RAW RANT ARCHIVE (October 2007)
On that note, let’s move on to something I didn’t talk about last week. “Save Us 222” has been showing up starting last week after Raw, and I happened to miss it thanks to the fact that after Raw goes off the air, I tend to immediately turn off the television and purge the offenses from my eyes with the nearest bucket of battery acid. But my sources have found that in fact, the individual or individuals hinted to in the video are NOT Chris Jericho OR the new Hart Foundation.
True fact: Corsola cuts killer promos. They’re super effective.
I’ve never noticed how many people in the beginning video aren’t wrestling right now. After theme we go to ringside for pimping of Cena vs. Kennedy but three random assholes are in the ring. King says two of them are the Tank brothers, German and Septic. One of them is THE FATTEST WHITE WRESTLER EVER. Vince comes out while these three guys stand here and Vince ignores them while he cuts a promo about his match with Hunter. Apparently these guys are invisible to anyone not watching this on TV. Vince guarantees victory and runs footage of all the times he’s whipped Trips’ ass. Vince finally addresses the three chumps in the ring saying each is a different fighting style. The short one is a four time amateur wrestling champion. The man in the Blue is replaced by a TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES screen which probably wrestles better than him, but supposedly he’s a chubby karate champion. The fat-ass is the Ohio State Sumo champ. Now we are going to have a demonstration of exactly what Vince is going to do tonight in wherever the hell we are (I’ve forgotten too). Vinnie takes the jacket and tie off and the shit is on! Vince says he won’t demonstrate though, someone will demonstrate it for him since they are going to do it this Sunday now that he’s not on “teh roidz” anymore.
Umaga climbs into the ring and starts throwing them around as even JR can’t remember which is supposed to be which. Umaga puts two of them in corner and performs dual ass crashes for your entertainment. Vince is meanwhile doing some kind of weird hand signs. The sumo wrestler lies around for a while and has to be dragged up for Umaga “Xbox360 Thumb Shock.” Vince says Umaga’s name again, you know, just in case you were too busy getting a sandwich instead of bothering to watch this. Umaga then Samoan drops one of the guys for the hell of it. Wouldn’t want him to surprise us with any of his moves later. Not at all.
Random Commercial Thought: Saw IV….come see it…because it’s Saw IV.
Back to the show where Jeff Hardy is here with Londrick for six man tag action. There ever so surprising [/sarcasm] opponents are Shelton and the tag champs.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Londrick vs. Shelton Benjamin & World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch
Cade starts off with London who hits an inverted atomic drop and head scissors for two. Kendrick tags in. Cade forces him to the corner and tags in Shelton who pounds on Kendrick and bench presses him into a knee to the gut. Cade tags back in and hit’s a shot to the kidneys. Murdoch tags in, continuing the assault, but Kendrick finally rallies back and tags in Hardy. Hardy cleans out the ring and hit’s the low leg drop on Cade with a dropkick to the jaw following. Hardy Whispers in the Wind which is apparently not that whispered because I’m pretty sure a boot to the face is easy to hear. Hardy goes up top, but Shelton racks him up top. London leaps over the ropes onto Shelton and Kendrick takes down Murdoch. Kendrick comes back in for Sliced Bread 2 (with butter) on Cade and Hardy finishes with the Swanton for the three.
Winners: Hardy & Londrick
Regal is back tonight as well, Holy shit it’s like everyone miraculously healed themselves. I wonder why that coincidence came about. Hmm…..Vince congratulates him on his match making skills and eventually asks Regal to look after Hornswaggle for him tonight. Regal proves the British really do have the worst parenting skills ever (haven’t you ever seen the remake of the Parent Trap?) and manages to lose the leprechaun in approximately thirty seconds. Should have put him on a leash like my parents did me…..last week….help.
We’ll be hearing from Orton NEXT! WHOOO!….yeah I’m over it.
Random Commercial Thought: *drools on keyboard*
Back to the show where we hear from Orton live via satellite and not at all from the back room. Not. At. All. And I get me a sammich! I come back to find he’s running footage of head kicks again or some crap. He then blah blahs for a while, basically the same promo we heard last week. He must have picked up the wrong script. We follow this amazingly riveting footage with Diva Search footage and me and Gershon agree this is more like fucking Double Dare. I liked the theme song to that show. Finally, The Highlanders confront Regal and you can tell they are evil now because They have DARKER KILTS! Why haven’t they tried to chop each other’s heads off yet? I thought there could be only one. They demand a title shot from Regal as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: I fucking hate it when the cheese stretches like the fucking elastic on a fat bitch’s pants.
Back to the show. Cody Rhodes (who has lights now! Take him seriously please!). He’s taken a page from Maven’s book and challenged Holly to a rematch tonight because that will totally work out.
Cody Rhodes vs. Hardcore Holly
Cody goes for a headlock (take a shot) and Holly shoulder blocks him down. Rhodes goes into arm drags to get a one count. Rhodes wrenches the arm and Hardy escapes into a dropkick for two. Holly forces him to the corner and starts chopping into his chest. Cody fights out with right but backslides for one though the ref counts two anyway. Holly gets caught in an inside cradle for two. Holly nails Cody hard and lifts him up, but Cody escapes and rolls him up for two. Cody tries to leap over Holly in the corner, but Holly catches him into the Alabama Slam for three because it’s DEVESTATING….in a generic move kind of way. Winner: Cody
That match was almost as generic as these two’s theme musics.
Random Commercial Thought: That’s a lot of days of night. Where are they? Antarctica?
Back to the show. Beth Phoenix is here to continue to try out her Halloween costumes by this time imitating Mortal Kombat’s Syndel. She has something to say to everyone and Lillian saying Glamazon means she’s as beautiful as dangerous. She wants to be announced as the new champion right now. Lillian does so and then says that is assuming she can actually beat Candice Michelle and tries to leave. OH Snap! It’s on like a light switch, bitch! Beth wonders how easy it will be to promote her album with a crushed throat and tries to choke her out when Candice comes out in OMG JEANS! Candice is going to be Jessica Simpson for Halloween. Candice runs her off.
Random Commercial Thought: Half-Life 2 - because some of you didn’t get to buy Halo.
Back to the show. A Savoir video runs to send several Japanese children into epileptic seizures as we go to ringside with Vince coming to the ring for his match. Trips comes wandering out to his Mix of Motorhead, he might as well ass every other song they ever made. They’re all the same one. Vince finally makes him stop all the showboating bullshit before calling for a ref…and it turns out to be Carlito. The crowd actually gets more fired up for this than they’ve been all night while Carlito checks them both, keeping them apart after Vince gets in a cheap shot.
Triple H vs. Vince McMahon (Special Referee: Carlito Caribbean Cool)
Trips goes after Vince, but he goes for sanctuary like the Hunchback of Notre Dame in the corner so Carlito fends off Trips. Vince drops to the floor and Carlito starts a ten count. Carlito has to keep Trips away, but Hunter goes outside a different rope. Vince darts through the ring and back out the other side to start us over. Ten count yet again. Trips and Vince finally end up against each other on the outside and Hunter slams him into the announce table. Carlito gets shoved on his ass for disagreeing and Hunter rolls Vince into the ring for a Pedigree but Carlito nails him with an Apple Jack (part of this balanced breakfast) yet it only gets two. McMahon begins to choke Hunter out in the corner, but Hunter low blows and levels Carlito. Trips mounts up and starts pounding on Vince for the DQ.
Umaga comes out and begins to crush Triple H when he tries to take his frustration out on Vince. Carlito runs away as Trips goes to get Sledgy. Umaga is pulls back by Vince as we don’t get to see the rematch of the century. Thumb vs. Sledgy 07!
Random Commercial Thought: Damnit Gershon. We can neer have ENOUGH Species movies. Obviously.
