WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

January 24, 2011

We return the moment we all dread all week long. Over the weekend, I competed in a John Cena DVD Challenge in the game Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Loser had to watch the new Cena DVD collection in its entirety twice in a row without a break and record themselves doing it. I very thankfully won and will not be suffering through this.

Raw 01.24.11

Edge opens the show and is taped up after a beat down by the Corre from last week. Edge says he wants to take on Miz right now and is interrupted by the GM. He gets "that look" as Cole puts on his best douche bag voice to read the e-mail. The Gm says the direspect hasn't been forgotten so he now has to compete in a match against three guys. Whoever can manage to toss Edge over the top rope will be entrant 40 in the Rumble.

Jack Swagger & Drew MacIntyre & Tyson Kidd vs. Edge (Over the Top Rope Challenge)

Jack Swagger rushes in and gets speared by Edge. Drew is beat into the corner and Tyson manages to leap onto Edge but get chucked himself over the top rope. Drew boots Edge in the face before trying to toss him, but Edge blocks himself and Swagger makes the save. Swagger gets dumped to the floor by Edge when he tries to tackle Edge and Drew kicks Edge in the ribs. Edge backdrops him out and wins the match.

Winner: Edge

Edge thanks the Raw GM for getting his juices flowing and says he'd like to do something first. He stalks out to ringside saying it's something he did last time on the show before asking us if we'd like to see a smashed laptop. Ooo! Me! Cole steps in front of the stand to protect it. Chain yourself to it. Nexus interrupts things though. Edge apparently wandered off somewhere during this entrance.

Punk says only the strong survive and reminds us the Rumble will be bigger than ever. Mason Ryan is the Batista2 guy from last week. All he has to say is "faith" in case you cared. Eloquent. Get the mike away from him now, please. Punk talks some shit one the Corre who answer the call to face them down. I like how these feel like a collection of some of the most worthless wrestlers in the company all in the ring at the same time. Wade takes offense to being called a poor man's Nexus because they are all equals. Equally shitty. Except Gabriel. Who gave Jackson a fucking Mic? Why is he winded? Did he wear himself out walking? Ryan gets up in Jackson's face to stare him down when he says the Corre has a goal of eliminating CM Punk so the GM interrupts things again.

The match that will now take place between them tonight will leave all of its members eliminated from the Rumble and John Cena will be referee.

Random Commercial Thought: Give me Howard the Duck you assholes.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Del Rio interrupting Henry last week before he enters with John Morrison for a little tag action.

Mark Henry & John Morrison vs. Alberto Del Rio & King Sheamus

Morrison starts off with Alberto who beats Morrison into the corner. Rio tags out to Sheamus who immediately gets wrecked for some reason. Sheamus runs out to Del Rio who fares no better, getting setup for a Starship Pain attempt that will apparently never hit anyone ever again now that he has a much safer, lamer finisher. Sheamus pulls Del Rio to the floor to avoid the move as Morrison lands on his feet and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Little Big Planet isn't as cool as Katamari.

Mark Henry is thankfully still not in the ring as we return to a Del Rio and Sheamus beating Morrison down. Michael Tarver is shown in the black in some nice clothes looking a lot less like a rapist and more like a douche bag who spent all of his money on clothes and probably lives in a box. I have no idea what he has to do with this. Sheamus stomps on Morrison and knees him in the head a couple of times for a two count. Henry puts more effort into getting the crowd to clap for Morrison to escape a rest hold than he does actually wrestling. Morrison tries a head scissors but Sheamus counters it into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Sheamus fires up and misses the kick, taking a kick to the head from Morrison.

Henry tags in and runs both men over as Del Rio returns to the ring. Henry just runs over Del Rio for a two count when Sheamus breaks it up. They stand off and Sheamus loses out big time. Del Rio eats a clothesline and Henry takes the kick from Sheamus, but Morrison takes him out with a flash kick and a corkscrew dive to the floor. Del Rio ends it with a cross arm breaker on Henry for the submission.

Winners: Del Rio & Sheamus

Random Commercial Thought: I'm sure Sanctum will make shitloads of cash despite being even more unoriginal than Dancing With Wolves in Space.

Back to the show for the Diva title match.

