Welcome back to the only
show with the balls to kick its legends right in the
nuts. More sports should do that. Someone in the NFL
should find Joe Montana and just nail him one in the
groin, really crush his nuts. That’s good TV right
there. Maybe we’ll get lucky and someone will give
Tyson one in the gonads as well tonight. In other
news, I’m running out of synonyms for balls here.
Hope it’s not too soon, we still got two hours to
changed the little opening sequence of past sound
clips and video clips to include a sound clip of Ted
Dibiase saying everyone has a price. The rhythm to
it sounds a little off with this addition. Kind of
odd they would include it. We have theme and pyro
now as we open the show. I kind of wonder in a
sadistic way what would happen if one of those
missile shooters accidentally was aimed at the
audience instead. Tyson gets his intro. Tyson
flashes us back to 1998, which is all WWE has been
doing to us for the last couple of years anyway. Uh,
he seems to have forgotten where he is for a moment
before getting interrupted by Sheamus to try and
save this segment. What the fuck am I saying, it’s
Sheamus. I figured this was as good a time to leave
and take a piss break as any.
were proven true as I return to see them rubbing
their faces against each other in the ring. That’s
weird. They are interrupted in this Eskimo make out
session by Randy Orton who says the only thing he
cares about is a title shot and he wants to be #1
contender despite having done nothing of real
importance in a while but fight Kofi Kingston a lot.
Cena now has something to add I guess as they seem
to be pushing for a Triple Threat Match here.
Sheamus, Cena and Orton….oh god the work rate might
equal one half of a filler match between Carlito and
Santino. Cena points out he won his last match with
Sheamus and has beaten everyone here, including Mike
Tyson. He says it took him years to beat Mike
Tyson’s Punch Out. The Nintendo law suit is in the
mail. It only took me a few weeks to beat that game
when I was a kid. Now a days it takes less than an
Kofi is out to interrupt things now to
say Orton and Cena have both had countless shots
while he hasn’t had a single one yet. Cena looks
confused. Cena Sucks chants get huge as he tells
Kofi not to pay attention to it because he usually
doesn’t either. Randy chants get pretty big now too.
Sheamus says Mike got months between title defenses,
you know, in a sport where you get hurt all the
fucking time because it’s real. Sheamus says he
wants to take the Rumble off and tells them all to
earn a shot at the Rumble. Tyson says something I
can’t understand at all. He gives all three a Triple
Threat Match to take on Sheamus at the Rumble. Cena
says Orton is Von Kaiser, Kofi is someone I didn’t
catch and Sheamus is Soda Popinski (I always
preferred Vodka Drunkinski). At least we avoided the
Triple Threat match from hell.
Commercial Thought: I tried to find proof that WWE
was #1 last week on cable but I was told ESPN did
Back to the show for more of the Diva
tournament. Kelly is out in a pair of short shorts
she ripped off of a zebra’s ass.
Alicia Fox vs. Kelly Kelly
Alicia drags Kelly around in a headlock and by the
hair. She tries to toss her to the floor out of a
jump over attempt in the corner but Kelly makes the
apron and slings Alicia to the floor before hitting
a cross body on the floor. Back in the ring, Kelly
runs her down with some clotheslines and her
screaming head scissors. Kelly hit’s a dropkick and
leaps up onto Alicia who promptly power bombs her
That was quick,
but we are totally worn out from way too much
AWESOME WRESTLING ACTION from the Divas so we need a
commercial I guess.
Thought: Pulled Pork just sounds disgusting no
matter how you say it.
What the fuck is with
the action figure commercial for WWE that had Rey
Mysterio and Triple H in giant feathery garb like
they live in San Francisco? We get a video package
about John Cena showing up as a guest star to every
even that has ever existed. Legacy are now on their
way out to…oh god someone gave Cody a microphone.
Rhodes points out last year Legacy was three of the
final four but this year, Dibiase says he’ll win.
Dibiase manages to pimp his movie in this before
Cody decides to argue this fact. Mark Henry and Evan
Bourne interrupt things now as it seems they’ve
decided to break Henry up from MVP. Now if they
could just break him up from my television screen I
would be happy.
Mark Henry & Evan Bourne vs. Legacy
Evan starts us off with Dibiase. Dibiase beats him
down out of the tie up but Bourne comes back with
big dropkicks and tries to kick the knees out.
Dibiase tosses him to the apron and dropkicks Bourne
to the floor. Rhodes works him over while Ted
distracts the ref. Back in the ring, Bourne gets a
dreaded headlock on him from Ted. Rhodes makes the
tag and delivers a dropkick for two. Bourne
continues to play face in danger here, eating
everything Rhodes throws at him and selling it like
somebody just shot him in the fucking face. Rhodes
drops a knee to the head for a two count before
applying an unnecessary combination of a hammerlock
and a chinlock. Rhodes drags Bourne from a tag by
the tights, but eats a huge kick and Bourne makes
it. Henry runs Rhodes over with clotheslines and
knocks Dibiase down as well. He bench presses Cody
before just dropping him. Henry signals Air Bourne
and Dibiase pulls Rhodes out of the way as Bourne
comes in. Henry charges
Dibiase and gets sent to
the floor. Bourne nails a shot to the head on
Dibiase, but is caught by CrossRhodes from behind
for the three.
