WWE
RAW RANT:
(01/25/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the best damn raw rant period. Unfortunately tonight’s show is hosted by the guys from Psych and not Jerry Springer or William Shatner. Guess I’ll just have to keep SUFFERING until we get such great guest hosts. And by great, I mean: What the fuck were they thinking? I would like to take this moment to say that racial diversity is out of control. Now we got to where half of our commercials need to make sure they show one person of every major racial category or we are being unforgivably racist. As if being excluded from a commercial about breakfast burritos will set back racial equality by 500 years.

Raw 01.25.10

Show opens with theme and we are directly to ringside for DX’s entrance. While they take their dear sweet time, we get a replay of last week’s declarations by people that they would be winning the Rumble, concluding with Trips dumping Shawn who seems to be hunky dory with that now. Several different chant wars are going on at the moment, making it hard to understand anyone. Trips pauses in his spiel to ask where the midget is, and Michaels says he sent him home because this is serious. Shawn says he needs this win so he can end Taker’s streak and asks Hunter to look at it from his perspective for once in his life. Shawn wants to know if it’s too much to ask. Trips says they are done running around and telling jokes because it’s Rumble Time. Bullshit I bet you’ll make a dumbass joke tonight even. Trips says they can work together to the end, but then it’s every man for himself. Trips says they’ll always be friends, like that time he
pretended to reform DX and then pedigreed the fuck out of him. HBK wins some big crowd favor as Shawn says he understands and Legacy appears to for their match.

Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X vs. Legacy (Non-title Match)

Trips starts us off with Rhodes and works him over in the corner, running him down with a clothesline. Dibiase drags Cody out of the ring when Trips goes for a pedigree for the save. Cole tells us we have BREAKING NEWS OMG about our guest hosts as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: We here at Playstation wish we were useful as something other than a more expensive 360/Less Expensive Blue-Ray. Please…please buy our games….

As we return both Rhodes and Trips are down and Michaels gets the tag, taking Rhodes down with some flying forearms and a nip up. He goes through his general set up before climbing up top. We find out one half of our hosts didn’t show so we are just getting the black guy. Booooo. Dibiase pulls Cody out of the ring again so Michaels just leaps off the top with a cross body on both of them outside instead. He tosses Cody in and then works on Dibiase some more like an idiot so when he gets back in, Cody catches him halfway in with a neck breaker. Dibiase makes the tag and starts stomping Michaels down and laying in with big punches. The ref has to drag him out of the corner since this match isn’t supposed to end on a DQ. The weakest double team ever ensues with the tag in which they both just lightly stomp on Shawn’s toes.

Cody lays Michaels out and picks up a two count before trading back out to Dibiase for some more double teaming. A dropkick from Dibiase crushes Michaels for another two. Dibiase uses a snap mare and a running kick to the head for another two. Dibiase throws a fit at the two count, forgetting that weak little beginner moves don’t win matches. He might have more of a right to be angry if he actually had a moveset that included moves that looked like they could finish someone besides one. Rhodes is back in with another two count. He works a front headlock and Michaels tries to stretch but Rhodes knocks Trips off the apron. Shawn gets a back body drop but Trips is nowhere to be seen.

Dibiase attacks from behind and weirdly sells a weak super kick to the chest. Michaels makes the tag and Trips crushes Dibaise in the corner, hitting a face buster and then spine busters on both men. He goes for the pedigree on Rhodes and Shawn tags himself in. They stare down and Rhodes pushes him into Michaels. They seem to get pissed before Trips steps aside and Michaels super kicks Dibiase. Michaels then ducks a clothesline from Trips that nails Rhodes. Shawn picks up the three on Dibiase.
Winners: DX

They replay what we just saw because as TV Tropes will tell you, Viewers are Morons. We get a sneak peek of the John Cena episode of Psych coming up, so time to take a break.

Random Commercial Thought: So echoes the call of Cthulhu!

