Welcome to your weekly Raw
Rant. As if the Westminster Dog Show wasn’t enough
to remind you how truly sad most of humanity is
(says the man writing an article about sweaty,
half-naked men pretending to fight), tonight’s show
will be hosted by the master of all things degrading
to humanity (no, not Uwe Boll), none other than
Jerry Springer. It’s about time he got into the
wrestling biz, since booking “matches” is about all
he’s done his entire career already.
Show opens with someone
I’ve never heard of before, some jailbait that is a
“hometown sensation” which usually translates to
“rich daddy.” She sings the national anthem for
Presidents Day before the show opens proper with
theme and pyro. We get a bit of pimping for Springer
who promises to reveal the relationships of the WWE
(Trips is fucking the boss’ daughter! SPOILERS OMGZ).
Sheamus is out to ruin my day while we get a replay
of last week’s incident between him, Rhodes and
Orton. His opponent is Orton tonight. I have to
wonder who keeps spoon-feeding us this fucking match
as if demanding we watch it until we like seeing it.
Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-title
Sheamus powers Orton into the
corner and taunts so Orton uppercuts him. Sheamus
chases him down and pounds Orton down into the
corner with punches and knees. A clothesline puts
Orton down until he catches Sheamus with an elbow in
the corner. RKO chants pick up big until Orton runs
into a boot and eats a slopping clothesline to the
back of the head. Sheamus picks up a two count.
Sheamus sets up for his kick, but Orton ducks and
goes for the RKO, but Sheamus slips to the floor to
dodge as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: anyone sick of “awkward dude”
We return to Orton doing his
stalking stomps on Sheamus, but Legacy suddenly
appear. Orton gets distracted as Sheamus comes from
behind with a combination Sambo Suplex and back
breaker that he botches pretty badly. Sheamus
delivers forearms to the spine in the corner. Orton
comes back with a dropkick and starts stomping
Sheamus in the thigh. He delivers the inverted
backbreaker and prepares for an RKO. Sheamus falls
down to avoid the RKO then rolls to the floor. Orton
gives chase and Sheamus tries to throw hi into the
post only for Orton to slip free and send him into
it. Dibaise tries to get Sheamus from behind but
Sheamus fights him off. Rhodes attacks him from
behind as well, but the ref suddenly grows eyes to
repeat the last finish we had for this match.
The fans chant for an RKO and
Orton turns on them while they argue before
delivering one to Rhodes. Sheamus boots Dibiase in
the face and Orton puts Sheamus down with another
RKO. Wasn’t that a great waste of everyone’s time?
They both managed to invalidate anyone who paid to
see this match at the Rumble, and made it a
completely pointless rematch as well. Double header.
We see Bret Hart in the back on his way out as we go
Random Commercial Thought: I
know a guy who insanely yells random movie quotes
all the time. Oh wait. It’s me.
Back to the
show. We get a video recap of Cena/McMahon last
week, complete with the highly explosive sound
equipment. Following this, which takes way too
damned long, we cut to ringside for Bret in his ugly
green shirt. Bret talks about how Vince didn’t show
tonight, but if he had, he would have been waiting
for him wherever he was, like a stalker, but with
less of the sexual frustration (or so I hope). He
recaps his original good intentions but says Vince
is the worst liar that has ever existed before going
into an awkward analogy involving barrels. He thanks
everyone for giving him one last shot, but is
disappointed he couldn’t get one last chance. He
thanks Cena last and calls hi a friend. Is he the
friend of every famous motherfucker on the planet or
something? When does he have time to do anything
amidst having all these friends? Bret thanks us and
In the back, Bret runs into Kofi and
others who all thanks him for hanging around.
Including heels. Awkward. Where did Primo get that
“primo” suit? He eventually hooks up with Cena who
demands he stand up like a man who hasn’t broken his
back rather than walk off. He decides to go anyway
and Cena relents….before some stupid bitch backs her
car into his car door on Bret’s leg. The drama bomb
falls hard. We get a general clusterfuck of useless
people talking before he’s loaded in an ambulance
and hauled off.
