through Tom Brokaw’s sob stories about people whose
lives suck, I feel ready to make it through
tonight’s show which is hosted by the stares of the
upcoming HUGE SMASH HIT, When in Rome. Yeah, I’m
sure you’ve all heard of it even if you do not have
Show opens with an MLK day package and Vince is out
shortly to start us off on this historic Raw hosted
by Napoleon fucking Dynamite. Vince talks about
making bad decisions and good decisions in business,
like which it was to bring Raw to a shithole like
Tennessee. This is true. He says he kicked Bret in
the nuts for us, so we will remember him for what he
was and not what he is now, being a broken old horse
that is humble instead of a humble douche bag. He
equates Bret Hart to old used chewing gum that lost
its flavor and needs to be spit out. Or you can
stick it to the underside of a hand rail and really
fuck over someone’s day. He says the people made the
decisions to get rid of Bret, not him, when suddenly
he is interrupted by The Undertaker. The crowd
cheers for Taker for a bit before Vince tries to
relay that he wasn’t quite finished and this is his
time on his own show, but Taker says the way he sees
it, it must be his time now. Can’t argue
that logic. He says he came out to address Michaels,
but since Vince is here he thinks he’ll tell Vince
something first in that there isn’t many of them
left who was there twelve years ago in Montreal. The
Undertaker giving a promo about the screw job. Never
thought I’d see it. Or care.
Taker says he
saw the fear in Vince’s eyes then and sees it there
now, because Vince screwed Bret Hart, not once, but
twice. He says the kick was the act of a coward and
Vince is probably terrified of the consequences now.
Vince says he disagrees but is turning over the time
to taker anyway. I like how the lights are still
blue and Vince is leaving through he fog. Taker says
stubbornness anger and denial also lie with Shawn
Michaels. Uh, nice segue there. Taker says he wanted
to deliver his answer personally and casually waits
for Michaels’ music cue. That was nice of him. I
can’t get over this problem with Shawn’s character
now. How in the back he’s a retarded cut up playing
with a midget and going on magical adventures
underneath the ring into leprechaun land, but out
here, we’re supposed to take him seriously in a pair
of gimmicky DX camo and dorky jersey. Shawn says he
is anxious for the answer. Taker reminds him that
Shawn came the
closest but he still failed and a
rematch will only result in more bitter
disappointment for himself. He says he has nothing
left to prove and the answer is….dramatic pause….is
no. Shawn reels like he was slapped in the face.
Shawn is angered that he has the audacity to come
out here and look him in the eye, oops got cut off
again. Instead, Taker is offering him the
opportunity to beat him tonight if he really thinks
he can do it. Shawn turns it down. The crowd is
shitting on both of these developments since it is
kind of a big let down. I’d be pissed too. You can
see the interest of the audience being sucked
straight out of them for this segment. Michaels just
says he’ll enter the Rumble and challenge Taker for
the title. Taker guarantees a victory over Mysterio
and Shawn guarantees victory at the rumble. Shawn
says that the streak, the title and Taker’s soul
will all be his after he wins. Shut up church boy.
Random Commercial Thought: The Wolfman, we’re really
dredging for remakes.
Back to the show where
we get a replay of Orton earning his shot against
Sheamus. I feel like I’m dying inside. Did Sheamus
always have this theme song where it talked about
Shame? Apparently Evan Bourne didn’t get enough the
last time he fought Sheamus so we’re getting a
vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-Title Match)
Sheamus forces Bourne to the corner and starts
stomping him down while a pantless Orton stalks to
the ring. I’ve come to the conclusion he does not
own pair of pants. Or maybe his bloated thighs won’t
fit in a pair. Bourne kicks Sheamus’ legs out while
he’s distracted and knocks him one in the head
before delivering the flying knee press for a two
count. Sheamus comes back with a huge backbreaker
and follows it up with the step kick. Sheamus
finishes things with his finisher that we totally
have no name for whatsoever that we could use
because no one else has EVER used one like it
RKO chants start
while Orton enters the ring for a stare down. A bit
of a crowd rally for Orton here as Sheamus flaunts
his title. Shawn is now seen in the back talking to
Trips when one of our hosts finally shows up a half
an hour into the show. He’s looking for Napoleon
Dynamite. Trips had something to tell Shawn at first
but says he’ll do it later instead. They talk about
how Heder is an idiot and Trips says not to care if
he shows up. He thinks he saw him from behind as
Dynamite, but it turns out to be Carlito who says
he’s never even seen the movie in his complete
outfit before leaving. That was….so completely
unfunny that I can’t even begin to bring myself to
give a shit.
