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by Cameron Burge

February 7, 2011

You may be asking yourself why the Raw Rant is late this week. There is a very good explanation for this and I assure you that involve me teaming up with Jesus Christ to fight zombie tigers on the moon. True story. There won't be any commercials thoughts in this issue because of it, though. Anyway, let's see how far I can make it into this week's show before losing my mind.

Raw 02.07.11

The show opens with theme and pyro and Cole introduces himself and the number one contender for the WWE title, Jerry Lawler. DONE! See you next week, folks!

Okay fine, I guess I can stick it out a little longer. Vince McMahon then kicks us off proper himself. I guess he woke up from that coma for real this time? Or is this just another Dallas dream sequence that I'm seeing? He says now that the Superbowl is over, there is only one event left and it supercedes the Superbowl. A "No it doesn't" cry responds to that, but he forges on to correct us and say it's Wrestlemania. He says there is always something I've never seen before at Mania. Usually just an even worse Diva match than you could ever imagine. He says some special guy who personifies everything about Mania will be hosting Mania and we'll find out who it is next week. Way to make an announcement that nobody in your current audience gives a shit about. It's probably Justin Bieber.

Randy Orton stalks out right afterward and Vince seems to be taking the whole getting punted in the head and destruction of his family thing pretty well as he just lets him walk by. Speaking of head punts, Husky Harris is shown taking one. He was my favorite Nexus guy too. Orton rubs the microphone all of his face for some reason and makes orgasm faces at the camera. That's….weird. He says things are not even between him and the Nexus and it's going to cost Punk more than just Husky Harris. Punk decides to respond to this right away. He looks at the crowd as if expecting boos and it's actually mostly silent but for a few CM Punk chants. Punk says Randal is right that it isn't over before deciding to say why he cost him the title. I thought it was just lazy writing. The reason is because…we go back to 2008 when Punk was face with his first title and Orton was a heel calling him a fluke and jumping his ass in the back with Legacy that still had a fat Samoan in it.

My God….continuity?! Too bad you already ignored that with Vince though just making this more awkward. Punk says he hasn't forgotten that night and he's waited this long for his revenge. So long he decided to grow a beard. Punk says he will eliminate him right now as the remaining three Nexus men join him on the ramp and approach the ring. Orton is of course Superboy Prime to Cena's Superman and annihilates them as they come in until Mason Ryan finally catches him from behind for the beat down. Punk approaches while they hold Orton off….who immediately throws them all off and tackles Punk. Nexus manages to secure him again and this time ties Orton up in the ropes as decidedly female Cena chants build. Punk cups his chin for a while which is just awkward so Orton kicks him in the jaw a couple of times and they beat him down again. Mason Ryan delivers the most hilariously shitty stomp at the end too. I swear he missed him by a good foot on that one. They hoist Orton up for a GTS onto Punk's shoulders. Huh, Punk is bleeding out of his nose? Good job botching a kick, Randy.

Jerry, Cole, you can stop telling us how many years he has waited for this moment as we were quite capable of doing the math, though you guys don't seem to agree if it was two or three years. So was that the feud blow off? Because that was kind of lame. After a break, they just replay the footage we just saw which is even more awkward if you have no commercials like me. Also, I'm curious as to why King and Cole are being so congenial to each other despite Cole being his worst enemy last week who wanted him dead. Either have the announcer feud or don't, this inconsistency is annoying.

Oh great, Mason Ryan is going to wrestle in a match. Also they show us a "during the commercial" clip of Cole reading an e-mail from the GM who put Nexus in matches with the Chamber participants. Who is the fat kid dancing to R-Truth's entrance? He fucking sucks. I love all these nerdy white people singing to this song like it's a rap song and not something R-Truth wiped his ass with. What the FUCK is he even saying?! Also he called this Green Bay and apparently it's Milwaukee. Cole screams his head off about it and Truth gets boos for it. Hilarious. Cole says he hopes Mason destroys him for it…

R-Truth vs. Good taste….and Mason Ryan

Okay, seriously why is Cole still screaming about this? Okay, that's kinda funny there is a huge Milwaukee chant. Cole is pumping his fists and they immediately stop because no one wants to do what Cole is doing. Truth hit's the Lie detector after a short beat down by Ryan and hurts his knee doing so. Ryan tackles the knee and delivers the worst power slam I have ever seen in my life. Oh my God this guy can't wrestle. He slams Truth onto the bottom rope which is supposed to hit his knee on the rope but it just looks like shit. He does the spot three times because it looks so good. Oh good, now they are fighting about Lawler's match. It has so much to do with this. Mason puts Truth up top and pulls him off by the leg before putting on a submission by wrapping his leg over the back of his head for the win.

