Welcome back to the best
damn raw rant period. Unfortunately tonight’s show
is hosted by the guys from Psych and not Jerry
Springer or William Shatner. Guess I’ll just have to
keep SUFFERING until we get such great guest hosts.
And by great, I mean: What the fuck were they
thinking? I would like to take this moment to say
that racial diversity is out of control. Now we got
to where half of our commercials need to make sure
they show one person of every major racial category
or we are being unforgivably racist. As if being
excluded from a commercial about breakfast burritos
will set back racial equality by 500 years.
Show opens with theme and we are
directly to ringside for DX’s entrance. While they
take their dear sweet time, we get a replay of last
week’s declarations by people that they would be
winning the Rumble, concluding with Trips dumping
Shawn who seems to be hunky dory with that now.
Several different chant wars are going on at the
moment, making it hard to understand anyone. Trips
pauses in his spiel to ask where the midget is, and
Michaels says he sent him home because this is
serious. Shawn says he needs this win so he can end
Taker’s streak and asks Hunter to look at it from
his perspective for once in his life. Shawn wants to
know if it’s too much to ask. Trips says they are
done running around and telling jokes because it’s
Rumble Time. Bullshit I bet you’ll make a dumbass
joke tonight even. Trips says they can work together
to the end, but then it’s every man for himself.
Trips says they’ll always be friends, like that time
pretended to reform DX and then pedigreed the
fuck out of him. HBK wins some big crowd favor as
Shawn says he understands and Legacy appears to for
Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X vs. Legacy
Trips starts us off
with Rhodes and works him over in the corner,
running him down with a clothesline. Dibiase drags
Cody out of the ring when Trips goes for a pedigree
for the save. Cole tells us we have BREAKING NEWS
OMG about our guest hosts as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: We here at Playstation
wish we were useful as something other than a more
expensive 360/Less Expensive Blue-Ray. Please…please
buy our games….
As we return both Rhodes and
Trips are down and Michaels gets the tag, taking
Rhodes down with some flying forearms and a nip up.
He goes through his general set up before climbing
up top. We find out one half of our hosts didn’t
show so we are just getting the black guy. Booooo.
Dibiase pulls Cody out of the ring again so Michaels
just leaps off the top with a cross body on both of
them outside instead. He tosses Cody in and then
works on Dibiase some more like an idiot so when he
gets back in, Cody catches him halfway in with a
neck breaker. Dibiase makes the tag and starts
stomping Michaels down and laying in with big
punches. The ref has to drag him out of the corner
since this match isn’t supposed to end on a DQ. The
weakest double team ever ensues with the tag in
which they both just lightly stomp on Shawn’s toes.
Cody lays Michaels out and picks up a two count
before trading back out to Dibiase for some more
double teaming. A dropkick from Dibiase crushes
Michaels for another two. Dibiase uses a snap mare
and a running kick to the head for another two.
Dibiase throws a fit at the two count, forgetting
that weak little beginner moves don’t win matches.
He might have more of a right to be angry if he
actually had a moveset that included moves that
looked like they could finish someone besides one.
Rhodes is back in with another two count. He works a
front headlock and Michaels tries to stretch but
Rhodes knocks Trips off the apron. Shawn gets a back
body drop but Trips is nowhere to be seen.
Dibiase attacks from behind and weirdly sells a weak
super kick to the chest. Michaels makes the tag and
Trips crushes Dibaise in the corner, hitting a face
buster and then spine busters on both men. He goes
for the pedigree on Rhodes and Shawn tags himself
in. They stare down and Rhodes pushes him into
Michaels. They seem to get pissed before Trips steps
aside and Michaels super kicks Dibiase. Michaels
then ducks a clothesline from Trips that nails
Rhodes. Shawn picks up the three on Dibiase.
They replay what we just saw
because as TV Tropes will tell you, Viewers are
Morons. We get a sneak peek of the John Cena episode
of Psych coming up, so time to take a break.
