Welcome back to the last
Raw before Wrestlemania, and who better to host the
show than Non-Baseball Hall of Famer Pete
Rose…..where are you going? As much complaining as I
do, I do have to admit that Wrestlemania this year
does have some very interesting looking matches on
the card, and some others that look like they would
make me want to burn out my eyes with Clorox bleach.
Namely, Trips/Sheamus and the Legacy triple threat.
Show opens with the
typical theme and pyro. I find it odd how many
vacuous wastes of space manage to be in the opening
segment prominently (Sheamus, Bellas, Rosa).
Michaels opens things up for us with a replay of him
supervising Taker on Smackdown. He talks about how
he feel son top of the world like he did when he
threw Marty Jannety through a window and when he
beat Bret Hart for the title. He manages to pimp out
his new DVD too. He also accidentally calls himself
the Heartbake Kid in saying he will forever be known
as the man who ended Undertaker’s win streak. He’s
interrupted by a blackout that suddenly has his
career displayed in highlights, ending with his
tombstone from Taker last year and a message from
Taker that his career is over.
demands Taker come say something to his face but
instead we get Pete Rose. Pete sounds like he’s
robotically repeating lines as crowd members start
to give him “you suck” chants. Rose makes a match
between Michaels and Kane. He wants it to be revenge
for what Kane did to him. Rose also makes it the
same rules as his match against Taker will be. We
get a recap of the encounters between Batista and
Cena, starting with the 2008 Summerslam match.
Apparently they will be “facing off” tonight because
who wants main events when we could have pointless
Random Commercial Thought: If she’s
18 I’m the King of England.
Back to the show
where they recap the assault on Showmiz by Morrison
and Truth. Show and R-Truth are on the mic for this
next singles match. Show demands they get better
title opponents at the PPV.
United States Champion The Miz vs. John Morrison
things early on, picking up a two count off of a
roll up. Miz comes back out of a corner with a bitch
slap and Morrison strikes him flat down and kicks
his ass to the floor. Morrison fakes a suicide dive
and kicks Miz in the face before hitting a moonsault
off of the apron as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Money is not as
nutritious as the green color may lead one to
Back to the match after an
abnormally lengthy commercial break. Seriously, why
can’t we just eliminate more useless segments for
commercials and show uninterrupted matches. Miz is
working a camel clutch since he apparently hit a jaw
breaker on the ring apron and a neck breaker during
the break. Morrison comes back with a roll up for
two and Miz puts him down for two himself with a
super kick. Miz works the clutch again, rubbing
Morrison’s face into the mat. Morrison works his way
back up and they start trading blows with Morrison
on the rebound. In typical face fashion. Morrison
beats Miz down into the corner until the ref pulls
him off. Miz comes back with a big blow, but eats
canvas from fall slam. A big running kick from
Morrison picks up a two count Tajiri style. Morrison
baseball slides past Miz out of the ring and trips
him. Up top, Miz hangs Morrison up by hitting the
ropes. Morrison blocks a superplex and delivers a
top rope sunset flip and
Starship Pain for the
Excellent match I
have to say. At ringside, Show shoves Truth down and
eats a dropkick through the ropes from Morrison.
Truth and Morrison back down as Show chases into the
ring after them. Way to not look like pussies, guys.
In the back, Orton walks in on Trips with some
veiled threats about their match as we go to
commercial. But not before we get a video that tries
to pimp Edge’s running light hug as a viable
Random Commercial Thought:
Let the malaise of movies begin.
Back to the
show where Swagger is here to watch a MitB qualifier
which surprises me since it ups the members to 10
now I guess. Kozlov will be taking on Kofi Kingston.
He vill break him! Swagger makes a hilarious
statement saying he would rather Kofi win because he
doesn’t want any of Kozlov ever. You have to admire
his honesty I guess, too bad he didn’t mention that
the reason for this is because he works as stiff as
a piece of fucking oak.
Kofi Kingston vs. Vladimir Kozlov
Kofi dodges out of
the ring and catches Kozlov with a shot from the
apron. Kozlov runs him down back in the ring and
delivers some big head butts and a belly to belly
overhead for two. Canadian back breaker by Kozlov in
the middle of the ring as we’re reminded of Kofi not
being 100 percent. Kozlov catches an escaping Kofi
with a fall away slam. He fireman carries to set up
Kofi over the top turnbuckle for some kicks to the
midsection. Kofi blocks a slam out of the corner and
counters with an odd little rolling motion. Huge
chant rallies for Kofi as both men stagger up and
Kofi delivers Trouble in Paradise out of nowhere.
