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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

April 11, 2011


I’m coming in right off the end of Tough Enough that ran before this and I had to laugh at Austin’s speech to that midget guy. It had me rolling. I should probably start watching this show if he bitches them out this hard every week. Schadenfruede keeps me alive. Yes….their misery makes me stronger.

Raw 04.11.11

Tonight, let’s begin the build for Wrestlemania!…only twelve fucking months away. Or maybe they’ll just do a replacement Wrestlemania early to make up for this year’s. The show opens without theme or pyro as Michael Cole is introduced as an award winning journalist and the only undefeated superstar in the WWE. I also noticed he jumped halfway up the ranks of the Power 25. He dances in front of Lawler and then hides in his booth when King gets up. We are back to King and Matthews with Cole for this week. We see that segment was apparently pointless as John Cena arrives.

Cena tries to hype the match up or us. Cena wants the match to be for the title and decides to reinsert Miz into the feud by challenging for the title, but first he’s interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton is wearing a shirt tonight because it’s a new one and needs to sell as good as Cena’s new shit does. Orton points out that somebody who actually won their Wrestlemania match should get a shot at the title…and John Morrison appears.. Um….Snooki won your match. Get the fuck out of here. Morrison says he sees where this is going since he’s seen this show before…we all have, but the show is going to be even better with him involved. Hilariously I actually heard Vickie try to beak in early and they ignore her until she remembers her cue and breaks in for real with Dolph Ziggler. She points out that she pinned him in a match recently so he doesn’t deserve it, but maybe she does…or maybe Ziggler. I didn’t make up that joke, she said it.

For some reason, R-Truth appears. I wasn’t aware he still worked here after the last several weeks. Haven’t seen all these guys fight over this opportunity before? Except for Ziggler. He points out he’s never got a world title match before. There’s probably a good reason or that I would argue. Mostly because he’s not that good. Cole then reads us a predictable e-mail and drops the iPad pimp again. There will be a five man gauntlet match with two random guys starting the match, working through the rest in random order. The winner will be facing Miz a Extreme Rules. Oh, also Jack Swagger has a match against King in which if Swagger wins, Cole will be exempt from every facing him again. Edge apparently also has some rumored announcement about his career being over or something. Uh, okay? That’s odd.

Random Commercial Thought: I hate Chipotle. I said it.

Um, so we return to what looks like a scene from Dead Silence, but with a Bratz doll. Somebody flicks the girl’s head off and I think it was Awesome Kong. Speaking of Divas, The Bellas are in the ring and forget they are on camera for a bit before deciding to try and emote. They fail at it.

Brie Bella w/ Nikki Bella vs. Diva’s Champion Eve Torres (Diva’s Title Match)

No wonder this wasn’t on Wrestlemania. I have anti-desire to see this. Eve has some kind of marker for he referee to mark the Bella’s hands so they can be told apart form each other. Eve gets bat out early and clotheslined from behind in the worst clothesline every performed by anyone ever. Brie continues to stomp Eve into the ground and do a slow, shitty hair pull. Perhaps they should have been taught how to wrestle before switching from face whores to wrestling heels. Eve escapes a chin lock with a bulldog and dropkick. Eve step kicks rie in the face and delivers a standing moonsault for two. Brie dodges a corner splash, but gets set up in a tree of woe for a running dropkick from Eve who stomps the shit out of her. Nikki tries to switch, but when Eve goes after her, She reveals herself and drags herself out of the ring, allowing Brie to hit the X-factor (yeah, X-pac’s finisher) for the win.

Winner: Brie

Yep. Credibility. Gone. Eve barely had any, but this is just sad. We learn Sin Cara will have an actual match next after randomly beating up dudes all week.

Random Commercial Thought: Rivers of animals.

Back to the show where Eve is having a fucking nervous break down or something when Gail Kim says she’s sorry. Eve says she knows none of the divas really care about each other and that they just want their next title shot. Natalya tries to console her as well to little avail. Also Tamina appears for…some reason? She says nothing and grabs deodorant. I don’t know why.. Here comes Sin Cara. Anyone else notice Sin Cara stole a remixed Umaga entrance theme? Cole and King seem to be ignoring Cole tonight, which makes his commentary incredibly weird and awkward as he just says something incredibly inflammatory, everything goes quiet, and Matthews just randomly starts talking about something else.

