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By Cameron Burge

Welcome to your weekly Raw Rant. As if the Westminster Dog Show wasn’t enough to remind you how truly sad most of humanity is (says the man writing an article about sweaty, half-naked men pretending to fight), tonight’s show will be hosted by the master of all things degrading to humanity (no, not Uwe Boll), none other than Jerry Springer. It’s about time he got into the wrestling biz, since booking “matches” is about all he’s done his entire career already.

Raw 02.15.10

Show opens with someone I’ve never heard of before, some jailbait that is a “hometown sensation” which usually translates to “rich daddy.” She sings the national anthem for Presidents Day before the show opens proper with theme and pyro. We get a bit of pimping for Springer who promises to reveal the relationships of the WWE (Trips is fucking the boss’ daughter! SPOILERS OMGZ).

Sheamus is out to ruin my day while we get a replay of last week’s incident between him, Rhodes and Orton. His opponent is Orton tonight. I have to wonder who keeps spoon-feeding us this fucking match as if demanding we watch it until we like seeing it.

Randy Orton vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-title Match)

Sheamus powers Orton into the corner and taunts so Orton uppercuts him. Sheamus chases him down and pounds Orton down into the corner with punches and knees. A clothesline puts Orton down until he catches Sheamus with an elbow in the corner. RKO chants pick up big until Orton runs into a boot and eats a slopping clothesline to the back of the head. Sheamus picks up a two count. Sheamus sets up for his kick, but Orton ducks and goes for the RKO, but Sheamus slips to the floor to dodge as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: anyone sick of “awkward dude” romances yet?

We return to Orton doing his stalking stomps on Sheamus, but Legacy suddenly appear. Orton gets distracted as Sheamus comes from behind with a combination Sambo Suplex and back breaker that he botches pretty badly. Sheamus delivers forearms to the spine in the corner. Orton comes back with a dropkick and starts stomping Sheamus in the thigh. He delivers the inverted backbreaker and prepares for an RKO. Sheamus falls down to avoid the RKO then rolls to the floor. Orton gives chase and Sheamus tries to throw hi into the post only for Orton to slip free and send him into it. Dibaise tries to get Sheamus from behind but Sheamus fights him off. Rhodes attacks him from behind as well, but the ref suddenly grows eyes to repeat the last finish we had for this match.
Winner: Sheamus

The fans chant for an RKO and Orton turns on them while they argue before delivering one to Rhodes. Sheamus boots Dibiase in the face and Orton puts Sheamus down with another RKO. Wasn’t that a great waste of everyone’s time? They both managed to invalidate anyone who paid to see this match at the Rumble, and made it a completely pointless rematch as well. Double header. We see Bret Hart in the back on his way out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I know a guy who insanely yells random movie quotes all the time. Oh wait. It’s me.

Back to the show. We get a video recap of Cena/McMahon last week, complete with the highly explosive sound equipment. Following this, which takes way too damned long, we cut to ringside for Bret in his ugly green shirt. Bret talks about how Vince didn’t show tonight, but if he had, he would have been waiting for him wherever he was, like a stalker, but with less of the sexual frustration (or so I hope). He recaps his original good intentions but says Vince is the worst liar that has ever existed before going into an awkward analogy involving barrels. He thanks everyone for giving him one last shot, but is disappointed he couldn’t get one last chance. He thanks Cena last and calls hi a friend. Is he the friend of every famous motherfucker on the planet or something? When does he have time to do anything amidst having all these friends? Bret thanks us and leaves.

In the back, Bret runs into Kofi and others who all thanks him for hanging around. Including heels. Awkward. Where did Primo get that “primo” suit? He eventually hooks up with Cena who demands he stand up like a man who hasn’t broken his back rather than walk off. He decides to go anyway and Cena relents….before some stupid bitch backs her car into his car door on Bret’s leg. The drama bomb falls hard. We get a general clusterfuck of useless people talking before he’s loaded in an ambulance and hauled off.

Random Commercial Thought: I need to know why he’s rapping. I need to know!

Back to the show for a replay of what just happened in case you didn’t bother to suffer through the excruciating boredom again. You know, if somebody HIT MY LEG WITH A CAR, I would scream like a little bitch instead of take it with cold indifference. We ironically get Owen Hart voices for this and Cole hilarious tries to call this the worst night of Bret’s life. Yeah, the time he injured his leg in a door and not the time he broke his back or his brother died, or his dad died, or the time he got fucked over in his home town. None of those. To ringside for the new tag team champs.

Unified Tag Team Champions ShowMiz vs. MVP & Mark Henry (Non-Title Match)

Oh. Apparently they are teaming again. MVP starts off strong, pounding Miz into the corner. He stomps him down then sends Miz to the floor to taunt as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: Alien vs. Predator hasn’t ran out yet? I remember when we stopped caring about the concept when I was a kid. Do kids these days even remember the movies for either franchise?

Back to the show. Miz is working over MVP and he delivers a knee to the gut before trying to knock Henry off the apron. He fails at both and gets a back body drop from MVP. Henry is in now and catches Miz out of a cross body with the World’s Strongest Slam, but Big Show drops a leg to stop the slowest three count ever. Henry rallies against Show as he tags in with big bunches and a body splash in the corner. He tries to hoist Show but Show elbows out and plants him with a DDT. Probably the most excitement I’ve seen out of Henry ever. Show bombs his body splash out of the corner when Henry rolls to the floor then tries to crawl back in like a beached whale. He then takes forever to tag for some reason.

