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WWE RAW RANT

by Cameron Burge

January 17, 2011


We interrupt my celebration of being TWF Writer of the Year (about damn time!) to bring you the Best Damn Raw Rant Period on MLK Day. Who better to celebrate black history than a company that spends most of its time convincing it doesn’t matter where they are from so long as you give them a Jamaican theme song and bury them in the mid card.
Raw 01.17.11 


The show opens with an MLK video and is appropriately followed by WWE’s resident imitation black guy in John Cena. Cena says the footage of him being beat down by Punk and Nexus was last year technically and this is his first ring appearance since the year started. I would like to point out that he actually spent less time on Raw recently than when he was fired from it. He declares he will take care of the business he needs to and then win the Rumble to take Miz’s title. Speaking of Miz, when Cena calls out Punk, we get Miz and Riley instead. Riley now has a steal briefcase instead of the Money in the Bank one. I’ve no idea why. Miz reveals the Rumble has 40 people this year instead of 30. Oh good, that means they’ll probably bring out even more has been one time return wrestlers for no reason. Oh yay. He says Cena has little chance of winning, let alone taking the title afterward and warns every other rumble contestant too. Cena quotes my favorite Rocky movie with Rocky’s anti-communist speech and mention that if not for Cole, Jerry Lawler would be WWE champion and if not for Riley it would be Orton.

Lawler gets some big chants. Miz calls the speech corner and then cuts off his own I’m Awesome cry to say he’ll finish that when he defeats Orton. Cena says Orton/Cena is a Wrestlemania match, not Miz and Miz will not survive the Rumble. Punk suddenly appears when Cena continues to trash Miz, bringing with him Harris, Otunga and McHardToType. I guess Gabriel and Slater are out? Punk defends Miz saying he doesn’t have to prove himself to Cena, because Cena will not be champion and Nexus will be in the match to make sure he loses the Rumble. The three remaining guys charge the ring and gang up on Cena. Santino and Kozlov arrive to the rescue and help fend Nexus off.

Punk huddles up and joins Nexus saying he’s got better odd before the GM kills all momentum again for us. Damn, this has gone on for fifteen minutes? The GM bars Nexus from ring side in Punk’s match with Cena. If any of the Nexus guys interfere they will be ejected from the Rumble.

Random Commercial Thought: Tundra doesn’t really inspire toughness to me as much as “The heater doesn’t work.”
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina vs. The Usos (WWE Tag Team Title Match) 


The Usos start off with Santino and og course they don’t tell me which it is. I have no idea which one is in the ring ever. Um…well they beat him down in their corner and exchange quick tags before grounding Santino with a head lock Santino tosses one off, but ffail to make a tag, being dragged back by a leg only to use a monkey flip to escape. Kozlov tags in and runs the other Uso down, destroying him with a sloppy kick and head butt. Main, he looks bad tonight. Kozlov picks up a two count off of the power slam. Santino tries to come in but gets knocked flat Oh Jimmy is in. Jey is tossed out by Kozlov. Jimmy kicks Kozlov to the corner, but he just powers back out with a head butt while Jimmy is in mid air and tags in Santino. Jey eats a sambo slam from Kozlov on the floor and Jimmy takes the Cobra from Santino (Koooobraaaa retreeeeeeat!).

Winners: Kozlov & Santino

Punk interrupts Nexus complain in the back and stairs and smiles at each of them. He tells them to have faith and that smile is getting really creepy uncle now. We cut to John Morrison strutting to the back when he meets up with Bryan who has a cool new shirt. The Bellas show up to make out with him in sluttier version of the shirt as Morrison stares like he’s dumbfounded. Yes yes, we get it. He’s like the 40 Year Old Virgin or something. Anyway, commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I get it, you’re ready, stop saying it….your ready is going to kick my ready’s butt? WTF??

Back to the show with a replay of Morrison’s win over Sheamus last week. Speaking of which….

John Morrison vs. US Champion Daniel Bryan w/ The Bellas (Non-title Match) 


Do my eyes deceive me? A….a good match?! They mat wrestle for a bit with Bryan gaining control after he flips Morrison out of a hammerlock. Morrison eats a dropkick that sends him to the floor, but he dodges a baseball slide. They stare each other down before sliding back into the ring and facing off as we go to commercial. BULLSHIT! We just got here!

Random Commercial Thought: Little Big Planet just isn’t my bag…or sack. Get it?!

Back to the show. Bryan is escaping a hold but Morrison catches him with the flip Russian leg sweep. Morrison takes a while to set up for Starship Pain and then eats the mat when Bryan dodges and crushes him with a wild kick to the jaw for two. Cole is putting himself over right now. Sure wish they would talk about what’s going on. They both cross body block each other (still looks retarded).

