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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (October 2008)

October 06, 2008
October 13, 2008
October 20, 2008
October 27, 2008

WWE RAW RANT: (10/06/08) By Neil McGilloway

Hmmm…is it Tuesday already?


Yes, yes, everyone applaud and cheer (or run for the hills…whatever tickles your fancy).  I, Neil McGilloway, am here to save you, the loyal audience, from going a Monday without a Raw Rant.  According to last week’s report, looks like Cameron is “recuperating from a huge Super Smash Bros Brawl tournament in Houston where I fully plan on absolutely annihilating those bitches at the game. I’m that fucking good. Believe it.”  While I certainly hope he did well at the tourney, let’s face it, he probably got put up against some cheap-ass using Captain Falcon and getting Falcon Punched into oblivion.  At least, that’s what I would’ve done because that’s all I know how to do in that game.  SO!  Looks like you’re stuck with me tonight.  Quit whining, you bitch.



Wow, I forgot that RAW had this shit opening.  Months of habitual lateness watching this show will do that to a guy.  Coming LIVE from Seattle, we start off with Jericho coming out, and DAMN he looks like an Alabama housewife here with that lip.  I assume this was supposed to be a receipt for popping Whisper at Summerslam, because the bruise is in the same exact spot.  Apparently Adamle is no-showing tonight, proving that THERE IS A GOD.  THANK YOU LORD.  So, Jericho takes over for tonight, because he’s champ.  Hey, works for me.  Jericho gloats about winning tonight, before showing off a real Canadian smile, showing off the busted tooth he got from last night’s match.  Good luck winning Sexiest Manitoban this year, Chris.  Though, I have been hearing how apparently he’s getting similar to another Chris…Benoit.  I don’t see it.  He’s still got a few more missing teeth and murdered family members to go.  Jesus trolls, get your shit together.  So, Jericho basically says he washes his hands of Michaels, when the OH SO FABOO Batista comes out to rain on Jericho’s parade.    How is this guy straight again?  Jericho essentially tells Batista to fuck off, before mentioning how he is going to make the name Batista synonymous with failure.  Oh, he’s already there.  He’s up in JBL territory of blowing title shots.  Oops, I said something bad about him.  Now he’ll go and whine about not having a good push!  Batista spinebusters Jericho as his answer.  Dick.  And yes, I am biased.  What can I say, I don’t like Batista – he’s a metrosexual douche.  Him chanting “I’m Number one” to himself as he walks up the ramp isn’t helping his case.


Commercial Thought (because you need them every Monday):  My drawn hero would be Edward Penishands.   Doodle Spongebob wouldn’t stand a chance.


During the break, Jericho uses his make-believe executive powers to book Batista-JBL for the #1 Contendership.  AGAIN.  But this time Jericho’s the ref!  So OBVIOUSLY it’ll be better.  Duh.


Jamie Noble and Mickie James Vs. Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix


Regal and Layla are ringside for this one.  Layla with straight hair gives me a straight penis.  There, I said it.  Pre-match promo has Santino declaring his love for the Oklahoma City Thunder.  Ah, topical humor.  Because it’s Santino, however, it’s gold.  Scientifically proven.  Also, he leaves the shirt on the whole match.


James and Phoenix start out, with Mickie going off on Beth.  Quick tag to Santino gets Jamie in, who proceeds to almost get the Cross Arm Breaker in immediately, which has Beth run-in to break it up.  Another Beth distraction shortly after leads to a roll-up pin.  Yep, that’s it.


Winner:  Santino and Beth


God, I didn’t even have time to make any cheesy jokes!


Post-match sees Noble try to give chase to a running Santino, only to back body drop William Regal over the barricade when he tries a cheapshot.  This drives Regal into a SEIZURE OF RAGE, leading to a FUCKING AWESOME pull-apart, where the ref is basically holding Regal on the floor as he flops about hilariously like a fish out of water.


Backstage, Tard Grisham interviews Shawn Michaels, who apparently has a match with Lance Cade tonight.  Basic intense promo you’ve seen from him for the past few months (minus last week with HHH.  What the fuck was that?).


Commercial Thought:  I am really curious if they’re going to be able to pull of Max Payne being PG-13 and, you know, not sucking ass.


Kofi Kingston Vs. Ted Dibiase, Jr.


Seeing how Kofi’s TitanTron has every other Jamaican stereotype in it, I DEMAND a haze of pot-smoke obscuring the whole video.  It only makes sense.  CM Punk comes out to even the odds, to the SHOCK of Priceless.  Despite how he’s been doing it every time they show up.


Ted dominates from the start, landing an impressive knee drop looking thing from the top rope to Kofi’s chest.  A short body scissors is fought out of, followed by Kingston hitting a few of the NEW BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS.  Next he’ll be beating up rookies backstage, before taking them to Wrestler’s Court.  Kofi hits some more flip-floppy offense, and when Kingston goes for his finisher, Cody is up for the distraction.  CM puts a stop to that shit, only for Kofi to walk right into A Million-Dollar Legsweep for the loss.


Winner:  Ted Dibiase, Jr.


Heels have a hearty laugh as they go up the ramp.  Commercials.


Commercial Thought:  The ATV Riders in Pure look like they’re 1500 feet in the air.  Pretty sure ATV suspension and, umm, the human skeletal structure isn’t built for that kind of landing.


Shameless self-promotion…Raw was the most watched cable show last Monday.  That’s so vague I don’t even know where to start.


Backstage, Jericho is having chitchat with Orton, planning to “put him to work tonight.”  INTRIGUE! This transitions into a hype video for John Cena, and his injury and crap.  Batista proves to be a dick, AGAIN by saying “It was amazing how he kicked out even with that neck damage.  He still lost, though.  HAR HAR HAR GIVE ME MORE TITLE SHOTS.”  Fag.  Mark Henry, Tony Atlas, and Kane are walking backstage, only to be greeted by Dolph Ziggler.  I can’t wait for him to do that to Johnny Ace, only to be handed a pink slip.  They better videotape that.  More commercials please!


Commercial Thought:  Pretty sure I don’t want a Blu-Ray that features a massive close-up of Adam Sandler’s unit in my house…


Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy Vs. Mark Henry and Kane


Hey!  Rey-Rey decided to quit it with that “birdman” crap on his entrance.  All it took was Kane basically playing “batter-up” with him last night.  Hardy’s still showing off his Hulkster-level orange glow, in case you wanted to know.  Also, either my sound is off, or the only guy who got any kind of reaction from the crowd was Mysterio.  On second thought, my sound’s just fine.


