word as of yet if he plans to try and bring sexy back in the form of hairy chests and male perms.

Raw 04.12.10


The show opens with theme and pyro before we get the Knight Rider theme followed by “acolytes” with full robe and Hoff masks as well as Baywatch cardboard cutouts. The Hoff then arrive sin the titular car and arrives in full sequins to reveal the acolytes are divas. He then cuts his imitation of the Rock and mocks his own name. It’s, something special. In case you forgot, tonight’s show is coming to you from jolly old England. It explains the cheers. He makes a Baywatch match of the Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match. What the fuck does that mean? He mentions there is no No 1 contender on Smackdown, because it’s not his goddamn show, but instead he makes a match between Swagger and Orton. Oh, he can do that? Bullshit. We also have Batista and Orton going to face off and we have the Diva’s title match right now. Nooooo don’t start me off with an Eve Torres match! GOD NO! AAAAAAAAH! She dances with the Hoff by the way.

Eve Torres vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Diva’s Title Match)

They immediately tie up and by tie up I mean, drag each other around by the hair. Eve tries a missed Baseball slide when Maryse goes to the floor that comes at a speed that makes the heat death of the universe seem fast. Terrible. Maryse takes control back in the ring but eats a sloppy as hell neck breaker from Eve. LEARN A FUCKING MOVE. Eve moonstaults for nothing as Maryse laughs at her bombing it. Maryse starts slapping Eve around rather than win so her DDT is blocked into a roll through for three. Oh God….
Winner: Eve

Ladies and Gentlemen, everything wrong with Women’s wrestling. The crowd popped huge at first but as she celebrates I think they realize they were just cheering for a title actually changing hands in front of their very own eyes than anything else and the true horror sinks in. Elsewhere, ShowMiz apparently has an announcement as we are off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Kick-Ass is the best superhero name of all time.

Back to the show where we replay the main event from last week which was in itself a replay of its own match earlier in the show. ShowMiz come out to suck each others dicks and talk about how awesome they are as a team. It turns out their announcement is that they are the greatest tag team in WWE history after a reign that is like what, less than half of a year? They demand a tag team to be named that is better than them. The Nasty Boys? Haha, just kidding. Harlem Heat would be nice though. They are interrupted by Bret Hart. Oh right, that guy!

Bret says he can name two tag teams better than them, the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs. I wrote that before he said that. Miz points this is the second washed up 90s icon tonight. He says if they were in the 90s, he would put him down with a Sharpshooter faster than he slaps glasses on a fat toddler. I made up the fat toddler part. Show tells Bret to take off who says he isn’t ready yet before bringing out what we all know is coming, the Hart Dynasty.

Miz demands to know what happened to the brand extension and why they are here. This segues into a pimp for the Bulldog/Hart match that happened in this arena a long ass time ago. David uses his dad for some cheap pops before challenging Miz to a one on one match tonight. Is it just me or does David look like a man with a Gerber baby for a head? Stipulation is if he wins, they get a match at Extreme Rules. Big Show tells him to back down again but Miz accepts. The other stipulation is that if he wins, next week Bret Hart will have to declare they are the best tag team of all time. You sure about that Miz? Not going to make it so they couldn’t challenge you again and take the title anyway? Just need the verbal acknowledgement? Okay….

Random Commercial Thought: Sandwiches do not work that way.

Back to the show where the match is underway.

David Hart Smith w/ The Hart Dynasty vs. US Champion The Miz w/ The Big Show (Non-Title Match)

David puts Miz down right away with a belly to belly suplex. He works Miz over in the corner but charges into a foot, turning it back around with a back body drop. He pummels the back of Miz’s head on the ropes until the ref is distracted, allowing a slap from Natalya. David puts on a stalling vertical suplex that is more of a fifty degree angle but close enough. Miz comes back with some shots of his own and the running kick in the corner. A double axe handle off the top pick up a two count before it’s time for the tired and true chinlock. Smith fights out and back Miz into a corner before trading punches. David uh “Bulldogs” up and delivers some clothesline, a scoop slam picking up two.

Smith looks like he’s going for a sharpshooter but is kicked off into a small package for two. Damn, this crowd is dead. They pop briefly then go dead silent. What’s their deal? Miz bombs his running kick, hanging himself up but goes up top and jumps off into a kick to the face. Smith then finishes things off with a Sharpshooter. Show gets up and eats a dropkick. Tyson Kidd runs into the right hand from Show who tosses him in the ring for a distraction, allowing him to hit Smith from behind and have Miz put Smith down with the skull-crushing finale.
Winner: Miz

Random Commercial Thought: I hook up with hot cousins at funerals all the time.

