Welcome back to the show
that really knows how to book it’s old geezers. By
having a bunch of other guys beat their opponents up
or them. Of course, the match was Russo booking at
its finest and is only going to culminate in a match
nobody wants to see ever. Ever. But at least we
didn’t see Vince McMahon wrestle.
I encourage everyone
to make up words for the theme song themselves as
they go along. It’s far more entertaining and you
can make the vocal artist sound like he’s retarded.
We get theme and pyro to open the show before
learning we are getting three Wrestlemania rematches
tonight, Michaels will be against Jericho, Trips
will take on Orton and Cena will wrestle Show. We’re
then visited by Stone Cold. He doesn’t even look
like a man who stabbed a guy in the chest while
filming Stalone’s new Expendables movie. There is a
massive man at ringside pumping his arms with no
sleeves and the flab is flying. He demands a beer
for working so hard to walk down the aisle. Austin
fires up the crowd pretty well. Someone else in he
crowd has a cardboard cut out of Ronald McDonald
with movable arms. Austin goes on about Wrestlemania
and how important it is before getting around to
Austin finishes with a “Said
so” and we’re then joined by Cena. Stone Cold then
just leaves to his own theme. But he barely gets
halfway down the ramp before we’re interrupted by
Big Show. Theme song collisions. I guess we’re just
going to have the match right now. No fanfare or
vs. The Big Show
Cena dodges some
grabs and shots from Show before laying in with a
punch but Show blocks and lifts Cena up, tossing him
straight over head. It’s kinda like a backwards
Electic Chair Drop.
Thought: Kids that wimpy need to be euthanized.
We come back to a chin lock by Big Show before Cena
tries to break free. He’s casually thrown to the
floor for his effort but when show leans over to
drag him back in, he’s hung up on the top rope. Cena
is in trying to fire up, but he falls beneath Big
Show’s weight while trying to lift him for a two
count. Cena is chucked into a corner but dodges Big
Show’s splash off the second rope. Cena blocks a
corner charge with both feet and kicks the legs out
on the second try. Cena comes off the top with his
guillotine leg drop and seems to botch it by kicking
Show in the side of the head. Cena starts for a Five
Knuckle Shuffle but is interrupted by Batista. Cena
turns into a choke slam but Cena kicks out. Cena
ducks a follow up knock out punch. Cena tries to
counter with the FU, but Show slips free by raking
the eyes when Batista distracts the ref. Ina
actuality they fuck this spot up somehow and it just
has Big Show slapping Cena’s hand lightly when
shown on the replay. Show lands the punch and picks
Thought: It’s like a giant brown tornado.
Bourne is out as we return to get completely
annihilated by Sheamus again. Sheamus proceeds to
kick him and deliver his MOVE THAT SHALL NOT BE
NAMED. The match never officially starts even though
normally matches start as soon as somebody hits
somebody else. Glad for that burial. Bourne will be
picking worms out of his teeth or weeks. Sheamus
talks about how he admired certain people in the WWE
and one that stood out was Trips because he was an
asshole who hit people with hammers. Everyone
admires a man with a hammer.
We see Steve in
the back talking to Michaels who asks if he thinks
he can beat Taker. Austin says he thinks he an beat
him but Taker will win this time. Michaels says he
proved everyone wrong when Austin supposedly ended
his career. They are soon interrupted by Jericho who
reminds Michaels he’s the World Champion and
Michaels is not. Michaels threatens to destroy him
brutally before leaving. Jericho says the match
isn’t really necessary and says they should just go
get drunk. They share a laugh and then Austin ships
him off to go get his ass beat.
Commercial Thought: I want to be buried with
We come back to Kelly Kelly. Time to
go fix some food if you’re hungry. I’m cooking a
pizza. She is facing Maryse whom I have yet to
decide whether or not she can wrestle yet because
all she ever does is get beat up al match and then
do a DDT.
Kelly Kelly vs. Diva’s Champion
Maryse (Non-Title Match)
They have a
pose off trying to b sexy and Kelly gets attacked
from behind. Kelly backflips out of a caught kick
and then dropkicks awkwardly. Kelly tackles and
attacks her on the ground before she delivers the
Fameasser. I’m not joking. Kelly is sent face first
into the corner and eats the French Kiss. Yet to
determine if she wrestles.
Post-match, Kelly is annihilated at ringside. Gail
and Eve come out and save the day with a neck
breaker. Layla and Michelle McCool then come out and
beat up the faces from behind. Uh. Why? Eve takes
out Layla so Michelle and Eve botch a spin kick
HORRENDOUSLY that takes two tries. Vickie Guerrero
appears to applaud and celebrate. Why does she still
have a job?
Random Commercial Thought: I
could eat that.
Back to the show where we get
a sizable video package about the Taker/Michaels
rematch and a sign that I thought said “Steak vs.
Career” instead of “Streak”. Jericho and Michaels
make their entrances and Michaels go some overly
heavy pyro. Must have had extras to burn?
Random Commercial Thought: Why are those kids so
tiny in their fantasies?
Back to the show for
the match to get started.
Shawn Michaels vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris
Jericho (Non-Title Match)
works Jericho over in the corner early on and
delivers some knife edged chops. Jericho makes him
eat ring post in the shoulder but Michaels comes
back with chops and leaps onto Jericho with a Lou
Thesz press and some ground and pound. Jericho back
body drops Michaels to the floor over the ropes.
