Wrestlemania is over and
we had quite a few rather surprising choices for
winners (Except for John Cena. I think some people
died a little inside over that one). HBK got a send
off after a loss to the Undertaker and Christian
continues to swim in a see of forgotten misery
without the MitB. But at least Edge didn’t get
another title reign just yet so we can continue to
enjoy Jericho (too bad it’s not on this show).
Show opens with a recap
of HBK’s loss, followed by theme and pyro as the
announcers tell us that tonight will be Michaels’
farewell to the WWE. Batista then strolls out still
attempting to look badass despite the fact they had
him tap out like a little bitch last night. Not a
good way to look like you’re the toughest guy in the
universe. Batista’s entrance takes somewhere along
three minutes for some reason. I guess we had some
opening time to kill? There’s some “You Tapped Out”
chants for Batista. What is funny is a camera shot
from the audience showing everyone with iPhones and
cellphones recording this on the front row. Batista
says the match last night was a fluke no one will
ever remember. The chant renews itself over this. He
says he’s entitled to a rematch and will regain it
because Cena can’t beat him. Except that one time.
Speak of the devil, here’s Cena.
reiterates that he did beat Batista yesterday. Cena
Sucks chant gets huge for a bit here and Cena makes
a grimace. I feel for the guy. He has to know he
upsets a large portion of the fan base, but sells
merchandise like no one’s business. The Tapped Out
and Sucks chants get kind of mixed together when
Cena brings up the tapping again. Cena says Batista
could make history by doing the rematch on the night
of Michaels’ last appearance. Cena gets genre savvy
and brings up how the other guy usually doesn’t
accept the immediate rematch, but he could be
different and finally just do it right now. Batista
says not tonight and goes for a shot, but Cena
fights him off and Jack Swagger takes him out from
behind with the briefcase. Swagger knocks him flat
and cashes in his contract to a huge pop. Cena then
counters a suplex attempt into the STF, but Swagger
escapes and takes it back before the ref can start
As part of the farewell they are
going to run a lot of Michaels career moments
throughout the night starting with some Rockers
Random Commercial Thought: Go see
Back to the show. We get a recap of
Rhodes getting a punt and Dibiase getting the RKO
from Orton in what was a completely pointless match.
Speaking of Dibiase, here he is, the older one. IRS,
Pat Patterson and Arn Anderson. Someone else is with
them who I can’t remember the name of, but according
to King they have a surprise tonight as they are
joined by Roddy Piper. Is he still insane? He come
out with Sgt. Slaughter, Ricky the dragon and yet
another guy who I don’t know. King then joins them
on the legend list. The Hot Tub Time Machine stars
show up to a non-reaction. They announce Batista and
Swagger will be against Cena and a partner of
choice. They decided to get 80s stars out here for a
Legends Lumberjack match. Christian is out with his
still crappy theme. I want the opera back. He’s
taking on Ted Dibiase. At least his dad clapped for
Random Commercial Thought: Wii better
pick up the pace before PS3 finds a way to rip them
off better than they do it themselves.
to the show.
Christian vs. Ted Dibiase (Legends Lumberjack Match)
Christian is working Dibiase over and picks up a two
count. Dibiase slaps him so Christian delivers one
back and chucks him to the floor. Dibiase dad’s men
have to be fended off as Piper’s boys work him over.
Back in the ring, Dibiase gains the advantage but
eats a right out of the corner while taunting. A DDT
off the top is countered by a toss from Ted who
picks up a two count off a sharp kick to the head.
Christian fights back out of a headlocks, ducks a
right and delivers a neck breaker for two. Christian
comes back with a missile dropkick for another two.
Back up top, but Dibiase slings him off the ropes.
Christian blocks Dream Street and lands a kick in
the corner. Flying spinning elbow off the top from
Christian and he signals the Killswitch but Dibaise
counters. They both spill to the floor and the
legends start brawling. Dibiase gets distracted and
Christian puts him down with the Killswitch for the
The Million Dollar
Man helps his son up which only gets an annoyed
shove from Ted. Little Ted takes a walk to leave the
elder looking lonely in the ring. Clip of Marty
eating barber shop glass courtesy of Shawn Michaels.
