WWE
RAW RANT:
(03/15/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the show that really knows how to book it’s old geezers. By having a bunch of other guys beat their opponents up or them. Of course, the match was Russo booking at its finest and is only going to culminate in a match nobody wants to see ever. Ever. But at least we didn’t see Vince McMahon wrestle.

Raw 03.15.10

I encourage everyone to make up words for the theme song themselves as they go along. It’s far more entertaining and you can make the vocal artist sound like he’s retarded. We get theme and pyro to open the show before learning we are getting three Wrestlemania rematches tonight, Michaels will be against Jericho, Trips will take on Orton and Cena will wrestle Show. We’re then visited by Stone Cold. He doesn’t even look like a man who stabbed a guy in the chest while filming Stalone’s new Expendables movie. There is a massive man at ringside pumping his arms with no sleeves and the flab is flying. He demands a beer for working so hard to walk down the aisle. Austin fires up the crowd pretty well. Someone else in he crowd has a cardboard cut out of Ronald McDonald with movable arms. Austin goes on about Wrestlemania and how important it is before getting around to Hart/McMahon.

Austin finishes with a “Said so” and we’re then joined by Cena. Stone Cold then just leaves to his own theme. But he barely gets halfway down the ramp before we’re interrupted by Big Show. Theme song collisions. I guess we’re just going to have the match right now. No fanfare or nothing.

John Cena vs. The Big Show

Cena dodges some grabs and shots from Show before laying in with a punch but Show blocks and lifts Cena up, tossing him straight over head. It’s kinda like a backwards Electic Chair Drop.

Random Commercial Thought: Kids that wimpy need to be euthanized.

We come back to a chin lock by Big Show before Cena tries to break free. He’s casually thrown to the floor for his effort but when show leans over to drag him back in, he’s hung up on the top rope. Cena is in trying to fire up, but he falls beneath Big Show’s weight while trying to lift him for a two count. Cena is chucked into a corner but dodges Big Show’s splash off the second rope. Cena blocks a corner charge with both feet and kicks the legs out on the second try. Cena comes off the top with his guillotine leg drop and seems to botch it by kicking Show in the side of the head. Cena starts for a Five Knuckle Shuffle but is interrupted by Batista. Cena turns into a choke slam but Cena kicks out. Cena ducks a follow up knock out punch. Cena tries to counter with the FU, but Show slips free by raking the eyes when Batista distracts the ref. Ina actuality they fuck this spot up somehow and it just has Big Show slapping Cena’s hand lightly when
shown on the replay. Show lands the punch and picks up three.
Winner: Show

Random Commercial Thought: It’s like a giant brown tornado.

Bourne is out as we return to get completely annihilated by Sheamus again. Sheamus proceeds to kick him and deliver his MOVE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED. The match never officially starts even though normally matches start as soon as somebody hits somebody else. Glad for that burial. Bourne will be picking worms out of his teeth or weeks. Sheamus talks about how he admired certain people in the WWE and one that stood out was Trips because he was an asshole who hit people with hammers. Everyone admires a man with a hammer.

We see Steve in the back talking to Michaels who asks if he thinks he can beat Taker. Austin says he thinks he an beat him but Taker will win this time. Michaels says he proved everyone wrong when Austin supposedly ended his career. They are soon interrupted by Jericho who reminds Michaels he’s the World Champion and Michaels is not. Michaels threatens to destroy him brutally before leaving. Jericho says the match isn’t really necessary and says they should just go get drunk. They share a laugh and then Austin ships him off to go get his ass beat.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to be buried with Doritos.

We come back to Kelly Kelly. Time to go fix some food if you’re hungry. I’m cooking a pizza. She is facing Maryse whom I have yet to decide whether or not she can wrestle yet because all she ever does is get beat up al match and then do a DDT.

Kelly Kelly vs. Diva’s Champion Maryse (Non-Title Match)

They have a pose off trying to b sexy and Kelly gets attacked from behind. Kelly backflips out of a caught kick and then dropkicks awkwardly. Kelly tackles and attacks her on the ground before she delivers the Fameasser. I’m not joking. Kelly is sent face first into the corner and eats the French Kiss. Yet to determine if she wrestles.
Winner: Maryse

Post-match, Kelly is annihilated at ringside. Gail and Eve come out and save the day with a neck breaker. Layla and Michelle McCool then come out and beat up the faces from behind. Uh. Why? Eve takes out Layla so Michelle and Eve botch a spin kick HORRENDOUSLY that takes two tries. Vickie Guerrero appears to applaud and celebrate. Why does she still have a job?

Random Commercial Thought: I could eat that.

Back to the show where we get a sizable video package about the Taker/Michaels rematch and a sign that I thought said “Steak vs. Career” instead of “Streak”. Jericho and Michaels make their entrances and Michaels go some overly heavy pyro. Must have had extras to burn?

Random Commercial Thought: Why are those kids so tiny in their fantasies?

Back to the show for the match to get started.

