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By Cameron Burge

Tonight’s Raw features the match everyone has been waiting for in John Cena against Vince McMahon. And by everyone, I mean, absolutely no one in the history of ever. Tonight’s show is hosted by Chris Angel the MINDFREAK (all caps), and will thus probably feature lots of lame magic. Just like his show.

Raw 03.08.10

The show opens with the Undertaker making an entrance and it only took him about three minutes to finish it this time instead of something like five. How kind of him to rush. Taker seems to have forgotten to practice his lines for tonight as he stumbles over his speech about Michaels being obsessed, but he is doomed to lose anyway. I just noticed Taker has more burst blood vessels in his nose than a wino. Taker is eventually interrupted by Michaels’ music as he stalks out in another gay cowboy shirt. Michaels talks about how he’s better now because he realized the Undertaker fears him. Shawn says Taker was trying to intimidate him into not taking the bate by putting his career on the line. He furthermore wants to make sure he doesn’t win cheaply so he want’s a No DQ match. Taker agrees and they trade quips for a bit before we get a commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: ….wut?

Back to the show and right into a match…diva’s tag match, don’t get too excited.

Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox & Katie Lea Burchill & Diva’s Champion Maryse

Alicia starts off with Gail and works a head scissors until Gail is tossed to the apron. She hit’s a guillotine…with her crotch, through the middle rope on Alicia. Back in the ring. Katie Lea is clotheslined for a distraction so Alicia nails a boot to the face for two. Maryse tags in and slaps Kelly off the apron. Eve tags in after Gail slaps Maryse for taunting her. She is revealed to be a Rubik’s cube expert in case you care, I know you don’t, while she delivers dropkicks. Eve has to put a senton on Maryse for two so all the divas spill into the ring. Eve is rammed into the corner, but Katie and Alicia are tackled to the floor by Gail and Kelly. Maryse puts Eve on the top but she comes off the top with an awkward roll into an arm bar that looks like Maryse put a move on herself. This gets a surprising win.
Winners: Faces

We are threatened further with a Triple H/Sheamus match at Wrestlemania before we go the back for Angel and Hornswoggle. The Bellas show up to ask to be assistants. He tells them I doesn’t use twins for his acts. He then pulls a string through his eye. This goes on too long and is a stunt that is quite horribly unimpressive these days. Jillian then appears to apply as an assistant and to sing his entrance. He then magically takes her voice away. That’s a bit more handy than pulling string out of your eye. Showmiz are shown walking through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In other news, DC comics murders children and rips off arms, all on the same poor character. Um, yay?

Back to the show where Miz is out complaining about how much the teams they have to face suck. He says he would rather wrestle the Bushwackers. Morrison enters in his badass slow motion, but I think it’s funny how R Truth’s entrance is playing while he’s still moving like this. I didn’t know Truth’s entrance was that lame. I should watch Smackdown more. So, uh, what’s up? Cole goes over some of their possible team names, involving Black Magic and the White Shadow. I like that one.

R-Truth & Morrison vs. Unified Tag Team Champion ShowMiz (Non-title Match)

Truth attacks Show, sending him to the floor and they drag in Miz to attack him as well. They annihlate Miz on the floor and then Show makes the save to a DQ. REALLY?! REALLY?!
Winner: ShowMiz

They send Show into the ring post then slam Miz onto the security wall to put him down. Morrison says they just showed how real they are and are going to put them down at Wrestlemania.

Random Commercial Thought: Final Fantasy 13 looks like crap even to FF fans.

Back to the show. We get a video recap of the feud between Cena and Batista and Cena is then interviewed in the back about it. He says he hasn’t beaten Batista and guesses it’s true he hasn’t done so well in the past. He says he’s counting on Batista interfering in his match with McMahon. Elsewhere, Bourne is thanking Angel for a match and Regal’s NXT rookie is there being a southern yokel. Regal chases Bourne off and then does a mind trick. Apparently there was a bet that Regal would buy his body a Travis Trent CD is he got MIIIIIIINDFREEEAAAKED. And he did.

