WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day, dear readers. I do hope you are all cold and miserable and alone on this fine evening as most wrestling fans tend to be. Perhaps curling up with your best friend, good old Jack Daniels and his Russian Cousin, Krischov Vodka. At any rate, let's hope the WWE gives us a better gift than what I got this year (spoilers: it was syphilis!).

Raw 02.14.11

Cole opens the show to tell us that we will know the host tonight. They threaten it might be Justin Timberlake. For some reason, Cole is working with Josh Matthews here. We're getting Orton/Sheamus for the millionth time tonight and Truth will take on Morrison before Cena takes on Punk in a "there must be a winner" match. What a vague concept. That would imply he could just punch him in the balls again and have Punk win. Speaking of which, that's what is starting us off. Curiously, no mention of King has been made. We get a replay of Punk taking one in the balls and then fending off Nexus with the chair King gave him. Cole manages to not bitch about that before Cena gets on the microphone to thank King.

Cena gives a speech I don't listen to. I think he was implying gay sex between the GM and Cole. He also said he has no dick, but wasn't allowed to just use the Bill Murray clip, probably due to copyright issues and because the writers didn't want anyone to know they were ripping this shtick off. Cena recaps his year and says he lived off powdered milk and crayons while he was fired (for what? Two weeks?). Cena says Punk is the only one allowed to step into the chamber at the PPV though so Nexus won't be able to help him, and lo and behold here comes Punk. Punk says he doesn't need help and good things happen to good people even in the WWE before they get ready to go.

John Cena vs. CM Punk

Cena forces Punk into the corner as Cole has taken the new strategy of just ignoring Josh Matthews entirely which at least makes their banter a little more tolerable. Cena invites Punk out and annihilates him. He manages to slam himself into a post though in the process and fall to the floor. Punk gives chase and leaps from the apron into a flying clothesline. 

Random Commercial Thought: Punk's green outfit makes him look like a diamond-themed cousin of the Riddler.

Punk is picking up a two count and delivers the world's slowest vertical suplex for another two count. Apparently he kicked Cena in the chest for that earlier cover. Punk botches a bridge into a cover on Cena for another two count. Forgot the part where he actually folds the other guy over instead of just laying on top of him backward. Punk works a body scissor now, but Cena powers him off and starts to counter into the STF, but Punk scrambles the ropes before he gets it on and trips Cena up to stand on the back of his head. Punk taunts and winds up into some Shane punches followed by a kick.

Cena powers back after some Punk taunting and goes into his offense. I like how Cole is suddenly not doing his hyper heel character at all and is even ignoring stuff mentioned by Matthews about King and Miz. Maybe somebody finally told him to mellow the fuck out. Punk takes the shuffle, but escape the FU and delivers a heel kick for two. This time he decides a head scissor would work better as Cole randomly reminds us Punk has a head submission called the Anaconda Vice. Cena stands up, looking like he might Electric Chair Drop, but Punk slips off only to take a gut wrench power bomb for two. Cena goes up top for a guillotine leg drop, but Punk kicks him off and hit's the Pepsi One, but Cena shoves off the bulldog and goes for an STF. Punk slips free and scores a swinging neck breaker for two.

Punk scoops Cena for a GTS, but Cena escapes into a schoolboy for two. Punk heel kicks in the stomach, followed by twin kicks to the head for another two count. Cena chants build while Punk slowly climbs up top. Cena rolls through a cross body and catches Punk up into the FU, but Punk grabs the ropes and slips to the apron only to be shoved to the floor where a hand slips him a chair from beneath the ring while the ref is with Cena. The Ref discards the chair when he tosses it in the ring, but Punk scores a wrench as well and nails Cena with it before finishing with the GTS.
Winner: Punk

Cole hilariously says it isn't cheating if he uses a wrench. Oh, we're back to the idiot bantering now between them. Oh yay. Cole finally says King is not here because King's mother died so he is taking time off this week. Oh, that's why he's not talking shit. Come on, Cole. You were talking all that gooood shit before, nigguh! Also, stop hyping random-ass celebs as the host. Why the hell would we care if it is Johnny Depp?

