Welcome back to the
post Royal Rumble Raw. The Rumble had an Edge Finish
in the literal sense as Edge returned to pick up the
win over the heavily predicted Cena. On a side note,
I was once told by someone that NCIS is a perfectly
realistic representation of what the real world Navy
Criminal Investigators are like, and that is why it
is so popular with military and former military
personnel. This is of course to assume that it is
normal for Goths, trigger happy foreigners, abusive
rebels and womanizers to be let into our military
services. Sounds about right.
After the theme we are
reminded that tonight’s host is William Shatner
before Edge appears. Edge tries to get heartfelt
about his injury, but to be honest that doesn’t work
when your “serious face” is this slack-jawed vacuous
expression that makes him look like the missing cast
member of Mice and Men. He says he refused to miss
another Wrestlemania. Edge mentions he lost to Taker
the last time he took him on at Wrestlemania and
unlike Michaels he can have him if he wants. He goes
on to ask if it would be smart to go after Taker or
Sheamus since Sheamus has never even been there. He
says he won’t make his decision yet, maybe not until
after the Elimination Chamber. Sheamus decides to
come out and ruin my night.
note, Lady Gaga was god-fucking awful at the Grammy
Awards. Sheamus threatens to put Edge into
retirement if he doesn’t leave and then takes the
cheap shot. He decides to at least remove his belt
and cross before trying to hit his kick but Edge
actually ducks before mounting Sheamus for some
punching. Edge signals a spear and hits it while
displaying his best “I’M ANGRY” face. We go on to
get a video package about the Chamber that needs
major hype to get anyone to buy another PPV already.
King tells us tonight is all Chamber qualifiers as
Cena is on his way for his (I wonder if he’ll make
Random Commercial Thought: Giant
babies, it’s like being in college.
the show where John Cena is out to the ring. King is
hilarious in pimping out Psych this week which
features “FORMER WWE Diva Stacy Kiebler” with a
heavy emphasis on the former.
John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes
is Cody cost Orton the DQ last night. Cena starts
off with strong punches but Cody turns the tables
with a modified Russian Leg Sweep for two. He picks
up another quick one count and then delivers a
neckbreaker for two more. He drops a knee for yet
another two and Cena finally decides to stop giving
courtesy pins fo he rallies back. Rhodes back flips
out of the protobomb, but Cena gets out of the
attempted roll up to continue the protobomb and the
five knuckle shuffle which still has that stupid tie
adjusting thing in it. The hand waving wasn’t dorky
enough? Rhodes elbows out of the FU and flattens
Cena with a clothesline. Moonsault from the top rope
picks up a two count. Randomly out of nowhere, Cena
delivers the FU. It was so random even the
announcers called it without emotions. Selling?
We get an oddly placed
video of the Montreal Incident. Vince is asked in
the back if he’s seen Hart here tonight and he says
no one has because he highly doubts he’ll be here.
Vince goes to his office and says he’s surprised to
see someone in there that we can’t see and they have
no manners. They refuse to reply until it cuts over
to be William Shatner. THE FIEND. Oh God, the
Shatner pause. He says that as a fellow Canadian he
is praying for Bret Hart to embarrass him tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: You are
not a hero for working at a cell phone company.
They have been advertising Smackdown coming here for
a month and it’s not going to be here until March,
but TNA starts running ads a week before the event.
Back on the show, Jack Swagger is going to try to
qualify because getting your ass kicked by Santino
two out of three times can pay off. Speaking of
which, they say he injured Santino to keep him out
of the Rumble. Swagger is taking on Triple H. Sucks
to be you, guy. Come on, we already know the five
will be Trips, Cena, Kingston, Orton and Mark Henry
(Michaels clearly is going to keep on this
Undertaker revenge storyline). Why the hell are we
having them all beat up mid carders to get in?
Triple H vs. Jack Swagger
grounds Triple H early on, wrestling him down and
forcing him to the ropes. Swagger taunts with some
push ups. Trips promptly punches him in the face.
Swagger runs into the high knee and is clotheslined
to the floor as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: I just saw a music video that I
do not even know how to begin to describe other than
total Mind Fuck.
Back to the match. Swagger
drops Trips and tries an abdominal stretch but Trips
hiptosses him out of it and then sends Swagger over
the ropes a second time. They were right about
Swagger sucking at over the top rope challenges I
guess, that’s twice in one match. Swagger catches
Trips when he tries to follow out and gets a two
count off of a power slam back in the ring. Swagger
works a headlock on the ground. Swagger body
splashes off the second rope into some knees by
Trips. Trips goes on the offensive here, working
Swagger into the corner and hitting a spine buster
for the two.
