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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

February 21, 2011


Oh my God! Did you guys hear about the Elimination Chamber? Man! I can’t BELIEVE….how fucking predictable it was. Went exactly as you would have expected if you have an ounce of intelligence. John Cena is going to Main Event Wrestlemania? I’m so fucking shocked. Let’s hope they maybe throw the Rock into that as a referee or something.

Raw 02.21.11

Oh, look at that date, the day has come as they are saying. I can only assume this bodes the return of the Gobbledy Gooker. Clearly. The show opens with the ate and a number countdown that plays over the familiar trailer, promising it should end in about an hour. From here, the theme carries us into the pyro. The new opening really shows the holes with the roster of known stars as almost everyone appears in it about two or three times to make it look more interesting. I enjoy the sign that says The Dead Man has returned on it as the first sign shown as if they were trying to keep suspense.

John Cena is the first thing we get to a much duller reaction than usual. Josh Matthews is on with Cole again. I hope you’re used to them. I’m getting used to watching wrestling in complete silence. By the way, no, it’s not just a joke when I say I’ve muted he show. That is honestly the point where I hit my mute button because it has gotten too annoying. I just listen o the wrestler promos then. There’s a light “Rocky” chant in the background of the women and children. It gets way more powerful when they interrupt him. Cena pauses for it, then promptly ignores it to talk about Mania. He eventually gets around to saying Elimination Chamber and Miz are not what he’s been hearing about, it’s been what Rock said about him. Cena says he was gonna let it slide because he’s The Rock, and lets the footage of what he said roll again saying we should then decide what we do. Buy old wrestling DVDs and pretend it’s the good old days?

Well, it was the highlight of the show. Cena says he just realized he was making fun of him and should say something. Cena says there is only one way he knows how to call someone out and he hasn’t used his degree in Thuganomics in a long time, so we get an old school Cena rap. He has to lear his voice up a bit to get his good “Yo” on or something. He makes fun of movies like Tooth Fairy and other flops and makes some gay jokes and such. Actually it wasn’t too bad. It was nice to see Cena back in his older style. Cole and Matthews say that Cole is going to bury the hatchet and interview King in the ring later about his match last night. We get a shot of John Morrison pretending he’s Spiderman about to take out Bonesaw from last night as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: BOOOOONESAAAWWWW IS REAAADYYYY.

I just realized I have never listened to Morrison’s entrance theme past the opening guitar chord. It’s not very good. Morrison is limping to the ring after taking a beating to the knee in the cage last night. He was eliminated by Punk’s GTS. You guys can stop calling it the New Nexus now. Just Nexus will work. Punk is hobbling as well as they wrecked his leg too. He’s got some cut marks on his thigh.

John Morrison vs. CM Punk

Punk tries to cover his leg before they go at each other. Morrison takes advantage and beats him down into the corner. Morrison uppercuts Punk who dives to the floor and wracks Morrison’s knee on the apron. Punk chop blocks Morrison in the corner as Matthews and Cole start to fight about Punk. Speaking of which, Punk is pounding Morrison on he ground now and continues to work the knee. Apparently Matthews doesn’t know what Venom is as he compares Morrison to Spiderman and then Venom. I already did the first joke, and the second one is wrong, for I am King Nerd AND YOU WILL WORSHIP ME. Punk walks into some Morrison offense who beats him to the floor and just keeps pounding until he is dragged off. Morrison tries the running knee, but Punk blocks it with boot to the injured knee and the GTS for the win.

Winner: Punk

Punk calls out Randall Keith Orton. He says he gave Nexus the night off and wants Orton to come meet him before reminding Orton of when he was stripped of his title because of Orton. Punk points out how Wrestlemania is not in Orton’s future now and tells him to just walk away, because he doesn’t deserve it. He says Orton’s choice is to decide why he won’t be at mania, either because he will not face Punk, or because Punk will crush him next week so physically that he will be unable to show up. Orton dives out through the crowd onto Punk and goes for an RKO, but Punk rolls out to the floor and backs up the ring ramp. Orton has yet to figure out how to use the jump out of the ring command and just boucnes against the ropes in anger. Nexus arrive to protect Punk, but he valiantly “holds them back” as if they wouldn’t just all die to Super Orton.