Back to the show where we have Morella at the Movies with Maria (alliteration for the win!). Maria says she liked the movie and thought it was fun. Morella says it was fun if you like smashing your brains in with a meat mallet. I want to know how your brains got out in the first place. He says you need a true star for this movie…the sun. Oh wait, that’s Mark Henry (not to be confused with Blackhole Sun). Morella runs a reworked version of the Condemned’s ending for himself. Morella gets interrupted by Val Venis and I got to wonder if Morella just has the ability to get interrupted by useless midcarders (fun fact my autocorrect changed that to discarders). Val asked Maria to star in a sequel to Mr. Woodcock or in Morella’s movie about love making Superbad. Morella than attacks and starts working over Val’s leg.
Elsewhere, John Cena is in the back to talk about how people say Orton already beat him. They read the spoilers! Internets are always right! Cena declares he will beat Orton so bad no one will ever forget it…or remember it….or care.
Random Commercial Thought: 1408 adds up to 13...or 12 if you went to public school.
Back to the show where Melina is coming to the ring. JR has really been on King’s case lately for the ass watching. How old is king? 80? I didn’t know Melina was a girl scout. They replay Melina being chased by Hornswaggle last week.
Mickie James vs. Melina
Mickie has the early advantage with a knee to the gut and a hair toss. Melina eventually hit’s a gut buster for two and drags Mickie by her hair. Melina gets slammed to the canvas but she kicks Mickie off only to get tossed to the corner. Melina and Mickie start wailing on each other with forearms, cleanly shaven! Mickie tackles Melina and goes for her kick, but Melina catches it only to take an enziguiri. Melina head scissors Mickie while holding the ropes and kicks her in the face for two. Melina screams while having Mickie setup for a reverse DDT, but Hornswaggle pops up from beneath the rig to distract allowing a rollup. Winner: Mickie
Melina decides since the Undertaker isn’t here for her to try and Tombstone him, she should run under the ring after Hornswaggle. Hornswaggle emerges eventually with Melina’s top and goes back under, coming out with her pants. Melina covers herself with the ring apron and begs Horny to return with her clothing as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Look out! We put Meatballs on a fucking sandwich!”
Back to the show where Hornswaggle is going over the clothing he acquired (I don’t think they will fit) when Regal comes in to berate him for it. They run down the No Mercy card and only the Cena/Orton match even gets a tiny cheer. Elsewhere in the back, Ron Simmons is met by Dr. Steve-O who says he’s bad ass but he could be tougher and make him more manly. He asks if he’s interested and Ron through him through a door to the hallway before uttering words of wisdom. Apparently he doesn’t appreciate subtle advertisement.
To ringside, for John Cena….and now commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: E-surance! They’ll save you from giant squid monsters.
Back to the show where Mr. Kennedy is back. JR trash talks Kennedy the whole way up the aisle even though the poor guy hasn’t even said a thing yet! Kennedy says he really doesn’t like Cena and says taking him out is the best way to make a statement before introducing himself. Cena gets a huge pop…for removing his shit. Damn we have a lot of girls tonight.
Mr. Kennedy vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)
Kennedy puts Cena in a headlock (take a shot) and levels him with a shoulder block. Cena leap frogs over Kennedy and goes into doubles arm drags into a wrench. Cena forces Kennedy to the corner when he gets to his feet and has to break. The tie up again and Kennedy kicks lower, leveling with a shot to the back of the head and stomping Cena down. Kennedy chokes Cena out on the floor. Cena counters an Irish whip and comes out of the corner with a heavy bulldog. Kennedy rakes the eyes and a Girls vs. Guys chant begins with Kennedy vs. Cena. Kennedy slams Cena into the PERFECTLY LEGAL steel steps as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Every emo band needs glow in the dark red crap.
Back to the match. Kennedy is getting two off of a DDT (if he were Jake the snake he’s have won…and be drunk). Kennedy decides to follow such a devastating maneuver with a headlock (take a shot). Cena escapes with a back body drop and suddenly locks Kennedy into the STFU…and he taps?! WTF?! I have to take JR’s word for it this happened since I went got a soda during the headlock.
After the match Orton teleports in via satellite and attacks Cena from behind, sending him to the floor and hitting him with the steel steps. Orton deconstructs the announce tables because it hurts less if you put them through it without the monitors. He clocks Cena with a monitor and tosses him onto the table for an RKO. Orton then counts to Ten on him. School House Rock worked for him. Next week on Raw: Orton Junction, what’s your function? Shootin’ up roids and shittin’ in gym bags! After the show…Ron Simmons SPEAKS to Steve-O and throws him out again. What the fuck?!
Highlight of the Night: It wasn’t part of the show but Steve-O sings his own theme song. It’s probably better than this.
Lowlight of the Night: Simmons breaks his silence in the lamest way ever.
WWE “Creative” Award: Kennedy comes back to job out clean to Cena THAT easy.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.
Show opens with Vince talking about history being made and how Trips won and lost the title. This takes like, forever and a day. I’m pretty sure I cared less and less as it went on. Vince demands that every superstar on the roster come out here to shake Randy Orton’s hand. Vince goes on to pimp Cyber Sunday, the one day of the year everyone sets aside to have fake sex with an Old Chinese Man pretending to be a high school aged girl on the internet. Triple H’s theme interrupts. Trips tells Vince to shut the hell up and demands his rematch clause to be enforced. Vince says okay but halfway on his way out declares it to be a handicap match with Umaga as well because Umaga doesn’t have anyone else to wrestle at the moment without going face again. King pimps Cena giving us a live interview as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Saw 4 just looks worse and worse….I’ll go see it.
Beth Phoenix who keeps the tradition of Women’s Champions having gay ass theme songs, arrives as we come back for a six-diva tag match. Melina and Jillian will be backing her up as the Face divas arrive in color coordinating pink.
Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Melina & Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James & Candice Michelle & Maria
Some idiot decides Maria should start. Maria head scissors Melina and tags in Mickie who comes off the ropes on Melina’s arm. Mickie dropkicks her, but gets tossed out of the corner. Melina climbs up top only to be tripped. Beth shoves Mickie down, hanging her up on the ropes and Melina starts grabbing her by the hair and pounding away while the ref doesn’t seem to give a shit whatsoever. Must have hated the techno music. Phoenix tags in and clubs Mickie down, tagging out to Jillian who continues to work the leg now. Melina back in, tossing Mickie by the hair for two. Mickie escapes a leg hold, but Melina catches her in another after dodging an exiguities. Mickie finally escapes as the heels trade out, tagging in Candice. Candice cleans house and Northern lights on Jillian for two when Beth breaks it up. Mickie leaps at her and takes Phoenix to the floor. Mickie leaps off at Beth only to get caught and then tossed to the floor. Meanwhile, Candice counters an electric chair drop from Jillian into a victory roll for three after almost falling off accidentally which would have been hilarious.
Winners: The Pink chicks
Random Commercial Thought: 28 Weeks Later - “It’s a red alert! Didn’t you see the guy at the end of the hallways turning the lights on and off?”
Back to the show where Coach is asking Regal about the redecorating of his office…which you know moves every week so how does that even make any sense? Is it on fucking wheels? Coach is now forced to walk with a “distinguished” cane. Coach asks about the photos which happen to all be of Queens (Elton John, not the band). Vince arrives to ask about Hornswoggle which Regal says is sleeping. Regal then assigns the job to Coach and tells him he’s napping in the closet…but he’s nowhere to be found! Regal then accuses Coach of losing him already. Somebody should really call SRS. We get a Cyber Sunday video package because WWE NEEDS YOUR MONEY NOW DAMNIT.
Random Commercial Thought: Okay, what the fuck. Wrong Turn 2? Is there no justice in this world?
Back to the show. Santino Morella is out here to get retribution over his greatest foe yet (no, not King Koopa), the man who COULD have been WWE Champion, Val Venis. When Val arrives in the ring, Morella goes to ringside to put his arm around Lillian’s shoulders and take her microphone. He introduces her to the crowd and says he hears Lillian’s band is performing tonight (she has a band?). He then tells Val he has a previous engagement and forgot he had to fight him tonight but Regal chose a substitute for him. The Piranha Man Snitsky. Actually Snitsky matches are kind of like the movie Piranha too. Just downright painful to watch and leaves you feeling embarrassed for everyone involved.