Random Commercial Thought:
Fucking ice cream men are dangerous.
the show where Jack Swagger comes out as the same
confident douche bag despite getting owned by
Santino last week. He tells us last week was a
fluke. He tellssus he’s an All American American
American American…..in America? He issues the
challenge again and tells Santino to accept it if he
dares. Santino is dressed as one of our hosts, the
other guy who I can’t really name off the top of my
head, and I’ll probably never care. He says he is
the president of his fan club, but since he’s here
he is pretty busy and has found a replacement to
substitute for his slot in Mark Henry. I’m so
surprised. It’s not like Henry is the surprise
partner/replacement for every wrestler ever.
Jack Swagger vs. Mark Henry
dances around Henry quickly before dodging his
charge and hammering Henry in the back to no effect.
Henry casually bench presses him and tosses Swagger
to the floor.
In the back,
Dynamite is here now with the Bella’s apparently
confused of what city he is in and with a mystery
guest that he doesn’t want to unveil yet as we go to
Random Commercial Thought:
Bayonetta is a complete mindfuck of a story line.
Back to the show where the Raw theme is awkwardly
late and the fact screen stays on ridiculously long.
We announce the guest hosts who come out and bore me
to death. Heder manages to make things awkward by
pissing off the crowd and saying awesome too fucking
much. Heder introducing his good close friend, The
Miz. Miz says it’s nice to have actual celebrities
as guest hosts but I have to disagree with him
because I don’t think these guys count. Miz mentions
that Triple H wanted Heder not to be here. Johnson
mentions Miami Vice pulled the same number in a
week. This segment flounders as bad as a Chris
Benoit memorial until MVP interrupts things….that
was the best joke I could come up with, I apologize.
MVP apologizes for them wasting our time, and I have
to admit, we deserved one. MVP says he’s been
officially entered into the Rumble as well as MVP
and he’s going to make sure to throw Miz out and
wants to know why wait, since he can do it right
now. He says he’ll throw Heder out too. Things are
now interrupted by The Big Show. Miz takes a shot at
MVP who fights him off easily before Big Show knocks
him out with one punch. Uh. Okay. We get a small
chant for Jericho. Heder says he has the same agent
as Big Show. Heder wants all four of them to
celebrate tonight, but Johnson is out of this. He
then tries to hook up Big Show and Miz and wants us
to hear it for Friendship. This is neither Spongebob
nor Mortal Kombat. He then makes them a new team and
Big Show carries him like a woman and looks like he
wants to die inside now.
Thought: Maybe the guy from Darksiders works for
Back to the show where we get a
Haiti speech. You know, if a tornado wiped out my
house, nobody would give me shit. I’m just saying.
John Cena is out next to team up with Kofi against
& Kofi Kingston vs. Legacy
off with Dibiase and dominates early on. He hit’s a
bulldog out of the corner to pick up a two count,
but some cheap shots out of the corner allow Dibiase
to force Cena to the heel corner and start some
quick tags and double teaming. Dibiase beats Cena
down on the corner and catches him out of the corner
with a spinning clothesline for two. Dibiase
continues to use clotheslines but Cena makes the
tag. Kingston sends Rhodes to the floor and sets up
for the Boom Drop on Dibiase, using it as a senton
this time instead of the leg drop. Dibiase runs from
the Trouble in Paradise and distracts Kofi long
enough for a clothesline from Rhode son the apron.
