WWE
RAW RANT:
(03/22/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the last Raw before Wrestlemania, and who better to host the show than Non-Baseball Hall of Famer Pete Rose…..where are you going? As much complaining as I do, I do have to admit that Wrestlemania this year does have some very interesting looking matches on the card, and some others that look like they would make me want to burn out my eyes with Clorox bleach. Namely, Trips/Sheamus and the Legacy triple threat.

Raw 03.22.10

Show opens with the typical theme and pyro. I find it odd how many vacuous wastes of space manage to be in the opening segment prominently (Sheamus, Bellas, Rosa). Michaels opens things up for us with a replay of him supervising Taker on Smackdown. He talks about how he feel son top of the world like he did when he threw Marty Jannety through a window and when he beat Bret Hart for the title. He manages to pimp out his new DVD too. He also accidentally calls himself the Heartbake Kid in saying he will forever be known as the man who ended Undertaker’s win streak. He’s interrupted by a blackout that suddenly has his career displayed in highlights, ending with his tombstone from Taker last year and a message from Taker that his career is over.

Michaels demands Taker come say something to his face but instead we get Pete Rose. Pete sounds like he’s robotically repeating lines as crowd members start to give him “you suck” chants. Rose makes a match between Michaels and Kane. He wants it to be revenge for what Kane did to him. Rose also makes it the same rules as his match against Taker will be. We get a recap of the encounters between Batista and Cena, starting with the 2008 Summerslam match. Apparently they will be “facing off” tonight because who wants main events when we could have pointless segments.

Random Commercial Thought: If she’s 18 I’m the King of England.

Back to the show where they recap the assault on Showmiz by Morrison and Truth. Show and R-Truth are on the mic for this next singles match. Show demands they get better title opponents at the PPV.

United States Champion The Miz vs. John Morrison (Non-Title Match)

Morrison controls things early on, picking up a two count off of a roll up. Miz comes back out of a corner with a bitch slap and Morrison strikes him flat down and kicks his ass to the floor. Morrison fakes a suicide dive and kicks Miz in the face before hitting a moonsault off of the apron as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Money is not as nutritious as the green color may lead one to believe.

Back to the match after an abnormally lengthy commercial break. Seriously, why can’t we just eliminate more useless segments for commercials and show uninterrupted matches. Miz is working a camel clutch since he apparently hit a jaw breaker on the ring apron and a neck breaker during the break. Morrison comes back with a roll up for two and Miz puts him down for two himself with a super kick. Miz works the clutch again, rubbing Morrison’s face into the mat. Morrison works his way back up and they start trading blows with Morrison on the rebound. In typical face fashion. Morrison beats Miz down into the corner until the ref pulls him off. Miz comes back with a big blow, but eats canvas from fall slam. A big running kick from Morrison picks up a two count Tajiri style. Morrison baseball slides past Miz out of the ring and trips him. Up top, Miz hangs Morrison up by hitting the ropes. Morrison blocks a superplex and delivers a top rope sunset flip and
 Starship Pain for the win.
Winner: Morrison

Excellent match I have to say. At ringside, Show shoves Truth down and eats a dropkick through the ropes from Morrison. Truth and Morrison back down as Show chases into the ring after them. Way to not look like pussies, guys. In the back, Orton walks in on Trips with some veiled threats about their match as we go to commercial. But not before we get a video that tries to pimp Edge’s running light hug as a viable finisher still.

Random Commercial Thought: Let the malaise of movies begin.

Back to the show where Swagger is here to watch a MitB qualifier which surprises me since it ups the members to 10 now I guess. Kozlov will be taking on Kofi Kingston. He vill break him! Swagger makes a hilarious statement saying he would rather Kofi win because he doesn’t want any of Kozlov ever. You have to admire his honesty I guess, too bad he didn’t mention that the reason for this is because he works as stiff as a piece of fucking oak.

