And now for something
completely different. A man with a tape recorder up
his nose. Also Raw. In case you didn’t read WWE.com
over the last week, you would be unaware that after
the show last week, John Cena did finally come out
to eat a Batista Bomb as we build toward what is
purportedly going to be a tag match between the four
individuals at either the next PPV or Wrestlemania.
Show opens with Bret
Hart recap footage. Since we need to completely
repeat what we did the last time we had NASCAR
drivers, Carl Edwards show us he can cut donuts in
an expensive car as well. Color me not impressed. I
believe you’ll find it in the Extra Super Large 2000
Crayola pack right next to “Toilet Shit Brown”. The
car is driven in by Hornswoggle through some weird
logic they don’t bother to explain. Like how we were
able to see his head in the window while driving.
Edwards arrives and does his backflip off the top
rope that King and Cole assure me is something he
does after winning a race. He pimps the Daytona 500.
Nobody cared. He name drops Cena and is interrupted
Cole tells me that the
Elimination Chamber is now “malignant” like cancer.
As part of some kind of “Crisis Crossover” we have
going on into Wrestlemania, Christian in trun
interrupts Sheamus. I wonder if anyone has
considered that a silver belt all but flaunts the
belt as “second tier” behind the others in large
pink letters. Sheamus is not amused at being
interrupted. Christian says he’s here because Edge
didn’t even mention him or his title as a
possibility because he’s offended and now he
realizes ECW will be going off the air to be
replaced by NXT (The Next Evolution of WWE
Programming). Sheamus says this makes him a lame
duck champion. Edwards stands awkwardly through
this, patiently awaiting his next line. Christian
notes that every star on ECW is going to be allowed
to buff out the rosters of any show they want to and
he says the Raw Peeps are missing him. He’s
challenging Sheamus tonight, he also notes they are
without last names. Good point.
Edwards makes the match for right now.
ECW Champion Christian vs. WWE
Champion Sheamus (Non-title Match)
Sheamus just powers out of a tie up and taunts. He
takes control with some big shot but runs into an
elbow. Sheamus catches the follow up cross body to
deliver a fall away slam. Christian is sent over the
ropes to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Superbowl Commercials
were merely a continuation of our culture’s heel
turn in sexist media. Yeah I said it. Pop a Midol
and shut the hell up.
Back to the show.
Christian comes back by sending Sheamus to the floor
before diving from the top rope to the floor onto
Sheamus. They are both up but Sheamus pulls
Christian’s shoulder into the ring post and slams
him to the wall after a count reset. Back in the
ring, he continues to assault the shoulder with
stomps and knees, picking up a two count. Sheamus
puts on a hammerlock, mostly because he probably
doesn’t know any other holds. Cole has the AUDACITY
to tell us Sheamus is better than many of the Hall
of Famers who have held the belt. I’m speechless.
Christian fights loose, kicking Sheamus down and
coming back with some strikes. He baseball slides
between the legs and delivers a big right. Sheamus
tries to dump him to the floor but Christian gets
the apron and hangs him up on the ropes. Christian
delivers a flying elbow to the face off the tope and
goes to some mounted punches. Christian is caught in
a cross body but he escapes. Sheamus finally shuts
him down with a clothesline, but the corner charge
is dodged. Sheamus eats a tornado DDT off the top
and Christian picks up the two before firing the
crowd. Killswitch is blocked, but Chrstian hangs
onto the apron. Christian goes for another dropkick
off the top, but Sheamus dodges. Chrstian lands and
is sent shoulder-first into the corner. The crowd
dies flat as Sheamus delivers the “pump kick” and
the “Move that refuses to be named” for the victory.
Unfortunately it was clear
from the get-go that Christian was just here to
provide more “legitimizing” for Sheamus to make him
look good. You can feel the palpable X-pac heat in
the air. Trips is watching things in the back, back
in DX gear, when Shawn approaches, also in DX gear.