Random Commercial Thought: Drive Angry will be awesome. Nicholas Cage is great.

Alberto’s ring announcer not only gets an introduction this time, he gets a bell ring for some reason. I love how the announcers are experts on cars and models whenever he comes out. Not free advertising or anything at all, nope. Kofi Kingston attacks Rio at the ring entrance and takes a shot from Ricardo with a microphone from behind. Rio slams Kofi’s arm into the ring steps and wraps it around the ring post to slam him into it a few times as well as taking it to the ring barricade. Rio removes the arm wrapping and puts the arm breaker back on. In case you are wondering why, Rio beats Kingston with the move last night and refused to break it for a long time. After the officials help Kofi, Alberto charges back down the ramp to slam him into the ring post one more time for good measure.

In the back, Miz and Riley chase off a random schmuck in the back. Twenty-three minutes left in case you care.

Random Commercial Thought: Suckerpunch looks like a movie specifically designed for morons. It also doesn’t have Nicholas Cage in it.

Miz starts us off as we return. Forty minutes of show. One about four minute match. Wow. Miz says people embarrassed themselves squealing like little girls over The Rock. Miz is pissed that Rock says he sucks and didn’t give him a great line. This from a guy who has “Really?” as a catchphrase. He gets a good one in by saying he’ll check his tears in the reflection of his championship gold. He says Cena and Rock have one thing in common, they are both icons that people love and he could care less what the fans think of him. He gives a speech about being awesome and the GM intervenes immediately following this. I’m not sure if Cole is growing more tolerable or if I’m just getting used to hearing him. The GM says he will deal with the Rock later before saying Rock and Sock was a good team, so the tag team titles will be defended by new Corre Champions against Miz and John Cena. I totally haven’t seen this storyline done before with Cena and anyone.

Bullshit.

Random Commercial Thought: Mila Jovavitch has never done anything better than anyone ever.
Back to the show where they show footage from WWE All Stars which is a cartoonish, over-the-top brawling game. John Cena looks like the incredible Hulk and they just put him over George Washington. I’m…speechless. I waited fifty minutes for a Bella Twins match? Fuck you, WWE!

Gail Kim & Eve Torres vs. The Bellas

The fight immediately spills to the floor where Eve knocks one of the Bellas out on the outside. Back in the ring, Gail takes out the other Bella with a leaping cross body. Cole talks shit on every face diva including Trish Stratus. The other Bella trips Gail off the apron when she tries to springboard as the legal Bella distracts the ref. Whichever Bella it is bombs a Hogan leg drop and bruises her ass. Eve and the other Bella tag in. Eve actually hits her stupid dropkick and follows it with cross body for two. Eve lands a standing moonsault but is distracted off fo the cover at two by the other Bella. Gail gets cheap-shotted in the corner, and Eve tries to roll up the Bella for a pin, but they force a switch on her into a small package for the win.

Winner: Bellas

Cole and Matthews seem o have switched roles here with Cole now being the disapproving of the cheaters. Make up your minds, you retards. Three minutes.

Random Commercial Thought: John Cena is in Marvel vs. Capcom 3 as well, except he’s green.

Even though it wasn’t a three minute beak, we now count down from twenty seconds until that door opens to reveal…Oh shit it’s the Undertaker! I’m fucking shocked. There’s some weird chanting or something. I can’t understand it. Must be French. We have the gong and fog. Is that a cross in the ring? Taker summons some lightning with his goddamn mind, because that’s how he rolls. Yeah, he’s got the “symbol” hovering over the ring. The only wrestler who wears eye shadow and is still considered a badasss. He failed to hold his eyes rolled back look though. He is suddenly interrupted though…by Triple H. what’s funny is this does not surprise me as I had actually expected it to happen. I had even considered the promos may not be taker at all, but just Triple H.

