WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

March 7, 2011

Welcome back. So I watched an episode of Impact all the way through this past week. I was begging my friend twenty minutes in to change the fucking channel before I tore my own throat out with my bare hands. Also…Raw.

Raw 03.07.11

Show opens with a video package of Triple H from last week before we get Undertaker….coming out to a country song. Specifically, Johnny Cash’s “Ain’t No Grave” which is appropriate for the character but makes for an awkward entrance theme. It’s just somewhat surreal to hear some Cash on WWE. Cole and Matthews are working the mics tonight. Supposedly, Cole is going to reveal his special ref tonight, but my money is on it being the mystery GM who may or may not be revealed yet. Maybe I’m just hopeful that will finally fucking end.

Taker says there can only be one (heeeeere we aware boor to be kings!)…last outlaw. Which is a stupid phrase. He says some think he’s too old to still defeat Trips, or that Trips is just that badass to beat him. He plays a video package about his own badassery before finishing this up by saying there will be no Dqs, count outs….or rules. Uh….you need rules for it to be a match. He says it will be a No Holds Barred match. Ooo, he said he will die if he loses and Trips might die trying. He said the D word! More Cash.

Hype for Stone Cole Stone Cole Stone Cold….now a reality show host. Makes it sound a little less awesome. Backstage, we suddenly see Orton fighting off all of Nexus by himself in what is the most hilariously badly scripted backstage fight I have seen in a while. Why was he girly slapping people? Eventually they get the advantage and beat him down. Punk is mad that Orton put two people on the shelf, but where they plan to put Orton is much worse. Orton punches him for this so Punk slams his head into a trailer multiple times and goes for a GTS….which hilarious the announcers are like “OMG no!” as if his knee is worse than the fucking steel trailer. Punk orders his goons to drag Orton to the ring as we are dragged to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: We need a movie that is nothing but a picture of a butt for two hours. Might as well.

Orton is getting beaten in the ring as Otunga is demanding his match with Orton be started now, continuing the series from last week. Orton agrees to go on like an idiot.

Randy Orton vs. David Otunga

Otunga destroys Orton in the corner and beats him around, stomping on Orton and delivering a slingshot elbow drop from the ropes for two. Otunga tries to get another two count and points to the Wrestlemania sign before delivering a shitty spine buster for two. Orton then of course delivers an RKO out of nowhere because selling is for pussies and gets the three.

Winner: Orton

Mason Ryan comes out and destroys Orton with a running kick before dragging him up….and selling is for pussies. RKO. Orton leaps to life suddenly and scares off Punk who tries to come in because steel trailers don’t do shit to him. Orton now sets up for a punt on Otunga. Punk runs to go drag Otunga out of the ring, but isn’t in time to stop it.

Cole runs some footage of Swagger destroying Orton while he talks some shit and hypes up his special ref while delivering his…evil Cole laugh.

Random Commercial Thought: I never knew Airplane had a racist basketball scene in it.

Back to the show where we get a replay of last week’s cage match. We then have a special twitter message from Miz that I missed because I was cooking pasta. Now off to a Christian Del Rio match….who is that fat fuck with the Mohawk? Rio says he will take on Christian later, but first he must beat Clay.

Brodus Clay w/ Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

Brodus runs Christian over who tries to come back with a flip over into the Killswitch. Brodus just elbows out of it and levels Christian, working him over the ropes. Brodus charges Christian down, showing his entire moveset seems to be Mabel’s with just half the weight. Why exactly does Cole hate Christian again? Does he have a storyline reason? Anyway, Brodus works an arm bar and does a gut wrench back toss. Christian dodges a running splash and hit’s a missile dropkick, multiple times to take Clay down for two. Brodus runs Christian over again for two and hoists him like a javelin, but Christian slips free and cause shim to miss a corner charge for a tornado DDT for the three.

Winner: Christian

Rio attacks Christian immediately following and beats him down. Christian tries to fight back, but gets caught in the rolling cross arm breaker. Hype for Cena’s next response to Rock tonight in which they mention more Twitter. What is this, Dixie Carter? More hype for Austin too.

Random Commercial Thought: Orton took a shit on that table.

Back to the show where Sunny is inducted into the Hall of Fame. Speaking of useless divisions, here is Eve Torres to defend her title against a Bella as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Superbad with a CG alien?

Back to the show. Again. Maybe we’ll stay for more than a few seconds this time. This return comes complete with a replay of the Diva Battle royal last week. It had almost the entire thing, that “match” was so short.