He apologizes for his distraction with Taker lately.
Shawn wants DX to be a part of Wrestlemania for the
first time, but Trips says he’s going to win the
title before Mania. Shawn is angry because it’s all
about Trips now (Surprise?!) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Bioshock, abuse little
girls to 20’s music.
Back to the show.
Realizing that the footage they didn’t show us last
week is kind-sorta necessary, they decide to run it
for us with Cena getting his ass beat all over the
arena and eventually power bombed onto some stairs.
Have you ever wondered who sits around with thirty
seconds of footage and Adobe After Effects and makes
these little video packages? Elsewhere, Cody brings
up to Ted that he’s already beaten Mark Henry and he
has to fight Cena. Ted brings up he must be better
than Cody since he’s in the chamber. All while never
bothering to counter the argument at hand. Perfect
logic. Orton arrives and reveals Ted has been paired
with Cena by Edwards tonight. Orton and Cody have a
heart to heart about his fail as of late before
revealing they have a match with each other tonight.
Punk and…whoever that other guy is are walking
through the back as we go back to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Look out for snakes.
Back to the show where CM Punk and the “other guy” I
have yet to care about is here. I should really
watch Smackdown more. He preaches about drugs and
alcohol. Remember kids, Drugs and Alcohol are
awesome! Don’t be a an unlikable douche like Punk.
Speaking of Straight Edge, has he ever heard of a
straight edge razor? That homeless beard is awful.
He points out Jared from Subway is here. He’s
putting the weight back on I see. Punk wants Jared
to be his Straight Edge spokesperson. Uh. Why? Punk
has Luke and Serena go after him (See how quickly I
learned those names with the power of the
interwebs?). DX interrupts via entrance and as all
wrestlers are contractually obligated to do, they
completely pause in doing anything to watch. Miz and
Big Show arrive immediately afterward. Before the
match even starts, DX clears the ring of the heel
teams and we head commercials.
Commercial Thought: Fox News is eating away at the
brains of America like a burrowing insect.
Unified Tag Team Champions
Degeneration X vs. Big Show & US Champion The Miz
vs. Straight Edge Society (Elimination Tag Team
Triple Threat Match)
Back to the show
where Michaels is getting annihilated, but he
escapes and makes a tag to Trips. Gallows, Show and
Trips all come in to square off. Trips taunts them
both and goes into Show with Gallows. Show head
butts them both around and nails Gallows in the gut
while Trips takes a breather. Gallows eats a chop in
the corner and Trips gets one as well. Big
clothesline on Gallows as Trips rallies into punches
on Show. Show bends over for fifty years to set up a
face buster. Show back body drops out of the
following pedigree, sending Trips to the floor.
Gallows dives to a tag on Punk…and we go back to the
commercial. You gotta be fucking kidding me. Time
these breaks better, you assholes.
Commercial Thought: Why did turning into a wolf-man
break his fingers to the side? The wolf man has
Back to the show. Miz is
working over Trips and Punk. Punk is thrown into the
corner where he eats a boot from Trips and Trips
then delivers a clothesline to Miz. The replay
blocked off too much of the screen for me to see
clearly what happened but Trips is taking a rest
outside again. Miz gives a clothesline to Punk and
goes to the apron. Serena pulls him off, nailing his
face on the edge. Miz chases but eats a spine buster
from Triple H. Show chases Serena off shortly after.
