Welcome back to Raw as we
hype up for the Rumble, expect um…not much probably.
The show opens
from theme straight to the tag team champions
arriving as King declares we’ll get a Hall of Fame
inductee tonight and he’s the greatest of all time.
Cena will also be joining us to respond to getting
his ass beat. Nexus attacks Marella and Koxlov
before the match gets started. After Nexus finishes
demolishing them, Punk says the title match is being
rescheduled for a later date. Punk basically says he
can lead Nexus to the greatest moments of their
careers if they let him. Punk says Nexus will be
undergoing initiations tonight into the new group to
go with their rocking new shirts before declaring
Michael McGuillicutty has to get his ass kicked by
Nexus as his. So they do. It’s finished off by a 450
and the GTS. They carry him out afterward like he’s
Caligula or something (I just fit eleven minutes of
wasted time into one paragraph and it didn’t even
Random Commercial Thought:
Floating heads do not a commercial make, WWE.
Back to the show for R-Truth singing. Save us all.
Alberto Del Rio‘s announcer is already in the ring
and does his honors.
Alberto Del Rio
off strong with some punches. Truth kicks and
punches, chucking Del Rio to the corner for some
mounted punches. Del Rio comes back with a shot to
the corner on Truth who bounces out into what looks
a lot like the Apple Jack (my name for Carlito’s
backstabber to those of you who don’t know). Rio
gets two and follows with mounted punches. Truth
ducks a clothesline and fires back with a head
scissor. They both fall to the floor off of a
clothesline from Truth. They start a ten count and
Del Rio’s announcer starts yelling at Truth about
What’s Up on the mic. He gets decked with a right,
but Rio makes it back in the ring at ten to win the
Winner: Del Rio
Truth storms off in
a huff (actually he takes it pretty well). Rio says
he’s going to win the Rumble and he wants to show us
some real music, mariachi music. He begs his
announcer to do some singing for him. Oh my God, I
suddenly want Jillian Hall back.
Commercial Thought: What happened to quality,
Toyota? I say you embrace the spirit of Japan and
include free tentacle rape with every new car.
Back to the show for King whining about getting his
ass kicked by the Miz, which causes more whining
between him and Cole before the GM interrupts
things. The crowd shits on this so hard now it’s
impossible to hear him. The GM says he supports
Michael Cole in every conceivable way….yeah…”even
though he’s a conceited, pompous, arrogant,
self-centered, pretentious jerk.” That was good…oh
no wait it says just kidding and the reality is
Michael Cole has done a phenomenal job and is the
epitome of manhood with the guts to stand up against
popular opinion. I’m beginning to believe that Cole
is the GM more and more now. He lists off his
accomplishments as I have to wonder why we spend so
much time putting this guy over. Also it says he’s
good looking. King interrupts things saying he just
received a message from the WWE Universe and he
quotes “Will you shut up?”
King calls him a
coward, and approaches the computer stand and Cole
says if he touches him, he’ll be fired by order of
the GM. King closes the computer so we receive
another message. It assures us Michael Cole is not a
coward and neither is King so it’s going to be King
and Orton against Miz and Riley tonight.
Elsewhere in the back, Husky Harris gets tied up and
whipped. This is a long and incredibly uncomfortable
scene to watch. All it really needed was more Choppy
Choppy Your Peepee and maybe it wouldn’t have just
been a deleted scene from Hostel. It goes on for
several minutes with no speaking, just grunting and
Random Commercial Thought:
Burritos shouldn’t crunch.
Back to the
show…the Big Show as he appears following a recap of
NXT that nobody cared about. Show is happy to be
here and thanks the GM for having his time right now
because he wants to discuss Wade Barrett. He says
he’s going to knock him out this Friday (and by
Friday he means Tuesday). The second thing is that
he’s letting everyone know he’s going to fuck them
up at the Rumble. Nexus interrupts things (what’s
left of them) and I have to say their new shirts are
actually pretty awesome designed. Otunga charges the
ring and realizes nobody came with him. He pauses
and decides to come out anyway and picks a fight
with a slap to the face. He then reals back looking
like he’s about to cry. Show hilariously just looks
at him before kicking the shi out of him all around
the ring and ringside.