Kofi Kingston vs. Vladimir Kozlov (MitB Qualifier)

Kofi dodges out of the ring and catches Kozlov with a shot from the apron. Kozlov runs him down back in the ring and  delivers some big head butts and a belly to belly overhead for two. Canadian back breaker by Kozlov in the middle of the ring as we’re reminded of Kofi not being 100 percent. Kozlov catches an escaping Kofi with a fall away slam. He fireman carries to set up Kofi over the top turnbuckle for some kicks to the midsection. Kofi blocks a slam out of the corner and counters with an odd little rolling motion. Huge chant rallies for Kofi as both men stagger up and Kofi delivers Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere.
Winner: Kofi

Looking at the MitB lineup I have to say it looks interesting, but I have to question why it is 10 men. That seems like way too many, especially considering the presence of Kane and Drew McIntyre who could be off having other matches.

Random Commercial Thought: While the kid was asleep, they gave him a sex change and brain implants.

Back to the show where they cover Stu Hart being inducted again. Legacy come out and cut a promo. I have to be honest in saying I haven’t even bothered to listen to a single damn word they said. When they start speaking I tend to wonder if it is possible to carve out my eardrums with my fingernails. Also Sheamus show up.

Random Commercial Thought:  Papa John’s ain’t my father!

Back to the show for Triple H and Orton’s entrances.

Sheamus & Legacy vs. Triple H & Randy Orton

Sheamus looks to be starting off with Trips but he decides to pussy out and tag out to Cody instead. Cody eats it pretty hard from the get-go and manages to dodge a corner charge by Trips, tagging in Dibiase. Dibiase is immediately crushed by a clothesline. Trips works his arm over and Orton looks for a tag but Trips give him the snub, allowing a shot from Dibaise who beats him into the corner. Trips comes back with a face buster and knocks Sheamus to the floor so Dibiase delivers a dropkick. Rhodes distracts the ref while Sheamus drags Trips to the floor for a shot of his own. Back in the ring. Sheamus tags in and stomps Trips down until the ref drags him off. Trips fights back but Sheamus puts him down with a double handed clubbing motion. He beats Trips down to the ground before dragging him to the heel corner for a tag.

Dibiase in now. I love the team work of punches and kicks. This is the most interesting match ever! Quick tags follow with punches and kicks in the corner and nothing else. Non-stop thrills. Sheamus elbow Trips on the edge of the apron during a distraction. Rhodes is in now and working Trips over, but Triple H fights back and  goes for a spine buster it seems only for Cody to perform a slower version of Goldust’s drop-down punch. Trips hits a spine buster right after and Orton is in. He annihilates everyone as Sheamus tags in and delivers his inverted backbreaker on Sheamus. Orton winds up for an RKO but decides to go for the suspended DDT on Rhodes instead like an idiot, allowing the pump kick from Sheamus.
Winners: Legacy & Sheamus

Sheamus goes for the kick on Trips, but he ducks and pummels Sheamus over the ropes to the floor. Sheamus seems to about to make another go at it, but decides to back down lest he blind us any further with his presence. We continue our coverage of Cena and Batista with the groin kick from Batista.

Random Commercial Thought: Now, we made the DS Lite, so it would be small enough for pockets…so now we’ve made a bigger DS Lite…my head hurts.

Back to the show for a recap of Hart’s big reveal last week, followed by the man himself on the way to the ring. It’s almost depressing to see his ring intro video of the old Bret over the version of him walking to the ring. He oddly gets What? Chants during his promo, telling how brainwashed some fans are to say that during any pause in a promo these days. Bret sounds like he smoked a few cartons before coming out tonight as he talks about the great matches of his career, including a shout out to his match with Owen that gets huge cheers as it’s the first mention Owen has received since he came back. Bret is about to leave when Vince arrives to interrupt things saying this Sunday one way or  another Bret is screwed. That’s right. The Godfather is returning with lots of hoes for everyone. That’s all Vince has to say on the subject it seems as we cut to Michaels meeting Pete Rose in the back for another two-second cameo. Huh. Glad he hosted.

Random Commercial Thought: Bears are more important than basketball.

Back to the show where HBK arrives to take on Kane. Poor Kane, he’s a big sufferer of the Worf effect. We’re only told he’s badass so everyone else can look like a god when they beat his ass, but he never actually does anything anymore.

