Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WWE
RAW RANT:
(01/11/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome back to the only show with the balls to kick its legends right in the nuts. More sports should do that. Someone in the NFL should find Joe Montana and just nail him one in the groin, really crush his nuts. That’s good TV right there. Maybe we’ll get lucky and someone will give Tyson one in the gonads as well tonight. In other news, I’m running out of synonyms for balls here. Hope it’s not too soon, we still got two hours to go.

Raw 01.11.10

They changed the little opening sequence of past sound clips and video clips to include a sound clip of Ted Dibiase saying everyone has a price. The rhythm to it sounds a little off with this addition. Kind of odd they would include it. We have theme and pyro now as we open the show. I kind of wonder in a sadistic way what would happen if one of those missile shooters accidentally was aimed at the audience instead. Tyson gets his intro. Tyson flashes us back to 1998, which is all WWE has been doing to us for the last couple of years anyway. Uh, he seems to have forgotten where he is for a moment before getting interrupted by Sheamus to try and save this segment. What the fuck am I saying, it’s Sheamus. I figured this was as good a time to leave and take a piss break as any.

My suspicions were proven true as I return to see them rubbing their faces against each other in the ring. That’s weird. They are interrupted in this Eskimo make out session by Randy Orton who says the only thing he cares about is a title shot and he wants to be #1 contender despite having done nothing of real importance in a while but fight Kofi Kingston a lot. Cena now has something to add I guess as they seem to be pushing for a Triple Threat Match here. Sheamus, Cena and Orton….oh god the work rate might equal one half of a filler match between Carlito and Santino. Cena points out he won his last match with Sheamus and has beaten everyone here, including Mike Tyson. He says it took him years to beat Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. The Nintendo law suit is in the mail. It only took me a few weeks to beat that game when I was a kid. Now a days it takes less than an hour.

Kofi is out to interrupt things now to say Orton and Cena have both had countless shots while he hasn’t had a single one yet. Cena looks confused. Cena Sucks chants get huge as he tells Kofi not to pay attention to it because he usually doesn’t either. Randy chants get pretty big now too. Sheamus says Mike got months between title defenses, you know, in a sport where you get hurt all the fucking time because it’s real. Sheamus says he wants to take the Rumble off and tells them all to earn a shot at the Rumble. Tyson says something I can’t understand at all. He gives all three a Triple Threat Match to take on Sheamus at the Rumble. Cena says Orton is Von Kaiser, Kofi is someone I didn’t catch and Sheamus is Soda Popinski (I always preferred Vodka Drunkinski). At least we avoided the Triple Threat match from hell.

Random Commercial Thought: I tried to find proof that WWE was #1 last week on cable but I was told ESPN did better.

Back to the show for more of the Diva tournament. Kelly is out in a pair of short shorts she ripped off of a zebra’s ass.

Alicia Fox vs. Kelly Kelly

Alicia drags Kelly around in a headlock and by the hair. She tries to toss her to the floor out of a jump over attempt in the corner but Kelly makes the apron and slings Alicia to the floor before hitting a cross body on the floor. Back in the ring, Kelly runs her down with some clotheslines and her screaming head scissors. Kelly hit’s a dropkick and leaps up onto Alicia who promptly power bombs her for three.
Winner: Alicia

That was quick, but we are totally worn out from way too much AWESOME WRESTLING ACTION from the Divas so we need a commercial I guess.

Random Commercial Thought: Pulled Pork just sounds disgusting no matter how you say it.

What the fuck is with the action figure commercial for WWE that had Rey Mysterio and Triple H in giant feathery garb like they live in San Francisco? We get a video package about John Cena showing up as a guest star to every even that has ever existed. Legacy are now on their way out to…oh god someone gave Cody a microphone. Rhodes points out last year Legacy was three of the final four but this year, Dibiase says he’ll win. Dibiase manages to pimp his movie in this before Cody decides to argue this fact. Mark Henry and Evan Bourne interrupt things now as it seems they’ve decided to break Henry up from MVP. Now if they could just break him up from my television screen I would be happy.

Mark Henry & Evan Bourne vs. Legacy

Evan starts us off with Dibiase. Dibiase beats him down out of the tie up but Bourne comes back with big dropkicks and tries to kick the knees out. Dibiase tosses him to the apron and dropkicks Bourne to the floor. Rhodes works him over while Ted distracts the ref. Back in the ring, Bourne gets a dreaded headlock on him from Ted. Rhodes makes the tag and delivers a dropkick for two. Bourne continues to play face in danger here, eating everything Rhodes throws at him and selling it like somebody just shot him in the fucking face. Rhodes drops a knee to the head for a two count before applying an unnecessary combination of a hammerlock and a chinlock. Rhodes drags Bourne from a tag by the tights, but eats a huge kick and Bourne makes it. Henry runs Rhodes over with clotheslines and knocks Dibiase down as well. He bench presses Cody before just dropping him. Henry signals Air Bourne and Dibiase pulls Rhodes out of the way as Bourne comes in. Henry charges
Dibiase and gets sent to the floor. Bourne nails a shot to the head on Dibiase, but is caught by CrossRhodes from behind for the three.
Winners: Legacy

Elsewhere, DX is talking about is Shawn should bury the hatchet with Mike Tyson too. Trips points out that Mike Tyson is insane. Shawn subtly pimps the Tyson documentary and says he’s changed and now he’ll prove it as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Chicks do not sniff your armpit no matter what you put on it.

