WWE
RAW RANT:
(01/04/10)
By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the first appearance of Bret hart on WWE television in many long years now. Oh, also Raw. I guess that is happening too, but you wouldn’t know it from the advertisements leading into tonight’s show, would you?

Raw 01.04.10

Show opens with the same Bret Hart video package they ran last time before we cut to the crowd chanting for Bret Hart. His theme and vid start playing and sure enough we finally get him at the top of the ramp. What’s funny is all the adults in the audience look genuinely surprised we aren’t being swerved and he is actually here. Bret tells us Hell must have frozen over after twelve years. He says he’s been finding a way to come back and that Vince has been blocking him for years. Sure. He gets a welcome back chant and thanks everyone in the “WWE Universe” sounds like he practiced that lame title. Seriously, having a Universe indicates having continuity like the DCU and Bret recounts winning King of the Ring and Lawler jumping him before saying it’s great to see him. Bret says the first thing he wants to go is call Shawn Michaels out here.

Bret says he wants to bury the hatchet and call for a truce. Right in his spinal cord. Shawn says he’s been waiting twelve years to say something, that Bret deserved what happened to him in Montreal. He says Bret disrespected him and the business and he had a hand in what Vince did. You Screwed Bret chants rise and Bret says he rests his case. Shawn goes on to say that what defines their relationship to him though is the Iron Man Match. Bret agrees that they shouldn’t define their careers by the worst of times and Bret offers him a hand in friendship. While talking, a corpse of Owen falls out of the rafter. HAHA…bad taste. They shake hands. Because that wasn’t gay enough, then they hug. Hmm….yeah that’s gay enough. Shawn leaves afterward and Bret says there is one more thing he wants to ask, so he asks Vinnie Mac out. Vince doesn’t show though to a series of boos. So we quickly cut to some match promos.

Random Commercial Thought: Eventually we’ll run out of big names to put in the hall of fame and hype up and end up inducting active wrestlers.

Back to the show where in the back Vince is blocked to his office by Josh. Vince says he didn’t know he was called out to the ring and says he will call Bret out, not the other way around if it is to happen. Melina is injured now apparently so the Women’s Title has been vacated and there will be a Diva’s tournament, starting now. Oh god no. Maryse is going to take on Brie Bella. They still wrestler?

Brie Bella vs. Maryse

Maryse forces Brie to the rope but gets a cheap shot in then runs to the ropes for safety and taunting. She poses but Brie drags her in by the hair and stomps Maryse into the corner.  Maryse gets tossed by the hair a couple of times as it looks like Brie’s moveset is just the generic female wrestler set from Smackdown vs. Raw. Maryse is thrown ot he floor where the other Bella slams her into the table. Brie rolls Maryse up back in the ring for two. Maryse tries a clothesline and slams Brie down by the hair awkwardly for two of her own. Maryse taunts the other Bella and starts slamming Brie around. The ref reprimands and Nikki switches out but eats the French Kiss DDT anyway.
Winner: Maryse

Miz comes out to say if she wins the tournament he might call her back. Miz says 2010 is the year of the Miz not the year of Maryse. He’s come out to apparently watch the match for the #1 contender which will be determined in a Fatal Fourway. Miz points out that MVP was only a champion when he was being a dick. Good point.

Random Commercial Thought: Darksiders looks like absolute shit on a stick.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. Mark Henry

We comes back to the match already in progress with Mark Henry taking a break on the floor while Carlito and Swagger stomp MVP. Carlito starts attacking Swagger and beats him to the ropes, working on MVP still on occasion, trying to keep them both down but Swagger comes back with a big power slam to pick up two on Carlito when MVP makes the save. Swagger tries his luck on MVP next but Carlito breaks it up. Swagger stacks them up in the corner but MVP dodges, leaving Carlito to eat it. Swagger turns into a shot from Henry who proceeds to toss MVP to the floor. Swagger runs into a clothesline and Carlito eats a head butt. Both Swagger and Carlito get annihilated and Carlito’s feet are used to clothesline Swagger. Henry switches out of his finisher into a much slower bear hug rather than win. Swagger breaks up the hold but gets put in a lame looking torture rack.

MVP puts Henry down with a big running kick and dropkick to send him to the floor. MVP tries to take out swagger on the apron but instead sends Carlito into him and delivers the playmaker to Swagger, almost falling on his ass trying to get the stupid pose, to pick up the three.
Winner: MVP

Random Commercial Thought: Blue Cat People will be the highest grousing movie of all time.