Random Commercial Thought: So echoes the call of
We are back to a replay of last
week’s attack on MVP by the Big Show before going to
ringside for a match between the two. I have to say
I’m a bit intrigued what they will do with these
two. Big Show can be entertaining when the match is
worked right, but it’s a bit of a pain to see them
only work his size most of the time. MVP gives a
promo about the Miz and how he will win the title
when they finally face off, but Miz is out with his
new Theme music, complete with advertisement on the
screen in case you wanted to buy it. It even has him
saying “AWESOOOOOME!” before he comes out. The Miz
took promo lessons from Triple H on how to deal with
black people I suppose as he continues to bring up
the prison term. MVP calls him a jackass and has to
explain what “ballers” are which I thought had
something to do with gay porn. They start talking
over each other and Miz says he would like nothing
more than to have their match right now, but MVP
him out on that offer. Miz says Big Show
wants to make a statement though and wanders off.
MVP vs. The Big Show
Big Show just withstands MVP’s early shots and slams
him into the corner, delivering a big head butt and
some choking. MVP takes a hard chop to the chest
while MVP has decided to continue watching this
match from the top of the ring entrance like an evil
mastermind. MVP hit’s a face buster and forces Big
Show to the corner. MVP follows through with his big
running kick in the corner. Show takes it but just
comes back out with a choke slam for the win.
Miz dives into the ring and
taunts with his belt like he won he match. Kind of
like a hyena. We learn McMahon will announce his
official decision on Hart tonight.
Commercial Thought: Germans feast of the flesh of
Back to the show where Rhodes
and Dibiase are being whiny emo gits. Rhodes tries
to man up and thank Dibiase for…something. Orton
interrupts and says for the last few months they’ve
had tension. If by months you mean weeks. Orton says
they lost to DX and last week Sheamus owned him with
no backup. Orton tries to give them some kind of pep
talk that makes no sense at all. Who the fuck wrote
this speech? It has no logical flow and just touches
on random things like it’s only there to be a
We cut to Cena in the back with that
black guy from Psych who has a beard for some reason
right now. Okay okay, I know his name. Hill says
James is having an appendectomy. Bummer. Hilarious
Cena gets a female pop when he barely exposes the
corner of his abs to say he had one. After Cena
leaves, Miz arrives to say Psych wasted their time
with Cena instead of him. Hill gives him a match for
being an asshole and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Who gives a shit about
Papa John’s life? Just give me his damn pizza.
We return to Maryse who might as well have “I
automatically win this match” on her entrance thing,
since Eve can’t wrestle her way out of a paper bag,
let alone be booked as champion. Thinking back
though, I imagine it’s possible for someone to be
that stupid. She gets interrupted during French by
massive pyro when Hill is seen excitedly playing
with them. He takes offense at being called a loser
and being yelled at in French. Eve arrives now.
They tie up awkwardly and Eve beats Maryse into the
corner. She delivers a week shoving kick and Maryse
slaps her. Eve goes for her signature completely
missing dropkick for a quick cover. Maryse eats a
hair pull slam and has to oversell while Eve taunts
and delivers a flip over senton for two. Eve comes
in with a clothesline in the corner and a scoop
slam. She climbs to the top for a moonsault but
nobody is home and Maryse crawls up. Maryse decides
to just go for a DDT, but Eve counters with a
northern lights for two. Huh. I guess she learned a
few moves. Maryse blocks an Irish Whip and nails Eve
in the gut and hit’s the “French Kiss” DDT.
Vince is headed through the
back as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: WHY ISN’T SPEED RACER IN THAT
GAME AFGHAGLFGAAAA RAAAAAGE!
And after that
mental breakdown, we’re back. Vince says he would
dare Taker to come out and call him a coward if he
were here tonight. Thankfully he isn’t since we
don’t have enough time in the show for his entrance!