Kane vs. Shawn Michaels

HBK starts off with a series of chops before being run down by a kick from Kane. Kane continues to assault Michaels in the corner and puts him down for two with a running dropkick to a seated HBK. Stalling suplex from Kane follows for another two before Kane puts on a chin lock. I was surprised not to see chinlocks all over the place in the handicap match earlier, but then, Orton was only in the match for like twenty seconds. Kane clotheslines Michaels in the corner and continues to stomp him down. HBK ducks a shot in the corner and turns the tables with some chops. Kane reverses the momentum again with a side slam for two. Kane climbs up top for the lariat but he delivers it from such an awkwardly long distance that you know the reversal is coming as Michaels catches his arm into an awkward Crossface. Kane makes the ropes, but back on their feet, Michaels rolls through on Kane into an Ankle Lock. Would he like to go for a Sharpshooter and Walls of
 Jericho too?

Shawn performs his standard offense here into the kip up and the elbow drop. He starts to tune up the band and then blows out his knee! Oh wait, that’s just what I keep expecting to happen to him. As if you couldn’t guess, the lights are off suddenly and Undertaker appears via the magic of Ultimate Warrior’s Destrucity to deliver a choke slam. The lights flash again and Taker is replaced by Kane. Oddly both Kane and the ref disappeared during the lights out. Uh….the match is still going? The Fuck? Oh right, pinfall or submission only. Kane only gets two and goes for his own tombstone, but Shawn slips free and super kicks for the win.
Winner: Michaels

Random Commercial Thought:  History means nothing in the face of Hollywood.

Back to the show. Bob Uecker is announce as being inducted to the Hall of Fame, because he’s as relevant as Pete Rose I guess. We then get a rundown of the Wrestlemania card before we see Rose in the back talking about his revenge to Christian. Christian congratulates him before Pete opens his office door which has red light and music in it. Kane drags him inside to comedy sound effects and door shaking. At least it wasn’t moans. I can handle anything but that.

Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order CI keeps dragging its existence on.

Back to the show for the diva run ins from last week. We’re going to have a big Diva tag match here which is complicated. When did Beth become a face? The heels are joined by Vickie and Alicia Fox. I have no idea why. Maybe I would care if I could get through a single Diva’s match where nobody flubbed a move so hard it made me audibly grown in despair.

Beth Phoenix & Gail Kim & Rosa Mendez vs. Maryse & Michelle McCool & Layla

Gail BOMBS a head scissors on Michelle here as it looks like she about broke her neck. Kim gets a two count off of a wrap around clothesline. Gail knocks the heels off the apron and a flip over pin by Gail is kicked through into a pin by Michelle for two. Michelle then hoists her up to drop her in an odd looking move I have no name for. It wins the match though. Mercifully short.
Winners: Heels

We continue with our recap of Cena and Batista, this time the Shown/Cena match before seeing Batista on his way through the back with security.

Random Commercial Thought: Keep an eye out for the soon remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space, now just Plan 9.

We learn as we return next week’s hosts will be the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine. Nothing says, post-Wrestlemania Raw like HOT TUB TIME MACHINE. Fuck. Here’s Batista. Batista talks about how beloved Cena is (he is?) and how it’s all due to Cena being a corporate douche. Pretty much. Batista says he’s hated for being “real” or some bullshit like that. He talks about how when he sees people all he sees is people. He says the fat people paid for two seats. That was pretty funny. Cena eventually comes out to rebuttal Batista who hides behind the group of security guards. There is a big “You can’t wrestle” chant against Cena here as he mentions being disappointed in the fans right now when Batista became champion. Cena says the people have lost confidence in him because he let Batista beat him. Cena tries to twist the chant to his own means, but it would really behoove him at this point to make a heel time sometime soon if it weren’t for
 the sales risk. Cena says Batista should be fired since he isn’t good at his job because he has to be surrounded by security and Cena wouldn’t even still be able to walk. I’m not sure it’s part of the job to cripple and/or kill someone. Cena gets his Twilight shirt pop when Batista demand he not turn his back.

Cena dives through security onto Batista and has to be dragged off several times until Batista runs from the ring and is “held back” by referees. Cena beats the security down and Batista takes a walk as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Easily the Miz and Morrison match by far.

Lowlight of the Night: The promo by legacy was almost painful to sit through.

WWE “Creative” Award: Divas match served no purpose other than reminding us they can’t wrestle.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.