Tonight’s Raw features the
match everyone has been waiting for in John Cena
against Vince McMahon. And by everyone, I mean,
absolutely no one in the history of ever. Tonight’s
show is hosted by Chris Angel the MINDFREAK (all
caps), and will thus probably feature lots of lame
magic. Just like his show.
The show opens with the
Undertaker making an entrance and it only took him
about three minutes to finish it this time instead
of something like five. How kind of him to rush.
Taker seems to have forgotten to practice his lines
for tonight as he stumbles over his speech about
Michaels being obsessed, but he is doomed to lose
anyway. I just noticed Taker has more burst blood
vessels in his nose than a wino. Taker is eventually
interrupted by Michaels’ music as he stalks out in
another gay cowboy shirt. Michaels talks about how
he’s better now because he realized the Undertaker
fears him. Shawn says Taker was trying to intimidate
him into not taking the bate by putting his career
on the line. He furthermore wants to make sure he
doesn’t win cheaply so he want’s a No DQ match.
Taker agrees and they trade quips for a bit before
we get a commercial.
Back to the show and right
into a match…diva’s tag match, don’t get too
Kelly & Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox & Katie
Lea Burchill & Diva’s Champion Maryse
Alicia starts off with Gail and works a head
scissors until Gail is tossed to the apron. She
hit’s a guillotine…with her crotch, through the
middle rope on Alicia. Back in the ring. Katie Lea
is clotheslined for a distraction so Alicia nails a
boot to the face for two. Maryse tags in and slaps
Kelly off the apron. Eve tags in after Gail slaps
Maryse for taunting her. She is revealed to be a
Rubik’s cube expert in case you care, I know you
don’t, while she delivers dropkicks. Eve has to put
a senton on Maryse for two so all the divas spill
into the ring. Eve is rammed into the corner, but
Katie and Alicia are tackled to the floor by Gail
and Kelly. Maryse puts Eve on the top but she comes
off the top with an awkward roll into an arm bar
that looks like Maryse put a move on herself. This
gets a surprising win.
are threatened further with a Triple H/Sheamus match
at Wrestlemania before we go the back for Angel and
Hornswoggle. The Bellas show up to ask to be
assistants. He tells them I doesn’t use twins for
his acts. He then pulls a string through his eye.
This goes on too long and is a stunt that is quite
horribly unimpressive these days. Jillian then
appears to apply as an assistant and to sing his
entrance. He then magically takes her voice away.
That’s a bit more handy than pulling string out of
your eye. Showmiz are shown walking through the back
as we go to commercial.
Thought: In other news, DC comics murders children
and rips off arms, all on the same poor character.
Back to the show where Miz is out
complaining about how much the teams they have to
face suck. He says he would rather wrestle the
Bushwackers. Morrison enters in his badass slow
motion, but I think it’s funny how R Truth’s
entrance is playing while he’s still moving like
this. I didn’t know Truth’s entrance was that lame.
I should watch Smackdown more. So, uh, what’s up?
Cole goes over some of their possible team names,
involving Black Magic and the White Shadow. I like
& Morrison vs. Unified Tag Team Champion ShowMiz
Truth attacks Show,
sending him to the floor and they drag in Miz to
attack him as well. They annihlate Miz on the floor
and then Show makes the save to a DQ. REALLY?!
They send Show
into the ring post then slam Miz onto the security
wall to put him down. Morrison says they just showed
how real they are and are going to put them down at
Random Commercial Thought:
Final Fantasy 13 looks like crap even to FF fans.
Back to the show. We get a video recap of the feud
between Cena and Batista and Cena is then
interviewed in the back about it. He says he hasn’t
beaten Batista and guesses it’s true he hasn’t done
so well in the past. He says he’s counting on
Batista interfering in his match with McMahon.
Elsewhere, Bourne is thanking Angel for a match and
Regal’s NXT rookie is there being a southern yokel.
Regal chases Bourne off and then does a mind trick.
Apparently there was a bet that Regal would buy his
body a Travis Trent CD is he got
MIIIIIIINDFREEEAAAKED. And he did.
