RAW
RANT ARCHIVE (October 2008)
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October 06, 2008
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October 27, 2008
Hmmm…is it Tuesday already? Yes, yes, everyone applaud
and cheer (or run for the hills…whatever tickles your fancy). I, Neil McGilloway,
am here to save you, the loyal audience, from going a Monday without a Raw Rant. According
to last week’s report, looks like Cameron is “recuperating
from a huge Super Smash Bros Brawl tournament in Houston where I fully plan on absolutely annihilating those bitches at the
game. I’m that fucking good. Believe it.” While I certainly hope he did well at the tourney, let’s face it, he probably got put up against
some cheap-ass using Captain Falcon and getting Falcon Punched into oblivion. At
least, that’s what I would’ve done because that’s all I know how to do in that game. SO! Looks like you’re stuck with me tonight. Quit whining, you bitch. Wow, I forgot that RAW had this shit
opening. Months of habitual lateness watching this show will do that to a guy. Coming LIVE from Seattle, we start off with Jericho coming out, and DAMN he looks
like an Alabama housewife here with that lip. I assume this was supposed to be
a receipt for popping Whisper at Summerslam, because the bruise is in the same exact spot.
Apparently Adamle is no-showing tonight, proving that THERE IS A GOD. THANK
YOU LORD. So, Jericho takes over for tonight, because he’s champ. Hey, works for me. Jericho gloats about
winning tonight, before showing off a real Canadian smile, showing off the busted tooth he got from last night’s match. Good luck winning Sexiest Manitoban this year, Chris.
Though, I have been hearing how apparently he’s getting similar to another Chris…Benoit. I don’t see it. He’s still got a few more missing
teeth and murdered family members to go. Jesus trolls, get your shit together. So, Jericho basically says he washes his hands of Michaels, when the OH SO FABOO Batista
comes out to rain on Jericho’s parade. How is this guy straight
again? Jericho essentially tells Batista to fuck off, before mentioning how he
is going to make the name Batista synonymous with failure. Oh, he’s already
there. He’s up in JBL territory of blowing title shots. Oops, I said something bad about him. Now he’ll go and
whine about not having a good push! Batista spinebusters Jericho as his answer. Dick. And yes, I am biased. What can I say, I don’t like Batista – he’s a metrosexual douche. Him chanting “I’m Number one” to himself as he walks up the ramp isn’t helping
his case. Commercial Thought (because you need
them every Monday): My drawn hero would be Edward Penishands. Doodle Spongebob wouldn’t stand a chance. During the break, Jericho uses his make-believe
executive powers to book Batista-JBL for the #1 Contendership. AGAIN. But this time Jericho’s the ref! So OBVIOUSLY it’ll
be better. Duh. Jamie Noble and Mickie James Vs. Santino
Marella and Beth Phoenix Regal and Layla are ringside for this
one. Layla with straight hair gives me a straight penis. There, I said it. Pre-match promo has Santino declaring his
love for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Ah, topical humor. Because it’s Santino, however, it’s gold. Scientifically
proven. Also, he leaves the shirt on the whole match. James and Phoenix start out, with Mickie
going off on Beth. Quick tag to Santino gets Jamie in, who proceeds to almost
get the Cross Arm Breaker in immediately, which has Beth run-in to break it up. Another
Beth distraction shortly after leads to a roll-up pin. Yep, that’s it. Winner:
Santino and Beth God, I didn’t even have time to
make any cheesy jokes! Post-match sees Noble try to give chase
to a running Santino, only to back body drop William Regal over the barricade when he tries a cheapshot. This drives Regal into a SEIZURE OF RAGE, leading to a FUCKING AWESOME pull-apart, where the ref is basically
holding Regal on the floor as he flops about hilariously like a fish out of water. Backstage, Tard Grisham interviews Shawn
Michaels, who apparently has a match with Lance Cade tonight. Basic intense promo
you’ve seen from him for the past few months (minus last week with HHH. What
the fuck was that?). Commercial Thought: I am really curious if they’re going to be able to pull of Max Payne being PG-13 and, you know, not
sucking ass. Kofi Kingston Vs. Ted Dibiase, Jr. Seeing how Kofi’s TitanTron has
every other Jamaican stereotype in it, I DEMAND a haze of pot-smoke obscuring the whole video.
It only makes sense. CM Punk comes out to even the odds, to the SHOCK
of Priceless. Despite how he’s been doing it every time they show up. Ted dominates from the start, landing
an impressive knee drop looking thing from the top rope to Kofi’s chest. A
short body scissors is fought out of, followed by Kingston hitting a few of the NEW BEST DROPKICK IN THE BUSINESS. Next he’ll be beating up rookies backstage, before taking them to Wrestler’s Court. Kofi hits some more flip-floppy offense, and when Kingston goes for his finisher, Cody is up for the distraction. CM puts a stop to that shit, only for Kofi to walk right into A Million-Dollar Legsweep
for the loss. Winner:
Ted Dibiase, Jr. Heels have a hearty laugh as they go
up the ramp. Commercials. Commercial Thought: The ATV Riders in Pure look like they’re 1500 feet in the air.
