WWE
RAW RANT:
(02/08/10)
By Cameron Burge

And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose. Also Raw. In case you didn’t read WWE.com over the last week, you would be unaware that after the show last week, John Cena did finally come out to eat a Batista Bomb as we build toward what is purportedly going to be a tag match between the four individuals at either the next PPV or Wrestlemania.

Raw 02.08.10

Show opens with Bret Hart recap footage. Since we need to completely repeat what we did the last time we had  NASCAR drivers, Carl Edwards show us he can cut donuts in an expensive car as well. Color me not impressed. I believe you’ll find it in the Extra Super Large 2000 Crayola pack right next to “Toilet Shit Brown”. The car is driven in by Hornswoggle through some weird logic they don’t bother to explain. Like how we were able to see his head in the window while driving. Edwards arrives and does his backflip off the top rope that King and Cole assure me is something he does after winning a race. He pimps the Daytona 500. Nobody cared. He name drops Cena and is interrupted by Sheamus.

Cole tells me that the Elimination Chamber is now “malignant” like cancer. As part of some kind of “Crisis Crossover” we have going on into Wrestlemania, Christian in trun interrupts Sheamus. I wonder if anyone has considered that a silver belt all but flaunts the belt as “second tier” behind the others in large pink letters. Sheamus is not amused at being interrupted. Christian says he’s here because Edge didn’t even mention him or his title as a possibility because he’s offended and now he realizes ECW will be going off the air to be replaced by NXT (The Next Evolution of WWE Programming). Sheamus says this makes him a lame duck champion. Edwards stands awkwardly through this, patiently awaiting his next line. Christian notes that every star on ECW is going to be allowed to buff out the rosters of any show they want to and he says the Raw Peeps are missing him. He’s challenging Sheamus tonight, he also notes they are both born
 without last names. Good point. Edwards makes the match for right now.

ECW Champion Christian vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-title Match)

Sheamus just powers out of a tie up and taunts. He takes control with some big shot but runs into an elbow. Sheamus catches the follow up cross body to deliver a fall away slam. Christian is sent over the ropes to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The Superbowl Commercials were merely a continuation of our culture’s heel turn in sexist media. Yeah I said it. Pop a Midol and shut the hell up.

Back to the show. Christian comes back by sending Sheamus to the floor before diving from the top rope to the floor onto Sheamus. They are both up but Sheamus pulls Christian’s shoulder into the ring post and slams him to the wall after a count reset. Back in the ring, he continues to assault the shoulder with stomps and knees, picking up a two count. Sheamus puts on a hammerlock, mostly because he probably doesn’t know any other holds. Cole has the AUDACITY to tell us Sheamus is better than many of the Hall of Famers who have held the belt. I’m speechless.

Christian fights loose, kicking Sheamus down and coming back with some strikes. He baseball slides between the legs and delivers a big right. Sheamus tries to dump him to the floor but Christian gets the apron and hangs him up on the ropes. Christian delivers a flying elbow to the face off the tope and goes to some mounted punches. Christian is caught in a cross body but he escapes. Sheamus finally shuts him down with a clothesline, but the corner charge is dodged. Sheamus eats a tornado DDT off the top and Christian picks up the two before firing the crowd. Killswitch is blocked, but Chrstian hangs onto the apron. Christian goes for another dropkick off the top, but Sheamus dodges. Chrstian lands and is sent shoulder-first into the corner. The crowd dies flat as Sheamus delivers the “pump kick” and the “Move that refuses to be named” for the victory.
Winner: Sheamus

Unfortunately it was clear from the get-go that Christian was just here to provide more “legitimizing” for Sheamus to make him look good. You can feel the palpable X-pac heat in the air. Trips is watching things in the back, back in DX gear, when Shawn approaches, also in DX gear. He apologizes for his distraction with Taker lately. Shawn wants DX to be a part of Wrestlemania for the first time, but Trips says he’s going to win the title before Mania. Shawn is angry because it’s all about Trips now (Surprise?!) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bioshock, abuse little girls to 20’s music.

Back to the show. Realizing that the footage they didn’t show us last week is kind-sorta necessary, they decide to run it for us with Cena getting his ass beat all over the arena and eventually power bombed onto some stairs. Have you ever wondered who sits around with thirty seconds of footage and Adobe After Effects and makes these little video packages? Elsewhere, Cody brings up to Ted that he’s already beaten Mark Henry and he has to fight Cena. Ted brings up he must be better than Cody since he’s in the chamber. All while never bothering to counter the argument at hand. Perfect logic. Orton arrives and reveals Ted has been paired with Cena by Edwards tonight. Orton and Cody have a heart to heart about his fail as of late before revealing they have a match with each other tonight. Punk and…whoever that other guy is are walking through the back as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Look out for snakes.