Back to the show. Michaels is in the back talking to Mike now. He then kicks him in the nuts. Well, not really. Too bad though. Shawn says he forgives him and Tyson says he doesn’t need forgiveness. He enjoyed it and doesn’t regret and would love to do it again. Jericho comes along to say he heard him. Shawn points out Jericho has been kicked off. Twice. For a while. Apparently he and Tyson both think he’s been oppressed by the man and have struck up a friendship in which DX will have a match where if DX loses, Jericho gets to stay on any show he wants for as long as he wants. The match is DX against Chris Jericho and Mike Tyson. What. The. Fuck. Spoony probably just had a brain aneurism. Cole is excited to see Tyson in a ring again. Sure, why not. This segues into a replay of Hart last week. Slow motion low blow go.

Random Commercial Thought: Burn Notice is the first time anyone has taken Bruce Campbell serious in years.

Back to the show. Jack Swagger is in the ring, telling us he will be winning the Rumble since this is the first time he will be able to be in it, since he was ECW Champion last time. He’s issuing an All-American American American American Challenge. Yes he said it that many times. He’s daring anyone to try and come throw him over the top rope. Santino answers the call. Santino says it’s embarrassing because he wanted to issue the All-Italian Italian Challenge to see the same thing.

Santino Morella vs. Jack Swagger

Swagger catches a kick and slams Santino into the corners one after the other. He whips Santino to a third corner and hit’s a sling shot splash which he almost botches entirely. He tosses Santino over the rope, but Santino hangs onto the rope and Swagger falls over instead right to the floor.
Winner: Santino

HAHAHAHAHA. Swagger tries to chase after Santino but he runs away before he can get his hands on him.

Random Commercial Thought: Tooth Fairy was bullshit. I don’t think I ever actually bought into the concept so much as went along with it for the free money. Just saying.

Back to the show where Orton, Kingston and Cena are on their way out.

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston vs. John Cena (#1 Contender’s Match)

Orton tries to go after both people right away but he gets nowhere amidst the Cena Sucks chants. Kingston and Cena double suplex Orton before Kingston nails a corner splash. Cena slams him to the corner and delivers a fisherman’s suplex and Kingston comes in with some uppercuts and elbows. Cena chases Orton to the floor and throws him back in. Cena and Kingston double team some more with elbow drops and Kingston tosses Orton to the floor. Cole is fucking up calls left and right in this match.

Cena and Kingston square off as Sheamus comes down to watch over things from the ring entrance. Orton attacks them both from behind during the distraction and starts stomping them both down as we go back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I think Family Guy made a better Waltons joke.

Back to the show. Cena has Kingston in a headlock in the ring and Cena is selling on the floor for the abnormally long period of time that people in Triple Threat matches do. I love how if things worked like this in a normal match, then everyone would get counted out after the lightest bump. Cena tries to crawl back in but Orton catches him with the suspended DDT off the middle rope. Kingston leaps off the top with a cross body on Orton for two. Kingston kicks Orton into the corner but Orton comes back with the inverted backbreaker. Orton turns around into an assault from Cena but Cena misses a corner charge and sends himself into the ring post. Kingston comes back with the SOS on Orton for two. So that’s what the flip over move is called.

Kingston sets up for the Boom Drop, but Cena drop toe holds him out of it into the STF. Orton manages to get up and break the hold before Kingston taps. Orton whiffs a clothesline and eats the general Cena offense into the protobomb. Five Knuckle Shuffle actually hits and Orton stumbles into an FU but Kingston pulls him out of it instead of letting Orton take it first to eliminate him. Kingston delivers some big clotheslines and hit’s the Boom Drop on Cena. The crowd is fucking dead for Kingston tonight. Trouble in Paradise hits Cena and sends him straight to the floor. Kingston leaps onto Orton in the corner for mounted punches while on the outside Rhodes kicks the steps into Cena’s face. He then distracts the ref while Dibiase knocks Kofi off of the Orton in the corner. Orton shoves Kingston around and signals an RKO before nailing him with it and picking up the three.
Winner: Orton

Tyson is in an interview tonight when Hornswoggle comes to taunt him. He tells him nicely if he sees him tonight he will tear his intestines out and play jump rope with it. That. Was. Awesome. Seriously the description of things he will do to him goes on and is easily the best thing I’ve seen all night.

Random Commercial Thought: Angels look suspiciously like vampires, as if they are just trying to cash in on the vampire craze.