Winner: Ryan

Ryan refuses to break the hold after the ref tells him twice so the ref says something to the announcer, but Ryan breaks the hold and goes to get a chair. The ref shows an incredible amount of balls by taking the chair from him twice. I love how Ryan finally just does let him do it too. More Milwaukee chants as Ryan puts the hold back on and stands with Truth in the hold doing some kind of creepy, humping torture rack. Of course, the original torture rack was always kinda creepy. Apparently the ref reversed the decision to make Truth the winner. Cole complains because the match was already over. They say Miz is going to publicly congratulate Lawler tonight. Oh fuck me.

Punk is nursing his nose in the back with Mike and Otunga. Punk demands to know why Ryan didn't just win the match when he comes in before saying he has one thing to say, well done. He says he doesn't care about wins and losses and neither should they because let's face it they have no careers to look forward to. He wants them to injure the Elimination Chamber contestants if they can. No one can hear what Otunga says because the sound crew apparently failed on that one, but I think he complained he is up against Sheamus, but Punk tells him to have faith. Now to ringside for Eve and her title she has for no reason. Natalya is at the announce desk for this one since she is fighting Eve next week for the belt. Cole also called the belt gold because he is blind.

Eve Torres & Gail Kim & Tamina vs. Melina & The Bella Twins

Why does anyone complain about Natalya in a world that has Tamina in it. One Bella distracts Gail so the other can pull he down by the hair. She tries to wrestle, but seriously I'm not sure what that is. The other Bella tags in and they delivers a double elbow that they manage to botch. Gail gets choked on the middle rope and tossed to the corner for Melina to make the tag. Melina hammers Gail in the back of the head and delivers an awkward headlock take down and submission. Gail manages to escape with a hard clothesline after a head scissors kick by Melina in the corner. Did Natalya just tell Cole to "settle his tea kettle because this whistle is about to blow?" What year did she time travel from to deliver that line?

Eve tags in and goes into her shitty dropkicks that she learned how to perform from watching characters in old THQ games. AKA, she misses by a mile, but the opponent still falls down. Eve delivers a clothesline and moonsault for a two count when the Bellas are in. Tamina and Gail tackle them to the floor and Melina misses a clothesline, allowing a neck breaker from Eve for the three. At least she did that okay.

Winners: Faces

Cole steps all over Natalya and Lawler tries to join in as you can't make out ANYTHING over what Cole is screaming. It's like a five year old who just yells whenever you try to talk. After a break, Cole complains that Lawler is wearing his wrestling gear under his clothes…I'm not sure why that bothers him. Lawler says it's because Miz wanted to talk to him tonight so he's going to be ready. We get a video package about the Chamber that takes up several minutes so I happily skip ahead to a Morrison match.

John Morrison vs. Mike Whatever

Morrison dodges a clothesline and unwinds on Mike against the ropes until the referee forces him off. He dodges another clothesline, but this time Mike sees through his clever ruse and hammers him on the back of the head after he ducks, starting to beat Morrison down and toss him around the ring. Mike punches and stomps on Morrison before taking to the floor and beating him over the ring apron. I love how Cole just adores Morrison when he's not fighting Miz. Mike sandwiches Morrison's arm between the stairs and the ring steps before dropkicking the steps, but Morrison slips free his arm. For some reason he didn't get counted out even though he was out threre about a full minute. Back in the ring, Morrison unloads, delivers the heel kicks and a flash kick out of the corner on Mike before going up for Starship Pain and the three.

Winner: Morrison

So much for that plan. It would have been interesting to have every entrant but Punk going into the Chamber with an "injury" as a plot point, but I guess it was better to just wreck R-Truth. Punk sneaks up behind and sprays Morrison in the face with a can of something when he goes to leave and then kicks him in the face. Morrison rolls around on the floor coughing and screaming. I take back what I said before, but I'm too lazy to go back, delete it and thinking of something else to write.