Trips charged the ring to no doubt take vengeance for Shawn Michaels. Combined entrance time: eight minutes. They stare down a long time and get face to face before Trips eventually looks up to the Wrestlemania sign and Taker looks there too. Taker scoffs and shakes his head before putting his hat back on and just starting to leave amidst some boos. He pauses and returns to face Trips and motion that he’s a dead man. Trips just tells him to suck it. This actually works, both as a progression from last Wrestlemania and as a non-verbal showdown.

Random Commercial Thought: Molest your plumber.

Back to the show for a replay of the stare down and the entrance of King Sheamus who apparently needs to remove “ended Triple H’s career” from his resume, because he got better.

King Sheamus vs. Mark Henry

Henry dives right into a bear hug. Henry just withstands a pounding before hoisting Sheamus up over his head and chucking him to the floor. Henry follows up outside with head butts and chucks Sheamus back into the ring who begs for mercy. Henry stalks over like an idiot and gets his knee kicked. Sheamus escapes a scoop slam and chop blocks the knee before running Henry down with an axe handle for two. Sheamus goes into Henry hard (ew). Sheamus chokes Henry out on the apron and delivers a running knee to he side of the head before following with the flying shoulder tackle for two. Henry slams Sheamus into the corner when he tries a sleeper and starts rolling into clotheslines and head butts.

Sheamus puts a stop to this, but runs into…a clothesline? Henry kinds jumped sideways. I don’t know what that was. Henry does, I swear to God, a STANDING FROG SPLASH on Sheamus that he misses. Henry kicks him in the side of the head and removes the turnbuckle cover only to be splashed into it by Henry. Henry finishes things off with he slam for the three.

Winner: Henry

Random Commercial Thought: There is no such thing as 4G.

Back to the show where we learn Miss America will compete on Tough Enough. So, no one cares. Sheamus gets pissed at Daniel Bryan in the back for laughing with Gail, thinking they are laughing about him. He says he’ll rip his head off in front of his girlfriend. Hall of Fame time. It’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Did he ever actually do anything of note? Do you think he can still catch that board with one hand if he tossed it that high? He’ll be inducted by Ted Dibiase. The good one. Cole climbs in the ring, because this is going to be WAY better than a match. Cole says he’s going to be the bigger man and he’s a journalist so he will conduct a professional interview because he is the voice of the WWE and proceeds to put himself over as better than every announcer he can remember, including Lawler.

Random Commercial Thought: Oh great, just what we needed, an animated show based off of the shitty Transformers movies.

Back to the show for Jerry’s entrance. Cole gives one of those Orson Wells claps. I’ve made it through three fourths of this show without the mute button. Can I finish? Cole asks what it was like to prep for the match. Lawler just tares at him dead pan with his hands on his hips. Cole preps another question to ask him how it felt to lose. More deadpan of course. Cole of course puts over Miz in the process and asks if it is time he retires. King looks angry. Cole gets serious and talks about his dead mother, saying no disrespect. The crowd shits on that pretty hard. Seriously. The hell? He says he let his mom down. I do that all the time. It’s an art form. King grabs him by the lapels and says if he ever mentions his mother again, it will b the last thing he ever says. King says he will compete at Mania and he doesn’t care if it gets him fired. He’s issuing a Wrestlemania challenge to Michael Cole. I told my friends last week that this match would happen. Why must I always be right even when it hurts? Cole says he’s senile and will never get him in the ring ever. Lawler chases him back to the announce desk and calls him a coward. Cole chucks a drink in his face and then runs through the crowd like he’s on fire.

Random Commercial Thought: Triple H is in a movie in case you forgot. Because they are going to keep reminding you.

Back to the show for our main event that no one wanted to see. King has joined Matthews at ringside. The Corre theme isn’t too bad. Their shirts….need work.