MVP attacks Show and sends him into the corner with a face buster. He hits his running kick in the corner, but a second run has MVP running into a kick from show. Miz tags in and picks up a two count, but MVP rolls him up out of the pin for three.
Winners: Henry & MVP

Show looks like he’s gonna cry for a moment. More hype for Springer even though the show is half over and I’ve yet to see his out-dated ass anywhere.

Random Commercial Thought: If my father had a drill for a hand, childhood would have been a lot different.

Back to the show. ECW ends tomorrow night. I’m pretty sure half the fans don’t even know there is an ECW. Springer is finally here. He’s going to do the Springer show in the ring. Yeah. Sandwich break, folks. I refuse to comment on any of this. At all. Suffice to say it is stupid and pointless and I feel dumber just for having seen it. The best part of the segment is that the Westminster Dog Show alert is running underneath Kelly Kelly while she talks about being pregnant so you can change channels as quickly as possible and avoid any more torture. I muted my television. It was revealed they made it all up. Fifteen minutes of my life.

Random Commercial Thought: Only Johnny Nitro/Morrison would train by jumping off of walls.

Back to the show for Kofi Kingston. His pants look like some kind of hazardous waste container. The story here is Dibiase got beat up last week and already earlier took a boot to the head, so he’s at the disadvantage.

Ted Dibiase vs. Kofi Kingston

Ted forces Kofi to the corner and starts kicking him in until the ref pulls him out. Kofi tackles him with some punches and hits a side suplex. Kofi puts in a dropkick and Dibiase looks out of it as he stumbles about to the ropes. Kofi comes back with more hard blows, punches and kicks. Ted tries a clothesline but whiffs and Kingston does an awesome trip up by grabbing his ankles and sliding out of the ring. Kofi comes off the top with a forearm and some chest chops to a clothesline. Another flying clothesline sets up for the Boom Drop. Kingston signals Trouble in Paradise, but Dibiase won’t even stand as he falls to the corner. Kingston goes for his leap on in the corner, but Dibiase ducks and drags him off the top for Dream Street.
Winner: Dibiase

The crowd is so dead you’d think Jeff Jarret was in the ring. We reveal our next Hall of Famer in Antonio Inoki, founder of New Japan.

Random Commercial Thought: The next one needs to be Bourne to Be Wild.

DOG SHOW DID YOU FORGET YET?! We come back to more Dog show ads and another replay of Bret’s Leg: The Final Reckoning.  We have a long, time-consuming video package about the Elimination Chamber. Springer then does a “Final Thought” about the Elimination Chamber too. Because we definitely needed hi to tell us. He’s signing out after just half an hour? Way to put in the extra mile, Jerry.

Random Commercial Thought: ITT Tech, for when you couldn’t pass real college.

Cena is out to sit and watch yet another video recap of him and Batista. God, this show has been nothing but video recaps and useless filler. He says we’re all pulling for Bret Hart. He demands Batista come out to face hi to see he wasn’t just making a threat, it was a promise. Batista decides to appear via Titantron instead in a vague sound studio somewhere. They exchange some pretty half-assed retorts until Batista reveals he’ll be at Raw next week to face him. After this segment eats away some more time, we finally get Triple H.  Sir Not Appearing On This Show: Shawn Michaels.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell if Pollock?

Back to the show. Next week, our guest hosts will be two celebs you don’t care about.

Triple H vs. John Cena

Cena works a headlock on Trips that goes on too long until Trips breaks free but Cena runs him down with a shoulder block and goes to a headlock take down. Guys, the resting is for after you actually do something. They have to break on the ropes and Trips just repeats eating a shoulder block before giving a knee to the midsection on Cena on the rebound. At this point in the match they both seem to be phoning this shit in from Alaska. Trips hammers Cena into the corner and Cena comes back with a fisherman’s suplex for a no count. Cena is tossed out of his bulldog attempt which just looks more like Cena hopped up and fell on his ass than anything else since a shove that light couldn’t move a child. Trips tries to drop a knee but Cena blocks and catches it, trying to roll over into the STF. Cena dumps Trips to the floor and  tries to dive out, but it’s more of a light jump that has him running into the ring barricade. The crowd is pretty dead here
 despite what the announcers try to tell us. Trips goes for a pedigree on the floor, but Cena blocks and stops it with a back body drop.

Random Commercial Thought: Goddamn Twilight.

Back to the match. Cena is in a sleeper, worked down to the ground. He wastes little time in rallying back and fighting free. Cena comes in with his usual offense. Why the tie? I still don’t get it. Post-shuffle, Cena tries for an FU, but Trips just slips away and clobbers him with a clothesline for two. Cena is set up on the top turnbuckle and Trips goes for the superplex, but Cena fights him off. Triple H just runs back in to rack him on the top turnbuckle before returning to get the superplex again. Cena powers free again and head butts out. Before coming down with the guillotine leg drop for two. Trips comes back with a half crab, but Cena escapes into the STF. Trips makes the ropes pretty quickly and Cena goes to setting up for the FU again.

Trips turns into it but grabs the ropes to block. Cena drops the move, but runs into a high knee and the face buster, followed by the spine buster. Trips is really starting to be a Five Moves of Doom player too, always doing those three in succession these days it seems. Trips scoops Cena up for a pedigree, but Sheamus steps in with the Pump Kick on Trips.
Winner: Cena?

Sheamus proceeds to try one on Cena, but he ducks and goes for an FU. Sheamus rakes the eyes to slip free and puts hi down with the kick. We get it, you want us to take him seriously. He puts Triple H out further with his razor’s edge.

Highlight of the Night: The Westminster Dog Show. I’m serious.

Lowlight of the Night: The 20 minutes of doom that was Jerry Springer.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote springer’s segment should be taken out in the street and molested by a clown. Then shot. Out of a cannon.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).