Snitsky vs. Val Venis
Snitsky kicks at the bad knee as the crowd slips into a state of utter apathy. Snitsky works the legs over on the ring apron, hooking it over a ring rope to kick it. Val tries to fight back with rights and chops and runs right into a foot. Which, how could you not see that foot coming? It’s fucking huge for crying out loud. Snitsky doubles underhooks and slings Venis around before crushing him with a clothesline. The Coat Hanger finishes things up.
They do a pimp for Evander Hollyfield challenging for the WBO World Heavyweight Title. In case you’ve forgotten who he is, Evander Hollyfield is the guy with edible ears. More pimping of Cena. So much so, I’m beginning to think he’s a hooker.
Random Commercial Thought: Another Corsola commercial.
Back to the show where Cena is interviewed by the announce team talking about Orton’s big head (that’s not all that’s big! Zing!) He goes on to say he might be out for up to a year and we follow up with Orton himself. God, I didn’t know it was possible for him to look even more like a fag now that he has the belt on his shoulder, but it’s true.
Random Commercial Thought: All I can think of when I see the sheep in Evan Almighty is Dirty Deeds Done with Sheep.
Back to the show where Orton milks his limelight for all it’s worth and is soon joined by Umaga. Trips seems have run low on water pressure, his mist is really more akin to that little retard dribble you sometimes get. It’s randomly revealed during his entrance that it’s not really a tag team handicap at all but a full two on one.
Triple H vs. Umaga & WWE Champion Randy Orton (Handicap Match)
Trips counters a whip by Umaga and kicks him in the face, then throws Orton into Umaga sending him to the floor. Trips nails a DDT on Orton, but Umaga grabs him by the foot and drags him to the floor. Umaga slings Trips into the security wall, beating on him for a bit while the crowd rallies big for Hunter. Orton stomps on Trips when he’s rolled back inside, going to a mount position to punch some more. Man I’m so glad these guys have such varied move sets. I wouldn’t want to miss out on a clinic like this. Not at all. Trips is busted open while Orton holds him for a running head butt drop from Umaga. More punches from Orton. Yawn. Umaga lands a Samoan Drop and Orton holds Trips while Umaga climbs up top, but Hunter kicks him into Umaga to knock him down. Triple H rallies and hit’s a face buster, following with the pedigree but Umaga hits him from behind. Trips pulls the ropes down and causes Umaga to charge to the floor, leveling Orton with a spine buster. Trips goes for another Pedigree but Umaga bashes him with a chair from behind. Winner: Triple H
Post match beat down ensues with a punctuating RKO. JR asks us why we had to see an RKO after everything else and I’d say that’s because Randy doesn’t get paid unless he does one move not a headlock or a punch or a kick in the night. Orton wanders off and Umaga sets Triple H in the corner, nailing the Ass Crash twice. With Triple H’s nose, that’s probably akin to anal penetration for Umaga. Umaga does a flying splash from the top as You Suck chants begin. Trips rolls around in pain for an uncomfortably long time.
Random Commercial Thought: I was wondering why I don’t see any of those “Diabeetus” commercials anymore.
Back to the show where Trips STILL hasn’t left ringside as he’s carried to the back. Vince meets them in the back to say Triple H will have to be the first to shake Orton’s hand later tonight. Elsewhere, Londrick are here to finally not be jobbed out to one guy. They’ll be facing the EEEEEVILLL Highlanders.
The Highlanders vs. Londrick
Powered by his Dark Side kilt, Rory and London start out. Kendrick tags in and both Highlanders are sent to the floor. Londrick leap over the ropes in suicide dives and toss Rory back in. London continues an assault on Rory, but a cheap shot from Robbie catch him off guard, allowing Rory to snag a quick blow. Robbie tags in and starts hammering London to the mat for two. Rory and Robbie double team, but Kendrick tags in and takes Robbie down with kicks and a heavy dropkick for two. London dumps Rory to the floor and moonsaults onto him. Kendrick tries a stinger splash but eats forearm into a roll up with the ropes.
Diva bit. Coach asks some random asshole if he saw Hornswoggle. He then asks Cody who leads him on only to reveal he hasn’t seen the Rugrats mascot. Regal accosts him and tells him to try harder, even his hair looks pissed off as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You know, if I didn’t know better, from what I always see of it in commercials, having never watched a full basketball game, I’d almost be inclined to think they are played entirely in slow motion.
Back to the show. Lillian sings with her band of random white guys in Spanish. What the fuck is with the guy with the tiny pink Mohawk? He looks like he was ripped from Cromartie High School. Santino follows the act to come out and compliment her before saying he has his own song to say. OMFG it’s so horrible. At least they put subtitles for what he’s saying. Mostly it’s a parody song of “I say, No No No” bashing Stone Cold. We see Jeff and the man who killed the odds, Kennedy on their way to the ring.
Random Commercial Thought: Law and Order for president.
Kennedy is in the ring to tell us he won’t be giving us a bunch of lip service (because he isn’t Lita?). He introduces himself as soon Jeff Hardy arrives with a lot less glow paint and rainbows than usual.
Mr. Kennedy vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Non-title Match)
Kennedy goes to an Orton lock and Jeff reverses into a waist lock. Kennedy break it and hit’s a shoulder block, but Hardy counters with one of his own. Jeff misses a leg drop and hits an inverted atomic drop and the low leg drop for two. Kennedy lands a Northern Lights which King renames “this move” but Hardy kicks out at two. Kennedy gets pissed and bitchslaps the ho which causes Jeff to tackle him to the floor. Kennedy works Jeff in the abs as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: The Comebacks looks to the single shittiest movie….of this week.
Back to the match where Jeff is in a half Boston crab. He kicks his way out but Kennedy slings him to the corner, only to run into a clothesline. Hardy climbs up top and gets dropkicked off, hurting his knee and scoring two for Kennedy. Back to the half Boston crab. Why does the crab have to be from Boston? What’s wrong with a Detroit crab? Or a Tulsa crab? Or Hooker Crabs? Jeff makes the ropes and Kennedy places the leg on the rope to begin sitting on it as the crowd rallies big for Hardy. Hardy manages to kick out after a chop block at two. Kennedy tries a backslide with the ropes for leverage but only gets two. Jeff hits Russian leg sweep and sits on Kennedy’s legs for two of his own. Hardy tries the Twist of Fat, but Kennedy counters. Hardy counters the counter into a brain buster before going up top and missing entirely. Kennedy pins for two when Jeff rolls him up for three.
After the match, Regal is talking to Vince, telling him the little bastard is still asleep when Coach comes in and says he “couldn’t find him”. Vince begins the Spanish Inquisition (NOOOOOOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!) on Regal and Coach when Hornswoggle suddenly wakes up out of a trunk. Vince leaves after informing them his son needs to be there for the hand shaking, and Regal leaves Coach in charge. Coach proceeds to get beaten down with his own cane.
Random Commercial Thought: I was distracted by boobs. Seriously.
Back to the show where Vince is in the ring. You ever wonder why they bring along all this red carpeting to cover the ring with? Vince introduces Orton who stands on a pedastal and Orton cuts a promo about how great he is, demanding Triple H now come down to shake his hand. Vince orders Hunter out or else Orton will go get him. Orton finally takes his suit jacket off and goes down the ramp….only to be met by HBK’s music and someone who strangely looks like Chuck Norris crossed with a Chippendale’s dancer. Orton backs down the aisle slowly until Michaels tackles him in the ring and Sweet Chin Musics Orton much to the crowd’s delight.
Highlight of the Night: Shawn Michaels returns to try and save the main event scene. God I hope so.
