Finally some hosts that
actually belong on this show, Cheech and Chong,
because only individuals with that much weed could
possibly be coming up with this shit. On second
thought though, after seeing some of the directions
of TNA recently, I have to say they have some
powerful stuff to smoke back there. How else do you
explain Hulk Lantern Abyss? I’m still trying to
figure out where in the Emotional Spectrum you can
opens with Shawn Michaels talking about how he’s
going to beat the Undertaker. He calls out anyone in
the back who believes he can’t win to come out and
tell him as much, cue Triple H. Hilariously, the
camera guy stands too close to the crowd and
everyone waves their hands in his face like
dickbags. Shawn gets mad and Triple H says he
doesn’t think he can beat Taker…he knows it. Oh I c
wut u did therr. Trips says the Road to Wrestlemania
always takes them down different paths, but DX will
never die. He states however that they won’t be in
the ring together again in a while. Trips reveals
though that they have a rematch for the Titles
tonight. Trips brings up the 30 Day defend clause
that is so much bullshit and never exists unless
convenient. So it will be 28 days until the day
after Wrestlemania so they can defend the belts
then. Trips keeps saying he believes. He believes in
Harvey Dent! Man I’m on a comic book streak tonight
already. He finally convinces Shawn to go for the
belts tonight and the convenient sound man plays the
DX music for us.
In the back, the Brias come
back to whore themselves out to the hosts. They want
to work out a deal for tickets. They offer to take
them on a backstage tour after they tell us they are
actually just normal guys and not those characters.
Chong is approached by Hornswoggle and his Lucky
Charms. They send him on a trip for some reason that
fucks up our camera and I’m left to wonder why
Hornswoggle has hallucinogens in his Lucky Charms.
Random Commercial Thought: Win money for having no
life in a crappy baseball game.
Back to the
show for a replay of Orton/Legacy from last week
before Orton heads out for his match with Dibiase.
Ted Dibiase vs. Randy
Dibiase starts off on
Orton but the tables are turned in the corner. Orton
takes a knee to the face but comes back with a big
clothesline to send Dibaise running to the corner.
Dibiase powers back and beats Orton into the corner,
stomping him down. Orton is put up top and of course
he punches Dibiase off but hops down into a dropkick
from Dibiase. Orton is sent to the floor and Ted
follows. Orton blocks a shot to the post and sends
Dibiase into it instead. Back in the ring now as I
wonder if either one of them would like to so an
actual wrestling hold. Dibaise runs from Orton back
to the floor as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: I’m pissed I didn’t win the
first row tickets from the easiest radio question of
all time for Smackdown.
Back to the show
where Dibiase is all over Orton at the moment.
Picture that in as dirty of a context as you like.
Dibiase chokes Orton out with a boot in the corner
and puts him down with a snap mare. Oh hey something
that wasn’t a punch or kick. He follows up with a
kick. Sigh. For two. And now a chinlock. Orton tries
to come off the ropes but Dibaise tricks him by
running behind and coming in with his own
clothesline. Dibiase wins a punch war but Orton
comes back with a power slam. Orton starts stomping
body parts. Orton sets up for an RKO and Rhodes is
out to distract. Orton knocks him off the apron and
Dibaise rolls him up. Orton reverses and seems to
have the three but Rhodes is in the ring. Orton
leaps out of the roll up into a spear for the DQ.
They beat him down and Orton
springs up, fighting them both off. He delivers the
inverted backbreaker to Rhodes and goes for the
suspended DDT, but Dibaise blocks it an pulls Rhodes
to safety. We have a bit about NXT now in which the
rookies that are totally not former ROH champions
get made to look like chumps.
Commercial Thought: How to Train Your Dragon will
probably blow as much as the rest of these CG movies
not called Wall-e have been.
Back to the show
where Hart is here in his leg cast. Chong is in the
back massaging a diva with crazy music and lighting
to try and get the divas to do a pillow fight.
Cheech shows up to tell him he isn’t allowed sugar
because of his diabetes. It turns out it’s really
William Regal in a weird camera cut that is much
like the Undertaker’s supernatural powers in making
me ask why we see what he saw only. Horny then hands
off more cereal to them both. We then proceed to get
a video recap of how things have gone between
Batista and Cena. We decide to go from there to a
MitB qualifier between Swagger and Santino. Poor
Santino Morella vs. Jack Swagger
Santino starts off
strong with his punch combo, but Swagger blocks a
hiptoss and counters it straight into the gut wrench
power bomb for three.
glad we get so much exciting wrestling on this
program. About 50 minutes into the show and total
wrestling time is about three minutes. Batista then
shows up in the back looking as much like a gay
biker as possible as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I need some cheese.
Back to the show where Cena is out to wonder why
Batista dislikes him so much. This is obviously
explained by “because the plot demands it.” Batista
finally answers the call but is preceded by a bunch
of security. Batista says the security are there to
make sure Batista doesn’t go down and kick his ass
again. Yes, it makes perfect sense to hire security
to protect people from yourself. Batista talks about
how they are the two biggest stars since the
attitude era, but he’s jealous that Cena is the
company poster-boy. Cena responds by saying he tries
harder and that is why. Batista says he’s just here
to collect a paycheck. I’m pretty sure that’s what
Carlito does. He tells Cena to go on kissing babies
and hugging fat girls. That second thing is Matt
Hardy’s job. Batista basically tells him off some
more before leaving.
