WWE RAW RANT
March 14, 2011
Hello, I'm Andariel Halo.
You know my name, and you know what I do, so here I come just to harass you. Because that 90 second main event on a much un-hyped TNA pay per view event was just too many levels of EPIC on such a scale that it must pour over into the next night, REGARDLESS OF THE COMPETENCY/DIFFERENT COMPANY IT IS!
The short story is I had Cameron Burge taken out and shot in the head, so he'll be back next week. The long story is, we are to embark on an investigation of last night's EPIC EVENTS involving the man they call Jeff Harvey--HARDY! starting with the place he started; TNA Monday Night Raw!
Maybe I'll bribe someone else to do this week's TNA recap. And by bribe, I mean take them out and having them shot in the head and killed, or savagely raped by a Belarusian prostitute, even!
We open the show with... THE ROCK....'S PICTURE ON A WALL! Cut away, and it's THE ROCK talking on the phone, with MULTIPLE CAMERA ANGLES! He asks the person on the phone if he was entertained. WAS HE NOT ENTERTAINED?! Did he laugh? No. No one on the planet laughed. Because John Cena stunk. The thing that bothers Maivia the most is that he tries to talk to him like a man, and he acts like a child. Speaking of children, CENA MUSIC HITS TO INTERRUPT! Maivia is not amused.
He says you got a lot of nerve coming to the Rock's house. You wanna say something to the Rock face to face? Here's your final chance! OH MY GOD IT'S JOHN CENA AT HIS HOUSE! He says YOU CAIN'T SEE ME YOU CAIN'T SEE ME! The Rock just sort of sighs, then gets up. Boy, John Cena got short. Real short. Really really short. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, CENA! No "yo", no gang signs, no rapping, you not gangsta, you not from da hood, you talk to The Rock like an adult!
John Cena decides to rap. Boy, he got skinny. And small. And young. In fact, he's turned into a 10 year old boy. The Rock laughs and sits at his office chair, saying it's tiem you had a talk with the PEOPLE'S CHAMPION. He knows Cena took the ball after Rock left and ran with it, as best he could. He became THE MAN starring Eugene Levy and Samuel Jackson in the WWE and HE SUCCEEDED! Look at the cultural impact he's had on the world; Kermit the Frog, Barney the Dinosaur, and now YOU!
Look, John Cena OWNS the 2-5 year olds! Ya they love him! But, this is difficult, do you know why you'll never be as good as the Rock? Little Cena says because I'm not that talented? STOP SHOOTING, MINI-CENA! The Rock says YES now the elephant in the room has gone! Now that that's out of the way, gosh that's a HECKUVALOAD for him to carry. How does that make kiddie feel? He fe-IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL~~!~!@!!
Little John Cena cries. The Rock says you shouldn't be crying, The Rock and all his millions and millions have seen all your movies, and you don't see US crying. He don't have toilet paper for him, but he offers him a John Cena shirt ot blow his nose on. Then he spits on it. The Rock is proud of little John Cena, though, ebcause he's not that talented and he admitted it anyway. Anyway, GIFT TIEM~! he got a gift for little John Cena.
Abra Kadabra, YABBA DABBA! Hustle, Loyalty, Respect, AND Fruity Pebbles? Yes, all that hot garbage, but LOOK! FRED FLINTSTONE ON THE BOX! HIS HERO! WITH VITAMIN G to get muscles like The Rock! You'll never get it like The Rock, but hey! You take these with your no-talented behind and GO ENJOY YOUR FRUITY PEBBLES! GO ENJOY THEM NOW YOU UNTALENTED LITTLE FRUIT LOOP HAHAHA... AAAH...
The Rock... now turns to the camera, with OMG SHOOTY TIME DARKNESS MUSIC! Hello Miz. I want to play a game. We've not been properly introduced. You're Mike the Miz, the so-called most etcetera WWE Champion in history. Well I'm The Rock, the most electrifying man etcetera. Last night on RAW, he made a few statements. First, he knocked out John Cena cold as a block of ice, talk trash about his family, drop the People's Elbow, but he also made ANOTHER statement, and that statement was him clearly wants the Rock to deliver to him the single biggest ass whuppin' of a lifetime.
