Welcome. In case you
missed Smackdown this week, all you need to know is
that Swagger cashed in his briefcase for
“really-reals” this time on Jericho after Edge took
Jericho out for him. In other news, Cryme Tyme broke
up for no reason other than we aren’t allowed to
have more than two tag teams at any time. So let’s
get right into things.
The show opens with Swagger in a pin-striped suit he
apparently stole out of Vince McMahon’s closet. He
runs the footage of his victory, which is oddly
interspersed with from-the-audience camera footage
of the titantron, which is quite possibly the most
pointless camera shot I have ever seen. Swagger says
he took on Jericho because he’s the “Beast at what
he does” which makes him Wolverine. I guess this is
better than that time Hulk Hogan cut a promo on
Sinestro (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t_S8eIOrP4 )
He says no one on Raw,
including Cena, compares to his abilities and this
of course draws the attention of John Cena. Cena
comes out and proceeds to cut possibly one of the
worst promos of the year. It basically boils down to
Cena saying he could beat Swagger’s ass. Cena claims
that Swagger is not championship material and says
he could make Swagger tap out, but he’ll do one more
and put his own title on the line in a champion vs.
champion match. Swagger says that doesn’t work for
him when Orton interrupts things.
Swagger obviously should want to face the man who
beat him last week. Orton decides not to bore me for
too long by talking when ShowMiz arrive. Miz says
Orton and Cena are stealing the spotlight. Miz is
suddenly interrupted in his own insults by our host,
the dude with a retarded star cut in his head.
Otunga is hosting tonight. Yep, don’t care. He makes
a match between Swagger and Orton. ShowMiz are
defending the titles tonight against Batista and
Cena. Um. Why are we repeating this storyline? They
did that with Edge and Cena. Orton then tries to
deliver and RKO to Cena, who casually shoves him off
with one hand and instead he rebounds into an RKO on
Swagger. Uh. Again. Why?
Thought: I don’t trust toothless Asians to tell me
where to buy cars.
We come back to a match between Kofi who has
decided to drop the Jamaican colors for some red and
black. He’s going to be buried by Sheamus now. I
would really like to know who has the fucking hard
on for Sheamus in the writing staff.
Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus
crushes Kofi with a backbreaker early on and begins
to drop knees to the back and work rest holds. Kofi
comes back with a dropkick in the corner but when he
tries to leap to the apron, Sheamus does…something.
Could be a hug or pulling the hair. Kofi kicks him
off and springboards into a cross body. Sheamus eats
a rapid assault and tires to toss Kofi who
springboards back in. Kofi leaps into a mounted
punch in the corner and flips back out into an
incredibly shitting pump kick. It’s done so badly,
they redo the spot with Kofi eating it again. The
crowd sounds like it died inside. I did that long
ago watching Sheamus matches. Sheamus does a cross
symbol on himself before delivering the totally not
Razor’s Edge for the three.
Post-match, Sheamus gets a pipe that was under the
ring. Who the fuck puts a random eight-inch pipe
under the ring? He drags Kofi up for a beat down
with it. We see Triple H headed through the back as
we go to commercial.
Thought: Every time I’m at Schlotzkey’s, however you
spell that, I see something gross in the back that
makes me want to never go there again.
great, he’s still there. Sheamus says he won his
first title in six months instead of Michaels’ six
years, and blames the ruining of his career by
Triple H beating him at Wrestlemania. Sheamus says
Michaels decided to leave so he wouldn’t have to
face him. I’m…not sure how that even makes any sense
at all. Have they ever been in the same room as one
another before? Sheamus asks if Trips is going to
come get raped again or leave like Michaels. Trips’
music hits and he wanders out to the ring. Remember
when Wrestlemania used to be the end of feuds? Now
it’s really just another match on the way it seems.
I like how he strips his jacket and still down his
water spit just for the hell of it. He also
apparently got drench right before coming out. Trips
pauses before getting in the ring, seeming to
back down before he gets his sledgehammer and beats
Sheamus to the floor.