Lowlight of the Night: Evil Highlanders. There can be only one….heel tag team!
WWE “Creative” Award: Do I really need more of this Hornswoggle “hilarity”? Also I’d like to note that with the “entire” Raw roster on the ramp, it wasn’t even full.
Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the
"Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not
to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all
RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day
to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw
Reports or die.
And I am back. Tonight! WWE tries to salvage the main event by bringing Shawn Michaels out of the grave to make Randy Orton tolerable. For some reason, Shawn seems to be borrowing Chuck Norris’ wardrobe (There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris is in the United States), all the brightly colored chaps must have been on loan to Chippendales (not the Rescue Rangers). On another note it seems Las Vegas has banned Ken Kennedy from gambling in there casinos. When asked for a statement the Las Vegas city council replied with, “He put both Cena and Lashley on the shelf. Even we won’t play them odds.” Speaking of odds, some of you may be wondering what the hell this is you’ve stumbled into after hitting the “I’m Feeling Lucky” function in Google for Raw Rants.
Bet you don’t feel lucky anymore, bitch.
Show opens with a recap of the celebration ceremony from last week. For some reason, in the WWE the past always happened with a red over-tint. Orton claimed he would be champ for a long time. And by long he meant longer than a few minutes this time. We then go to Regal saluting a photo of Skeletor…or fuck that’s the QUEEN OF ENGLAND. Orton comes along to bitch and whine like a little emo kid. Who does he think he is? CM Punk? Regal basically tells him to piss off because he has a decision and announcement to make and every thing Regal says gets a pop. Damn you England.
Theme and pyro! Little late aren’t we?
Regal comes out as we see the Titantron looks more like the Britaintron tonight. The crowd is hot as Regal conducts their cheers up down. He says our WWE champion likes to do things in threes and that’s exactly what he will get, facing each of his three opponents for Cyber Sunday in a one on one match. Kennedy, Hardy and Shawn Michaels. Oh My God I wonder who’ll they pick?!….wait…THREE ORTONLOCK MATCHES? Fuck. Hardy is apparently up first and Orton follows who takes his damn time getting to the ring. I think the drinking game might drawn us all tonight.
WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy (Non-title Match)
Orton locks up and gets hip tossed. He forces Hardy to the corner, taking a cheap shot with rights. He misses a charging clothesline and Hardy starts arm dragging into a light armlock. Orton forces out and he’s actually trying to do a fast paced match her, but he just looks damned awkward doing it. Hardy clotheslines him over the ropes and dropkicks through the ropes before flying like Superman (if he was a rainbow) as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Steve-O got his degree from the same school as Dr. Phil.
Back to the show where Hardy is in an Orton Lock (take a shot). Orton lands a power slam for two and starts stomping on Hardy, hitting a knee drop for two. Orton back to the headlock which is TOTTALLY a legitimate transition move (take a shot). Hardy hits his “wrap around clothesline” and starts going for flying forearms for a one count that JR calls a near fall. Whisper in the Wing gets two. Somebody seems to hae turned up the microphone on the ring as everything sounds insanely loud. Slingshot dropkick to the sternum hits and Hardy goes up top but Kennedy comes out of nowhere to push Hardy down. Orton picks off an RKO for the win.
King reminds us to vote for Cyber Sunday between two guys and Michaels! Also, don’t forget the KID is back, because Shawn Michaels is totally still eight years old and he’s going to bug you all night while you try to play Halo.
Random Commercial Thought: Oh snap Smackdown coming to Wichita in November. How great that for Thanksgiving they give us a big turkey.
Back to the show where Santino arrives with Maria looking like she’s trying out for the fucking Rocky Horror Picture Show. He rants about The Condemned and al Venis interrupts.
Val Venis vs. Santino Morella w/ Maria
Venis opens up on Santino and is it just me or has Val gotten chubby and paler than freaking Ghost? Val catches Santino with an elbow and they fall to the mat in some kind of orgy of limbs. Santino stars to work the knee and leg with a half Boston crab (the other half of the city burned down?). Val makes the ropes and starts to work Santino over, hitting a weak assed knee and some chops. Santino blocks a Full Nelson, but a sunset flip in the corner seems to have it sewn up. Santino rolls through and grabs the ropes for the win. Winner: Morella
Maria (as whorish as she now looks) celebrates with Santino. Speaking of whores. Diva Search bathroom break. We then see Carlito and Coach talking about the tiny apple. He says everything here must be small, like Hornswoggle. He asks how he ended up beating him with his own cane and says that was cool. Coach snatches the apple from the air and says that wasn’t cool. He believes that Vince secretly wants to be rid of him entirely and needs to get him in the right place at the right time. Hornswoggle is there behind them to a big pop( I thought the Brits still hated the Irish) before stealing the apple and running off to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: What’s inside the Orange box? A little bit of plastic for a lot of money.
Back to the show where Coach is chasing magical beings into the cafeteria and swears he’s going to get him. Hornswoggle leaps from the buffet onto Coach, tackling him over a table before running off. Coach gets pissed, throws down his jacket at leaves. This needed more Yakkety Sax. And, as if we haven’t had enough time wasting tonight it’s time for a recap of last week’s incident with Triple H. We go to the office to see Vince having a stare down with the Queen next to a picture of Elton John (She never blinks, she’s like that bitch from the Ring). Vince asks Regal how old the Queen really is and Regal asks which one. HA. Vince corrects Regal on his pronunciation of Umaga from Umanga as we go to Kennedy walking dramatically through the halls on our way to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: Nothing says serious disaster relief like poorly drawn cartoony images.
KENNEDAAAAHHH….Guess who’s here? Kennedy introduces himself as the person people are going to vote for on Cyber Sunday (You know, the day they reboot The Matrix). Do we really have to do Orton’s entrance all three times?
Mr. Kennedy vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Non-title Match)
Kennedy beats Orton to the punch with the headlock (take a shot) but Orton counters it…into a headlock (take another shot). Kennedy switches up into a roll up for two and uses a…headlock. (Sigh…take a shot). Kennedy shoulder blocks for two and goes to!….a HEADLOCK! Whoo! (take a shot). Orton finally just lobs a punch to Kennedy’s face, slamming him face first to the turnbuckle. Kennedy gets thumbed in the eye and sidesteps a dropkick for two. Kennedy works a knee into Orton, lobbing punches. Orton fights back with uppercuts and begins stalking stomps. Kennedy starts to run away with it though out of nowhere (okay I admit I nodded off) and hit’s some kind of move where he flips over with Orton on his shoulders. He looks to have it won, but Hardy arrives, dropkicking Kennedy for the DQ.
Hardy hit’s the swanton on Kennedy and runs Orton off as well, staring him down as we pimp Michaels.
Random Commercial Thought: Saw 4. Can you believe Saw 5 is already licensed? My god.
Back to the show where Vince comes to the ring with some random bastard in the ring as well. He starts to talk about how the crowd determines Cyber Sunday to loud What chants. He says it will be Triple H against Umaga because we TOTALLY HAVEN’T SEEN THIS YET. And by totally haven’t I mean, we’ve seen it enough. Seriously. He says this match will be like a Street Fight and then some crap no one cares about. His opponent is Andy Simmons who gets a decent pop for being British.
Umaga vs. Andy Simmons (Street Fight)
He begs not to wrestle and Umaga beats him down and chokes him out on the floor with a cable before destroying the announce table as Vince watches this like Caesar. Where’s the thumbs down? There’s a freaking Andy chant! Haha! Umaga hit’s a Samoan Drop onto a chair and pins him. JR randomly declares himself to be back on the air. Uh…welcome back?
Umaga vs. Andy “I’m not Triple H” Simmons (First Blood Match)
Vince says there’s another match type there will be able to choose from and it’s first blood. The refs are forced to put poor Andy back in to eats a diving head butt and Ass Crash. Vince finally declares for a finisher (Do an Animality!) He does repeated rapid fire Samoan Spikes until he’s bleeding from the mouth for the win.