DX is talking about is Shawn should bury the hatchet
with Mike Tyson too. Trips points out that Mike
Tyson is insane. Shawn subtly pimps the Tyson
documentary and says he’s changed and now he’ll
prove it as we go to commercial.
Commercial Thought: Chicks do not sniff your armpit
no matter what you put on it.
Back to the
show. Michaels is in the back talking to Mike now.
He then kicks him in the nuts. Well, not really. Too
bad though. Shawn says he forgives him and Tyson
says he doesn’t need forgiveness. He enjoyed it and
doesn’t regret and would love to do it again.
Jericho comes along to say he heard him. Shawn
points out Jericho has been kicked off. Twice. For a
while. Apparently he and Tyson both think he’s been
oppressed by the man and have struck up a friendship
in which DX will have a match where if DX loses,
Jericho gets to stay on any show he wants for as
long as he wants. The match is DX against Chris
Jericho and Mike Tyson. What. The. Fuck. Spoony
probably just had a brain aneurism. Cole is excited
to see Tyson in a ring again. Sure, why not. This
segues into a replay of Hart last week. Slow motion
low blow go.
Random Commercial Thought: Burn
Notice is the first time anyone has taken Bruce
Campbell serious in years.
Back to the show.
Jack Swagger is in the ring, telling us he will be
winning the Rumble since this is the first time he
will be able to be in it, since he was ECW Champion
last time. He’s issuing an All-American American
American American Challenge. Yes he said it that
many times. He’s daring anyone to try and come throw
him over the top rope. Santino answers the call.
Santino says it’s embarrassing because he wanted to
issue the All-Italian Italian Challenge to see the
Santino Morella vs. Jack Swagger
Swagger catches a kick and slams Santino into the
corners one after the other. He whips Santino to a
third corner and hit’s a sling shot splash which he
almost botches entirely. He tosses Santino over the
rope, but Santino hangs onto the rope and Swagger
falls over instead right to the floor.
HAHAHAHAHA. Swagger tries to chase
after Santino but he runs away before he can get his
hands on him.
Random Commercial Thought:
Tooth Fairy was bullshit. I don’t think I ever
actually bought into the concept so much as went
along with it for the free money. Just saying.
Back to the show where Orton, Kingston and Cena are
on their way out.
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston vs.
John Cena (#1 Contender’s Match)
tries to go after both people right away but he gets
nowhere amidst the Cena Sucks chants. Kingston and
Cena double suplex Orton before Kingston nails a
corner splash. Cena slams him to the corner and
delivers a fisherman’s suplex and Kingston comes in
with some uppercuts and elbows. Cena chases Orton to
the floor and throws him back in. Cena and Kingston
double team some more with elbow drops and Kingston
tosses Orton to the floor. Cole is fucking up calls
left and right in this match.
Kingston square off as Sheamus comes down to watch
over things from the ring entrance. Orton attacks
them both from behind during the distraction and
starts stomping them both down as we go back to
Random Commercial Thought: I
think Family Guy made a better Waltons joke.
Back to the show. Cena has Kingston in a headlock in
the ring and Cena is selling on the floor for the
abnormally long period of time that people in Triple
Threat matches do. I love how if things worked like
this in a normal match, then everyone would get
counted out after the lightest bump. Cena tries to
crawl back in but Orton catches him with the
suspended DDT off the middle rope. Kingston leaps
off the top with a cross body on Orton for two.
Kingston kicks Orton into the corner but Orton comes
back with the inverted backbreaker. Orton turns
around into an assault from Cena but Cena misses a
corner charge and sends himself into the ring post.
Kingston comes back with the SOS on Orton for two.
So that’s what the flip over move is called.
Kingston sets up for the Boom Drop, but Cena drop
toe holds him out of it into the STF. Orton manages
to get up and break the hold before Kingston taps.
Orton whiffs a clothesline and eats the general Cena
offense into the protobomb. Five Knuckle Shuffle
actually hits and Orton stumbles into an FU but
Kingston pulls him out of it instead of letting
Orton take it first to eliminate him. Kingston
delivers some big clotheslines and hit’s the Boom
Drop on Cena. The crowd is fucking dead for Kingston
tonight. Trouble in Paradise hits Cena and sends him
straight to the floor. Kingston leaps onto Orton in
the corner for mounted punches while on the outside
Rhodes kicks the steps into Cena’s face. He then
distracts the ref while Dibiase knocks Kofi off of
the Orton in the corner. Orton shoves Kingston
around and signals an RKO before nailing him with it
and picking up the three.
Tyson is in an interview tonight when Hornswoggle
comes to taunt him. He tells him nicely if he sees
him tonight he will tear his intestines out and play
jump rope with it. That. Was. Awesome. Seriously the
description of things he will do to him goes on and
is easily the best thing I’ve seen all night.
Random Commercial Thought: Angels look suspiciously
like vampires, as if they are just trying to cash in
on the vampire craze.
