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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

April 4, 2011


In tuning to the channel for Raw tonight, I was forced to nearly shit myself in terror at the sight that presented itself to my eyes when I saw Nash and Waltman with Trips and Michaels on stage. For a second, I thought I must have stepped through a time portal of some sort, but thankfully it was just a replay of the Hall of Fame ceremony. Did you miss Wrestlemania? Well, go read the recap of it then. Nothing important for us really happened, so there’s no recapping necessary to understand the current state of affairs.

Raw 04.04.11

We are greeted by…Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler?! They reunited last night following King’s match with Cole and the decimation of Josh Matthews (this time they didn’t legit injure the guy at least). Speaking of 90’s flashbacks, here’s Triple H who lost last night as well. The crowd is pretty subdued about that fact I guess. Trips quotes some bullshit number about how many people watched the only match at Wrestlemania this year (I think there might have been things they called matches too). Triple H says he’s never wrested Undertaker like this before, even the time he lost to him before. He basically puts over Undertaker’s machismo. He says he’ll be waiting for Taker when he’s better since he was carted out last night following their match. Tripe H hobbles out to the back afterward so he can spend the rest of the night eating donuts after collecting his paycheck here.

JR says Michael Cole plans to challenge King to a match tonight who says he put his gear on tonight just in case as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Golden Corral is the most expensive fucking buffet I’ve ever seen in my life.

As we return, they continue to hard sell Tough Enough to us while reminding us that Stone Cold will be on the show. Ross goes on to ask King about his match against Cole who right then interrupts things in his amateur wrestling gear….Michael Cole has a tattoo? It looks retarded on his little dough body. He reminds us he is the technical winner of his match thanks to the GM last night, saying he overcame every obstacle. He says he stole the show and is now undefeated at Wrestlemania. Even the sound guy seems to think this angle is stupid as he seems to be trying to cut his microphone off. He also declares himself the new Mr. Wrestlemania, which is funny because Shawn Michaels lost most of his Mania matches. Cole flexes while King reminds him he tapped out and cried like a little girl last night.

Cole challenges him to a rematch and King accepts before getting in the ring. Cole says he forgot one thing…it’s not Wrestlemania rematch. It’s a rematch from last week on Raw against Swagger. Oh boy….I needed a soda anyway.

Jerry The King Lawler vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger pummels him into the corner only to get the tables turned and beat down in return. Swagger charges back, but King ducks a clothesline and clocks him in the jaw. Swagger gets pissed and charges him into the corner for shoulderblocks. Swagger misses a follow up charge who nails him again while the crowd rallies for Lawler. Swagger suplexes Lawler and bombs his leg drop hard before King picks up a two count. Lawler continues to follow up with punishes, but Swagger tackles him with a clothesline. This reminds me of the time I beat up all the people at that Old Folks home. HAHA. Good times.

Swagger bombs his slingshot corner splash that JR calls a “Swagger Bomb.” Is that a Pokemon move? Lawler goes into a punch combination and drops Swagger with a dropkick. King goes up top as Cole distracts him. King decides to chase him around the ring, but King tackles him in the ring and starts beating his ass until Swagger revives and puts on the ankle lock. King taps out after a few moments.

Winner: Swagger

Swagger refuses to break the hold for a while until the ref finally reverses the decision of the match. Er…

Winner: King, now?

Cole gets pissed and finds JR BBQ sauce in his booth so he sprays it all over his face as JR tries to tell him it’s the best BBQ sauce this side of the Missisip. JR tosses his headset at him and chases Cole all the way to the back. Best feud ever? Biggest waste of time ever? You be the judge….

Random Commercial Thought: I can kill ninjas with my pens too.

Back to the show. WWE proudly tells us they just out sold the Backstreet Boys. Also, Michaels Cole is back on the microphone now to show us what just happened. Is….is that fucking Booker T with Josh Matthews? Holy SHIT! He was one of my favorite wrestlers when I was a kid by the way. Cole is back in his cube. I guess he’s gonna stick with that for a while. Superman is here. I mean, Randy Orton. Matthews says it is Cole’s fault Booker and him both got Stunners last night. Apparently Mysterio is going to try to have another match tonight, even though his last several haven’t been ending too well. What is that ridiculous poncho he is wearing? It’s amost as bad as the Captain America shit he had on last night. He looked more like Bucky….who is Captain America now. I’m going to shut up….did he just give the poncho to the Numa Numa guy?

Rey Mysterio & Josh Matthews vs. Cody Rhodes & CM Punk

Orton starts the match off with Rhodes and takes complete control, just beating the shit out of him. Cole points out how little sense it makes to be punching the face mask if it’s hard enough to knock people out as already shown which is a good point. But hey, Orton doesn’t know the first thing about selling or logic. He just does RKOs. Let other people take care of the wrestling. Speaking of that, Mysterio tags in and keeps the pressure on as we go to commercial so he can be magically getting his ass kicked when we get back.