We are back to a replay of last week’s attack on MVP by the Big Show before going to ringside for a match between the two. I have to say I’m a bit intrigued what they will do with these two. Big Show can be entertaining when the match is worked right, but it’s a bit of a pain to see them only work his size most of the time. MVP gives a promo about the Miz and how he will win the title when they finally face off, but Miz is out with his new Theme music, complete with advertisement on the screen in case you wanted to buy it. It even has him saying “AWESOOOOOME!” before he comes out. The Miz took promo lessons from Triple H on how to deal with black people I suppose as he continues to bring up the prison term. MVP calls him a jackass and has to explain what “ballers” are which I thought had something to do with gay porn. They start talking over each other and Miz says he would like nothing more than to have their match right now, but MVP calls
him out on that offer. Miz says Big Show wants to make a statement though and wanders off.

MVP vs. The Big Show

Big Show just withstands MVP’s early shots and slams him into the corner, delivering a big head butt and some choking. MVP takes a hard chop to the chest while MVP has decided to continue watching this match from the top of the ring entrance like an evil mastermind. MVP hit’s a face buster and forces Big Show to the corner. MVP follows through with his big running kick in the corner. Show takes it but just comes back out with a choke slam for the win.
Winner: Show

Miz dives into the ring and taunts with his belt like he won he match. Kind of like a hyena. We learn McMahon will announce his official decision on Hart tonight.

Random Commercial Thought: Germans feast of the flesh of human babies.

Back to the show where Rhodes and Dibiase are being whiny emo gits. Rhodes tries to man up and thank Dibiase for…something. Orton interrupts and says for the last few months they’ve had tension. If by months you mean weeks. Orton says they lost to DX and last week Sheamus owned him with no backup. Orton tries to give them some kind of pep talk that makes no sense at all. Who the fuck wrote this speech? It has no logical flow and just touches on random things like it’s only there to be a speech.

We cut to Cena in the back with that black guy from Psych who has a beard for some reason right now. Okay okay, I know his name. Hill says James is having an appendectomy. Bummer. Hilarious Cena gets a female pop when he barely exposes the corner of his abs to say he had one. After Cena leaves, Miz arrives to say Psych wasted their time with Cena instead of him. Hill gives him a match for being an asshole and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Who gives a shit about Papa John’s life? Just give me his damn pizza.

We return to Maryse who might as well have “I automatically win this match” on her entrance thing, since Eve can’t wrestle her way out of a paper bag, let alone be booked as champion. Thinking back though, I imagine it’s possible for someone to be that stupid. She gets interrupted during French by massive pyro when Hill is seen excitedly playing with them. He takes offense at being called a loser and being yelled at in French. Eve arrives now.

They tie up awkwardly and Eve beats Maryse into the corner. She delivers a week shoving kick and Maryse slaps her. Eve goes for her signature completely missing dropkick for a quick cover. Maryse eats a hair pull slam and has to oversell while Eve taunts and delivers a flip over senton for two. Eve comes in with a clothesline in the corner and a scoop slam. She climbs to the top for a moonsault but nobody is home and Maryse crawls up. Maryse decides to just go for a DDT, but Eve counters with a northern lights for two. Huh. I guess she learned a few moves. Maryse blocks an Irish Whip and nails Eve in the gut and hit’s the “French Kiss” DDT.
Winner: Maryse

Vince is headed through the back as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: WHY ISN’T SPEED RACER IN THAT GAME AFGHAGLFGAAAA RAAAAAGE!

And after that mental breakdown, we’re back. Vince says he would dare Taker to come out and call him a coward if he were here tonight. Thankfully he isn’t since we don’t have enough time in the show for his entrance! *rimshot* Vince says we forgot about Hart until someone bothered to remind us, which is probably true in some cases. Of course some big We Want Bret chants start up. Vince says Bret Hart will never again appear in the WWE, which is of course the same announcement he made last time. He says he does what’s right for business and asks if the crowd knows more about business than him so the entrie arena is full of billionaires. It would be if you ever paid us compiling back owed pay from the time you hired us all and then fired us all. Vince asks some “fans” at ringside if they think he’s afraid of him. Vince walks through the crowd and someone says the good reason to bring Bret back is because he’s awesome. He still wants a good
business reason. Hmm, maybe because people would buy tickets even if he is a washed up sandstone monument of a man these days?