Shawn Michaels vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho (Non-Title Match)

Michaels works Jericho over in the corner early on and delivers some knife edged chops. Jericho makes him eat ring post in the shoulder but Michaels comes back with chops and leaps onto Jericho with a Lou Thesz press and some ground and pound. Jericho back body drops Michaels to the floor over the ropes. Back in the ring, Jericho hangs Michaels up on the bottom rope with a monkey flip. Jericho continues to control the match stomping Michaels around and working a chinlock. Michaels breaks free and goes into his typical offense. Jericho counters it with a roll through into the Walls, but Michaels counters with a small package for two. Jericho comes back with a bulldog and signals the lionsault but of course he hits some knees. Michaels lands the elbow drop and tunes up the band. Jericho runs from the kick to the floor. Jericho gets counted out taunting on the ramp.
Winner: Michaels

Edge annihilates Jericho suddenly and beats him back to the ring for a spear.

Random Commercial Thought: Stone Cold is also going to be in another movie where he beats people up. At least it’s straight forward.

Back to the show where we learn Randy will be in Triple Threat match against the rest of Legacy at Wrestlemania. Holy shit. I don’t even care. Orton says he doesn’t takes Rhodes and Dibiase seriously like he does Trips tonight. Orton says the Triple Threat will break their alliance, but I would like to point out that only makes sense when one guy has a title that the others actually want to have, making that theory entirely retarded. I’m sure they will still book it that way as if it makes sense anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: Are there any places named Human?

I like how they still sell glowsticks even though DX is not coming out as such anymore.

Orton just stomps the shit out of Trips in the corner right away. He has to be pulled off and Trips turns the tables. Orton is crushed into the corner and Trips follows through with a suplex. Trips crotch chops and drops a knee for a two count. Orton manages to dump Trips to the floor, apparently hurting the arm. Orton goes outside to delivers the suspended DDT off the steps to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t trust anyone working with a credit union.

Back to the match. First though, I want to know if part of my viewer’s choice for NCIS, I can just have them not show that show ever again. Trips is being put down again as Orton sets up for the RKO in his retardedly over the top manner. Trips just pushes him off and delivers a clothesline. They start to trade punches with Triple H gaining ground of course. Orton comes back with a kick but off the rope, Trips hits the high knee. Orton throws him back against the ropes as if he hasn’t learned his lesson and takes the face buster too. Trips comes off the ropes a third time but Orton nails a power slam for two. They both crawl up and Trips catches Orton in the middle ropes and drags him into a pedigree. The pinfall is interrupted by Legacy.
Winner: Triple H

Legacy attacks Trips for no reason, they could have just let him win first. They beat Orton down after kicking him from the ring. Trips eventually recovers and attacks, but is stomped down by Sheamus. On the outside, Orton takes a Crossroads and Sheamus taunts on Triple H.

Random Commercial Thought: Can I use the Doritos as deadly weapons too?

We come back to a Hall of Fame recap and the induction of Gorgeous George. We go on to get a run down of the card for Wrestlemania and Batista makes his entrance. He’s here to destroy Kofi, who is still torn between being African or Jamaican.

Kofi Kingston vs. WWE Champion Batista (Non-title Match)

Batista just kicks the holy hell out of Kofi for a while. Each time Kofi tries to kick back, he just gets owned. Kofi slips free of a power slam and manages to delivers some kicks. He sends Batista reeling to the floor, but Batista slams him into the security wall. Kingston dodges a corner charger, flipping into his kick. Batista looks enraged as Kingston springboards off the top rope into what they claim is a clothesline. Batista is bleeding now as he hoists Kingston for a Batista Bomb.
Winner: Batista

The ref and medic start chasing Batista around desperately trying to get the blood taken care of before we offend some little children somewhere.

Random Commercial Thought: Vertigo was a pretty good movie. By Alfred Hitchcock! I c wut u did there.

Back to the show for Pete Rose and Kane from 98 for the fiftieth time. He’ll be hosting next week. Nope. Still don’t care. Bret Hart hobbles his way to the ring followed by Vince McMahon. Stone Cold makes his way out last and if he’s here to keep the peace, you have to wonder why he wasn’t there first. Steve gets heavily censored trying to tell Vince to sit his ass down. They censor a massive amount of the sentence for no reason. Steve points out Stu deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Austin officially announces Stu will be inducted anyway and asks if Vince has a problem with that. Vince says he actually doesn’t. Vince says that’s okay because the entire Hart family will be there to see him get his ass kicked (except that one he killed), and every single Hart to get in the ring has been a dysfunctional derelict (except for that one he killed). Vince says if Bret signs he needs to show or be sued for every penny he has. Bret doesn’t want a
wrestling match. He demands a No Holds Barred Match. Which is the same for a Street Fight. They take their time signing slowly as possible to waist some more time since we ran under tonight.

Steve announces the match is now signed. We have to wonder why if the stipulation was just now added, that the contract was already for a No Holds Barred Match. Austin gets censored for most of his sentence again and goes to leave. He says he forgot to tell him one thing and he’ll let Bret tell him himself. Vince turns to see a cast sitting on the table. Bret says he doesn’t need these things as someone demands he hit him with the crutch. Bret reveals he faked his accident to get Vince to sign. Bret reiterates that if Vince backs out, he’ll sue him for everything he’s worth. He knocks Vince out with the cast and leaves.

Highlight of the Night: Triple H and Orton was a decent match with yet another non-ending that have been far too popular these past weeks.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva’s match. Just. Diva’s Match.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why do we have to be subjected to the crushing squashes of otherwise talented wrestlers? Bourne and Kingston look like chumps.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.