Rey and Kane start, with Rey flailing FURIOUSLY, and then tagging to Hardy.  Kane gets the temporary advantage, and tags to Henry.  Henry misses a corner avalanche on Hardy, with the turnbuckle having an EXPLOSION of sweat.  Tag to Rey, Poetry in Motion, which gets transferred to Hardy clipping Henry’s knee, commercials.


Commercial Thought:  Know what’s NOT happening?  Me seeing a movie where plants get REVENGE. God, that was bad, even for me.


Back from break, where Henry and Kane are taking turns going to town on Hardy.  Hot tag to Rey, who hits some kicks for two, only to be tossed like a javelin to the outside.  It’s funny because he’s tiny.  Kane’s in now, with the requisite slow-mo beatdown on Mysterio.  Henry tags in to…pretty much just stand on Rey for a little while, before tagging back out to Kane.  Have to hand it to the guy; he certainly is efficient when he works in tag matches.  Tag in, do a move, tag out.  Kane goes for the sort-of top rope clothesline, only to miss and get headscissored into the turnbuckle.  Hot tag to Matt Hardy now, who runs wild on Kane.  When Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, Henry SLOWLY moves in Hardy’s general direction, only to be low-bridged out.  Kane gets set up for the 619, and Rey connects, but when Hardy tries going to the top rope, Henry tosses Rey into him from the floor basically, leading to Matt stumbling into the Chokeslam for another win for the heels.


Winner:  Mark Henry and Kane


Decent match.  Kane AND Henry certainly made one side a bit…lacking in the speed department.  Kane and Rey stare for just a few seconds too long after the match.  Something going on behind the scenes?  Something…sexual?  My God, I hope so.


Commercial Thought:  Sorry, had to take a piss.  And yes, you’re a better person for knowing.


Replay of Pete Rose taking a FUCKING ROUGH Tombstone from Kane back in 1998.  Let’s just say they’ve slowed down the dropping speed since then.


Shawn Michaels Vs. Lance Cade, No Disqualification


Guess it’s time for Shawn to get his pin back!


The fight goes to the outside almost immediately, as Cade pounds on HBK while screaming “I HATE YOU!”  Hayden Christensen has nothing on this guy.  Cade then quickly puts Shawn through a table with his finisher (I assume it’s the blue thunder bomb?), which you’d think would have ended the match.  You’d think wrong though, of course, as when Cade rolls HBK back in the ring, he tackles Cade, steals the chair he brought into the ring, and wallops Cade about 50 bazillion times (It’s a real number, I swear) before pinning him.


Winner:  Shawn Michaels


After the bell, Shawn has a moment with himself, before going right back to whacking Cade for another minute straight.  I laughed at how long it was going on, honestly.  Shawn then leaves with his super serial face (which to me looks like he just smelled an extremely rancid fart).


Commercial Thought.  Why do these Truth commercials have to be videotaped?  If they weren’t, someone on the streets of New York would’ve beat the ever-loving shit out of them by now.


ANOTHER shameless plug, this time with Smackdown and its shitty new opening theme.  Oh, and apparently the Main Event for Friday is HHH and Big Show for the title.  That’s some fine-ass planning there, WWE.


King is in the ring now, to hype up the first announced match for Cyber Sunday (Now being done by texts so you can blow copious amounts of cash for no reason!).  Santino Marella Vs. either Roddy Piper, GOLDUST?! And THE HONKY TONK MAN.  Given how choices 2 and 3 have been not on the best terms with the E, it’s somewhat surprising.


Great Khali comes out to interrupt Lillian, and hype his interview with Johnny Knoxville from Jackassworld.com.  Johnny makes dick jokes, Khali does NOT approve, and staged drama soon follows.  Khali then invites Knoxville to Raw next week.  Never have I seen anything so gripping since the days of Sasso Vs. Hart.  Khali then hosts the KISS CAM, which is hilarious as it climaxes with Lillian getting another hulking minority in the Great Khali.  He’s a pimp.  Don’t believe me?  Look up pictures of him on the ‘net.  Ugly as hell, but he gets the ladies.


Commerical Thought:  My footlong will only cost you $1.  I’m a bargain!


Kelly Kelly Vs. Jillian Hall


Jillian comes out to croon some “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” Probably leading to a few more people eating shotgun shells for dinner tonight.  Also, Miz and Morrison and Cryme Tyme come out to bitch at each other the whole match, instead of, say, doing commentary on the match.  Also also, Morrison has glitter on his abs.


Jillian is actually dominating the whole match, with various stretches designed to show off her freakish cleavage.  How nice.  This actually goes on for a long, long time.  Like more than 10 minutes long, which considering it’s a typical WWE Divas match.  Kelly just gets in a victory roll for the win.  That’s it.


Winner:  Kelly Kelly


The match was pretty average, but the two teams going at it on commentary was HILARIOUS.  Shame it was so fast paced that I couldn’t transcribe it.  Think your average “yo mama” bitch fight in 5th grade and you get the idea.  Youtube it.


Commercial Thought:  Apparently the government is out to do experiments on you and mysteriously exterminate you too?  They really should put that issue in the next debate.


MORE John Cena Hype please!  This time, it’s the entire WWE roster saying how Cena’s a freak of nature.  A Superman, if you will.


JBL Vs. Batista, #1 Contender’s Match for the World Heavyweight Championship


Apparently Batista is in John’s old “defying the odds” spot, with Jericho as the ref, William Regal (who’s thankfully calmed the fuck down from earlier) as the timekeeper, and Randy Orton on guest commentary.  Commercials!


Commercial Thought:  Good job, you fixed an old, beat-up piece of shit car.  Now enjoy being completely poor from blowing at least $100 a week on gas when that thing gets 5 MPG.


Back from break, Batista finally comes out, and actually hits the mark on his pyro perfectly!  For once!  In about the past 3 years!  Slow going from the start, as Batista dominates on JBL, only to get slow counts from Jericho.  Batista hit’s karate chops and chop blocks to JBL’s legs, followed by a pretty awful figure four.  This, of course, gets Ric Flair’s name-dropped.  I wonder if that’s legal now?  After Jericho forces the break, JBL sneaks a neck breaker, and other assorted hossiness.  Batista goes to town a little more, only to get no-sold on the count some more, and thrown to the outside.  Jericho leads JBL away, only for Regal to have another RAGE SEIZURE (hey, withdrawl has some serious side-effects) on Batista.  Rolling back in the ring, Jericho goes for a fast count, but no dice.  JBL gets a sleeper on now, and of COURSE, because wrestlers are dumb, Jericho doesn’t immediately call for the bell.  Jericho then trips up Batista as he goes for a corner charge, which leads to shenanigans, which gets Jericho speared.  Adamle AMAZINGLY returns to send a new ref out there; Batista dodges a Clothesline From Hell, and lands a spinebuster and Batista Bomb for the win.