Pretty sure ATV suspension and, umm, the human skeletal structure isn’t built for that kind of landing. Shameless self-promotion…Raw was
the most watched cable show last Monday. That’s so vague I don’t
even know where to start. Backstage, Jericho is having chitchat
with Orton, planning to “put him to work tonight.” INTRIGUE! This
transitions into a hype video for John Cena, and his injury and crap. Batista
proves to be a dick, AGAIN by saying “It was amazing how he kicked out even with that neck damage. He still lost, though. HAR HAR HAR GIVE ME MORE TITLE SHOTS.” Fag. Mark Henry, Tony Atlas, and Kane
are walking backstage, only to be greeted by Dolph Ziggler. I can’t wait
for him to do that to Johnny Ace, only to be handed a pink slip. They better
videotape that. More commercials please! Commercial Thought: Pretty sure I don’t want a Blu-Ray that features a massive close-up of Adam Sandler’s
unit in my house… Rey Mysterio and Matt Hardy Vs. Mark
Henry and Kane Hey!
Rey-Rey decided to quit it with that “birdman” crap on his entrance.
All it took was Kane basically playing “batter-up” with him last night.
Hardy’s still showing off his Hulkster-level orange glow, in case you wanted to know. Also, either my sound is off, or the only guy who got any kind of reaction from the crowd was Mysterio. On second thought, my sound’s just fine. Rey and Kane start, with Rey flailing
FURIOUSLY, and then tagging to Hardy. Kane gets the temporary advantage, and
tags to Henry. Henry misses a corner avalanche on Hardy, with the turnbuckle
having an EXPLOSION of sweat. Tag to Rey, Poetry in Motion, which gets transferred
to Hardy clipping Henry’s knee, commercials. Commercial Thought: Know what’s NOT happening? Me seeing a movie where plants
get REVENGE. God, that was bad, even for me. Back from break, where Henry and Kane
are taking turns going to town on Hardy. Hot tag to Rey, who hits some kicks
for two, only to be tossed like a javelin to the outside. It’s funny because
he’s tiny. Kane’s in now, with the requisite slow-mo beatdown on
Mysterio. Henry tags in to…pretty much just stand on Rey for a little while,
before tagging back out to Kane. Have to hand it to the guy; he certainly is
efficient when he works in tag matches. Tag in, do a move, tag out. Kane goes for the sort-of top rope clothesline, only to miss and get headscissored into the turnbuckle. Hot tag to Matt Hardy now, who runs wild on Kane.
When Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, Henry SLOWLY moves in Hardy’s general direction, only to be low-bridged
out. Kane gets set up for the 619, and Rey connects, but when Hardy tries going
to the top rope, Henry tosses Rey into him from the floor basically, leading to Matt stumbling into the Chokeslam for another
win for the heels. Winner:
Mark Henry and Kane Decent match. Kane AND Henry certainly made one side a bit…lacking in the speed department. Kane and Rey stare for just a few seconds too long after the match.
Something going on behind the scenes? Something…sexual? My God, I hope so. Commercial Thought: Sorry, had to take a piss. And yes, you’re a better
person for knowing. Replay of Pete Rose taking a FUCKING
ROUGH Tombstone from Kane back in 1998. Let’s just say they’ve slowed
down the dropping speed since then. Shawn Michaels Vs. Lance Cade, No Disqualification Guess it’s time for Shawn to get
his pin back! The fight goes to the outside almost
immediately, as Cade pounds on HBK while screaming “I HATE YOU!” Hayden
Christensen has nothing on this guy. Cade then quickly puts Shawn through a table
with his finisher (I assume it’s the blue thunder bomb?), which you’d think would have ended the match. You’d think wrong though, of course, as when Cade rolls HBK back in the ring, he tackles Cade, steals
the chair he brought into the ring, and wallops Cade about 50 bazillion times (It’s a real number, I swear) before pinning
him. Winner:
Shawn Michaels After the bell, Shawn has a moment with
himself, before going right back to whacking Cade for another minute straight. I
laughed at how long it was going on, honestly. Shawn then leaves with his super
serial face (which to me looks like he just smelled an extremely rancid fart). Commercial Thought. Why do these Truth commercials have to be videotaped? If they
weren’t, someone on the streets of New York would’ve beat the ever-loving shit out of them by now. ANOTHER shameless plug, this time with
Smackdown and its shitty new opening theme. Oh, and apparently the Main Event
for Friday is HHH and Big Show for the title. That’s some fine-ass planning
there, WWE. King is in the ring now, to hype up the