John Cena, Mike the Miz, we can all agree; the tiem for burying the actual champion in the match is over; it's tiem for stuff. The Rock will bring it LIVE on Monday Night Raw. Don't worry about WHEN, WHERE, show up, don't show up, via satellite, not via satellite, SMACKDOWN, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, RATED T FOR TEEN! The only trhing they should be concerned with is HOW BADLY he doth layeth the smacketh downeth upon both thy candied rear ends. BANG BANG! IT'S VADER TIME!
Backstage, we have Snooki---wait, it's the REAL SNOOKI and not that thing on TNA I see and call Snooki!---complete with Trsih Stratus, who is ALMOST as orange as Snooki.
Speaking of awesome... Michael Coleslaw is here, INSIDE A GLASS BOX! TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM JERRY LAWLYER! That is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Speaking of greatest things I've never seen, it's Mike the Miz! I call him that because Mike Adamle called him that, and Mike Adamle was the greatest commentator in the history of our sport. Also because I'm a talentless hack.
Long-ass series of recaps of the past few weeks, and now TIME FOR MIZ PROMO! Really? YARLY! REALLY? Yes. Really. You know the The Rock's T-shirt says I BRING IT. And he couldn't agree with him more; he do bring it; he brings out of date cathcphrases, he bring bad tattoos, he bring horrific movies, he bring pointless 20 minute diatribes like only a hasbeen can bring! Just like I bring pointless et---
And he has a problem with Mike the Miz insulting his family. He say Rocky and Pitar were both good... but they were NEVER WWE Champion. No one was back then. So that means Mike the Miz is better than both of them and he can say what ever he wants! HOORAY FOR FALLACIES! Ric Flair was never TNA Champion, thus Sting and Jeff Hardy are better than him.
Speaking of making six-year-olds cry, Mike the Miz is going to make Rock cry. He will fucking. Make you. Cry. And unlike The Rock, he's actually beaten the fuck out of John Cena, so HE owns John Cena, not you. People chant YOU SUCK but THAT DOESN'T PHAZE ME! Nothing you people say phazes me. So Rock, week after week after week via television screen, you say that you're gonna bring it and I HOPE THAT YOU DO BRING IT ROCK! HEY, WHO KNOWS, HE MIGHT BRING IT HERE TO SAINT LOUIS!
Haw haw haw haw. But if he do bring it here or any time he bring it, just let it be know that he will be overshadowed by frogface here, THE miz.
But OH NOESZ! iPhone thing! Michael Cole asks kindly for our attention, for he doth hath received an e-mail from Bret Hart. I mean, Raw GM dood. Cole gets out of his box and OH NOESZ JERRY LAWLER gonna stand there and tell him to talk to the hand. HE gonna do it instead, because he is King Lawler I. He tells him to go back home to his cage.
Miz! Seems that tonight the Raw GM is arranging TWO first-time evar matches for himself AND John Cena! You mean an actual wrestling match with wrestling holds and submissions, like when Jesse Ventura wrestled Bob Backlund for FORTY FAIVE MINUTES?
John Cena will face Mexican Drug Cartel Royalty Alberto Del Rio, and Mike the Miz will face... MEGAS KHALIOS! It will be a sight to see, just like everything else in front of you. Michael Coleslaw believes everyone should be fired. Let's start with him, hurrdurr.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: If this Source Code guy is defying his superiors and such, why don't they just cut his ass loose and let him die in the fire and send someone else?
When we return, THIS!
The Miz vs The Great Khali
Miz gets put in a corner and Khali goes and pats his stomach, and people go OOOHH, then THE MIGHTY BRAIN CHOP! CHOPPY CHOPPY! It's like the best BS finisher in Smackdown vs Raw 08. Then... HEAD CLAW SQUEEZE THING! Miz gets to the ropes when OMFG SOME RANDOM GUY STARTS BEATING UP KHALI!