Winner:  Batista Bomb


Adamle gets on the stick after the bell, and announces that for Cyber Sunday, Batista and Jericho will get a special guest ref themselves.  Who will it be?  Randy Orton?  Shawn Michaels?  Obligatory Stone Cold Steve Austin appearance?  TEXT MOTHERFUCKER!  THE END.


Highlight:  The top of the hour matches (Rey/Hardy Vs. Kane/Henry, Main Event) were both good, but I’m going with Miz and Morrison going tit-for-tat with Cryme Tyme.  What can I say, I laughed, and laughed hard.


Lowlight:  More 3-minute matches please!


WWE “Creative” Award:  John Batista in the house!  Welcome to the last three years, repeating over and over.


Hope you had fun reading.  I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was your very special Raw Report.  See you tomorrow.  Maybe.  Sean could pawn my job off for one night if he likes.  Otherwise, it’s the WEEK OF NEIL.  Live with it.


WWE RAW RANT: (10/13/08) By Cameron Burge

I hope you all enjoyed your one week vacation from me. You can’t believe how overjoyed I was to come back to find that WWE is already pushing Cyber Sunday. Nothing gets me excited as much as the prospect of a Kozlov/HHH title match. Not even pancakes. Tonight’s promotional bit is that Khali has called out Johnny Knoxville. I’m sure the calling out sounded something like: “AHGLMPLHMAALGGLEMPH!” (peek into the writing process: I just slammed my fingers on some of those keys randomly with capslock on. Tricks of the trade.) Seeing as how it’s October, I’m feeling generous and we’ll be replacing the Random Commercial Thoughts with Random Horror Thoughts. We’ll see how that goes.

Raw 10.13.08

Show opens with Jericho bitching and moaning to Adamle. He says he will talk to Shane and Steph but Adamle laughs and tells him that they turn their phones off during Raw. This is of course news to me as I could swear that most of the time they appear on the show they always seem to be talking on their phones. He claims to have another way to contact them and storms out, only stopping to gripe at some divas texting (TEXT YOUR VOTES NOW) oh so subtle. He comes out to ringside to talk to Shane and Steph through the TV since apparently he wasn’t aware he was already being filmed in the back so coming out to the ring was completely unnecessary. How you can completely miss that guy with the giant camera following you around is beyond me. He whines about his possible referees (VOTE FOR STONE COLD). He begs them to change the stipulations for his match. He flubs his lines and says his reign shouldn’t end to an unbiased official…or a biased official. Shawn
 Michaels eventually interrupts things. Somebody should tell him that a T-shirt, suit jacket and cowboy hat do NOT coordinate in any way whatsoever.

Shawn says he’d like to be able to say he could call the match fair and even let Jericho win so he could beat his ass for the belt personally. He says he would like to but he can’t. Oh I see what you did there. He makes the second political campaign reference of the night before beating Jericho to the floor. Jericho comes back out after a moment and says Batista will wrestle Michaels tonight (apparently they get to pick each other’s opponents tonight, I neglected to mention that). Apparently even though Michaels and Batista are on the same page about Jericho, I can only assume Batista will beat his ass anyway because that’s hardcore. Nothing says friendship like a hardcore ass beating.

Random Horror Thought: One of my favorite Horror franchises is the Saw series. If you enjoy Saw, you may find it interesting that even though the tag line for Saw V is “You won’t believe how it ends.”, the title Saw VI has already been licensed and put into preproduction.

Back to the show. Replay of Hardy and Rey getting owned and now it’s off to Rey Rey at ringside….who should have thought out that the mask he is wearing looks like a fucking KKK mask. He turns out to be wearing a hooded mask over a normal mask (racist) and gives it to some kid. You can vote for the Rey/Kane match at Cyber Sunday. Our choices are 2 out of 3 falls, Falls Count Anywhere, No Holds Barred. Exciting? I'm waiting for some real match stipulations like "loser sells their children into slavery" or "Enema on a Pole Match". Also here is Matt Hardy. Is anyone ever going to realize Henry’s entrance theme is so quiet and anti-climactic it sounds like something that would play for the janitor?

ECW Champion Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio vs. Kane & Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas w/o The World on his Back

Hardy starts off with Henry and pounds away only to get scoop slammed. Hardy avoids an elbow drop and jumps off the turnbuckles with elbows to the back of the head repeatedly. Henry meets him in the corner the third time but eats a tornado DDT for two. Hardy tries a Twist of Fate but is tossed into Kane. Hardy attacks Kane only to be ran down by Henry from behind. What the fuck is that on the back of Henry’s tights? An elephant? Kane and Henry take turns beating on Hardy before Henry grounds him with a chin lock. Atlas tells him to tear off Hardy’s head, which I have to agree is an extremely effective way of defeating an opponent. Hardy escapes Kane’s headlock when he tags in and makes the break to Rey. Rey goes to town on Kane and picks up a two count before sending Henry off the apron. Kane attacks from behind but Rey powers back with a head scissors and the 619. Hardy leaps out onto Henry who catches him but Rey leaps out to topple him over.
 Hardy and Henry fight up the apron and Rey leaps back into the ring only to get owned by Kane immediately with a shot to the chest for three (seriously, he just sort of pushes him in the chest).
Winners: Henry & Kane

Post match, Kane attempts a choke slam but Mysterio leaps out and kicks Kane to the floor. Elsewhere, Batista says there is no love lost (which means all the love was found) between him and Shawn and he will take him out if he has to. Aw that’s cute. I hope they go to the Olive Garden.

Random Horror Thought: I’ve only seen two movies to ever complete my theory that Random Head Explosions should be in every movie. One is Scanners and the other is a short film called Little Farm. (It’s actually really fucking terrible though.)