Diva’s Champion Eve Torres w/ Gail Kim vs. Nikki Bella w/ Brie Bella (Diva’s Title Match)

You can tell they are evil because they wear goth colors now. This match starts off terribly with Nikki being pushed off in an awkward trip and both divas stumbling about. Eve slams her into the turnbuckle repeatedly by the hair. Even delivers a shitty clothesline that was in such slow motion you would have thought Scott Steiner delivered it. Eve gets two. Nikki turns the tables and chokes Eve out on the rope, kicking her in the back of the head and throwing her by the hair for two. Nikki stand son her hair and pulls her up while….Michael Cole stand sup on the desk and demands the match be ended so he can talk about who will be his referee. Wow. That is the most shameless burial of a match I have ever seen in my life. For God’s sake. This is fucking shit. Cole repeatedly calls himself the main event like he’s saying “I’m the Boss.” Eve hit’s a springboard kick while the Bellas try to switch behind the ref’s back. They get caught though and Nikki is demanded back in for a neck breaker.

Winner: Eve

I find it amusing the Bella’s finishing move has a name in “Twin Magic” that is just switching who is in the ring. Cole talks over this with his microphone. I’m serious. If you don’t want the Divas to be taken seriously, don’t have them fucking wrestle. The match was horrid anyway.

Random Commercial Thought: The Source Code sounds awesome. Was it written in Java? (I know nothing of computers)

Matthews greets us with a replay of Jack Swagger being announced last week. How far the mighty have fallen. Cole says his match will be the main event and the man who signs the contract he is holding will grant the signer the privilege of being his ref. He says the ref is impartial and has been in negotiations for the last week. A former WWE champion. A True Legend. One of the most iconic figures in WWE History. Must be Mable. It’s a legendary Texan…he says everyone knows this man is here and starts hyping people up for Stone Cold as people are actually fucking dumb enough to start chanting it and raising their signs until he says it was all a Psych of course. His referee is JBL. Oh wow, really? Haha, that’s funny. They busted out the horned limo for this.

Did JBL shrink? He looks like he drank from the wrong cup in Last Crusade. JBL talks some shit on Texas since he moved to New York, and that he feels sorry for Texas. Are they serious about this match being the main event? I would burn my television if I bought a PPV with this being the main event. JBL prepares to sign the contract after talking some trash on King, before they are suddenly interrupt by Austin. They give him a verbal butt-chewing. Cole hides behind JBL while Austin keeps trying to step around him. Austin finally delivers a stunner to JBL and steals his hat before drinking some beer. Cole says his night is ruined. He pours some beer on JBL too. This is just like a frat party, only someone invited a whiny bitch. Austin sees the contract and grins. I’m horribly disappointed that it wasn’t the GM, because now that shitty storyline is going to continue.

Did he just barf beer on that contract? Austin asks the crowd for a Hell yeah confirmation in signing the contract while Cole continues to cry and Austin retrieves another microphone. He announces himself as the gust referee and says that is the bottom line. Because the writers said so. Cole begs him not to do this before Austin grabs more beer and approaches him at ringside to shake his hand and wish him luck then pour beer all over his head…and wish him luck again before shoving him into his seat. Cole tosses his headset away and goes to leave only to be rained on by beer on his way by Austin’s turnbuckle before he leaves. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy that. JBL stumbles to his feet again and now has a beer toast….that ends with another stunner of course. You fool! Swagger is consoling Cole at the ring entrance where he is throwing his coat and having a temper tantrum.

Did they really just instant replay the beer bath? Speaking of the 90s, we get another replay of Rock’s response to Cena.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m getting good at tuning this things out.

Back to the show where Swagger is telling Cole to calm down because he’ll break Austin’s ankle like a twig. King now has an entrance to join Matthews at ringside while we get another replay of what happened before the break. Oh, a match. I forgot what those are. Sheamus isn’t wearing his king gear even though he gets the title still. We get replays of Bourne and Trips taking Sheamus down last week.

King Sheamus vs. US Champion Daniel Bryan (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus turns back in a rage and tackles Bryan into the corner, beating him down brutally. Sheamus tosses Bryan out of the corner and runs him down with an axe handle for two. Bryan ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Sheamus to the apron. A running dropkick then sends Sheamus into the announce table who rolls around holding his ankle in pain. Sheamus hobbles back to the ring and fails to make it in by the count.

Winner: Bryan

Sheamus rages and slams his hands on the desk as Matthews oddly remarks the count was fast. Maybe it’s because the ref was black and felt threatened by the white power. Sheamus grabs a microphone and says he’s been on a losing streak because he’s going to challenge Bryan for his belt next week. Sheamus says he’ll quit if he loses. Bryan agrees to the terms.

Random Commercial Thought: Can’t stop playing the new pokemon. Get at me.

Back to the show for CM Punk already in the ring as he waits for Truth to rap his way out. Couldn’t we have switched those?