Random Commercial Thought: All of my padlocks have pictures of random dudes in place of the numbers too.

Back to the show for Ricardo Rodriguez and Alberto who I feel like has been on this show more than Smackdown. I have to give it to Smackdown for constructing the single most uninteresting and bland elimination chamber lineup I have ever seen in my life, and that includes the one that featured a "shaved" Kevin Nash. Alberto gets on the microphone saying he doesn't care who he will be up against at Mania to fulfill his new destiny of winning the title. Edge decides to answer this claim.

Edge says he almost forgot that Alberto beat him with a guitar while he was raping Ziggler in the face on Smackdown. Edge says he has a destiny too and then tackles Alberto and beats the shit out of him before getting the crazy eyes. Edge decides to finish with a spear, but is distracted by knocking Ricardo out. Rio rakes the eyes when Edge tries to chase him down, but gets sent flying into the ring barricade. Vickie decides to show up and introduces Dolph as the new champion because Edge used a spear to win his match against Ziggler on Smackdown while she was injured or something. She says Ziggler will have a coronation as champion on Smackdown. Vickie says she has proof that Edge assaulted Teddy Long and then cackles like some kind of super villain. Weird. 

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic the Hedgehog needs to learn to fly to be less useless.

Back to the show for a Lumberjill match. Yeah, I'm not impressed either.

Natalya vs. Diva's Champion Eve Torres (Diva's Championship Lumberjill Match)

Eve makes her bland entrance and shakes hands with Natalya in the hopes that charisma or talent might rub off. They both do headlocks and flip out before doing dropkicks at the same time. Lame. Natalya monkey flips into a series of two count and works a waist lock on Eve who realizes she can just turn around and takes Natalya down into a hammerlock. Natalya pulls Eve's legs out from under her in the corner, leaving her to face plant before giving us the old Mexican surfboard. Eve then stands on Natalya's feet in a weird little move before rolling into a two count. I'd have sex with Natalya, I don't see what's wrong with her.

Eve gets a senton for two. Natalya winds into a spinning clothesline for two on Eve before Eve tosses her to the floor where the Bellas attack her with fury. They are wearing pants for once also they are wearing evil black. The face divas try to help, but Eve cross bodies onto all the heels to save Natalya. Maria appears to have hurt her face, I don't know if that's legit. Back in the ring, Eve tosses Natalya to the corner who kind of walks over to it and puts her foot up as if she had to stop and then they bump heads. Natalya rolls into an Oklahoma roll, but Eve counters it into a weird just laying cover for the three that was about as believable as anything else she did.
Winner: Eve

They shake hands afterward though Natalya looks pissed about it. Exactly why is Eve champion again? She has no charisma and very little in-ring ability, not to mention she won the belt in the most half-assed random way. Do we really need to have a Laycool/Eve feud this badly?

Random Commercial Thought: The Ninja Turtles should do more Christmas Specials.

Back to the show. Laycool are up in Eve's face, making fun of her wonder woman outfit. They start choking her and beat her ass. Uh. Okay? They attack and Gail joins in as does Natalya. The referees bravely dive into the middle of this and roll around with them while doing mostly nothing to stop it. Such brave men. Bathroom break for The Chaperone preview. Oh great, Mark Henry. Oh great, Sheamus. Sheamus attacks Henry during his entrance and flattens him with the pump kick. Sheamus says that is a reminder to the chamber contestants, but a bigger one will come when he faces Orton. The refs hoist Henry up, surprisingly without the use of a crane, but Sheamus flattens him again with another kick.

Random Commercial Thought: I've got 

Oh, Cole is back to talking shit on Lawler. I guess now that Miz is here, he gets a free reign to talk shit. Cole actually gets his microphone covered by someone at one point before Alex Riley joins us on the microphone. Oh joy of joys.

WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. US Champion Daniel Bryan (Non-Title Match)

Well, mute button being hit now. Miz goes to a headlock right away and runs Bryan down with a shoulder block. Bryan looks exasperated, Bryan comes back with arm drags and a few dropkicks. Miz powers back with a big boot to the jaw to shut Bryan's offense down and go into a series of kicks and stomps. Miz works a chin lock and camel clutch. Bryan escapes and goes for a rear naked choke, but Miz makes the ropes. Bryan starts delivering kicks to the spine, but Miz stops him with a reverse elbow for two. Miz grounds Bryan out with a headlock. Bryan backflips out of a corner and comes back against Miz, running him down with a clothesline and dropkick in the corner for two. Miz begs in the corner while Bryan raises his fist, which is both a dorky Flair moment, and way out of character for Bryan. Bryan dumps Miz to the floor, but Miz runs from a suicide dive. Bryan stops himself and instead leaps off the apron onto Miz. I would say with what move, but it was
more of just a leap really with no move.

Back in the ring, Bryan goes up top and missile dropkicks Miz into a two count. Miz catches Bryan with a jawbuster when he gets up, but Bryan catches him with the LaBell Lock. Miz makes the ropes and catches Bryan through the ropes but delivering a neck breaker over the ropes that sends Bryan all the way to the floor in a really cool spot.

Random Commercial Thought: I'm surprised they actually let this match run.

Miz is setting Bryan up in the corner as we return and goes for a superplex, but Bryan blocks it and fights Miz off before countering into a sunset flip from the top for two. Back on his feet, Bryan delivers sharp kicks to the chest over and over until he's just beating the shit out of Miz with the kicks. Miz ducks a finisher kick though into a schoolboy for two. Bryan tries to charge back only to be caught in a small package for two. Miz ducks a clothesline into his back breaker neck breaker, but Bryan escapes at the back breaker and levels Miz with a kick to the head after throwing him off. Miz blocks another LaBell lock. Bryan leapfrogs onto Miz's back, but is sent flat onto the ground where he stands back up into the skull crushing finale for the win.
Winner: Miz

Holy shit, he won clean. Miz says he would like to offer his sincere condolences to Jerry Lawler and he hopes Jerry doesn't use the whole dead mom thing as a reason for getting wrecked at the PPV. He talks for a bit more before we head to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bring back Crystal Pepsi.

Back to the show where Otunga and Mike are in the ring while Mason Ryan stands at ringside with his chin jutting out as if he's posing for a Mount Rushmore carving. Morrison arrives as I'm a little confused as to what is going on. They said Morrison and Truth would be competing against each other earlier, but apparently not. 

Otunga & Mike McMouse w/ Mason Ryan vs. John Morrison & R-Truth

Apparently the GM made this match during the break. Truth starts off with Mike and delivers some flying clotheslines. Mike knees him in the gut after forcing him to the ropes. Truth comes back with a hip toss and Otunga distracts the ref before Ryan trips Truth and Mike tosses him to the floor. The ref hilariously looks at Ryan who is now stalking Truth and then TURNS AWAY ON PURPOSE to go talk to Mike who is doing nothing, not even trying to get his attention. Ryan of course then kicks the shit out of Truth. Mike drags slams Truth into the side of the ring afterward and takes the fight back inside for a two count. 

Otunga tags in for some double teaming in the corner and delivers a vertical suplex for two. Oh god, they are fighting over the Punk match ending again. Mute, save me. Truth fights out of a hold and delivers a back suplex to Otunga. Morrison tags in and tackles Otunga, destroying him with punches. He tackles him again for more punches. Otunga rolls to a tag on Mike who gets dragged in by Morrison for more of the same. He kicks Mike down and starts pounding on him viciously. Morrison stomps the shit out of Mike until the ref drags him off after warning him. He then kicks Mason Ryan in the teeth just for fun and throws Truth at them, because that's about all he was good for. Mike eats the running knee and that's all she wrote.
Winners: Truth & Morrison

Mason Ryan shoves Morrison from behind, but Truth and Morrison kick his ass to the floor. You know, that black ref looks like the sidekick from Psych. Oh cool, the new Jericho book is coming out this week.

Random Commercial Thought: MvC3 is out at Midnight and it's going to be badass.