WINNAR BY DQ: The Great Khali
This random stranger whom I've never ever heard of in the ever is apparently some guy called Alex Riley, and he gets slammed down by Khalios, and Miz starts fwapping him with a steel chair. GREAT CAMERA ANGLE catches the whooshy sound of it slamming down and the planky sound of it hitting! Hooray for professionalism!
Mike the Miz then DDT's Khali on the chair, and Cole HOPES John Cena and John Rock are watching so they KNOW that the Miz is capable of doing what the Rock did at 1999 Royal Rumble, only to the ass instead ot he head. Speaking of ass, Khali's ass to the camera, and blood flowing out from a hole in his lower back! CUTTING EDGE EXTREME!
Speaking of which, Michael Cole is going to EXPOSE THE REAL JERRY LAWLER later tonight, and SHOCK THE WORLD by bringing in someone from Lalwer's past. SWERVE! It was all a shoot and Andy Kaufman's back to be special guest referee at Wrestlemania!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Insidious is insidious
Because of all you WWE sock accounts, John Cena now has FIVE MILLION FACEBOOK FRIENDS! The ENTIRE 2-5 YEAR OLD POPULATION!
I'm shocked and confused by this. A video pimping the upcoming WWE pay per view more than three weeks away? What kind of hackneyed bushleague company does this place scoff at and kicks shit in their face while on the fasttrack to money and ratings?
Video package pimping Triple H. SPeaking of pimping Triple H, I had a dream with Triple H in it, and we were put together in a trivia contest thing in school, but instead of finding stuff out, we had to go and do stuff in order to find the answers, and so one of them I got in my car and had to drive to the library, but for some reason chose to go to the library further away downtown and ended up flipping the car off the freeway and crashing it and having it blow up, then GTA style, I returned at a hospitial and walked back to school and Triple H laughed derisively at me, kind of like this:
Speaking of wet panties, JOHN MORRISON! He's talking with Snooki, and holy hell... she looks and sounds like a midget. Vickie Guerrero randomly appears, telling her to STAY AWAY from Dolph Ziggler. Who? Snooki was offered the cover of Rolling Stone? Vickie was offered Playboy! Yeeeeuh boy! Well, says Snooki, it must have been a centerfold because they couldn't fit all that into one page. Bitchsmack gets reversed and Snooki bitchsmacks her. Commercials already?! What an honor!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That commercial sucked
United States Championship Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan (C)
If Shame Us lives up to his name, he'll quit. And likely end up on Smackdown. Neither a very appealing option. Match starts with Shamus squishing on Daniel, but he gets up and tosses him off, only to get shoulderblocke ddown and pin gets 2. Sheamus pops him in the corner some, and Not-Michael Cole asks IS THERE A KING OF THE RING KURSE?! Angle, Edge, Hart, Hart, Austin, etcetera. And then there's Billy. Sheamus gets knocked out of the ring, then Daniel Bryan suicide dives. He tosses him in, and gets to the top rope to jump high and jump dropkick on him. Pin gets 2. The Cole would compare Daniel Bryan to Pee Wee Herman, which just goes to show how BADASS Daniel Bryan is.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Dancing in the streets like that is never a bad idea
We're back live on Raw with a CHINLOCK or as we call it on my TNA recap, a HEADLOCK. During the break, there was actual wrestling, like a tilt a whirl backbreaker by Shame Us on Bryan Daniel. Daniel breaks out of the headlock, only to run into Sheamus's elbow. He hooks Daniel's arms on the rope, BUY THE CHAPERONE, and Sheamus pops his chest a bunch with his wrist and fist on him. Then Sheamus gets on the aporon to run at Daniel and bop his face with his knee and pin gets 2.