Primo vs. Sin Cara

Primo is doomed. Sin Cars counters a back drop with a headlock takedown and pointing. The pointing is apparently his thing. Sin Cara chants begin before Primo slaps him in the face. Primo starts to get some offense in as the crowd kind of wonders why Cara looks so fucking weak right now. He does a back flip…off of PRIMO’S FUCKING CHEST, before sending Primo to the floor and flying off the ropes onto him. Cara tosses Primo back in the ring who hits him with a baseball slide to send him back to he floor. Back in the ring, Cara eats some shots ot the head and a sloppy dropkick for one. Primo works a rest hold. I’m curious as to why Cara isn’t just dominating this match. Primo slams him to the ground as King sells this as the WWE being “tougher” than what Cara has taken on. Primo knocks himself the fuck out with a splash to the corner that he misses and starts eating big chops to the chest. Sin Cara starts coming in ith head scissors and some move I missed, but once again his momentum is killed dead by a charge ot the gut. Primo looks to go for a power bomb, but Sin Cara flips over into his own for two. The crowd is dying with the weird pace of this match at points. Primo gets back on his feet and goes up top, but Sin Cara botches his finisher off the top rope and falls to the floor. They sell this as Primo tossing him to the floor, but Sin Cara comes right back and kicks him in the face before backflipping with Primo off the top rope into a slam for the three. Impressive move.

Winner: Sin Cara

Yeah, not the best debut, considering the really goofy pacing of the match, when this probably should have been a squash. Also, he botched his finisher which is a bad thing to do your first night. Still, he could be a lot more awesome in the future, but I’ve tried telling the women I sleep with his and it never seems to work.

Random Commercial Thought: I contemplated skipping these commercials to trim my nose hair. Live with that.

We return to a replay of the Corre having their credibility crushed last week even further. Wade is in the ring to bitch and blame the others for their asses getting kicked, saying they need to keep their end of the bargain as members. Gabriel points out his 450 splash has raped more people than anyone else. Heath has to correct him that they are champs together. Ezekiel Jackson tries to hype himself up but nobody really cares because he sucks. Isn’t his sole claim to fame being the guy who won the ECW title the night is ceased to exist? Santino’s music hits and he is joined at the entrance by Evan Bourne. Mark Henry and Daniel Bryan. Santino says if they are the core, he’s presenting the Apple. (Allied people Powered by Loathing Everything….that you stand for.) He says they challenge them to a fight in the name of Kozlov. He then has the Apple Power unit with a fist bump in a circle. Henry humorously does this nonchalantly. So….I kind of hope this is real.

Random Commercial Thought: Was that chick modifying he chicken like it was her iPad screen?

Back to the show for a really weird match.

The Corre vs. The Apple

The match is already in progress and Daniel Bryan is getting wrecked in the corner. Gabriel tags in and heel kicks him in the chest before picking up a two count. Jackson tags in to beat on Bryan in the corner and deliver a slow scoop slam that I’m sure hurts little girls. He drops an elbow for two like he’s Scott Steiner (not a compliment) before Wade tags in, does nothing of note and tags out to Heath. Remember when Wade was credible? Me either. Slater picks up a two count and works a head lock. Bryan manages to drop the weakest member of the team and just kick him off to tag in Santino instead of Henry. Santino destroys Slater with punches and an inverted atomic drop. He sends Gabriel off the apron and delivers his hip toss to head butt for two when Jackson and Wade break it up. Henry and Bourne take them out with a flying knee tackle by Bourne on Wade. Bryan dives to the floor on Wade. Santino fires up the cobra, but he’s tripped by Gabriel and Slater finishes it with a scorpion death drop.

Winners: Corre

Hmm, nope. Still not buying they have credibility yet. Swagger/King is next with the stip that Cole will retire undefeated if King loses. JR arrives for this as Cole introduces him. JR casually tries to open the door to the cage and starts tearing it the fuck apart. Swagger tries to get the jump on King, but he dodges the assault and tears into him until the ref pull everyone off. JR looks kind of hilarious trying to fight off the ref and get to that cage door. Like that fat guy that just wants his milkshake on Robot Chicken..

Random Commercial Thought: The Ringmaster sucked.

Back to the show where the match is getting underway.

