WWE
RAW RANT:
(03/29/10)
By Cameron Burge

Wrestlemania is over and we had quite a few rather surprising choices for winners (Except for John Cena. I think some people died a little inside over that one). HBK got a send off after a loss to the Undertaker and Christian continues to swim in a see of forgotten misery without the MitB. But at least Edge didn’t get another title reign just yet so we can continue to enjoy Jericho (too bad it’s not on this show).

Raw 03.29.10

Show opens with a recap of HBK’s loss, followed by theme and pyro as the announcers tell us that tonight will be Michaels’ farewell to the WWE. Batista then strolls out still attempting to look badass despite the fact they had him tap out like a little bitch last night. Not a good way to look like you’re the toughest guy in the universe. Batista’s entrance takes somewhere along three minutes for some reason. I guess we had some opening time to kill? There’s some “You Tapped Out” chants for Batista. What is funny is a camera shot from the audience showing everyone with iPhones and cellphones recording this on the front row. Batista says the match last night was a fluke no one will ever remember. The chant renews itself over this. He says he’s entitled to a rematch and will regain it because Cena can’t beat him. Except that one time. Speak of the devil, here’s Cena.

Cena reiterates that he did beat Batista yesterday. Cena Sucks chant gets huge for a bit here and Cena makes a grimace. I feel for the guy. He has to know he upsets a large portion of the fan base, but sells merchandise like no one’s business. The Tapped Out and Sucks chants get kind of mixed together when Cena brings up the tapping again. Cena says Batista could make history by doing the rematch on the night of Michaels’ last appearance. Cena gets genre savvy and brings up how the other guy usually doesn’t accept the immediate rematch, but he could be different and finally just do it right now. Batista says not tonight and goes for a shot, but Cena fights him off and Jack Swagger takes him out from behind with the briefcase. Swagger knocks him flat and cashes in his contract to a huge pop. Cena then counters a suplex attempt into the STF, but Swagger escapes and takes it back before the ref can start things.

As part of the farewell they are going to run a lot of Michaels career moments throughout the night starting with some Rockers footage.

Random Commercial Thought: Go see Kick-Ass.

Back to the show. We get a recap of Rhodes getting a punt and Dibiase getting the RKO from Orton in what was a completely pointless match. Speaking of Dibiase, here he is, the older one. IRS, Pat Patterson and Arn Anderson. Someone else is with them who I can’t remember the name of, but according to King they have a surprise tonight as they are joined by Roddy Piper. Is he still insane? He come out with Sgt. Slaughter, Ricky the dragon and yet another guy who I don’t know. King then joins them on the legend list. The Hot Tub Time Machine stars show up to a non-reaction. They announce Batista and Swagger will be against Cena and a partner of choice. They decided to get 80s stars out here for a Legends Lumberjack match. Christian is out with his still crappy theme. I want the opera back. He’s taking on Ted Dibiase. At least his dad clapped for him.

Random Commercial Thought: Wii better pick up the pace before PS3 finds a way to rip them off better than they do it themselves.

Back to the show.

Christian vs. Ted Dibiase (Legends Lumberjack Match)

Christian is working Dibiase over and picks up a two count. Dibiase slaps him so Christian delivers one back and chucks him to the floor. Dibiase dad’s men have to be fended off as Piper’s boys work him over. Back in the ring, Dibiase gains the advantage but eats a right out of the corner while taunting. A DDT off the top is countered by a toss from Ted who picks up a two count off a sharp kick to the head. Christian fights back out of a headlocks, ducks a right and delivers a neck breaker for two. Christian comes back with a missile dropkick for another two. Back up top, but Dibiase slings him off the ropes. Christian blocks Dream Street and lands a kick in the corner. Flying spinning elbow off the top from Christian and he signals the Killswitch but Dibaise counters. They both spill to the floor and the legends start brawling. Dibiase gets distracted and Christian puts him down with the Killswitch for the win.
Winner: Christian

The Million Dollar Man helps his son up which only gets an annoyed shove from Ted. Little Ted takes a walk to leave the elder looking lonely in the ring. Clip of Marty eating barber shop glass courtesy of Shawn Michaels.

Random Commercial Thought: Snickers heals 10 hit points.

Back to the show where we get a video package about Wrestlemania Access and the Hot Tub guys are in the back talking about how they eliminated their co-stars to hang with the divas in the hot tub. I. Hate. This. Triple H arrives to talk about his feelings for Shawn Michaels’ loss. It’s kind of how emotional he was that time he pedigreed him on Raw for no reason. What are friends for? He talks about how all they had sometimes was each other and they took on the world. Coughbullshitcough. Triple H gets attacked from behind by Sheamus with a pipe to big “Sheamus Sucks” chants as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: This commercial brought to you by the old-school anime Airmaster.

Back to the show where we get a rematch of the Diva tag match from last night.

Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim & Mickie James & Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox & Vickie Guerrero & Layla & Michelle McCool & Maryse

Eve rolls Maryse up from behind while she does her taunt on the edge. And…that’s it.
Winners: The goddamn entrants list was longer than this match.

Vickie gets up in their faces over this and a brawl break out with the faces running them off. In the words of Mickey from Rocky: It’s a waste of life. We get a clip of the ladder match between Michaels Razor Ramone.

Random Commercial Thought: Was it legal for them to show the King stealing the Sausage Egg McMuffin?

We come back to the Iron Man Match with Bret Hart. Speaking of Bret Hart, here he comes to the ring, coming off the heels of a victory over Vince McMahon. If I had been Bret, I would have probably took that opportunity to beat the man to near-death for having been an epic dick in the past and being kinda, sorta responsible for the death of a family member. He wishes Shawn the best in his future endeavors. Har Har. He mentions how the Hart family assisted in beating Vince. He lists off how his mom dad, Owen and the British Bulldog helped in spirit. A huge Owen chant begins which begs the question of why there hasn’t been an entry of Owen into the hall of fame. Bret reveals he has a shirt on under his jacket with a picture of him and Owen together. He thanks everyone for the last few months. Before he can go though, we are joined by ShowMiz.

Miz says he shouldn’t be proud he won a match that was 25 to 1. He says Bret is a thief that robbed him of his time with this pointless story. Point taken. Miz complains about not being in the spotlight and mentions that all of the Harts are overrated. Miz says he’ll give Bret closure with his fist and Bret tells him to make him leave then. Big Show holds him back before getting up in Bret’s face. They are then joined by the Hart Dynasty. Did Natalya inherit the huge knockers from Jim too? Show and Miz decide to back down and take a walk. Bret demands they get back in the ring and take the Dynasty on. Show says it isn’t the time but Miz wants to take them on, so they return.

Random Commercial Thought: The so-called God of War has spent very little time as such in his games.

Back to the show where out match is getting on.

The Hart Dynasty vs. Unified Tag Team Champion ShowMiz (Non-title Match)

Miz is on defense as he is sent to the floor and eats a suicide dive that picks up a two count. Tyson chases Miz around the ring and Show tries to come in but eats kicks and dropkicks from Kidd. Show finally tosses him with a double choke hold and starts to beat Tyson around. Show tosses Tyson into the corner and tags out to Miz whom he chucks into Tyson for a two count. Miz eats some rallying punches from Tyson but forces him back to the corner where Show is back in, choking him out with a boot and delivers some chest slaps. Show works a headlock on Tyson who tries to fight out but Miz tags himself in, working Tyson over in the hold and then putting on his own chin lock. Tyson slips out and David is in. David delivers some suplex and tags to Tyson for a double maneuver I can’t quite name. Tyson signals a sharpshooter and applies it to Miz before Show comes around to tell Miz to listen to him net time before dragging him from the ring. They take a
walk.
Winners: Dynasty

We get a DX clip montage from their entire years as a tag team before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You should always take free money offered to you. Always.

Back to the show with a recap of the Money in the Bank match and more pointless hot tub. I muted it. I like to imagine the dialogue was actually a discussion on which they discuss the new Health Care Bill. Then there was Mark Henry in a Speedo. I….I hate this so much. And Hornswoggle. This is all followed by a replay of Sheamus attacking Triple H. Swagger appears with a new ring robe he’s acquired. He seems to be working his way slowly toward a Kurt Angle style of gimmick. He asks if we can smell that. Yeah, I think I should take another shower. Oh wait, he meant his briefcase. How many American is he now? Three? He talks about how he’ll beat Cena for the title and we are off to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I could bottle up the insanity of whoever makes these movies and sell it on the market.

Back to the show where Batista joins Swagger in the ring. Cena comes out to the ring and grabs a microphone to say he has a major announcement about his partner tonight and Batista will especially recognize him because it’s an old friend of his. Randy Orton. Uh, sure, I guess the whole, kicking Cena’s dad in the head thing is done? I guess that’s easy to get over.

WWE Champion John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Jack Swagger & Batista

Swagger starts off with Cena and they tie up with Cena taking control with a suplex. Orton tags in and starts stomping on Swagger’s legs. Swagger runs from further offense to the floor as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Ramen is a plot by the Japanese to control the minds of our college students.

Back to the match where Cena is in a waist lock from Swagger. Swagger picks up two off of a back suplex on Cena. He lands his slingshot splash in the corner for another two count. Didn’t Swagger recently get destroyed by Cena a couple of weeks ago? Did he undergo a Rocky Training Montage in that time? Batista tags in and kicks Cena around. A running kick picks up two for the Teest. Batista sets up for a power bomb, but Cena backdrops out and makes the tag to Orton. Orton explodes onto Swagger with clotheslines and a power slam. The backbreaker gets him a two count when Batista breaks things up and spears Cena. Orton nails an RKO on Batista and follows with one on Swagger.
Winners: Cena and Orton

We head off to commercial with a clip of the first showdown between Michaels and Taker.

Random Commercial Thought: I’ve seen better. Better what, you ask? Better everything.

Back to the show where Michaels arrives to a rather heavily subdued reaction. Before he gets to say anything though, the gong sounds and we’re joined by the Deadman himself. Shawn gets on the microphone to say he doesn’t really know what he’s going to say. He gets a “Please Don’t Go” chant started up for him before saying he’s been doing this since back when he was 19. He says he appreciates the thanks, but he has to thank us. He goes on to talk about people in the business who he should thank and even gets around to Jim Ross. A “One More Match” chant gets started as the speech continues. He comes around to Bret Hart eventually to thank him and says he drove the poor guy crazy in the 90s and he had every right to say every bad thing he ever did about him. That’s pretty funny in retrospect these days after all the versions of the stories have been told over the years. He follows with thanking Vince, saying he’s the only guy he’s
driven crazier. He thanks the crowd and his family. I admit I wasn’t paying that close of attention, but I’m kind of curious what the hell happened to the Undertaker during this bit? I saw him come out, but nothing happened after that. I can only assume he didn’t actually say anything before leaving again. Shawn, like a lamb to the slaughter turns his back on the ramp to clap goodbye to all of us, easily allowing Sheamus to wreck him from behind. Ohw ait, it’s just Triple H hugging him.

Queers.

They leave a DX glowstick on the stage as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: It easily goes to the tag team match between ShowMiz and the Dynasty. Showed off the Dynasty pretty well and set them up as viable contenders.

Lowlight of the Night: Everything involving Hot Tub Time Machine. God.

WWE “Creative” Award: Couldn’t we just fire Sheamus instead?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.