Sheamus gets up and picks up Daniel Bryan irish whip, but Daniel kicks his face, and runs at him and Sheamus tries a tilt a whirl backbreaker but Daniel slips out of it, pin gets 2. Sheamus then gets back body dropped out of the ring and OH NOESZ HIS ANKLE! He holds it like it hurts! He gets back in the ring and waves his hand at Daniel to get the referee to distract him. He then OMG goes for his Bicycle Kick, but Daniel Bryan moves aside, and gets his Not-Crippler Crossface on, but Sheamus grabs the bottom rope.
Sheamus pops Daniel Bryan in the stomach, then irish whips him into the turnbuckle, and since he chose POWERHOUSE as his secondary thing on SvR08, or just won that move in SvR09, Daniel Bryan bounces off, and comes into Cheamus's big-ass slam, and pin gets 2. Daniel Bryan now in control again, with lots of kicks to Sheamus, then a kick to his head, and pin gets 2. Daniel Bryan now to the top rope turnbuckle and SUPERFLY pose, then he jumps into Sheamus;'s big-ass fucking kick, and he pinwins. THE CURSE IS OVER, they say. Fuck you, Charles.
WINNAR + NEW CHAMPIONS: Sheamus
But now standing on his chair CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! Michael Cole has no roof on his glass box, and he is going to commit VERBAL REGICIDE And for everyone who's an idiot, that means DESTROY A KING! He will bring out A PERSON, LIVE... next.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Buy The Chaperone. Buy it. Buy it, or Del Rio and The Miz lose at Wrestlemania.
Five Hour Energy presents; last week where Stone Cold Steve Austin beat people up... and apparently he done stole JBL's referee slot at Wrestlemania. Jacked that shit like so many JTGs and Shad Gaspards.
Now live, YOU PEOPLE ENJOYED THAT, DIDN'T YOU? YOu people enjoyed it when he stuck himself into MY main event at Resumania! HUH! He can guarantee everyone that Austin will have a MINIMAL effect at Wrestlemania when Michael Coleslaw beats Jerry Lawler. He knows how defensive he gets when anybody talks about his family. Whether living or dead. But he not gonna talk about his family tonight, because HIS FAMILY IS GONNA TALK ABOUT HIM!
Ladies and Gentlemen, GRAND MASTA SEXAY! Holy fucking fuck, they even play his music and video. Not the wiggly squeaky one from 2000, but the techno-y one from later. He looks like Jeff Jarrett dancing like that in that outfit. Jerry Lawler is disappoint.
Michael Cole welcomes him back to WWE, and he got a question; he gone by many names, Brian Christopher, Grand Master Sexay, but one name he's never used is BRIAN LAWLER, why would that be? Well, quite frankly, he say, because all his life growin' up he never ever felt like he had a father. You and every other wrestler's child. What makes you special, stupid bitch?
While Lawler was traveling the world (all over Tennessee?) he was neglecting ME. See, Lawler never really wanted a child. Some jackasses in the crowd cackle, then one says MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK IN A MIRROR or something of that sort. He didn't want Grand Master taking his spotlight, so when he made it to the WWE, he wouldn't even acknowledge that he were his son!
Lawler says Brian, I am disappoint. He's not the only one who's glad he didn't use the Lawler name. Because you see, you're a bigger screwup than Charlie Sheen. Speaking of which, some asshole behind him shouts WINNING! and just the fact that he would associate with Michael Cole shows everyone what kind of person he really are. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHIN, Jerry, how does it make you feel to know that I competed at Wrestlemania BEFORE YOU DID? Yeah, as part of Too Cool, he was one of the biggest supersars in WWE at one time, in that one dark match gauntlet battle royal. Maybe.
So let me just ask you one more time; how'd that make you feel DADDY? Huh? HUH?! HOW'D IT MAKE YOU FEEL, DADDY?! He touches Jerry and such and is all like YOU GONNA ANSWER ME? Nuh, it just looks like you just gonna sit there aren't you, daddy. Let's get one thing heterosexual; the one reason I never used your name is because I'm ashamed of you. Awww..
