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RAW RANT:
(02/22/10)
By Cameron Burge

Did you miss last night’s big show? If not, then you are probably praying for a match that doesn’t end with a BIG SHOCKING TWIST, as we had no fewer than three along those lines. Cena even managed to fit another title reign somewhere in there somehow. But hey, at least Cena and Batista can headline Wrestlemania now, just like you always wanted! Where are you going?

Raw 02.22.10


The little mix before the show has a Million Dollar Man sound bite added to it now. We get a recap off how Batista got the title before we are headed to theme and pyro. We learn Michaels plans to address super kicking Undertaker and there will be bull riding. It’s kind of like There Will Be Blood, but without anything good at all. Jericho is then introduced to us as the new World Heavyweight Champion, because his gimmick is showing up on Raw I suppose. Jericho points out he’s going to Wrestlemania in case you couldn’t figure it out and says he beat Taker two times in a row, which is more than Shawn Michaels can claim, surprisingly he doesn’t bring that up. Jericho continues to celebrate until he’s interrupted by Edge’s music, but then speared from behind by Edge who snuck in through the crowd. Edge says he’s going to Wrestlemania against him. I can’t help but feel this entire thing should have happened on Smackdown.

Cena wastes no time in limping out right after Edge slinks off in quite possibly the shortest attack and declaration ever. Nice segue, guys. Cena says to add him to the list of people Vince McMahon has screwed. Cena demands his rematch right now, saying he’s earned it because he is champion. This completely ignores Sheamus’ right for a rematch but good riddance to that guy anyway. Vince saunters out to provide counterpoint. Vince does eventually bring up Sheamus deserves a rematch too and says Batista won’t defend until Mania so Cena has to win a match tonight to get the title shot. Cena demands to know who he has to beat for the title shot. Vince tells him it’s Batista. Oh. So we’ll just go ahead and give that one away for free then I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: I always knew the King was just a loony in a mask who got loose.

Back to the show where after the bullshit cocktease we got last night for the Diva’s title, we get that match now.

Gail Kim vs. Maryse (Diva’s Championship Match)

Gail dodges an early corner charge by slipping to the apron. She delivers some shots to Maryse before putting her down with a clothesline for two. It looks like they are fighting in slow motions here for a bit before Gail hit’s a wrap-around corner splash. Maryse bashes her head on the turnbuckle before Gail tries to come back with her finisher, but Maryse holds the ropes to block. Maryse picks up a two count and Gail trips her up for a two count of her own. Maryse dodges a corner charge and Gail goes up top, bombing a cross body. Gail hurts herself in the corner while dodging. Gail delivers a small package when Maryse finally crawls up and gets a two count. Maryse charges into an elbow, and by charge I mean, walks slowly. I’m not sure if this injury was supposed to be real or not. Gail leaps onto her shoulders, but Maryse tosses her off to catch her chin on the top rope into the French Kiss for the win.
Winner: Maryse

Typical diva’s match. Slow for no reason at time, half of the moves looked botched.

Random Commercial Thought: Who do I unthink chicken?

Back to the show Vince McMahon is now Willy Wonka and giving away golden tickets. Unfortunately they neither involve killing children in ironic ways or taking over his company. Our hosts are in the back with some divas talking about riding the bull. The Bellas look confused not being able to practically hump the host while his wife is here. Their one use in existing is gone. Jillian Hall has a sing fight with Jewel and gets backslapped for it. Elsewhere: Randy Orton.

Cody is talking about how he wanted Orton to use the pipe and not Ted and also that he knew Ted would betray him. Orton says it’s his fault, not theirs, because he taught them too well and hasn’t been a leader. Has he ever taught them anything ever? He tells Cody to tell him he’s sorry and they will show everyone Legacy is on the same page now. Ted pops in after he leaves to ask how it went and Cody says he thinks it went too well before saying he’s still going with the plan. DUN DUN DUUUNNNN.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s like a serious version of Undercover Brother.

Back to the show where we get a still replay of Dibiase’s betrayal. Bourne, Kingston and Tatsu are out as a team to take on Legacy. Tatsu has been shifted to Raw from ECW.

Yoshi Tatsu & Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy

Tatsu starts with Dibiase and tags out to Bourne who picks up a quick two count. Dibiase puts him down with a suplex and Cody tags in. He taunts so Bourne kicks the shit out of him. Bourne puts on a small package but only gets one. He launches into some strikes in the corner and Rhodes comes back with an elbow. Bourne spines out of Crossroads to slam Rhodes down but Rhodes blocks Air Bourne and delivers a big back slam for two as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: So I finally looked up WWE NXT and now I hate myself for bothering. It is a dark thing. A dark thing.

Back to the show where Bourne is fighting back against Dibiase by sitting on his face. Don’t read too much into that. Kingston gets the tag and launches into Dibiase with clotheslines, chops and dropkicks. He fires up for the Boom Drop and Rhodes distracts the ref for Orton to pull Kingston down by the hair from behind. Orton tags in and scoop slams Kingston multiple times. Orton puts Kingston down for a bit with the inverted backbreaker while Rhodes and Dibiase whisper to each other in the corner. Orton stalks about Kingston and stares to Legacy before Rhodes tags himself in. Orton puts him down with the suspended DDT. Dibaise demands to know what just happened so he gets an RKO on the floor. Kingston makes a tag to Tatsu who annihilates Rhodes. Bourne comes in and plants Air Bourne for the three.
Winners: Tatsu, Bourne & Kingston

It’s pretty clear Tatsu was just here to be a body.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t have a hair fetish, Axe.