Back to the show. JBL’s theme plays. I once heard our own venerable Sean Carless spends his free time driving around his neighborhood blasting this song as part of his play list along with Muhammad Hassan’s theme and Real American. Fantastic. JBL decides to talk about the economy. He doesn’t seem to understand that a multi-billion dollar bail out plan is just massive inflation which actually causes you to lose money if you understand how that works. Ironically he starts calling himself a real American and….that starts playing. My God I’m psychic. It’s Haas Hogan? He’s got my vote.

JBL vs. Haas Hogan

At least he has the decency to tear off his shirt. The Haasamania belt is a nice touch. JBL slams Haas to the corner and immediately starts to pummel him into the ground with rights. Haas starts to…Haas up (god…) and performs the point. Here comes the dreaded punch combo into the big boot. Haas delivers the leg drop to absolutely nothing and JBL smashes him with a Clothesline from Hell.
Winner: JBL

Tard Grisham goes to the ring barricade to introduce the Jackass jackasses. They show some photoshops about the Great Khali from the Jackass website that are so unfunny it’s sad. They make some more completely unfunny jokes and I continue to wonder why anybody ever watches them. This is almost as bad as reading Youtube comments.

Random Horror Thought: Nosferatu is often considered to be the first horror movie though in actuality it is the first -feature length- horror film.

Back to the show. John Cena video package. Triple H says he will give us every drop of sweat he’s got which is just absolutely disgusting. We’re off to ringside for Randy who has much to my dismay yet to have a conversation with the voices in his head on the microphone. Randy says nobody has any kind words to say about him when he got hurt. That’s probably because he’s a douche bag I guess. He demands to not be voted for (I doubt he has to worry) so he won’t be put in harms way while so close to a full recovery.

Random Horror Thought: Vincent Price was a master of overacting. One of his most classic lines can be found in Masque of the Red Death: “Join me in the glories of hell!” Delivered in a manner so cheesy, you’d think he was inviting you to Sunday tea.

Back to the show. We come back to the participants for our match, Shawn and Batista, but they are interrupted by Jericho who says their match is now a lumberjack match. Huzzah?

Random Horror Thought: Alfred Hitchcock was nominated for 6 Academy Award, but never won one.

Back to the match which is already in progress.

Shawn Michaels vs. Batista (Lumberjack Match)

Shawn and Batista are trading off evenly with Shawn tripping Batista up and putting on a figure four.  Batista breaks free but can’t seem to get the upper hand as he continually gets his ass handed to him. I must admit I have not been paying much attention to this match, it’s been mostly both of them kind of grinding each other on the ground in a lewd and creepy manner. Batista eventually locks on a body scissors. This match is oddly completely against what these two usually wrestle so it’s kind of confusing. Shawn makes the ropes and Batista proceeds to stomp on his spine. These lumberjacks look as bored and uninterested in this match as the audience. Both men rush into the corner on each other with Shawn knocking Batista flat by catching him with a boot to the face. He flips over into an arching pin but only gets two. The lumberjacks are only the heels on the roster, including ECW heels, but it’s funny to see Deuce out there randomly. Shawn
 tries a super kick and gets tossed over the ropes, but he skins the cat only to fall back into a tilt a whirl side slam for two.

Batista delivers a clothesline and Michaels rolls to the floor where Henry locks on a bear hug. I would never hug a bear. One reason is because they are large and awkward to reach around. Also they have rough, coarse fur. Also they will eat you. Shawn is tossed back into the ring but Batista only gets two as we go to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: There are characters named Sam Loomis in both Psycho and Halloween. What a coincidence.

Back to the match. Batista is ramming into Michaels in the corner but Michaels ducks out and sends him to the floor. Orton tries to soccer kick him, but Batista’s Animal Sense must be tingling as he avoids it and fights off all the heels. Back in the ring Michaels delivers a shoulder block and nips up before going up top but one of the Lumberjacks tosses him off. Batista is up and tries to deliver a Batista bomb, but both spill to the floor when Michaels fights back in the hoisted position. The Lumberjacks tackle them both….is that the Highlanders? The Lumberjacks spill into the ring with them and the ref calls the match. Michaels and Batista save each other before Batista tries to spear Michaels only to hit Henry behind him.
Winner: No one?

Both men shake hands as Jericho looks constipated in the back.

Random Horror Thought: Maximum Overdrive and Trucks are both Stephen King films that cover the exact same material. However, Trucks was the only one to be a short story before being adapted to film (they both suck).

Back to the show. Santino and Beth are on their way out as we get a recap of the washed up has-beens we can choose from to face him. Oh yay! I suggest voting for Honky Tonk since it’s probably the only tie you’ll have a legitimate reason to text the word Honky to someone. He cuts a promo about Honky Tonk and the “two cross dressers”. He then goes on to talk about Johnny Knoxville and ask him into the ring. Johnny calls Beth a dude. This does not go well. She proceeds to power slam him….badly. He apparently didn’t know how to hold on…or sell. He just lays down with his hand on his stomach and….Hornswoggle randomly shows up to deliver a Tadpole Splash….I fucking hate you WWE.

Johnny and his friend are joined in the ring by Big Dick Johnson. I really fucking hate you WWE. I refuse to even describe what happened next. Eventually Boogie Man showed up though and clothesline Johnny’s fiend whose name I cannot remember and fed him worms. Johnny calls for a microphone and says it wasn’t that bad before pimping his website and being interrupted by Khali. Khali delivers a vice grip and slams Knoxville. I can only hope he killed him. Elsewhere in the back JTG is stealing a Ducks mask. This is pointless and I’m not sure why I bothered to mention it other than I felt the need to pass on the waste of time it put on me.

Random Horror Thought: When a Stranger Calls is an odd horror series, producing a sequel (When a Stranger Calls Back) and a Remake as well as a rip off movie by Asylum films titled “When a Killer Calls”.

Jillian, Miz and Morrison are in the ring to prove they are more gangster by rapping and singing. Wow. Jillian is eventually interrupted by Cryme Tyme’s theme and Kelly Kelly’s red pants. Those are very red pants.