We now get
a replay of the incident between Legacy and Orton in
the Chamber before Legacy make their way out for a
handicap match. Orton attacks them from behind to
put them on defensive as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Iron-Man 2 is pretty much
my most anticipated movie this year, but Kick-Ass
might tide me over.
Back to the show, match
Legacy vs. Randy Orton (Handicap Tag Match)
Cody is in the ring getting his ass handed to him
pretty handily. He runs away to the corner and makes
the tag back to Ted. Ted tries to lay into Orton but
he power back and sends Dibiase running to the
corner as well. Legacy talks shop in the corner and
Rhodes tags back in. Orton kicks his legs out and
Rhodes only fights back with an elbow out of the
corner. The ref is distracted by Rhodes while
Dibiase hits Orton down. They pummel Orton down in
the corner and another distraction for Dibaise to
choke him out. Rhodes gets back body dropped to the
floor by Orton and Dibiase tries to get him from
behind but Orton whirls on Dibiase running him
off…and we go back to commercial, come on guys…
Random Commercial Thought: No one is out of my
Back to the match. Orton is fighting
his way out of the corner right now, winding up on
Rhodes and knocking Dibiase off the apron. Rhodes
leaps over Orton in the corner but he whirls into a
clothesline to put Rhodes down. The crowd chants for
an RKO but Rhodes delivers a cheap shot. Orton
is sent to the floor but he takes out Dibiase only
for Ted to pull him back off the apron. Rhodes joins
them outside for more assaulting before rolling
Orton back into the ring. Big crowd pop for Orton
again as an absolutely ENORMOUS logo for NXT devours
much of the screen. Dibiase tags in now and works a
classic chinlock. I guess Orton really did teach
them everything he knows now. Kicks and chinlocks?
Check. Vapid personality? Check. Generic appearance?
Check. Dibiase picks up a two count with a
Rhodes makes the tag in and puts
Orton back down for two again. Rhodes hands Orton on
the top rope and delivers a low kick. Back to the
corner for another tag and some double teaming.
Dibiase works a choke hold and distracts the ref for
more choking from Rhodes. Hilariously the ref has
already turned his attention completely back toward
it by then and casually looks away again making him
look like a complete douche. Orton powers out of the
corner and delivers power slams to Dibiase and
Rhodes. He pummels Dibiase in the corner and puts
him down with the inverted backbreaker. Orton stares
at the Wrestlemania sign before signaling an RKO.
Rhodes I in too only to be kicked to the floor.
Dibiase comes from behind them with Dream Street.
Post-match, Rhodes delivers
his own finisher on Orton and they mock Orton’s
beach ball carrying taunt together. In the back,
Batista swears he will not get involved in the match
tonight and wishes John good luck. Triple H is
moving through the back toward the ring now before
learn that Stone Cold will host next week.
Random Commercial Thought: Unrelated but the Oscars
was a bit weird to me. I hadn’t even heard of The
Hurt Locker before.
Back to the show. Triple
H talks about how badly he owned Sheamus in the
Chamber, which is why he respects Sheamus for making
a statement last week. Sheamus comes out all pissed
but Trips says he knows where Sheamus is coming
from. He makes a vague reference to getting crushed
by the Ultimate Warrior for being an over-eager
rookie once himself. He says he’s crawled to the top
to be a Wrestlemania benchmark now. He insinuates
Sheamus won’t be able to pull off a victory and
Sheamus attacks. Trips beats Sheamus down to the
floor but Sheamus turns the tide. Trips ducks the
pump kick they fall over the wall together. Sheamus
makes a run for it and Trips tackles him down.
Sheamus slams him into the announce table but back
in the ring he eats a spine buster. Sheamus takes a
In the back, Santino does a bit about
all famous magicians being Italian or something and
then Angel plays a cup trick with him. Glad this
wasn’t a waste of my damn time. Oh wait.