Trips gives chase and
destroys some monitors apparently made of Chinese
fireworks as Sheamus dodges and makes a run for it
through the crowd. Trips says it is like a silly
Irish-man to bring a pipe to a sledgehammer fight.
Uh. What? So, next week is Sheamus going to bring a
chainsaw, and then Trips will bring a machine gun?
We learn there will be a Diva’s Dress to Impress
Battle Royal for a title shot. Nobody cared.
Random Commercial Thought: Furry Vengeance is oddly
not a movie about the rise of the furry fandom come
to destroy us all.
Back to the show where the
divas strut out in dresses to give fan service. I
refuse to recap this crap. Suffice to say it’s
an incredibly fast diva battle royal, with those
stupid rules that they just have to fall out of the
ring in any way to lose because the divas are
pussies. See what I did there? Eve Torres
predictably wins this, making me wonder why they
even had it happen, and why it couldn’t have just
been a normal match.
Thought: I spent the last match making burgers.
Back to the show where we get a video package about
David Otunga who Michael Cole claims is “the man
simply known as…A-list” despite having just said his
name. We then see him in the back with his “crew”
talking about how awesome he is. Uh. He then does
the whole “only green M&Ms” bit that’s been done so
many times it’s stupid. Santino comes in looking for
the A-Team because he’s the VP of the A-Team fan
club. Also Hornswoggle eats the M&Ms. Speaking of
A-team, the new movie this year will have Mr. T’s
character of B. A. Barracus being portrayed by UFC
fighter Quintin “Rampage” Jackson. Just a fun fact.
We see ShowMiz walking through the back as we go
back to commercials.
Thought: That’s the best way to have shotgun.
Back to the show. Why can’t they just have a normal
theme for their team instead of combining The Show
and Miz themes into some kind of hybrid abomination
unto my hearing. As Cena comes out, I have to think
of how funny it is that there are a total of six
belts in the ring. Four tag team belts, the US title
and the WWE title. Hey, remember when people used to
wrestle for the United States title when it meant
something? Remember when Cena was? Batista has the
match get underway before getting there and Cena
goes to a different corner instead of be near the
Champion John Cena & Batista vs. Unified Tag Team
Champions ShowMiz (Tag Team Title Match)
Cena starts out with owning Miz and eventually goes
for an FU but Miz grabs the ropes as Show tags in
and puts Cena down with a head butt. Show tags out
to Miz who gets wrecked by Cena. Cena goes for the
tag but Batista just leaves instead. Cena knocks Miz
down and runs after Batista, beating on him on the
ramp. Cena gets counted out as Batista breaks away
out to say that ShowMiz are going to defend the
belts a second time. I’m sure everyone wants to see
another Big Show match tonight. Is this guy a heel
or not? Make up their minds. Cena is going to team
with Otunga instead it seems since Batista didn’t
work out. He gets the same chick pop as Cena and
brushes off a handshake with Cena.
Commercial Thought: Buy boxers from a restaurant.
Back to the show where Ted Dibaise comes out with
the Million Dollar Belt. It’s a little amusing to
see how much smaller the belts actually were back
then compared to the ones we use now. This is joined
with the replay of Dibiase losing the Legends
Lumberjack Match. He says his dad did not make up
for the all the times he missed in his life. He says
his dad knows how to win him over, through his
wallet and the belt. I think he’s planning on
developing a laugh too but not ready to use it as
Christian hits the ring for a rematch.
Dibiase vs. Christian
While Christian works
Dibiase over and sends him to the floor, we get a
history of the belt. Christian hit’s a dropkick
through the ropes and springboards into a cross body
on the floor. Christian gets put in a headlock back
in the ring and rallies out but Dibiase runs him
over with a clothesline. Christian tries to figure
out what happened to his push and career while
Dibiase punches him down and misses a corner charge.