Looking at the MitB lineup I
have to say it looks interesting, but I have to
question why it is 10 men. That seems like way too
many, especially considering the presence of Kane
and Drew McIntyre who could be off having other
Random Commercial Thought: While the
kid was asleep, they gave him a sex change and brain
Back to the show where they cover
Stu Hart being inducted again. Legacy come out and
cut a promo. I have to be honest in saying I haven’t
even bothered to listen to a single damn word they
said. When they start speaking I tend to wonder if
it is possible to carve out my eardrums with my
fingernails. Also Sheamus show up.
Commercial Thought: Papa John’s ain’t my
Back to the show for Triple H and
Sheamus & Legacy vs. Triple H &
Sheamus looks to be
starting off with Trips but he decides to pussy out
and tag out to Cody instead. Cody eats it pretty
hard from the get-go and manages to dodge a corner
charge by Trips, tagging in Dibiase. Dibiase is
immediately crushed by a clothesline. Trips works
his arm over and Orton looks for a tag but Trips
give him the snub, allowing a shot from Dibaise who
beats him into the corner. Trips comes back with a
face buster and knocks Sheamus to the floor so
Dibiase delivers a dropkick. Rhodes distracts the
ref while Sheamus drags Trips to the floor for a
shot of his own. Back in the ring. Sheamus tags in
and stomps Trips down until the ref drags him off.
Trips fights back but Sheamus puts him down with a
double handed clubbing motion. He beats Trips down
to the ground before dragging him to the heel corner
for a tag.
Dibiase in now. I love the team
work of punches and kicks. This is the most
interesting match ever! Quick tags follow with
punches and kicks in the corner and nothing else.
Non-stop thrills. Sheamus elbow Trips on the edge of
the apron during a distraction. Rhodes is in now and
working Trips over, but Triple H fights back and
goes for a spine buster it seems only for Cody to
perform a slower version of Goldust’s drop-down
punch. Trips hits a spine buster right after and
Orton is in. He annihilates everyone as Sheamus tags
in and delivers his inverted backbreaker on Sheamus.
Orton winds up for an RKO but decides to go for the
suspended DDT on Rhodes instead like an idiot,
allowing the pump kick from Sheamus.
Legacy & Sheamus
Sheamus goes for the kick on
Trips, but he ducks and pummels Sheamus over the
ropes to the floor. Sheamus seems to about to make
another go at it, but decides to back down lest he
blind us any further with his presence. We continue
our coverage of Cena and Batista with the groin kick
Random Commercial Thought: Now,
we made the DS Lite, so it would be small enough for
pockets…so now we’ve made a bigger DS Lite…my head
Back to the show for a recap of Hart’s
big reveal last week, followed by the man himself on
the way to the ring. It’s almost depressing to see
his ring intro video of the old Bret over the
version of him walking to the ring. He oddly gets
What? Chants during his promo, telling how
brainwashed some fans are to say that during any
pause in a promo these days. Bret sounds like he
smoked a few cartons before coming out tonight as he
talks about the great matches of his career,
including a shout out to his match with Owen that
gets huge cheers as it’s the first mention Owen has
received since he came back. Bret is about to leave
when Vince arrives to interrupt things saying this
Sunday one way or another Bret is screwed.
That’s right. The Godfather is returning with lots
of hoes for everyone. That’s all Vince has to say on
the subject it seems as we cut to Michaels meeting
Pete Rose in the back for another two-second cameo.
Huh. Glad he hosted.
Thought: Bears are more important than basketball.
Back to the show where HBK arrives to take on Kane.
Poor Kane, he’s a big sufferer of the Worf effect.
We’re only told he’s badass so everyone else can
look like a god when they beat his ass, but he never
actually does anything anymore.