Random Commercial Thought: Can you eat Miss Turkey? Oh wait. Oral Sex joke.

Back to the match. Well, I stand corrected (a rare state), as Orton and Mysterio are trading in and out on Rhodes. Oh wait, never mind. Rhodes drops Mysterio and tags in Punk. We must have got here early. Punk stares down Orton before going to Mysterio for some light offense and tagging back out. I love how hard Booker tries to act like Orton’s knee is still hurt since he’s forgotten to sell it at all. Speaking of Orton, he gets a hot tag off of a small package attempt by Rey. Orton destroys Rhodes for a bit until he gets distracted by Punk. Rhodes chokes him out with a boot and Orton gets drags out of the ring by Punk. Rhodes chop blocks the knee from behind when Orton fights Punk off and goes to work stomping at it.

Haha. Monkey Wrench attack is what they are calling Punk’s injury to the knee. Orton escapes a GTS when Punk tags in and goes for the RKO, but Punk escapes and drops him with a shot to the knee again for two. I guess we really needed another commercial break again.

Random Commercial Thought: Why so Tough Enough?

Orton escapes a leg lock by Punk and Mysterio gets the hot tag. He fires up on Punk with splashes and a two count, but Punk powers him into the corner for a double team where Orton just drops Rhodes from the apron. Punk gets set up into a 619, but Rhodes is there to stop him with the Beautiful Disaster. Mysterio kicks out of a cover by Punk at two and Rhodes tags in. Rhodes stomps on Mysterio and delivers some head butts before Punk comes in. Punk eats a hurricanrana after some rest holds and Orton gets the hype tag. Booker tries to remind us of the knee while Orton hit’s a power slam and the suspended DDT on Rhodes. Orton powers up the RKO, but Punk is getting on the top rope. Orton just stares him down and nails an angle slam on Rhodes for two when Punk breaks it up.

Mysterio shows up to distract Punk and dump him to he floor before Orton sets up a 619 for Mysterio on Rhodes that sends Rhodes right into an RKO for he three. Winners: Orton & Rey

Despite the fact we just blew through an hour of the show and had one match (king doesn’t count, damnit!), the crowd is at least hyped up by that. We get reminded of Cena calling out the Rock later before Austin and Trips run into each other in the back. Austin says if that kind of match ever happens again, he’s gonna be there before they shake hands and Trips thanks him. They then remember they should hate each other and have a fight. Just kidding. Nothing logical like that happens.

Random Commercial Thought: I have trouble believing there is a Scream 4 coming out.

So does Sin Cara always wrestle in a ring that is positioned outside of several Aztec temples during a thunderstorm? Austin makes his entrance as Cole tells us he plans to challenge Taker’s streak with his own. Sure. Have fun with that. It might be a better match than some of Taker’s have been. Stone Cold brings out the Tough Enough contestants as I have to laugh at all the women already looking like a bunch of fucking whores. Who needs wrestlers? I hear one of them is Miss USA. I also hear that I don’t care. He has them introduce themselves. I’m sure it’s not worth stating. I also muted them, but I noticed one guy talked twice as long as anyone else. Oh, it was Miss USA. Figures she can’t shut up either. I like that one guy’s hat…oh, it’s his hair.

When they are done, I unmuted just in time to see Stone Cold laughing because a chant to “stun them all” was getting big. The Miz then interrupts things. There’s a Miz is Awesome chant going. Miz reminds us he was on Tough Enough and says no one can tell him where to go now. I can. I pretty sure anyone can. It just probably won’t do anything. Miz shows off getting a concussion and finishing his match for the title anyway. He actually gets a good amount of cheers there. Miz gets in the ring and wonders if Stone Cold still has one more match left in him. This of course starts some One More Match chants.

Austin agrees to clear the ring when Miz suddenly jumps him from behind and beats his ass into the corner. Austin turns the tables and stomps a mudhole, but Riley gets the better of him. Riley eats the Lou Thesz press and a follow up Stunner before having a beer bash and shares it all with the Tough Enough cast. The crowd hilariously boos that. Austin comes up on the glass box and pours beer on Cole as he begs to not b electrocuted by beer. I can only hope.

Random Commercial Thought: I sometimes narrate my life in my head to make the world more interesting.

Back to the show where we learn that Wrestlemania was seen in over 20 languages. None of those made the booking make any sense. Alberto Del Rio arrives to the ring without a car, which is odd, since he supposedly has a shit load of them. Also, Evan Bourne was already in the ring. He’s fucked.