Just what Michael Cole thought, YOU don't care about your family! You're nothing but a coward. You're pathetic. You're a loser! Speaking of being a lose---I mean WINNING! it's JIM ROSS! He comes on down looking like he lost some weight.
Michael Cole was apparently wqondering when this moment was gonna come, when he gets booted so JR can invoke Legacy clause and re-claim his position. Or when he would playu John Wayne, or the barbecue business slow down and stop twittering. JR say you think this has gone on enough? Come to your senses, this has gone far enough! Michael Cole says why don't you just go away, it's over you're done, I'M THE VOICE OF THE WWE, MICHAEL COLE IS THE VOICE OF THE WWE NOT JIM ROSS!
Ross have been meaning to talk to him about that; for many many years, he had the privilege and the honor of sitting beside Jerry Lawler and he was lucky enough to be inducted in the hall of fame, and he found out that him or you or anybody sitting there will never be the voice of the WWE because the voices of the WWE are sittin here in the arena and around the world! Lawler's been protecting yew for a long time, been carrying you, like a mother kangaroo carrying you around in its pouch.
But you're not a loveable furry huggable little animal like a kangaroo. No, you're a different kind of animal... you're a varmint, you are, Michael, a rat bastard. People all cheer cos the rat bastard is all red behind the ears and such.
So this is how it gonna be with him walking out into the sunset JR with his tail between his legs and such. JR stops, drops the microphone, takes off his hat, and removes his coat. Boy, you've gotten fat, JR. Then comes the tie. He apparently wants to fight Cole, like an old man wanting to beat up on his deadbeat son at Thanksgiving.
Speaking of deadbeats, JACK SHWIGGER ARRIVES TO RANDOMLY THROW JERRY LAWLER'S HEAD INTO A DESK! Now he approaches the ring and JR is all like a coward now and such.Cole tells him to teach him some respect, and he pops him in the guts with a kick, then SHAMROCK ANKLE LOCK! Made famous byt a guy who was in TNA and was a world champion in TNA, Ken Shamrock.
Jerry Lawler awakens and beats up on Jack some, and then Michael Cole pulls him off, and Jack puts the Shamrock Ankle Lock on him instead. Now, a POINT AT JR! And then Michael Cole with a Shamrock Ankle Lock on JR. I laugh at how JR screams, and says GOD ALMIGHTY! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: There is simply too much porn on this computer
WWE Rewind of that thing with Randy Orton kicking people because of his Intermittent Explosive Diarrhea.
Randy Orton vs Alec Mason Ryan
Michael Cole has returned to his glass box to continue to DO HIS JOB! I still don't see the Batista resemblence beyond vague body figure. And LOCKUP! And they grapple, and Randy Orton in a corner gets hi face pushed on, but then Randy turns it around and punches on Ryan. Then Ryan kicks him in the guts, and punches to the SKULL, but Randall reverses with punches. Irish whip gets reversed by Ryan but Orton clotheslines him. Ryan stays up, and kicks Orton down. Alex Mason Ryan does a frontslam thing and pin gets 2. "Don't think that visions of that punt to the head haven't been running through Punk's skull" SKULL! MICHAEL COLESLAW ALWAYS SAYS SKULL HAHA. GET IT? Speaking of tediousness, RESTHOLD! Mason hugs him, and Randy pushes on his head.
Randy punches his back some, then irish whip into the corner but he boots Mason Ryan's face. Then pose, and gets caught by Ryan in a Rock Bottom thing... but not a Rock Bottom. Pin gets 2. Ryan holds onto Randy's head, then looks around and such, and now hoists Randy, but Randy spins and RKO OUTTA NOWHERE pinwin.
WINNAR: Randal Keith
NO NU-NEXUS can be involved at their Wrasslemania match thing with Randy Keith and CM. The hampster wheels in Randy's head have got to be spinning now! CM Funk lures Randy to him, but Randy sees Batistwo getting up, so CM RUNS down to get him but Randy decides beating up on Mason is better. Then they both get FACE TO FACE on their fists, and Randy wiggs a bit, stomping his fists and looking like he's raping bitches.
