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By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the post Royal Rumble Raw. The Rumble had an Edge Finish in the literal sense as Edge returned to pick up the win over the heavily predicted Cena. On a side note, I was once told by someone that NCIS is a perfectly realistic representation of what the real world Navy Criminal Investigators are like, and that is why it is so popular with military and former military personnel. This is of course to assume that it is normal for Goths, trigger happy foreigners, abusive rebels and womanizers to be let into our military services. Sounds about right.

Raw 02.01.2010

After the theme we are reminded that tonight’s host is William Shatner before Edge appears. Edge tries to get heartfelt about his injury, but to be honest that doesn’t work when your “serious face” is this slack-jawed vacuous expression that makes him look like the missing cast member of Mice and Men. He says he refused to miss another Wrestlemania. Edge mentions he lost to Taker the last time he took him on at Wrestlemania and unlike Michaels he can have him if he wants. He goes on to ask if it would be smart to go after Taker or Sheamus since Sheamus has never even been there. He says he won’t make his decision yet, maybe not until after the Elimination Chamber. Sheamus decides to come out and ruin my night.

Unrelated side note, Lady Gaga was god-fucking awful at the Grammy Awards. Sheamus threatens to put Edge into retirement if he doesn’t leave and then takes the cheap shot. He decides to at least remove his belt and cross before trying to hit his kick but Edge actually ducks before mounting Sheamus for some punching. Edge signals a spear and hits it while displaying his best “I’M ANGRY” face. We go on to get a video package about the Chamber that needs major hype to get anyone to buy another PPV already. King tells us tonight is all Chamber qualifiers as Cena is on his way for his (I wonder if he’ll make it….nah).

Random Commercial Thought: Giant babies, it’s like being in college.

Back to the show where John Cena is out to the ring. King is hilarious in pimping out Psych this week which features “FORMER WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler” with a heavy emphasis on the former.

John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes

Story here is Cody cost Orton the DQ last night. Cena starts off with strong punches but Cody turns the tables with a modified Russian Leg Sweep for two. He picks up another quick one count and then delivers a neckbreaker for two more. He drops a knee for yet another two and Cena finally decides to stop giving courtesy pins fo he rallies back. Rhodes back flips out of the protobomb, but Cena gets out of the attempted roll up to continue the protobomb and the five knuckle shuffle which still has that stupid tie adjusting thing in it. The hand waving wasn’t dorky enough? Rhodes elbows out of the FU and flattens Cena with a clothesline. Moonsault from the top rope picks up a two count. Randomly out of nowhere, Cena delivers the FU. It was so random even the announcers called it without emotions. Selling? Pshaw!
Winner: Cena

We get an oddly placed video of the Montreal Incident. Vince is asked in the back if he’s seen Hart here tonight and he says no one has because he highly doubts he’ll be here. Vince goes to his office and says he’s surprised to see someone in there that we can’t see and they have no manners. They refuse to reply until it cuts over to be William Shatner. THE FIEND. Oh God, the Shatner pause. He says that as a fellow Canadian he is praying for Bret Hart to embarrass him tonight. Who knew.

Random Commercial Thought: You are not a hero for working at a cell phone company.

They have been advertising Smackdown coming here for a month and it’s not going to be here until March, but TNA starts running ads a week before the event. Back on the show, Jack Swagger is going to try to qualify because getting your ass kicked by Santino two out of three times can pay off. Speaking of which, they say he injured Santino to keep him out of the Rumble. Swagger is taking on Triple H. Sucks to be you, guy. Come on, we already know the five will be Trips, Cena, Kingston, Orton and Mark Henry (Michaels clearly is going to keep on this Undertaker revenge storyline). Why the hell are we having them all beat up mid carders to get in?

Triple H vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger grounds Triple H early on, wrestling him down and forcing him to the ropes. Swagger taunts with some push ups. Trips promptly punches him in the face. Swagger runs into the high knee and is clotheslined to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I just saw a music video that I do not even know how to begin to describe other than total Mind Fuck.

Back to the match. Swagger drops Trips and tries an abdominal stretch but Trips hiptosses him out of it and then sends Swagger over the ropes a second time. They were right about Swagger sucking at over the top rope challenges I guess, that’s twice in one match. Swagger catches Trips when he tries to follow out and gets a two count off of a power slam back in the ring. Swagger works a headlock on the ground. Swagger body splashes off the second rope into some knees by Trips. Trips goes on the offensive here, working Swagger into the corner and hitting a spine buster for the two.