Back to the show where CM Punk and the “other guy” I have yet to care about is here. I should really watch Smackdown more. He preaches about drugs and alcohol. Remember kids, Drugs and Alcohol are awesome! Don’t be a an unlikable douche like Punk. Speaking of Straight Edge, has he ever heard of a straight edge razor? That homeless beard is awful. He points out Jared from Subway is here. He’s putting the weight back on I see. Punk wants Jared to be his Straight Edge spokesperson. Uh. Why? Punk has Luke and Serena go after him (See how quickly I learned those names with the power of the interwebs?). DX interrupts via entrance and as all wrestlers are contractually obligated to do, they completely pause in doing anything to watch. Miz and Big Show arrive immediately afterward. Before the match even starts, DX clears the ring of the heel teams and we head commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Fox News is eating away at the brains of America like a burrowing insect.

Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X vs. Big Show & US Champion The Miz vs. Straight Edge Society (Elimination Tag Team Triple Threat Match)

Back to the show where Michaels is getting annihilated, but he escapes and makes a tag to Trips. Gallows, Show and Trips all come in to square off. Trips taunts them both and goes into Show with Gallows. Show head butts them both around and nails Gallows in the gut while Trips takes a breather. Gallows eats a chop in the corner and Trips gets one as well. Big clothesline on Gallows as Trips rallies into punches on Show. Show bends over for fifty years to set up a face buster. Show back body drops out of the following pedigree, sending Trips to the floor. Gallows dives to a tag on Punk…and we go back to the commercial. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Time these breaks better, you assholes.

Random Commercial Thought: Why did turning into a wolf-man break his fingers to the side? The wolf man has normal hands.

Back to the show. Miz is working over Trips and Punk. Punk is thrown into the corner where he eats a boot from Trips and Trips then delivers a clothesline to Miz. The replay blocked off too much of the screen for me to see clearly what happened but Trips is taking a rest outside again. Miz gives a clothesline to Punk and goes to the apron. Serena pulls him off, nailing his face on the edge. Miz chases but eats a spine buster from Triple H. Show chases Serena off shortly after. Trips makes a tag to Michaels. Michaels comes in with his usual offense on Punk. Michaels decides not to leap up this time since it cost him. He bombs his elbow drop badly, landing pretty much on his feet then sort of sliding down to the elbow. Gallows stops the super kick. He’s sent to the floor by Trips. Punk tries a GTS, but Michaels escapes and nails the kick for the three.

Show clotheslines both of DX and taunts Shawn. Shawn gets pissed and delivers some big chops to Show who just shoves him back down with a head butt. Michaels gets choked out on the ropes and Miz takes some cheap shots behind the ref’s back. Michaels rallies back and blocks a big corner charge with a foot. The second charge has Show catching a big boot to the jaw again. Show comes back with a side suplex. Miz makes the tag now and puts him down with his running kick to a seated Michaels for two. For some reaons they feel a need to show us a replay of every fucking thing that happens in this match. It’s getting annoying. Miz blocks a crawl to the tag and Miz puts him down with a neck breaker. Michaels blocks the Skullcrushing finale and elbows out. Big Show makes the tag and just tosses Michaels back with one hand, but behind him Michaels lands on his feet and catches him with the super kick. Michaels makes the tag. Trips is in on Miz and delivers a
 big knee followed by the face buster and spine buster after he knocks Show from the apron. Michaels tags back in and argues with Trips that he can do it so obviously Miz pushes him into Trips in the corner for the roll up and the win.
Winners: Miz & Big Show

This was so blatantly obvious you could have predicted this finish last week. Michaels leaves to have a emo fit and write poetry.

Random Commercial Thought: Please don’t rap about tacos. Ever.

Back to the show. Show talks about how more awesome Miz is than Jericho. Miz calls their team the Miz Show and Show says he likes Showmiz better and they decide to go with that. Uh. Sure. Why not. It’s not any -lamer-. We get a rundown of the Elimination Chamber card. HBK runs into Teddy Long in the back who was here earlier watching the tag match. Shawn demands to be traded to Smackdown so he can be put in the chamber, win the title and get his rematch with Taker at Wrestlemania. Teddy tells him he’s being ridiculous. I love how Carlito is in the background throughout this posing. He grabs Long by the lapels and Trips intervenes to say the obsession has gone too far because he’s throwing DX and his career away. Shawn says his career is over then super kicks Long and leaves. Nice sell, Teddy, you took it like a champ. Since that was obviously WAY TOO MUCH ACTION TO HANDLE, it’s time for more commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell do they think the Wrestling demographic is anymore with these things?

We come back to a replay of Gail Kim getting her chance for the title and a recap of Michaels’ kicking Long. I notice this time Carlito was standing right behind Long for some reason and fell behind him.

Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim

No introduction, just a bell. Couldn’t get any more lackluster than that. Maryse is at the desk during this. In fact uh, this match wasn’t worth recapping. They tumbles around a bit with Gail falling out of a power slam into her finisher on Jillian.
Winner: Kim

Maryse continues the “Nice girl” thing she did last week saying how much she is looking forward to having a good match. She speaks some French for some reason. Gail should speak Japanese or whatever crazy moon-speak the “Koreans” use. She doesn’t bother to explain what she just said and offers good luck and a hand shake. From that we go straight into the next inductee to the Hall of Fame, and we’re starting it off strong with the original Ted Dibiase. I like how much it tries to underscore the existence of his manservant.