Trips makes a tag to Michaels. Michaels comes in
with his usual offense on Punk. Michaels decides not
to leap up this time since it cost him. He bombs his
elbow drop badly, landing pretty much on his feet
then sort of sliding down to the elbow. Gallows
stops the super kick. He’s sent to the floor by
Trips. Punk tries a GTS, but Michaels escapes and
nails the kick for the three.
clotheslines both of DX and taunts Shawn. Shawn gets
pissed and delivers some big chops to Show who just
shoves him back down with a head butt. Michaels gets
choked out on the ropes and Miz takes some cheap
shots behind the ref’s back. Michaels rallies back
and blocks a big corner charge with a foot. The
second charge has Show catching a big boot to the
jaw again. Show comes back with a side suplex. Miz
makes the tag now and puts him down with his running
kick to a seated Michaels for two. For some reaons
they feel a need to show us a replay of every
fucking thing that happens in this match. It’s
getting annoying. Miz blocks a crawl to the tag and
Miz puts him down with a neck breaker. Michaels
blocks the Skullcrushing finale and elbows out. Big
Show makes the tag and just tosses Michaels back
with one hand, but behind him Michaels lands on his
feet and catches him with the super kick. Michaels
makes the tag. Trips is in on Miz and delivers a
big knee followed by the face buster and spine
buster after he knocks Show from the apron. Michaels
tags back in and argues with Trips that he can do it
so obviously Miz pushes him into Trips in the corner
for the roll up and the win.
Winners: Miz & Big
This was so blatantly obvious you could
have predicted this finish last week. Michaels
leaves to have a emo fit and write poetry.
Random Commercial Thought: Please don’t rap about
Back to the show. Show talks
about how more awesome Miz is than Jericho. Miz
calls their team the Miz Show and Show says he likes
Showmiz better and they decide to go with that. Uh.
Sure. Why not. It’s not any -lamer-. We get a
rundown of the Elimination Chamber card. HBK runs
into Teddy Long in the back who was here earlier
watching the tag match. Shawn demands to be traded
to Smackdown so he can be put in the chamber, win
the title and get his rematch with Taker at
Wrestlemania. Teddy tells him he’s being ridiculous.
I love how Carlito is in the background throughout
this posing. He grabs Long by the lapels and Trips
intervenes to say the obsession has gone too far
because he’s throwing DX and his career away. Shawn
says his career is over then super kicks Long and
leaves. Nice sell, Teddy, you took it like a champ.
Since that was obviously WAY TOO MUCH ACTION TO
HANDLE, it’s time for more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Who the hell do they
think the Wrestling demographic is anymore with
We come back to a replay of
Gail Kim getting her chance for the title and a
recap of Michaels’ kicking Long. I notice this time
Carlito was standing right behind Long for some
reason and fell behind him.
Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim
introduction, just a bell. Couldn’t get any more
lackluster than that. Maryse is at the desk during
this. In fact uh, this match wasn’t worth recapping.
They tumbles around a bit with Gail falling out of a
power slam into her finisher on Jillian.
Maryse continues the “Nice girl” thing
she did last week saying how much she is looking
forward to having a good match. She speaks some
French for some reason. Gail should speak Japanese
or whatever crazy moon-speak the “Koreans” use. She
doesn’t bother to explain what she just said and
offers good luck and a hand shake. From that we go
straight into the next inductee to the Hall of Fame,
and we’re starting it off strong with the original
Ted Dibiase. I like how much it tries to underscore
the existence of his manservant.
Random Commercial Thought: Court settlements
should all end in pizza.
Back to the show.
Edwards is hanging with Jared to push the subway
sandwiches as hard as fucking possible and sing the
song with Santino. Jared gives Santino a “Footlong
Nation Appreciation Footlong Cash Card”. That was
word for word what he said. Santino says Swagger
must pay. Edwards makes a match between them
on…Superstars. I don’t even know what CHANNEL that
show is on. Kofi is in now to reveal he has no
match. Yep. Thanks for that. Kingston says he
doesn’t mind the week off to prepare for the
Chamber. Edwards agrees with his idea to have random
singles matches for everyone in the chamber next
week. He can’t decide to make them now or let the
next host do it. Santino says to leave it because
whoever it is probably is associated with class and
civility. Did we mention Jerry Springer is hosting?
He appears via video to reveal it. The truck guy
forgets to turn the sound back on for them when we
cut back and they speak in silence. King
they were “speechless”. That guy was subsequently
Now to Rhodes for his match with
Orton. Vacuous Personality meets Vacuous wrestling.