Swagger misses a punch so Trips decides a pedigree should work but Swagger back body drops. Swagger hit’s the body splash this time but only gets two of course. Who is he kidding? Swagger puts Trips back down with a belly to belly for yet another close count. Swagger rams Trips into the corner before coming out with a power slam, but Trips slips out into the pedigree for three.
Winner: Triple H

It’s worth noting Triple H is in his The Game gear and theme song instead of the DX crap.

Random Commercial Thought: Someone better have a really good reason why Zombieland isn’t a real theme park, and “safety issues” doesn’t count.

We return to a fake add where William Shatner “sings” theme songs of wrestlers. Is…is that a real album?….I want it. In the back. Michaels is still sorting his DX gear when Trips wants to talk to him. Hornswoggle shows off to be an annoying little shit so Trips shoos him off. Shawn doesn’t respond to jokes well because he’s having an EMO GIT FREAK OUT about not getting to face Undertaker. We learn that Orton and Michaels have to fight each other to get into the Chamber. I assume this is all going to end up with Michaels somehow getting into a match with Taker, and I have my theories but I’ll leave my wild mass guessing about epileptic trees private.

Random Commercial Thought: I’m a cow.

WWE Rewind is presented by some movie I’ve never heard of. It’s a still recap of Cody getting the DQ for Orton. Maybe Orton will get a new stable now of guys who aren’t bland as shit. And maybe pigs will fly and he’ll get a more entertaining move set.

Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels

Orton stares him down and Michaels just stands there. They finally tie up and Michaels is forced into the corner. More staring down ensues. Michaels ducks a punches and comes back with some chops. Michaels lands a neck breaker and stomps Orton in the head. Orton dives out of the ring to avoid the super kick follow up. Michaels retarded chases him around the ring and almost eats the suspended DDT. He drags Orton to the floor for more chops and hit’s a top rope cross body for two. Michaels gets turned inside out in the corner, the first time I’ve seen him do that spot in a while actually. I guess now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him in a singles match in forever. Orton starts stomping Michaels about. Orton picks up a two count on Michaels out of a move I wasn’t paying attention to but if I guessed I would bet it’s his inverted backbreaker since he seemed pissed it didn’t work.

Orton and Michaels are on the top rope duking it out now with Michaels sending him down to his feet but Orton clocks him another one and meets Michaels back up top. Once again Michaels punches Orton off and nails the elbow drop. Michaels signals Sweet Chin Music and tunes up the band. Orton slides under into an RKO, but Michaels counters to the atomic drop and chops, switching between the two. Michaels hit’s the forearm and nips up into a rollup from Orton for three.
Winner: Orton

Shawn gets pissed and throws a little whiny bitch fit. They pimp out the face off between Hart and McMahon a little more as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: The genetic lottery took all your money.

Back to the show. Dibiase congratulates Orton in the back and apologizes for what happened last night. Orton just shakes his head at him like a comedy cartoon character before he walks off. Ted has the single most hilariously stupid look on his face as he watches Orton leave and they hold the shot on that face way too long. That face says “I shat myself and I don’t know how to hide it.” Back at ringside, Mark Henry is out for his qualifying match. Yu have to wonder why he and Ted are even up to be in this match.

Mark Henry vs. Ted Dibiase

Henry just takes Ted’s offense and then tosses him to the floor. On the outside, Ted pulls his shoulder into the ring post to gain the upper hand only to be punched back. Dibiase slings Henry into the ring steps then runs back into the ring to restart the count just in time. Back in, Dibiase works the arm more with leg drops and elbow drops on the shoulder for two. Dibiase wrenches the arm but Henry fights out. Dibiase tries for Dream Street but Henry throws him off and delivers a clothesline. Henry runs into a kick and Dibiase comes off the ropes with a cross body. Dibiase blocks the Strongest Slam but slipping to the ring apron and racking his arm over the top rope. A version of the flatliner picks up a three count.
Winner: Dibiase

….stupid movie. I guess my earlier prediction stands corrected. Apparently it will be between Kingston and Big Show. They take some time out to talk about the passing of Jack Brisco recently and run a video package of his career.

Random Commercial Thought: Goddamned Irish!