He thanks everyone for the consideration and kindness but we get our obligatory appearance by John Cena now. Cena says he isn’t out here to change his mind, since we all know where he stands. He says he never had a problem with him until just recently since he referred to Bret Hart as garbage and since he’s superface he can’t let you do that to legends like Bret and Piper. They trade fashion tips for a second. He says Vince treats wrestlers like trash, tossing them away when used up. Oh so that’s what happened to Owen. Please send your hate mail express, I’ll be hiding in my flame bunker. Cena calls him pathetic and then orders Vince to invite Bret Hart to Raw next week so they get a chance to confront each other face to face. Cena says if he doesn’t invite Hart back, then on Vince’s 90th birthday in 30 years, he’ll hoist him out of his chair and knock his false teeth down his throat. That was kind of funny. Vince stops him from leaving
to order that we listen to him. He invites Bret back next week and says he’ll not flinch. He goes on to make a match for Cena against Sheamus. Fuck you Vince. God damnit.

Random Commercial Thought: You don’t fuck with Charlie Daniels.

Back to the show and Miz with another ad for his theme song. Buy our stuff. Buy our stuff. BUY OUR STUFF. He’s going up against Kofi Kingston it seems. Oh now he’s specifically from Ghana again. They need to make up their minds on that.

United States Champion The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston (Non-Title Match)

Kofi starts off with some cross bodies that both get a one count. He tires for a third one and Miz finally decides to not get hit by it, nailing him with a kick to the face in mid leap for two. Miz goes to a chinlock with some chest hammering a la Orton before working it down to the mat. Kofi works up and out of the hold, but Miz slams him down by the head and delivers a running kick for a two count. Miz hit’s a leg drop and we are back to the chinlocks. Miz levels Kingston with a neck breaker and seems set up to win when MVP’s entrance music hits to distract. He turns right into Trouble in Paradise.
Winner: Kingston

That’s one good psychic sound technician to know MVP was going to come out so spontaneously. We cut to “somewhere” where Hill is being shown into the production truck by Carlito. Carlito says he should have asked him to help at first. The tech guy shows them Carlito’s graphic. Carlito wants to be in a title match. Hill wants to make a match for Carlito next. He accidentally makes it Carlito vs. Kelly Kelly. He decides he ought to do it again, but Carlito tells him it’s fine. Carlito decides not to stretch or change or anything even though his match will be hard. He heads off to his fate as the new Santino as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: America has some kind of women being stalked by monsters fetish now.

Back to the show where Carlito is already in the ring in his street clothes. He looks hilarious in a button up with his hair pulled back like that. Whenever I see this guy these days I just get the idea that he’s phoning it in so hard that he’s surprised each week to find they haven’t tried to fire him yet. Santino comes out after Kelly and with the mighty power of unibrow, he presents the Best of Raw 2009 DVD and says he looks like an idiot in it a lot. He says he’ll get in the 2010 one and will win the Rumble after taking Kelly’s place in this match. Jack Swagger then takes him out from behind. Carlito casually leaves. Swagger proceeds to wreck Santino in the ring and chuck him over the top rope. Swagger then runs around the ring like an idiot. In America. Swagger finishes Santino off with an exploder suplex on the floor. Well that was all pointless. Just to top off this waist of our lives, they remind us of a Cena Sheamus rematch. God.

Random Commercial Thought: Giving Rey Mysterio angel wings makes him look like a midget version of the Rock in that Tooth Fairy movie.

Back to the show for a Royal Rumble advertisement that breaks down important numbers concerning the Rumble before the announcers take over and run down the rest of the card for us. I still want to know what genius booked Sheamus and Orton. In the back, Cena and Hill are shilling the show some more. They continue to talk about our missing host who is on speaker phone now. Roday makes a “witty” comment about Sheamus being a pale motherfucker who could reflect enough rays off the sun to BURN DOWN AN AFRICAN VILLAGE. Alicia Fox arrives to ask if they are really psychic Hill hangs up on Roday when he tries to say he’s psychic and instead Hill hooks up with Fox and says he’ll stay at ringside for her to help her win as a good luck charm. She says if he’s wrong about her win….and runs off. Cena says she might have meant she’ll have Mark Henry rip out his appendix. I…would actually pay to see that.

