Did you miss last night’s
big show? If not, then you are probably praying for
a match that doesn’t end with a BIG SHOCKING TWIST,
as we had no fewer than three along those lines.
Cena even managed to fit another title reign
somewhere in there somehow. But hey, at least Cena
and Batista can headline Wrestlemania now, just like
you always wanted! Where are you going?
The little mix before the
show has a Million Dollar Man sound bite added to it
now. We get a recap off how Batista got the title
before we are headed to theme and pyro. We learn
Michaels plans to address super kicking Undertaker
and there will be bull riding. It’s kind of like
There Will Be Blood, but without anything good at
all. Jericho is then introduced to us as the new
World Heavyweight Champion, because his gimmick is
showing up on Raw I suppose. Jericho points out he’s
going to Wrestlemania in case you couldn’t figure it
out and says he beat Taker two times in a row, which
is more than Shawn Michaels can claim, surprisingly
he doesn’t bring that up. Jericho continues to
celebrate until he’s interrupted by Edge’s music,
but then speared from behind by Edge who snuck in
through the crowd. Edge says he’s going to
Wrestlemania against him. I can’t help but feel this
entire thing should have happened on Smackdown.
Cena wastes no time in limping out right after Edge
slinks off in quite possibly the shortest attack and
declaration ever. Nice segue, guys. Cena says to add
him to the list of people Vince McMahon has screwed.
Cena demands his rematch right now, saying he’s
earned it because he is champion. This completely
ignores Sheamus’ right for a rematch but good
riddance to that guy anyway. Vince saunters out to
provide counterpoint. Vince does eventually bring up
Sheamus deserves a rematch too and says Batista
won’t defend until Mania so Cena has to win a match
tonight to get the title shot. Cena demands to know
who he has to beat for the title shot. Vince tells
him it’s Batista. Oh. So we’ll just go ahead and
give that one away for free then I guess.
Random Commercial Thought: I always knew the King
was just a loony in a mask who got loose.
Back to the show where after the bullshit cocktease
we got last night for the Diva’s title, we get that
Kim vs. Maryse (Diva’s Championship Match)
Gail dodges an early corner charge by slipping to
the apron. She delivers some shots to Maryse before
putting her down with a clothesline for two. It
looks like they are fighting in slow motions here
for a bit before Gail hit’s a wrap-around corner
splash. Maryse bashes her head on the turnbuckle
before Gail tries to come back with her finisher,
but Maryse holds the ropes to block. Maryse picks up
a two count and Gail trips her up for a two count of
her own. Maryse dodges a corner charge and Gail goes
up top, bombing a cross body. Gail hurts herself in
the corner while dodging. Gail delivers a small
package when Maryse finally crawls up and gets a two
count. Maryse charges into an elbow, and by charge I
mean, walks slowly. I’m not sure if this injury was
supposed to be real or not. Gail leaps onto her
shoulders, but Maryse tosses her off to catch her
chin on the top rope into the French Kiss for the
Typical diva’s match.
Slow for no reason at time, half of the moves looked
Random Commercial Thought: Who do I
Back to the show Vince
McMahon is now Willy Wonka and giving away golden
tickets. Unfortunately they neither involve killing
children in ironic ways or taking over his company.
Our hosts are in the back with some divas talking
about riding the bull. The Bellas look confused not
being able to practically hump the host while his
wife is here. Their one use in existing is gone.
Jillian Hall has a sing fight with Jewel and gets
backslapped for it. Elsewhere: Randy Orton.
Cody is talking about how he wanted Orton to use the
pipe and not Ted and also that he knew Ted would
betray him. Orton says it’s his fault, not theirs,
because he taught them too well and hasn’t been a
leader. Has he ever taught them anything ever? He
tells Cody to tell him he’s sorry and they will show
everyone Legacy is on the same page now. Ted pops in
after he leaves to ask how it went and Cody says he
thinks it went too well before saying he’s still
going with the plan. DUN DUN DUUUNNNN.
Commercial Thought: It’s like a serious version of
Back to the show where we
get a still replay of Dibiase’s betrayal. Bourne,
Kingston and Tatsu are out as a team to take on
Legacy. Tatsu has been shifted to Raw from ECW.
Yoshi Tatsu & Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston vs.
Tatsu starts with Dibiase and
tags out to Bourne who picks up a quick two count.
Dibiase puts him down with a suplex and Cody tags
in. He taunts so Bourne kicks the shit out of him.
Bourne puts on a small package but only gets one. He
launches into some strikes in the corner and Rhodes
comes back with an elbow. Bourne spines out of
Crossroads to slam Rhodes down but Rhodes blocks Air
Bourne and delivers a big back slam for two as we go
Random Commercial Thought: So
I finally looked up WWE NXT and now I hate myself
for bothering. It is a dark thing. A dark thing.
Back to the show where Bourne is fighting back
against Dibiase by sitting on his face. Don’t read
too much into that. Kingston gets the tag and
launches into Dibiase with clotheslines, chops and
dropkicks. He fires up for the Boom Drop and Rhodes
distracts the ref for Orton to pull Kingston down by
the hair from behind. Orton tags in and scoop slams
Kingston multiple times. Orton puts Kingston down
for a bit with the inverted backbreaker while Rhodes
and Dibiase whisper to each other in the corner.
Orton stalks about Kingston and stares to Legacy
before Rhodes tags himself in. Orton puts him down
with the suspended DDT. Dibaise demands to know what
just happened so he gets an RKO on the floor.
Kingston makes a tag to Tatsu who annihilates
Rhodes. Bourne comes in and plants Air Bourne for
Winners: Tatsu, Bourne & Kingston
It’s pretty clear Tatsu was just here to be a body.