Cryme Tyme & Kelly Kelly vs. Miz & Morrison & Jillian Hall (Mixed Gender Six-man Tag Match)

Kelly starts off with Jillian, getting in a clothesline for two before she delivers that ridiculous screaming head scissors. Jillian tags out so Kelly tags in JTG to tae on Miz. JTG decides he can box before deciding to forgo that and just knee him in the gut. JTG delivers a flip over neck breaker before being distracted by Jillian screaming. Miz attacks from behind and Morrison makes the tag. Morrison slams JTG for two before slowing us down to a crawl with a headlock. I almost wish they would put a ban on that move and come up with more interesting looking rest holds. JTG rolls under a clothesline and tags in Shad who runs Morrison over before crushing him in the corner. One handed spine buster picks up two when Miz breaks the pin. Everyone dives in the ring and the girls fall to the floor. JTG smacks Morrison with the Ducks mask from behind to allow a reverse Russian leg sweep by Shad for three.
Winners: Cryme Tyme & Kelly

Random Horror Thought: Ironically, the line “They’re coming to get you Barbara” is said by someone who dies immediately afterward, while Barbara lives to almost the very end of Night of the Living Dead.

Back to the show where we replay Undertaker getting knocked right the fuck out. Jericho is headed to the ring now, though we still don’t know his opponent for the night. I’m kind of still hoping for another Haas Hogan match.

Random Horror Thought: The Roger Corman flick “The Wasp Woman” has nothing whatsoever to do with Marvel Comics’ Wasp Woman. It involves a woman who turns into a monster from the jelly she uses to stay young.

Back to the show. CM Punk is revealed as the mystery opponent, which I suppose that’s nice too (Honky Tonk Man wasn’t available?). Batista points out there is now a special guest referee for the match…Batista. Jericho looks to be about to say “What is this faggotry?!”

CM Punk vs. World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho (Non-Title Match Special Referee: Batista)

Punk delivers arm drags and clotheslines Jericho to the floor as Batista starts to count him out. Jericho takes a walk so Batista grabs him from behind and tosses him back into the ring. That’s some proactive refereeing. Punk locks on his rope tied submission hold and Batista performs the slowest break count ever. Punk delivers a cross body from the top for two. Batista continues to make the big special referee error of not just blatantly counting the fastest three count ever and ringing the bell if he wanted to make him lose. Punk gets tripped off the top turn buckle and Jericho begins to deliver several kicks. Jericho delivers an Oklahoma roll and Batista graciously gives him a two count. How nice. Jericho tries a cobra clutch and the crowd rallies for Punk. Punk counters a bulldog by tossing Jericho and racking him on the corner turnbuckle. Punk goes to martial arts blows a side dropkick before missing the Pepsi One after the most retarded spinning
 dance move I’ve ever seen.

Punk counters a Walls attempt with rollup for two. Punk delivers the Pepsi One off the ropes instead of the corner, following with the bulldog to the GTS. Jericho counters out into the Code Breaker and covers, but Batista stops at two because he got something in his eye. I think it’s his finger. Jericho confronts him and eats a Batista Bomb. Punk casually picks up the pin.
Winner: Punk

I love how Batista’s ref shirt split right up the back. DAVE SMASH.

Highlight of the Night: Haas Hogan was easily the best thing of the night and made my day.

Lowlight of the Night: The Lumberjack match was just plan boring to watch and slow, especially for the two men in it.

WWE “Creative” Award: Jackass is way past its relevance or being funny.

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/20/08) By Cameron Burge
Welcome back to Raw. This week, we open the show with divas! Hey, where are you going?! It’s the hard sell for Cyber Sunday (the PPV for deranged online masturbators) even though it feels like we just had a PPV. We could call this Sap Your Wallet Sunday, but I suppose that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as well. Tonight, we continue with our horror movie factoids to help relieve your pain by talking about brutal murders and serial killers. Oh yay.

Raw 10.20.08

The opening video has been changed quite a bit again as we get a theme but no pyro before Kelly Squared is on the way to the ring. Oh fuck. Candice follows out to whatever the opposite of a reaction is. Jillian and Katie Lea come out together. This makes me wish Katie had her own entrance theme to play instead. They try to pimp (lulz) the Diva Halloween costume contest.

Kelly and Candice laugh at Jillian’s singing when she sings an old country tune. Kelly eventually tackles her though.

Kelly Kelly & Candice Michelle vs. Jillian Hall & Katie Lea

Kelly starts off with kicks and a backflip. She drags Jillian down by the hair for two before Candice tags in and delivers a flip over neck breaker for two. Jillian rallies back but misses a corner charge when Candice slips to the apron and hangs her head up on the rope. She kicks off Katie and delivers a head scissors over the ropes. Katie knocks her off because hanging upside helpless right beside an opponent probably isn’t the best idea. Katie tags in and goes to an abdominal stretch on the ground. Katie picks up a two count off a back breaker and Jillian tags in to deliver her handspring elbow for two. I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen her land it.

Candice comes back with a head scissors in the corner and Kelly tags in to tackle with several clothesline and her screaming head scissors. The elbow misses on Kelly and Jillian eats a top rope cross body. Katie breaks up the pin and Candice tosses her. Jillian tries to pick up the pin but Candice stops it, allowing Kelly to land…the Fameasser? My God it never goes away.
Winners: Kelly & Candice

After the match we get a video montage about Batista and Jericho’s little war last week. If they got to make each other’s match types, I would have just made my opponent have to wrestle in a “Winner has to beat himself with a brick and then watch Spy Kids 2” Match.

Random Horror Thought: Black Sheep is the most well done movie about vampiric sheep ever made.

Back to the show where Jericho is out. He forces Lillian to introduce him as the World Champion first before getting in the ring. He says she doesn’t respect him and he should never have to ask her to introduce him. I assume she has to follow him everywhere he goes and do that too. “Ladies and Gentlemen….now entering the strip club….World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho!” Jericho basically rants for a bit before going down the list of referees he has been stuck with for Cyber Sunday. He demands some respect and so Batista trots out through his pit of danger to tell him how stupid this is. Adamle interrupts them both, but I find it amusing his theme music is just the Raw theme, which makes the audience seem a bit confused as to who is coming out. Adamle says for the first time ever, they will both compete against the same three opponents in a Gauntlet Match. He repeats himself on that announcement since nobody seems to understanding what the
 fuck he means. He says it will be different, unpredictable and another Adamle Original. Oh god. Jericho sneaks in a bitchslap on Batista then turns tail.

Random Commercial Thought: Pet Sematary is spelled wrong.

Back to the show. We get a replay of JBL against a Real American Haas. JBL arrives and tells us it is insulting for him to have to compete against a has been impersonator. He demands the What chants to start then goes on a lecture on economy. I want to know which writer thought it was a good idea to try and make us learn while we watch wrestling. I don’t usually think of these two things. The glass breaks and….we get Stone Cold Steve Haastin? Who keeps scheduling these matches? Haastin chants begins. This is epic. JBL eventually gets tired of the act and they brawl.

