WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

February 28, 2011

Welcome back. This is probably gonna hurt. Not for any particular thing that I know. I’m just predicting pain of some sort tonight. Oh yes. There will be blood.

Raw 02.28.11

Triple H opens the show, skipping straight from the theme and pyro. Ah, old times. King and Matthews are on the mics tonight as they remind us Trips is challenging the Streak. Not the Ray Stevens song. Big chants for Triple H here after a bit before he finally speaks by saying it’s good to see us. Funny, I didn’t see a championship belt anywhere. He says he’s done everything there is to do before reminding us of all the things he did. Ric Flair got a name drop. Speaking of Flair, he isn’t in the new WWE game, but Hogan, Savage and even Ultimate Warrior are. Trips reminds us that he hasn’t beaten Taker at Mania yet. Last time they met at it was a decade ago. He says he and Taker are a lot alike. They both bury new guys through political manipulation? Trips says he’s the only challenge Taker has left and vice versa. He says Deadman so much that I’m beginning to think Undertaker has changed his name, Deadman. He says there can be only one (Deadman) …..HEEEEERE WE AAAARE! BORN TO BE KINGS (Deadman)! He says he will end the streak or die trying.

As Trips is celebrating his speech, King Sheamus arrives. What’s this? A rookie left unburried? Should have run while you could. As he gets in the ring, Trips drops his ass and tosses him to the floor for an ass kicking and a pedigree through the announce desk. Rectified. They promise a response from Cole tonight and a satellite tour of Rock’s house.

Random Commercial Thought: My white colors are all brown with chocolate. It’s definitely chocolate.

Back to the show for a replay of Sheamus getting owned. King answers an e-mail from the GM and says Sheamus (who is still being carted at ringside) still has to have his match tonight against Evan Bourne who gets a pretty decent pop for his return.

Evan Bourne vs. King Sheamus

Bourne flattens Sheamus as soon as he crawls to his feet and delivers Air Bourne for the win.

Winner: Bourne

And that is the last time he will probably ever beat Sheamus. It’s nice to know Kirk is in the audience tonight. The announcer then introduces Michael Cole to us, who straightens himself up on his way to the ring with a douche bag smile. He promises to tell us what he plans to do at Wrestlemania as we go to commercial again. I’m riveted. /sarcasm

Random Commercial Thought: I am not recapping Tough Enough after Raw. Nooooo way.

Replay of Cole’s “Yo Dead Momma” from last week and King’s challenge. Cole demands Lawler join him in the ring and reminds him that if they strike each other, they will be fired. Cole says he was incorrect and found out that the “No punching or you are fired thing” only applies to King. Cole, now knowing he can do whatever he wants, invites Jerry in to say he wasn’t pussying out and will not cower down from King because no one has more guts than him. Except for that ten year old girl in the second row. Cole turns down the challenge anyway unless he will accept his conditions: His trainers will be allowed to be in his corner and Cole gets to pick a guest referee. King says he doesn’t care if The Dark Knight, King Kong, Superman and Saba Simba (who?) are with him.

Cole tries to hype this travesty up as a match and introduces his trainer: Jack Swagger. Uh, what the fuck does Swagger have to do with this feud? They couldn’t find a real match for Swagger to be in? Swagger stairs King down and Cole shoves him from behind Swagger’s back before slapping in the face too. Swagger drags King into an ankle lock when he tries to attack Cole. Cole shit talks him in the face while Swagger holds it on and then they pose for a bit.

Random Commercial Thought: I still can’t believe people would go see a movie called Gnomeo and Juliet.

Stone Cold will be on Raw next week since he will be the host of Tough Enough. Cole is at ringside disinfecting Lawler’s headset. Oh great. Gonna get that mute button ready. He’s in hyper heel mode. Nice to see they got him a new table.

Orton comes out and tells Punk to get out here who says he wanted Orton to take his bait. The GM interrupts things when Punk and Nexus arrive. Cole is nice enough to give this to Matthews to read. The GM makes a series of matches between Orton and each member of Nexus. If Orton wins, he gets to ban the member from Mania, and if Nexus interferes, they gets banned anyway. That’s not a good way to bury a stable as completely laughable or anything. Oh wait.