Jerry The King Lawler w/ Jim Ross vs. Jack Swagger w/ Michael Cole

King eats a back body drop as Jim coaches him to protect his ankle. King then stops short of a trip maneuver by Swagger and socks him right in the jaw before imitating Swagger’s dance. Cole then gets stuck saying “You think you’re cute?” Swagger punches on King in the corner and works a headlock. Actually, all Cole is doing is repeating lines as if he’s afraid the camera isn’t fucking hearing it the first time. King backdrops out of the headlocks as Ross hilariously calls for a cover for some reason. Swagger trips him up for an ankle lock, but King makes the ropes. Swagger stomps at the ankle and slams his leg into the mat because he’s forgotten the difference between an ankle and a knee. Swagger works another rest hold as Ross hilariously points out working a wrist lock after an ankle lock is really fucking stupid. Swagger hammer on King in the corner and taunts for a bit. The crowd seems to anti-care about this.

King hulks up after a few corner turnbuckle slams. The trap goes down and King starts pummeling away at swagger who starts selling like he’s HBK against Hogan. King takes a kick to the knee to stop his momentum and Swagger hoists him up only for King to slip free and dropkick him into the corner. This killed Swagger dead for some reason. Cole gets on the apron and distracts King who starts stalking him. Swagger is up and clotheslines King to the mat. Ross then promptly decks Cole flat. Swagger tries to intervene and King rolls him up with a schoolboy for the three.

Winner: King

Cole does his best flabbergasted look for a while, rubbing his jaws. We also find out that this apparently guarantees an Extreme Rules rematch with Jerry-picked stipulations that no one EVER wants to see. Cole gets up in Swagger’s face who says Cole distracted him. Cole keeps poking him in the chest and asking if he’s an idiot and Swagger, who I swear has been doubling as Biff from Back to the Future recently. Cole reminds him he pays him good money and slaps Swagger in the face who proceeds to Biff Up and chase Cole out of the ring.

King, who is puffing like a hipster from a bong (that’s what they do, right?…I’m so uncool). He says the match needs to be a tag team match…the crowd could care less. It’s JR and King against Cole and Swagger. King reminds Jack he just got slapped in he face and asks him how he feels about that as Swagger huffs and puffs in anger. Matthews tries to somehow segue this into a segment about Triple H and the Undertaker from the views of superstars. It’s a pretty nice segment, but seems like it belongs on an Undertaker DVD and not Raw. Cena is seen speaking to Edge in the back and shaking hands as Edge heads through the back.

Random Commercial Thought: I guess I’ll have to go see Scream 4 so I can regret it.

Back to the show. Um, who cares about the Diva’s Hall of Fame gowns? I probably don’t want to know the answer. Edge arrives to talk about his old broken neck injury. He says he’s been losing feeling in his arms recently and says his MRIs show he has to retire. He says he’s glad that he will at least not be in a wheelchair. He recounts his entire career to the rest of us. He even remembers his live sex celebration and thanks God it was with Lita and not Vickie. I worry about which is worse now. The speech is of course much longer than I let on here, but Edge eventually thanks everyone for the memories before heading out. Well, that kind of sucks. I know I’ve given the guy a hard time, but he’s honestly a lot better than I usually gave him credit for.

Random Commercial Thought: I chose to use this as a moment of silence, and not to just shut up the commercials….okay, mostly that.

We see a shot from moments ago of Edge leaving to applause from all the wrestlers and hugging them all on his way out. King and JR are joining Matthews on the microphone for this. The Miz now appears. Miz used Mean Look! The Audience can’t escape! I’ll never be tired of the pokemon joke. Miz and riley are joining them on the microphone for the gauntlet match. Here we go…

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler

AHAHAHA. Okay, we know how this is going. I give him five minutes tops not including commercials. Orton hilarious lightly puts Dolph down and just tries to cover him as if that will get a win. It still gets two somehow. Dolph retaliates with a Rocker Dropper for two. Ziggler is working a headlock at the moment after a coupe of other two counts. Miz points out he’s beaten everyone on the list multiple times except Dolph Ziggler. He thinks Vickie is the most deserving. Orton powers back on Ziggler with his general offense and a power slam. Ziggler crawls to the ropes as JR calls this good ring presence as if Orton doesn’t have a move ENTIRELY based around people being there. Sure enough, there was a DDT. Orton powers up for an RKO, but the Nexus suddenly appears and distracts him for a rollup by Ziggler for three.

Winner: Ziggler

Okay, I rescind my prediction from earlier. This doesn’t count. They just needed someone to job to the next guy maybe…Nexus hits the ring and Mason Ryan crushes Orton with a big boot to he head. Ryan finishes things with a power bomb in order to cement himself as Batista2 as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Foot Long of the month sounds like a Vivid Porno ad.