first announced match for Cyber Sunday (Now being done by texts so you can blow copious amounts of cash for no reason!). Santino Marella Vs. either Roddy Piper, GOLDUST?! And THE HONKY TONK MAN. Given how choices 2 and 3 have been not on the best terms with the E, it’s somewhat surprising. Great Khali comes out to interrupt Lillian,
and hype his interview with Johnny Knoxville from Jackassworld.com. Johnny makes
dick jokes, Khali does NOT approve, and staged drama soon follows. Khali then
invites Knoxville to Raw next week. Never have I seen anything so gripping since
the days of Sasso Vs. Hart. Khali then hosts the KISS CAM, which is hilarious
as it climaxes with Lillian getting another hulking minority in the Great Khali. He’s
a pimp. Don’t believe me? Look
up pictures of him on the ‘net. Ugly as hell, but he gets the ladies. Commerical Thought: My footlong will only cost you $1. I’m a bargain! Kelly Kelly Vs. Jillian Hall Jillian comes out to croon some “Smells
Like Teen Spirit,” Probably leading to a few more people eating shotgun shells for dinner tonight. Also, Miz and Morrison and Cryme Tyme come out to bitch at each other the whole match, instead of, say,
doing commentary on the match. Also also, Morrison has glitter on his abs. Jillian is actually dominating the whole
match, with various stretches designed to show off her freakish cleavage. How
nice. This actually goes on for a long, long time. Like more than 10 minutes long, which considering it’s a typical WWE Divas match. Kelly just gets in a victory roll for the win. That’s
it. Winner:
Kelly Kelly The match was pretty average, but the
two teams going at it on commentary was HILARIOUS. Shame it was so fast paced
that I couldn’t transcribe it. Think your average “yo mama”
bitch fight in 5th grade and you get the idea. Youtube it. Commercial Thought: Apparently the government is out to do experiments on you and mysteriously exterminate you too? They really should put that issue in the next debate. MORE John Cena Hype please! This time, it’s the entire WWE roster saying how Cena’s a freak of nature. A Superman, if you will. JBL Vs. Batista, #1 Contender’s
Match for the World Heavyweight Championship Apparently Batista is in John’s
old “defying the odds” spot, with Jericho as the ref, William Regal (who’s thankfully calmed the fuck down
from earlier) as the timekeeper, and Randy Orton on guest commentary. Commercials! Commercial Thought: Good job, you fixed an old, beat-up piece of shit car. Now
enjoy being completely poor from blowing at least $100 a week on gas when that thing gets 5 MPG. Back from break, Batista finally comes
out, and actually hits the mark on his pyro perfectly! For once! In about the past 3 years! Slow going from the start, as Batista
dominates on JBL, only to get slow counts from Jericho. Batista hit’s karate
chops and chop blocks to JBL’s legs, followed by a pretty awful figure four. This,
of course, gets Ric Flair’s name-dropped. I wonder if that’s legal
now? After Jericho forces the break, JBL sneaks a neck breaker, and other assorted
hossiness. Batista goes to town a little more, only to get no-sold on the count
some more, and thrown to the outside. Jericho leads JBL away, only for Regal
to have another RAGE SEIZURE (hey, withdrawl has some serious side-effects) on Batista.
Rolling back in the ring, Jericho goes for a fast count, but no dice. JBL
gets a sleeper on now, and of COURSE, because wrestlers are dumb, Jericho doesn’t immediately call for the bell. Jericho then trips up Batista as he goes for a corner charge, which leads to shenanigans,
which gets Jericho speared. Adamle AMAZINGLY returns to send a new ref out there;
Batista dodges a Clothesline From Hell, and lands a spinebuster and Batista Bomb for the win. Winner:
Batista Bomb Adamle gets on the stick after the bell,
and announces that for Cyber Sunday, Batista and Jericho will get a special guest ref themselves. Who will it be? Randy Orton?
Shawn Michaels? Obligatory Stone Cold Steve Austin appearance? TEXT MOTHERFUCKER! THE END. Highlight: The top of the hour matches (Rey/Hardy Vs. Kane/Henry, Main Event) were both good, but I’m going
with Miz and Morrison going tit-for-tat with Cryme Tyme. What can I say, I laughed,
and laughed hard. Lowlight:
More 3-minute matches please! WWE “Creative” Award: John Batista in the house! Welcome to
the last three years, repeating over and over. Hope you had fun reading. I’m Neil McGilloway, and that was your very special Raw Report.
See you tomorrow. Maybe. Sean
could pawn my job off for one night if he likes. Otherwise, it’s the WEEK
OF NEIL. Live with it.
WWE RAW RANT: (10/13/08) By Cameron Burge
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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