By Cameron Burge
Show opens with Michael
Cole getting more screen time than he needs of
course, but he’s here to update us that Cena is
injured and probably won’t be here tonight after a
match with Wade Barrett who he supposedly killed
with chairs at that PPV, but oh well. We also find
out the WWE title match is opening the show.
Theme and pyro bring us into the first match of the year and who would have thought it would be Mix vs. John Morrison for the WWE title in a falls count anywhere match. Also, King appears to not be here since he was beat down last week and we get no replacement, leaving us with just Cole. Urge to mute rising….I like how he said last week he wouldn’t make any excuses for what Miz did last week but proceeds to do so very well. Oh, apparently we have Josh Matthews who has been silent this whole time.
WWE Champion The Miz w/ Alex Riley vs. John Morrison (WWE Championship Falls Count Anywhere Match)
Riley attacks with Miz right away but Morrison gets the better of them. Riley eats a knee in the face and Morrison slams Miz on the ring ramp to pick up a two count. Riley comes after him as you got to wonder why he picked this match type that allows Riley to get in on it. Riley breaks things up and Morrison slams him into the WWE logo stand. Miz gets the same and Morrison leaps from the W onto them both for a two count. The fight spills back to the ring and by spills I mean it casually walks. Miz catches Morrison with a sharp spinning elbow. Cole and Matthews argue like little girls again. I hate this duo. Help me. Miz goes for the superplex, but Morrison chucks him off for the missile dropkick/heel kick that gets another two count. Morrison pummels Miz into the corner and slapjacks him for an Oklahoma roll pin for two.
Miz goes for an arm wrench clothesline, but Morrison ducks and leaps off the ropes into the flash kick. Miz sits up and eats a knee to the head but Riley saves the pin so Morrison beats his ass all over ringside and sends him into the ring barricade. Morrison tackles him and just hammers the shit out of him. Morrison sets Riley up on the ring wall and runs and LEAP ONTO IT WITH A FLYING KNEE TO THE FACE. Awesome.
Random Commercial Thought: NCIS is still garbage.
As we return, Miz sets up a steel barricade against a wall and Miz goes for a suplex onto it, but Morrison turns it around. Miz blocks and they fight until Miz back tosses him onto the barricade for two. I didn’t see what follows, but Morrison is apparently laid out on the ring entrance as Miz gets another two count. He drags Morrison to his feet and tosses him onto the ring ramp (Matthews: “Oh no no!”….why?). Miz still can’t put him away yet. Morrison eats the ring barricade. Miz nails him in the face with some kind of rubber trash can it looks like and this kills him long enough for a two count. Back in the ring, Miz talks some shit on Morrison and walks around kicking him. Morrison gets pissed and fights to his feet as they reel into punches on each other. Cole, Matthews, shut the fuck up guys. Morrison comes in with clotheslines and the heel kick for two. Morrison does his roll through Russian leg sweep and Miz dodges Starship Pain.
Morrison lands on his feet but eats the back/neck breaker combo from Miz for another two.
Miz sets up for the Skullcrushing Finale, but Morrison slings him off. Miz misses a corner charge and slams himself into the ring post. Morrison drags him out and hits Starship Pain, but Miz manages to kick out after a delayed cover. Big chants for the table to be getting used now. Miz is set up for the knee (Wild Knee I guess it’s called?), but he ducks it and rolls Morrison up for two. Morrison kicks Miz to the floor and the table chants rise since they are right by it. Morrison hears your pitiful cries and sets Miz up before climbing to the ring apron for Starship Pain from the top. Miz rolls out of the way, putting Morrison through the table, but John kicks out at two. Cole throws a fit about poor officiating. Miz scoops him up and nails the Skullcrushing Finale on the floor and that’s it.
Great match, not much to complain about there. Kind of wondering why they blew their load so quick on the Morrison/Miz feud since we immediately find out there will be a cage match to determine the Royal Rumble challenger tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: What does it mean to have “limited commercial interruption”? What’s the limit?
Back to the show where the Phoenix Suns are here….both of them. Miz is interviewed in the back by some guy I have never heard of. He says the match just proved he’s still champion and wants to make sure we all heard him. Oh, and also he’s awesome. Indeed. Matthews and Cole proceed to argue at ringside about if Miz is awesome or not and move on awkwardly to Melina and Natalya….which has amounted to only two instances. Cole of course tells Natalya to get over it. Melina now arrives with Alicia and Maryse, the default evil pas for a six girl tag. No, come back! Stop leaving me here by myself for these.
Random Commercial Thought: Gangsta’s Paradise does not go with Green Hornet. Sorry.
We return to Eve, Brie and Natalya. Apparently we couldn’t have the other Bella tonight. Awwww-over it.