Back to the show where
we get a replay of MVP’s win last week before
cutting to the Miz in the back. He cuts his own
soliloquy. He tells an amusing story about being
banned from the locker room for six months for
eating chicken over a referee’s bag. Yeah, who knew
the referees had so much clout. Randy Orton can shit
in a diva’s bag, but chicken better be kept the fuck
away from those refs. He walks through the back
talking until he’s made his way out to ringside. I
think somebody gave this crowd a bunch of
He cuts a pretty good promo
here before his exit is interrupted by MVP in his
brown pimp suit. He gives one of those “Black men
who turned his life around” speeches that Booker T
used to give all the time. The crowd chants that the
Miz is awesome for a bit before arguing with some
other that MVP is great. It takes a bit for MVP to
strip down to an undershirt as MVP calls him a
monkey flinging shit. MVP then goes on a rant about
his prison stay. The same group of guys that have
been pushing the heels all night go on a Boring
chant now. I’m apt to agree. We get a stare down.
Christ I’ve never seen the US belt get this much
screen time. Finally, MVP tackles Miz but Miz fight
back and kicks him one. MVP leaps frogs into a
clothesline and delivers a running kick to send Miz
to the floor.
After that, we get a segment
about the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. They then rerun
back to 1998 for Tyson knocking out Michaels again
and another clip about McMahon and Hart before going
back to commercial.
Thought: You’ve never seen funny until you’ve seen
announcers trying to sell Robocop as a wrestling
Back to the show. Eve is here to take
on…uh…who the fuck is that? Oh, Katie Lea. She looks
like a goth vampire.
Eve Torres vs. Katie Lea Burchill
Katie has control early on but Katie fights out only
to leap into a cross body that is caught into a
swinging back breaker for two. Eve kicks her in the
gut and comes back with a clothesline for two. Eve
delivers some more dropkicks and bombs a terrible
flip over senton. Meanwhile King is talking about
how good Maryse smells. Eve meanwhile rolls Katie up
We get another
video package about Tyson’s boxing career. In the
back, Carlito is telling Gail Kim to come chomp his
apple after the Royal Rumble when they are brushed
past by an angry looking Vince McMahon on our way to
Random Commercial Thought: I
don’t care if he’s played by a grown man, a day old
baby cannot operate a jack in the box or other toys.
Back to the show for a recap of the Triple Threat
finish. Vince is out to talk about Bret Hart as the
crowd chants We Want Bret and follows it up with a
Boring chant. Man, these guys are dicks. Vince says
if Bret wants closure, Bret Hart is officially and
forever banned from being seen in the WWE ever
again. EVER WE TOTALLY MEAN IT FOR REALZ. Tyson is
doing some warm up punches on the mits with Jericho.
Random Commercial Thought: Maybe if I close my eyes
it will all just go away.
Don Johnson and
John Heder are hosting next week. Yeah, I know you
care. DX is out now, glow sticks and all. Seriously,
with their current ring gear, all they are missing
is big signs on their backs “This Space For Rent”. I
could go brush my teeth (myths do come true) in the
time it takes for DX to come out, do their thing and
then Jericho and Tyson come out separately. I love
how Jericho has been banned from Raw and Big Show
has been seen less than him since the first time it
Tyson & Chris Jericho vs. Unified Tag Team Champions
Tyson starts off with
Michaels and tosses him off. He tosses him off again
and yet a third time. Michaels gets some tips from
Trips and runs at Tyson right into a punch that
floors him. He decides to just tag in Trips. Triple
H stares down and ties up, getting forced to the
corner. The ref pulls him off but Trips tries a
cheap kick so Tyson tosses him back to the corner.
Tyson ties up again, and I’m getting tired of
fucking tie ups. Jericho makes a blind tag and
attacks Trips in the corner. Oh, yay, moves. Trips
tries a pedigree, but DX starts a double team on
Jericho. Jericho eats a rising knee. I know Tyson
can’t actually take any of this, but damn, this just
makes Jericho look like a fucking bitch. Jericho
eats some chops from Michaels now, but Jericho gets
a quick pin for two. He and Michaels toll through
each other’s pins for two count but Jericho pulls
out into the Walls. Michaels kicks him off into
Trips and rolls Jericho up for two. Jericho
an enziguiri and tags in Tyson.
Michaels on the ground as Hornswoggle’s music hits
and he…gets the biggest pop of the night. Evander
Hollyswoggle is what they call him as he comes out
in a ring robe, shorts and gloves. Jericho tags in
and everyone is in the ring now as Jericho demands
Hornswoggle be thrown out. Behind Jericho, Tyson
pulls off his shirt to reveal a DX shirt before
knocking Jericho out with a single punch. The ref
says fuck it and just counts the three. Who needs
actual rules these days.
hugs Tyson post match as I shake my head in shame.
Shame I tell you.
Highlight of the Night: Tyson describes
horrible acts against Hornswoggle.
Lowlight of the Night: Eve Torres and Katie
Lea was a perfect waste of my fucking time.
WWE “Creative” Award: Who
thought putting Sheamus and Orton in a match
together is a good idea? Really now?