R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler

Not sure I ever wanted to see this match. Ziggler rushes Truth to try and take him out early. Truth gets stomped as amusingly Miz does an analysis of how Truth could actually be hard core instead of high-fiving kids. Ziggler works a headlock because Randy Orton has already called it a night. Glad we can continue that Nexus feud as if nothing happened at Wrestlemania I guess. Truth fights free, but Ziggler drops him for a one count. Ziggler delivers a big back body drop for two. Truth starts to rally back, dodging a corner charge and delivering an uppercut and some punches and kicks. Truth slams Ziggler out of a vertical suplex for a two count of his own. Ziggler comes back from this with a neck beaker for two. Truth suddenly leaps up and drops Ziggler with some kind of…what is it a single arm DDT? I’m not even sure.

Winner: Truth

Next up? John Morrison. So….Cena gets to be last? Laaaaame.

Random Commercial Thought: That cartoon in the car commercial looked like shit and suspiciously public domain.

John Morrison vs. R-Truth

The match is already in progress with both men countering into pins over and over for two counts. Truth spins out of a pin to standing as they stare down and shake hands. Morrison tackles into another quick pin for one. Truth eats a hand slam and Morrison actually delivers his breakdance leg drop for two for the first time in a long time. Morrison works a headlock. Miz just called Cena “SuperCena” and I lolled. Morrison hit’s a Russian Leg Sweep and checks Truth to the floor. Truth trips him up and they go to the outside where…they run right into each other head first. Oh God. Please don’t do a double count out. They both make it back at nine.

Morrison nails some clotheslines and a spinning side dropkick (I can call it whatever I want) for two. Truth tosses Morrison over his shoulder into a crazy jaw buster that picks up two for himself. Truth goes for a Lie Detector, but Morrison holds the ropes to block. Morrison now hits the Flash Kick and drags Truth to the corner, but he misses Starship Pain entirely. Morrison then drops him with the same move he used on Ziggler.

Winner: Truth

Are…they actually pushing R-Truth as credible? Miz rightly point out this is a little unfair as Cena arrives.

Random Commercial Thought: Not sure how I feel about Thor. Looks like they messed with his character a lot.

Before we get to the show, they hype up Edge relinquishing the title this week on Smackdown. Classy..

John Cena vs. R-Truth (#1 Contender’s Match)

Cena is prepping to fight Truth who is circling around with him. Cena works an arm bar as the crowd is huge dueling Cena/Cena sucks chants. Miz points out only five year olds and girls are on one side and everyone else has a brain. He almost said Balls. Cena picks up an early two count and Cena then delivers a fisherman suplex that he just throws him out of for another two. Cena gets a back body drop for yet another two. Cena looks at R-Truth to make sure he hasn’t installed Kryptonite in his chest like Metallo. Cena goes for a side scoop slam which picks up another two yet again. Truth starts slapping at the ground like he’s Randy Orton. Is he….hulking up?

Cena delivers another one of those tossing suplexes which still only gets two. Cena climbs up top for the guillotine leg drop and mostly misses it, but still it’s just two. Cena laughs and asks the ref if he’s fucking serious. Big R-Truth chants building now. Truth socks Cena one right in the jaw that decks him flat. Why did Cena sell that so hard? The dueling chants are back in full force and Truth is running Cena down with clotheslines and the big hip toss. Cena stands up holding his arm and eats the Lie Detector for two. Truth starts waiting for Cena to stand up and goes for the same finisher from before, but Cena just throws him right off and goes into his shoulder blocks and the protobomb. Cena taunts Miz before going to the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Truth stands into an FU and Miz attacks Cena with Alex Riley tackling R-Truth.

Winner: Double DQ….BULLSHIT

I’m serious. They really said a Double DQ. Miz says both are losers by that definition, which I think is the only time I’ve ever heard that decision. Miz says there is no #1 Contender now before the GM responds. King reads it for us. The GM agrees that there is no #1 Contender, there are two now. It will now be a Triple Threat Match at Extreme Rules, because Cena must always be in the Main Event. Truth and Cena then attack right after and dump Miz before Riley eats the FU. Truth and Cena then proceed to stare down before shaking hands. They then take turns playfully hitting each other a little harder each time. Cena eventually shoves Truth clear across the ring but he just laughs and leaves.

Highlight of the Night: Would have to be someone new actually being inserted into the title picture for once, even if it has to bring Cena back with it.

Lowlight of the Night:Edge retires. Wow. That sucks.

WWE "Creative" Award: Uhg, more Cole/King “goodness” in the loosest definition of that word possible.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).