Christian nails his little flip over kick to the
head and sets Dibiase up on the middle rope for an
uppercut. Christian lands a cross body from the top
for two and rallies the crowd for the Killswitch but
Dibiase blocks and goes for Dream Street. Christian
counters into Killswitch but it’s countered into
snap mare. Christian goes for the schoolboy but only
gets two. Dibiase dodges a Tornado DDT and sends
Christian into the corner to bounce back into Dream
Thought: Don’t try this at home unless you are one
of the many professional wrestlers who tried this at
Back to the show where we start getting
some pimping for the Draft later this month and a
video package about Shawn Michaels that just
bookends with commercials.
Thought: So what you’re saying is Cox really spins
Back to the show where Swagger
staggers (alliteration!) out to take on Orton.
Randy Orton vs. World Heavyweight
Champion Jack Swagger (Non-Title Match)
Orton is worked around in the corner only to power
back and start his stalking stomps. He drops the big
knee on Swagger and picks up a two count before
being dragged off of Swagger in the corner. A big
suplex from Swagger as he powers back from the
corner before clothes lining Orton to the floor and
to commercials. God, really?
Commercial Thought: Splintercell, now with more
Back to the match where Orton seems
to be in control only for Swagger to take control
and beat Orton all around the ring. The announcers
talk about how Swagger doesn’t deserve a title
because he preyed on the already injured Jericho,
which is definitely not something almost every other
MitB winner has done. Oh wait. Orton dumps Swagger
to the floor and catches him on the way back in with
a stunning shot to set up the suspended DDT, but
Swagger gets his foot on the ropes. Swagger tries to
comes back at Orton but is just cut off at every
turn, taking the power slam and the back breaker.
Orton goes for the RKO but it’s countered into a big
kick from swagger who picks up two off of his corner
body splash. Swagger hit’s a second one and sets up
for the gut wrench power bomb. Orton flips out and
delivers an RKO for the win.
They try to hype us up for another Cena title match
coming up as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Bitch, please. Darksied dares
all. He’ll eat any fucking Doritos he wants.
Back to the show. Next week, David Hasselhoff is
going to host. The show will be extended to four
hours to make up for everyone moving in slow motion.
John Morrison is predicted to enter the ring at
about four frames per second. Time for our second
tag team titles match.
WWE Champion John Cena & David Otunga vs. Unified
Tag Team Champions ShowMiz (Tag Team Title Match)
Cena works the arm of Miz and immediately tags in
Otunga. Otunga runs Miz down with some shoulder
blocks and picks up a one count. He tags back to
Cena who pounds Miz into the corner and delivers a
bulldog for two. Miz delivers an elbow out of the
corner and Miz plays up pain in his jaw while Show
knocks Cena out from behind. Miz has to be dragged
off of some ground and pound before running Cena
down with a kick for two. Cena is sent to the corner
for Big Show to make his way in and pound Cena down.
Cole rattles off some inches as I wonder just how
many eggs you can cook in Big Show’s skillet hands.
Cena is stood on in the corner and eats some cheap
shots from Miz as well.
Miz makes the tag and
is chucked by Show into Cena. Who knew Miz was
useful as a blunt object? Miz works a chin lock on
Cena. It takes a while but Cena finally powers out
and they clothesline each other. Cena dives for the
tag and Otunga gives us a rerun mid-show and doesn’t
take the tag. Show tags in behind Cena and crushes
him with the big right hand.
Batista comes out after the fact and delivers a
Batista Bomb. It’s pretty bad when WWE is constantly
giving us reruns of the last decade, but it’s even
worse that they are giving us reruns of shit we saw
tonight. Otunga says Batista has an announcement to
make. He says he’ll be having his rematch at Extreme
Rules where the only way to win is to be the Last
Man Standing so tap out won’t work again. Wasn’t
Cena in a Last Man Standing match at last year’s
Extreme Rules? Even more reruns.
Highlight of the Night: Swagger and Orton
put on a decent match.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva Battle Royal
was almost insulting.
WWE “Creative” Award: Redo the exact same
plot within the same show? Absolutely pathetic
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).