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RAW RANT:
(04/05/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome. In case you missed Smackdown this week, all you need to know is that Swagger cashed in his briefcase for “really-reals” this time on Jericho after Edge took Jericho out for him. In other news, Cryme Tyme broke up for no reason other than we aren’t allowed to have more than two tag teams at any time. So let’s get right into things.

Raw 04.05.10

The show opens with Swagger in a pin-striped suit he apparently stole out of Vince McMahon’s closet. He runs the footage of his victory, which is oddly interspersed with from-the-audience camera footage of the titantron, which is quite possibly the most pointless camera shot I have ever seen. Swagger says he took on Jericho because he’s the “Beast at what he does” which makes him Wolverine. I guess this is better than that time Hulk Hogan cut a promo on Sinestro (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t_S8eIOrP4 )
He says no one on Raw, including Cena, compares to his abilities and this of course draws the attention of John Cena. Cena comes out and proceeds to cut possibly one of the worst promos of the year. It basically boils down to Cena saying he could beat Swagger’s ass. Cena claims that Swagger is not championship material and says he could make Swagger tap out, but he’ll do one more and put his own title on the line in a champion vs. champion match. Swagger says that doesn’t work for him when Orton interrupts things.

Orton says Swagger obviously should want to face the man who beat him last week. Orton decides not to bore me for too long by talking when ShowMiz arrive. Miz says Orton and Cena are stealing the spotlight. Miz is suddenly interrupted in his own insults by our host, the dude with a retarded star cut in his head. Otunga is hosting tonight. Yep, don’t care. He makes a match between Swagger and Orton. ShowMiz are defending the titles tonight against Batista and Cena. Um. Why are we repeating this storyline? They did that with Edge and Cena. Orton then tries to deliver and RKO to Cena, who casually shoves him off with one hand and instead he rebounds into an RKO on Swagger. Uh. Again. Why?

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t trust toothless Asians to tell me where to buy cars.

We come back to a match between Kofi who has decided to drop the Jamaican colors for some red and black. He’s going to be buried by Sheamus now. I would really like to know who has the fucking hard on for Sheamus in the writing staff.

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus

Sheamus crushes Kofi with a backbreaker early on and begins to drop knees to the back and work rest holds. Kofi comes back with a dropkick in the corner but when he tries to leap to the apron, Sheamus does…something. Could be a hug or pulling the hair. Kofi kicks him off and springboards into a cross body. Sheamus eats a rapid assault and tires to toss Kofi who springboards back in. Kofi leaps into a mounted punch in the corner and flips back out into an incredibly shitting pump kick. It’s done so badly, they redo the spot with Kofi eating it again. The crowd sounds like it died inside. I did that long ago watching Sheamus matches. Sheamus does a cross symbol on himself before delivering the totally not Razor’s Edge for the three.
Winner: Sheamus

Post-match, Sheamus gets a pipe that was under the ring. Who the fuck puts a random eight-inch pipe under the ring? He drags Kofi up for a beat down with it. We see Triple H headed through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Every time I’m at Schlotzkey’s, however you spell that, I see something gross in the back that makes me want to never go there again.

Oh great, he’s still there. Sheamus says he won his first title in six months instead of Michaels’ six years, and blames the ruining of his career by Triple H beating him at Wrestlemania. Sheamus says Michaels decided to leave so he wouldn’t have to face him. I’m…not sure how that even makes any sense at all. Have they ever been in the same room as one another before? Sheamus asks if Trips is going to come get raped again or leave like Michaels. Trips’ music hits and he wanders out to the ring. Remember when Wrestlemania used to be the end of feuds? Now it’s really just another match on the way it seems. I like how he strips his jacket and still down his water spit just for the hell of it. He also apparently got drench right before coming out. Trips pauses before getting in the ring, seeming to  back down before he gets his sledgehammer and beats Sheamus to the floor.

Trips gives chase and destroys some monitors apparently made of Chinese fireworks as Sheamus dodges and makes a run for it through the crowd. Trips says it is like a silly Irish-man to bring a pipe to a sledgehammer fight. Uh. What? So, next week is Sheamus going to bring a chainsaw, and then Trips will bring a machine gun? We learn there will be a Diva’s Dress to Impress Battle Royal for a title shot. Nobody cared.

Random Commercial Thought: Furry Vengeance is oddly not a movie about the rise of the furry fandom come to destroy us all.

Back to the show where the divas strut out in dresses to give fan service. I refuse to recap this crap.  Suffice to say it’s an incredibly fast diva battle royal, with those stupid rules that they just have to fall out of the ring in any way to lose because the divas are pussies. See what I did there? Eve Torres predictably wins this, making me wonder why they even had it happen, and why it couldn’t have just been a normal match.

Random Commercial Thought: I spent the last match making burgers.

Back to the show where we get a video package about David Otunga who Michael Cole claims is “the man simply known as…A-list” despite having just said his name. We then see him in the back with his “crew” talking about how awesome he is. Uh. He then does the whole “only green M&Ms” bit that’s been done so many times it’s stupid. Santino comes in looking for the A-Team because he’s the VP of the A-Team fan club. Also Hornswoggle eats the M&Ms. Speaking of  A-team, the new movie this year will have Mr. T’s character of B. A. Barracus being portrayed by UFC fighter Quintin “Rampage” Jackson. Just a fun fact. We see ShowMiz walking through the back as we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: That’s the best way to have shotgun.

Back to the show. Why can’t they just have a normal theme for their team instead of combining The Show and Miz themes into some kind of hybrid abomination unto my hearing. As Cena comes out, I have to think of how funny it is that there are a total of six belts in the ring. Four tag team belts, the US title and the WWE title. Hey, remember when people used to wrestle for the United States title when it meant something? Remember when Cena was? Batista has the match get underway before getting there and Cena goes to a different corner instead of be near the Teest.