We now get a replay of the incident between Legacy and Orton in the Chamber before Legacy make their way out for a handicap match. Orton attacks them from behind to put them on defensive as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Iron-Man 2 is pretty much my most anticipated movie this year, but Kick-Ass might tide me over.

Back to the show, match in progress.

Legacy vs. Randy Orton (Handicap Tag Match)

Cody is in the ring getting his ass handed to him pretty handily. He runs away to the corner and makes the tag back to Ted. Ted tries to lay into Orton but he power back and sends Dibiase running to the corner as well. Legacy talks shop in the corner and Rhodes tags back in. Orton kicks his legs out and Rhodes only fights back with an elbow out of the corner. The ref is distracted by Rhodes while Dibiase hits Orton down. They pummel Orton down in the corner and another distraction for Dibaise to choke him out. Rhodes gets back body dropped to the floor by Orton and Dibiase tries to get him from behind but Orton whirls on Dibiase running him off…and we go back to commercial, come on guys…

Random Commercial Thought: No one is out of my league.

Back to the match. Orton is fighting his way out of the corner right now, winding up on Rhodes and knocking Dibiase off the apron. Rhodes leaps over Orton in the corner but he whirls into a clothesline to put Rhodes down. The crowd chants for an RKO but  Rhodes delivers a cheap shot. Orton is sent to the floor but he takes out Dibiase only for Ted to pull him back off the apron. Rhodes joins them outside for more assaulting before rolling Orton back into the ring. Big crowd pop for Orton again as an absolutely ENORMOUS logo for NXT devours much of the screen. Dibiase tags in now and works a classic chinlock. I guess Orton really did teach them everything he knows now. Kicks and chinlocks? Check. Vapid personality? Check. Generic appearance? Check. Dibiase picks up a two count with a clothesline.

Rhodes makes the tag in and puts Orton back down for two again. Rhodes hands Orton on the top rope and delivers a low kick. Back to the corner for another tag and some double teaming. Dibiase works a choke hold and distracts the ref for more choking from Rhodes. Hilariously the ref has already turned his attention completely back toward it by then and casually looks away again making him look like a complete douche. Orton powers out of the corner and delivers power slams to Dibiase and Rhodes. He pummels Dibiase in the corner and puts him down with the inverted backbreaker. Orton stares at the Wrestlemania sign before signaling an RKO. Rhodes I in too only to be kicked to the floor. Dibiase comes from behind them with Dream Street.
Winners: Legacy

Post-match, Rhodes delivers his own finisher on Orton and they mock Orton’s beach ball carrying taunt together. In the back, Batista swears he will not get involved in the match tonight and wishes John good luck. Triple H is moving through the back toward the ring now before learn that Stone Cold will host next week.

Random Commercial Thought: Unrelated but the Oscars was a bit weird to me. I hadn’t even heard of The Hurt Locker before.

Back to the show. Triple H talks about how badly he owned Sheamus in the Chamber, which is why he respects Sheamus for making a statement last week. Sheamus comes out all pissed but Trips says he knows where Sheamus is coming from. He makes a vague reference to getting crushed by the Ultimate Warrior for being an over-eager rookie once himself. He says he’s crawled to the top to be a Wrestlemania benchmark now. He insinuates Sheamus won’t be able to pull off a victory and Sheamus attacks. Trips beats Sheamus down to the floor but Sheamus turns the tide. Trips ducks the pump kick they fall over the wall together. Sheamus makes a run for it and Trips tackles him down. Sheamus slams him into the announce table but back in the ring he eats a spine buster. Sheamus takes a hike.

In the back, Santino does a bit about all famous magicians being Italian or something and then Angel plays a cup trick with him. Glad this wasn’t a waste of my damn time. Oh wait.

Random Commercial Thought: I already miss those commercials about foot long sandwiches.