Random Commercial Thought: Court settlements should all end in pizza.

Back to the show. Edwards is hanging with Jared to push the subway sandwiches as hard as fucking possible and sing the song with Santino. Jared gives Santino a “Footlong Nation Appreciation Footlong Cash Card”. That was word for word what he said. Santino says Swagger must pay. Edwards makes a match between them on…Superstars. I don’t even know what CHANNEL that show is on. Kofi is in now to reveal he has no match. Yep. Thanks for that. Kingston says he doesn’t mind the week off to prepare for the Chamber. Edwards agrees with his idea to have random singles matches for everyone in the chamber next week. He can’t decide to make them now or let the next host do it. Santino says to leave it because whoever it is probably is associated with class and civility. Did we mention Jerry Springer is hosting? He appears via video to reveal it. The truck guy forgets to turn the sound back on for them when we cut back and they speak in silence. King
 remarks they were “speechless”. That guy was subsequently fired.

Now to Rhodes for his match with Orton. Vacuous Personality meets Vacuous wrestling. I’m afraid this may form some kind of Suck Vortex like in Twister.

Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton

Orton shoves Rhodes and stalks him around as they talk all angry faced at each other. He keeps shoving him around before giving a slap. Rhodes delivers a dropkick and goes for a quick two. Orton is forced to the corner and punches his way out. Rhodes puts him back down with a Russian leg sweep for two. Rhodes is dumped back into the ropes awkwardly and Orton kicks him to the corner. Rhodes fights back and sets up for a cross body off the top but he bombs it. Orton signals the RKO is what is still a ridiculous way. Sheamus then runs into the ring and then slides back out as Rhodes comes from behind with Crossroads for three.
Winner: Rhodes

Huh. Sheamus puts Orton back down post-match with the pump kick and looks to drag him back up for the Move That Shall Not Be Named but Rhodes runs him off with a chair. Cody seems to be completely unclear which character alignment he’s running this week and just stands there with the chair. Sheamus takes this slowly walking posture as “He really fucking means it!” and runs scared. We get another video recap of Cena before seeing him on the way to the ring for his match.

Random Commercial Thought: I want to bring up again that I have no desire to buy women’s deodorant.

Edwards repeats the bit about singles matches. He puts Sheamus against Orton, Dibaise against Kingston and Cena against Triple H, because we haven’t seen that one enough. Dibiase is in the ring already. He’s doomed. Cena comes to the ring and just annihilates him. We never get a bell as he beats Ted’s ass to the curb and starts throwing him around outside the ring. He puts Dibiase in the STF on the floor while Ted taps out like a girly man. Cena eventually lets go and leaves Ted broken after the total of like five moves he was hit with. This apparently killed him. Cena grabs a microphone and returns to the ring saying he didn’t come here for a match and he isn’t wasting time. He doesn’t care why Batista attacked him, he just wants to fight him. He demands a showdown as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Why do black men on TV invariably have white girlfriends?

Back to the show where Cena is still going on about Batista, before bringing up Vince is probably behind what Batista did. No shit. He brings up how Vince probably didn’t take kindly to what he said to him recently. Vince arrives to the call with security and his swagger is in full force to eleven tonight. Cena points out ten security guards aren’t enough to stop him. Tanks may be recommend. Cena says he either mows down his guards or they talk like men. While drinking Brawndo, the THIRST MUTILATOR. Vince tells them he’s got this and comes in saying he’s not afraid. He goes on about his greatness for a while and Cena says the reason they hate him is because he’s all about money. Meanwhile Cena is only about the money in the respect that he practically shits it. Everyone is avoiding punching out there’s no main event tonight. Bad idea guys. Cena gives his own typical speech here in response. Cena says Vince has a chance to have a Wrestlemania
 moment (that doesn’t involve him fighting his daughter, or was that a different PPV?) in taking on Bret. Vince eventually takes the bait and agrees to a match. We’re in overtime and Vince feels like reminding Bret why he doesn’t want any of this because he’ll be embarrassed like he was last week and we get yet another video replay of that, like the fourth one tonight.

Bret Hart storms the ring post footage to take Vince down and punches out some security guards that save him. Vince says he changes his mind and the answer is no and he runs from Bret who charges up the ramp with a chair. Bret proceeds to wreck some equipment that seems to either be filled with firecrackers or being the most unsafe equipment ever made. This reminds me of that wrestling show where they would fall through “exploding” tables that shot fireworks. He tears up the announce desk while he’s at it, but who hasn’t done that, including Vince’s own son?

Highlight of the Night: Nothing of see here, move along.

Lowlight of the Night: Non-Main Event. The advertised Main event wasn’t even good, top it off without it even happening and color me pissed off.

WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever booked the pacing for tonight’s show needs to be dragged behind a barn and shot.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.