Random Commercial Thought: The regular Tekkaman not
appearing in this game.
Back to the show.
Dibiase is setting up a double team dropkick on
Kofi. Rhodes forces him to the corner to stomp him
down. He bombs a knee drop and hurts himself like a
big pussy. Kofi doesn’t manage to make the tag, but
he dodges a corner charge by a tagged in Dibiase.
Cody tags back in with his miraculously healed knee
to hit Cena before the tag can be made. Behind the
ref, they both stomp on Kingston and lightly pick up
a two count. Dibiase is back in to work his vicious
chinlock of death but Kingston twists out of it and
goes for another tag only for another Dibaise to
make another chinlock. Cena and Kofi flail for the
tag and CLEARLY make it, but they ignore since it
wasn’t supposed to happen. Kingston back drop out of
the hold and finally makes the tag…again. Cena comes
in with his regular offense on Rhodes now with the
Five Knuckle Shuffle but Rhodes rakes the eyes to
escape an FU. Rhodes hit’s a Russian Leg Sweep for
Rhodes tries a big bulldog, but Cena
throws him off and delivers the FU when Dibiase
makes the save. Kofi tags in and dives over Dibaise
into a cross body on Rhodes. Dibiase ducked it and
is dragged the rest of the way out by Cena, so he
picks up the three surprisingly enough.
Cena & Kingston
Elsewhere in the back, Big
Show, surprisingly dressed now, is talking to Miz
and Heder when Hornswoggle comes in with a ladder to
yell at them. Trips then appears like a fucking
ninja. Trips says Hornswoggle doesn’t like him very
much. Horny challenges Heder to a match. Trips
finally gets them to agree by making a six man tag
between them and DX.
Thought: Kick-Ass, probably not superhero movie of
the year material but worth watching.
is out now to team up with a heel and take on the
face divas, being the four still left in the
Maryse & Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Maryse starts off with Gail Kim. Gail starts off
strong but Alicia pulls her hair from outside. Gail
takes a wild swing and gets tossed to the floor
where Alicia slams her to the floor. Maryse works
her over some more with a backbreaker and Alicia
teams up in the ring to slam her to the ground.
Maryse tries to rile up the crowd to no effect at
all. Alicia is in now and she bombs a scissors kick.
Eve Torress tags in and hits a dropkick and by hit I
mean SHE MISSES BY A MILE. Fox sells it anyway as
the crowd chants against her. Eve hits another
dropkick that half lands. On the top rope, Eve rolls
off the top rope with an arm bar on Alicia Fox for
the…submissions…win…oh my god.
That was quite possibly one of the most awful
matches I have ever seen in my life. Also, Stone
Cold is on Chuck. He’ll be hosting in March.
Random Commercial Thought: Guns are not shoes.
Back to the show. Heder is freaking out when Johnson
asks him what he thinks he’s doing. Heder asks him
to take his place. Johnson points out there aren’t
even friends, they don’t even have any scenes in the
movie together. Johnson points out they have
stuntmen do these kinds of things for them. They got
him a gay ring coat with The Flame on it because…no
one can extinguish the flame. They made that in
record time too. Who knew Big Show was such a
seamstress. We get a run down of the card for the
Royal Rumble before cutting to the back for Vince
bitching to Trips and telling him not to go with a
plan of calling Taker out next week. Trips wants to
know what it is with the whole family in getting the
last word, and now they’ve got a problem on their
hands. Trips says if Vince always says perception is
reality, then if he brings him back, Bret will be a
bigger star than ever and he doesn’t, it will make
him look like a coward. Trips is
Hornswoggle before he can tell Shawn what he wanted
to earlier by Hornswoggle this time. Horny then
rides Trips’ back like some kind of horrible
parasite or one of the Toguro brothers from Yu Yu
Hakusho. Yeah, I made that reference.