WWE Champion John Cena & Batista vs. Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz (Tag Team Title Match)

Cena starts out with owning Miz and eventually goes for an FU but Miz grabs the ropes as Show tags in and puts Cena down with a head butt. Show tags out to Miz who gets wrecked by Cena. Cena goes for the tag but Batista just leaves instead. Cena knocks Miz down and runs after Batista, beating on him on the ramp. Cena gets counted out as Batista breaks away and leaves.
Winners: ShowMiz

Otunga comes out to say that ShowMiz are going to defend the belts a second time. I’m sure everyone wants to see another Big Show match tonight. Is this guy a heel or not? Make up their minds. Cena is going to team with Otunga instead it seems since Batista didn’t work out. He gets the same chick pop as Cena and brushes off a handshake with Cena.

Random Commercial Thought: Buy boxers from a restaurant.

Back to the show where Ted Dibaise comes out with the Million Dollar Belt. It’s a little amusing to see how much smaller the belts actually were back then compared to the ones we use now. This is joined with the replay of Dibiase losing the Legends Lumberjack Match. He says his dad did not make up for the all the times he missed in his life. He says his dad knows how to win him over, through his wallet and the belt. I think he’s planning on developing a laugh too but not ready to use it as Christian hits the ring for a rematch.

Ted Dibiase vs. Christian

While Christian works Dibiase over and sends him to the floor, we get a history of the belt. Christian hit’s a dropkick through the ropes and springboards into a cross body on the floor. Christian gets put in a headlock back in the ring and rallies out but Dibiase runs him over with a clothesline. Christian tries to figure out what happened to his push and career while Dibiase punches him down and misses a corner charge. Christian nails his little flip over kick to the head and sets Dibiase up on the middle rope for an uppercut. Christian lands a cross body from the top for two and rallies the crowd for the Killswitch but Dibiase blocks and goes for Dream Street. Christian counters into Killswitch but it’s countered into snap mare. Christian goes for the schoolboy but only gets two. Dibiase dodges a Tornado DDT and sends Christian into the corner to bounce back into Dream Street.
Winner: Dibiase

Random Commercial Thought: Don’t try this at home unless you are one of the many professional wrestlers who tried this at home.

Back to the show where we start getting some pimping for the Draft later this month and a video package about Shawn Michaels that just bookends with commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: So what you’re saying is Cox really spins your wheels?

Back to the show where Swagger staggers (alliteration!) out to take on Orton.

Randy Orton vs. World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger (Non-Title Match)

Orton is worked around in the corner only to power back and start his stalking stomps. He drops the big knee on Swagger and picks up a two count before being dragged off of Swagger in the corner. A big suplex from Swagger as he powers back from the corner before clothes lining Orton to the floor and to commercials. God, really?

Random Commercial Thought: Splintercell, now with more country.

Back to the match where Orton seems to be in control only for Swagger to take control and beat Orton all around the ring. The announcers talk about how Swagger doesn’t deserve a title because he preyed on the already injured Jericho, which is definitely not something almost every other MitB winner has done. Oh wait. Orton dumps Swagger to the floor and catches him on the way back in with a stunning shot to set up the suspended DDT, but Swagger gets his foot on the ropes. Swagger tries to comes back at Orton but is just cut off at every turn, taking the power slam and the back breaker. Orton goes for the RKO but it’s countered into a big kick from swagger who picks up two off of his corner body splash. Swagger hit’s a second one and sets up for the gut wrench power bomb. Orton flips out and delivers an RKO for the win.
Winner: Orton

They try to hype us up for another Cena title match coming up as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bitch, please. Darksied dares all. He’ll eat any fucking Doritos he wants.

Back to the show. Next week, David Hasselhoff is going to host. The show will be extended to four hours to make up for everyone moving in slow motion. John Morrison is predicted to enter the ring at about four frames per second. Time for our second tag team titles match.

WWE Champion John Cena & David Otunga vs. Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz (Tag Team Title Match)

Cena works the arm of Miz and immediately tags in Otunga. Otunga runs Miz down with some shoulder blocks and picks up a one count. He tags back to Cena who pounds Miz into the corner and delivers a bulldog for two. Miz delivers an elbow out of the corner and Miz plays up pain in his jaw while Show knocks Cena out from behind. Miz has to be dragged off of some ground and pound before running Cena down with a kick for two. Cena is sent to the corner for Big Show to make his way in and pound Cena down. Cole rattles off some inches as I wonder just how many eggs you can cook in Big Show’s skillet hands.  Cena is stood on in the corner and eats some cheap shots from Miz as well.

Miz makes the tag and is chucked by Show into Cena. Who knew Miz was useful as a blunt object? Miz works a chin lock on Cena. It takes a while but Cena finally powers out and they clothesline each other. Cena dives for the tag and Otunga gives us a rerun mid-show and doesn’t take the tag. Show tags in behind Cena and crushes him with the big right hand.
Winners: ShowMiz

Batista comes out after the fact and delivers a Batista Bomb. It’s pretty bad when WWE is constantly giving us reruns of the last decade, but it’s even worse that they are giving us reruns of shit we saw tonight. Otunga says Batista has an announcement to make. He says he’ll be having his rematch at Extreme Rules where the only way to win is to be the Last Man Standing so tap out won’t work again. Wasn’t Cena in a Last Man Standing match at last year’s Extreme Rules? Even more reruns.

Highlight of the Night: Swagger and Orton put on a decent match.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva Battle Royal was almost insulting.

WWE “Creative” Award: Redo the exact same plot within the same show? Absolutely pathetic writing.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).