Vince asks for Medical attention, but as they carry him away the third option is a Cage match. The cage lowereth! Umaga raises his hands like freaking Jesus. Umaga tosses the kid into the cage. He calls the kid Triple H. Man, I could go for a drink.
Umaga vs. Andy Simmons (Cage Match)
This is one of those moments where if you were in the crowd, you might slit your wrists. Umaga throws Andy into the cage repeatedly once they’re both inside the whole while Vince tells him to get Triple H. Umaga eventually casually strolls out of the cage for the win.
Winner: Holy shit it’s still Umaga!
Vince seems proud of having completely bored the hell out of everyone as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Subway quit trying to make me healthy. I want to be a lazy bastard.
Back to the show. Hornswoggle makes his grand getaway on a tricycle. For some reason Coach hops on a bike as well rather than just lightly walking behind him. Ron Simmons is there to offer words of advice before we get Jillian Hall. I wish she’d sing Happy Happy Joy Joy one of these days. She says Lillians performance last week was pathetic. I thought Santino did pretty good. She says Lillian was obviously lip syncing (LEAVE LILLIAN ALOOOONE!!!) They replay the performance right before Lillian went and got a DUI and had a few babies with a has been, nobody. The crowd cheers for the clip like any of them know Spanish. Jillian says real singers go Acapella and will sing in a real language…british. It practically is it’s own language. After a hilarious Spice Girls rendition we have to be treated to more music torture with Candice’s theme music.
Jillian Hall vs. Candice Michelle
Jillian attacks before the theme ends, but Candice quickly starts to rally and treats Jillian to a dropkick before finishing her with an Unprettier. What the fuck Candice just had a squash?!
Elsewhere, The Glamazon says she’ll dominate Candice to get down on her knees next week in a rematch. I wouldn’t mind seeing her on her knees, but only if Gangrel “The Vampire Warrior” is filming it. Elsewhere still we have the showdown of the CENTURY in Cody Rhodes getting talked down by Holly for their rematch tonight. Holly bitchslaps him and Cody is back up hyperventilating like some kind of asthma patient. Holly says that’s the looks he’s looking for before walking off and Cody whips his nose with his hand. EEEEWWW boogers!
Random Commercial Thought: Vampires are apparently more than just porn directors according to this commercial.
Back to the show where we get a recap of smack down before Kendrick and London arrive. The highlanders, who are apparently still weighed with rocks. The World Tag Team Champions are on commentary.
Kendrick w/ London vs. Rory w/ Robbie
Rory and Kendrick trade blows, but Kendrick starts wailing in with kicks to the knees to drop him down. Rory head butts the midsection hard and uses a double axe handle, stomping Kendrick into the mat. Rory stalks Kendrick around as he tries to grab ropes and escape, hammering down on him. I like how Murdoch gets randomly more and more intelligent sounding as if he’s afraid he’ll impede on Festus’ gimmick or something. Kendrick grabs the ropes break the pin and Rory goes to a chin lock (take a shot. If any are still alive after tonight’s alcohol poisoning, I suggest you go buy more). Kendrick has to rally and elbow out. Rory shuts him down with a knee to the gut, but runs into a stiff kick in the corner. Kendrick does a huge flying dropkick as Robbie tries to get in the ring. London takes him down, but Rory is able to knock Kendrick down from behind. Rory hit’s a springboard Reverses suplex, bouncing Kendrick off the ropes to get the pin.
In case you didn’t see this EXACT SAME PROMO at the beginning of the show they’ll run it again for you now with Orton getting kicked out by Michaels.
Random Commercial Thought: Planet Terror. Because you can NEVER own enough shitty movies….I’m serious.
Back to the show. We get an interview with Shawn Michaels who thinks he needs to still be wearing the Cowboy Hat for some reason. The leprechaun is running away from Coach and into the Divas Locker Room. They both go in but Horny comes out with panties while Coach comes out being hailed by debris. We get a promo that totally isn’t for Jericho at all that interrupts JR. The announce team finally mentions it. Coach chases Hornswoggle under the ring and retrieve a detonator from under the ring. Acme is waiting for their check. Coach pushes the plunger but nothing happens so he goes under the ring to check it. Horny appears from the other end and uses it himself. It’s probably just Ron Jeremy’s butter churner. The blast goes off, screwing up the picture, but much like how Paul Bearer cheated death by concrete, Coach emerges, blackened (even more than he was before! Ha!) but unharmed as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Heavenly Sword. Kratos wouldn’t throw her off his face.
Back to the show. Twelve minutes to go and two matches? Someone’s getting’ squashed like those pumpkins that are still out during December. Speaking of squashed, here’s Cody Rhodes. Holly is from Mobile. Does that make it more convenient for him to fill up his race car? I wonder if he was sponsored.
Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes w/o A Chance in Hell
Cody and Holly exchange swift shots, but Holly tosses Cody over the ropes. Cody skins the cat and climbs back in, but Holly just runs him over with a clothesline. Holly works Cody over in the corner and Cody turns the tables, striking hard and getting pissed. Cody gets a hard cross body for two and Holly starts works him back over. Holly pulls him up through the ropes for arm clubs to the chest while these guys in the crowd trade echoing Kennedaaaah chants. Holly goes to a head lock (take a shot). JR here randomly calls Cody by the name of “Cody Runnels”. Cody gets hammered, but he reverses the Alabama slam into a pin for two. Cody Small Packages for two, tries a backslide for two and another backslide for another two. Holly misses a charge in the corner and gets pinned yet again for two. Holly hit’s a stiff dropkick as you can tell the crowd thought this match was over after the corner roll up. Cody rolls through a top rope cross body for two and then runs into an Alabama slam for three.
The crowd just self destructed like Coach.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve seriously seen all of these commercials every commercial break, it’s like no one felt like paying out some cash to show their products on this crappy show.
Back to the show where Shawn Michaels as Kid Rock comes to the ring. Already at the end of the second hour here as we wait for the match to star. Orton, slow walk and all arrives.
Shawn Michaels vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton (Non-Title Match)
As soon as the bell rings Michaels is all over Orton, pounding him until he runs to the floor. Michaels chases him to the floor and keeps the pressure on. Michaels rolls up for two because you totally get back at a guy for kicking you in the head by pinning him with a roll up. Another roll up gets another two, but Orton finally runs over Michaels with a clothesline, mounting for some punches. Orton sets Michaels up top and goes for the suplex. Moron. Predictable knock down into the elbow drop. Michaels goes to tune up the band, but…Wild Kennedy Appears! What will you do? Winner: Michaels
Kennedy hammers Michaels while Orton hold shim, but Hardy appears and destroys Kenned in the corner. He goes for the slingshot dropkick to the sternum, only for Orton to come up and toss him to the floor. Orton gets down on all fours and right in Michaels face, stomping for the RKO so of course when he tries it, he gets thrown into Kennedy who goes to the floor now as well while Orton eats a Superkick. Remember (VOTE MICHAELS) you have (VOTE MICHAELS) your choice (VOTE MICHAELS) For Cyber Sunday (AREN‘T YOU LISTENING RETARD?!).
Highlight of the Night: Kind of hard to pick one as basically there were hardly any real matches, just squashes and exercises in futility. So I’m going to give this to London and Rory, who put on an actually entertaining show.
Lowlight of the Night: Wow, um, let’s go with being forced to not only see THREE Orton match but essentially THREE Umaga squashes in a row.
WWE “Creative” Award: Acme bomb detonator. Who in the blue hell decided this had a purpose?