Back to the show where Jericho is in the back talking about memories with Hart in WCW and says that deep down he bets Brett despises Michaels and he has an idea to take care of those feelings. Jericho wants him to be the guest referee. He wants Bret to ring the bell as soon as he puts the Walls on a DX member, like they would ever let him put the hold on them haha. Bret says he really wants to put it to bed. Elsewhere, DX is playing with their midget and Shawn notes that he is not a child because he has a beard. This somehow leads into Santino with a wig, I have no idea what’s going on because the signal breaks up several times, so I’m going to pretend that Hornswoggle turned into the Incredible Hulk in order to lay Santino out like that.

Random Commercial Thought: I just can’t get behind the White Collar show. It feels like a show for chicks.

Back to the show where DX is ready to take on Jerishow. Hornswoggle goes under the stage as we start things off.

Jericho & The Big Show vs. Unified Tag Team Champions Degeneration X w/ Hornswoggle

Show grabs Michaels right away who turns the tables with a chop. Show whirls around for one of his own but misses and eats a few more chops. Michaels and Trips double team after a blind tag for a suplex, but Show counters by suplexing them both as we go to commercial again.

Random Commercial Thought: When IS the Final Fantasy?

Back to the match where Trips is trying to come back on Big Show. Show just counters a face buster with a side walk slam and walks all over Trips literally. Jericho tags in and sends Trips down, doing a Hulk Hogan taunt as if to say “LOL TNA”. Jericho goes for a full Nelson but he isn’t Chris Masters so it does nothing. He’s pushed into the ropes and eats a spine buster. Show gets the tag first though and keeps Trips down. He sets up for the big corner body splash and Trips dodges, despite the fact Show threw himself so far out he probably would have missed anyway. Michaels comes in with big chops and nips up after the flying forearm. Multiple times. The third time he just dropkicks the knees and then the head before going up top.

Jericho pushes Michaels off the top while the ref is checking Show. Hornswoggle sentons Big Show though while the ref looks to Jericho. I don’t see a point to that and sure enough Show kicks out. Michaels tunes up in the corner and Show catches it with a choke slam. Show picks up two when Michaels kicks out. Michaels proceeds to burying Jericho too by spinning Jericho out of the Walls. Trips makes the tag and pedigrees Jericho but Show makes the save. DX then double team a Pedigree on Big Show as he rolls to the floor.  Jericho sneaks in from behind and shoves Trips into Michaels and rolls up Trips from behind for two. Jericho manages to hit the code breaker and picks up two. Hornswoggle tries a super kick on Jericho and gets booted in the face. Jericho then counters a Pedigree into the Walls, but Michaels super kicks him behind the ref’s back for the win.
Winners: DX

Big Show just stares down at Jericho laying out in the ring after DX leaves with their taunts. Jericho is thinking right now “My God…I might have to actually main event on Smackdown again now.” Jericho is left alone to crawls from the arena amidst that stupid goodbye song.

We cut to the back where Vince is disgusted to see someone at his door and it turns out to be Orton and not Hart. Orton wants the 30 slot at the Rumble if he will provide backup and kick Hart in the head for him. Vince tells him to fuck off and Legacy accost Orton afterward. Rhodes says the threats inspired them last week and if Orton doesn’t win, they are going to beat his ass and kick him out of Legacy. We go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Superman needs another movie where he actually fights someone for once.

Back to the show where we find out Tyson will host next week and no I don’t mean Tyson Tomko. We get a replay of Sheamus cheating his win last week before the Pastey Powerhouse makes his way to the ring. He claims Cena couldn’t beat him, despite the fact that Cena actually won the match but whatever. Sheamus says he won’t be defending his belt at the Rumble against Cena. Oh please let him drop the title there, I don’t want Sheamus to Main Event Mania, it will be the gayest fucking thing. Sheamus dares anyone to step in the ring with him so…Evan Bourne comes out? Weird. Bourne steals his microphone and escapes to the floor to say the only reason Sheamus has that title is because someone handed him the opportunity. He says if he was given the same opportunity he could beat him and he wants it right now. Sheamus says he’ll let him have one at the Rumble if he can win a match right now.