WWE Tag Team Champions Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel w/ The Corre vs. WWE Champion The Miz & John Cena w/ Alex Riley(WWE Tag Team Title Match)

Miz orders Cena to the ring apron and starts us off with Heath Slater. My God. I have never in my life wanted to see these two wrestle. Miz wrestles Slater to the ground, but Slater comes back with an arm wrench, only to be tossed out of it by Miz into an arm drag. Miz puts on an arm bar, but Slater rolls out, only to get stuck in a hammerlock. He runs Slater down while Cena lightly applauds the show of actual wrestling talent. Justin tags in and gets his ass kicked as hard as Heath did. Miz keeps staring back at Cena who wants a tag while he wrestles Gabriel around. Cena tags in and lays into Gabriel. Gabriel eats the bulldog for two. Cena no sells a back drop counter and just socks Gabriel in the jaw before power slamming him and staring bck to Miz who asks for a tag too now.

Miz charges in and delivers his hanging clothesline to more Cena applause. Miz prepares for the skull crushing finale and nails Gabriel with it as he stares down Slater. Slater looks like he’s going to get in and Barrett is yelling for him to, but he’s too intimidated. Cena looks shocked as he gets the three.

Winners: Cena & Miz

So glad the titles are important. They pose with the belts as we have ten minutes left so Wade invokes the rematch clause for the belts right now. The GM interrupts this though as Heath and Gabriel try to get back in. Matthews reads this for us as all it says is “ring the bell” so I’m glad they bothered to have this segment.

Random Commercial Thought: I need to buy some of the old Dr. Who series.

Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel w/ The Corre vs. WWE Tag Team Champions The Miz & John Cena w/ Alex Riley(WWE Tag Team Title Match)

Back to the match already in progress. Gabriel is getting his ass kicked by Cena, so he tags out to Gabriel who just looks amused. Heath tears into him, but Cena nails a cross body for two. He uses cross bodies? Miz tags in and they double team Slater in the corner with chest chops. Miz gets tripped hard by Jackson and Slater tackles Miz to pound on his head and dropkick him to the floor where he is surrounded by Jackson and Barrett. Riley distracts them, but Gabriel tackles Miz instead. Gabriel tags in and covers Miz for a quick two count. Miz suddenly no sells and springs to life, but a reverse Russian Leg Sweep from Gabriel stops this and gets two.

Double teaming ensues in the corner with Slater now the legal man. Wade gets a cheap shot in from the apron and Slater picks up two. Slater works a chin lock and Miz actually gets big crowd support to break free. He misses a clothesline though and eats a neck breaker from Slater for two. Slater drags him away from the tag and Gabriel switches in with a kick to the chest. Gabriel has seemed a lot weaker since he grew the hobo beard. Miz stops him short with the neck breaker/backbreaker, but Slater stops the tag short yet again. Slater scoop slams Miz and delivers knee drop to the head. Did they just call him the One Man Rock Band? HA! Whatever. Miz escapes a headlock but is again prevented from the tag and shoved into the Corre corner.

More double teaming and cheap shots ensue. Gabriel works a headlock and Miz tries another tag but is stopped by a headlock takedown. Miz fights out and is charged into the corner for his trouble by shoulder blocks from Gabriel. Miz tosses him to the apron where Gabriel springboard in, but eats a big boot to the face. Miz makes the tag and Cena comes in against Slater with the standard offense. Slater takes the shuffle and Miz suddenly counters the FU on Slater into a Skullcrushing Finale on Cena.

Winners: The Corre

At least they did that whole storyline they did with Edge in a single night. Much faster. I can’t believe I survived the whole night without hitting mute for once.

Highlight of the Night: Taker and Triple H face off. It runs pretty close to Cena cutting a rap on The Rock.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva Match!

WWE "Creative" Award: Who the hell writes a show with this few matches and has TWO OF THEM BE THE SAME MATCH. Horrendous and unacceptable.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).