He gets paddled over
the announce desk like a red-headed stepchild, I
mean like Heath Slater. The crowd chants for a knock
out but Show destroys him with a choke slam in the
middle of the ring instead. I beat Gabriel and
Slater are hoping for initiations that involve
picking fights with Yoshi Tatsu instead. Punk,
Slater and Gabriel declare black power fists
following Show delivering the knock out punch to an
already grounded Otunga. The Nexus of Domination
might want to do some actual dominating though.
Random Commercial Thought: Chopsticks is an epic
song, you shall not disrespect it.
the show for John Morrison/Sheamus 25. Morrison’s
entrance is accompanied by a replay of the title
match from last week. King says the first Hall of
Fame inductee will be announced tonight and it’s the
greatest superstar of all time. Clearly it is Disco
King Sheamus vs. John
Signal keeps cutting
out at the beginning here, but somewhere in the
darkness, the Gambler he broke even and in his final
words- oh no wait, Sheamus is clothes lining
Morrison, never mind. Sheamus picks up a two count
off of an elbow drop. Sheamus rakes the eyes and
chokes Morrison out on the ropes while Cole and King
whine about King’s opportunity to get back at Miz.
WHY is that feud still going? Sheamus gets another
two count off of an elbow drop and applies a
modified bow and arrow lock. Morrison kicks his way
free. Morrison fights back with several kicks but
gets punished out of the corner by kicks from
Sheamus to the legs. Morrison drops Sheamus with
something when I’m not looking but Sheamus shoves
him to the floor when Morrison tries for a Starship
Random Commercial Thought: the new Cox
commercials are epically lame, and I have no idea
why Santa Clause Conquers the Martians is in them.
Sheamus is working a submission and delivers a
running power slam for a two count. Sheamus picks up
another two count while Morrison tries to crawl away
on his side to the corner. Morrison tries to kick
out at him and Sheamus just stops on his ass and
goes back to a submission. Morrison escapes and
tries to set up for a Flash kick but Sheamus ducks.
Morrison manages to pull a rope down and send
Sheamus to the floor when he tries to charge.
Morrison slingshots out over the ropes but eats a
knee to the chest for his trouble. Nice job. Sheamus
slams him chest first onto the steps before taking
it back inside.
Cole says Sheamus smells
blood which might happen if they weren’t pussies and
would show some again. Sheamus sets up for the kick,
but Morrison can’t even get to his feet and just
falls down so Sheamus kicks him in the back instead
before setting him up top for a superplex. Morrison
slams Sheamus’ face into the post and delivers the
running knee when Sheamus falls to his ass, picking
up the sudden three count.
We get a replay of initiations from earlier in the
night in case you missed the beat downs. Harris
getting whipped is just fucking creepy. Who on the
writing team has the bondage fetish with fat guys?
Punk approaches Slater and Gabriel with kendo sticks
and says for them not to worry because he’s not
going to beat them with the kendo sticks (They are
Shinai actually….)…because they are going to do it
themselves and do it until he tells them to stop.
They prep forever and Punk says he expects them to
swing for the fences or he’s kicking them out. Kick
out Slater…please kick out Slater. When they
hesitate again, he yells at them to do it then they
look at their sticks, look at him….and wind up.
Punk demands they hit him then if they want to. Why
not get a crown while you’re at it. They pussy out.
Oookaaay? King reminds us of the hall of fame
Random Commercial Thought: I really
loved the beta of DC Universe Online.
the show where King is in the ring rocking a shirt
Richard Simmons might be ashamed to wear. He says
less than a 100 of the deserving wresters have been
inducted and lists off skills that good superstars
have. In case you couldn’t have guessed by now, it’s
Shawn Michaels. Cue sappy video montage. Michaels
actually makes an appearance afterward, though he’s
still rocking that camo bandana. He doesn’t have the
beer gut for his own hunting show. Nice of them to
have his pyro cued up.
Before Shawn can say
anything, he’s interrupted by Del Rio who says he’s
the present and future while Michaels is the past.
He tries to get lippy and eats a super kick. His
scarf hilariously falls over his face before Shawn
delivers a nature boy strut and cools off his foot.
I admit that was funny. Hey, he just stole his
scarf, arrest that man!
Thought: Where’s an egg?