R-Truth vs. CM Punk

Truth starts off in control, but Punk soon regains control by slamming his shoulder into multiple ring posts. He does this three times over, each with a different post when Truth finally realizes he might need to fight back now. Punk just beats him down in the corner and gets a one count. Truth comes back with some clotheslines and goes for a leap frog in the corner, but Punk dodges it and goes for the GTS. Truth slips free into a side kick for two. Punk rolls to the apron where he can wrack the injured arm on the rope and deliver a sambo suplex and the anaconda vice for the win.

Winner: Punk

Mason Ryan enters and crushes Truth’s shoulder with a shoulder breaker. So. Anyone else notice there is zero trace of Nexus now? We get a video package from Shawn Michaels about Triple H. It’s nice to see all the people he’s crushed and buried under glass ceilings in the past in one convenient montage. And now…Vickie Guerrero.

Random Commercial Thought: Who gives a shit about a pizza restaurant’s chicken?

Snookie will be on Raw next week. No. No. I refuse. No. Speaking of annoying: Vickie is still in the ring. She says she has negotiated Dolph Ziggler onto the Raw roster.

John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero

Vickie says she and Dolph are strictly business now instead of dating, which at least will give me fewer nightmares now. Morrison tries to leapfrog Ziggler, but he blocks it with a dropkick to the knee in midair. Morrison takes a trip to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Pixar, this craze is your fault.

Back to the show for more gripping headlock action. Vickie tries to talk about Snookie, but it comes off as some kind of gibberish. Morrison is rallying back with clothesline after dodging a corner splash. He hit’s a side dropkick and starting kneeing Ziggler in the head before flipping over into a neck breaker, but Ziggler makes the bottom rope at two with his foot. Morrison is trying to drag him back by the boot, but the ref is trying to separate them and misses the eye gauge that allows the Rocker Dropper/Zig-Zag/Fameasser for the three.

Winner: Ziggler

Vickie hugs her “partner” as King now responds to a GM e-mail. King gets a good one saying Cole is busy wringing beer out of his diaper. I liked that one. The GM says he hired Ziggler to Raw, but not Vickie. The GM says she is a polarizing figure, and can have a job on Raw if she wins a match next week against Trish Stratus (who is a trainer for Tough Enough btw). The security than arrives to haul her away. We get yet another replay of Rock’s response last week, having now seen the whole thing pretty much before they torture us with a Chaperone preview.

Random Commercial Thought: All construction worker work hard and play hard.

Oh, I guess I forgot one part. They replay his rap form last week. Now we have heard it all. Finally, the much hyped response, which is apparently our main event. I think the message from Miz earlier was that he was protesting the show and not going to show up as an excuse for why Cena could come out here and do this with no Miz. Sign guy got shown up by a pair of titties. I love how uninterested he looks in the show even. Perhaps even he knows that his life is a hollow shell of existence. Maybe he forgot to shower again, that would explain the three feet radius of nothing surrounding him.

Why did he say bologna, fudge and mustard? What curse does that replace? He says he will fix everything by not addressing Rock in rap, but in Hip Hop instead. He makes fun of Rock staying at home and reading his script from a prompter. Also, a masturbation joke. Cena tells him to sow up for the event if he’s the People’s Champ. Did he just insinuate he was going to jizz on Rock? Sean Carless needs to be hired as the new photoshop guy. He shows Rock’s new T-shirt…which now says “I Bring It…Via Satellite.” Oh dear, he mentioned knives and guns! He tells Rock not to call him out again and then gets leveled by Miz with the WWE title. Special Guest appearance: Mike Mizannan (however that stupid name is spelled). I like the “Yabba Dabba Dabba” chant this one guy has got going on. Miz clocks Cena with the belt again.

Miz says he has been disrespected for the last time. He says he does this to Cena every time and if the Rock was here, he would do the same to him. Miz mentions Macho Man and Liz in a rap just to make sure it rhymes with his name. Bit of a stretch. He proceeds to address Rock directly by reminding him he’s just the host and Miz is the champ/star. Miz says he’ll take his little eyebrow, 45 catchphrases, sunglasses, father, and grandfather and stick them up his ass. Censor isn’t even trying anymore these days. Cena wanders up and eats a skull crushing finale. Miz proceeds to then do the People’s Elbow with the most hilarious expression on his face I have ever seen.

Highlight of the Night: Miz Elbow ties with Cole‘s Beer Bath. Fucking funny.

Lowlight of the Night: Slightly better about having matches, but they were all short and rather lackluster.

WWE "Creative" Award: Cole’s segment of talking over the Divas while fitting his stupid character just buries the match and its competitors entirely.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.