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WWE
RAW RANT:
(03/01/10)
By Cameron Burge

Finally some hosts that actually belong on this show, Cheech and Chong, because only individuals with that much weed could possibly be coming up with this shit. On second thought though, after seeing some of the directions of TNA recently, I have to say they have some powerful stuff to smoke back there. How else do you explain Hulk Lantern Abyss? I’m still trying to figure out where in the Emotional Spectrum you can find Hulkamania.

Raw 02.01.10

The show opens with Shawn Michaels talking about how he’s going to beat the Undertaker. He calls out anyone in the back who believes he can’t win to come out and tell him as much, cue Triple H. Hilariously, the camera guy stands too close to the crowd and everyone waves their hands in his face like dickbags. Shawn gets mad and Triple H says he doesn’t think he can beat Taker…he knows it. Oh I c wut u did therr. Trips says the Road to Wrestlemania always takes them down different paths, but DX will never die. He states however that they won’t be in the ring together again in a while. Trips reveals though that they have a rematch for the Titles tonight. Trips brings up the 30 Day defend clause that is so much bullshit and never exists unless convenient. So it will be 28 days until the day after Wrestlemania so they can defend the belts then. Trips keeps saying he believes. He believes in Harvey Dent! Man I’m on a comic book streak tonight
already. He finally convinces Shawn to go for the belts tonight and the convenient sound man plays the DX music for us.

In the back, the Brias come back to whore themselves out to the hosts. They want to work out a deal for tickets. They offer to take them on a backstage tour after they tell us they are actually just normal guys and not those characters. Chong is approached by Hornswoggle and his Lucky Charms. They send him on a trip for some reason that fucks up our camera and I’m left to wonder why Hornswoggle has hallucinogens in his Lucky Charms.

Random Commercial Thought: Win money for having no life in a crappy baseball game.

Back to the show for a replay of Orton/Legacy from last week before Orton heads out for his match with Dibiase.

Ted Dibiase vs. Randy Orton

Dibiase starts off on Orton but the tables are turned in the corner. Orton takes a knee to the face but comes back with a big clothesline to send Dibaise running to the corner. Dibiase powers back and beats Orton into the corner, stomping him down. Orton is put up top and of course he punches Dibiase off but hops down into a dropkick from Dibiase. Orton is sent to the floor and Ted follows. Orton blocks a shot to the post and sends Dibiase into it instead. Back in the ring now as I wonder if either one of them would like to so an actual wrestling hold. Dibaise runs from Orton back to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m pissed I didn’t win the first row tickets from the easiest radio question of all time for Smackdown.

Back to the show where Dibiase is all over Orton at the moment. Picture that in as dirty of a context as you like. Dibiase chokes Orton out with a boot in the corner and puts him down with a snap mare. Oh hey something that wasn’t a punch or kick. He follows up with a kick. Sigh. For two. And now a chinlock. Orton tries to come off the ropes but Dibaise tricks him by running behind and coming in with his own clothesline. Dibiase wins a punch war but Orton comes back with a power slam. Orton starts stomping body parts. Orton sets up for an RKO and Rhodes is out to distract. Orton knocks him off the apron and Dibaise rolls him up. Orton reverses and seems to have the three but Rhodes is in the ring. Orton leaps out of the roll up into a spear for the DQ.
Winner: Orton

They beat him down and Orton springs up, fighting them both off. He delivers the inverted backbreaker to Rhodes and goes for the suspended DDT, but Dibaise blocks it an pulls Rhodes to safety. We have a bit about NXT now in which the rookies that are totally not former ROH champions get made to look like chumps.

Random Commercial Thought: How to Train Your Dragon will probably blow as much as the rest of these CG movies not called Wall-e have been.

Back to the show where Hart is here in his leg cast. Chong is in the back massaging a diva with crazy music and lighting to try and get the divas to do a pillow fight. Cheech shows up to tell him he isn’t allowed sugar because of his diabetes. It turns out it’s really William Regal in a weird camera cut that is much like the Undertaker’s supernatural powers in making me ask why we see what he saw only. Horny then hands off more cereal to them both. We then proceed to get a video recap of how things have gone between Batista and Cena. We decide to go from there to a MitB qualifier between Swagger and Santino. Poor Santino.

Santino Morella vs. Jack Swagger (MitB Qualifier)

Santino starts off strong with his punch combo, but Swagger blocks a hiptoss and counters it straight into the gut wrench power bomb for three.
Winner: Swagger

I’m glad we get so much exciting wrestling on this program. About 50 minutes into the show and total wrestling time is about three minutes. Batista then shows up in the back looking as much like a gay biker as possible as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I need some cheese.

Back to the show where Cena is out to wonder why Batista dislikes him so much. This is obviously explained by “because the plot demands it.” Batista finally answers the call but is preceded by a bunch of security. Batista says the security are there to make sure Batista doesn’t go down and kick his ass again. Yes, it makes perfect sense to hire security to protect people from yourself. Batista talks about how they are the two biggest stars since the attitude era, but he’s jealous that Cena is the company poster-boy. Cena responds by saying he tries harder and that is why. Batista says he’s just here to collect a paycheck. I’m pretty sure that’s what Carlito does. He tells Cena to go on kissing babies and hugging fat girls. That second thing is Matt Hardy’s job. Batista basically tells him off some more before leaving.