After a break, Miz arrives and Cole goes superheel in asking Lawler if he's proud about being helped by Cena. Lawler starts to reply and Cole demands to stop talking about him. I really get the feeling this is all building toward Lawler leaving the announce team and moving to a Cole/Matthews team on Raw. I hate that prospect. Miz says he only had one thought on his mind last week as he watched the Rumble before starting a Jerry chant. I guess because he knew he could win. He invites Lawler into the ring. He orders Riley out of the ring. Lawler points out Miz thought Lawler would be the easiest win. Miz says they are all easy wins. Miz says the real reason is because they are mirror images. They both molest children. Oh, I'm sorry was that too blunt? Uh…because they have they have the biggest mouths in history. Miz says he is a modern day Lawler. I'm not sure that is a good thing.

Anyway, we get a clip of King knocking out Dibiase as Cole talks about how much of an asshole he is as Miz points out that was a sucker punch. King gets a pop for getting the city name correctly when he responds to say the people think Miz sucks. Lawler gets all serious time. He says not everything is crap that Miz says. He said poop. Lawler points out he's never been champion or been to Mania. He says no one knows what those things would mean to him. Lawler says he will be WWE champion. Dear God, no! Lawler interrupts the "Awesome" with an "awful" so Miz tries a clothesline. He hilarious misses hardcore as Lawler…sort of ducks? Cole says Lawler is delivering cheap shots as he takes out both Miz and Riley with ease so Dibiase makes the save, because Miz needs help from fifty fucking people. Daniel Bryan makes the save for Lawler and boots Dibiase in the face before chucking him to the floor as Lawler does the same to Miz. The GM of course decides to interrupt and make this a match as Cole reads this in an angry shouting voice.

Jerry The King Lawler & US Champion Daniel Bryan vs. WWE Champion The Miz & Ted Dibiase w/ Alex Riley

Ted starts off with Bryan as King thankfully takes to the apron. Oh god, Riley and Cole are on the microphone…where is the mute button?! Ah good, nice and quiet. I didn't manage to mute it until after Riley called him Bryan Danielson. Bryan has the advantage and runs Dibiase down with a running dropkick to the chest in the corner for two. King tags in for some inane reason and they deliver a double reverse elbow. King gives a fist drop and then sells a light slap to the face like it hurt as Dibaise tags out to Miz. Miz gets scoop slammed several times in a row and does a Flair begging scene before grabbing Lawler by the pants and chucking him to the floor. He argues with the ref while Dibaise stomps on King on the outside and we get a break.

Returning, King is escaping a headlock. Maryse is at ringside looking like some kind of club slut. Bryan gets the tag and backflips out of the corner over Miz before clothes lining him flat. He goes for the LaBell Lock, but Miz tosses him off to the corner where he misses a corner charge. Bryan goes up top and slips as Dibiase forgot to move in for the spot to knock him off at first. He manages to get there eventually so credit for that, he's a bit better than Jeff Hardy. Miz hits his hanging clothesline for two. Dibiase is back in for some double teaming. Bryan unwinds on Dibiase, but Dibiase gets an awkward back breaker after dodging a clothesline and dropkicks Bryan in the back of the head for two. Here's Miz again. This match is surprisingly long. Bryan must have a barn door back to carry this match. Bryan nails a front dropkick and tags in King who hobbles in.

King unload on Dibiase with rights as he comes in as well. Dibiase takes a back body drop and those falling dropkicks. King delivers a DDT for two when Miz breaks up the pin. They go for a double back body drop, but King kicks Miz in the face. Bryan comes off the top onto Miz and then suicide dives into him on the floor. Dibiase shoulder charges a steel ring post and Lawler climbs up to the middle ropes for the flying fist drop and the three.

Winners: King & Bryan

Damn, Ted. I feel sorry for the guy. He's the new Carlito. I guess I'll unmute it…. Riley is saying he will beat King for the Miz. Nice to make your champion look….incredibly weak? HAHA, black history month promo after the break with Farooq front and center.

They try to hype us up for the host of Mania announcement coming next week as Sheamus arrives. Um, why is he being interviewed on the entrance ramp about Mark Henry? Apparently they ask why he is in the chamber instead of Henry and some have said he should be replaced by Henry immediately. Sheamus points out Henry is 13 years in the company with no title shot and asks if he would only stand a chance if it were a cake eating contest before saying Henry won't even fit into a chamber pod. He made that joke for me. He tells Henry to shut his mouth before Otunga arrives. Mark Henry soon arrives right after, as soon as he whipes the grease stains off his chest from the burgers he was stuffing down.