Random Commercial Thought: I
need to know why he’s rapping. I need to know!
Back to the show for a replay of what just happened
in case you didn’t bother to suffer through the
excruciating boredom again. You know, if somebody
HIT MY LEG WITH A CAR, I would scream like a little
bitch instead of take it with cold indifference. We
ironically get Owen Hart voices for this and Cole
hilarious tries to call this the worst night of
Bret’s life. Yeah, the time he injured his leg in a
door and not the time he broke his back or his
brother died, or his dad died, or the time he got
fucked over in his home town. None of those. To
ringside for the new tag team champs.
Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. MVP & Mark Henry
Oh. Apparently they are
teaming again. MVP starts off strong, pounding Miz
into the corner. He stomps him down then sends Miz
to the floor to taunt as we go to commercial again.
Random Commercial Thought: Alien vs. Predator hasn’t
ran out yet? I remember when we stopped caring about
the concept when I was a kid. Do kids these days
even remember the movies for either franchise?
Back to the show. Miz is working over MVP and he
delivers a knee to the gut before trying to knock
Henry off the apron. He fails at both and gets a
back body drop from MVP. Henry is in now and catches
Miz out of a cross body with the World’s Strongest
Slam, but Big Show drops a leg to stop the slowest
three count ever. Henry rallies against Show as he
tags in with big bunches and a body splash in the
corner. He tries to hoist Show but Show elbows out
and plants him with a DDT. Probably the most
excitement I’ve seen out of Henry ever. Show bombs
his body splash out of the corner when Henry rolls
to the floor then tries to crawl back in like a
beached whale. He then takes forever to tag for some
MVP attacks Show and sends him into
the corner with a face buster. He hits his running
kick in the corner, but a second run has MVP running
into a kick from show. Miz tags in and picks up a
two count, but MVP rolls him up out of the pin for
Winners: Henry & MVP
like he’s gonna cry for a moment. More hype for
Springer even though the show is half over and I’ve
yet to see his out-dated ass anywhere.
Commercial Thought: If my father had a drill for a
hand, childhood would have been a lot different.
Back to the show. ECW ends tomorrow night. I’m
pretty sure half the fans don’t even know there is
an ECW. Springer is finally here. He’s going to do
the Springer show in the ring. Yeah. Sandwich break,
folks. I refuse to comment on any of this. At all.
Suffice to say it is stupid and pointless and I feel
dumber just for having seen it. The best part of the
segment is that the Westminster Dog Show alert is
running underneath Kelly Kelly while she talks about
being pregnant so you can change channels as quickly
as possible and avoid any more torture. I muted my
television. It was revealed they made it all up.
Fifteen minutes of my life.
Thought: Only Johnny Nitro/Morrison would train by
jumping off of walls.
Back to the show for
Kofi Kingston. His pants look like some kind of
hazardous waste container. The story here is Dibiase
got beat up last week and already earlier took a
boot to the head, so he’s at the disadvantage.
Ted Dibiase vs. Kofi Kingston
forces Kofi to the corner and starts kicking him in
until the ref pulls him out. Kofi tackles him with
some punches and hits a side suplex. Kofi puts in a
dropkick and Dibiase looks out of it as he stumbles
about to the ropes. Kofi comes back with more hard
blows, punches and kicks. Ted tries a clothesline
but whiffs and Kingston does an awesome trip up by
grabbing his ankles and sliding out of the ring.
Kofi comes off the top with a forearm and some chest
chops to a clothesline. Another flying clothesline
sets up for the Boom Drop. Kingston signals Trouble
in Paradise, but Dibiase won’t even stand as he
falls to the corner. Kingston goes for his leap on
in the corner, but Dibiase ducks and drags him off
the top for Dream Street.