*rimshot* Vince says we forgot about Hart until
someone bothered to remind us, which is probably
true in some cases. Of course some big We Want Bret
chants start up. Vince says Bret Hart will never
again appear in the WWE, which is of course the same
announcement he made last time. He says he does
what’s right for business and asks if the crowd
knows more about business than him so the entrie
arena is full of billionaires. It would be if you
ever paid us compiling back owed pay from the time
you hired us all and then fired us all. Vince asks
some “fans” at ringside if they think he’s afraid of
him. Vince walks through the crowd and someone says
the good reason to bring Bret back is because he’s
awesome. He still wants a good
Hmm, maybe because people would buy tickets even if
he is a washed up sandstone monument of a man these
He thanks everyone for the
consideration and kindness but we get our obligatory
appearance by John Cena now. Cena says he isn’t out
here to change his mind, since we all know where he
stands. He says he never had a problem with him
until just recently since he referred to Bret Hart
as garbage and since he’s superface he can’t let you
do that to legends like Bret and Piper. They trade
fashion tips for a second. He says Vince treats
wrestlers like trash, tossing them away when used
up. Oh so that’s what happened to Owen. Please send
your hate mail express, I’ll be hiding in my flame
bunker. Cena calls him pathetic and then orders
Vince to invite Bret Hart to Raw next week so they
get a chance to confront each other face to face.
Cena says if he doesn’t invite Hart back, then on
Vince’s 90th birthday in 30 years, he’ll hoist him
out of his chair and knock his false teeth down his
throat. That was kind of funny. Vince stops him from
to order that we listen to him. He
invites Bret back next week and says he’ll not
flinch. He goes on to make a match for Cena against
Sheamus. Fuck you Vince. God damnit.
Commercial Thought: You don’t fuck with Charlie
Back to the show and Miz with
another ad for his theme song. Buy our stuff. Buy
our stuff. BUY OUR STUFF. He’s going up against Kofi
Kingston it seems. Oh now he’s specifically from
Ghana again. They need to make up their minds on
United States Champion The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston
Kofi starts off with
some cross bodies that both get a one count. He
tires for a third one and Miz finally decides to not
get hit by it, nailing him with a kick to the face
in mid leap for two. Miz goes to a chinlock with
some chest hammering a la Orton before working it
down to the mat. Kofi works up and out of the hold,
but Miz slams him down by the head and delivers a
running kick for a two count. Miz hit’s a leg drop
and we are back to the chinlocks. Miz levels
Kingston with a neck breaker and seems set up to win
when MVP’s entrance music hits to distract. He turns
right into Trouble in Paradise.
That’s one good psychic sound technician to know MVP
was going to come out so spontaneously. We cut to
“somewhere” where Hill is being shown into the
production truck by Carlito. Carlito says he should
have asked him to help at first. The tech guy shows
them Carlito’s graphic. Carlito wants to be in a
title match. Hill wants to make a match for Carlito
next. He accidentally makes it Carlito vs. Kelly
Kelly. He decides he ought to do it again, but
Carlito tells him it’s fine. Carlito decides not to
stretch or change or anything even though his match
will be hard. He heads off to his fate as the new
Santino as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: America has some kind of women
being stalked by monsters fetish now.
the show where Carlito is already in the ring in his
street clothes. He looks hilarious in a button up
with his hair pulled back like that. Whenever I see
this guy these days I just get the idea that he’s
phoning it in so hard that he’s surprised each week
to find they haven’t tried to fire him yet. Santino
comes out after Kelly and with the mighty power of
unibrow, he presents the Best of Raw 2009 DVD and
says he looks like an idiot in it a lot. He says
he’ll get in the 2010 one and will win the Rumble
after taking Kelly’s place in this match. Jack
Swagger then takes him out from behind. Carlito
casually leaves. Swagger proceeds to wreck Santino
in the ring and chuck him over the top rope. Swagger
then runs around the ring like an idiot. In America.
Swagger finishes Santino off with an exploder suplex
on the floor. Well that was all pointless. Just to
top off this waist of our lives, they remind us of a
Cena Sheamus rematch. God.
Thought: Giving Rey Mysterio angel wings makes him
look like a midget version of the Rock in that Tooth
Back to the show for a Royal
Rumble advertisement that breaks down important
numbers concerning the Rumble before the announcers
take over and run down the rest of the card for us.
I still want to know what genius booked Sheamus and
Orton. In the back, Cena and Hill are shilling the
show some more. They continue to talk about our
missing host who is on speaker phone now. Roday
makes a “witty” comment about Sheamus being a pale
motherfucker who could reflect enough rays off the
sun to BURN DOWN AN AFRICAN VILLAGE. Alicia Fox
arrives to ask if they are really psychic Hill hangs
up on Roday when he tries to say he’s psychic and
instead Hill hooks up with Fox and says he’ll stay
at ringside for her to help her win as a good luck
charm. She says if he’s wrong about her win….and
runs off. Cena says she might have meant she’ll have
Mark Henry rip out his appendix. I…would actually
pay to see that.