Natalya & Brie Bella & Eve Torres vs. Maryse & Alicia Fox & Melina
Brie starts off by rolling around with Maryse who escapes to the floor. Brie chases her around and gets a cheap shot for two. Maryse hangs her up on the middle rope with a knee to the back of the head. Brie doesn’t know how to sell this so Maryse kicks her to the floor where Nikki switches out from under the ring with her while the ref is talking to Maryse. Have you ever noticed Maryse is the only one who falls for this. Nikki hit’s a face buster but only gets two. The tags are made and Alicia gets raped by Natalya. Not in that way. She takes a dropkick to the back of the head and a spine buster. Melina breaks up the sharpshooter and grabs her leg from behind to allow a cheap shot from Alicia. Alicia takes an overhead suplex and Melina and Natalya mi it up on the apron. Melina tags in, but gets leveled, allowing for Eve to tag in and finish it with a neck breaker.
Random Commercial Thought: We need some of those McDonald’s hot dogs they have in Japan.
The Usos are already here and are going to take on Santino and ozlov who got their woman.
The Usos vs. WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov w/ Tamina (Non-title Match)
Jimmy begins with Kozlov who suplexes him and puts on a roll up leg lock that looks awesome. Jey tags in and Kozlov offers Santino in. Santino takes down Jey as they say Santino has been learning Sambo from Kozlov. Jey runs Santino down and Jimmy is back in for some double teaming. Santino does a rather awkward hold on Jimmy that drags him to the corner for a tag to Kozlov. Kozlov hammers on Jey and delivers a running power slam, but Jimmy escapes it and makes the tag to Jey for a top rope flying clothesline for two. Jey works a headlock and Kozlov tries to force him off only to get covered for one. Kozlov turns it around with a weird low back body drop. Jimmy comes in and drags him away by the leg. Kozlov just pulls him with his own power and kicks him off. Santino is hot off the tag and ducks a harlem side kick. Santino winds up his punches and the hip toss before he raises the roof and delivers the head butt for two when Jey breaks it up.
Kozlov charges an Uso who runs away and they botch a rope spot where he was supposed to fall over and doesn’t make it. Kozlov tries to throw himself over again which is hilarious so Jey just clotheslines him and gets tossed by Santino. Santino charges up the Cobra and goes for Jimmy, but Jimmy ducks and counters into the Samoan Drop for the three.
Tamina has an argument with Jimmy who fails to notice Kozlov’s return who locks him into some head butts. Tamina and Santino then double cobra Jey before taking their leave. That has to be embarrassing. We learn following this that USA will be adding Tough Enough to their broadcast schedule as Josh Matthews goes on about how great it was to be on that show. I think it’s funny they now plan to have a real reality show and a fake one at the same time since right after a segment of CM Punk preparing to come out for an announcement, we learn NXT is starting it’s first elimination of season 4.
Random Commercial Thought: Took a piss. Sue me!
Back to the show where Punk arrives to talk about last week. We get a replay of the beat down from last week as well. Punk says he’s taking over Nexus and Raw. Wade shows up to argue that he’s the leader, not Punk. Punk says he got raped by Cena so obviously it should have new leadership. Wade says he changed the face of Raw and calls Punk a lier about things like being Straight Edge. Punk suggests they ask the members of Nexus. Wade calls them out in agreement to this. Why did I have to hear that crappy theme twice? The GM interrupts before Otunga can say anything, but the GM says there will be three men in the #1 Contender’s Match tonight. Punk and Wade can either take the extra spot against Sheamus and Orton. Punk says he will allow Wade to take it because he would rather not fight Wade since he defended him, but if Wade loses he wants Wade to be out of Nexus, leaving him as leader.
Random Commercial Thought: Was Duck Hunt ever sold with a gun?
We return to Alberto Del Rio being announced by that one dude. I love how the announcer gets an announcer. He says his destiny is to win the Rumble and then make it to Mania which they oddly have not been hyping up much tonight. He’s interrupted in his speech by R-Truth who apparently interrupts by rapping. Please stop that. Ever notice he stole lyrics from that song in the hamster commercial? Truth says that his destination is to go back where he came from. FCW? Truth socks hi in the face with the microphone and then asks us what’s up.
Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth
Alberto misses a clothesline and Truth stays on the aggressive with shots. He leap frogs in the corner and backflips into the splits followed by a dropkick. Alberto is clotheslined to the floor where he takes a suicide pe from Truth before we go to commercial. Haha, his announcer is helping him up.
Random Commercial Thought: A fire in the disco just makes things more interesting.
Truth defies the norm by still winning when we return. He’s delivering some mounted punches. Alberto manages to battle back and start working over the arm with arm wrenches and hammering blows. Del Rio picks up a two count off of an arm wrench and goes to a light arm hold instead of his finisher because…um…I have no idea. Truth tries to do his leap frog in the corner, but sells the arm damage by falling back down in pain instead of managing it. Del Rio slams hi down for a two count and moves in to knee the shoulder. I have to wonder why Del Rio is one of the few wrestlers these days who still does a psychological approach to a submission finish. You have to respect that. Another arm lock that I don’t know the name of follows. Alberto knees Truth in the gut by the rope when he tries to rally back, but Truth dodges a running dropkick leaving Del Rio flying to the floor.
The announcer/gay lover helps Del Rio as Cole gets onto him for being a coach now. Pot called the kettle. Truth takes control back in the ring and picks up a two count off the big hip toss. Del Rio rolls to the apron and hits Truth in the gut before pulling his arm into the ring post by jumping off. Nice spot. Del Rio botches the cross arm breaker a little but gets it on. Truth hangs in there but finally just taps.