We get an EARLIER TONIGHT of Snooki killshitting Vickie Guerrero. Then commercials!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: YOUR HAIRDO IS PISSIN ME OFF
Drew Carey was the greatest Royal Rumble entrant in the history of our sport. Minutes later, Honky Tonk Man was the greatest Royal Rumble entrant in the history of our sport.
But now, Micahel Cole wants to RE-WELCOME us to the Cole Mine tonight, and to relish his MICHAEL COLE ANKLE LOCK! Which he has MASTERED! Much like Jeff Jarrett did.
TNA FLASHBACKS as Snooki wanders around backstage, and Zack Ryder appears like How do you like THIS The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer? Woo WOO woo? She just sort of pats him and says pretty solid and leaves. Then, random medieval fantasy.
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: Comcast is very low quality and incompetent.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest star is a New York Time's best seller SNOOKI! Come down and fistpump with us OH! OH! OH! OH! I almost miss The Taz doing that shit. No I don't. Anyway, Holy fuck she is short. She like a midget. Michael Cole remembers ALL the greatest moments of Snooki on Jersey Shore, because there's totally not anything even remotely better on Thursdays around 9pm to 11pm on a channel like Spike TV. Snooki's here because she wants to support Trish Stratus beating up Vickie Guerrero. Then she leaves. Oh wait, she gonna sit and watch a MATCH!
No Disqualification (like last night's TNA Victory Road main event!) Vickie Guerrero vs Trish Stratus
But first of all, Vickie threatens Snooki! She also had her own Rolling Stones covershoot coming out which Snooki jacked like a Cryme Tyme member. Vickie starts with some warmup exercises! Trish schoolboys her for pin gets 2. Vickie runs at Trish like to kick her, but Trish stops her, and grabs at her, and Vickie flees and gets one of her shoes taken off. Now she gets chased around, and Vickie clasps her shoe, like she gonna use that to pop her one. She chucks it and Trish ducks. Now the OTHER shoe! Instead, she gets kicked in the womb, and Trish steps on her head, holding the shoe and using it to fwap Vickie's butt.
Wild Dolph Ziggler attack! Then a wilder John Morrison attacks ZIggler! And does his spinny over-the-rope jump thing on Ziggler while dressed in his leather jacket and such. Then, LayCool come to beat up Trish Stratus, and Vickie Guerrero pinwins.
WINNAR: Vickie Guerrero
What better way to celebrate that win than PICTURES?! Vickie and Layla pose for picture whihc Michelle takes, then lots of jumping and celebrating! Then, Michelle McCool sits ont he apron and stares at Snooki. Then some trashtalking the tiny midget. She glares up at her, and McCool shoves her in a chair, but she goes and grtabs Michelle, dragging her off the apron. Then she goes in the ring, and pounces on Layla AAAA GET IT OFF HER!
But Vickie is not done! How about, we do a random Divas and Manly Man match at Wrestlemania with LayCool and Dolph Ziggler vs John Morrison and Trish Stratus and Snooki?! They agree, and I cry. Because it's just TOO MUCH WICKED AHSOME!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: That "Fairly Legal" woman looks very average
Now, we pimp the Wrestlemania again! We get Shawn Michaels talking about the Undertaker and such. By this time, it'd be show over for me, and I'm tired and crazy and a mean bitch, but instead MAIN EVENT!
Alberto Del Rio w/ A fat piece of shit vs John Cena
This fat piece of shit is called Brodus Clay. I know this because it's on his shirt. Good God, he is fat. Don't lie, Micahel Cole, you know this isn't an important match for either of them. NOW TIME FOR THE MATCH TO BEGIN AND OH GOD IT STARTS WITH A LOCKUP! Then a knee to Cena's stomach, and Del Rio tries to keep Cena down with his grapples, then headlock, and headlock takedown, and headlock on the ground! More headlocks, and Michael Cole announces THE ROCK IS HERE TONIGHT IN ST LOUIS! People start cheering loudly as Cena offenses on Del Rio some. ROCK'S HERE! ROCK'S HERE!