Random Commercial Thought: Am I the only person who doesn’t think the chick on Burn Notice is hot?

Back to the show. Hill is trying to talk over the announcer since he doesn’t realize we can’t hear him.

Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim

Alicia starts off strong until Gail hit’s foot press on her. She slams Alicia from the apron back into the ring but Alicia turns the table in the corner and rams Kim into the corner. A tilt a whirl back breaker picks up a two count for Alicia. Gail is slammed into the corner hard and Fox taunts her before missing a running kick in the corner and turning into a pwoerslam for two from Kim. Fox hit’s a small package for two on the pick up. Gail comes in with a kick and a punch as they awkwardly stumble around before Gail spins Fox around and falls into her finisher with the boot to the jaw.
Winner: Kim

Hill looks like someone tore his nuts off as Alicia throws a fit at ringside. Hill tries to talk his way out but eats a huge bitch slap that absolutely levels his wimpy ass. Apparently it was a good enough slap to show two more times.

Random Commercial Thought: Could it possibly get any worse?

Back to the show. Next week, William Shatner hosts! Oh. I stand corrected. It could. Sheamus heads to the ring for our main event that I’m pretty sure nobody wanted to see.

WWE Champion Sheamus vs. John Cena (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus wins a battle of strength, forcing Cena to the corner so he taunts like he did something awesome. Cena gets a waist lock but Sheamus immediately runs to the ropes. Cena taunts him instead. Cena comes in with rights now and the bulldog out of the corner for two. Sheamus hits an elbow out of the corner on Cena and starts delivering some hard blows. Sheamus stomps Cena down into the ground in the corner but Cena is back with a fisherman’s suplex for another two. Sheamus with more….clotheslines and oh my god he did a suplex, a wrestling move! Sheamus picks up two off the weak ass suplex which is apparently magically damaging. Cena eats more punches. Cole claims Sheamus has ran through everyone. Jamie Noble, Evan Bourne…um…uh…never mind. Sheamus picks up another two off of something I didn’t see so Sheamus starts choking him out on the ropes.

Cena is kicked from the ring apron to the floor. Cena crawls back in and ducks a knock out shot, scooping Sheamus into the FU, but Sheamus reverses into a DDT and picks up a two count. Cena stumbles into a scoop slam and Sheamus pins him for another two. Sheamus decides to work a rest hold for the hell of it and Cena just powers out into the STF. Sheamus kicks him off, sending him to the floor. Sheamus follows to the floor and sends Cena into the steel steps. Back in the ring Sheamus decides to chill his heels for the count out. Cena dives in at nine and just lays there. Cena dodges an elbow drop and goes into his general offense. He does some weird tie adjusting taunt before the You Can’t See Me. I have no idea what that shit was about besides being weird. Sheamus comes back from the Five Knuckle Shuffle with a Sambo into a back breaker that Cole calls a: “Backbreaker, knee to the back spine.” I’m not joking. Those were the exact words.

Cena dodges Sheamus’ kick with the drop toe hold into the STF, but it’s right by the ropes. Sheamus rolls to the floor as the hold is broken and catches Cena with the kick when he tries to follow suit. Sheamus rolls back to the ring to try for the count out. However, at eight, Orton appears and delivers an RKO to Sheamus.
Winner: Sheamus

Orton does his creepy little slithering on the ground stuff to taunt and drags Cena off the middle ropes into the suspended DDT, but Cena counters by slipping in with the FU. Odd.

Highlight of the Night: Was probably the segment between Hill and Fox in the back. Sad to say that on a wrestling program, but what can you do.

Lowlight of the Night: Cena vs. Sheamus? Uuhhhg….

WWE “Creative” Award: What is the point of this Vince/Hart thing that can’t possibly pay off in a match? It’s just a time waster to bring him back for this.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.