Random Commercial Thought: Snickers heals 10 hit
Back to the show where we get a video
package about Wrestlemania Access and the Hot Tub
guys are in the back talking about how they
eliminated their co-stars to hang with the divas in
the hot tub. I. Hate. This. Triple H arrives to talk
about his feelings for Shawn Michaels’ loss. It’s
kind of how emotional he was that time he pedigreed
him on Raw for no reason. What are friends for? He
talks about how all they had sometimes was each
other and they took on the world.
Coughbullshitcough. Triple H gets attacked from
behind by Sheamus with a pipe to big “Sheamus Sucks”
chants as we go back to commercial.
Commercial Thought: This commercial brought to you
by the old-school anime Airmaster.
the show where we get a rematch of the Diva tag
match from last night.
Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim & Mickie James
& Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox & Vickie Guerrero &
Layla & Michelle McCool & Maryse
rolls Maryse up from behind while she does her taunt
on the edge. And…that’s it.
Winners: The goddamn
entrants list was longer than this match.
Vickie gets up in their faces over this and a brawl
break out with the faces running them off. In the
words of Mickey from Rocky: It’s a waste of life. We
get a clip of the ladder match between Michaels
Random Commercial Thought: Was
it legal for them to show the King stealing the
Sausage Egg McMuffin?
We come back to the
Iron Man Match with Bret Hart. Speaking of Bret
Hart, here he comes to the ring, coming off the
heels of a victory over Vince McMahon. If I had been
Bret, I would have probably took that opportunity to
beat the man to near-death for having been an epic
dick in the past and being kinda, sorta responsible
for the death of a family member. He wishes Shawn
the best in his future endeavors. Har Har. He
mentions how the Hart family assisted in beating
Vince. He lists off how his mom dad, Owen and the
British Bulldog helped in spirit. A huge Owen chant
begins which begs the question of why there hasn’t
been an entry of Owen into the hall of fame. Bret
reveals he has a shirt on under his jacket with a
picture of him and Owen together. He thanks everyone
for the last few months. Before he can go though, we
are joined by ShowMiz.
Miz says he shouldn’t
be proud he won a match that was 25 to 1. He says
Bret is a thief that robbed him of his time with
this pointless story. Point taken. Miz complains
about not being in the spotlight and mentions that
all of the Harts are overrated. Miz says he’ll give
Bret closure with his fist and Bret tells him to
make him leave then. Big Show holds him back before
getting up in Bret’s face. They are then joined by
the Hart Dynasty. Did Natalya inherit the huge
knockers from Jim too? Show and Miz decide to back
down and take a walk. Bret demands they get back in
the ring and take the Dynasty on. Show says it isn’t
the time but Miz wants to take them on, so they
Random Commercial Thought: The
so-called God of War has spent very little time as
such in his games.
Back to the show where out
match is getting on.
The Hart Dynasty vs. Unified Tag Team Champion
ShowMiz (Non-title Match)
Miz is on
defense as he is sent to the floor and eats a
suicide dive that picks up a two count. Tyson chases
Miz around the ring and Show tries to come in but
eats kicks and dropkicks from Kidd. Show finally
tosses him with a double choke hold and starts to
beat Tyson around. Show tosses Tyson into the corner
and tags out to Miz whom he chucks into Tyson for a
two count. Miz eats some rallying punches from Tyson
but forces him back to the corner where Show is back
in, choking him out with a boot and delivers some
chest slaps. Show works a headlock on Tyson who
tries to fight out but Miz tags himself in, working
Tyson over in the hold and then putting on his own
chin lock. Tyson slips out and David is in. David
delivers some suplex and tags to Tyson for a double
maneuver I can’t quite name. Tyson signals a
sharpshooter and applies it to Miz before Show comes
around to tell Miz to listen to him net time before
dragging him from the ring. They take a
We get a DX clip montage
from their entire years as a tag team before going
Random Commercial Thought: You
should always take free money offered to you.
