Tonight’s show is
hosted by everyone’s favorite singer (Warning:
perception may view outside of the country of
Germany), David Hasselhoff. No word as of yet if he
plans to try and bring sexy back in the form of
hairy chests and male perms.
The show opens
with theme and pyro before we get the Knight Rider
theme followed by “acolytes” with full robe and Hoff
masks as well as Baywatch cardboard cutouts. The
Hoff then arrive sin the titular car and arrives in
full sequins to reveal the acolytes are divas. He
then cuts his imitation of the Rock and mocks his
own name. It’s, something special. In case you
forgot, tonight’s show is coming to you from jolly
old England. It explains the cheers. He makes a
Baywatch match of the Baywatch Babe Triple Threat
Tag Team Match. What the fuck does that mean? He
mentions there is no No 1 contender on Smackdown,
because it’s not his goddamn show, but instead he
makes a match between Swagger and Orton. Oh, he can
do that? Bullshit. We also have Batista and Orton
going to face off and we have the Diva’s title match
right now. Nooooo don’t start me off with an Eve
Torres match! GOD NO! AAAAAAAAH! She dances with the
Hoff by the way.
Eve Torres vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Diva’s Title
They immediately tie up and by
tie up I mean, drag each other around by the hair.
Eve tries a missed Baseball slide when Maryse goes
to the floor that comes at a speed that makes the
heat death of the universe seem fast. Terrible.
Maryse takes control back in the ring but eats a
sloppy as hell neck breaker from Eve. LEARN A
FUCKING MOVE. Eve moonstaults for nothing as Maryse
laughs at her bombing it. Maryse starts slapping Eve
around rather than win so her DDT is blocked into a
roll through for three. Oh God….
Ladies and Gentlemen, everything wrong with Women’s
wrestling. The crowd popped huge at first but as she
celebrates I think they realize they were just
cheering for a title actually changing hands in
front of their very own eyes than anything else and
the true horror sinks in. Elsewhere, ShowMiz
apparently has an announcement as we are off to
Random Commercial Thought:
Kick-Ass is the best superhero name of all time.
Back to the show where we replay the main event from
last week which was in itself a replay of its own
match earlier in the show. ShowMiz come out to suck
each others dicks and talk about how awesome they
are as a team. It turns out their announcement is
that they are the greatest tag team in WWE history
after a reign that is like what, less than half of a
year? They demand a tag team to be named that is
better than them. The Nasty Boys? Haha, just
kidding. Harlem Heat would be nice though. They are
interrupted by Bret Hart. Oh right, that guy!
Bret says he can name two tag teams better than
them, the Hart Foundation and the British Bulldogs.
I wrote that before he said that. Miz points this is
the second washed up 90s icon tonight. He says if
they were in the 90s, he would put him down with a
Sharpshooter faster than he slaps glasses on a fat
toddler. I made up the fat toddler part. Show tells
Bret to take off who says he isn’t ready yet before
bringing out what we all know is coming, the Hart
Miz demands to know what happened to
the brand extension and why they are here. This
segues into a pimp for the Bulldog/Hart match that
happened in this arena a long ass time ago. David
uses his dad for some cheap pops before challenging
Miz to a one on one match tonight. Is it just me or
does David look like a man with a Gerber baby for a
head? Stipulation is if he wins, they get a match at
Extreme Rules. Big Show tells him to back down again
but Miz accepts. The other stipulation is that if he
wins, next week Bret Hart will have to declare they
are the best tag team of all time. You sure about
that Miz? Not going to make it so they couldn’t
challenge you again and take the title anyway? Just
need the verbal acknowledgement? Okay….
Random Commercial Thought: Sandwiches do not work
Back to the show where the match is
David Hart Smith w/ The Hart
Dynasty vs. US Champion The Miz w/ The Big Show
David puts Miz down
right away with a belly to belly suplex. He works
Miz over in the corner but charges into a foot,
turning it back around with a back body drop. He
pummels the back of Miz’s head on the ropes until
the ref is distracted, allowing a slap from Natalya.
David puts on a stalling vertical suplex that is
more of a fifty degree angle but close enough. Miz
comes back with some shots of his own and the
running kick in the corner. A double axe handle off
the top pick up a two count before it’s time for the
tired and true chinlock. Smith fights out and back
Miz into a corner before trading punches. David uh
“Bulldogs” up and delivers some clothesline, a scoop
slam picking up two.
Smith looks like he’s
going for a sharpshooter but is kicked off into a
small package for two. Damn, this crowd is dead.
They pop briefly then go dead silent. What’s their
deal? Miz bombs his running kick, hanging himself up
but goes up top and jumps off into a kick to the
face. Smith then finishes things off with a
Sharpshooter. Show gets up and eats a dropkick.
