WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

March 21, 2011

Ah, it’s good to be back.

That’s a dirty lie. I apologize. If Snooky appears on this show I’m going to throw my shoe at the screen. If a small child walks into the room, I will also throw them at the screen. Thanks to Halo for filling in for me. I’m not really sure what that article said as it kind of appeared to have been written in the middle of a crack fever, which is probably appropriate.

Raw 03.21.11

The show opens with Jim Ross being introduced, but it’s Michael Cole in an outfit and a fake ankle brace saying a bunch of random J.R. quotes while Matthews and King complain. He gets a huge “You Suck” chant that feels like it was kind of pre-pushed by speakers. Cole gets in the “Fortress of Aptitude and Attitude” or the “Cole Mine” as he calls it. I like that first name. So…does he announce from in that stupid thing? Here’s Triple H.

Trips tries desperately hard to convince us that the streak is more important to him than any of the titles he has ever held combined are. He buried all those corpses for nothing? He says he wants Taker in the ring next week for a last face off so he can tell him just what he plans to do at Mania. I saved you about ten minutes of slow, Shatner-esque dialogue to get to this part. He finishes his shtick and Ted Dibiase comes out to get squashed I guess. Ted says he was a rising superstar in WWE a year ago when he fought Orton last year at Mania. He says he’s an afterthought this year. Not true. I haven’t thought about him at all. He says he’ll make his own opportunity by taking out Tripe H now.

Yeah, this isn’t going to go well. Ted doesn’t even deliver that line with any convincing emoting at all. He knows what is about to happen. Trips knocks him to the floor and lets Dibiase wail on him for a little be before crushing his ass into several steel steps a few times over. Dibiase gets crushed by a chair several times over as well before Trips takes apart the announce desk. He should jump off of the top of Cole’s fortress. Pedigree follows through the table. Gonna climb his way to victory over Taker on a pile of other wrestlers.

Random Commercial Thought: I hated Shogun anyway.

Back to the show for King Sheamus looking to beat down Evan Bourne for the 80th time.

Evan Bourne vs. US Champion King Sheamus (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus shoves Evan around who tries to kick back at him but gets powered into the corner to eat a clothesline. Sheamus starts kneeing the shit out of Bourne on the ground. He hammers Bourne over the chest while tied up in the ropes. Bourne comes back with offense of his own and nails Sheamus in the head, but bombs on Air Bourne, missing it entirety. Sheamus kicks him in the side of the head and picks up the win.

Winner: Sheamus

Business as usual. Sheamus celebrates when he is interrupted by Daniel Bryan. He challenges Sheamus to a rematch at Wrestlemania who responds by booting him right in the fucking face. That’s how I always respond to bad news too.

Random Commercial Thought: What is up with the little kid voiced Subway commercials? Does somebody find this to be anything other than really weird?

Back to the show for a replay of what Orton did every singe week to Nexus. Same random jackass asks Orton about his tour bus. He says it offers him privacy and allows him to bring his family with him. There is no way this is going to come back to kick him in the ass. He says witnessing things like him killing ever member of Nexus with kicks to the head is his favorite thing to watch over and over…presumably while viciously masturbating and making angry faces at his family as they look on in horror. Maryse is in the ring. I guess she’s still relevant.

Diva’s Champion Eve Torres vs. Maryse (Non-Title Match)

Maryse shows off her body and they do what seems to be animated mime in the ring, only with French yelling which is ironic since I thought the French invented that. Maryse grabs Eve by the hair when she shoves her down, slamming Eve’s face into the canvas over and over until the ref drags her off. She does much the same in the turnbuckle and chokes her on the ropes. Maryse misses a ramming knee to the back to follow this when Cole proceeds to bury another diva’s match for another exclusive while Eve is taking control. Not that it’s a good match or anything. Eve delivers the world’s shittiest clothesline and Maryse counters this with the world’s shittiest moonsault that Eve blocks. Maryse goes for the French Kiss, but Eve counters into the neck breaker she has been using recenty for the win.

Winner: Eve

Eve gets up in Coe’s face in the box as he tells her she doesn’t want any of this. She knocks him over until Security pushes her away. Is he feuding with the entire fucking roster now?

Random Commercial Thought: Children don’t have a healthy respect for fear of communists anymore.