Back to the show with a recap of the
Money in the Bank match and more pointless hot tub.
I muted it. I like to imagine the dialogue was
actually a discussion on which they discuss the new
Health Care Bill. Then there was Mark Henry in a
Speedo. I….I hate this so much. And Hornswoggle.
This is all followed by a replay of Sheamus
attacking Triple H. Swagger appears with a new ring
robe he’s acquired. He seems to be working his way
slowly toward a Kurt Angle style of gimmick. He asks
if we can smell that. Yeah, I think I should take
another shower. Oh wait, he meant his briefcase. How
many American is he now? Three? He talks about how
he’ll beat Cena for the title and we are off to
Random Commercial Thought: I wish
I could bottle up the insanity of whoever makes
these movies and sell it on the market.
to the show where Batista joins Swagger in the ring.
Cena comes out to the ring and grabs a microphone to
say he has a major announcement about his partner
tonight and Batista will especially recognize him
because it’s an old friend of his. Randy Orton. Uh,
sure, I guess the whole, kicking Cena’s dad in the
head thing is done? I guess that’s easy to get over.
WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Jack
Swagger & Batista
Swagger starts off
with Cena and they tie up with Cena taking control
with a suplex. Orton tags in and starts stomping on
Swagger’s legs. Swagger runs from further offense to
the floor as we go back to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Ramen is a plot by the Japanese
to control the minds of our college students.
Back to the match where Cena is in a waist lock from
Swagger. Swagger picks up two off of a back suplex
on Cena. He lands his slingshot splash in the corner
for another two count. Didn’t Swagger recently get
destroyed by Cena a couple of weeks ago? Did he
undergo a Rocky Training Montage in that time?
Batista tags in and kicks Cena around. A running
kick picks up two for the Teest. Batista sets up for
a power bomb, but Cena backdrops out and makes the
tag to Orton. Orton explodes onto Swagger with
clotheslines and a power slam. The backbreaker gets
him a two count when Batista breaks things up and
spears Cena. Orton nails an RKO on Batista and
follows with one on Swagger.
Winners: Cena and
We head off to commercial with a clip
of the first showdown between Michaels and Taker.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve seen better. Better
what, you ask? Better everything.
Back to the
show where Michaels arrives to a rather heavily
subdued reaction. Before he gets to say anything
though, the gong sounds and we’re joined by the
Deadman himself. Shawn gets on the microphone to say
he doesn’t really know what he’s going to say. He
gets a “Please Don’t Go” chant started up for him
before saying he’s been doing this since back when
he was 19. He says he appreciates the thanks, but he
has to thank us. He goes on to talk about people in
the business who he should thank and even gets
around to Jim Ross. A “One More Match” chant gets
started as the speech continues. He comes around to
Bret Hart eventually to thank him and says he drove
the poor guy crazy in the 90s and he had every right
to say every bad thing he ever did about him. That’s
pretty funny in retrospect these days after all the
versions of the stories have been told over the
years. He follows with thanking Vince, saying he’s
the only guy he’s
driven crazier. He thanks the
crowd and his family. I admit I wasn’t paying that
close of attention, but I’m kind of curious what the
hell happened to the Undertaker during this bit? I
saw him come out, but nothing happened after that. I
can only assume he didn’t actually say anything
before leaving again. Shawn, like a lamb to the
slaughter turns his back on the ramp to clap goodbye
to all of us, easily allowing Sheamus to wreck him
from behind. Ohw ait, it’s just Triple H hugging
They leave a DX glowstick
on the stage as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: It
easily goes to the tag team match between ShowMiz
and the Dynasty. Showed off the Dynasty pretty well
and set them up as viable contenders.
Lowlight of the Night: Everything
involving Hot Tub Time Machine. God.
WWE “Creative” Award:
Couldn’t we just fire Sheamus instead?