Tyson Kidd runs into the right hand from Show who
tosses him in the ring for a distraction, allowing
him to hit Smith from behind and have Miz put Smith
down with the skull-crushing finale.
Random Commercial Thought: I hook up with hot
cousins at funerals all the time.
Back to the
show where we replay Otunga turning on Cena last
week. Ironically they only show his announcement of
his own match, not the fact he did the match twice.
I guess even the writers have realized how fucking
moronic that was. We cut to Dave and Otunga talking
in the back. It basically involves Dave intimidating
him into being a coffee bitch for him. Hoff and
Otunga (am I spelling that right?) meet up in the
back, revealing that Cena has a match with Otunga.
Hoff asks the car how long it will take for Cena to
win the match. Oddly, the car replays with a
pre-recorded clip from the show. Weak.
Commercial Thought: Short break, there were only two
commercials for me. I have to wonder what the deal
is with Monster Hunter. It looks like most MMO
games, only it isn’t as massive.
Back to the
show for a match between Carlito and Bourne. Carlito
is fucked, he didn’t even get to enter on TV.
Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Evan Bourne
Carlito starts off aggressive, but Bourne works him
over with a head scissor in the corner. Carlito
stops this with a rough looking spine buster and
picks up two after some kicking. Chin lock from
Carlito which goes as well as you might expect.
Bourne kicks his knees out but runs into a big kick
from Carlito for two. Back body drop picks up
another two as Carlito has his differences with the
ref. Carlito goes crazy with stomping I nthe corner
until the ref drags him off. Bourne starts fighting
back with kicks and punches until Carlito blocks and
delivers some of his own. The springboard elbow drop
that he never hits anymore ever misses again. Bourne
puts Carlito in the corner with a dropkick and runs
at stop speed, slinging his body into him for two.
Carlito tosses Bourne into the corner and goes for
the Apple Jack off the top. Bourne just holds on and
lets Carlito drop himself for Air Bourne.
Random Commercial Thought: What the
fuck is Defendor?
Back to the show. Cena and
Otunga both head out to get things on for us.
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Otunga (Non-Title Match
Cena wrestles Otunga around for a
bit and works some grounded headlocks. Story here is
Batista is watching from the top of the ramp all
match to add some pressure. By the way WATCH NEXT
THEY DEMAND IT with this stupid logo over the
screen. Nope, still don’t care. Cena taunts like
Anderson Silva as the announcers call Cena’s
chain-wrestling a clinic taking Otunga to school.
Cena squares up as a boxer, speaking of Silva, and
delivers a kidney shot before putting Otunga down
with some suplexes. Cena just tosses Otunga limply
aside and calls Batista out. Otunga tries to come
from behind and just gets crushed instead so Cena
drags him to the middle of the ring for an STF while
staring at Batista who turns around in shame. Have
to admit, nice story-telling with this match.
Cena starts calling Batista out
who strips his shirt…to have another shirt underit.
So he strips that shirt…and another one under that.
Jeez dude, it’s not that cold even in England I
would think. Batista demands his spotlight. What’s
with this gimmick where he demands a spotlight on
him and then tech guy actually listens? Does he have
the ability to do that in other places like at the
office or in a restaurant? Can he summon it with his
mind like the new TNA version of Mr. Kennedy (Matrix
Edition). Batista refuses to come down, begging the
question of why he needed to go shirtless, so Cena
taunts with his belt and leaves.
Commercial Thought: So I saw a political add for a
republican demanding we stop the Democratic
bailouts…that the Republicans started.
to the show, where King tries to quote Family
Vacation with “Look, kids, Big Ben!” Which of course
was always followed by “Parliament!” as well.
Sheamus comes out looking pale as ever. Hilarious I
noticed today that Sheamus’ promotional photos have
his skin slightly darkened. He says there will be a
street fight between them at Extreme Rules because
he grew up on the toughest streets in the world, the
streets of Dublin Ireland. Yeah, those roving Potato
gangs are fucking scary. Before he can leave, he’s
interrupted by Kofi who says The Hoff has made a
match for them tonight. Oh, that’s now is it?
Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus
Kingston kicks Sheamus about and taunts him in the
corner but Sheamus squares back up and gets a kick
to the midsection to put on a headlock. Sheamus runs
Kofi over with a shoulder block but bombs an elbow
drop. Kofi delivers kicks in the corner as Sheamus,
supposed badass, cries like a woman for a ref.