Random Commercial Thought:
Am I the only person who doesn’t think the chick on
Burn Notice is hot?
Back to the show. Hill is
trying to talk over the announcer since he doesn’t
realize we can’t hear him.
Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim
off strong until Gail hit’s foot press on her. She
slams Alicia from the apron back into the ring but
Alicia turns the table in the corner and rams Kim
into the corner. A tilt a whirl back breaker picks
up a two count for Alicia. Gail is slammed into the
corner hard and Fox taunts her before missing a
running kick in the corner and turning into a
pwoerslam for two from Kim. Fox hit’s a small
package for two on the pick up. Gail comes in with a
kick and a punch as they awkwardly stumble around
before Gail spins Fox around and falls into her
finisher with the boot to the jaw.
Hill looks like someone tore his nuts off as Alicia
throws a fit at ringside. Hill tries to talk his way
out but eats a huge bitch slap that absolutely
levels his wimpy ass. Apparently it was a good
enough slap to show two more times.
Commercial Thought: Could it possibly get any worse?
Back to the show. Next week, William Shatner hosts!
Oh. I stand corrected. It could. Sheamus heads to
the ring for our main event that I’m pretty sure
nobody wanted to see.
WWE Champion Sheamus vs. John Cena
Sheamus wins a
battle of strength, forcing Cena to the corner so he
taunts like he did something awesome. Cena gets a
waist lock but Sheamus immediately runs to the
ropes. Cena taunts him instead. Cena comes in with
rights now and the bulldog out of the corner for
two. Sheamus hits an elbow out of the corner on Cena
and starts delivering some hard blows. Sheamus
stomps Cena down into the ground in the corner but
Cena is back with a fisherman’s suplex for another
two. Sheamus with more….clotheslines and oh my god
he did a suplex, a wrestling move! Sheamus picks up
two off the weak ass suplex which is apparently
magically damaging. Cena eats more punches. Cole
claims Sheamus has ran through everyone. Jamie
Noble, Evan Bourne…um…uh…never mind. Sheamus picks
up another two off of something I didn’t see so
Sheamus starts choking him out on the ropes.
Cena is kicked from the ring apron to the floor.
Cena crawls back in and ducks a knock out shot,
scooping Sheamus into the FU, but Sheamus reverses
into a DDT and picks up a two count. Cena stumbles
into a scoop slam and Sheamus pins him for another
two. Sheamus decides to work a rest hold for the
hell of it and Cena just powers out into the STF.
Sheamus kicks him off, sending him to the floor.
Sheamus follows to the floor and sends Cena into the
steel steps. Back in the ring Sheamus decides to
chill his heels for the count out. Cena dives in at
nine and just lays there. Cena dodges an elbow drop
and goes into his general offense. He does some
weird tie adjusting taunt before the You Can’t See
Me. I have no idea what that shit was about besides
being weird. Sheamus comes back from the Five
Knuckle Shuffle with a Sambo into a back breaker
that Cole calls a: “Backbreaker, knee to the back
spine.” I’m not joking. Those were the exact words.
Cena dodges Sheamus’ kick with the drop toe hold
into the STF, but it’s right by the ropes. Sheamus
rolls to the floor as the hold is broken and catches
Cena with the kick when he tries to follow suit.
Sheamus rolls back to the ring to try for the count
out. However, at eight, Orton appears and delivers
an RKO to Sheamus.
does his creepy little slithering on the ground
stuff to taunt and drags Cena off the middle ropes
into the suspended DDT, but Cena counters by
slipping in with the FU. Odd.
Highlight of the Night: Was probably the
segment between Hill and Fox in the back. Sad to say
that on a wrestling program, but what can you do.
Lowlight of the Night: Cena vs. Sheamus?
“Creative” Award: What is the point of this
Vince/Hart thing that can’t possibly pay off in a
match? It’s just a time waster to bring him back for