Melina vs. Diva's Champion Natalya (Diva's Championship Match)

Melina tackles Natalya through the ropes and then starts slamming her face into the floor by kicking her from behind while holding her hair. Natalya locks on a chicken wing with her legs which is interesting. Why the fuck are Cole and King still putting over their feud over this match? I'm getting really fucking sick of that. Natalya stands up with Melina still riding her like one of those midgets from Plants vs. Zombies. Natalya beats her into the corner but Melina comes back with a head scissor and kick. Natalya starts slamming her around, but Melina counter with a kick. Melina leg drops between the legs, but Natalya catches the leg and counters it into the Sharpshooter, leaning all the way over her until she's bent entirely back onto the ground (shouldn't that be a pin?). It still gets a good pop from the crowd and the win.

Winner: Natalya

Oh great, it's Laycool. They make fat jokes. I still don't understand why she's considered fat. Apparently they have a title match at the Rumble now. That summary may be short but was way less painful than the their characters are to listen to. Stop yelling into the microphone, you whores.

Random Commercial Thought: The polar bear joke was funny, I'll give them that.

We get a video package of Ryan's introduction last week. What is with that music? They are discussing how badly Punk needs to win tonight for them to be able to be in the Rumble. Husky isn't too keen on the plan to help him win the match. Oh, apparently Ryan doesn't speak English, that's what was with the Indian music. He isn't happy with Harris pointing out Punk could come out in first place while they could be last, unable to help him. Mike points out Cena will be against him winning tonight, but Punk tells them all to have faith (now put on your tin foil helmets) that he will win anyway before they all kneel (before Zod) and respect knuckle. Weird.

John Cena makes a joke about the extra R in Corre standing for Rectum when he is interviewed in the back. Miz shows up and says Cena needs to realize that winning the Rumble is going to be the worst thing that ever happens if they choose to face him. Miz says he gave Orton the worst beating of his life and Cena begs to receive one right now. Cena leaves after reminding him he might not get to Mania if he loses to Orton. Riley then rolls footage of Miz beating down Orton last week. King and Cole start fighting and bickering over The Miz as he enters for his match with Edge. I miss Brain and Monsoon who were actually good at this kind of thing. Dolph Ziggler and Vickie decide to join us before the match can get started.

World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs. WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley (Non-Title Match)

They take their time squaring off and Edge immediately shoves Miz off, pummeling him into the corner. Edge delivers a knee to the gut and they tie up again. Miz elbows his way out and goes for a German suplex on Edge, but he escapes and clotheslines Miz to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 7 got a new name for the DVD release, guess they gave up on the 3D shit considering they shot less than half the movie in it.

Back to the show where Miz kicks out at two. He turns the tables on Edge with a shot to the ribs and runs him down with a kick for a two count. Edge turns the tables again and goes for a spear, but Miz dives out to the floor and hides behind Riley. Edge chases him down and tosses Miz into the ring barricade. Back in the ring. Edge gets a cross body off the top for a two count. Edge hurts himself with this of course, because he's retarded. Miz shuts Edge down with a cheap shot….and we suddenly go to commercial AGAIN during this match that hasn't even been very long. Bull.

Random Commercial Thought: Why am I back here already?

Cole declares the match to be a clinic despite it just being Miz stomping and punching Edge and that's all I've seen from either guy all match practically. Miz locks on a body scissor for a bit, but Edge manages to escape and knock him off. Edge slams Miz to make a comeback and start running him over with clotheslines and some weird kind of slam I couldn't identify. Miz charges the midsection and beats Edge to the corner where Riley has to be kept from getting a cheap shot by the ref. Miz misses his riding Clothesline and Edge rolls him up from behind for a two count. Riley tries to intervene as well so Edge chases him down.

Edge crawls back in to a small package by Miz. Edge's raps are completely balled up on Edge's waist which looks really funny. Edge takes out Riley on the apron and plants Miz with the Edge-u-cution DDT. Edge sets up for a spear when Ziggler trips him from behind.

Winner: Edge

Orton charges the ring and tackles Miz. Ziggler helps for some reason, but Orton is superman and easily crushes everyone. Miz is running through the crowd, but Orton cuts him off. Miz takes a beating at ringside and Riley eats an RKO for trying to help, as does Ziggler. Miz takes out Orton with a shot to the knee from the briefcase, grabs his title and runs.

Random Commercial Thought: Trying to sell the Raw DVD for this year with the first thing being the GM E-mail noise is not a good idea.

