WWE RAW RANT
April 11, 2011
I’m coming in right off the end of Tough Enough that ran before this and I had to laugh at Austin’s speech to that midget guy. It had me rolling. I should probably start watching this show if he bitches them out this hard every week. Schadenfruede keeps me alive. Yes….their misery makes me stronger.
Tonight, let’s begin the build for Wrestlemania!…only twelve fucking months away. Or maybe they’ll just do a replacement Wrestlemania early to make up for this year’s. The show opens without theme or pyro as Michael Cole is introduced as an award winning journalist and the only undefeated superstar in the WWE. I also noticed he jumped halfway up the ranks of the Power 25. He dances in front of Lawler and then hides in his booth when King gets up. We are back to King and Matthews with Cole for this week. We see that segment was apparently pointless as John Cena arrives.
Cena tries to hype the match up or us. Cena wants the match to be for the title and decides to reinsert Miz into the feud by challenging for the title, but first he’s interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton is wearing a shirt tonight because it’s a new one and needs to sell as good as Cena’s new shit does. Orton points out that somebody who actually won their Wrestlemania match should get a shot at the title…and John Morrison appears.. Um….Snooki won your match. Get the fuck out of here. Morrison says he sees where this is going since he’s seen this show before…we all have, but the show is going to be even better with him involved. Hilariously I actually heard Vickie try to beak in early and they ignore her until she remembers her cue and breaks in for real with Dolph Ziggler. She points out that she pinned him in a match recently so he doesn’t deserve it, but maybe she does…or maybe Ziggler. I didn’t make up that joke, she said it.
For some reason, R-Truth appears. I wasn’t aware he still worked here after the last several weeks. Haven’t seen all these guys fight over this opportunity before? Except for Ziggler. He points out he’s never got a world title match before. There’s probably a good reason or that I would argue. Mostly because he’s not that good. Cole then reads us a predictable e-mail and drops the iPad pimp again. There will be a five man gauntlet match with two random guys starting the match, working through the rest in random order. The winner will be facing Miz a Extreme Rules. Oh, also Jack Swagger has a match against King in which if Swagger wins, Cole will be exempt from every facing him again. Edge apparently also has some rumored announcement about his career being over or something. Uh, okay? That’s odd.
Random Commercial Thought: I hate Chipotle. I said it.
Um, so we return to what looks like a scene from Dead Silence, but with a Bratz doll. Somebody flicks the girl’s head off and I think it was Awesome Kong. Speaking of Divas, The Bellas are in the ring and forget they are on camera for a bit before deciding to try and emote. They fail at it.
Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Eve Torres (Diva’s Title Match)No wonder this wasn’t on Wrestlemania. I have anti-desire to see this. Eve has some kind of marker for he referee to mark the Bella’s hands so they can be told apart form each other. Eve gets bat out early and clotheslined from behind in the worst clothesline every performed by anyone ever. Brie continues to stomp Eve into the ground and do a slow, shitty hair pull. Perhaps they should have been taught how to wrestle before switching from face whores to wrestling heels. Eve escapes a chin lock with a bulldog and dropkick. Eve step kicks rie in the face and delivers a standing moonsault for two. Brie dodges a corner splash, but gets set up in a tree of woe for a running dropkick from Eve who stomps the shit out of her. Nikki tries to switch, but when Eve goes after her, She reveals herself and drags herself out of the ring, allowing Brie to hit the X-factor (yeah, X-pac’s finisher) for the win.
Primo vs. Sin CaraPrimo is doomed. Sin Cars counters a back drop with a headlock takedown and pointing. The pointing is apparently his thing. Sin Cara chants begin before Primo slaps him in the face. Primo starts to get some offense in as the crowd kind of wonders why Cara looks so fucking weak right now. He does a back flip…off of PRIMO’S FUCKING CHEST, before sending Primo to the floor and flying off the ropes onto him. Cara tosses Primo back in the ring who hits him with a baseball slide to send him back to he floor. Back in the ring, Cara eats some shots ot the head and a sloppy dropkick for one. Primo works a rest hold. I’m curious as to why Cara isn’t just dominating this match. Primo slams him to the ground as King sells this as the WWE being “tougher” than what Cara has taken on. Primo knocks himself the fuck out with a splash to the corner that he misses and starts eating big chops to the chest. Sin Cara starts coming in ith head scissors and some move I missed, but once again his momentum is killed dead by a charge ot the gut. Primo looks to go for a power bomb, but Sin Cara flips over into his own for two. The crowd is dying with the weird pace of this match at points. Primo gets back on his feet and goes up top, but Sin Cara botches his finisher off the top rope and falls to the floor. They sell this as Primo tossing him to the floor, but Sin Cara comes right back and kicks him in the face before backflipping with Primo off the top rope into a slam for the three. Impressive move.