Kane vs. Shawn Michaels
HBK starts off
with a series of chops before being run down by a
kick from Kane. Kane continues to assault Michaels
in the corner and puts him down for two with a
running dropkick to a seated HBK. Stalling suplex
from Kane follows for another two before Kane puts
on a chin lock. I was surprised not to see chinlocks
all over the place in the handicap match earlier,
but then, Orton was only in the match for like
twenty seconds. Kane clotheslines Michaels in the
corner and continues to stomp him down. HBK ducks a
shot in the corner and turns the tables with some
chops. Kane reverses the momentum again with a side
slam for two. Kane climbs up top for the lariat but
he delivers it from such an awkwardly long distance
that you know the reversal is coming as Michaels
catches his arm into an awkward Crossface. Kane
makes the ropes, but back on their feet, Michaels
rolls through on Kane into an Ankle Lock. Would he
like to go for a Sharpshooter and Walls of
Shawn performs his standard
offense here into the kip up and the elbow drop. He
starts to tune up the band and then blows out his
knee! Oh wait, that’s just what I keep expecting to
happen to him. As if you couldn’t guess, the lights
are off suddenly and Undertaker appears via the
magic of Ultimate Warrior’s Destrucity to deliver a
choke slam. The lights flash again and Taker is
replaced by Kane. Oddly both Kane and the ref
disappeared during the lights out. Uh….the match is
still going? The Fuck? Oh right, pinfall or
submission only. Kane only gets two and goes for his
own tombstone, but Shawn slips free and super kicks
for the win.
Commercial Thought: History means nothing in
the face of Hollywood.
Back to the show. Bob
Uecker is announce as being inducted to the Hall of
Fame, because he’s as relevant as Pete Rose I guess.
We then get a rundown of the Wrestlemania card
before we see Rose in the back talking about his
revenge to Christian. Christian congratulates him
before Pete opens his office door which has red
light and music in it. Kane drags him inside to
comedy sound effects and door shaking. At least it
wasn’t moans. I can handle anything but that.
Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order CI keeps
dragging its existence on.
Back to the show
for the diva run ins from last week. We’re going to
have a big Diva tag match here which is complicated.
When did Beth become a face? The heels are joined by
Vickie and Alicia Fox. I have no idea why. Maybe I
would care if I could get through a single Diva’s
match where nobody flubbed a move so hard it made me
audibly grown in despair.
Beth Phoenix & Gail Kim & Rosa
Mendez vs. Maryse & Michelle McCool & Layla
Gail BOMBS a head scissors on Michelle here as it
looks like she about broke her neck. Kim gets a two
count off of a wrap around clothesline. Gail knocks
the heels off the apron and a flip over pin by Gail
is kicked through into a pin by Michelle for two.
Michelle then hoists her up to drop her in an odd
looking move I have no name for. It wins the match
though. Mercifully short.
We continue with our recap of Cena and Batista, this
time the Shown/Cena match before seeing Batista on
his way through the back with security.
Random Commercial Thought: Keep an eye out for the
soon remake of Plan 9 from Outer Space, now just
We learn as we return next week’s
hosts will be the cast of Hot Tub Time Machine.
Nothing says, post-Wrestlemania Raw like HOT TUB
TIME MACHINE. Fuck. Here’s Batista. Batista talks
about how beloved Cena is (he is?) and how it’s all
due to Cena being a corporate douche. Pretty much.
Batista says he’s hated for being “real” or some
bullshit like that. He talks about how when he sees
people all he sees is people. He says the fat people
paid for two seats. That was pretty funny. Cena
eventually comes out to rebuttal Batista who hides
behind the group of security guards. There is a big
“You can’t wrestle” chant against Cena here as he
mentions being disappointed in the fans right now
when Batista became champion. Cena says the people
have lost confidence in him because he let Batista
beat him. Cena tries to twist the chant to his own
means, but it would really behoove him at this point
to make a heel time sometime soon if it weren’t for
the sales risk. Cena says Batista should be fired
since he isn’t good at his job because he has to be
surrounded by security and Cena wouldn’t even still
be able to walk. I’m not sure it’s part of the job
to cripple and/or kill someone. Cena gets his
Twilight shirt pop when Batista demand he not turn
Cena dives through security onto
Batista and has to be dragged off several times
until Batista runs from the ring and is “held back”
by referees. Cena beats the security down and
Batista takes a walk as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night:
Easily the Miz and Morrison match by far.
Lowlight of the Night: The
promo by legacy was almost painful to sit through.
WWE “Creative” Award: Divas match served no
purpose other than reminding us they can’t wrestle.