Back to the show. Women’s Wrestling!…Bathroom break! We get a replay of Gail earning her title opportunity when we cut to her in the back getting confronted by Maryse. Maryse pretends to want to have a straight up competition and then leaves. Weird. Miz is talking to Show in the back talking about how they will both be champions. Miz calls Shatner T.J. Hooker and Big Show asks him if he just said that, to which he corrects himself to Captain Kirk. CM Punk and crew appear to say they are here to claim their rightful title shots. Things are then interrupted by the….Raw Match Negotiator. Oh my god. Shatner makes a Triple Threat tag team match for the title next week.

In the back, Trips is trying to cheer Michaels up and he just stalks off to go write angry poetry. Kofi Kingston makes his way out for his match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Try not to think about physics. They might change when you do.

Back to the show where Kingston is ready to square off with Show when Miz interrupts things.

Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show

Apparently he just came down to sit at ringside. Show starts slapping Kingston around like a rag doll. Show delivers hammering blows to the back and Kingston starts wailing back only to eat a knee to the midsection and be tossed across the ring. Show misses a running kick and ends up hanging himself on the top rope. It’s so awkward that it looks like he just stepped over the ropes himself for the hell of it. Kingston dropkicks him to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Sonic workers are paid as tipped employees. I’ll be damned if I tip anyone who does the same thing any other fast food restaurant does.

Kofi got speared during the break and is now being pummeled by Big Show. Show works a headlock but Kofi uses a jawbreaker to get loose. Kofi is tossed to the floor and Miz stalks over to taunt Kofi as he rolls around. MVP dives out of the crowd to attack Miz from behind and chase him out. Huh. Kofi catches Big Show with a jaw breaker on the ring apron and botches a leap to the top rope. He tries to recover and hit a side kick off the top. Kingston tries to recover the rhythm here with dropkicks and finally seems to with the boom drop. Big Show gets a choke slam set up and Kofi starts flailing around, hitting him in the eye. Show tries for the knock out punch on Kingston but he ducks it and it knocks out the ref. Show calls for a new ref. The new ref calls for a DQ.
Winner: Kingston

Show gets pissed because he was blinded in one eye when he accidentally punched him and looks like he’s going to cry. Aw.

Random Commercial Thought: Chicken has universal power.

Back to the show. Next week we are having Carl Edwards, another NASCAR driver. Now we’re repeating ourselves. King is in the ring to introduce William Shatner to the ring. Shatner falls onto King on his way in and we do a bit of a goofy gag about him wanting to know if he’s ok. Willy goes on to introduce his fellow Canadian, Bret Hart. I have to say these days Bret Hart looks more like Ozzie Osborne dressing up like Bret Hart. Bret demands Vince get his ass down here right now. In a completely unrelated note, Pokemon has been confirmed to be having a fifth generation of games after the current ones, because catching GOD wasn’t good enough.

Vince answers the challenge and says he’s never regretted anything he’s ever said or done to Bret Hart. Hart says that’s the first honest thing he’s ever said to him. He calls him the world’s greatest liar. He says Vince was far from a father to him, he couldn’t even lace up his father’s jock strap. Probably not. I heard that was difficult. Bret gives us our second recovery sob story. Bret goes on for a bit before saying he’d like to kick Vince’s ass right here and now. Who hasn’t? Vince says the “Best there is, etc.” thing is a pile of bullshit. Vince tells him he’s not a hero to anyone, not even Canada. That’s sad. I’m pretty sure Hockey players are heroes there. He goes on to say Bret has no personality and if his opponents hadn’t had personalities he’d be completely unimportant. Bret keeps asking if he’s finished and Vince keeps going on, saying no. I keep wondering how long this shtick is going to continue. He also says he won’t be nominating Stu because he doesn’t deserve it. Bret proceeds to kick the shit out of him and put on the sharpshooter until Batista comes in and starts wailing on him.

That was odd. Batista holds Bret for Vince to throw a fit and spit in his face. The show just kind of ends with Batista still holding Bret who is crying.

Highlight of the Night: Orton and Michaels put on a pretty good match, but Highlight goes to William Shatner sings WWE. I want an actual album of that.

Lowlight of the Night: Ted Dibiase absolutely annihilates Mark Henry to get into the Elimination Chamber. I wouldn’t have been happy with either option, but Dibiase is far from what one would consider viable as a contender.

WWE “Creative” Award: Bret Hart returns to drag out this storyline that for no reason no involves Batista. I couldn’t care less.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).