Random Commercial Thought: Repomen is the same as the movie Repo which just came out recently it seems.

Back to the show where Cheech has Chavo in a sombrero. They are scarfing Lucky Charms and he has Carlito and Primo hanging with them and they are all wearing mustaches…including Katie Lea…and Yoshi….c-can I ride him? Santino voices a chicken that talks to them about the pillow match. I…I don’t know what to say.

Zack Ryder vs. MVP (MitB Qualifier)

Hmm, I wonder who will win. MVP absolutely rapes him, delivering all his signature moves right in a row. Zack hilariously sells the Playmaker like he was hit by a truck, bobbing around on the mat.
Winner: MVP

Elsewhere we see the divas gathering for their pillow feet. Yep. Urge to care dropping.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m not sure if Vikings worked that way.

Back to the show where Cheech and Chong come out to the ring to ham it up. They proceed to introduce the divas. Uh huh. This makes me want to watch TNA women wrestle. The pillow fight is the furthest thing from a match really. I have to applaud Jillian for actually clothes lining people instead of swinging a freaking pillow. It’s really not much, but ironically had some of the best divas wrestling on Raw in a while in it, which isn’t saying much at all. Eve won. Hornswoggle then came out and threw cereal at everyone. Cole segues this into the Hall of Fame which makes me cry a little inside. Our new member is Mad Dog Vachon who will be inducted by Pat Patterson.

Random Commercial Thought: Tacos have mystical powers.

Back to the show. We runs down the card for Wrestlemania before Hart is about to be introduced. The introduction is cut off by Vince McMahon strutting out. He introduces Hart for us instead and as Bret hobbles out we get a replay of the accident yet again. By the end, Bret has finally crawled up to the ring. Vince wants a clear of his name concerning the accident. Bret says he’s not even sure if it is true or not and since Vince has treated him like shit, he should just piss off while he has his last moment. Vince does reveal that he didn’t invite Bret out here for a farewell, he lied again. Bret says it’s no surprise of course. Vince says he’ll take the match and Bret can just magically heal in time.

Vince goads Bret on to take the match, demanding the crowd to tell him to take the match too. Bret calls him an idiot because he has a broken leg. Vince just stares at it and does all but laugh evilly as he contemplates kicking him in it obviously. Vince calls him a coward and kicks his crutches out. Bret sits on the floor before crawling back up while Vince takes a walk calling him a coward still. Man this is dragging. It would actually be a pretty decent bit if it weren’t for the fact I know that no decent match could come out of this. Bret finally accepts the match as Vince looks thrilled to all hell. Vince says he’ll fight Bret’s biggest fan next week to show what kind of condition he is in next week, John Cena. I’m sure that will happen as advertised of course.

Random Commercial Thought: Any chick waiting that long for you to get the door is assuming you were masturbating.

Back to the show where we run down next week’s card and host being Chris Angel. THE MINDFREAK. It has to be typed that way. No exceptions. DX make their entrance, followed by the champs but it’s back to commercial for us.

Random Commercial Thought: Wesley Snipes is too black for white folk.

Back to the show where the match is just getting underway.

Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. Degeneration X (Tag Team Title Match)

Show takes some chops from Michaels in the corner right away, but he runs hi down with a clothesline before making the tag to Miz. Miz stomps Michaels down and delivers an elbow drop for two before Show is back in. Show punches Michaels down and taunts. Show works a bear hug on Michaels and Shawn starts to punch his way free before going back to the chops that worked so well last time. Show tosses him aside and Michaels goes for a super kick. Show blocks and goes for the choke slam, but Michaels flips out and tags Trips.

Triple H puts Show down with a combination high knee and spine buster. He sets up a pedigree and has to stop to spine buster Miz. Show delivers a choke slam and Michaels super kicks Show behind the ref’s back. The ref starts a standing ten count. Show makes the tag at nine which is pointless because they keep the titles on a count out. Trips makes the tag too now and Michaels comes in to wreck Miz with the general offense. Miz eats the elbow drop as Shawn tunes up the band before Taker’s visage appear on the titantron for the distraction. Shawn retardedly goes to stare at it in the ring with his back to everyone and turns to try and super kick Miz, but he’s scooped up for a jacknife pin and the three.
Winners: ShowMiz

Trips looks disapprovingly down at Michaels who is pouting on the ground. She refuses to be touched and storms off angrily. Trips then turns around into an assault by Sheamus. Huh. Odd. Shoehorn match for Mania much? Sheamus annihilates Trips at ringside. He puts Trips out on top of the announce table and they feel like wasting a few more seconds of our time by silently replaying it as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: There was an incredibly small amount of wrestling tonight. I have to give the highlight to main event despite how unforgivably short it was.

Lowlight of the Night: There was honestly no way Swagger and MVP could have just had matches instead of squashes? None?

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever is writing this needs to start slotting more time for actually WRESTLING. Christ. Just slotting five matches on the card then having them be throw-away ones that last less than a minute is not proper booking.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).