Stone Cold Steve Haastin vs. JBL

Haas pummels JBL into the corner just the way Austin does. He’s got his movements and moves down well. Charlie kicks low and goes for a Stunner, but JBL blocks and delivers a Clothesline from Hell.
Winner: JBL

Random Horror Thought: While William Shatner’s face was the mask used by Michael Myers in Halloween, Leonard Nemoy made horror movie fame by appearing in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Back to the show where we get a video package of Mike Knox that makes him look like a deranged member of the Highlanders. Here comes Reyrey. He’s taking on Snitsky who has a precut video promo of him trying out some kind of failure haiku about suffering.

Snitsky waddles after Rey and delivers a gut buster before stomping Rey into the ground and dropping elbows for two.

We interrupt this display of the Pinnacle of Skill in our sport to bring you delicious home cooked cookies which I am currently eating. Aw yeah.

Rey Mysterio vs. Snitsky

Rey eventually trips him up and delivers a running dropkick before landing a top rope stomp to the sternum. From there it’s the 619 into the a springboard splash for the win.
Winner: Mysterio

Random Horror Thought: Johnny Depp has quite the horror movie record. His first movie was Nightmare on Elm Street in which he had one of the most memorable deaths of the series. He’s also starred in such films as From Hell, Sleepy Hollow and Secret Window.

Speaking of horror, back to the show. There’s an overly long video package on celebrities giving their opinion on John Cena. Does Ben Stiller still count as a celebrity? Miz and Morrison are out to the ring without their slow motion for once. I guess the effects budget either ran out or the guy was asleep in the truck. They campaign for their votes and drop the odd tidbit that they voted Pizza Friday into a Tofu Tuesday. CM Punk is teaming up with Kofi against these two for some seemingly inane reason. Can you say filler match?

CM Punk & Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz & John Morrison

Punk and Morrison literally chase each other in a small circle for a moment before Morrison gains a small upper hand and tags in Miz. Miz eats an enziguiri and Kingston makes the tag in, picking up a two count. There is a conversation of relating Miz and Morrison to super heroes for some reason. Perhaps they could both be the invisible woman and I wouldn’t have to see their matches? Kingston dropkicks Miz to the floor. Back in the ring, Punk is in now, delivering a big kick for two. Punk sends Miz to the floor and Morrison is in. Punk and Kingston hoist him up and dump Morrison over the ropes onto Miz. Back in the ring Kofi gets two.

Miz comes back, but Punk and Kingston double team with a series of awesome maneuvers for a two count by Punk. Miz pops a cheap shot and starts to deliver big rights to Punk. Punk counters him into the corner where Kingston makes the tag and rocks him. Kingston does an overly complicated arm drag for two and tries to prevent Miz from making the tag. Kingston springboards into a monkey flop and leaps at Miz in the corner, landing on the turnbuckles when he misses but Morrison pops off a kick to the head from the apron and makes the tag in now, stomps Kingston around as we go to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: The first major Survival Horror game that really set the precedence for mechanics seen in all games of the genre since was Clock Tower.

Back to the match. Miz and Morrison are taking turns beating down Kingston.  How far CM Punk has fallen. From wrestling for the World Title, to wrestling Miz and Morrison in a filler match. The match continues as much of the same until Morrison walks into a drop kick and Kingston ducks a clothesline from Miz. Kingston leaps to the tag and Punk destroys Morrison with heavy blows and a back kick. Morrison takes the Pepsi One and Punk goes for a springboard but Morrison ducks and Punk lands to his feet. Punk delivers a Powerslam for two but Miz breaks up the tag. Punk knocks Miz on the apron and Delivers the GTS to Morrison. Miz makes the blind tag however and rolls Punk up from behind for two.
Winners: Miz and Morrison

Jericho is in the back demanding more respect from Adamle. Adamle says the point of tonight to help him get respect. He stalks off after his little speech as we go to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: Vampira used to put her makeup and costume on herself before traveling to the set of Plan 9 from Outer Space.

Back to the show. Santino and Beth are out but Santino is looking…um…he’s apparently the Honky Piperdust for Halloween?  He cuts a promo on all his washed up opponents. He also manages to make fun of Jerry Lawler and Elvis dying on a toilet. Speaking of washed up old fat guys, it’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Jim does a pretty good job of talking them both down. Santino strips down for a fight but they toss his clothes in Duggan’s face and nail him with a guitar from behind. How he managed to cut his lip during all that is a good question though.

Random Horror Thought: Zombie Nation is #4 on IMDB’s bottom 100 movies.

Back to the show. Cryme Tyme come out after a video package about Mexicans or something. Who cares? LOL Foreigners….The tag champs and Manu come out and….a fight quickly erupts between everyone and Cryme Tyme get the shit kicked out of them pretty quickly. Wow what a match. The champs and Manu show off with the belts. Back to commercials. I would have been pissed if I had been in the audience for tonight’s show. It’s been little more than disappointments.

Random Horror Thought: See No Evil starring Kane is not the only horror movie of that title.

Back to the show. Cole and King stumble over each other trying to do the match votes. They fight with each other over whether Undertaker/Show’s match is a text or online vote (cole wins). Way to be on your feet guys. On to Jericho who is ready for the Gauntlet match. Unfortunately this match is not one that involves putting on iron gloves and mauling the living hell out of one another. Pity.

Random Horror Thought: Speaking of wrestler horror movies, Santa’s Slay is a prime example of bad horror that knows how to make fun of itself.

Back to the show. Batista is out next and Adamle magically appears in the ring like some kind of ninja. He’s having quite a bit of microphone trouble. Regal will be the first opponent and Batista starts off.

Batista & World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho in a Gauntlet Match.

Batista fights off the quick flurry from Regal and goes for a spine buster and Batista Bomb out to finish it quickly. Batista taunts and Jericho gets in the ring. Jericho demands that Regal get up and the ref takes his sweet time letting Regal crawl up the ropes slowly and whine in pain. As soon as he stands, Jericho delivers the code breaker for three again. Sheesh. Mark Henry is out next and Jericho has to wrestle him first. Adamle seems to be setting poor Chris up. Jericho gets tossed off of an early assault and kicked out of the Walls. Henry stomps him into the corner as Batista offers a little Miss America Pageant clap. Jericho dodges a big splash and lands the lionsault for two. Jericho tries to use the World Title on Henry when the ref isn’t looking but gets caught clubbing him out. Henry wins by DQ but as soon as he is up Batista owns him with a spine buster. Jericho is forced to start again as Kane is the next opponent.