Morrison and Bryan start slugging it out when they get to their feet with Morrison gaining the advantage for a bit until Bryan fights back with kicks and tries a German suplex. Morrison back flips out and tries a head scissor that’s countered into a sunset flip by Bryan. They start trading flipping roll ups, but a school boy by Morrison is countered into the LaBell Lock. Morrison escapes and flips Bryan into the turnbuckles, setting up the Flash Kick. Morrison charges into the running knee and picks up the victory. Winner: Morrison

Aw he helped him up. Maybe he’s hoping to get in on the threesome later. Sheamus interrupts their bromance moment. Sheamus says Morrison was pushed to his new level by Sheamus and that neither of them is actually in his league so he’s going to conquer “Turty-nein” other contestants in a couple of weeks. Following this, we get a replay of Orton’s win for a title shot as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Yeah, I can tell that show is about a lawyer and not a hot girl. Oh wait.

Back to the show where Stand Up for WWE won a mashable award. I’m sure this was legit and not stupid ballot stuffing like how Nostalgia Critic won an award for something he doesn’t even do. The Bellas are talking about Morrison being hot but that they are trying to pop Bryan’s proverbial cherry. They decide to make a bet on it. Oh, so we are supposed to believe he actually is a virgin? What the fuck? And here is Vickie Guerrero. Um, Cole, cougar is not a compliment.

Is she supposed to be Asian now? What the fuck happened to her eyes? She is here to introduce us to Ziggler. Got his theme is shitty. Anyone else notice that he slowly appears to be morphing into Triple H like a bad photoshop edit?

Random Commercial Thought: Pumpkinhead shouldn’t have had one movie, let alone multiple ones and a game.

Back to the show where the match is getting started.

Randy Orton vs. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero 


Orton mounts Ziggler (ha ha!) with a Lou Thesz Press and delivers some heavy punches. How bad is it when the only thing that bares your name is how to jump on a guy with your crotch? Orton crushes Ziggler around the ring and stomps him down to the mat as Lawler tries to make Ziggler look credible by reminding us he got offense in against Cena. Orton picks up a two count after racking him on the bottom rope. Ziggler finally turns the tables with a dropkick to the knee and decides to just stomp on Orton a bunch in the knee until Orton just clings to his leg for dear life. Ziggler slams the knee into the ring post. Orton starts to fight back out of the corner with some punches. Orton manages to escape more assaults to the knee with his backbreaker.

Ziggler rams his own face into the turnbuckle because he’s an idiot and Orton starts delivering clotheslines and the power slam. Why on earth does every idiot roll to the outside apron for that DDT? How dumb do you have to be? Ziggler escapes it and knocks out the leg again. Ziggler goes for the sleeper hold and Orton falls before he can make it to the rope. I would tell Ziggler it helps to actually apply a sleeper instead of a hug to the head if you want it to work, but whatever. Orton finally gets up and grabs the ropes before forcing Ziggler off and suddenly delivering an RKO for the three. Winner: Orton

Fuck ring psychology! Miz and Riley immediately attack and stomp the shit out of Orton. King tries to get involved when the fight spills to the announce table but it goes badly. WWE, where the announcers are the story. Miz then proceeds to ram Orton into the ring post. More double teaming ensures of course. Orton is sent through a ring barricade. I like all the people cheering him on while laying unconscious like he’s going to spring to life like Jesus and do a fucking tap dance. Miz finishes his sentence now by the way….did he just have a possessed seizure afterward? What the fuck was that?

Random Commercial Thought: Road to Wrestlemania tour is coming to town. It’s like they want to make sure our new Arena smells as much like man sweat as possible.

Back to the show where we learn the ever so important fact that WWE Magazine outsells Sports Illustrated at Wal-Mart. Probably because only idiots buy their magazines from fucking Wal-Mart. Punk and friends are still having their little Pow Wow as he keeps saying Faith and says people must be willing to sacrifice their all to have faith. Is he a preacher now? I’m a reverend, and I’m pretty sure he is making this shit up. And now a Diva match.

Diva’s Champion Natalya vs. Maryse (Non-title Match) 


Cole is now joined by Eve and Melina. Star commentary at work here….help me. They seem to hate being on the microphone and incredibly disinterested. Natalya goes for a sharpshooter right away. Maryse makes the ropes and gets kicked into the corner before eating a spinning clothesline that sets up another sharpshooter attempt. Natalya locks it in this time and that’s all she wrote.

Winner: Natalya

Maryse throws a fit at ringside yelling at Cole. Eve shoves her before leaving….for some reason. Cole keeps asking why she is mad at him when Ted comes down to argue with her. Ted tells her to calm down and she calls him a loser for losing to an NXT rookie (….yeah, good reason), saying he can’t hope to win the Rumble. He issues an Over the Top Rope Challenge to anyone in the back as we go to commercial. There’s absolutely no way that could ever backfire, ever.

