WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

January 31, 2011

Have I ever mentioned how much NCIS sucks as a show? Oh, also Alberto Del Rio won this little thing called the Royal Rumble. Maybe you've heard of it? It came down to him and Santino. Sounds good to me. Miz and Edge retained so we're sure to find out who Alberto plans to challenge, though I would imagine WWE would never want to put Alberto against another heel because we HAVE to have a bad guy and a good guy in their world. Tonight also features a rerun of last week as Edge and Miz will be mixing it up again with a stipulation that there "must" be a winner.

Raw 01.31.11

Theme and pyro lead us to Ricardo who introduces a full mariachi band and dancers before Alberto arrives in his car. He says we never listen because it was his destiny and Ricardo reminds us of that too. That guy's face looks so greasy that I suspect he lives entirely off of a diet of the white stuff in Oreo cookies. He says he hired the best mariachi in Mexico because they only play for him and the Mexican President…and probably the drug lords that actually control the country. He mention Beiber who gets a disgustingly large pop from girls in the audience. He says he's already made a decision on who he will face and it will be…in Spanish? Miz appears to answer this call that may or may not hae been directed at him.

Miz says that was almost as impressive as doing everything he's done, and he hopes Alberto chooses him because he's going to still have the belt by then and he plans to rape Alberto's face Japanese tentacle monster style. Miz says Edge will lose his belt in the Chamber, but he plans to retain. I don't like how we have a Chamber in between these two PPVs now so that it's possible to hotshot any big name into the main event at the last second with no build at all. He starts saying things that Edge has said about Alberto in order to egg him on to challenge Edge. Riley says Edge called him a JBL/Tito crossover. That was funny. Alberto sees through the curtain of lies.

Edge arrives and talks some shit to Alberto's face and Alberto declares he plans to challenge Edge for the title so Edge casually knocks him flat on his ass. Oddly, all twenty people in the ring run from this one punch because apparently he was going to emit some kind of energy wave out of his body onto everybody like a DBZ character I guess? Alberto hits him from behind after Miz distracts and takes Edge down with a shot from a guitar before applying his arm breaker for a while. Oh good, we're getting another rematch of last week but this time the tag titles will be on the line.

Random Commercial Thought: Jesus FUCKING Christ, black guys dressed up as fat black women is NOT FUNNY. Stop making these movies.

Back to the show for a recap of what just happened. The GM immediately joins us following this. This had better end by Wrestlemania or it has officially gone on for way too long. It's a second chance Rumble to determine who will be in the Chamber and who will face Miz for the title at the Chamber PPV. Morrison, Punk, Orton, Truth (what?), Sheamus and Jerry Lawler…oh yeah and Cena. That guy.

WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina vs. Husky Harris & Mike McNeedsANewName (Tag Team Title Match)

Santino starts out with Mike. Santino wrestles him down and goes to a headlock. Mike slips his hands under Santino's one piece at one points which is kind of weird. Mike forces Santino to the corner (still creepy) and pounds Santino (yep still creepy) until the ref pulls him off. Kozlov gets the tag and rams Mike with shoulder charges in the corner, but a low kick manages to turn the tables and Harris tags in as they pimp Triple H's new movie no one will be going to see. Husky gets beat down and Santino tags in to immediately run into a sloppy kick to the midsection. Santino fights back with punches and leaps up into a punch from Harris in what I assume was going to be a cross body.

Mike tags in and they double team corner splashes on Santino for a two count. Okay, that was the funniest replay I've ever seen. They fucked it up and just showed a single random punch on Santino. I assume they meant to show the corner splashes, but some tech guy is getting fired as we go to commercial and Santino goes to the floor.

Random Commercial Thought: All I want is to get to eat my own chips.

Back to the show where we are told Santino has been "horizontal" for a while now. Yeah.…Kozlov blocks an attempt by Mike to knock him off the apron with a head butt. Harris tags in with Kozlov and gets tied into head butts. Mike dropkicks Kozlov to the corner where Santino blind tags and dumps him to the floor before nailing Harris with the Cobra for the three. Winners: Vlad & Santino

Orton charges the ring afterward and RKOS Mike and Harris. Orton prepares for a kick on Harris' head when CM Punk interrupts with Otunga and Ryan to tell him not to do that. Harris stays bent over forever. Must have be the same reason he enjoyed being whipped. Orton is almost talked out of it before he eventually delivers the punt anyway and leaves the Nexus with their knocked out member. Orton stares off with them from the audience as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Somebody killed our squirrel.