Show opens with Ken Kennedy in the ring to announce the competitors for Randy Orton’s title. He compares Jeff Hardy to Hillary Clinton (An old dried out bitch?). He says he won’t get the job done because like Hillary he has no testicals. He compares Shawn Michaels to everyone’s favorite mayor of New York during 9/11 (He did other stuff! Honest!). He claims they both live in the past. Kennedy compares himself to uh…Kennedy but quoting him…sort of. I’m pretty sure he took a few liberties with that speech. He says if elected he will defeat Orton and announces himself. Hardy interrupts the echo from the audience. Jeff has seemingly been combined with some of RVDs DNA to see the way he looks right now. Hardy says Kennedy’s approval rating sucks (17% Approval Rates? I’ll give you 17% of my foot in your ass). Hardy takes an impromptu vote on who wants him to beat Kennedy down and bumrushes the ring (The old tactic of sending a mob of crack-addicted bums at your opponent).
Hardy tackles Kennedy but Orton comes out and attacks him from behind. Kennedy uses the “Hug your legs” tactic to hold Hardy down while Michaels arrives. Orton runs in fear as he gets beat down while Kennedy continues to sexually molest Hardy’s legs. Jeff eventually escapes and clotheslines him to the floor as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: That’s a lie. Married men don’t want to get laid, they’ve long sense lost all sense in their genitalia.
Back to the show. So I saw the Undertaker Wrestlemania Matches DVD and I had to laugh out loud. RELIVE THE AWESOME of Giant Gonzales! Sounds like a good one…to miss. We get a recap of what happened before the break. Mickie and Londrick hop down to the ring like just smoked a whole bowl of crack. Melina looks less than enthused to be leading Cade and Murdoch out.
Londrick & Mickie James vs. Melina & World Tag Team Champions Cade & Murdoch (Mixed Tag Match)
London gets a head lock on Cade (take a shot) and walks up the turnbuckle into a headlock take over. Cade escapes and slams London into the corner. London dodges a corner charge and leaps off the turnbuckle into a cross body. Arm drag follows and Kendrick tags in with a sunset flip for two. Kendrick lands another arm drag and tags in London who works the arm more with a flying axe handle. Kendrick does the same. Mickie tags herself in to try and work the arm, forgetting the rules like a stupid bitch.
Melina comes in to dispense the bitch slaps, but Mickie eventually shuts her down with hard kicks. Melina tags in Murdoch in fear so Kendrick is in. Murdoch jawbreaker and falls backward into a tag to Cade. Cade gets a neck breaker for two. Cade and Murdoch do a double team senton. Murdoch and Kendrick brawl for a moment before a headlock shuts that down (take a shot). This is kinda like watching a bunch of high school jocks beat up on the nerdy shrimp. Kendrick escapes Cade to make the tag as Murdoch comes in. London unleashes and gets two off of a spinning heel kick when Murdoch breaks the tag. Mickie tackles Melina and tosses her out. Cade tries to do the HiLo with Murdoch but fudges and crushes Murdoch, allowing London to hit the shooting star press for three. Winners: Londrick & Mickie
After the match some bastard subjects us to the torture of the Diva contestants arresting Tard Grisham, I hope it was for child pornography. We find out we’ll be seeing more of them (if that doesn’t mean “Without their clothes on” then I don’t care) tonight.
Random Commercial Thought: How is EXTREME Energy different from regular energy?
Back to the show where Shawn Michaels wishes Jeff the best. Jeff says it’s all about making an impression and Shawn talks about how he’s basically the most logical choice because WWE says so. Hardy tries to pimp the Swanton of the Superkick and his title. Michaels asks if he can trust him (We did this) he says he’s gonna do exactly what Shawn would do (Wait until the long after celebration). Elsewhere, Cody is reading the 500th edition of WWE Magazine (I thought there were OVER 9000!) when Shelton and Haas come along. Shelton says 500 is the number of times Bob Holly beat Cody up this month. Shelton says at least someone else will kick his ass tonight. Cody says the major difference is he actually respects Hardcore Holly (because it’s easier not to get raped that way), but speaking of rape, Shelton threatens to spank him. Haas adds to the gayness by saying Aw Snap.
In Regal’s office, Coach is begging for a match with Hornswoggle because Vince is out of the country. Regal says he heard Vince set Coach up last week. Coach says that’s a dirty lie (like the CIA!) and that he’d be doing him a favor. Regal relents to the match which somehow gets a bigger pop than Candice’s match probably will. Coach says he was actually suggesting Umaga wrestle Hornswoggle not himself. Regal pauses to think and wanders off as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: What asshole decided kids singing songs is cute and not just annoyingly off key?
Back to the show where Cody is here! What’s what I hear? Complete and Total Apathy? His one weakness! We get a replay of Cody’s infinite lose streak. He must have put the Konami code in backwards I guess. Shelton and “I‘m the sidekick” Haas arrive.
Shelton Benjamin w/ Charlie Haas vs. Cody Rhodes
Shelton takes out Cody’s leg early and starts stomping it into the ground, working it over the rope with slingshot sentons. Cody fights up, but Shelton counters him into a knee breaker. Cody fights back again and sets himself up like an idiot with a back body drop. Cody catches Shelton with a kitchen sink and an elbow in the corner into a bulldog for two. I bet Cody really wishes he bothered to get a fucking finisher now. Shelton whips Cody to the ropes where Haas trips him allowing a surprise rollup from Shelton, but Cody rolls through for the three.
Haas attacks from behind and the double team begins before Hardcore Holly arrives to run them off with his frightening um….pink tights? There’s actually a small Holly chant for about twenty seconds. Cody for some reason strikes his best Karate Kid pose when he gets up. Hardcore Holly then turns around to beat the rookies ass HIMSELF…well okay that didn’t happen. More diva pimping and confirmations of Hornswoggle vs. Umaga.
Random Commercial Thought: The oldest story of all time must be told in CG.
Back to the show where Davey Boy Smith 2.0 is in the ring to dedicate the match to his father against Carlito.
D.H. Smith vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool
There’s a swift exchange of chain wrestling before Smith slides through the legs and rolls over Carlito for a two count. He shoves Carlito down with some kind of girly shove before power slamming Carlito for two. He seems to leave big awkward gaps in his movements. Springboard dropkick from Carlito and a kick to the back gets a two count. Carlito chops in the corner and scoop slams for two. Generic Rest hold of Doom ensues! Smith fights out and eats a clothesline for two. Carlito starts hammering him down and goes to a headlock (take a shot). Smith hit’s a cheap European uppercut in the corner before landing a double axe handle to the jaw. He follows with two dropkicks and a Northern lights for two. Springboard elbow finds its mark for two for Carlito. Carlito forces to the corner and tries to float over Smith on the reversal but Smith hit’s the running power slam for three. Winner: Smith
In the back, Candice and Phoenix are symmetrical docking and they look like they’re either going to make out or eat each other. There’s some words nobody cares about exchanged before we see Umaga headed to the ring on our way to commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: So that’s the asshole that threw a trash can at my car.
Back to the show where we get a replay of Coach vs. Hornswoggle complete with Looney Toon sound effects. Lillian is all depressed for Horny as she announces him (without a weight or hometown! What a bitch!) Hornswoggle takes his sweet time appearing before coming from beneath the ring. The Midget stops at the top of the ring steps as Coach taunts him. Coach’s eyes look like they are going to pop out of his skull. Eventually Hornswoggle makes a run for it and Trips’ music hits because you know…he’s like…having a match this Sunday and all. Triple H climbs into the ring and gives Umaga a posy ad they walk off into the sunset together.
Or at least that would have been less predictable than the brawl that comes down to the both of them being dragged apart by refs and security. Umaga gets sent to the floor before Hunter grabs a chair and goes after him. Umaga blocks and starts to deconstruct the table, but security stop him until Trips leaps from the table onto him. With his hair down like this Umaga looks like an even fatter Ozzy Osborne. Suffice to say they get pulled apart a lot more times. Eventually even the cameraman tires of this monotony.
Random Commercial Thought: I’m going to point out something about this main event for the Smackdown show coming to my show. We have Henry/Finlay/Khali vs. Rey/Taker/Batista in a six man tag, but on Smackdown they advertise it without Henry or the Undertaker.