Sheamus is dumped to the floor out of a charge and
Kofi teases a suicide dive only to land on the apron
and Sheamus slip in. Kofi blocks a slam to the ring
post, hitting Sheamus on the turnbuckle and nailing
a missile dropkick for two. Sheamus nails Kofi with
a running axe handle and says that Sheamus was never
actually defeated as the champion since he lost it
in the chamber. King decries how much bullshit how
the champion is not even pinned in that match….uh
yes, he was. He was the FIRST guy pinned, you
Meanwhile uninteresting stuff is
happening and Kofi is pinned for two after a big
power slam. Sheamus tries to suplex Kofi to the
floor but is instead kicked until he has to punch
Kingston off. Kofi is back with more kicks, dodging
punches. Kofi puts in his combo to the Boom Drop and
signals Trouble in Paradise. Sheamus gets in the
corner instead so he goes for his mounted punches.
Kofi ducks the charging kick and puts Sheamus down
with Trouble in Paradise but Sheamus grabs the
ropes. Sheamus rolls to the floor so Kingston chases
him down for more beating until Sheamus attacks him
with a monitor and clocks Kofi one in the head.
Post-match, Sheamus slams
Kingston in the ring post repeatedly. This gets a
funny golf clap from ringside. I think that’s how I
feel about most of Sheamus’ matches.
Commercial Thought: I wonder if all furries dress
Carlito is in the back talking to
Vladimir in the back, looking for the Hoff for a
rematch. They discuss that the guest hosts don’t
care about them and fuck them over. Carlito says
he’ll quit if he doesn’t get traded to Smackdown.
He’ll probably just be beating creative to it at
this point. Vladimir says he will destroy next
week’s host if he doesn’t get what he wants. I think
this is supposed to be decent competition, but I’m
We get a rundown of the PPV card
and an interview Orton talking shit before we go to
the Triple Threat match. The Hoff is in a lifeguard
tower at ringside as diva teams start running in in
Baywatch gear and slow motion. God. Help me.
Thought: What do you mean the show isn’t over?
Suffice to say the match sucked, Santino was the
ref. The Bellas one by switching out with a small
package. Santino chokes to death on his whistle and
the girls ask The Hoff to save him but instead slow
motion Hornswoggle to the rescue….I…I don’t know
what to say. It requires a frog splash to get it out
of course. It was stupid, it was pointless, Santino
was amusing but this should have been a throw-away
gag not a whole match.
Thought: Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 scheduled for
2012. I’ll let that sink in.
Back to the show
where we get a video package about the European
tour. Who cares what Mark Henry thinks about it?
Ortona nd Batista head out for their match as the
announcers theorize what caused the rift in
Evolution. They say it was envy by Batista…and not
Triple H for ordering Orton’s murder in mafia style.
Nope, definitely was all Batista.
Batista vs. Randy Orton
They trade headlocks early on until after a slap
from Batista, Orton starts pummeling him. Batista
takes a breather and beats up the stairs for
practice. He charges back straight into Orton’s
backbreaker. Orton bombs his big knee drop and
chucks Orton shoulder first into the ring post as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
The Major Case Squad? What qualifies you for such an
Back to the show where Orton
is being crushed by a body splash in the corner.
Batista drags him to the ring edge and Orton kindly
adjusts himself for a running kick to the head. Good
thing, or he might have not got hurt! Batista covers
back in the ring for a two count. Batista goes for a
headlock. HOWS IT FEEL, RANDY?! Orton fights out
only to get run over with a clothesline. Batista
then decides to tear the table apart. Orton stops
himself form being slammed into the table and nails
The Dave’s head on it instead. Orton goes to climb
back in after Dave but eats a running kick to the
side of the head on his way in for two.
Batista signals a spear and runs right into a boot
to the face before Orton sends him into the ring
post shoulder first in a turn around. They start
trading blows and Orton eventually wins out with
clotheslines. Batista catches Orton with a kick and
goes for a power slam but Orton escapes and delivers
his own powerslam, signaling an RKO with that
retarded bit he does. It’s worse than tuning the
band and that was pretty bad. Orton looks to the
table and decides to go for the punt to the head
instead but Batista dodges to the floor. Back in the
ring, Batista is caught mid-rope for the DDT and a
two count. I think RVD is the only important person
to ever lose to that. Another signal for the RKO but
he’s tossed off into a spine buster. Batista signals
a Batista bomb instead now, but as he picks Orton up
it’s an RKO and Swagger is in with drag Orton up
into the gut wrench power bomb.
Afterward Swagger and Orton disappear, allowing Cena
to come in and arbitrarily put an STF on Batista
until he passes out. He counts to ten to prove he
could win the match with it as the show goes off the
the Night: The Kick-Ass movie preview. Okay,
actually I would give it to the Smith/Miz match.
Lowlight of the Night:
Baywatch match is close, but I give it to the
reticular Eve match. Uhg.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote The
Hoff’s dialogue for the night deserves this.