Random Horror Thought: The Cube was shot on a single 14’ by 14’ set that was made to appear to be several different square rooms.

Back to the match. Kane is destroying Jericho with heavy shots, but Jericho manages to level Kane in the corner. Her taunts Batista and goes into the corner only for Kane to deliver a sharp right. Jericho trips Kane up for the Walls, but Kane throws him off. Kane begins to run Jericho over with clotheslines and delivers a side slam before bombing an elbow drop. Kane tosses Jericho off of an attempted Code Breaker and goes up top. Jericho trips him up on the top and meets Kane up top. Jericho trying to superplex Kane looks like a Midget groping at a load of some chicken meat. Kane throws him off and nails the flying clothesline for two. Jericho escapes a choke slam and gets hung up on the top rope when they botch a backdrop to the floor. Jericho backs away from Batista on the outside until Kane drags him up by the hair. Jericho slips away but runs into a big boot for three. Kane tosses Jericho to the floor and turns into a spear from Batista for three.
Winner: Batista

This was so retarded.

Highlight of the Night: Nothing much stood out. Once again. Charlie Haas was very funny and Santino’s outfit was pretty good, but the wrestling was all below par.

Lowlight of the Night: The Cryme Tyme non-match was stupid and pointless, it didn’t even have a promo.

WWE “Creative” Award: Punk, former world champions can’t even handle the fucking Miz?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/27/08) By Cameron Burge
It’s the day after Cyber Sunday (that magical day where all pedophiles make their wildest dreams come true?) and we have a new champion. Austin having been the guest referee (OMFGWTFBBQ?! I never saw that coming!), allowed Batista to pick up the strap and now we have to deal with even more miles of pits of danger or whatever the fuck his theme song is about. I’ve never really paid close enough attention to it. This is also the last show before Halloween, so we’re doing one more round of Horror factoids before returning to our usual format. I hope you all learned something you uncultured heathens!

Raw 10.27.08

Show opens with a replay of Jericho/Batista. I find it funny how even WWE doesn’t appreciate Cyber Sunday as evidenced by the fact it’s the only PPV they have where they play full video replays of what happened in the matches right after the event instead of mostly stills. Batista and Shawn Michaels will be teaming up against Jericho and JBL tonight and speaking of Jericho he’s on his way to the ring in a nice new suit. He calls last night the biggest screw job in WWE history. He says Austin was the most biased referee and he turned the odds against him. He says he needs more than the tag team match tonight. He wants to use his rematch clause next week. Adamle comes out to the Raw theme since he was too lazy to pick anything else off of the mix tape. He wants to ensure there is no outside interference and is making it a steel cage match. Jericho complains about being locked in a cage with an “animal” and storms out.

Before he makes it entirely out Orton comes out accompanied by the voices in his head. Orton demands that Steph and Shane come to Raw next week and fire Adamle or he will quit. The crowd cheers for both things. HOLY SHIT this is win/win! He calls Adamle spineless, saying he failed at everything he’s been in WWE. He says if he met up with his family he’d find he failed as a husband and father too. Adamle delivers the pussiest bitchslap of all time and they stare down. We get a replay of CM Punk and Kingston being beat down at Unforgiven before seeing them on their way out to a match as we go to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: In the original Nightmare on Elm Street, Glen listens to the radio station KRGR, a crude form of Krueger.

Back to the show. It’s time for a tag team title match featuring a team that has done not much of note.

Kofi Kingston & CM Punk vs. World Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase w/ Manu (World Tag Team Title Match)

Kingston starts off with Rhodes and uses a monkey flip before tagging in to Punk. Punk picks up a quick two count before Rhodes turns the tables and tags in Dibiase. Dibiase doesn’t take long to get his ass kicked. I find it odd how the tag team champions have yet to develop anything resembling a style or finishers, or even a signature tandem move. Whose dick did they suck? Punk gets worked over in the corner, but Punk comes back off the ropes and levels him with a dropkick. Cody comes in but Kingston catches him with a dropkick as well. Punk suicide dives onto the heels as we go to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: Saw and Dead Silence both feature dolls of the same name.

Back to the match. Punk is on the mat with Rhodes dropping knees for a two count. It never ceases to amaze me how easily the heels take over during a break. Punk counters Rhodes with an attempted GTS but Rhodes rolls free. CM Punk uses this to get the tag and Kingston leaps about into heavy offense. He takes down both heels and goes up top but Dibiase trips him while Rhodes distracts the ref. Back in the ring, Rhodes gets a two count. Dibiase tags in and delivers some mounted punches and other various strikes that are generally used to hide a lack of any technical mat work. Kingston makes a break for a tag as Cody comes in but doesn’t get far. This basically gets incredibly boring from here and not worth recapping. Suffice to say there is a lot of stomping involved and lots of switching in and out. Kingston eventually breaks free as can be expected. Punk comes in and annihilates the heels, sending Rhodes to the floor and decking Dibiase with a combo.

Punk goes to the corner with a Pepsi One and takes Manu off the apron. Kingston head scissors Rhodes completely to the floor and Punk blocks a Russian Leg Sweep from Dibiase with the ropes to get the GTS and the win.
Winners: Punk & Kngston

Package about Cena going to Survivor Series (they are gonna run the whole series? I hate that show!) as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: In Creepshow 2 the wooden Indian outside of the general store is hilariously named Chief Wood’nhead.

Back to the show where Lillian introduces our guest commentators, Roddy Piper, Goldust (My God he’s fat) and Honky Tonk Man who actually doesn’t look too bad. Santino and Beth are out next. Santino has to unleash the Honk-a-meter and I have to wonder why it’s so out of control that it needs a list. Santino says Goldust, Roddy and Honky are what happens when you do drugs while pregnant. Beth is then put on display until…she’s interrupted by her own music…..oh. My. God. Santino attacks Charlie Haas (The Glamahaas?) before the match and beats his ass to ringside, but disturbs the guest commentators. Goldust chases him into a shot from Honky’s guitar. I guess the match is cancelled.

Random Horror Thought: Michelle Williams from Dawson’s Creek was also in Halloween: H20

Back to the show. Batista is out to the ring for an interview with Cole about winning the title again. He does some random speech we don’t care about. We could replace it with the lyrics to any Rick Astley song and nobody would know the difference. Also, he says something about not being worried about a steel cage and we go back to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: 1408 is a haunted Stephen King apartment as well as the house number of the Nightmare on Elm Street house. 1408 of course adds up to 13.