Winner: Del Rio
Random Commercial Thought: Can’t wait for that law that forces the lowering of volume for commercials.
Back to the show where Nexus is getting a pep talk from Wade about how he can make them all champions like he did Heath and Gabriel. They talk about how they always have his back when Punk shows up and wishes Wade luck. They then all shake Punk’s hand after Wade leaves as if in on some grand conspiracy. Orton is interviewed in an oddly purple room with nice painting in it….odd. Is this where he goes to find his center? He says he was too nice last year in showing compassion to people, because nice guys finish last.
Random Commercial Thought: I miss Bruce Lee.
Back to the show. The cage is lowered as Sheamus arrives and we learn when Wade coes out that Cena’s super serious injury isn’t so bad since he’s coming back next week to continue this feud that will NEVER FUCKING END ever.
Randy Orton vs. Wade Barrett vs. King Sheamus (#1 Contender’s Triple Threat Cage Match)
Wade gets the bright idea to try and climb away right away. It works badly. Sheamus and Orton beat him down in the corner. Wade kicks Sheamus away who pes to the other side of the cage to climb out. Orton notices after a moment and drags him down, running Sheamus down with a clothesline. Barrett levels Orton with a boot to the head and goes for Wasteland but Orton escapes. Orton leaps up the cage high, but Sheamus and Wade drag him down with the legs. They double team Orton, but this tie it’s Wade who makes a break for it. Sheamus stop hi by punching hi in the kidneys and clothes lining him. Sheamus takes his time trying to get out, but Orton springs to life suddenly.
Back on their feet, Sheamus sends Orton to the cage but he stops himself and clotheslines both men down. He decides to just leave through the door and taunts in his viper pose at the door. Uh….why can’t he leave? Cole says he couldn’t make it through the door. BULLSHIT. It’s right there, just back out on your belly asshole. The ref closes the door behind him like an asshole as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Henry Winkler is doomed to play overly energetic father figures the rest of his life.
We return to Orton escaping. He’s hanging out, but Sheams grabs him and holds on. Wade joins to helps carry him back in, but after they fall off, Sheamus is sitting on the cage…just jump…he jumps back in the ring. Orton goes for the suspended DDT in the ropes on Sheamus, which is funny because there isn’t enough room. Sheamus tries to escape so Orton drops the hole and tosses Wade to the cage. He goes for the DDT on them both at once, but they block it. Finally he goes for it on Sheamus….who just slides out and back body drops him. The spots in this match look fucking terrible. I can’t explain how many of them have just looked awful and been poorly planned. Maybe they sounded good on paper.
Sheamus kicks the tar out of Orton and tries to climb out again. I wonder if he will make it?! Of course not. They both tackle his ass. Wade and Sheamus double team on Orton. Wade mixes it up with Sheamus as a chant for Cena builds for some reason. Wade crushes Sheamus in the corner and tries to get out, but Orton is back to stop him while hanging out. Wade of course climbs back down. That is the dumbest spot. Stop doing that! Orton superplexes him off the top turnbuckle. Orton goes for an RKO on Sheamus, but it’s countered into the Irish Curse. Sheamus starts slamming Wade into the cage several times before crushing him with a suplex. Orton drags him back by the foot when he tries to leave through the door. Sheamus stomps him down and decides the door is too easy and goes to climb out.
Wade now stops him from escaping and trips Sheamus up on the top rope by his ankles. It’s Sheamus’ turn to be slammed into the cage several time and eat a kick to the gut. He does a move that reminds me of what we used to call the “Coat Hook” since it was used by that guy who did the Lita Baby Abortion storyline. Sheamus tries to stop Wade from escaping who decides not to escape when he fights Sheamus out so he goes for a top rope elbow drop. Retard. He elbowed a knee. Sucks to be him. Sheamus takes a breather in the corner and measures up Wade for the kick, but Orton cuts him off with a clothesline and does his offense and power slams both men. Sheamus eats an Angle Slam and Wade takes the suspended DDT. Sheamus cuts Orton’s momentum off with a boot.
Sheamus goes for the climb out, but Orton cuts him off and drags him back down. They fight on the top rope but Barrett cuts him off on the rope, wracking them both in the nuts. Wade thinks to himself, “Hm, my arm hurts…let’s climb the cage because I’m retarded.” Of course that’s what he does. Punk then arrives and climb the cage to offer Wade a hand. Punk starts dragging him up the wall and rips his arm band off before booting him in the head like that Santa from A Christmas Story. Sheamus clubs Orton with an axe handle and demands the door be opened. He kicks Barrett with the kick and decides to take his dear sweet time in heading to the door so Orton just springs up to the RKO and stares at them both before casually leaving through the door like they should have done ages ago.
Orton celebrates as the show goes off the air.
Highlight of the Night: Miz/Morrison takes this with ease.
Lowlight of the Night: Santino and Kozlov had one of their worse matches. Overall, the show was pretty good, not much to complain about.
WWE “Creative” Award: Whoever wrote some of the spots for that cage match.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
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