Back to the show. Because we didn’t see the two of them run into each other like a kid playing with hot wheels (And they were fucking cherry classics too. That little bastard….), we get a replay of it happening then go the back for Umaga’s rampage. “Thor Hungry! Thor want eat!” We then go to…oh look a side show. It’s time for the Diva Search contestants. I kind of look at this like walking down South Broadway on Saturdays. You know they’re all well traveled but at least one of them has got to have some big knockers you can hold onto….wait, what was I talking about? For the record, I’d bang Lena. Totally. Tard keeps talking but I keep hearing “I’m a dick” coming out of his mouth…or was that going into his mouth? Lena is sent home. Racists. Some asshole decided they get to give a final speech now. What the fuck?! I thought this wasn’t even supposed to be televised. And the mute function isn’t work on my remote! Well I’m hungry, sandwich time.
Elsewhere, Kennedy and Orton have a stare down. For some reason it looks like Kennedy was about to pick Randy’s nose. Orton points out he only came down there to save him from Hardy because he needs him for the match tonight and there’s no way he will get to challenge for the title because people don’t like him. Kennedy asks him if that’s right and points out that if this were before Guy Who Never Existed, he would win. Kennedy says he might just decide to make a statement. Orton orders him to not make an enemy out of him. Kennedy calls him partner and wanders off as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: You can tell the anti-drug commission is multicultural, our girl can use Spanish words! Accept us!
Back to the show. Morella is here to pimp WWE Magazine by bashing it. He taunts Stone Cold but gets interrupted by a 2nd Coming video. Santino wonders if that was Stone Cold while a Y2J chant begins. Ron interrupts him to get the match started.
Ron Simmons vs. Santino Morella w/ Maria
Simmons takes the first few shots easily and forces Morella to the corner. Santino turns the tables, but Ron punches out and sends him down with a stiff shot. Santino trips Simmons out and starts stomping him to the mat. Some guys in the front start a MARIO CHANT. Bad. Ass. Santino goes to a headlock (take a shot). Santino gets shoves to the corner and kicks Ron in the nuts.
The ref DQs and Santino storms off with Hot Topic Maria. In the back, Triple H answers that if he has his way he’d like all three matches at the same time or something. I’m not really sure how that works out, but he’s probably got some kind of three fetish. Three H’s, Three match, Three inches…Elsewhere Candice’s Boobs are heading to the ring!
Random Commercial Thought: This commercial has a “professor” holding a steaming overflowing chemical container with her bare hands.
Back to the show. Candice is here and I have to say, I swear her boobs freaking inflate sometimes. Maybe she carries an air pump? I bet John Cena wouldn’t mind pausing to pump those. Phoenix makes her decidedly more butch entrance.
Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle (Best Two out of Three Women’s title Match)
Beth forces Candice to the corner and chops Candice in the chest but her chest softens the blow. Candice tires a head scissors in the corner but gets tossed to the apron. Candice kicks her in the gut and hits a hurricanrana from the top. Candice tries a sunset flip back in the ring, but Beth drags her up by the throat for a double barreled choke slam and the first fall of the match.
Random Commercial Thought: I should make a Steve O video and tell him I'm afraid of banging hot blonde bitches who co-host bad reality shows. I wouldn’t mind some help getting over that fear.
Back to the match. Candice is in a variation of the Walls of Jericho. Phoenix elbow drops and slaps the hold back on but Candice finally kicks her off. Candice leaps into a punch to the gut and gets kicks right back down. Beth starts hammering away (like a transexual) but Candice comes out with flying forearms and dropkicks. A spinning clothesline gets two. Inside cradle gets two and Candice is sent head first into the ref’s balls. HA! Candice slams Beth back down for another two and climbs up top. Beth trips her up and leaves her looking dead on the mat. Beth pins.
Candice gets a whole lot of attention and a bottle of water. EMTs eventually come to strap her down while we get Owen voices for a while. The crowd randomly starts doing Whoo chants for some reason as we see Orton heading out and we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: How do you just roll through freaking barbed wire? What are they freaking Katamari?
Back to the show. Shawn Michaels is here (VOOOOOTE) and there’s some idiot in the crowd with a “JR’s BBQ #1!” sign. Jeff “I’m not half as Important as Shawn” Hardy is out next. Kennedy follows suit while we wait for the guy who’s so unbelievable as champion I actually forgot he had the title for a moment. Even Orton doesn’t really seem to be much into it himself.
Intercontinental Champion Jeff hardy & Shawn Michaels vs. Ken Kennedy & WWE Champion Randy Orton
Match starts off with Kennedy and Michaels. Shawn looks annoyed but soon they tie up. Michaels is forced to the corner. Kennedy unloads in the corner for the duration on the count but on the forced break, Michaels drags Kennedy back to the corner with knife edged chops. A whip by Kennedy gets reversed into a neck break by Michaels. Shawn drops a knee on Kennedy and tags in Hardy for a nice pop who works the arm. Kennedy tries to fight back but a wrap around clothesline sets him up for a flying elbow to the back of the head for a one count. Hardy hit’s the corner hard when he misses a splash and Orton tags in. Orton starts pounding in the corner, beating Hardy to the ground. Hardy blocks a punch and floats over in the corner but Orton runs him over with a clothesline for two. Kennedy gets a two count himself when he tags in, but Hardy counters an Irish whip and manages the tag.
Michaels comes in and starts his generic offense, setting up for the elbow drop. Up top, Orton distracts him so Kennedy can knock him down. Orton tags in and starts to pummel Michaels. Wow, it’s been a long time now and no Orton locks, that’s a miracle. Michaels fights back with chops but crashes into the turnbuckle from an Irish whip. Kennedy tags in for a two count. Kennedy goes to an abdominal stretch. Michaels rallies, but Kennedy uses two back breakers for two. Kennedy hoists Michaels on his shoulders, but he escapes only to get clotheslined. Orton tags back in and starts his stalking stomps. I’ve begun to wonder what the point of the stalking part is. Does it make him suddenly stronger as he charges up like a robot?
Michaels rallies and beats Orton to the corner, but Kennedy blind tags in and beats Michaels off. Kennedy sets Michaels up and Orton comes back in with a body scissors. The move gets switched up to a side headlock (take a shot). Michaels fights loose with chops, but is shut down by a drop toe hold. Shawn escapes with an enziguiri and makes the tag. Kennedy in as well and Hardy hit’s a flying clothesline into mounted punches. Mule Kick sets up the slingshot dropkick to the sternum but Orton breaks the count at two. Michaels beats Orton to the floor and flies over the ropes as him as Kennedy eats a Whisper in the Wind. Hardy tears off his shirt as if that makes him go Super Saiyan. Kennedy meets Hardy up top but gets slung down into a Swanton.
Winners: Michaels & Hardy
After the match Orton tries an RKO on Hardy but when he turns aroud into it he turns right into a Superkick from Michaels.
Highlight of the Night: D.H. Smith debuts in a good showing, though he’s looking a little stiff. Then again, Davey Boy was never the smoothest guy in the ring either.
Lowlight of the Night: Candice, finally starting to get to some heavy heat in a match manages to completely kill herself.
WWE “creative” Award: Why the fuck am I still seeing Hornswoggle? I should rename this award after him.
Of course, you can always decide to honor Raw this Halloween by watching a marathon of movies involving everyone’s favorite chaos-inducing midget. I highly suggest Leprechaun Back 2 the Hood for the greatest chance of inducing a seizure in anyone trying to sit through the whole thing. Hornswoggle would be proud.
Theme and pyro open us to the news we have Orton/Umaga against Triple H tonight. Why? Because SOMEONE has to overcome the odds. To ringside for Skank Maria here for the Halloween Battle Royal. Awesomely Victoria does plan to wrestle in her Sumo suit which was MY vote for the contest winner last night. Jillian sings like Brittney but I think the two babies belong on a Michael Jackson outfit.