Swagger misses a punch so Trips
decides a pedigree should work but Swagger back body
drops. Swagger hit’s the body splash this time but
only gets two of course. Who is he kidding? Swagger
puts Trips back down with a belly to belly for yet
another close count. Swagger rams Trips into the
corner before coming out with a power slam, but
Trips slips out into the pedigree for three.
Winner: Triple H
It’s worth noting Triple H
is in his The Game gear and theme song instead of
the DX crap.
Random Commercial Thought:
Someone better have a really good reason why
Zombieland isn’t a real theme park, and “safety
issues” doesn’t count.
We return to a fake
add where William Shatner “sings” theme songs of
wrestlers. Is…is that a real album?….I want it. In
the back. Michaels is still sorting his DX gear when
Trips wants to talk to him. Hornswoggle shows off to
be an annoying little shit so Trips shoos him off.
Shawn doesn’t respond to jokes well because he’s
having an EMO GIT FREAK OUT about not getting to
face Undertaker. We learn that Orton and Michaels
have to fight each other to get into the Chamber. I
assume this is all going to end up with Michaels
somehow getting into a match with Taker, and I have
my theories but I’ll leave my wild mass guessing
about epileptic trees private.
Commercial Thought: I’m a cow.
WWE Rewind is
presented by some movie I’ve never heard of. It’s a
still recap of Cody getting the DQ for Orton. Maybe
Orton will get a new stable now of guys who aren’t
bland as shit. And maybe pigs will fly and he’ll get
a more entertaining move set.
Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels
stares him down and Michaels just stands there. They
finally tie up and Michaels is forced into the
corner. More staring down ensues. Michaels ducks a
punches and comes back with some chops. Michaels
lands a neck breaker and stomps Orton in the head.
Orton dives out of the ring to avoid the super kick
follow up. Michaels retarded chases him around the
ring and almost eats the suspended DDT. He drags
Orton to the floor for more chops and hit’s a top
rope cross body for two. Michaels gets turned inside
out in the corner, the first time I’ve seen him do
that spot in a while actually. I guess now that I
think about it, I haven’t seen him in a singles
match in forever. Orton starts stomping Michaels
about. Orton picks up a two count on Michaels out of
a move I wasn’t paying attention to but if I guessed
I would bet it’s his inverted backbreaker since he
seemed pissed it didn’t work.
Michaels are on the top rope duking it out now with
Michaels sending him down to his feet but Orton
clocks him another one and meets Michaels back up
top. Once again Michaels punches Orton off and nails
the elbow drop. Michaels signals Sweet Chin Music
and tunes up the band. Orton slides under into an
RKO, but Michaels counters to the atomic drop and
chops, switching between the two. Michaels hit’s the
forearm and nips up into a rollup from Orton for
Shawn gets pissed and
throws a little whiny bitch fit. They pimp out the
face off between Hart and McMahon a little more as
we go to commercial.
Thought: The genetic lottery took all your money.
Back to the show. Dibiase congratulates Orton in the
back and apologizes for what happened last night.
Orton just shakes his head at him like a comedy
cartoon character before he walks off. Ted has the
single most hilariously stupid look on his face as
he watches Orton leave and they hold the shot on
that face way too long. That face says “I shat
myself and I don’t know how to hide it.” Back at
ringside, Mark Henry is out for his qualifying
match. Yu have to wonder why he and Ted are even up
to be in this match.
Mark Henry vs. Ted Dibiase
takes Ted’s offense and then tosses him to the
floor. On the outside, Ted pulls his shoulder into
the ring post to gain the upper hand only to be
punched back. Dibiase slings Henry into the ring
steps then runs back into the ring to restart the
count just in time. Back in, Dibiase works the arm
more with leg drops and elbow drops on the shoulder
for two. Dibiase wrenches the arm but Henry fights
out. Dibiase tries for Dream Street but Henry throws
him off and delivers a clothesline. Henry runs into
a kick and Dibiase comes off the ropes with a cross
body. Dibiase blocks the Strongest Slam but slipping
to the ring apron and racking his arm over the top
rope. A version of the flatliner picks up a three
….stupid movie. I
guess my earlier prediction stands corrected.
Apparently it will be between Kingston and Big Show.