Random Commercial Thought: I already miss those
commercials about foot long sandwiches.
to the show for another NXT rookie whose name I have
yet to bother and learn and Christian. He’s going to
commentate on this next match between Bourne and
Regal who brought his own rookie with him.
Evan Bourne vs. William Regal (MitB Qualifier Match)
Regal grabs Bourne and immediately beats him into
the corner. The ref separates and Regal takes a few
kicks before slamming Bourne back down and
delivering a chicken wing side toss. Regal continues
to show off why he’s still so fucking entertaining
before Bourne nails him in the face with a flying
knee and delivers Air Bourne out of nowhere for the
The line up for the
match is looking pretty awesome. We get a video
package about Michael and Undertaker again before
going to commercial.
Thought: Tiny hands must make it look like you’re
HUGE when Master-… on second thought let’s not go
Back to the show where we get a
Wrestlemania 20 moment of Stone Cold giving a
stunner to both Lesnar and Goldberg in succession
after one of the worst matches either one of them
ever had. We get a rundown for the Wrestlemania card
afterward. I’m so unexcited for Sheamus vs. Trips.
Then, as if we haven’t recapped enough yet, we get a
video recap of Vince/Hart before seeing him walking
through the back to his match.
Commercial Thought: How is babby formed? How gurl
Back to the show where…we have
another video package, this one an ad for the new
Shawn Michaels DVD. Angel then makes his way to the
ring and is claimed “Magician of the Century” which
is stupid. But I guess everyone has to be good at
something. Like pulling string out of their
goddamned eyes. And wear your hat straight, asshole!
I can only assume he made his pyro appear with magic
powers and not pre-planted explosives.. He’s going
to introduce our main event. He asks us if we want
to see it….no. No I do not. Cena is presented first
but Vince arrives soon after with a microphone in
order to ass-pull the real match. He says he will
pin Cena for three and reveals it’s a handicap
Guantlet Match now. It starts with Vladimir Kozlov.
John Cena vs. Vince McMahon & Pals
Vlad takes a few early shots but power slams Cena
and starts dominating. Vince gets the tag and stalks
the laid out Cena, covering for a two count. Vince
calls out the next guy who is Drew Macintyre,
however that is spelled. He pounds on Cena and slams
him face first into the ground. Vince tags back in
and picks up the two count again. Jack Swagger comes
out next and starts pounding Cena as we go to
commercial. How the hell does this match even work?
It’s like Russo booked it.
Thought: NXT has less than a year.
the show where Cena delivers a Five Knuckle Shuffle
to Swagger. Swagger recovers with a suplex and slams
Cena into the corner. Vince wants a tag but Swagger
puts a corner splash on first and keeps asking for
one more move. He delivers a second corner splash
and then tags. Vince covers for the two count yet
again. Pissed, Vince covers again for another two.
Now we get Mark Henry who isn’t even a heel!
Supposedly we just now learn he’s friends with Cena.
Vince goads him on and Henry puts Cena back down
with the Strongest Slam. Vince gets his tag and
still only gets two. Vince grabs a mic and ring bell
and says it is now no DQ. Henry tries to dissuade
Vince so Vinnie tells him to do it instead. Henry
refuses and gets speared by Batista. Heeey, Batista
lied! I’m shocked! Shocked I say! Kofi Kingston
suddenly comes to the save as we are told by Cole
again that randomly someone is Cena’s friend. He
leap son Batista in the corner and eats a
Cena finally fights back up now and
pummels Batista, putting him down with a
clothesline. Vince tries to hide the ring bell
behind his back and tosses it outside of the ring.
Cena goes for an FU but Batista spears him. Batista
prevents a cover and delivers the Batista bomb
first. Vince finally covers for the three. No bell
ring of course.
Winner: Vince McMahon & Pals
Batista taunts over Cena’s body as the show goes off
Highlight of the Night:
Triple H’s speech to Sheamus was probably the only
thing to really get out of this program.
Lowlight of the Night:
Non-match for the tag team division. Why was that
even a match instead of a promo?
WWE “Creative” Award: A Main Event should
be a Main Event, not a clusterfuck.
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).