WWE RAW RANT
March 21, 2011
Ah, it’s good to be back.
That’s a dirty lie. I apologize. If Snooky appears on this show I’m going to throw my shoe at the screen. If a small child walks into the room, I will also throw them at the screen. Thanks to Halo for filling in for me. I’m not really sure what that article said as it kind of appeared to have been written in the middle of a crack fever, which is probably appropriate.
The show opens with Jim Ross being introduced, but it’s Michael Cole in an outfit and a fake ankle brace saying a bunch of random J.R. quotes while Matthews and King complain. He gets a huge “You Suck” chant that feels like it was kind of pre-pushed by speakers. Cole gets in the “Fortress of Aptitude and Attitude” or the “Cole Mine” as he calls it. I like that first name. So…does he announce from in that stupid thing? Here’s Triple H.
Trips tries desperately hard to convince us that the streak is more important to him than any of the titles he has ever held combined are. He buried all those corpses for nothing? He says he wants Taker in the ring next week for a last face off so he can tell him just what he plans to do at Mania. I saved you about ten minutes of slow, Shatner-esque dialogue to get to this part. He finishes his shtick and Ted Dibiase comes out to get squashed I guess. Ted says he was a rising superstar in WWE a year ago when he fought Orton last year at Mania. He says he’s an afterthought this year. Not true. I haven’t thought about him at all. He says he’ll make his own opportunity by taking out Tripe H now.
Yeah, this isn’t going to go well. Ted doesn’t even deliver that line with any convincing emoting at all. He knows what is about to happen. Trips knocks him to the floor and lets Dibiase wail on him for a little be before crushing his ass into several steel steps a few times over. Dibiase gets crushed by a chair several times over as well before Trips takes apart the announce desk. He should jump off of the top of Cole’s fortress. Pedigree follows through the table. Gonna climb his way to victory over Taker on a pile of other wrestlers.
Random Commercial Thought: I hated Shogun anyway.
Back to the show for King Sheamus looking to beat down Evan Bourne for the 80th time.
Evan Bourne vs. US Champion King Sheamus (Non-Title Match)Sheamus shoves Evan around who tries to kick back at him but gets powered into the corner to eat a clothesline. Sheamus starts kneeing the shit out of Bourne on the ground. He hammers Bourne over the chest while tied up in the ropes. Bourne comes back with offense of his own and nails Sheamus in the head, but bombs on Air Bourne, missing it entirety. Sheamus kicks him in the side of the head and picks up the win.
Diva’s Champion Eve Torres vs. Maryse (Non-Title Match)Maryse shows off her body and they do what seems to be animated mime in the ring, only with French yelling which is ironic since I thought the French invented that. Maryse grabs Eve by the hair when she shoves her down, slamming Eve’s face into the canvas over and over until the ref drags her off. She does much the same in the turnbuckle and chokes her on the ropes. Maryse misses a ramming knee to the back to follow this when Cole proceeds to bury another diva’s match for another exclusive while Eve is taking control. Not that it’s a good match or anything. Eve delivers the world’s shittiest clothesline and Maryse counters this with the world’s shittiest moonsault that Eve blocks. Maryse goes for the French Kiss, but Eve counters into the neck breaker she has been using recenty for the win.
Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel w/ The Corre (Non-Title Match)Justin gets owned by Santino who fires up the Cobra only to be distracted by Slater and wheel kicked by Gabriel. Slater tags in to try and wrestle…which results in a headlock. Kozlov gets a tag and powers through Slater. Kozlov delivers one of the stiffest kicks I have ever seen. Wade distracts Kozlov who kicks through the ropes and hangs himself up. Slater drops Kozlov from behind and tags to Gabriel for the 450.
Dolph Ziggler w/ Useless bitches vs. John Morrison w/Brown-haired TrishDolph takes control right away and beats him down with heavy right. Morrison comes charging back and hammer Dolph into the corner. He decides to roar for some reason and turn around, eating a boot from Dolph for two. Dolph gets another two off of a headlock or something stupid like that. Speaking of headlocks, he’s working one right now. I think this is the third already. Morrison slides through his legs out of an Irish whip and sends Dolph to the floor with a clothesline before moving to suicide dive onto the bitches and Dolph, but Michelle blocks him. Trish beats the girls up at ringside when the GM interrupts. Why is that not over yet? As soon as the GM announces the change to a new match, and that Vickie is allowed in it, Trish grabs her by the hair and tries to drag her back in as we go to commercial.
Dolph Ziggler & Laycool & Vickie vs. Trish Stratus & John Morrison (Mixed Tag Match)Dolph is getting wrecked so Layla tags herself in, forcing in Trish. Trish gets beat into the corner. Trish hits Stratusphere when Layla sits on the turnbuckle to taunt like an idiot. Michelle hit’s a cheap shot while Layla distracts the ref to regain the advantage and Michelle makes the tag. Trish kicks her way free of an assault on her knees by Michelle, but is dragged away from the tag for Layla to tag back in for two. Vickie tries to come in and Morrison gets the tag because she’s retarded. Morrison chases her back to the corner where Dolph LEAPS into the ring!….and gets fucking annihilated. Morrison gets distracted after the flash kick when Layla slams Trish from the apron to the floor. Morrison misses Starship Pain and eats the Zig Zag. Vickie tags in to pick up the pin.
Randy Orton vs. Rey MysterioRey starts off with a kick to the knee, but Orton over powers him. Rey slips between the legs and starts going after the knees again, dropkicking them out. Orton ducks a spin kick and delivers an uppercut while grounded. Shoryuken! Orton starts twitching for some reason and chucks Mysterio to the floor. Old school Orton. By that I mean he goes to a headlock. Mysterio comes back with a senton, but Orton stops him short with the power slam. Orton goes for the suspended DDT, but Orton counters into a 619 attempt, but Orton grabs his legs to block and counters it back into the suspended DDT. CM Punk appears in the parking lot to say he can’t wait to meet Orton’s wife on his nice bus. Orton leaves. So…he loses right?
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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