Back to the show where we get a recap of Michaels’ obsession. This video package is longer than some short films. I didn’t really need that much. Shawn says he won’t take up a lot of our time tonight (too late) because he doesn’t feel his explanation is complicated. He says he did what he had to and needed to and doesn’t care if it is popular. He says there are rumors of Taker being here tonight. Speak of the devil. I love how Taker did his full entrance just to randomly respond to someone. Not much our time, my ass. Shawn looks like a douche bag here in his cowboy shirt trying to be serious. Taker accepts the rematch but only on the condition Shawn put his career on the line. He says he wouldn’t have a career if he couldn’t beat him anyway so he accepts as well. Before they can even finish playing the gong for that, we fade to black as if going to commercial….and suddenly go to an ad for Cena’s match. Huh. Weird. Christian is seen in
the back as a new Raw superstar about to be competing to get into Money in the Bank.

Random Commercial Thought: Mmm, squished together fish paddies.

Back to the show. We get a replay of MitB moments. They pimp Christian’s rookie for NXT….I. Don’t. Care. Christian stares up at the briefcase and the man who is probably the most hilarious individual with a job on NXT. When was the last time he wrestled a match?

Christian vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool (MitB Qualifier Match)

Carlito catches Christian on the ropes, diving to the floor. He slides back in to pick up a quick two count. Carlito continues to hammer Christian around until he finally powers back with a clothesline. Christian slams Carlito out of the corner and chokes him out on the middle rope before dropping to the floor for a bitch slap. Christian lands a missile dropkick for two. Christian tosses Carlito from the apron back into the ring before going up top but a cross body bombs. Carlito hit’s a rising nee but Christian comes back with a reverse DDT for two. Christian prepares for the Killswitch but Carlito pushes him off. Christian goes two the middle rope only to be tossed off by Carlito. Carlito hits his swinging neck breaker for two. Christian tries for the Killswitch again but Carlito elbows out. Carlito leaps into his springboard elbow, but Christian catches it to the Killswitch again, Carlito escapes yet again but Christian tosses hi shoulder first into
the ring post, falling back into the Killswitch for the win.
Winner: Christian

We learn that Diva bull riding is going to be next. Well, goodnight everybody!

Random Commercial Thought: I live in constant fear that a pizza company will break my kneecaps with crowbars for trash talking them.

Back to the show for bull riding. Uhg. Hilariously, they greased the divas up for this crap. Nothing you care about happens. Instead, pretend they ran an episode of the Twilight Zone over this. I’m imagining that one with the kid who can alter reality, only in this version he makes this stupid segment never happen. Showmiz interrupts things. Miz points out how the show has devolved to this and asks if the next thing is a Yodelling competition. So she yodels. I hate her. It of course all leads to them trying to show off bull riding and failing miserably. Finally they do this thing where PEOPLE WRESTLE and Jewel and Ty decide to make them defend their titles against MVP & Henry…..after this word from our sponsors.

Random Commercial Thought: Those sludge commercials are so old now, get some new ideas, guys.

Back to the match about to get underway. God forbid we miss a SINGLE SOLITARY SECOND of bull riding shenanigans, but at least they’re going to let us see this match. We see Miz’s rookie from NXT in the back before MVP and Henry arrive.

Mark Henry & MVP vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Showmiz (Tag Team Title Match)

Miz gets beat down by MVP early on, but he dives to the tag on Big Show. MVP lays into Show, but eats a huge spear. MVP takes some chops in the corner before Miz decides to tag back in and work a headlock. Why is he resting? Not enough sleep last night? Miz goes for a running kick to a crouching MVP but MVP instead leaps up into a big boot of his own. Henry and Show get the tags. Henry punds into Show, delivering a head butt and charging in with a splash in the corner, but it hurts his bandaged arm and chest. MVP tries to come in like an idiot, distracting the ref. Miz leaps in and eats the World’s Strongest Slam while Show boots MVP to the curb. Henry turns into a big fist to the side of the head and that’s all she wrote. Besides murder.
Winners: Showmiz

Aaaand back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Dogs can’t do that, they don’t have thumbs.

Back to the show where we learn the next Hall off Famer is Wendy Richter. It took the power of Cyndi Lauper to win her a title, who I never realized until now was incredibly tiny. She’ll be inducted by Piper. That should be insane. Also, Bret update has it he broke his leg and IMPLODED. Or maybe that first thing. Vince then responds to say he wanted to face Bret and had nothing to do with the accident, but is inviting Bret back to do a proper farewell. This is of course paper thing and an obvious setup but Status Quo is God.

Random Commercial Thought: We could stand to ignore these.

Back to the show where we learn Bret accepted, Cheech and Chong will host and Orton will face Dibiase all next week. Cena takes his time out while we get an extended Slim Jim ad which these days I’ve noticed are being shilled by Edge.

John Cena vs. WWE Champion Batista (Non-Title Match)

Cena charges and Batista just takes the safe corner as the ref has to keep dragging him off multiple times. Batista comes out of the corner with a kick to the balls. Oh wait.
Winner: Cena

Glad I waited all night for this. I think this is actually worse than giving the match away for free. Batista runs Cena down with a kick to the head post-match, but he isn’t Orton so it doesn’t kill him. Batista just proceeds to beats on Cena until the show goes off the airm including the use of a steel chair multiple times.

Highlight of the Night: Christian is back on Raw. I like that.

Lowlight of the Night: Bull Riding. Enough said.

WWE “Creative” Award: Great booking. Having no big notable matches, and no main event, but a full length bull riding competition. Genius.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).