The Corre are here and we get a replay of Wade once again trying to hilariously use Wasteland on Big Show before they beat Show and Kane down.

Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel w/ The Corre (Non-Title Match)

Justin gets owned by Santino who fires up the Cobra only to be distracted by Slater and wheel kicked by Gabriel. Slater tags in to try and wrestle…which results in a headlock. Kozlov gets a tag and powers through Slater. Kozlov delivers one of the stiffest kicks I have ever seen. Wade distracts Kozlov who kicks through the ropes and hangs himself up. Slater drops Kozlov from behind and tags to Gabriel for the 450.

Winners: Corre

The Corre starts tearing them apart just as Big Show and Kane appear to even up the odds. Haha, Kane did a little waddle run. Gabriel is dragged to the floor and crushed before the rest are taken down by Show, Kane and Santino. Heath eats a knock out punch while Kane boots Wade in the face. Jackson gets choke slammed by both men. Why did King tell Matthews to watch out for Kane’s fire. Did he think he was going to summon it shooting straight sideways? Santino and Kozlov share some handshakes. When did Kane become a face again? I missed something.

Random Commercial Thought: I can’t get over how shitty Fairly Legal is.

Back to the show where we learn Rock will finally be on Raw next week. I think it’s amusing that Cena has really looked like the one in the right in this feud despite being the more disliked guy. Why the fuck ISN’T Rock showing up? Come on. We get a replay of last week’s match and the entrance of Rock-Miz. Cena is taking a turn to be here “live from his house” which suspiciously looks like a dressed up set like every other “home” out there. Not really interested in this promo much, but it’s basic fair. Cole eventually interrupts to say that he’s here live, unlike Cena or the Rock and next he will have his world-wide exclusive that King will not want to miss. Tell me it isn’t his penis.

Random Commercial Thought: Why was there ever a PG-13 Die Hard movie?

Back to the show where Cole and Swagger are literally dancing in the ring. They show clips of Grandmaster Sexay last week. Swagger is just standing in front of the new announce table like a some kind of rapist looking over his newest conquest. Cole has the Lawler Family Photo Album. Unless this is Lawler’s candid pictures of underage girls, I doubt this has much to do with anything. DONE!……We’re back. This culminates in Kind destroying Jack Swagger in two hits and then chasing Cole back to his glass cage when Swagger cuts him off with a clothesline. Swagger hilariously mashes King’s face into the cage while Cole talks shit. Haha. He made a piggy face. Swagger does another ankle lock and Cole puts it on as well while demanding a tap out. I care so little about this right now. It’s the most hyped feud of the entire fucking PPV.

Random Commercial Thought: The Wrestlemania theme has been on the radio a lot. Getting kind of annoying now.

Cole apologizes for snapping and say he will control himself. Snooki (I’ve been spelling he dumb, fucking name wrong) mania. DONE. Back from that flashback I never want to see or think about ever again.

Dolph Ziggler w/ Useless bitches vs. John Morrison w/Brown-haired Trish

Dolph takes control right away and beats him down with heavy right. Morrison comes charging back and hammer Dolph into the corner. He decides to roar for some reason and turn around, eating a boot from Dolph for two. Dolph gets another two off of a headlock or something stupid like that. Speaking of headlocks, he’s working one right now. I think this is the third already. Morrison slides through his legs out of an Irish whip and sends Dolph to the floor with a clothesline before moving to suicide dive onto the bitches and Dolph, but Michelle blocks him. Trish beats the girls up at ringside when the GM interrupts. Why is that not over yet? As soon as the GM announces the change to a new match, and that Vickie is allowed in it, Trish grabs her by the hair and tries to drag her back in as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I am number 362. I don’t get very many calls.

Back to the show.

Dolph Ziggler & Laycool & Vickie vs. Trish Stratus & John Morrison (Mixed Tag Match)

Dolph is getting wrecked so Layla tags herself in, forcing in Trish. Trish gets beat into the corner. Trish hits Stratusphere when Layla sits on the turnbuckle to taunt like an idiot. Michelle hit’s a cheap shot while Layla distracts the ref to regain the advantage and Michelle makes the tag. Trish kicks her way free of an assault on her knees by Michelle, but is dragged away from the tag for Layla to tag back in for two. Vickie tries to come in and Morrison gets the tag because she’s retarded. Morrison chases her back to the corner where Dolph LEAPS into the ring!….and gets fucking annihilated. Morrison gets distracted after the flash kick when Layla slams Trish from the apron to the floor. Morrison misses Starship Pain and eats the Zig Zag. Vickie tags in to pick up the pin.