Alberto Del Rio w/ Brodus Claw vs. Evan Bourne

Rio gets worked over by Bourne for a little bit, hitting fast offense and kicks. Alberto boots Bourne in the face when he tries a corner charge and gets kicked to the floor. Bourne is tossed right into the ring barricade and then back into the ring for a two count. Big chants for Del Rio right now oddly enough. Bourne kicks his way free of a rest hold and snatches a school boy for two. Bourne launches a knee to the head for another two count before flipping out of a back supex. Bourne sets up Air Bourne, but Del Rio dropkicks him right off the top and puts on an arm beaker for the win.

Winner: Rio

When is he going to start coming out to Rio already so that I can make that joke?

Random Commercial Thought: Apparently women of all eras now were ass-kicking badasses; reality be damned.

Back to the show where a flashback to Wrestlemania Access shows a bunch of guys came all the way from Ireland to see Sheamus, which is hilarious since his match got kicked off the show and turned into a shitty Battle Royal. Who paid 1500 for a Jerry Lawler painting? Vickie shows up next to say the loss to Snooki was thanks to Laycool. Thanks. I’ve always thought everything was their fault. Dolph challenges Morrison and Trish to a match.

Random Commercial Thought: Youtube is out of control with copyright. Just thought I would mention that.

Back to the show for a match that will probably suck.

John Morrison & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero

Dolph gets his ass kicked by Morrison so he tags out to Vickie which forces in Trish. Vickie tries to do a cartwheel that fails pretty badly. She misses a clothesline on Trish and….actually check between her own legs to see where Trish went when she Ma-Trish dodges. Trish chops her on the chest several times before Dolph distracts to allow Vickie to drag her around by the hair and pick up a two count. Morrison gets the tag and runs over Ziggler several times. He bombs so move I wasn’t paying attention to and eats a belly to back release suplex for two from Ziggler. Trish slaps Dolph in the face when he gets in her face and he turns into the Flash Kick and Starship Pain.

Winners: Morrison & Trish

Random Commercial Thought: The razor feud is more interesting than Cole/Lawler.

We come back to Sheamus who now wears red, white and blue hear who will actually fight Bryan without his match being pushed off the card.

Daniel Bryan vs. US Champion Sheamus (US Title Match)

Cole completely puts himself over at the expense of this match. Bryan gets slammed around by Sheamus for a couple of minutes. He wraps Bryan up in the ropes and hammer shim over the chest before grounding him with a headlock and arm bar. Sheamus delivers the Irish cross in there while chants for Bryan build up. Bryan escapes and rallies with flying clotheslines and dropkicks. Sheamus tries to hoist Bryan up who jump around into the LaBell, but Sheamus powers through it again and just tosses Bryan off into the ropes who bounces back into the pump kick for the three.

Winner: Sheamus

Gosh, that wasn’t exactly identical to the last two times they fought at all. Except it was. Sheamus starts stomping Bryan into he ground afterward, dropping knees into Bryan head until new music hits and we get Sin Cara. Cara charges the ring by leaping entirely over the ropes from the ground as his pyro goes off. He head scissors Sheamus and sends him to the apron before sighting into a dropkick to end him to the floor and nailing a huge flying cross body to Sheamus on the floor before he just kind of leaves. He made a huge impact, then disappeared. Like herpes.

Random Commercial Thought: Did Rock shave his head so he would fit in?

Back to the show where Cena has also updated to all new ring gear (call now to buy BUY BUY!) of red, white and blue. He says we should thank the Rock for making sure Wrestlemania didn’t end with just a draw, so we had that. Never mind how bad the show was. Cena congratulates the Miz for winning and says he’s earned some respect. He says the Rock got into his business and they have to settle it right now before waiting for The Rock to come out. Uh…he waits forever, but eventually he does respond. Maybe he forgot to cue up his music. Not to be outdone in tonight’s fashion feud, The Rock comes out with a red, white and blue Brahma bull shirt on.

Come on guys, we are already six minutes late here. The Rock basically talks up Cena as being one of the greatest which makes him almost cry. Aw. He says that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t like him. They start to trade barbs before Cena tells Rock to listen to the people and that they want a match between them. Cena strips down for a Twilight Pop after asking Rock to bring it and The Rock says he has no idea what he’s just asked for. Rock says they need to make the biggest match of all time…at Wrestemania 28. Are you joking? You better be joking. Wow. They aren’t joking.

The Corre then surrounds the ring so we can do the generic “Team up against the odds” bit. The Corre beats their asses for a bit until Rock fires off against them and Cena tosses some guys as well. Cena goes for A five Knuckle Shuffle on Slater so The Rock one ups him with the People’s Elbow on Barrett. Cena then ups that with an FU on Slater and rock tops it with a Rock Bottom on Barrett. Yeah…one year build for a match? Is that even possible?

Highlight of the Night: Sin Cara makes a nice little debut at the expense of what little cred Daniel Bryan had left.

Lowlight of the Night:Lawler match. Yeah….

WWE "Creative" Award: WRITE REAL MATCHES YOU ASSHOLES. That’s all.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).