Evan Bourne vs. WWE Champion Sheamus (Non-title Match)

Bourne comes in the ring and starts to annihilate Sheamus, just destroying his knees and legs. He kicks Sheamus to the ground and delivers Air Bourne but only picks up two. He goes up top again but his cross body is caught and Sheamus follows up with a clothesline. Cena chants start up while Sheamus stomps him down. He kicks Bourne down and follows up with the Razors Edge for the win.
Winner: Sheamus

We get a pimping for the card before segueing awkwardly into the death of Steve William who died of Throat Cancer just recently. And now commercials. Tragic.

Random Commercial Thought: What’s the next movie, Bourne to be Wild?

Back to the show where they run the Bret Hart video again. Oh. More commercials. I really hope you all wanted to watch commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Gosh, seems like we were just here. Oh wait. WE WERE.

Back to the show. Again. Orton is on his way out and Kofi Kingston is already here for this matchup.

Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton

Kingston starts off strong, sending Orton reeling. Orton tries to fight back, but Kofi baseball slides him to the floor, sending Orton against the announcers table in front of Legacy. Kofi almost gets caught with the suspended DDT as he tries to get back in the ring, but he slips free and back body drops Orton over the ropes to the floor again. Legacy just keeps looking at him while he writhes around like “Help me! For the love of God help me!” Like a hero.

Random Commercial Thought: AGAIN?! Jesus Christ guys. Well, I don’t want special burritos.

Back to the show. Kingston was sent flying off the top turnbuckle to the floor while we were gone, but is now in a headlock. I love how whenever the WWE cuts to commercial it’s during some action you need to see happened during the break but you can NEVER MISS A SECOND of Randy Orton’s endless rest holds. Orton continues to stomp Kingston down now and Orton sweeps out with a kick to the knee. Orton just gets all pissed and slams him face first into the turnbuckles. Orton continues to work Kingston over but Kofi manages to come back with a big kick to the midsection. They both work to their feet and start slugging it out.

Kofi works Orton back with kicks and chest slaps, following up with dropkicks before leaping to a mount in the corner with several punches and an uppercut on the floor. Russian Leg Sweep sets up the Boom Drop which leads to Kingston signaling trouble in paradise like he’s ever hit it off this. Orton just rolls to the floor and eats a suicide dive.  Legacy is just standing now to watch the ass kicking but they sit down again as it moves back inside. Kingston hit’s a top rope cross body for two. Orton comes back, trying to throw Kingston to the floor, but he springs back in only to dodge an RKO. Orton kicks out of that weird flip over move from Kingston. What is that called? BFS?  RKO chants start and Orton blocks a kick before hitting the RKO.
Winner: Orton

Random Commercial Thought: You cannot escape John Cena, even on Psych.

Back to the show where Vince is out to call out Bret, whom despite all the hype has barely been on the show at all. I’ve seen him twice tonight so far. Vince says there is no reason to call Bret out because Bret and Shawn buried the hatchet so he feels the same way.  What chants continue ad infinitum. Mike Tyson doesn’t get quite a very big pop as an announcement though. Bret just comes out minus music to begin a segment that is TOTALLY REAL AN UNEXPECTED WE SWEAR. Vince says he knows what Bret is thinking and he knows the people want to see him use the Sharpshooter but he wants Bret to be the better man. Vince asks to get a few things off his chest and the first thing is that big mole. The second is that he does still believe Bret screwed himself. He says he isn’t provoking him. Bret says he really does want closure and he’s halfway there, apparently he doesn’t care about the ref who buttfucked him too.

Vince agrees about wanting the closure as this conversation turns into that conversation that old people have when they meet each other for the first time since college in their sixties. He brings up Stu Hart and says he wants to nominate him into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. Too bad it isn’t Owen. You know. The guy you killed. Wait, is that a “Where’s Owen?” chant? Ha! The handshake is met with mixed applause and boos. And then Bret nails him with a hatchet. Okay not really. Vince kicks him in the nuts. No seriously. He kicked him in the nuts. Gotcha bitch! Bret eventually gets up and stares Vince off down the aisle as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Have to go with the tag team title match, even though it was only okay, but it was the only real match on the card it seems.

Lowlight of the Night: Bret shows up to make huggie friends with everyone.

WWE “Creative” Award: Arrrrg, Sheamus and Bourne. What the fuck was the point of that other than making Sheamus look like a complete chump that he almost got absolutely annihilated by a little guy like Bourne?

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Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.