Back in the ring, Jericho hangs Michaels up on the
bottom rope with a monkey flip. Jericho continues to
control the match stomping Michaels around and
working a chinlock. Michaels breaks free and goes
into his typical offense. Jericho counters it with a
roll through into the Walls, but Michaels counters
with a small package for two. Jericho comes back
with a bulldog and signals the lionsault but of
course he hits some knees. Michaels lands the elbow
drop and tunes up the band. Jericho runs from the
kick to the floor. Jericho gets counted out taunting
on the ramp.
annihilates Jericho suddenly and beats him back to
the ring for a spear.
Thought: Stone Cold is also going to be in another
movie where he beats people up. At least it’s
Back to the show where we
learn Randy will be in Triple Threat match against
the rest of Legacy at Wrestlemania. Holy shit. I
don’t even care. Orton says he doesn’t takes Rhodes
and Dibiase seriously like he does Trips tonight.
Orton says the Triple Threat will break their
alliance, but I would like to point out that only
makes sense when one guy has a title that the others
actually want to have, making that theory entirely
retarded. I’m sure they will still book it that way
as if it makes sense anyway.
Commercial Thought: Are there any places named
I like how they still sell glowsticks
even though DX is not coming out as such anymore.
Orton just stomps the shit out of Trips in the
corner right away. He has to be pulled off and Trips
turns the tables. Orton is crushed into the corner
and Trips follows through with a suplex. Trips
crotch chops and drops a knee for a two count. Orton
manages to dump Trips to the floor, apparently
hurting the arm. Orton goes outside to delivers the
suspended DDT off the steps to the floor as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: I
don’t trust anyone working with a credit union.
Back to the match. First though, I want to know if
part of my viewer’s choice for NCIS, I can just have
them not show that show ever again. Trips is being
put down again as Orton sets up for the RKO in his
retardedly over the top manner. Trips just pushes
him off and delivers a clothesline. They start to
trade punches with Triple H gaining ground of
course. Orton comes back with a kick but off the
rope, Trips hits the high knee. Orton throws him
back against the ropes as if he hasn’t learned his
lesson and takes the face buster too. Trips comes
off the ropes a third time but Orton nails a power
slam for two. They both crawl up and Trips catches
Orton in the middle ropes and drags him into a
pedigree. The pinfall is interrupted by Legacy.
Winner: Triple H
Legacy attacks Trips for no
reason, they could have just let him win first. They
beat Orton down after kicking him from the ring.
Trips eventually recovers and attacks, but is
stomped down by Sheamus. On the outside, Orton takes
a Crossroads and Sheamus taunts on Triple H.
Random Commercial Thought: Can I use the Doritos as
deadly weapons too?
We come back to a Hall of
Fame recap and the induction of Gorgeous George. We
go on to get a run down of the card for Wrestlemania
and Batista makes his entrance. He’s here to destroy
Kofi, who is still torn between being African or
Kofi Kingston vs. WWE Champion
Batista (Non-title Match)
kicks the holy hell out of Kofi for a while. Each
time Kofi tries to kick back, he just gets owned.
Kofi slips free of a power slam and manages to
delivers some kicks. He sends Batista reeling to the
floor, but Batista slams him into the security wall.
Kingston dodges a corner charger, flipping into his
kick. Batista looks enraged as Kingston springboards
off the top rope into what they claim is a
clothesline. Batista is bleeding now as he hoists
Kingston for a Batista Bomb.
The ref and medic start chasing Batista around
desperately trying to get the blood taken care of
before we offend some little children somewhere.
Random Commercial Thought: Vertigo was a pretty good
movie. By Alfred Hitchcock! I c wut u did there.
Back to the show for Pete Rose and Kane from 98 for
the fiftieth time. He’ll be hosting next week. Nope.
Still don’t care. Bret Hart hobbles his way to the
ring followed by Vince McMahon. Stone Cold makes his
way out last and if he’s here to keep the peace, you
have to wonder why he wasn’t there first. Steve gets
heavily censored trying to tell Vince to sit his ass
down. They censor a massive amount of the sentence
for no reason. Steve points out Stu deserves to be
in the Hall of Fame. Austin officially announces Stu
will be inducted anyway and asks if Vince has a
problem with that. Vince says he actually doesn’t.
Vince says that’s okay because the entire Hart
family will be there to see him get his ass kicked
(except that one he killed), and every single Hart
to get in the ring has been a dysfunctional derelict
(except for that one he killed). Vince says if Bret
signs he needs to show or be sued for every penny he
has. Bret doesn’t want a
wrestling match. He
demands a No Holds Barred Match. Which is the same
for a Street Fight. They take their time signing
slowly as possible to waist some more time since we
ran under tonight.
Steve announces the match
is now signed. We have to wonder why if the
stipulation was just now added, that the contract
was already for a No Holds Barred Match. Austin gets
censored for most of his sentence again and goes to
leave. He says he forgot to tell him one thing and
he’ll let Bret tell him himself. Vince turns to see
a cast sitting on the table. Bret says he doesn’t
need these things as someone demands he hit him with
the crutch. Bret reveals he faked his accident to
get Vince to sign. Bret reiterates that if Vince
backs out, he’ll sue him for everything he’s worth.
He knocks Vince out with the cast and leaves.
Highlight of the Night: Triple H and Orton
was a decent match with yet another non-ending that
have been far too popular these past weeks.
Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match. Just.
“Creative” Award: Why do we have to be
subjected to the crushing squashes of otherwise
talented wrestlers? Bourne and Kingston look like
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).