Welcome to the first
appearance of Bret hart on WWE television in many
long years now. Oh, also Raw. I guess that is
happening too, but you wouldn’t know it from the
advertisements leading into tonight’s show, would
opens with the same Bret Hart video package they ran
last time before we cut to the crowd chanting for
Bret Hart. His theme and vid start playing and sure
enough we finally get him at the top of the ramp.
What’s funny is all the adults in the audience look
genuinely surprised we aren’t being swerved and he
is actually here. Bret tells us Hell must have
frozen over after twelve years. He says he’s been
finding a way to come back and that Vince has been
blocking him for years. Sure. He gets a welcome back
chant and thanks everyone in the “WWE Universe”
sounds like he practiced that lame title. Seriously,
having a Universe indicates having continuity like
the DCU and Bret recounts winning King of the Ring
and Lawler jumping him before saying it’s great to
see him. Bret says the first thing he wants to go is
call Shawn Michaels out here.
Bret says he
wants to bury the hatchet and call for a truce.
Right in his spinal cord. Shawn says he’s been
waiting twelve years to say something, that Bret
deserved what happened to him in Montreal. He says
Bret disrespected him and the business and he had a
hand in what Vince did. You Screwed Bret chants rise
and Bret says he rests his case. Shawn goes on to
say that what defines their relationship to him
though is the Iron Man Match. Bret agrees that they
shouldn’t define their careers by the worst of times
and Bret offers him a hand in friendship. While
talking, a corpse of Owen falls out of the rafter.
HAHA…bad taste. They shake hands. Because that
wasn’t gay enough, then they hug. Hmm….yeah that’s
gay enough. Shawn leaves afterward and Bret says
there is one more thing he wants to ask, so he asks
Vinnie Mac out. Vince doesn’t show though to a
series of boos. So we quickly cut to some match
Random Commercial Thought: Eventually
we’ll run out of big names to put in the hall of
fame and hype up and end up inducting active
Back to the show where in the back
Vince is blocked to his office by Josh. Vince says
he didn’t know he was called out to the ring and
says he will call Bret out, not the other way around
if it is to happen. Melina is injured now apparently
so the Women’s Title has been vacated and there will
be a Diva’s tournament, starting now. Oh god no.
Maryse is going to take on Brie Bella. They still
Brie Bella vs. Maryse
Maryse forces Brie to the rope but gets a cheap shot
in then runs to the ropes for safety and taunting.
She poses but Brie drags her in by the hair and
stomps Maryse into the corner. Maryse gets
tossed by the hair a couple of times as it looks
like Brie’s moveset is just the generic female
wrestler set from Smackdown vs. Raw. Maryse is
thrown ot he floor where the other Bella slams her
into the table. Brie rolls Maryse up back in the
ring for two. Maryse tries a clothesline and slams
Brie down by the hair awkwardly for two of her own.
Maryse taunts the other Bella and starts slamming
Brie around. The ref reprimands and Nikki switches
out but eats the French Kiss DDT anyway.
Miz comes out to say if she wins the
tournament he might call her back. Miz says 2010 is
the year of the Miz not the year of Maryse. He’s
come out to apparently watch the match for the #1
contender which will be determined in a Fatal
Fourway. Miz points out that MVP was only a champion
when he was being a dick. Good point.
Commercial Thought: Darksiders looks like absolute
shit on a stick.
MVP vs. Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. Mark Henry
We comes back to the match already in progress with
Mark Henry taking a break on the floor while Carlito
and Swagger stomp MVP. Carlito starts attacking
Swagger and beats him to the ropes, working on MVP
still on occasion, trying to keep them both down but
Swagger comes back with a big power slam to pick up
two on Carlito when MVP makes the save. Swagger
tries his luck on MVP next but Carlito breaks it up.
Swagger stacks them up in the corner but MVP dodges,
leaving Carlito to eat it. Swagger turns into a shot
from Henry who proceeds to toss MVP to the floor.
Swagger runs into a clothesline and Carlito eats a
head butt. Both Swagger and Carlito get annihilated
and Carlito’s feet are used to clothesline Swagger.
Henry switches out of his finisher into a much
slower bear hug rather than win. Swagger breaks up
the hold but gets put in a lame looking torture
MVP puts Henry down with a big running
kick and dropkick to send him to the floor. MVP
tries to take out swagger on the apron but instead
sends Carlito into him and delivers the playmaker to
Swagger, almost falling on his ass trying to get the
stupid pose, to pick up the three.