Mike McStupidName vs. Randy Orton

Orton runs Mike over who doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance here. Orton bombs the knee drop so Mike starts kicking him, but Orton clotheslines him to the floor as we go to commercial. Sure feels like there has been a bunch of those.

Random Commercial Thought: I still don’t understand how to use Mumble.

Back to the show where Mike is picking up a two count and beating Orton down into a corner. The ref has to drag him off. Mike works a headlock on Orton who breaks free and goes into his standard offense. Orton hit’s the power slam and back breaker before following with the suspended DDT. Orton slams himself onto the ground and tries his best not to kill his arm in doing so before landing an RKO for the win.

Winner: Orton

Punk warns Orton not to punt Mike in the head and says nobody wants to see it while Orton makes a “burning diarrhea” face and then does it anyway. Punk and Nexus chase Orton out through the crowd. They hype up Sin Cara joining WWE before we see Miz walking through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: MvC3 is good.

Back to the show where we get a replay of the tag team main event finale from last week. Miz says Rock isn’t responding to him tonight even though he talked about him too. He says he is the biggest star in the WWE now. Cole manages not to suck his dick through this. Miz hilariously mentions the record will now show that he won the WWE Tag Team titles and John Cena lost them. Good point. Riley demands some cheers and respect for the man who will Main Event Wrestlemania and John Cena appears. He brought a doctor’s note or something for Miz, saying he has OCD and a bunch of cats. This…doesn’t make much sense. Who wrote this? He pees in milk jugs. Alex says they named toilets Johns because everything Cena says is full of crap. I thought it was because he was a terrible prince. Oh wait, that was something good.

Cena says Alex’s joke was awful and is the reason no one takes Miz seriously and says he’s looking at them right now, sucking at the air like a dying fish. Okay, that one was funny. He says Miz needs to drop Alex so people don’t remember he shared his legacy with another man and asks Miz to fire Alex Riley tonight. Miz says Cena is trying to play mind games with him and is mentoring the new generation instead of just hocking merch. Cena goes into another gay joke. Cena challenges Alex to a match in which if Cena wins, Alex will be fired. Miz gives his word to not interfere but leaves a condition that if Alex wins, Cena has to admit Miz is the greatest Superstar of all time. I’m curious, how the fuck is that a fair trade. Cena agrees after pointing out that stipulation is stupid. The GM calls and Matthews goes to get up, but Cole says he threw him a bone once, but not to get carried away before handling this.

The GM says Cena and Riley will be a cage match to make sure Miz does not interfere. Also, the only way to win is escape, which means it will be even more retarded when they don’t just run out of the cage right away since this is the only way to win. I’m still waiting for that cage match where both guys run to a side and climb out right away for a race.

Random Commercial Thought: Ties make for good ninja headbands.

This show needs more talking so tonight HBK will respond about Taker/HHH. Eve is at ringside for the #1 Contender match that is a battle royal for divas.

Diva’s #1 Contender Battle Royal

It’s impossible to recap this for Divas usually. It’s super fast anyway for the most part. Melina and Natalya are eliminated by Maryse on the apron. It comes down to Gail, a Bella and Maryse. Maryse takes both out, but when she charges Gail, she is flipped back through the ropes. She fights over her elimination, managing to distract every ref suddenly while Gail eliminates the Bella only for the other to slide in behind her for the elimination when the ref’s are looking.

Winners: Bellas

Eve tries to argue with the ref over this and gets attacked by the Bellas and beat down. Yeah the Diva division is dead.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s weird that female country singers tend to look more whorish than pop singers, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.