Back to the show where we replay Otunga turning on Cena last week. Ironically they only show his announcement of his own match, not the fact he did the match twice. I guess even the writers have realized how fucking moronic that was. We cut to Dave and Otunga talking in the back. It basically involves Dave intimidating him into being a coffee bitch for him. Hoff and Otunga (am I spelling that right?) meet up in the back, revealing that Cena has a match with Otunga. Hoff asks the car how long it will take for Cena to win the match. Oddly, the car replays with a pre-recorded clip from the show. Weak.

Random Commercial Thought: Short break, there were only two commercials for me. I have to wonder what the deal is with Monster Hunter. It looks like most MMO games, only it isn’t as massive.

Back to the show for a match between Carlito and Bourne. Carlito is fucked, he didn’t even get to enter on TV.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Evan Bourne

Carlito starts off aggressive, but Bourne works him over with a head scissor in the corner. Carlito stops this with a rough looking spine buster and picks up two after some kicking. Chin lock from Carlito which goes as well as you might expect. Bourne kicks his knees out but runs into a big kick from Carlito for two. Back body drop picks up another two as Carlito has his differences with the ref. Carlito goes crazy with stomping I nthe corner until the ref drags him off. Bourne starts fighting back with kicks and punches until Carlito blocks and delivers some of his own. The springboard elbow drop that he never hits anymore ever misses again. Bourne puts Carlito in the corner with a dropkick and runs at stop speed, slinging his body into him for two. Carlito tosses Bourne into the corner and goes for the Apple Jack off the top. Bourne just holds on and lets Carlito drop himself for Air Bourne.
Winner: Bourne

Random Commercial Thought: What the fuck is Defendor?

Back to the show. Cena and Otunga both head out to get things on for us.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Otunga (Non-Title Match lol)

Cena wrestles Otunga around for a bit and works some grounded headlocks. Story here is Batista is watching from the top of the ramp all match to add some pressure. By the way WATCH NEXT THEY DEMAND IT with this stupid logo over the screen. Nope, still don’t care. Cena taunts like Anderson Silva as the announcers call Cena’s chain-wrestling a clinic taking Otunga to school. Cena squares up as a boxer, speaking of Silva, and delivers a kidney shot before putting Otunga down with some suplexes. Cena just tosses Otunga limply aside and calls Batista out. Otunga tries to come from behind and just gets crushed instead so Cena drags him to the middle of the ring for an STF while staring at Batista who turns around in shame. Have to admit, nice story-telling with this match.
Winner: Cena

Cena starts calling Batista out who strips his shirt…to have another shirt underit. So he strips that shirt…and another one under that. Jeez dude, it’s not that cold even in England I would think. Batista demands his spotlight. What’s with this gimmick where he demands a spotlight on him and then tech guy actually listens? Does he have the ability to do that in other places like at the office or in a restaurant? Can he summon it with his mind like the new TNA version of Mr. Kennedy (Matrix Edition). Batista refuses to come down, begging the question of why he needed to go shirtless, so Cena taunts with his belt and leaves.

Random Commercial Thought: So I saw a political add for a republican demanding we stop the Democratic bailouts…that the Republicans started.

Back to the show, where King tries to quote Family Vacation with “Look, kids, Big Ben!” Which of course was always followed by “Parliament!” as well. Sheamus comes out looking pale as ever. Hilarious I noticed today that Sheamus’ promotional photos have his skin slightly darkened. He says there will be a street fight between them at Extreme Rules because he grew up on the toughest streets in the world, the streets of Dublin Ireland. Yeah, those roving Potato gangs are fucking scary. Before he can leave, he’s interrupted by Kofi who says The Hoff has made a match for them tonight. Oh, that’s now is it?

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus

Kingston kicks Sheamus about and taunts him in the corner but Sheamus squares back up and gets a kick to the midsection to put on a headlock. Sheamus runs Kofi over with a shoulder block but bombs an elbow drop. Kofi delivers kicks in the corner as Sheamus, supposed badass, cries like a woman for a ref. Sheamus is dumped to the floor out of a charge and Kofi teases a suicide dive only to land on the apron and Sheamus slip in. Kofi blocks a slam to the ring post, hitting Sheamus on the turnbuckle and nailing a missile dropkick for two. Sheamus nails Kofi with a running axe handle and says that Sheamus was never actually defeated as the champion since he lost it in the chamber. King decries how much bullshit how the champion is not even pinned in that match….uh yes, he was. He was the FIRST guy pinned, you fucktard.