Back to the show where Ted Dibiase is here and he says Jerry Lawler's career is over and he doesn't need anymore opportunities so he should step aside and let him into the match in place of Lawler. Jerry goes to respond by Cole takes the microphone to speak for him. God damnit. Cole calls Jerry a legend and hall of famer. He then says King's selfish and self-centered narcissistic ego will not allow him to step aside for Ted. King finally takes the microphone back and says he won't give his spot up to anybody because he's been in the WWE for 18 years and never had a Wrestlemania match and his road starts tonight. Just give it up guys, this storyline is killing me inside. He reminds Cole he would be WWE champion right now and he's already proven he can beat the Miz and he plans to win tonight. Ted cheap shots him and runs away. King decides to give chase, but Ted uses Maryse as a shield. Punch her. I would. Maryse turns on Ted and slaps him before leaving him to fend for himself and get knocked flat.

Cole does another rant about getting Jerry fired if he touches him as he complains about him getting involved, blah blah.

Random Commercial Thought: This commercial looks like an add for a horror movie, probably the Undertaker's return though.

The Bellas are evil now and on the microphone with King and Cole.

US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ Gail Kim vs. Tyson Kidd (Non-Title Match)

Okay, camera guy, could you show me the match instead of the Bellas and Gail. I'm missing half of the moves. Tyson picks up a two count and Daniel comes back with a back flip out of a side slam attempt into a tripping kick. They all talk shit on King and Bryan. Daniel meanwhile locks on the LaBell Lock for the win.

Winner: Bryan

The Bellas interrupt on the Gail/Bryan make out session in the ring and slap him so Gail fights back and gets into a three way….fight. I like the ref who did the terrible duty of pulling a Bella off and just laying on her. Poor guy. Now that we missed most of that match, on to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I still can't get over there being another Big Momma sequel.

Back to the show for the champion vs. champion match.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley (Non-Title Match)

Edge scores an early neck breaker for two. Miz decides to take a trip to the floor, and Edge goes to drag him back in by the hair, but Miz racks the arm over the top rope. Edge is sent shoulder-first into the steel steps and Miz picks up a two count off of it back in the ring. Miz works what I think is a key lock. I know I've seen it used in MMA often, though of course he only softly applies it. Edge tries to fight free, but Miz delivers an arm breaker. Riley hits Edge from outside the ring while Miz distracts the ref. Miz goes back to applying an arm bar. Miz just works some more arm bars over and over until Edge makes the ropes. Edge gets a sunset flip from the apron without the flip part for a two count. Miz comes back with a slam to pick up two of his own, and back to the arm.

Edge tries a back body drop when they are back to their feet, but Miz kicks him in the head. They both boot each other in the jaw and start a standing ten count. Maybe we're going for a Rocky II finish. Edge plants Miz when they get to their feet with that move I always forget the name of. They botch both that move and the face buster that follows. Cole says he's going to celebrate when King loses at the bar. Edge sunset flips in the corner over a charge by Miz for two, but Miz immediately levels Edge when he gets to his feet and picks up two of his own. Miz leaps off the top rope into a kick from Edge and a face buster. Edge sets up for the spear in the corner and Riley warns Miz who dodges, sending Edge to the corner. Cena arrives through the crowd now to distract Miz on the microphone. Cena starts a "Miz is awful" chant as Edge levels Miz with a spear for the three.

Winner: Edge

I'm muting the TV now during segments that aren't the wrestlers talking, I'm officially tired of the whiny Cole persona. I give up on this. I made it one hour into this broadcast. Cole is up in Riley's face. Probably bitching like a girl.

Random Commercial Thought: What's up with all the rodent mascots?

Vickie joins us as we return saying that Edge's title will be defended in a way it has never been defended before as we go to commercial. Natalya and Eve are apparently okay with Eve now being the champion instead as they come out.

Laycool vs. Diva's Champion Eve Torres & Natalya

Who is Michelle McCool fucking again? Oh right, the Undertaker. Natalya slams Michelle for a couple of two counts right away. She springs up after a head lock take down and a delivers a back body drop. Michelle pushes her off and makes the tag to Layla. Layla screams and covers up when Natalya approaches before crying as Natalya carries her over head. Oh god this is stupid. She runs and hugs Michelle at ringside. Kinky. Natalya levels Layla for two with a chickenwing suplex. Eve tags in and hit's a dropkick before managing to botch two simple kicks in a row and pick up two off of a moonsault. Layla kicks out the knee, but Eve charges her to the corner and sets Layla up on the top. Michelle kicks Eve down from the apron with a shot to the head and a flip over neck breaker gets three from Layla. The ref was somehow distracted by Natalya during that who was actually doing nothing but standing there.

Winners: Laycool

Random Commercial Thought: Since when were cars rock concerts?

Back to the show where Great Khali is teaming with Mark Henry,. I'm so sorry. Before their match can get started though, the GM interrupts. The GM says the Usos don't have a chance so the match has been altered to give them a fighting chance….in a dance off. See you later, folks!