Back to the show for some random chick from some show I've never heard of. Khali Kiss Cam? I'll be back in a bit. Apparently Yoshi Tatsu got some from Maryse and William Regal kissed Zack Ryder. It was mostly pointless, and also involved implied pedophilia from Hornswoggle….NEXT!

Random Commercial Thought: We need to have more mainstream movies with entire casts of white people to offset every movie Tyler Perry has ever made.

Back to the show. 

King Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

They tie up and just fall onto the floor until they are swatting at each other in the corner on the ground like girls. Weird way to start. Sheamus powers back when they get to their feet, but Orton delivers the funniest Lou Thesz press. Apparently he just jumps and thrusts his dick into Sheamus' chest. Sheamus avoids a knee drop and delivers some punches to Orton. Orton lazily walks into his backbreaker and delivers a knee drop that hits this time for two. Sheamus trips Orton into the corner and it's hard to describe how phoned in this match looks. Several matches have looked like this tonight. Sheamus chokes Orton out for a bit.

Sheamus ties Orton up in the ropes and hammer shim on the chest for a while before delivering a running knee to the side of the head and following up with his slingshot shoulder block for two. Sheamus works a headlock and wrestles Orton down to the ground. Orton fights free and runs into a big boot, but decides to no sell that and just go into his clotheslines and power slam. Sheamus comes back with the Irish Curse for a two count. Sheamus delivers a superplex that actually hits much to my surprise. Orton completely no sells this and springs up into an RKO when Sheamus comes to follow up for the win.
Winner: Orton

Who needs psychology? Punk decides to spear Orton into the corner after the match as Nexus beats him down. Morrison joins the fight and tackles Punk. Nexus move to him, but Truth makes the save, followed by Cena. Orton is up and starts dropping Nexus members with RKOs. Orton and Cena drop Ryan to the floor. Punk tries a GTS on Orton, but he slips free and shoves Punk into the FU from Cena. Morrison and Truth wandered off somewhere during this. We see a limo arrive supposedly carrying out host, but it's just a pair of high heel shoes and legs, so I assume it is the mom from Cow and Chicken.

Random Commercial Thought: I wish I had a Batman movie to tide me over for this year.

Back to the show for the big announcement of the host. They very slowly shut off all the lights in the house for this, even the video trons. If you're reading this, you know by now who it is. You didn't wait this long. It's The Rock. The crowd of course craps themselves collectively. I'm surprised he took time off from driving kids to mountains to join us here. He does his spiel you will all remember, including three "Finally" moments. He runs down all of his nicknames for those who don't know. By that he means, all the little kids that are too young to know who was a top star over seven years ago. He says he's back not for money or for a movie, but because of the fans. The money helped. He promises he will never go away now. Big promise. Better hope he gets on that immortality. Oh wait, Immortal was Hulk Hogan's thing. How is that working out for him?

He said Vince McMahon thought only Justin Beiber was electrifying enough to host Mania. Haha. This reminds me why he's got good comic timing. The censor only managed to bleep "Peep" from "People's Champ" when trying to mute his "ass" comment. Way to go. He promises to lay some smack down, but hasn't decided who it will be yet. He starts off by going to town on the Miz, and then says there is one more man the Rock wants to see. The GM then interrupts things. Cole cackles like a loon here. Rock says he will slap the taste out of his mouth if he takes one more step toward the computer. He gets big chants and cheers for this of course. He's getting onto the two biggest heels on Raw. 

He threatens to shove the computer up Cole's ass on Facebook. I'm not yet sure if I want to see that or not. Depends on the angle. He gets back to that one man he needs to see face to face. Is it Hornswoggle? It's John Cena of course and he references Cena talking trash on him once. There's a pretty huge Cena Sucks chant here and it actually manages to drown out the regular cheers. Quote of the series: "A blind-folded, stuck in the basement, Stevie Wonder could see your monkey ass." I enjoyed the kid in all Cena gear giving a big thumbs down to Rock during his closing lines. 

Highlight of the Night: Miz and Bryan put on an awesome match, but come on, The Rock is awesome on the microphone and always will be.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva match was horrendous.

WWE "Creative" Award: Jerry's mom really better have died, or whoever wrote that is an asshole.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.