And now, the Rock will respond via pre-recorded video (live via satellite is bullshit). Man, remember when he said he wouldn’t be leaving? Yeah, that was awesome….Rock is in John Cena rap gear to do a little rap joke before getting serious. The crowd seems unimpressed that he is video only. I love how he still does the “Rock has come back to Buffalo” like he was there. He says he knows he’s got the attention of John Cena. He says he kicked down the door and addressed John Cena like a man and all he does in response is rap to him. Rock says he thought it was funny before reminding everyone that it all started with Cena talking shit on him in public and calling him a liar about loving the WWE. He says it was an insult to him and his family before recapping his family’s WWE history and his showing his collection of title belts behind him in a display case. He says he paved the way for Cena and others to be successful in other fields as he too was proceeded by Mr. Nanny! He may have no brought that up.

Rock says he will answer the open plea to bring it now that Cena has opened the door. He says he will kick Cena’s ass all the way back to Buffalo and he will be addressing Cena sooner than he thinks. He then says he can snap his fingers and electrify Buffalo just like that as the lights go down. He says he is never alone, he’s with the Millions and Millions (the lights come up every time the crowd says millions). Rock tells Cena to listen to a very special gift, it’s a rhyme. It was hilarious.

So uh…we’ve only had one real match tonight guys and the show has twenty minutes left.

Random Commercial Thought: Eating girl scout cookies here.

Back to the show for a response from Shawn Michaels on the Taker/HHH. Not much to be surprised about here, it’s pretty much what you would expect. Daniel Bryan arrives now for a match and is immediately destroyed by the Miz on the entrance ramp. After he finishes things with a skull crushing finale, he says he did that because he could and demands the cage match be started. I’m curious as to why Cole is suddenly playing this straight as if Miz crossed the line even though he’s celebrated the last umpteen times he did it, even when it was Daniel Bryan in those other instances. Consistency.

Random Commercial Thought: What does that game have to do with a hot chick in a dress? I guarantee you there is no such thing in the game.

Back to the show for our main event.

John Cena vs. Alex Riley (Cage Match)

Cena beats his ass from the start all around the ring while Miz says Alex will win. Cena slings him away with a vertical suplex and kicks Riley in the gut before delivering a gut wrench suplex. Cena decides to take a walk out the door when Miz runs from ringside to close the door on him. Riley catches him from behind and Miz slams the cage door on his head. Riley decides it’s a good idea to not just LEAVE OUT THE OPEN DOOR and instead beats on Cena on the ground and slams him into the cage. Miz has Riley bring Cena to the other side of the cage and rake his face on it while Miz takes pictures with his android phone. Riley and Cena knock heads I guess in a move that has the announcers scrambling to explain before Riley crawls to the door. Cena grabs him by the ankle and Miz grabs his arm and they start stretching him between him. Cena finally wins out though and puts on the STF.

Riley taps out several times as Cole says Riley is fading (Miz promptly tells him to shut up). Riley passes out and Cena climbs the cage. Miz grabs a chair and bangs it on the cage to threaten Cena with if he were to try and climb out until Riley gets an electric chair drop on Cena. A commercial break? It’s after ten already, guys.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t want to ever get up either.

Back to the match. Cena is rallying back with his standard offense into the Shuffle. Riley escapes the FU by grabbing the cage and starting to climb out. Cena joins him on the top rope, but Riley wins out and starts dragging himself up. Of course, he goes as slowly as possible so Cena can crawl around as well and meet him up top to drag him back in. Matthews actually tries to explain how ridiculously stupid for Riley this looks by saying he’s afraid of heights. They fight back onto the top rope again. Cena bulldogs Cena from the top rope and lands the FU. Cena grabs the phone that Miz apparently gave Riley earlier. He takes a picture of the passed out Riley and head to the cage door. Miz blocks him again and Cena just powers it open anyway.

Winner: Cena

Miz delivers a skull crushing finale when Cena hits the floor by escaping.

Highlight of the Night: The Rock’s promo was the only thing worth tuning in for. Told you it was gonna hurt.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva Battle Royal. I’m sure this will be a Diva match at Mania. Does WWE purposefully go out of its way to try and top the worst Diva match at Mania every year?

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever thought the show only needed one real match.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.