Random Commercial Thought: I don’t have a hair
Back to the show where we get a
recap of Michaels’ obsession. This video package is
longer than some short films. I didn’t really need
that much. Shawn says he won’t take up a lot of our
time tonight (too late) because he doesn’t feel his
explanation is complicated. He says he did what he
had to and needed to and doesn’t care if it is
popular. He says there are rumors of Taker being
here tonight. Speak of the devil. I love how Taker
did his full entrance just to randomly respond to
someone. Not much our time, my ass. Shawn looks like
a douche bag here in his cowboy shirt trying to be
serious. Taker accepts the rematch but only on the
condition Shawn put his career on the line. He says
he wouldn’t have a career if he couldn’t beat him
anyway so he accepts as well. Before they can even
finish playing the gong for that, we fade to black
as if going to commercial….and suddenly go to an ad
for Cena’s match. Huh. Weird. Christian is seen in
the back as a new Raw superstar about to be
competing to get into Money in the Bank.
Random Commercial Thought: Mmm, squished together
Back to the show. We get a
replay of MitB moments. They pimp Christian’s rookie
for NXT….I. Don’t. Care. Christian stares up at the
briefcase and the man who is probably the most
hilarious individual with a job on NXT. When was the
last time he wrestled a match?
Christian vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (MitB Qualifier
Carlito catches Christian on
the ropes, diving to the floor. He slides back in to
pick up a quick two count. Carlito continues to
hammer Christian around until he finally powers back
with a clothesline. Christian slams Carlito out of
the corner and chokes him out on the middle rope
before dropping to the floor for a bitch slap.
Christian lands a missile dropkick for two.
Christian tosses Carlito from the apron back into
the ring before going up top but a cross body bombs.
Carlito hit’s a rising nee but Christian comes back
with a reverse DDT for two. Christian prepares for
the Killswitch but Carlito pushes him off. Christian
goes two the middle rope only to be tossed off by
Carlito. Carlito hits his swinging neck breaker for
two. Christian tries for the Killswitch again but
Carlito elbows out. Carlito leaps into his
springboard elbow, but Christian catches it to the
Killswitch again, Carlito escapes yet again but
Christian tosses hi shoulder first into
post, falling back into the Killswitch for the win.
We learn that Diva bull
riding is going to be next. Well, goodnight
Random Commercial Thought: I live
in constant fear that a pizza company will break my
kneecaps with crowbars for trash talking them.
Back to the show for bull riding. Uhg. Hilariously,
they greased the divas up for this crap. Nothing you
care about happens. Instead, pretend they ran an
episode of the Twilight Zone over this. I’m
imagining that one with the kid who can alter
reality, only in this version he makes this stupid
segment never happen. Showmiz interrupts things. Miz
points out how the show has devolved to this and
asks if the next thing is a Yodelling competition.
So she yodels. I hate her. It of course all leads to
them trying to show off bull riding and failing
miserably. Finally they do this thing where PEOPLE
WRESTLE and Jewel and Ty decide to make them defend
their titles against MVP & Henry…..after this word
from our sponsors.
Random Commercial Thought:
Those sludge commercials are so old now, get some
new ideas, guys.
Back to the match about to
get underway. God forbid we miss a SINGLE SOLITARY
SECOND of bull riding shenanigans, but at least
they’re going to let us see this match. We see Miz’s
rookie from NXT in the back before MVP and Henry
& MVP vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Showmiz (Tag
Team Title Match)
Miz gets beat down
by MVP early on, but he dives to the tag on Big
Show. MVP lays into Show, but eats a huge spear. MVP
takes some chops in the corner before Miz decides to
tag back in and work a headlock. Why is he resting?
Not enough sleep last night? Miz goes for a running
kick to a crouching MVP but MVP instead leaps up
into a big boot of his own. Henry and Show get the
tags. Henry punds into Show, delivering a head butt
and charging in with a splash in the corner, but it
hurts his bandaged arm and chest. MVP tries to come
in like an idiot, distracting the ref. Miz leaps in
and eats the World’s Strongest Slam while Show boots
MVP to the curb. Henry turns into a big fist to the
side of the head and that’s all she wrote. Besides
Aaaand back to
Random Commercial Thought: Dogs
can’t do that, they don’t have thumbs.
to the show where we learn the next Hall off Famer
is Wendy Richter. It took the power of Cyndi Lauper
to win her a title, who I never realized until now
was incredibly tiny. She’ll be inducted by Piper.
That should be insane. Also, Bret update has it he
broke his leg and IMPLODED. Or maybe that first
thing. Vince then responds to say he wanted to face
Bret and had nothing to do with the accident, but is
inviting Bret back to do a proper farewell. This is
of course paper thing and an obvious setup but
Status Quo is God.
Random Commercial Thought:
We could stand to ignore these.
Back to the
show where we learn Bret accepted, Cheech and Chong
will host and Orton will face Dibiase all next week.
Cena takes his time out while we get an extended
Slim Jim ad which these days I’ve noticed are being
shilled by Edge.
John Cena vs. WWE Champion Batista (Non-Title Match)
Cena charges and Batista just takes the safe corner
as the ref has to keep dragging him off multiple
times. Batista comes out of the corner with a kick
to the balls. Oh wait.
waited all night for this. I think this is actually
worse than giving the match away for free. Batista
runs Cena down with a kick to the head post-match,
but he isn’t Orton so it doesn’t kill him. Batista
just proceeds to beats on Cena until the show goes
off the airm including the use of a steel chair
Highlight of the Night: Christian is back on
Raw. I like that.
Lowlight of the Night: Bull Riding. Enough
WWE “Creative” Award: Great
booking. Having no big notable matches, and no main
event, but a full length bull riding competition.