Back to the show for another NXT rookie whose name I have yet to bother and learn and Christian. He’s going to commentate on this next match between Bourne and Regal who brought his own rookie with him.

Evan Bourne vs. William Regal (MitB Qualifier Match)

Regal grabs Bourne and immediately beats him into the corner. The ref separates and Regal takes a few kicks before slamming Bourne back down and delivering a chicken wing side toss. Regal continues to show off why he’s still so fucking entertaining before Bourne nails him in the face with a flying knee and delivers Air Bourne out of nowhere for the win.
Winner: Bourne

The line up for the match is looking pretty awesome. We get a video package about Michael and Undertaker again before going to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Tiny hands must make it look like you’re HUGE when Master-… on second thought let’s not go there.

Back to the show where we get a Wrestlemania 20 moment of Stone Cold giving a stunner to both Lesnar and Goldberg in succession after one of the worst matches either one of them ever had. We get a rundown for the Wrestlemania card afterward. I’m so unexcited for Sheamus vs. Trips. Then, as if we haven’t recapped enough yet, we get a video recap of Vince/Hart before seeing him walking through the back to his match.

Random Commercial Thought: How is babby formed? How gurl get pregnant?

Back to the show where…we have another video package, this one an ad for the new Shawn Michaels DVD. Angel then makes his way to the ring and is claimed “Magician of the Century” which is stupid. But I guess everyone has to be good at something. Like pulling string out of their goddamned eyes. And wear your hat straight, asshole! I can only assume he made his pyro appear with magic powers and not pre-planted explosives.. He’s going to introduce our main event. He asks us if we want to see it….no. No I do not. Cena is presented first but Vince arrives soon after with a microphone in order to ass-pull the real match. He says he will pin Cena for three and reveals it’s a handicap Guantlet Match now. It starts with Vladimir Kozlov.

John Cena vs. Vince McMahon & Pals

Vlad takes a few early shots but power slams Cena and starts dominating. Vince gets the tag and stalks the laid out Cena, covering for a two count. Vince calls out the next guy who is Drew Macintyre, however that is spelled. He pounds on Cena and slams him face first into the ground. Vince tags back in and picks up the two count again. Jack Swagger comes out next and starts pounding Cena as we go to commercial. How the hell does this match even work? It’s like Russo booked it.

Random Commercial Thought: NXT has less than a year.

Back to the show where Cena delivers a Five Knuckle Shuffle to Swagger. Swagger recovers with a suplex and slams Cena into the corner. Vince wants a tag but Swagger puts a corner splash on first and keeps asking for one more move. He delivers a second corner splash and then tags. Vince covers for the two count yet again. Pissed, Vince covers again for another two. Now we get Mark Henry who isn’t even a heel! Supposedly we just now learn he’s friends with Cena. Vince goads him on and Henry puts Cena back down with the Strongest Slam. Vince gets his tag and still only gets two. Vince grabs a mic and ring bell and says it is now no DQ. Henry tries to dissuade Vince so Vinnie tells him to do it instead. Henry refuses and gets speared by Batista. Heeey, Batista lied! I’m shocked! Shocked I say! Kofi Kingston suddenly comes to the save as we are told by Cole again that randomly someone is Cena’s friend. He leap son Batista in the corner and eats a
 power bomb.

Cena finally fights back up now and pummels Batista, putting him down with a clothesline. Vince tries to hide the ring bell behind his back and tosses it outside of the ring. Cena goes for an FU but Batista spears him. Batista prevents a cover and delivers the Batista bomb first. Vince finally covers for the three. No bell ring of course.
Winner: Vince McMahon & Pals

Batista taunts over Cena’s body as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Triple H’s speech to Sheamus was probably the only thing to really get out of this program.

Lowlight of the Night: Non-match for the tag team division. Why was that even a match instead of a promo?

WWE “Creative” Award: A Main Event should be a Main Event, not a clusterfuck.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).