Back to the show where we get a replay of MVP’s win last week before cutting to the Miz in the back. He cuts his own soliloquy. He tells an amusing story about being banned from the locker room for six months for eating chicken over a referee’s bag. Yeah, who knew the referees had so much clout. Randy Orton can shit in a diva’s bag, but chicken better be kept the fuck away from those refs. He walks through the back talking until he’s made his way out to ringside. I think somebody gave this crowd a bunch of tranquilizers.

He cuts a pretty good promo here before his exit is interrupted by MVP in his brown pimp suit. He gives one of those “Black men who turned his life around” speeches that Booker T used to give all the time. The crowd chants that the Miz is awesome for a bit before arguing with some other that MVP is great. It takes a bit for MVP to strip down to an undershirt as MVP calls him a monkey flinging shit. MVP then goes on a rant about his prison stay. The same group of guys that have been pushing the heels all night go on a Boring chant now. I’m apt to agree. We get a stare down. Christ I’ve never seen the US belt get this much screen time. Finally, MVP tackles Miz but Miz fight back and kicks him one. MVP leaps frogs into a clothesline and delivers a running kick to send Miz to the floor.

After that, we get a segment about the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. They then rerun back to 1998 for Tyson knocking out Michaels again and another clip about McMahon and Hart before going back to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You’ve never seen funny until you’ve seen announcers trying to sell Robocop as a wrestling threat.

Back to the show. Eve is here to take on…uh…who the fuck is that? Oh, Katie Lea. She looks like a goth vampire.

Eve Torres vs. Katie Lea Burchill

Katie has control early on but Katie fights out only to leap into a cross body that is caught into a swinging back breaker for two. Eve kicks her in the gut and comes back with a clothesline for two. Eve delivers some more dropkicks and bombs a terrible flip over senton. Meanwhile King is talking about how good Maryse smells. Eve meanwhile rolls Katie up for three.
Winner: Eve

We get another video package about Tyson’s boxing career. In the back, Carlito is telling Gail Kim to come chomp his apple after the Royal Rumble when they are brushed past by an angry looking Vince McMahon on our way to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I don’t care if he’s played by a grown man, a day old baby cannot operate a jack in the box or other toys.

Back to the show for a recap of the Triple Threat finish. Vince is out to talk about Bret Hart as the crowd chants We Want Bret and follows it up with a Boring chant. Man, these guys are dicks. Vince says if Bret wants closure, Bret Hart is officially and forever banned from being seen in the WWE ever again. EVER WE TOTALLY MEAN IT FOR REALZ. Tyson is doing some warm up punches on the mits with Jericho.

Random Commercial Thought: Maybe if I close my eyes it will all just go away.

Don Johnson and John Heder are hosting next week. Yeah, I know you care. DX is out now, glow sticks and all. Seriously, with their current ring gear, all they are missing is big signs on their backs “This Space For Rent”. I could go brush my teeth (myths do come true) in the time it takes for DX to come out, do their thing and then Jericho and Tyson come out separately. I love how Jericho has been banned from Raw and Big Show has been seen less than him since the first time it happened.

Mike Tyson & Chris Jericho vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X


Tyson starts off with Michaels and tosses him off. He tosses him off again and yet a third time. Michaels gets some tips from Trips and runs at Tyson right into a punch that floors him. He decides to just tag in Trips. Triple H stares down and ties up, getting forced to the corner. The ref pulls him off but Trips tries a cheap kick so Tyson tosses him back to the corner. Tyson ties up again, and I’m getting tired of fucking tie ups. Jericho makes a blind tag and attacks Trips in the corner. Oh, yay, moves. Trips tries a pedigree, but DX starts a double team on Jericho. Jericho eats a rising knee. I know Tyson can’t actually take any of this, but damn, this just makes Jericho look like a fucking bitch. Jericho eats some chops from Michaels now, but Jericho gets a quick pin for two. He and Michaels toll through each other’s pins for two count but Jericho pulls out into the Walls. Michaels kicks him off into Trips and rolls Jericho up for two. Jericho
hits an enziguiri and tags in Tyson.

Tyson taunts Michaels on the ground as Hornswoggle’s music hits and he…gets the biggest pop of the night. Evander Hollyswoggle is what they call him as he comes out in a ring robe, shorts and gloves. Jericho tags in and everyone is in the ring now as Jericho demands Hornswoggle be thrown out. Behind Jericho, Tyson pulls off his shirt to reveal a DX shirt before knocking Jericho out with a single punch. The ref says fuck it and just counts the three. Who needs actual rules these days.
Winners: DX

Trips hugs Tyson post match as I shake my head in shame. Shame I tell you.

Highlight of the Night: Tyson describes horrible acts against Hornswoggle.

Lowlight of the Night: Eve Torres and Katie Lea was a perfect waste of my fucking time.

WWE “Creative” Award: Who thought putting Sheamus and Orton in a match together is a good idea? Really now?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).