The crowd is so dead you’d think Jeff Jarret was in
the ring. We reveal our next Hall of Famer in
Antonio Inoki, founder of New Japan.
Commercial Thought: The next one needs to be Bourne
to Be Wild.
DOG SHOW DID YOU FORGET YET?! We
come back to more Dog show ads and another replay of
Bret’s Leg: The Final Reckoning. We have a
long, time-consuming video package about the
Elimination Chamber. Springer then does a “Final
Thought” about the Elimination Chamber too. Because
we definitely needed hi to tell us. He’s signing out
after just half an hour? Way to put in the extra
Random Commercial Thought: ITT
Tech, for when you couldn’t pass real college.
Cena is out to sit and watch yet another video recap
of him and Batista. God, this show has been nothing
but video recaps and useless filler. He says we’re
all pulling for Bret Hart. He demands Batista come
out to face hi to see he wasn’t just making a
threat, it was a promise. Batista decides to appear
via Titantron instead in a vague sound studio
somewhere. They exchange some pretty half-assed
retorts until Batista reveals he’ll be at Raw next
week to face him. After this segment eats away some
more time, we finally get Triple H. Sir Not
Appearing On This Show: Shawn Michaels.
Random Commercial Thought: What the hell if Pollock?
Back to the show. Next week, our guest hosts will be
two celebs you don’t care about.
Triple H vs. John Cena
Cena works a
headlock on Trips that goes on too long until Trips
breaks free but Cena runs him down with a shoulder
block and goes to a headlock take down. Guys, the
resting is for after you actually do something. They
have to break on the ropes and Trips just repeats
eating a shoulder block before giving a knee to the
midsection on Cena on the rebound. At this point in
the match they both seem to be phoning this shit in
from Alaska. Trips hammers Cena into the corner and
Cena comes back with a fisherman’s suplex for a no
count. Cena is tossed out of his bulldog attempt
which just looks more like Cena hopped up and fell
on his ass than anything else since a shove that
light couldn’t move a child. Trips tries to drop a
knee but Cena blocks and catches it, trying to roll
over into the STF. Cena dumps Trips to the floor and
tries to dive out, but it’s more of a light jump
that has him running into the ring barricade. The
crowd is pretty dead here
despite what the
announcers try to tell us. Trips goes for a pedigree
on the floor, but Cena blocks and stops it with a
back body drop.
Random Commercial Thought: Goddamn Twilight.
Back to the match. Cena is in a sleeper, worked down
to the ground. He wastes little time in rallying
back and fighting free. Cena comes in with his usual
offense. Why the tie? I still don’t get it.
Post-shuffle, Cena tries for an FU, but Trips just
slips away and clobbers him with a clothesline for
two. Cena is set up on the top turnbuckle and Trips
goes for the superplex, but Cena fights him off.
Triple H just runs back in to rack him on the top
turnbuckle before returning to get the superplex
again. Cena powers free again and head butts out.
Before coming down with the guillotine leg drop for
two. Trips comes back with a half crab, but Cena
escapes into the STF. Trips makes the ropes pretty
quickly and Cena goes to setting up for the FU
Trips turns into it but grabs the
ropes to block. Cena drops the move, but runs into a
high knee and the face buster, followed by the spine
buster. Trips is really starting to be a Five Moves
of Doom player too, always doing those three in
succession these days it seems. Trips scoops Cena up
for a pedigree, but Sheamus steps in with the Pump
Kick on Trips.
proceeds to try one on Cena, but he ducks and goes
for an FU. Sheamus rakes the eyes to slip free and
puts hi down with the kick. We get it, you want us
to take him seriously. He puts Triple H out further
with his razor’s edge.
Highlight of the Night: The Westminster Dog
Show. I’m serious.
Lowlight of the Night: The 20 minutes of doom
that was Jerry Springer.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote
springer’s segment should be taken out in the street
and molested by a clown. Then shot. Out of a cannon.