Thought: Repomen is the same as the movie Repo which
just came out recently it seems.
Back to the
show where Cheech has Chavo in a sombrero. They are
scarfing Lucky Charms and he has Carlito and Primo
hanging with them and they are all wearing
mustaches…including Katie Lea…and Yoshi….c-can I
ride him? Santino voices a chicken that talks to
them about the pillow match. I…I don’t know what to
Zack Ryder vs. MVP (MitB Qualifier)
Hmm, I wonder who will win. MVP absolutely rapes
him, delivering all his signature moves right in a
row. Zack hilariously sells the Playmaker like he
was hit by a truck, bobbing around on the mat.
Elsewhere we see the divas
gathering for their pillow feet. Yep. Urge to care
Random Commercial Thought: I’m not
sure if Vikings worked that way.
Back to the
show where Cheech and Chong come out to the ring to
ham it up. They proceed to introduce the divas. Uh
huh. This makes me want to watch TNA women wrestle.
The pillow fight is the furthest thing from a match
really. I have to applaud Jillian for actually
clothes lining people instead of swinging a freaking
pillow. It’s really not much, but ironically had
some of the best divas wrestling on Raw in a while
in it, which isn’t saying much at all. Eve won.
Hornswoggle then came out and threw cereal at
everyone. Cole segues this into the Hall of Fame
which makes me cry a little inside. Our new member
is Mad Dog Vachon who will be inducted by Pat
Random Commercial Thought: Tacos
have mystical powers.
Back to the show. We
runs down the card for Wrestlemania before Hart is
about to be introduced. The introduction is cut off
by Vince McMahon strutting out. He introduces Hart
for us instead and as Bret hobbles out we get a
replay of the accident yet again. By the end, Bret
has finally crawled up to the ring. Vince wants a
clear of his name concerning the accident. Bret says
he’s not even sure if it is true or not and since
Vince has treated him like shit, he should just piss
off while he has his last moment. Vince does reveal
that he didn’t invite Bret out here for a farewell,
he lied again. Bret says it’s no surprise of course.
Vince says he’ll take the match and Bret can just
magically heal in time.
Vince goads Bret on
to take the match, demanding the crowd to tell him
to take the match too. Bret calls him an idiot
because he has a broken leg. Vince just stares at it
and does all but laugh evilly as he contemplates
kicking him in it obviously. Vince calls him a
coward and kicks his crutches out. Bret sits on the
floor before crawling back up while Vince takes a
walk calling him a coward still. Man this is
dragging. It would actually be a pretty decent bit
if it weren’t for the fact I know that no decent
match could come out of this. Bret finally accepts
the match as Vince looks thrilled to all hell. Vince
says he’ll fight Bret’s biggest fan next week to
show what kind of condition he is in next week, John
Cena. I’m sure that will happen as advertised of
Random Commercial Thought: Any chick
waiting that long for you to get the door is
assuming you were masturbating.
Back to the
show where we run down next week’s card and host
being Chris Angel. THE MINDFREAK. It has to be typed
that way. No exceptions. DX make their entrance,
followed by the champs but it’s back to commercial
Random Commercial Thought: Wesley
Snipes is too black for white folk.
the show where the match is just getting underway.
Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs.
Degeneration X (Tag Team Title Match)
Show takes some chops from Michaels in the corner
right away, but he runs hi down with a clothesline
before making the tag to Miz. Miz stomps Michaels
down and delivers an elbow drop for two before Show
is back in. Show punches Michaels down and taunts.
Show works a bear hug on Michaels and Shawn starts
to punch his way free before going back to the chops
that worked so well last time. Show tosses him aside
and Michaels goes for a super kick. Show blocks and
goes for the choke slam, but Michaels flips out and
Triple H puts Show down with a
combination high knee and spine buster. He sets up a
pedigree and has to stop to spine buster Miz. Show
delivers a choke slam and Michaels super kicks Show
behind the ref’s back. The ref starts a standing ten
count. Show makes the tag at nine which is pointless
because they keep the titles on a count out. Trips
makes the tag too now and Michaels comes in to wreck
Miz with the general offense. Miz eats the elbow
drop as Shawn tunes up the band before Taker’s
visage appear on the titantron for the distraction.
Shawn retardedly goes to stare at it in the ring
with his back to everyone and turns to try and super
kick Miz, but he’s scooped up for a jacknife pin and
disapprovingly down at Michaels who is pouting on
the ground. She refuses to be touched and storms off
angrily. Trips then turns around into an assault by
Sheamus. Huh. Odd. Shoehorn match for Mania much?
Sheamus annihilates Trips at ringside. He puts Trips
out on top of the announce table and they feel like
wasting a few more seconds of our time by silently
replaying it as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: There was an
incredibly small amount of wrestling tonight. I have
to give the highlight to main event despite how
unforgivably short it was.
Lowlight of the Night: There was honestly no
way Swagger and MVP could have just had matches
instead of squashes? None?
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever is writing this
needs to start slotting more time for actually
WRESTLING. Christ. Just slotting five matches on the
card then having them be throw-away ones that last
less than a minute is not proper booking.
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SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).