Random Commercial-area Thoughts: What if there was a drug that made you rich and powerful? It's called Rophynol
We're back live in mid-match, and Del Rio dropkicks Cena and pin gets 2. And HOW impressive has Alberto Del Rio been to the viewing of no one except the people in the arena? HEADLOCK on Cena! Lots of kiddies chant LET'S GO CENA and lots of Manly Men chant CENA SUCKS! Cena counters the headlock and slams them both down and they're both down and boy the count to 10 is fast as hell. Del Rio dropkicks him back down and they're both down again.
They slowly get back up and do that whole I GIEF A PUNCH YOO GIEF A PUNCH routine. But then Cena KICKS him. So he kicks him back. Then Cena punches him up, ducks a clothesline attempt, and starts doing VINTAGE CENA---meek shoves as he bounces off the ropes. Cena then does his Masturbation knuckle shuffle, and tries to do an Alcoholics Anonymous but BRODUS CLAY sludges in andshoves Cena.
WINNAR: John Cena
They beat up on Cena some, and THE ROCK music hit! ROCK coems out to the ... EXCITEMENT OF MILLIONS! Boy, Rock, you got white. And you lost your tattoos. Still, who cares? THE BLOCK! Cena beats up on Broduc Clay and such, and Cena DARES to pop The Rock in the face?! Fugg kew and yer goat.
Caucasian Rock then does a ROCK BOTTOM on him, and boy he looks an awful lot like Mike the Miz. Alberto Del Rio runs at Cena and clopps his head with a kick thing enzuigiri thing. Brodus Fat then with a Fallaway Slam and Cena rolls out of the ring. Mike the Rock poses to the amusement of a few dozen people tucked in the upper seats. Suddenly THE ROCK rips his scalp off! And he has hair underneath! Oh MY GOD, IT'S THE MIZ! I WAS TOTALLY TAKEN IN! He VICIOUSLY assaulting Cena.
Then on the microphone he gets, and says How's your road to Wrestlemania, Cena? then pops him in the face with the microphone. Cena, I've owned you the last three weeks. And I will own you for the next three all the way to Wrestlemania. Another pop to Cena with the microphone and he falls on the foot of the ramp. Nice of Mike the Miz to buy a new Rock "I BRING IT" t-shirt! Thanks for your support! He then picks up Cena and backs on the ramp, and gets a suplex on him on the ramp. Miz stalks him up the ramp some, and just when ytou started to forget, Cena Cena's up and tries to AA, but Mike the Miz slips out, and DDT's his head on the floor.
Mike the Miz taunts Cena all like get up hurrdurr you want more? Then he runs and slams him into the SPINNY WWE LOGO at top of the ramp. Cena slumps on it and starts moving around, and Mike the Miz bends over him, looking like I do when I be a Velociraptor, and slams Cena's head into the metal thing again in what I assume is his shitty finishing move that is not the Rock Bottom or Starship Pain. Show over.
TNA YAY: It took me only 2 and a half hours to do this recap live! As opposed to the 17 hours it takes me to do the TNA iMPACT one!
TNA BOO: Only three or four matches tonight? What a feast! Also, that thing with Brian Christopher was boring.
TNA WTF: Michael Cole in a glass box. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS NOT DONE MORE OFTEN? I must see more zany antics.
Go play on my fucking Twitter Captain Halo Feedback if you fucking want: email@example.com
Andariel Halo is a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. She can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. She translates ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, Andy once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. Children trust her. She knows the exact location of every dairy item in the supermarket. She has performed covert operations for the CIA. She's in bed every day, but sleeps once a week, OH! The laws of physics do not apply to her. One time, she shot her friend in the back of the head with a BB gun, and placed all blame on him.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).