Meanwhile uninteresting stuff is happening and Kofi is pinned for two after a big power slam. Sheamus tries to suplex Kofi to the floor but is instead kicked until he has to punch Kingston off. Kofi is back with more kicks, dodging punches. Kofi puts in his combo to the Boom Drop and signals Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus gets in the corner instead so he goes for his mounted punches. Kofi ducks the charging kick and puts Sheamus down with Trouble in Paradise but Sheamus grabs the ropes. Sheamus rolls to the floor so Kingston chases him down for more beating until Sheamus attacks him with a monitor and clocks Kofi one in the head.
Winner: Kofi

Post-match, Sheamus slams Kingston in the ring post repeatedly. This gets a funny golf clap from ringside. I think that’s how I feel about most of Sheamus’ matches.

Random Commercial Thought: I wonder if all furries dress that faggy.

Carlito is in the back talking to Vladimir in the back, looking for the Hoff for a rematch. They discuss that the guest hosts don’t care about them and fuck them over. Carlito says he’ll quit if he doesn’t get traded to Smackdown. He’ll probably just be beating creative to it at this point. Vladimir says he will destroy next week’s host if he doesn’t get what he wants. I think this is supposed to be decent competition, but I’m not sure.

We get a rundown of the PPV card and an interview Orton talking shit before we go to the Triple Threat match. The Hoff is in a lifeguard tower at ringside as diva teams start running in in Baywatch gear and slow motion. God. Help me. Goodnight everybody!

Random Commercial Thought: What do you mean the show isn’t over?

Suffice to say the match sucked, Santino was the ref. The Bellas one by switching out with a small package. Santino chokes to death on his whistle and the girls ask The Hoff to save him but instead slow motion Hornswoggle to the rescue….I…I don’t know what to say. It requires a frog splash to get it out of course. It was stupid, it was pointless, Santino was amusing but this should have been a throw-away gag not a whole match.

Random Commercial Thought: Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 scheduled for 2012. I’ll let that sink in.

Back to the show where we get a video package about the European tour. Who cares what Mark Henry thinks about it? Ortona nd Batista head out for their match as the announcers theorize what caused the rift in Evolution. They say it was envy by Batista…and not Triple H for ordering Orton’s murder in mafia style. Nope, definitely was all Batista.

Batista vs. Randy Orton

They trade headlocks early on until after a slap from Batista, Orton starts pummeling him. Batista takes a breather and beats up the stairs for practice. He charges back straight into Orton’s backbreaker. Orton bombs his big knee drop and chucks Orton shoulder first into the ring post as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Major Case Squad? What qualifies you for such an obscure title?

Back to the show where Orton is being crushed by a body splash in the corner. Batista drags him to the ring edge and Orton kindly adjusts himself for a running kick to the head. Good thing, or he might have not got hurt! Batista covers back in the ring for a two count. Batista goes for a headlock. HOWS IT FEEL, RANDY?! Orton fights out only to get run over with a clothesline. Batista then decides to tear the table apart. Orton stops himself form being slammed into the table and nails The Dave’s head on it instead. Orton goes to climb back in after Dave but eats a running kick to the side of the head on his way in for two.

Batista signals a spear and runs right into a boot to the face before Orton sends him into the ring post shoulder first in a turn around. They start trading blows and Orton eventually wins out with clotheslines. Batista catches Orton with a kick and goes for a power slam but Orton escapes and delivers his own powerslam, signaling an RKO with that retarded bit he does. It’s worse than tuning the band and that was pretty bad. Orton looks to the table and decides to go for the punt to the head instead but Batista dodges to the floor. Back in the ring, Batista is caught mid-rope for the DDT and a two count. I think RVD is the only important person to ever lose to that. Another signal for the RKO but he’s tossed off into a spine buster. Batista signals a Batista bomb instead now, but as he picks Orton up it’s an RKO and Swagger is in with drag Orton up into the gut wrench power bomb.
Winner: Orton

Afterward Swagger and Orton disappear, allowing Cena to come in and arbitrarily put an STF on Batista until he passes out. He counts to ten to prove he could win the match with it as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: The Kick-Ass movie preview. Okay, actually I would give it to the Smith/Miz match.

Lowlight of the Night: Baywatch match is close, but I give it to the reticular Eve match. Uhg.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote The Hoff’s dialogue for the night deserves this.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).