They take some time out to talk about the passing of
Jack Brisco recently and run a video package of his
Random Commercial Thought: Goddamned
Back to the show. Women’s
Wrestling!…Bathroom break! We get a replay of Gail
earning her title opportunity when we cut to her in
the back getting confronted by Maryse. Maryse
pretends to want to have a straight up competition
and then leaves. Weird. Miz is talking to Show in
the back talking about how they will both be
champions. Miz calls Shatner T.J. Hooker and Big
Show asks him if he just said that, to which he
corrects himself to Captain Kirk. CM Punk and crew
appear to say they are here to claim their rightful
title shots. Things are then interrupted by the….Raw
Match Negotiator. Oh my god. Shatner makes a Triple
Threat tag team match for the title next week.
In the back, Trips is trying to cheer Michaels up
and he just stalks off to go write angry poetry.
Kofi Kingston makes his way out for his match as we
go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought:
Try not to think about physics. They might change
when you do.
Back to the show where Kingston
is ready to square off with Show when Miz interrupts
Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show
Apparently he just came down to sit at ringside.
Show starts slapping Kingston around like a rag
doll. Show delivers hammering blows to the back and
Kingston starts wailing back only to eat a knee to
the midsection and be tossed across the ring. Show
misses a running kick and ends up hanging himself on
the top rope. It’s so awkward that it looks like he
just stepped over the ropes himself for the hell of
it. Kingston dropkicks him to the floor as we go to
Random Commercial Thought: Sonic
workers are paid as tipped employees. I’ll be damned
if I tip anyone who does the same thing any other
fast food restaurant does.
Kofi got speared
during the break and is now being pummeled by Big
Show. Show works a headlock but Kofi uses a
jawbreaker to get loose. Kofi is tossed to the floor
and Miz stalks over to taunt Kofi as he rolls
around. MVP dives out of the crowd to attack Miz
from behind and chase him out. Huh. Kofi catches Big
Show with a jaw breaker on the ring apron and
botches a leap to the top rope. He tries to recover
and hit a side kick off the top. Kingston tries to
recover the rhythm here with dropkicks and finally
seems to with the boom drop. Big Show gets a choke
slam set up and Kofi starts flailing around, hitting
him in the eye. Show tries for the knock out punch
on Kingston but he ducks it and it knocks out the
ref. Show calls for a new ref. The new ref calls for
Show gets pissed
because he was blinded in one eye when he
accidentally punched him and looks like he’s going
to cry. Aw.
Random Commercial Thought:
Chicken has universal power.
Back to the
show. Next week we are having Carl Edwards, another
NASCAR driver. Now we’re repeating ourselves. King
is in the ring to introduce William Shatner to the
ring. Shatner falls onto King on his way in and we
do a bit of a goofy gag about him wanting to know if
he’s ok. Willy goes on to introduce his fellow
Canadian, Bret Hart. I have to say these days Bret
Hart looks more like Ozzie Osborne dressing up like
Bret Hart. Bret demands Vince get his ass down here
right now. In a completely unrelated note, Pokemon
has been confirmed to be having a fifth generation
of games after the current ones, because catching
GOD wasn’t good enough.
Vince answers the
challenge and says he’s never regretted anything
he’s ever said or done to Bret Hart. Hart says
that’s the first honest thing he’s ever said to him.
He calls him the world’s greatest liar. He says
Vince was far from a father to him, he couldn’t even
lace up his father’s jock strap. Probably not. I
heard that was difficult. Bret gives us our second
recovery sob story. Bret goes on for a bit before
saying he’d like to kick Vince’s ass right here and
now. Who hasn’t? Vince says the “Best there is,
etc.” thing is a pile of bullshit. Vince tells him
he’s not a hero to anyone, not even Canada. That’s
sad. I’m pretty sure Hockey players are heroes
there. He goes on to say Bret has no personality and
if his opponents hadn’t had personalities he’d be
completely unimportant. Bret keeps asking if he’s
finished and Vince keeps going on, saying no. I keep
wondering how long this shtick is going to continue.
He also says he won’t be nominating Stu because he
doesn’t deserve it. Bret proceeds to kick the shit
out of him and put on the sharpshooter until Batista
comes in and starts wailing on him.
odd. Batista holds Bret for Vince to throw a fit and
spit in his face. The show just kind of ends with
Batista still holding Bret who is crying.
Highlight of the Night: Orton and Michaels
put on a pretty good match, but Highlight goes to
William Shatner sings WWE. I want an actual album of
the Night: Ted Dibiase absolutely annihilates
Mark Henry to get into the Elimination Chamber. I
wouldn’t have been happy with either option, but
Dibiase is far from what one would consider viable
as a contender.
WWE “Creative” Award: Bret Hart returns to
drag out this storyline that for no reason no
involves Batista. I couldn’t care less.