I’m afraid this may form some kind of Suck Vortex
like in Twister.
Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton
shoves Rhodes and stalks him around as they talk all
angry faced at each other. He keeps shoving him
around before giving a slap. Rhodes delivers a
dropkick and goes for a quick two. Orton is forced
to the corner and punches his way out. Rhodes puts
him back down with a Russian leg sweep for two.
Rhodes is dumped back into the ropes awkwardly and
Orton kicks him to the corner. Rhodes fights back
and sets up for a cross body off the top but he
bombs it. Orton signals the RKO is what is still a
ridiculous way. Sheamus then runs into the ring and
then slides back out as Rhodes comes from behind
with Crossroads for three.
Huh. Sheamus puts Orton back down post-match with
the pump kick and looks to drag him back up for the
Move That Shall Not Be Named but Rhodes runs him off
with a chair. Cody seems to be completely unclear
which character alignment he’s running this week and
just stands there with the chair. Sheamus takes this
slowly walking posture as “He really fucking means
it!” and runs scared. We get another video recap of
Cena before seeing him on the way to the ring for
Random Commercial Thought: I want
to bring up again that I have no desire to buy
Edwards repeats the bit
about singles matches. He puts Sheamus against
Orton, Dibaise against Kingston and Cena against
Triple H, because we haven’t seen that one enough.
Dibiase is in the ring already. He’s doomed. Cena
comes to the ring and just annihilates him. We never
get a bell as he beats Ted’s ass to the curb and
starts throwing him around outside the ring. He puts
Dibiase in the STF on the floor while Ted taps out
like a girly man. Cena eventually lets go and leaves
Ted broken after the total of like five moves he was
hit with. This apparently killed him. Cena grabs a
microphone and returns to the ring saying he didn’t
come here for a match and he isn’t wasting time. He
doesn’t care why Batista attacked him, he just wants
to fight him. He demands a showdown as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Why do
black men on TV invariably have white girlfriends?
Back to the show where Cena is still going on about
Batista, before bringing up Vince is probably behind
what Batista did. No shit. He brings up how Vince
probably didn’t take kindly to what he said to him
recently. Vince arrives to the call with security
and his swagger is in full force to eleven tonight.
Cena points out ten security guards aren’t enough to
stop him. Tanks may be recommend. Cena says he
either mows down his guards or they talk like men.
While drinking Brawndo, the THIRST MUTILATOR. Vince
tells them he’s got this and comes in saying he’s
not afraid. He goes on about his greatness for a
while and Cena says the reason they hate him is
because he’s all about money. Meanwhile Cena is only
about the money in the respect that he practically
shits it. Everyone is avoiding punching out there’s
no main event tonight. Bad idea guys. Cena gives his
own typical speech here in response. Cena says Vince
has a chance to have a Wrestlemania
doesn’t involve him fighting his daughter, or was
that a different PPV?) in taking on Bret. Vince
eventually takes the bait and agrees to a match.
We’re in overtime and Vince feels like reminding
Bret why he doesn’t want any of this because he’ll
be embarrassed like he was last week and we get yet
another video replay of that, like the fourth one
Bret Hart storms the ring post
footage to take Vince down and punches out some
security guards that save him. Vince says he changes
his mind and the answer is no and he runs from Bret
who charges up the ramp with a chair. Bret proceeds
to wreck some equipment that seems to either be
filled with firecrackers or being the most unsafe
equipment ever made. This reminds me of that
wrestling show where they would fall through
“exploding” tables that shot fireworks. He tears up
the announce desk while he’s at it, but who hasn’t
done that, including Vince’s own son?
Highlight of the Night: Nothing of see here,
Lowlight of the Night: Non-Main Event. The
advertised Main event wasn’t even good, top it off
without it even happening and color me pissed off.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever booked the
pacing for tonight’s show needs to be dragged behind
a barn and shot.