Random Commercial Thought: Blue Cat People will be
the highest grousing movie of all time.
to the show where Jericho is in the back talking
about memories with Hart in WCW and says that deep
down he bets Brett despises Michaels and he has an
idea to take care of those feelings. Jericho wants
him to be the guest referee. He wants Bret to ring
the bell as soon as he puts the Walls on a DX
member, like they would ever let him put the hold on
them haha. Bret says he really wants to put it to
bed. Elsewhere, DX is playing with their midget and
Shawn notes that he is not a child because he has a
beard. This somehow leads into Santino with a wig, I
have no idea what’s going on because the signal
breaks up several times, so I’m going to pretend
that Hornswoggle turned into the Incredible Hulk in
order to lay Santino out like that.
Commercial Thought: I just can’t get behind the
White Collar show. It feels like a show for chicks.
Back to the show where DX is ready to take on
Jerishow. Hornswoggle goes under the stage as we
start things off.
Jericho & The Big Show vs. Unified Tag Team
Champions Degeneration X w/ Hornswoggle
Show grabs Michaels right away who turns the tables
with a chop. Show whirls around for one of his own
but misses and eats a few more chops. Michaels and
Trips double team after a blind tag for a suplex,
but Show counters by suplexing them both as we go to
Random Commercial Thought:
When IS the Final Fantasy?
Back to the match
where Trips is trying to come back on Big Show. Show
just counters a face buster with a side walk slam
and walks all over Trips literally. Jericho tags in
and sends Trips down, doing a Hulk Hogan taunt as if
to say “LOL TNA”. Jericho goes for a full Nelson but
he isn’t Chris Masters so it does nothing. He’s
pushed into the ropes and eats a spine buster. Show
gets the tag first though and keeps Trips down. He
sets up for the big corner body splash and Trips
dodges, despite the fact Show threw himself so far
out he probably would have missed anyway. Michaels
comes in with big chops and nips up after the flying
forearm. Multiple times. The third time he just
dropkicks the knees and then the head before going
Jericho pushes Michaels off the top
while the ref is checking Show. Hornswoggle sentons
Big Show though while the ref looks to Jericho. I
don’t see a point to that and sure enough Show kicks
out. Michaels tunes up in the corner and Show
catches it with a choke slam. Show picks up two when
Michaels kicks out. Michaels proceeds to burying
Jericho too by spinning Jericho out of the Walls.
Trips makes the tag and pedigrees Jericho but Show
makes the save. DX then double team a Pedigree on
Big Show as he rolls to the floor. Jericho
sneaks in from behind and shoves Trips into Michaels
and rolls up Trips from behind for two. Jericho
manages to hit the code breaker and picks up two.
Hornswoggle tries a super kick on Jericho and gets
booted in the face. Jericho then counters a Pedigree
into the Walls, but Michaels super kicks him behind
the ref’s back for the win.
Big Show just stares down at Jericho laying out in
the ring after DX leaves with their taunts. Jericho
is thinking right now “My God…I might have to
actually main event on Smackdown again now.” Jericho
is left alone to crawls from the arena amidst that
stupid goodbye song.
We cut to the back where
Vince is disgusted to see someone at his door and it
turns out to be Orton and not Hart. Orton wants the
30 slot at the Rumble if he will provide backup and
kick Hart in the head for him. Vince tells him to
fuck off and Legacy accost Orton afterward. Rhodes
says the threats inspired them last week and if
Orton doesn’t win, they are going to beat his ass
and kick him out of Legacy. We go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Superman needs another
movie where he actually fights someone for once.
Back to the show where we find out Tyson will host
next week and no I don’t mean Tyson Tomko. We get a
replay of Sheamus cheating his win last week before
the Pastey Powerhouse makes his way to the ring. He
claims Cena couldn’t beat him, despite the fact that
Cena actually won the match but whatever. Sheamus
says he won’t be defending his belt at the Rumble
against Cena. Oh please let him drop the title
there, I don’t want Sheamus to Main Event Mania, it
will be the gayest fucking thing. Sheamus dares
anyone to step in the ring with him so…Evan Bourne
comes out? Weird. Bourne steals his microphone and
escapes to the floor to say the only reason Sheamus
has that title is because someone handed him the
opportunity. He says if he was given the same
opportunity he could beat him and he wants it right
now. Sheamus says he’ll let him have one at the
Rumble if he can win a match right now.