The Corre vs. The AppleThe match is already in progress and Daniel Bryan is getting wrecked in the corner. Gabriel tags in and heel kicks him in the chest before picking up a two count. Jackson tags in to beat on Bryan in the corner and deliver a slow scoop slam that I’m sure hurts little girls. He drops an elbow for two like he’s Scott Steiner (not a compliment) before Wade tags in, does nothing of note and tags out to Heath. Remember when Wade was credible? Me either. Slater picks up a two count and works a head lock. Bryan manages to drop the weakest member of the team and just kick him off to tag in Santino instead of Henry. Santino destroys Slater with punches and an inverted atomic drop. He sends Gabriel off the apron and delivers his hip toss to head butt for two when Jackson and Wade break it up. Henry and Bourne take them out with a flying knee tackle by Bourne on Wade. Bryan dives to the floor on Wade. Santino fires up the cobra, but he’s tripped by Gabriel and Slater finishes it with a scorpion death drop.
Jerry The King Lawler w/ Jim Ross vs. Jack Swagger w/ Michael ColeKing eats a back body drop as Jim coaches him to protect his ankle. King then stops short of a trip maneuver by Swagger and socks him right in the jaw before imitating Swagger’s dance. Cole then gets stuck saying “You think you’re cute?” Swagger punches on King in the corner and works a headlock. Actually, all Cole is doing is repeating lines as if he’s afraid the camera isn’t fucking hearing it the first time. King backdrops out of the headlocks as Ross hilariously calls for a cover for some reason. Swagger trips him up for an ankle lock, but King makes the ropes. Swagger stomps at the ankle and slams his leg into the mat because he’s forgotten the difference between an ankle and a knee. Swagger works another rest hold as Ross hilariously points out working a wrist lock after an ankle lock is really fucking stupid. Swagger hammer on King in the corner and taunts for a bit. The crowd seems to anti-care about this.
Randy Orton vs. Dolph ZigglerAHAHAHA. Okay, we know how this is going. I give him five minutes tops not including commercials. Orton hilarious lightly puts Dolph down and just tries to cover him as if that will get a win. It still gets two somehow. Dolph retaliates with a Rocker Dropper for two. Ziggler is working a headlock at the moment after a coupe of other two counts. Miz points out he’s beaten everyone on the list multiple times except Dolph Ziggler. He thinks Vickie is the most deserving. Orton powers back on Ziggler with his general offense and a power slam. Ziggler crawls to the ropes as JR calls this good ring presence as if Orton doesn’t have a move ENTIRELY based around people being there. Sure enough, there was a DDT. Orton powers up for an RKO, but the Nexus suddenly appears and distracts him for a rollup by Ziggler for three.
R-Truth vs. Dolph ZigglerNot sure I ever wanted to see this match. Ziggler rushes Truth to try and take him out early. Truth gets stomped as amusingly Miz does an analysis of how Truth could actually be hard core instead of high-fiving kids. Ziggler works a headlock because Randy Orton has already called it a night. Glad we can continue that Nexus feud as if nothing happened at Wrestlemania I guess. Truth fights free, but Ziggler drops him for a one count. Ziggler delivers a big back body drop for two. Truth starts to rally back, dodging a corner charge and delivering an uppercut and some punches and kicks. Truth slams Ziggler out of a vertical suplex for a two count of his own. Ziggler comes back from this with a neck beaker for two. Truth suddenly leaps up and drops Ziggler with some kind of…what is it a single arm DDT? I’m not even sure.
John Morrison vs. R-TruthThe match is already in progress with both men countering into pins over and over for two counts. Truth spins out of a pin to standing as they stare down and shake hands. Morrison tackles into another quick pin for one. Truth eats a hand slam and Morrison actually delivers his breakdance leg drop for two for the first time in a long time. Morrison works a headlock. Miz just called Cena “SuperCena” and I lolled. Morrison hit’s a Russian Leg Sweep and checks Truth to the floor. Truth trips him up and they go to the outside where…they run right into each other head first. Oh God. Please don’t do a double count out. They both make it back at nine.
John Cena vs. R-Truth (#1 Contender’s Match)Cena is prepping to fight Truth who is circling around with him. Cena works an arm bar as the crowd is huge dueling Cena/Cena sucks chants. Miz points out only five year olds and girls are on one side and everyone else has a brain. He almost said Balls. Cena picks up an early two count and Cena then delivers a fisherman suplex that he just throws him out of for another two. Cena gets a back body drop for yet another two. Cena looks at R-Truth to make sure he hasn’t installed Kryptonite in his chest like Metallo. Cena goes for a side scoop slam which picks up another two yet again. Truth starts slapping at the ground like he’s Randy Orton. Is he….hulking up?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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