Back to the show. Diva six-chick tag match. Kelly Kelly is out first, followed by Candice whom I am sure wishes she could at least pull Kelly’s reaction. That’s pretty sad. She was Marilyn Monroe at the costume contest and personally I would have had her go as Marilyn Manson instead. Jillian’s team all comes out to her music. Oh joy.

Candice Michelle & Kelly Kelly & Mickie James vs. Katie Lea & Layla & Jillian Hall

Candice and Jillian start off with Candice getting the upper hand after a rather nice leap frog into the corner to a hair drag. Double team from Candice and Mickie. Mickie James leaps all around with kicks and clotheslines for two when the heel divas break it up. Layla tags in and she’s the only person I’ve ever seen laugh and smile as they were kicked in the face. Katie Lea and Kelly Kelly are in now with a head scissors from Kelly. Kelly is thrown off in the corner with Katie trying to pick up the pin. Candice pulls Katie’s les out of the pin and all the other divas start brawling on the floor. Kelly lands her “K2” finisher for the win.
Winners: Kelly, Candice & Mickie

Elsewhere, JBL cuts a promo about Michaels costing him a business deal about him helping Jericho keep the title in order to get a title shot.

Random Horror Thought: In both The Ring and The Japanese version of The Grudge (Ju-On: The Grudge), pictures are warped to mark those who were cursed.

Back to the show. Rey Mysterio is going to take on Evan Bourne. First we get a video package of Kane losing last night’s No Holds Barred match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Evan Bourne

They both flip about like they have rubber in their legs before splitting back off again. A big chant for Evan starts up. Mysterio comes back with a wrap around head scissors out of a clothesline from Bourne. They both leap around before Mysterio is sent to the floor from an arm drag. Bourne tries a baseball slide but Mysterio dodges and they both slip back into the ring and stare down as we go back to commercial.

Random Horror Thought: Kevin Bacon’s character in Friday the 13th dies via an arrow being inserted through his throat. Awesome.

Back to the show. Bourne has Mysterio grounded but Mysterio counters a suplex into a toss to the floor and launches into a plancha to the floor. Back in the ring, Mysterio picks up a two count. I have to say this is one of the most interesting matches I’ve seen in quite some time. Bourne lands a tilt a whirl back breaker for two and a hard shot to the spine for another two. A surfboard stretch is locked on the females begin to chant for the 619. Mysterio leap frogs in the corner when he escapes and nails Bourne with a dropkick out of a springboard body splash attempt from Bourne. Rey flubs a a springboard off the ropes and Bourne picks up a two count. Rey comes back with a low dropkick for two of his own. Bourne runs into a kick in the corner and Mysterio lands another plancha to the head off the top. A huge enziguiri catches Rey as he runs back though.

Standing Moonsault from Bourn with huge air is amazing. Bourne up top now with Rey meeting him. Bourne kicks Rey off and goes into a top rope sunset flip. Rey rolls through and tosses Bourne to the rope for a 619. He ducks the leap over the rope and rolls into a pin but Mysterio rolls through to pick up the three.
Winner: Mysterio

As they shake hands Kane appears. Kane gets his ass handed to him by the double team maneuvers until Mark Henry arrives. Henry catches Bourne’s dive over the ropes and Mysterio is attacked by Kane from behind. Kane delivers a choke slam and Bourne takes the World’s Strongest Slam.

Random Horror Thought: The Halloween series was originally meant to have a separate story with every movie (thus why Halloween 3 has nothing to do with Michael Myers).

Back to the show with another video package about John Cena. It goes on a very long time. It disturbs me how much like Lex Luger he used to look. Off to ringside with Morrison and Miz. They tell us they are going to take on DX. They alliterations and analogies are so overused it makes my mind ache. They tell everyone to be jealous. Batista is seen getting ready in the back. Wrestling is the only place outside of gay porn where getting ready for a fight involves stripping down to a speedo, oiling yourself and jumping up and down in place.

Random Horror Thought: Its worth noting that not all Asian horror films are better in their original versions. Examples are Shutter and Pulse. A good Asian horror flick yet to be ported over here though is in my opinion Sick Nurses.

Back to the show. Jericho comes out for the match before we see footage from the back of JBL destroying Michaels in a hallway before he comes out to applause from Jericho.

World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs. JBL & Chris Jericho (Tag Team Handicap Match)

Batista starts off with Jericho who runs like a little girl to the tag. Batista runs JBL down with a clothesline and a suplex. Jericho makes the tag and they double team Batista, Jericho distracting the ref for some choking from JBL. Jericho attacks the injured bandaged knee. JBL is back in for a flury of rights in the corner, but Batista powers back and levels with a shoulder block. JBL rolls to the floor as Jericho is racked up on the ropes and sent flying to the floor as well.

Random Horror Thought: Horror movie rule- If the cop doesn’t die when he shows up he is in on it.

Back to the match with Jericho being countered by Batista out of a hold. Jericho stops a back body drop and Batista has to fight off both Jericho and JBL, eating a running enziguiri for two. JBL tags in and delivers some stomps and a neck breaker. An elbow drop leads to another predictable two count. Ass whipping and double teaming in the corner. Running dropkick from Jericho to the chest as he tags in. Jericho comes off the top into a clothesline from Batista and crawls to the tag. Batista pummels JBL only to walk into a sleeper. Batista counters with a side suplex. JBL makes the tag and is sent to the floor as Batista powers over them both. He tries for a Batista bomb on Jericho but Jericho slips out and counters to the Code Breaker for two.

JBL tags back in and levels Batista again, taunting for the Clothesline from Hell. He whiffs it and takes a spear. Jericho gets back to the apron as Michaels hobbles down the ramp. Jericho tries to come in and the ref has to push him back, missing the tag. The ref forces Michaels back as Jericho misses a belt shot on Batista. Jericho escapes Sweet Chin Music and JBL takes a spine buster into Batista Bomb for three.
Winner: Batista (sort of Shawn Michaels I guess)

Highlight of the Night: Evan Bourne and Mysterio take the cake by far. It was just a fun spotfest.

Lowlight of the Night: Bit of a lackluster main event. It came off feeling like complete filler.

WWE “Creative” Award: Could someone explain to me why I have to care about a Mark Henry/Evan Bourne feud?

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).