Team Huge and Useless vs. The Usos….just Useless

Guess what? It sucked. The Usos then jumped them and got their asses kicked by a choke slam and a world's strongest slam. Khali still went for the pin and they never even announced a winner of this trash. Random Commercial Thought: What's wrong with Papa John's? I like it. Back to the show for a trailer about that Triple H movie. Snack break! When I got back, school had been cancelled for kids in all over the city due to ice and they were introducing John Morrison for the rumble.



Random Commercial Thought: Welcome back.

Back to the show where we learn the title will be defended on Smackdown in a 3 on 2 handicap match. Good suspense building there.

Raw Rumble Match

Morrison starts out with Sheamus and works a headlock. Sheamus takes control and tries to dump Morrison over the corner but he kicks his way free and forces Sheamus to the corner. The counter starts while Morrison is mounting punches in the corner. Morrison eats the Irish Curse and John Cena arrives. Cena goes straight into his bulldog and fisherman suplex on Sheamus before going for an FU on Morrison. Morrison flips out of it and delivers an enziguiri to Cena. Morrison stomps on both men and kicks Cena into a corner before trying to awkwardly eliminate Sheamus. Cena attacks, but Sheamus gains the advantage on both men as the counter runs down to CM Punk. Punk immediately puts Cena down with the Pepsi One and kicks out Morrison, also pummeling Sheamus into the corner.

Punk gains complete control for the time being as he drops Cena with a heel kick, trying to eliminate Morrison in the corner afterward. Morrison holds a head scissor as Sheamus is trying to dump Cena. Morrison drags punk over the ropes, but they both escape. The counters runs up again and now we get Truth. Truth clotheslines Cena a few times and delivers the big arm drag and splits to side kick on Cena. Truth tries to dump Morrison who skins the cat and head scissors Truth over the ropes. They both hold on and go to simultaneously flip back in, but Truth fucks it up and awkwardly kind of rolls over the ropes after a few tries. Ha ha. Cena goes for an FU on punk who counters to a DDT. Truth is trying to avoid being eliminated by Sheamus when King arrives. King levels everyone. I'm embarrassed. They even had him knock out Cena twice. Lawler tries to dump punk, but Sheamus catches him with a shot to the kidneys. Sheamus tries to dump Lawler who holds onto the bottom rope.

The final countdown finishes up as Orton arrives. Punk meanwhile has slid under the bottom rope and is hiding under the ring. Orton is looking under the ring for him instead of entering the ring and drags him out by the legs. The chase leads back into the ring where Orton starts clothes lining his way to Punk through other men and sends Punk of the ropes, but Truth dumps him from behind as well.

Random Commercial Thought: Nicholas Cage has never made a truly bad movie. It's always good….in some way.

Back to the show where Cena is in control on sheamus with the five knuckle shuffle. Truth attacks from behind but Cena stacks him and Morrison in the corner for a charge and a double dump over them over the ropes. Morrison hangs on and Truth is out. Cena tries to back hands Morrison off but he ducks and drags Cena to the apron for a slugfest. Sheamus tries to take them both out but they dodge and he joins them on the apron. Sheamus shoves Morrison to the ring post and recover sinto the ring as Cena comes in as well. Lawler gets run down by Sheamus. Morrison is trying to splex Sheamus to the floor as they both block so Morrison rams back in. Sheamus goes to shoves him out but Morrison catches himself by his toes on the bottom rope and slides back in to try and toss Sheamus from behind. Sheamus hangs in and delivers a flying shoulder block to Morrison before being locked in the STF by Cena.

Morrison delivers Starship Pain to Cena while he has the hold locked on still and Lawler tries to chuck Morrison who saves himself by standing on his hands and climbing back in. Cena eats a flash kick and it's back to Morrison and Sheamus. Sheamus catches Morrison out of mid air and tries to dump him but he hangs on again only to take the pump kick and finally fall. Sheamus takes an FU and Lawler dropkicks Cena to the ropes before trying to go for the elimination. Cena is forced to the apron. This looks silly. Sheamus attacks Lawler from behind and tries to punch Cena off the apron. WWE please don't do what I think you want to do. Sheamus dodges Lawler from behind who rams into Cena and knocks him off. Cena pulls the ropes down and when Lawler dumps the pump kick, Sheamus eliminates himself. FUCK YOU, WWE!

Winner: Lawler

Cena holds Lawler's hand up and taunts Cole who silently yells at them from ringside thanks to the power of mute. I just realized that Lawler is headlining a PPV in 2011. Let that sink in.

Highlight of the Night: It might have been the Tyson Kidd/Bryan match if I had been allowed to watch it instead of everything else going on.

Lowlight of the Night: Every time Michael Cole was speaking.

WWE "Creative" Award: Whoever keeps writing these announcer feuds. They need to die in a fire of burning flame death. AAAARRRG!

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.