Divas Halloween Costume Battle Royal
Michelle McCool still can’t beat Victoria despite her being completely immobile. Just goes to show you that even while not moving she’s the top female worker. Layla hit’s the floor first (how appropriate). The girls try to team up to toss Victoria as if she was Viscera. Victoria does a Bansai Drop to Brooke and sends her to the floor. Michelle throws Jillian after bashing her with her babies (someone call SRS). Michelle gets tossed while Melina and Mickie start to tangle which ends with Melina eliminating herself with Mickie. Torrie Wilson football tackles Victoria and hoists her over the ropes with Kelly Squared, but Kelly dumps her from behind as well for the win. Winner: Kelly
I guess something had to justify her existence on the Smackdown game over Victoria. Phoenix arrives after the match and Kelly runs but Jillian and Melina toss her back in to eat the Chicken Wing toss. What the fuck is that on Beth’s face? A Power Crystal? We get a replay of Michaels vs. Orton from last night which ended in an oh so blah DQ. Michaels is walking through the back as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Pirates on Law and Order? They really are scraping the barrel.
Back to the show where we find we’ll be getting the CLINIC tonight of Coachman vs. Hornswoggle Michaels is on his way to the ring now. JR proceeds to suck his dick the whole way down. Shawn tells us he has good news and bad news. After informing us that he has the world’s smallest cajones, Michaels says he deserves a rematch and he wants his WWE Championship right now. Vince decides to strut down in a suit so horrible Buddy Holly wouldn’t wear it. Vince asks us how many of us want to see Shawn as WWE Champion again and get a rematch. Vince goes on some rant that Shawn wants the opportunity to set records as the greatest WWE Champion of all time. He says the thing Shawn wants more is (piece of mind?) revenge. Shawn admits he wants to hurt Orton (hulk smash!) and demands his rematch. Vince tells him to be careful what he wishes for. As soon as Vince mentions Survivor Series the crowd boos since the rematch obviously isn’t tonight. Vince gives him the rematch and starts to taunt Michaels. A feinted super kick causes Vince to drop to his ass like it’s the Royal Rumble and makes his escape.
Random Commercial Thought: Wow I suddenly have all new commercials. It’s a Halloween Miracle.
Back to the show. They pimp Diva Search voting before we go to ringside for Hardcore Holly and Rhodes. What makes Holly Hardcore? I never see him in a Hardcore match and his promos certainly aren’t all that scathing or cutting edge. I call false advertising.
The World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. Dustin Rhodes & Hardcore Holly
Shelton starts off with Holly and shoes him to the corner, but Holly fights off Haas and Benjamin. Shelton tackles him to the ground and starts wailing away, tossing him back to the corner to tag in Haas. Haas takes Bob to the other corner, but Sparky chops out. Haas trips him up, going to some cross faces (chicken wings and tap water). Shelton tags back in and quickly tags back out after a quick exchange. Haas eats a dropkick and Holly tags in Rhodes. Rhodes flying up top for a flip over shoulder block on Haas. Clotheslines and dropkick gets a one count. Haas sends Rhodes to the corner, but Rhodes pops out with a power slam for two. Shelton breaks the pin. Holly and Benji go to the floor and Rhodes nails Chuck into the mat with a DDT for three.
Winners: Rhodes & Holly
Holly gets pissed at a slap on the back from Rhodes and glares at him on his way out. Haha, King calls him Bob. Orton and Umaga are trying to get psyched up in the back.
Random Commercial Thought: Damnit kids stop singing!
Back to the show where we rewatch Candice breaking her clavicle. Elsewhere we have the Glamazon talk about how she’s been making a statement. Elsewhere still Trevor starts hitting on Mickie James who thanks him for saving her ass from the clothesline in her last tag match. He’s about to get his Mac on when Cade comes in to cock block. He says Trevor cost them the match last week and they need to be on the same page for his match tonight. In Regal’s office he says Vince can’t get himself injured because they were just talking about the problem with the roster. Vince looks annoyed when Regal calls Umaga Umanga again. He says it’s stupid to try and get Triple H injured and Vince says Triple H is special because it’s personal. Vince asks where his “toad-frog” son Hornswoggle is. Horny is panting like a dog. I’m waiting for him to start pissing on the furniture and humping his leg. Vince has Regal leave and says he hasn’t been around much, saying Horny’s been on his own for a while. He doesn’t want him to get the wrong impression, but he’s still an imaginary creature and therefore not entitled to an inheritance. Obviously. He has to explain why the match is happening tonight, saying he believes everyone needs to be humiliated once, no matter how many times you get knocked down you get back up until they just can’t knock you down anymore. Like when Mike Tyson boxes old actresses.
Vince adds that as a McMahon he has to learn to hate from his heart and if he can’t he can’t be successful. Hornswoggle starts grunting like a bull and runs off screaming in rage like a miniature version of Wolverine (take that Hugh Jackman) as we to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: Elijah burke joins the ghost hunters since what you obviously want on a show shot in the dark is someone blacker than the entire cast of Boondocks combined.
Back to the show where Coachman and Hornswoggle arrive only for us to find there is a special Guest Referee….Mick Foley? Horny hugs his leg when he arrives and gives him a high fie. Coach gets an overly thorough inspection that borderlines on a reach-around.
Hornswoggle vs. Jonathon Coachman (Special Ref: Mick Foley)
Foley holds Coach at bay when he tries to charge in early before allowing them to circle around each other. Hornswoggle tries to run around Coach and gets tossed back to the corner. Hornswoggle darts between his legs and starts attacking the legs. He jumps on Coach’s back and Coach escapes. Coach grabs him by the beard and tosses Hornswoggle over his shoulder until he gets bit. Hornswoggle escapes and runs, but the ref grabs him and tosses him back right into Coach’s nards. Hornswoggle pins for one. Horny does a chest stomp and goes up…to the middle for a senton that bombs. Foley holds him off and Coach tells him to get out of his way. Foley tries to hold him off of Hornswoggle and Coachman elbows him in the face. Coach clocks Foley from behind then retrieves a chair.
Foley grabs the chair and knocks Coach on his ass before bringing forth Socko. Why is that sock in his pants? Does he stuff? Foley pulls out a midget sized Socko for Hornswoggle. Coach runs from Foley’s sock only to find Hornswoggle’s going in for the nut kill. Hornswoggle goes up top and…actually hit’s a perfect frog splash. Eddie Guerrero rolls over in his grave. Winner: Hornswoggle
King calls it a Tadpole Splash. In the back Tard talks about how Triple H got his ass beat last night despite winning. Trips thanks him for being there to remind him of the tragedies in his life. Trips promises if he goes down, he’s taking Orton and Umaga with him. He reminds us he is the game (Hopefully it isn’t E.T. for the Atari 2600).
Random Commercial Thought: Virtua Fighter 5 and it’s character that SO isn’t Rey Mysterio despite dressing exactly like him and using the 619.
Back to the show where they rerun Murdoch saving Mickie from the clothesline to get himself crushed. Paul London is out to take on Cade.
World Tag Team Champion Lance Cade w/ Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London w/ Brian Kendrick
Cade gets ran around and London goes to s series of two side headlocks (take two shots). Cross body from London gets a quick one count. Cade lands a big back body drop that grabs two for himself. London eats some hard shots but he counters an Irish Whip by flipping in the corner into a springboard cross body. Inverted Atomic Drop is followed by a head scissors. London is sent to the floor and Trevor approaches when Kendrick runs through the ring over the ropes to take him down. Back in the ring, London uses a sunset flip to get two but Cade hits a huge spine buster from the corner three.
After the match the Highlanders arrive. They then proceed to destroy Londrick. There can be only one!….er…two!
Random Commercial Thought: Stephen King’s The Mist comes to the big screen in the same vein as Room 1408, taking from his short stories. When it arrives, go see it. Or I’ll kill you.
Back to the show. I pity Gershon as he has to watch Khali vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Daddy V. Ouch. