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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

March 28, 2011


Ah, you may be asking yourself. Why did I have to wait a whole day to read my Raw Report this week? Thatís because I secretly hate you. Yes, I specifically mean you. The fat guy with the Cheetoh fingerprints on his underwear. Fuck you, guy. As I write this, it is sleeting outside as it has been for the last two days, making it slicker than the Clearasil on Rey Mysterioís back right nowÖ.and itís almost fucking April.

Raw 03.28.11

Show opens with CM Punk sitting in the ring, holding some kind of sit-in I guess. He gets a cheer going and says heís going to miss this since I sincerely doubts anybody but the Chicago people will cheer him in Atlanta. He says the people are his people and Nexus was his people and heís watched Orton take them out one by one. Cue Orton kicking each member of the audience right in the skull for good measure? They probably deserve it. They do live in Chicago after all. He says he doesnít care what happens to them, including the members of Nexus, saying itís not his problem. He gets a little ďYou SuckĒ chant going now followed by a ďRandyĒ chant. He says he can snap his fingers and get any number of mindless sheep to do whatever he wants. Like boo him in his home town? Heís a wizard! He says Orton slipped up last week and replays the attack from last week. He says his hatred for Orton has been keeping him nice and warm before going to leave.

Orton appears on the entrance with a wrapped up and braced knee. Glad to know he still had the good graces to get in his ring gear and grease himself up before coming out here. Punk invites Orton into the ring who starts chomping at the bit and comes in to get a complete beat down. Orton dodges a clothesline and uppercuts Punk to the apron, dragging him back in the suspended DDT. He sets up for the RKO, but Punk continues to just lay there so Orton back up and preps a punt, but Orton falls an his stupid face like an idiot when his knee gives out. CM Punk chants get huge again while Punk laughs at Ortonís misfortune. Orton chants supersede while he hobbles around on the ropes so Punk kicks his leg out again. The dueling chanting is pretty heavy tonight I see. Punk drags him up for a GTS which connects.

In the back, Christian and Edge are gearing up for a match. Edge says apparently the Raw GM is allowing Edge to fight Del Rio tonight, since Teddyís ultimatum only applied to Smackdown. Edge says he always liked that guy except for his stupid sound effect.

Random Commercial Thought: Haha, just kidding, Iím watching this taped. Happy day for me.

Edge is out first to team up with Christian for the first time in ages. Is it so much to ask for Christian to get his opera back?

World Heavyweight Champion Edge & Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio & Brodus Clay

Who is that fat fuck anyway? Did he win NXT? He looks like he escaped from Thunderdome. Brodus bombs a clothesline and gets his ass kicked by Edge for a bit. He tries to power him off but just eats a boot. Christian tags in to attack the arm and work it over as they quickly tag in and out. They try to whip him, but Brodus blocks only to stall for a moment. They toss each other into Brodus in the corner and then prompty dump his ass over the top rope to the floor. Christian slingshots over the ropes, but Brodus catches him. Edge baseballs slides into Christian to send Brodus down in a neat spot as we get a commercial break.

Returning, we find Christian was sent into the ring post by Rio who is now in control of the match. Rio picks up a two count on Christian before working his arm over the bottom rope. Brodus tags in and drops some elbow drops. Cole says weíve been impressed with Brodus and Iím impressed he doesnít have a higher risk of heart failure. Rio comes back in with an elbow drop to pick up another two count. Rio slaps Christian in the corner which for some reason has the ref dragging him off. He charges back, right into a foot and eats a tornado DDT by Christian.

Edge makes the tag and is in against Claw. Claw takes some shots and catches a cross body, but Edge slips free into the edge-o-matic. Edge signals a spear, but Del Rio trips from behind. Christian attacks him from behind but is sent hard into the ring barricade. Edge dodges a corner charge by Brodus and lands him with the spear for the three.

Winners: Edge & Christian

Rio puts the arm break back on Christian until Edge finally notices and chases him off. Edge heads back to Christian when Rio suddenly comes back attacks him from behind to put the arm break on. Not a bad match, plays up the Edge/Rio thing well and also had Edge failing to get back at Rio still so you want to tune in and watch him get Rio in the ring on Sunday. When Cole appears on screen in his box, huge You Suck chants can be heard, even though all he is talking about is that shitty Snooki match. They are going to have an interview with her and Stratus and Iím going to ignore it.

Miz is polishing his new belt and rehanging WWE logos to match his belt in the arena. The GM e-mails and Cole tells King not to bother because heís got this on his ipadÖ.um, dude. Thatís not a fucking ipad, you idiot. The GM says he needs to know if Lawler is ready for Wrestlemania by taking on Swagger tonight. Sounds like a bathroom break. We get a video package of Trips and Taker.

After a break, we get The Corre. Kane and Big Show arrive to join Santino for a one on one confrontation with Gabriel. We also learn they will all be in an 8-man tag match at Mania. Gabriel has enough trouble carrying Heath Slater, Iím sure he can carry two more useless sacks of shit in the ring.

Santino Marella w/ Big Show, Kane, Kozlov & Tamina vs. Justin Gabriel w/ The Corre

Santino takes Gabriel down and wrestles Gabriel around until heís tossed toward the ropes. Santino stops short before Heath can get a cheap shot, but he turns around into a spinning kick from Gabriel for two. Gabriel works an arm bar unti Santino tosses him off and dodges an elbow drop. Santino goes into a series of punches and ducks a kick with the splits. He slams Gabriel and hitís the head butt before scaring Slater off the apron with a cobra. Kane decks Slater and Kozlov trips Gabriel when he tries to get the jump on Santino. Big Show runs more interference while Santino powers up the Cobra for the win.

Winner: Santino

Haha, what was that? Weird match, but at least it gets the point across. Santino then teaches Big Show how to celebrate until Kane stares them all downÖand does it too. This is the weirdest thing Iíve ever seen.

Following a break, apparently Keri Hilson will perform America the Beautiful at Mania, but I have no idea who the fuck that is. Time for Undertaker. Would you believe it took him a full three minutes to come out to the ring? Iíve had entirely bowel movements that took up less time than this. It only took Tripe H a little under one minute. They have another stare down in the ring with each other and thankfully, despite all the slash fiction probably being written about it, they donít make out. After a minute of this, Shawn Michaels suddenly appears. Nice of him to come in his hunting merchandise. Michaels pauses awkwardly in his parading around the ring to look at the other two guys.

He says there was absolutely no way he was going to miss this. He hypes up both guys as being pretty much icons of the sport. He lists off Trips accomplishments and even mentions his greatest assetÖbanging the bossí daughter! Oh noÖwait he said it was being Shawn Michaelsí best friend. He asks what in the world makes Triple H think he can do what he couldnít. Big HBK chants. Trips says the truth is Michaels got soft, because he thought it was more important to be the showstopper and Mr. Wrestlemania, but he doesnít have to win to be those things. The losing streak at Wrestlemania would probably attest to that. Trips says he does have to win, and the pile of jobbers behind him can probably attest to that. Trips says he will win and goes to address Taker, counting down all the extreme lengths Taker went to in order to wrestle, saying the only guy he respects more is Shawn Michaels. He recounts a story that he and Michaels said if it was time for one of them to retire, they would have the guts to tell each other when it needs to happen and so heís telling Taker itís time out of respect.

Taker takes it al pretty well. He even invites them all to tea and crumpets. Taker says if he ever got to a time when he felt someone should put him down, heís want it to be Triple H, but it isnít that time yet. I corrected his shitty grammar there. No charge. He says when he looks at Michaels, what he sees is a man that he humbled who will go into the Hall of Fame full of regrets and whose career he ended. Michaels snatches the microphone away and goes for the super kick, but Taker catches his foot and locks on the choke slam. Triple H blocks this and steps in between them. Trips tells Shawn to tell him why heís going to beat him. Michaels just stands there until Trips looks at him. One More Match chants. Michaels instead hangs his head and takes a walk. Taker takes a walk afterward. This segment really worked. This is definitely one of the better builds for Wrestlemania that Iíve seen.

Jack Swagger is here for his match with King after a break. Oh goodie. Scratch what I just said. Iím suddenly infuriated.

Jack Swagger w/ Michael Cole vs. Jerry The King Lawler

Cole gets up on the apron and yells taunts until King tries to grab him by the head. Swagger attacks from behind and stomps him down before hitting his corner slingshot splash. Swagger kicks King to the floor and then sends him over the ring barricade. King battes back with a right and grabs a chair before taking to Swagger with it and beating his ass all around ringside.

Winner: Swagger

King points at Cole after leaving Swagger crumpled who goes to hide in his box. The security guys tell him to keep away before Jerry beats the chair on the box and starts to climb over the wall. Cole tosses coffee in his face and the guards drag him back. Yeah, I totally cared about that.

After another break, they deliver me Vickie Guerrero. Itís like I have to see all the things I hate in a row. Also she entered in John Morrison style. Anyway, tag match.

US Champion Sheamus & Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero vs. Daniel Bryan & John Morrison

Morrison starts with Sheamus who gains the early advantage, beating him down with kicks and rights and slamming him into the corner. Morrison comes back with a dropkick and fights off Ziggler as well. He tries for a flash kick, but Sheamus snatches him out of the air for the Irish Curse which gets him two.

We get a break in the action with Sheamus now in control, picking up another two count. Sheamus works a rest hold who flip kicks out of the holds. Kind of a neat spot. Tags are made and Bryan unleashes on Ziggler with clothesines. Bryan sends Sheamus to the floor and Ziggler goes for a rollup for two. Bryan puts him in the LaBell lock and looks to have it won, but Sheamus kicks him in the head to break it. Morrison saves Bryan from a cover by Sheamus who tags in, but all hell breaks loose. Bryan goes for a LaBell lock on Sheamus, but he powers out and dodges a shot from Bryan in the corner. The High Cross follows for the three count.

Winners: Ziggler & Sheamus

We get a repay of the encounter between Orton and Punk before we see Orton getting iced in the back. Not in the mob kind of way. The interviewer, some douche, asks him if he will make it to Wrestlemania. He says you may not know that he has serious anger management issues. He also never figured out you canít shit in every open bag you come across. Just certain ones. He says the question should be if CM Punk will make it out of Wrestlemania alive. We get another inductee to the hall of fame and itís the very deserving Road Warriors and their manager Paul Ellering. I then proceeded to fast forward through the Snooki segment. I am entirely sure it was pointless and retarded.

Ah, finally the Rock decides to show up on Raw. Has anyone else noticed that the Rock constantly has an expression like someone literally lit a fire on his ass and he isnít quit sure where the extinguisher might be? Rock says this is where he has his first Wrestlemania and says it was the unofficial birth of Team Bring It. OkayÖ.is he making this shit up? This is different than the dorky Cenation thing how? He says he had a dream where he called out John Cena and he manages to fire up some big Cena Sucks chants and says Cena came out here looking like a homeless power ranger to get his shit rocked. He says the reality is that the Rock is here and the Peopleís Champ is here. Cenaís music hits and we are going to finally get this much hyped confrontation I suppose.

Cena says this is what he wanted, because Rock is back and in old form too. He says when he talked shit on Rock, he was a fan too and says he wanted Rock back for moments like this. Hey, I see a sign for some guy named Omar out there. Oh yeah, Omar? I hope you get AIDS. How do you like that? Not so much? Too bad. He starts to break down the responses Rock got as big Cena Sucks chants come out. Cena says heís proud that his audience is kids, and asks for a legitimate complaint from Rock or who the hell he thinks he is to judge and tell him what he can do. He gets pretty emotional, and itís not too bad, but Iím not going to cover everything he goes over.

The Rock says he isnít going to judge Cena, because the only one who can judge them is God and God canít save him from an ass-whooping either. Cena says if he wants a fight, thatís fine when The Miz arrives to complicate things further. Miz reminds Cena heís been mostly getting owned by Miz lately and says that at least Cena will come for a fight, unlike the Rock. Miz says he knows a secret, that Rock is not going to do a thing tonight, because a big movie star is not going to risk getting beaten and embarrassed by him. He says he will beat Rock so bad he cannot even go anywhere, let alone back to Hollywood. He tells Rock to go ahead and run his mouth, before handing the microphone over.

Rock says it doesnít matter what he thinks, of course. Riley then makes a cheap shot as they gang up on the Rock. Rock fights them off and sends Riley to the floor before unloading on Miz with a DDT and the Peopleís Elbow. Cena watches casually from ringside. Cena scoops Rock up on his shoulders for an FU after he dumps the Miz. Cena taunts before leaving to point at the Wrestlemania sign and how many days left.

Highlight of the Night: Hard to pick, but definitely comes down to either the Rock/Cena face off or the Taker/Trips one.

Lowlight of the Night: Severe lack of matches again, sadly, but definitely the Swagger/King bit.

WWE "Creative" Award: Who the fuck put Snooki on this show? I hate you. I hate you so much. I can taste the hate in my mouth.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).