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By Cameron Burge

Having suffered through Tom Brokaw’s sob stories about people whose lives suck, I feel ready to make it through tonight’s show which is hosted by the stares of the upcoming HUGE SMASH HIT, When in Rome. Yeah, I’m sure you’ve all heard of it even if you do not have a vagina.

Raw 01.18.10

Show opens with an MLK day package and Vince is out shortly to start us off on this historic Raw hosted by Napoleon fucking Dynamite. Vince talks about making bad decisions and good decisions in business, like which it was to bring Raw to a shithole like Tennessee. This is true. He says he kicked Bret in the nuts for us, so we will remember him for what he was and not what he is now, being a broken old horse that is humble instead of a humble douche bag. He equates Bret Hart to old used chewing gum that lost its flavor and needs to be spit out. Or you can stick it to the underside of a hand rail and really fuck over someone’s day. He says the people made the decisions to get rid of Bret, not him, when suddenly he is interrupted by The Undertaker. The crowd cheers for Taker for a bit before Vince tries to relay that he wasn’t quite finished and this is his time on his own show, but Taker says the way he sees it, it must be his time now. Can’t argue
with that logic. He says he came out to address Michaels, but since Vince is here he thinks he’ll tell Vince something first in that there isn’t many of them left who was there twelve years ago in Montreal. The Undertaker giving a promo about the screw job. Never thought I’d see it. Or care.

Taker says he saw the fear in Vince’s eyes then and sees it there now, because Vince screwed Bret Hart, not once, but twice. He says the kick was the act of a coward and Vince is probably terrified of the consequences now. Vince says he disagrees but is turning over the time to taker anyway. I like how the lights are still blue and Vince is leaving through he fog. Taker says stubbornness anger and denial also lie with Shawn Michaels. Uh, nice segue there. Taker says he wanted to deliver his answer personally and casually waits for Michaels’ music cue. That was nice of him. I can’t get over this problem with Shawn’s character now. How in the back he’s a retarded cut up playing with a midget and going on magical adventures underneath the ring into leprechaun land, but out here, we’re supposed to take him seriously in a pair of gimmicky DX camo and dorky jersey. Shawn says he is anxious for the answer. Taker reminds him that Shawn came the
closest but he still failed and a rematch will only result in more bitter disappointment for himself. He says he has nothing left to prove and the answer is….dramatic pause….is no. Shawn reels like he was slapped in the face.

Shawn is angered that he has the audacity to come out here and look him in the eye, oops got cut off again. Instead, Taker is offering him the opportunity to beat him tonight if he really thinks he can do it. Shawn turns it down. The crowd is shitting on both of these developments since it is kind of a big let down. I’d be pissed too. You can see the interest of the audience being sucked straight out of them for this segment. Michaels just says he’ll enter the Rumble and challenge Taker for the title. Taker guarantees a victory over Mysterio and Shawn guarantees victory at the rumble. Shawn says that the streak, the title and Taker’s soul will all be his after he wins. Shut up church boy.

Random Commercial Thought: The Wolfman, we’re really dredging for remakes.

Back to the show where we get a replay of Orton earning his shot against Sheamus. I feel like I’m dying inside. Did Sheamus always have this theme song where it talked about Shame? Apparently Evan Bourne didn’t get enough the last time he fought Sheamus so we’re getting a rerun.

Evan Bourne vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-Title Match)

Sheamus forces Bourne to the corner and starts stomping him down while a pantless Orton stalks to the ring. I’ve come to the conclusion he does not own pair of pants. Or maybe his bloated thighs won’t fit in a pair. Bourne kicks Sheamus’ legs out while he’s distracted and knocks him one in the head before delivering the flying knee press for a two count. Sheamus comes back with a huge backbreaker and follows it up with the step kick. Sheamus finishes things with his finisher that we totally have no name for whatsoever that we could use because no one else has EVER used one like it before.
Winner: Sheamus

RKO chants start while Orton enters the ring for a stare down. A bit of a crowd rally for Orton here as Sheamus flaunts his title. Shawn is now seen in the back talking to Trips when one of our hosts finally shows up a half an hour into the show. He’s looking for Napoleon Dynamite. Trips had something to tell Shawn at first but says he’ll do it later instead. They talk about how Heder is an idiot and Trips says not to care if he shows up. He thinks he saw him from behind as Dynamite, but it turns out to be Carlito who says he’s never even seen the movie in his complete outfit before leaving. That was….so completely unfunny that I can’t even begin to bring myself to give a shit.

Random Commercial Thought: Fucking ice cream men are dangerous.

Back to the show where Jack Swagger comes out as the same confident douche bag despite getting owned by Santino last week. He tells us last week was a fluke. He tellssus he’s an All American American American American…..in America? He issues the challenge again and tells Santino to accept it if he dares. Santino is dressed as one of our hosts, the other guy who I can’t really name off the top of my head, and I’ll probably never care. He says he is the president of his fan club, but since he’s here he is pretty busy and has found a replacement to substitute for his slot in Mark Henry. I’m so surprised. It’s not like Henry is the surprise partner/replacement for every wrestler ever.

Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry

Swagger dances around Henry quickly before dodging his charge and hammering Henry in the back to no effect. Henry casually bench presses him and tosses Swagger to the floor.
Winner: Henry

In the back, Dynamite is here now with the Bella’s apparently confused of what city he is in and with a mystery guest that he doesn’t want to unveil yet as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bayonetta is a complete mindfuck of a story line.

Back to the show where the Raw theme is awkwardly late and the fact screen stays on ridiculously long. We announce the guest hosts who come out and bore me to death. Heder manages to make things awkward by pissing off the crowd and saying awesome too fucking much. Heder introducing his good close friend, The Miz. Miz says it’s nice to have actual celebrities as guest hosts but I have to disagree with him because I don’t think these guys count. Miz mentions that Triple H wanted Heder not to be here. Johnson mentions Miami Vice pulled the same number in a week. This segment flounders as bad as a Chris Benoit memorial until MVP interrupts things….that was the best joke I could come up with, I apologize.

MVP apologizes for them wasting our time, and I have to admit, we deserved one. MVP says he’s been officially entered into the Rumble as well as MVP and he’s going to make sure to throw Miz out and wants to know why wait, since he can do it right now. He says he’ll throw Heder out too. Things are now interrupted by The Big Show. Miz takes a shot at MVP who fights him off easily before Big Show knocks him out with one punch. Uh. Okay. We get a small chant for Jericho. Heder says he has the same agent as Big Show. Heder wants all four of them to celebrate tonight, but Johnson is out of this. He then tries to hook up Big Show and Miz and wants us to hear it for Friendship. This is neither Spongebob nor Mortal Kombat. He then makes them a new team and Big Show carries him like a woman and looks like he wants to die inside now.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe the guy from Darksiders works for Apocalypse.

Back to the show where we get a Haiti speech. You know, if a tornado wiped out my house, nobody would give me shit. I’m just saying. John Cena is out next to team up with Kofi against Legacy.

John Cena & Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy

Cena starts off with Dibiase and dominates early on. He hit’s a bulldog out of the corner to pick up a two count, but some cheap shots out of the corner allow Dibiase to force Cena to the heel corner and start some quick tags and double teaming. Dibiase beats Cena down on the corner and catches him out of the corner with a spinning clothesline for two. Dibiase continues to use clotheslines but Cena makes the tag. Kingston sends Rhodes to the floor and sets up for the Boom Drop on Dibiase, using it as a senton this time instead of the leg drop. Dibiase runs from the Trouble in Paradise and distracts Kofi long enough for a clothesline from Rhode son the apron.

Random Commercial Thought: The regular Tekkaman not appearing in this game.

Back to the show. Dibiase is setting up a double team dropkick on Kofi. Rhodes forces him to the corner to stomp him down. He bombs a knee drop and hurts himself like a big pussy. Kofi doesn’t manage to make the tag, but he dodges a corner charge by a tagged in Dibiase. Cody tags back in with his miraculously healed knee to hit Cena before the tag can be made. Behind the ref, they both stomp on Kingston and lightly pick up a two count. Dibiase is back in to work his vicious chinlock of death but Kingston twists out of it and goes for another tag only for another Dibaise to make another chinlock. Cena and Kofi flail for the tag and CLEARLY make it, but they ignore since it wasn’t supposed to happen. Kingston back drop out of the hold and finally makes the tag…again. Cena comes in with his regular offense on Rhodes now with the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Rhodes rakes the eyes to escape an FU. Rhodes hit’s a Russian Leg Sweep for two.

Rhodes tries a big bulldog, but Cena throws him off and delivers the FU when Dibiase makes the save. Kofi tags in and dives over Dibaise into a cross body on Rhodes. Dibiase ducked it and is dragged the rest of the way out by Cena, so he picks up the three surprisingly enough.
Winners: Cena & Kingston

Elsewhere in the back, Big Show, surprisingly dressed now, is talking to Miz and Heder when Hornswoggle comes in with a ladder to yell at them. Trips then appears like a fucking ninja. Trips says Hornswoggle doesn’t like him very much. Horny challenges Heder to a match. Trips finally gets them to agree by making a six man tag between them and DX.

Random Commercial Thought: Kick-Ass, probably not superhero movie of the year material but worth watching.

Maryse is out now to team up with a heel and take on the face divas, being the four still left in the tournament.

Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres

Maryse starts off with Gail Kim. Gail starts off strong but Alicia pulls her hair from outside. Gail takes a wild swing and gets tossed to the floor where Alicia slams her to the floor. Maryse works her over some more with a backbreaker and Alicia teams up in the ring to slam her to the ground. Maryse tries to rile up the crowd to no effect at all. Alicia is in now and she bombs a scissors kick. Eve Torress tags in and hits a dropkick and by hit I mean SHE MISSES BY A MILE. Fox sells it anyway as the crowd chants against her. Eve hits another dropkick that half lands. On the top rope, Eve rolls off the top rope with an arm bar on Alicia Fox for the…submissions…win…oh my god.
Winners: Faces

That was quite possibly one of the most awful matches I have ever seen in my life. Also, Stone Cold is on Chuck. He’ll be hosting in March.