Sheamus attacks him on the apron and Henry fights back, beating Sheamus down awkwardly. Sheamus fires back with blows of his own, but Henry shrugs them off and takes control. He charges into a boot to the jaw from Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus clobbers him with a running axe handle before Otunga climbs up top from behind….and gets knocked off to the floor. Some one in the audience said "Ha ha." at that one. Henry ducks the kick and crushes Sheamus with the World's Strongest Slam. He then hoists a dead Sheamus up for a second go around. Yeah, you were talking all that good shit before, nigguh!

Otunga stands over the dead Sheamus in the ring with his fist pump going on as the Nexus watches from the back. Alberto Del Rio suddenly arrives for some reason. Not quite sure why. Oh, apparently he's going to wrestle Santino after a break. He cut a promo, but it wasn't important.

Santino Marella vs. Alberto Del Rio

Santino charges the ring and just goes to town on Rio. He beats his ass all over the ring, but Del Rio catches him with a knee to the gut only to get chucked over the top rope. Santino celebrates with his trombone as the crowd rallies for Santino. Oh, apparently now the match is officially starting. Del Rio takes control with a knee and goes for a dropkick on Santino, but Santino dodges, sending him to the floor. Santino chucks him back in but takes a kick as he's getting back in. Cobra chants begin but they are doing it wrong. It's "COOOOOBRAAAAA!" Del Rio delivers a back suplex for a two count and starts kneeing the arm over and over, picking up another two count. He locks on a weak arm bar.

Santino tries to fight to his feet but is immediately knocked back down. Rio charges Santino to the corner, but he ducks the running enziguiri. Santino split ducks a clothesline and delivers his hip toss before powering up the Cobra. Del Rio fucks the Cobra and catches him with an arm breaker over the knees and following with the rolling cross arm breaker for the win.

Winner: Santino

I don't really buy this guy as Mexican. First of all, he has no mustache, no sombrero and he has a job. We get a replay of the beat downs on the other Chamber entrants before we see Cena walking through the back knowing full well nothing bad can happen to him. After a break, we get Vickie with Dolph Ziggler. Apparently Edge has to actually defend his belt in the Smackdown chamber. She says Dolph will win his match against Edge this week though and will instead go in as champion so John Cena interrupts. He has nothing to do with this segment, but why not. Well, I know what's going to happen, so let's skip the fat jokes and get on with it. Oh, he also apologized for R-Truth and saying he celebrated the Packers win too long and says he's crazy and still thinks he's in Green Bay before reminding us we're in Milwaukee.

After skipping ahead, he apparently talked them away and it only took several minutes…he's still talking. He gives a big speech that takes another couple of minutes and we get another one of those storm promos that I assume are for Taker's return this month. Finally, Punk is here after another break.

CM Punk vs. John Cena

Cena keeps looking over his shoulder at the ring ramp before forcing Punk to the corner. Punk punches his way out and starts stomping away. Cena rushes out of the corner with a clothesline, but Punk shuts him down when he checks over his shoulder again. Punk gets a back breaker in and pounds on Cena in the corner for a while. He taunts and laughs like Cena isn't going to hulk out and rape him later before delivers a back suplex. Cena gets his bulldog in, but once again is watching his back, allowing Punk to take control again and chuck him to the floor. Punk crouches on the ring apron and leap into a clothesline on Cena to the floor. Back in the ring, Punk nails the Pepsi One and goes for the GTS.

Cena wiggles free and charges Punk into the corner, pounding away on Punk's back. He lets him turn around before charging back in for more of the same until the ref threatens a DQ. Cena just shrugs and punches Punk right in the balls.

Winner: Punk

I like how Punk cried on the floor. He really sold that like a real punch in the dick. Mike and Otunga rush in on Cena, but King slips Cena a chair from behind who unloads on them with it. Cena celebrates with his chair as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Throw-away show. Not much worth seeing here, move along, folks. If anything the main event was the highlight of the night, but it was pretty standard fair.

Lowlight of the Night: Diva match. Next.

WWE "Creative" Award: Once again goes to the King/Cole/Miz thing that I wish would just end already.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).