We return to an interview with Wade Barrett who kind of drones on about Corre being better than Nexus, but his voice makes me instantly stop caring what he is saying.

Ted Dibiase & Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. Daniel Bryan & The Bellas (Mixed Tag Match)

Dibiase starts off with Bryan and they trade moves until Maryse just tags herself in so she can show Ted how it is down. A bella comes in and delivers a sloppy arm drag while the other one makes some moves on him on the ring apron. This upsets the other Bella and Maryse rolls her up with a schoolboy for three.

Winners: Alicia Fox, Maryse & Dibiase

Good paycheck, Alicia. Maryse gives a high five to Cole who calls Dibiase a loser. Bryan tries to diffuse the Bellas at ring side.

Random Commercial Thought: Your mom wouldn't like your porn either, but you're 25, stop showing it to her.

Back to the show for a card rundown of the PPV and the Bellas are arguing with each other. They fight about who is winning over Daniel. They then walk in on him making out with Gail Kim. They point out they thought he was a virgin when Gail says they have nothing to do with no guest hosts. A brawl breaks out and Daniel gets owned by one of the twins in the cross fire. Apparently Mike and Harris have a tag team title shot (nice to let me know about that…) as we go back to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Red still looks fun.

Cole has to apologize for LYING to me and sayin this was a title match when it isn't.

Tag Team Champions Vladimir Kozlov & Santino Marella w/ Tamina vs. Michael McIHateThisName & Husky Harris w/ Nexus (Non-Title Match)

Kozlov starts off with Mike and crushes him, tagging out to Santino. Santino works the arm with wrenches and an arm bar take down to headlock. Mike escapes with a knee to the midsection as a big chant for Santino builds. Mike stomps Santino down and tags out to Harris. Harris works Santino over with some holds, but Santino escapes one with a jaw buster Harris knocks Kozlov off the apron to prevent the tag, but manages to miss a corner splash on Santino. Santino goes for the arm drag after a leg split. Harris block, but Santino ducks a clothesline and beats him down. He fires up the Cobra, but Mike comes in. Santino chases him off, but Harris squashes him with his rather awkward finisher. I should call it the Bear Claw.

Winners: Nexus

Otunga introduces CM Punk for his match immediately following this. Oh good, black power fists. I'll miss that whenever this story ends.

Random Commercial Thought: Tootsie Pop commercials were always strangely sexual.

Back to the show where the Corre make their entrance followed by Cena.

Wade Barrett w/ The Corre vs. CM Punk w/ Nexus Special Ref: John Cena (Losers leave the Rumble)

Cena looks around and ejects Nexus entirely from Ringside, much to the distaste of CM Punk. Punk curls up in a corner all pissed off. Cena goes to get them started before pausing things again. He then ejects The Corre as well. The match really starts and Cena proceeds to shove Punk across the ring. He reminds Punk he can't be hit without a DQ. Cena then bitchslaps Wade and reminds him of the same. Punk tackles Wade and beats him in the corner before shoving him to the floor. Punk gets up in Cena's face who chucks him to the floor. Punk threatens another hit on Cena. Wade attacks Punk from behind with a shot to the back and a back suplex for a cover while Cena signs autographs at ringside. This time, Wade is upset and gets hit from behind. They clothesline each other and Cena just rings the bell.

Winner: No One

Cena calls a Double DQ for use of excessive profanity on a PG show for both teams to be eliminated from the Rumble. Can…can you do that? The GM interrupts this. The GM calls this a blatant abuse of power, saying he can't change the Ref's decision, but he can change the consequences, so both teams will both be in the Rumble now. In addition if Cena does not apologize to both men, he will be ejected from the Rumble. Cena comes back to the ring and goes to town on both guys, beating them down with seeming ease after he apologizes. Both teams rush the ring and chase Cena to the floor. Cena invites them to the floor for a fight and the Big Show suddenly leads a charge of Rumble contestants into the ring. There's not much to say about that, it's pretty much what you expect.

Highlight of the Night: Not much in the way of matches at all. Kind of just a throw away show, but Edge/Miz was the only thing worth watching. Too bad they hid most of it in commercials.

Lowlight of the Night: Mixed Gender tag match was a bomb. Melina and Natalya was a total squash.

WWE "Creative" Award: Whoever decided to write in the Cole/King storyline of King being unable to retaliate or be fired.

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.