Commercial Thought: Why the fuck is Speed Racer
still not in Tatsunoko vs. Capcom?
Chris Masters has appeared with Eve to take on
Orton. He better hope he didn’t take dropkick
lessons from Eve.
Chris Masters w/ Eve Torres vs. Randy Orton
Sheamus comes out as soon the match starts. Orton
works a side headlock and Masters runs him down with
a shoulder block. Masters sells some uppercuts like
a champ before Orton blocks a full nelson attempt
and kicks him into the corner. Master charges into a
kick but catches Orton with a scoop slam for two.
Orton comes back with his inverted backbreaker
before setting up an RKO. Masters counters the RKO
into the MASTERfull Nelson. King claims he’s never
seen anyone escape this. You know. Like Cena? Nah.
Orton fades down to his knees but instead of
instantly being called as a loss, Orton falls to the
ropes instead for the breaks when Masters could
easily have stood back up from that for the three.
Orton stops selling entirely now to deliver his RKO
for the win. Yep, great wrestling there.
Can someone please tell me why anyone
likes watching a wrestler who just does headlocks, a
backbreaker and his finisher? He’s as bad as Cena,
but with somehow even fewer moves. Post match,
Sheamus runs him down with his kick.
Commercial Thought: I can swim through streets too,
Back to the show. We’re setting up
for our main event here that is so epic I can hardly
contain myself. Oh, no wait, that was just gas. DX
comes out with Johnson as well. Did you care? Me
Random Commercial Thought: Monkey See Monkey Do.
Back to the show where Miz is in the ring wearing
his Purple People Eater outfit.
Degeneration X w/ Don Johnson vs.
The Big Show & US Champion The Miz & John Heder
He botches a headlock on Michaels. It seems Heder
never bothered to remove his robe, as the announcers
comment on. Michaels eats a side slam from Big Show
now for a two count. He walks on Michaels’
midsection and makes the tag to Miz. Miz stomps
Michaels around but eats some chops from Michaels in
the corner until they clobber each other with a
clothesline at the same time. Michaels crawls to the
tag to Trips, but Hornswoggle tags himself in first
and starts dropkicking Miz in the head and chopping
so Miz clotheslines him while on his knees. Heder
wants a tag. Oh God. The Flame is in a speedo that
matches the coat and god I’m going to die. He tries
to super kick Hornswoggle. Miz dodges a corner
charge and bites him on the ass. Trips makes the tag
and Heder runs like a girl to the outside where
Johnson rolls him back in. Trips blocks him from
getting a tag and knocks him one.
Big Show is
in with a choke slam on Trips, but Shawn blocks it
with a super kick. Big show falls on Heder and
Michaels super kicks Miz. Horny is tagged in to
finish it with a tadpole splash on Big Show’s back
on top of Heder. Big Show conveniently rolls out as
Horny covers for three.
this. Trips says he’s been trying to tell him
something all night, they need to talk about this
thing between him and Undertaker. He says he’s gonna
have to figure another way to get that match,
because it’s not going to work out going for the
title. Cena interrupts things. Cena says he is
officially announcing he’ll be competing and it’s
been two years since his last one and he promises to
win it again. Trips goes to say something but Big
Show is up again to say his own peace. He sounds
about ready to cry because he’s in the Rumble too
and he’ll win it. He’ll show why he’s going to win
and he kicks Michaels and Trips down. Cena dodges
and shoulder blocks Big Show to the floor before DX
chucks Cena and Trips chucks Michaels. He then says
he’s going to win the Rumble. No shit Sherlock.
Highlight of the Night: Um……Eve Torres is
Lowlight of the Night: The Diva’s match was
god awful. Absolutely HORRENDOUS.
WWE “Creative” Award: Why was there an