Winners: Heels

Um…wait, what? This was a mixed tag match, not inter-gender. Vickie CAN’T pin Morrison because he’s not a woman. A count out would have needed to be initiated on Trish instead. Way to be idiots, WWE. The gimmick here was to have Morrison now have an official loss to Vickie…which was impossible by the match’s rules. If she could pin Morrison, then he could have pinned her immediately when he came in instead of having to wait for Ziggler. This fact was addressed several times in the match, even by the announcers, then promptly ignored for three seconds.

Random Commercial Thought: This is one of those nights where I think I would rather the commercials just keep going after what I just saw.

Back to the show where we replay the Taker/Trips thing. It features a lot of interviews and is pretty interesting as far as hype goes. Now, a match. Thank god. Orton is out to take on Rey Rey, but first we get replays of the punts. Cole says the punt is patented, which begs the question of just how retarded the patent department has become. Like when they let that guy patent the idea of entertaining cats with laser pointers.

Random Commercial Thought: Math cooks better burgers than you.

They try to replay Orton’s comments from earlier, but it comes over completely silent. Apparently he’s taking up mime too tonight.

Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

Rey starts off with a kick to the knee, but Orton over powers him. Rey slips between the legs and starts going after the knees again, dropkicking them out. Orton ducks a spin kick and delivers an uppercut while grounded. Shoryuken! Orton starts twitching for some reason and chucks Mysterio to the floor. Old school Orton. By that I mean he goes to a headlock. Mysterio comes back with a senton, but Orton stops him short with the power slam. Orton goes for the suspended DDT, but Orton counters into a 619 attempt, but Orton grabs his legs to block and counters it back into the suspended DDT. CM Punk appears in the parking lot to say he can’t wait to meet Orton’s wife on his nice bus. Orton leaves. So…he loses right?

Winner: Mysterio?

Orton gets beat down in front of the bus while Orton’s wife squeals in terror in the worst acting ever and Punk tells her to up. Knew it couldn’t have ended badly at all. By the way he got nailed in the knee with a wrench. Punk makes eyes at his wife in the window of the bus who looks mysteriously turned on by this. She calls for help, when it’s clear that stupid bus would have a phone, or she has a cell phone to call 911 if she needs help so bad. Stupid bitch.

Random Commercial Thought: Yeah that’s what I think when I think horror, Paranormal Activity and Saw put together.

Back to the show. I guess I celebrated too soon about having that match, huh? We learn Taker has confirmed he will meet Trips face to face next week. I can only assume he did this through the new satellite cell phone signal he installed in his Nevada coffin. Alex Riley is in the ring to say he was fired as Miz’s Apprentice three weeks ago, but earlier this week he was re-hired as Vice President of Corporate Communications. Good, his career can continue to flounder all over. He introduces Miz for us. Miz talks about how awesome he is and has something to reveal to us before flipping the WWE over into the Miz logo. After a lot of posturing he gets around to unveiling a sheet in the ring to show the severed head of Cena’s wife….okay it’s just the WWE Belt with the logo upside down on it. This actually gets some pretty big cheers. Matthews declares this as disrespectful. Since that is way less disrespectful than a fucking spinner.

Cena appears on the screen to mock this decision. Cena says they picked the wrong guy before some set guys remove his house from behind him to reveal he is in the arena. He says he has been home already since this is his home. Har har. Cena storms through the back toward the ring as they seem incapable of deciding what to do. Told you it looked like a set. Miz attempts to use the table as a shield. This of course does very little. Cena charges in and fights them both off, but the numbers work against him until he manages to chuck Riley to the floor. Miz takes a retreat down the ring so Cena puts Riley in an STF which is basically the sole reason he exists. Cena puts the hold on a few times until he just celebrates as the show goes off the air. Good promotion.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing. There was no reason to watch this show unless you wanted to know Sheamus and Bryan will be wrestling at Mania.

Lowlight of the Night: Orton/Mysterio cock-tease match.

WWE "Creative" Award: Cole. Cole Cole cole cole. It’s killing me, Smalls.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.