Random Commercial Thought: Fasterer and Furiouserer.

Back to th show where I’m incredibly shocked that Mark Henry answers the call. Totally. It probably took him the whole commercial break because he’s fat. That’s all I have.

Ted Dibiase vs. Mark Henry (Over the Top Rope Challenge 


Ted assaults Henry right away and starts pounding away at him. Ted dropkicks him to the ropes and tries to send him out but just gets chucked himself right away. Winner: Henry

For some reason everyone hit’s the ring and starts trying to throw each other out. By everybody, I mean the cast of Superstars. Primo still has a job apparently. Nobody managed to dump Henry until Sheamus joined the brawl and chucked everyone but Henry himself only to get tossed over by Henry. Sheamus hangs on and returns. I love how they are following the rules still but Henry chucks him this time as King rejoins the announce desk suddenly…and Del Rio appears? Why? He went through all the effort of driving that car into the ring to say it’s his destiny to win the Rumble as Henry tries to call him out to fight. He refuses of course and we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I leave my brain places all the time. I should write my name on it, just in case.

World’s Strongest Man cologne? I don’t want his stank, thank you very much. Cole taunts King that he can’t punch him without being fired still. I hate this storyline so much. Here’s a Royal Rumble video package in case you’re a retard who has never head of wrestling in their entire life. It is the same number count down that we’ve seen for years no with updated numbers. I like the one that shows 409 Big Shows in weight for all the competitors to ever be in it. Cole tells us afterward that next week’s main event is Miz/Edge. Cena is signing an autograph for a midget in the back as we go to commercial. Also he stole a guys phone and threw it into his food. What a douche bag. Some day that guys is gonna lead six other people to beat his ass as revenge for his phone that is now slightly dirty.

Random Commercial Thought: Sanctum looks like all the other lost in a cave movies that have come out in recent years except in 3D and without monsters to make it not boring.

Punk leads his men out to the ring entrance and stares them all down before leaving them with fists held high. Next week he’ll have them drink the special punch.

John Cena vs. CM Punk 


They get up in each others’ faces before slugging it out and Cena wins out easily. Cena pounds Punk to the floor and beats Punk into the corner. Cena chases him around with clubbing blows and gets a one count off of a forearm to the back. Punk counters a back body drop with a sharp kick and baseballs slides Cena to the floor as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Tron Legacy was awesome in every way.

Back to the show where Cena tries to power out of a hold, but is dropped by a Punk DDT. Punk scores two after a dropkick to the back of the head and goes back to the head scissor he had when we returned. Cena comes back with his general offense and delivers a five knuckle shuffle. I expected better of you, Punk. Punk escapes the FU and delivers a heel kick for two. Punk scores what I lovingly call the Pepsi One in the corner (the flying knee to bulldog) for a two count.

Punk signals the GTS and scoops Cena up, but Cena catches the knee and locks it into the STF. Punk drags himself to the ropes for the break though. They climb to their feet and immediately clothesline each other, which looks funny as Punk sells it but Cena just falls on his ass in a mid air sitting position. Back to their feet, Cena tries an FU, but Punk gets to the apron and kicks him in the face a couple of times, the best solution to every problem ever. Punk springboards into a cross body for two. Punk starts kicking and kneeing at Cena who no sells it and scoops for the FU.

Punk tackles Cena and locks on that submission hold I’ve forgotten the name of out of nowhere. Cena barely makes the rope and holds on for the full count. Cena crawls himself up on the apron and Punk boots him to the floor with a kick to the head. The ref conveniently does not start a ten count for some reason for a long time. Punk slingshots over the ropes and Cena catches, slamming Punk’s back into the ring post before tossing him back in the ring. Cena goes back to selling again suddenly and crawls his way to the top rope. Punk meets him up top with punches and kicks to the head, followed by a head butt. Cena fights him off after a bit and delivers the guillotine leg drop.

Punk kicks out at two as suddenly a crazy beard man comes down to the ring and distracts Cena. Punk kicks Cena out from behind and the homeless man and Punk share a laugh. Punk spreads his arms and eats a kick to the face himself for the DQ. Winner: Punk technically

Cena takes a Rock Bottom and Nexus arrive to defend Punk who calls them off. Crazy beard man then kneels before Zod,…I mean Punk, and receives his Nexus arm band. Black power fist raise, go.

Highlight of the Night: 
Morrison and Bryan put on a good match, really worth watching though it was short.

Lowlight of the Night: 
Maryse/Natalya was kind of boring and pointless. Just ended up segueing into the weird Royal Rumble setup.

WWE "Creative" Award: 
Give Morrison another feud now please, kthx.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).