Evan Bourne vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-title
Bourne comes in the ring and
starts to annihilate Sheamus, just destroying his
knees and legs. He kicks Sheamus to the ground and
delivers Air Bourne but only picks up two. He goes
up top again but his cross body is caught and
Sheamus follows up with a clothesline. Cena chants
start up while Sheamus stomps him down. He kicks
Bourne down and follows up with the Razors Edge for
We get a pimping
for the card before segueing awkwardly into the
death of Steve William who died of Throat Cancer
just recently. And now commercials. Tragic.
Random Commercial Thought: What’s the next movie,
Bourne to be Wild?
Back to the show where
they run the Bret Hart video again. Oh. More
commercials. I really hope you all wanted to watch
Random Commercial Thought: Gosh,
seems like we were just here. Oh wait. WE WERE.
Back to the show. Again. Orton is on his way out and
Kofi Kingston is already here for this matchup.
Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
starts off strong, sending Orton reeling. Orton
tries to fight back, but Kofi baseball slides him to
the floor, sending Orton against the announcers
table in front of Legacy. Kofi almost gets caught
with the suspended DDT as he tries to get back in
the ring, but he slips free and back body drops
Orton over the ropes to the floor again. Legacy just
keeps looking at him while he writhes around like
“Help me! For the love of God help me!” Like a hero.
Random Commercial Thought: AGAIN?! Jesus Christ
guys. Well, I don’t want special burritos.
Back to the show. Kingston was sent flying off the
top turnbuckle to the floor while we were gone, but
is now in a headlock. I love how whenever the WWE
cuts to commercial it’s during some action you need
to see happened during the break but you can NEVER
MISS A SECOND of Randy Orton’s endless rest holds.
Orton continues to stomp Kingston down now and Orton
sweeps out with a kick to the knee. Orton just gets
all pissed and slams him face first into the
turnbuckles. Orton continues to work Kingston over
but Kofi manages to come back with a big kick to the
midsection. They both work to their feet and start
slugging it out.
Kofi works Orton back with
kicks and chest slaps, following up with dropkicks
before leaping to a mount in the corner with several
punches and an uppercut on the floor. Russian Leg
Sweep sets up the Boom Drop which leads to Kingston
signaling trouble in paradise like he’s ever hit it
off this. Orton just rolls to the floor and eats a
suicide dive. Legacy is just standing now to
watch the ass kicking but they sit down again as it
moves back inside. Kingston hit’s a top rope cross
body for two. Orton comes back, trying to throw
Kingston to the floor, but he springs back in only
to dodge an RKO. Orton kicks out of that weird flip
over move from Kingston. What is that called? BFS?
RKO chants start and Orton blocks a kick before
hitting the RKO.
Commercial Thought: You cannot escape John Cena,
even on Psych.
Back to the show where Vince
is out to call out Bret, whom despite all the hype
has barely been on the show at all. I’ve seen him
twice tonight so far. Vince says there is no reason
to call Bret out because Bret and Shawn buried the
hatchet so he feels the same way. What chants
continue ad infinitum. Mike Tyson doesn’t get quite
a very big pop as an announcement though. Bret just
comes out minus music to begin a segment that is
TOTALLY REAL AN UNEXPECTED WE SWEAR. Vince says he
knows what Bret is thinking and he knows the people
want to see him use the Sharpshooter but he wants
Bret to be the better man. Vince asks to get a few
things off his chest and the first thing is that big
mole. The second is that he does still believe Bret
screwed himself. He says he isn’t provoking him.
Bret says he really does want closure and he’s
halfway there, apparently he doesn’t care about the
ref who buttfucked him too.
about wanting the closure as this conversation turns
into that conversation that old people have when
they meet each other for the first time since
college in their sixties. He brings up Stu Hart and
says he wants to nominate him into the WWE Hall of
Fame this year. Too bad it isn’t Owen. You know. The
guy you killed. Wait, is that a “Where’s Owen?”
chant? Ha! The handshake is met with mixed applause
and boos. And then Bret nails him with a hatchet.
Okay not really. Vince kicks him in the nuts. No
seriously. He kicked him in the nuts. Gotcha bitch!
Bret eventually gets up and stares Vince off down
the aisle as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Have
to go with the tag team title match, even though it
was only okay, but it was the only real match on the
card it seems.
Lowlight of the Night: Bret shows up to make
huggie friends with everyone.
WWE “Creative” Award: Arrrrg, Sheamus and
Bourne. What the fuck was the point of that other
than making Sheamus look like a complete chump that
he almost got absolutely annihilated by a little guy