Back to the show
where Miz is bitching to Riley that all anyone will
talk about is Orton winning last week instead of his
amazing match. Honestly, yeah his match was way
better than Orton’s. His problem is that no one
gives him the respect he deserves. We then see Cole
in the ring who is interrupted by CM Punk on the top
of the titantron before I even bothered to hear what
Cole was saying. Probably wasn’t important. Punk
says the others have sacrificed themselves for their
initiations so apparently he’s going to do the
same…by reenacting Owen Hart’s most memorable
moment? He actually goes on as if he’s about to
commit suicide, because it will prove that he was
not only a member of Nexus, but he was their leader.
Nice past tense use. Punk asks if he should dive
(big cheer, remember when everyone cheered for the
people leaping from the World Trade Center?
Comedy!). He asks if he should rupture every muscle
and break every bone before doing his
Punk pauses and says he has one more
question…how gullible are we? He lifts his shirt to
show he wearing a harness and has a cord on his back
and he’s safer than any of the people sitting in
their seats…unless you’re Owen Hart. He asks what
kind of idiot jumps off the Titan Tron. Didn’t Jeff
Hardy do that once? Punk’s music plays before
Harris, Mcguillicutty (I don’t care if I’m spelling
it wrong) and Otunga come out. Punk comes to the
ring as well and says anyone who thought he was
gonna jump is an idiot and anyone who would consider
that is retarded. He says he doesn’t need an
initiating, he’s the leader of the new Nexus.
Punk is interrupted by Cena who is on the screen
saying Punk is wasting everyone’s time when Cena has
already given all of the members a physical
initiation, but there is one he hasn’t done yet, CM
Sucks. Is he seriously still going with that? It
doesn’t even sound like he’s buying that line when
he says it. Punks says he won’t be intimidated by
him, but Cena challenges him to a match next week to
prove it. Punk accepts and Cena gets all serious
time because Punk is right, he gets violent and
brutal when provoked. Like a cop.
Commercial Thought: Sometimes when faced with
certain matches, I wish the commercial would never
Back to the show where Matthews is on
the mic again to fill in for Lawler in the ring.
WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley vs. Jerry the King
Lawler & Randy Orton
starts off with Riley. Miz runs from Lawler who
charges him. Riley catches Lawler from the rear
(haha….gay joke) and holds him for Miz. Miz comes in
on Lawler, but the tables are quickly turned and Miz
is beat down on the ground. Miz escapes to the floor
where he’s slammed into the table several time and
into the ring edge before eating the steel steps.
Mis eventually makes a tag to Riley who gets wrecked
hard as well. Orton tags in and stalks him but
allows a tag to Miz. Miz immediately is sent down to
the mat and stomped on hard by Orton. Lawler tags
back in and gears up with right hands on Miz.
He beats Miz into the floor in the corner, but Miz
rallies back and grounds Lawler with a headlock. Miz
sets up Lawler in the corner and delivers his riding
clothesline as we head off to commercial (while
already in overtime here)
Thought: Fairly Legal looks Fairly Shit.
to the show where King fights free fo a submission
by Riley who tries a corner charge and slams his
shoulder into the ring post. Miz distracts the ref
from the tag to Orton who prevents him from coming
in. Miz gets his tag and goes for the skull
crushing finale, but Riley is hurt on the apron so
the ref is distracted, allowing Miz to take the RKO
from Orton. King covers, but only gets two when
Riley breaks it up. Riley is in now with Orton
getting a tag and doing his general offense. He
crushes Riley with the backbreaker and keeps staring
at Miz on the floor in between shots. Riley eats the
suspended DDT and Orton sets up for an RKO, managing
not to hurt himself. Miz tries to sneak in but Orton
whirls on him and stares him back out.
tries to attack Orton from behind who just blind
RKOs him. Orton dares Miz to come in and face off
before making the tag to King. Orton just stands
between Miz and Riley (the ref no longer cares
apparently) while King finishes off Riley with the
fist drop for three.
Winners: Orton & Lawler
Highlight of the Night: A pretty
dismal show overall. I can’t really recommend this
broadcast, but if I had to pick a highlight it goes
to Morrison and Sheamus, though that matchup is
Lowlight of the Night: What’s
more boring and drawn-out than a Nexus beat down
segment? Several of them…done to themselves.
WWE “Creative” Award: I don’t get the
initiation thing. Maybe they should have not done
this? It was boring as hell.