Random Commercial Thought: Guns are not shoes.

Back to the show. Heder is freaking out when Johnson asks him what he thinks he’s doing. Heder asks him to take his place. Johnson points out there aren’t even friends, they don’t even have any scenes in the movie together. Johnson points out they have stuntmen do these kinds of things for them. They got him a gay ring coat with The Flame on it because…no one can extinguish the flame. They made that in record time too. Who knew Big Show was such a seamstress. We get a run down of the card for the Royal Rumble before cutting to the back for Vince bitching to Trips and telling him not to go with a plan of calling Taker out next week. Trips wants to know what it is with the whole family in getting the last word, and now they’ve got a problem on their hands. Trips says if Vince always says perception is reality, then if he brings him back, Bret will be a bigger star than ever and he doesn’t, it will make him look like a coward. Trips is
interrupted by Hornswoggle before he can tell Shawn what he wanted to earlier by Hornswoggle this time. Horny then rides Trips’ back like some kind of horrible parasite or one of the Toguro brothers from Yu Yu Hakusho. Yeah, I made that reference.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the fuck is Speed Racer still not in Tatsunoko vs. Capcom?

Wow, Wild Chris Masters has appeared with Eve to take on Orton. He better hope he didn’t take dropkick lessons from Eve.

Chris Masters w/ Eve Torres vs. Randy Orton

Sheamus comes out as soon the match starts. Orton works a side headlock and Masters runs him down with a shoulder block. Masters sells some uppercuts like a champ before Orton blocks a full nelson attempt and kicks him into the corner. Master charges into a kick but catches Orton with a scoop slam for two. Orton comes back with his inverted backbreaker before setting up an RKO. Masters counters the RKO into the MASTERfull Nelson. King claims he’s never seen anyone escape this. You know. Like Cena? Nah. Orton fades down to his knees but instead of instantly being called as a loss, Orton falls to the ropes instead for the breaks when Masters could easily have stood back up from that for the three. Orton stops selling entirely now to deliver his RKO for the win. Yep, great wrestling there.
Winner: Orton

Can someone please tell me why anyone likes watching a wrestler who just does headlocks, a backbreaker and his finisher? He’s as bad as Cena, but with somehow even fewer moves. Post match, Sheamus runs him down with his kick.

Random Commercial Thought: I can swim through streets too, showoff.

Back to the show. We’re setting up for our main event here that is so epic I can hardly contain myself. Oh, no wait, that was just gas. DX comes out with Johnson as well. Did you care? Me neither.

Random Commercial Thought: Monkey See Monkey Do.

Back to the show where Miz is in the ring wearing his Purple People Eater outfit.

Degeneration X w/ Don Johnson vs. The Big Show & US Champion The Miz & John Heder

He botches a headlock on Michaels. It seems Heder never bothered to remove his robe, as the announcers comment on. Michaels eats a side slam from Big Show now for a two count. He walks on Michaels’ midsection and makes the tag to Miz. Miz stomps Michaels around but eats some chops from Michaels in the corner until they clobber each other with a clothesline at the same time. Michaels crawls to the tag to Trips, but Hornswoggle tags himself in first and starts dropkicking Miz in the head and chopping so Miz clotheslines him while on his knees. Heder wants a tag. Oh God. The Flame is in a speedo that matches the coat and god I’m going to die. He tries to super kick Hornswoggle. Miz dodges a corner charge and bites him on the ass. Trips makes the tag and Heder runs like a girl to the outside where Johnson rolls him back in. Trips blocks him from getting a tag and knocks him one.

Big Show is in with a choke slam on Trips, but Shawn blocks it with a super kick. Big show falls on Heder and Michaels super kicks Miz. Horny is tagged in to finish it with a tadpole splash on Big Show’s back on top of Heder. Big Show conveniently rolls out as Horny covers for three.
Winners: DX

I hate this. Trips says he’s been trying to tell him something all night, they need to talk about this thing between him and Undertaker. He says he’s gonna have to figure another way to get that match, because it’s not going to work out going for the title. Cena interrupts things. Cena says he is officially announcing he’ll be competing and it’s been two years since his last one and he promises to win it again. Trips goes to say something but Big Show is up again to say his own peace. He sounds about ready to cry because he’s in the Rumble too and he’ll win it. He’ll show why he’s going to win and he kicks Michaels and Trips down. Cena dodges and shoulder blocks Big Show to the floor before DX chucks Cena and Trips chucks Michaels. He then says he’s going to win the Rumble. No shit Sherlock.

Highlight of the Night: Um……Eve Torres is pretty hot?

Lowlight of the Night: The Diva’s match was god awful. Absolutely HORRENDOUS.

WWE “Creative” Award: Why was there an Orton squash?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).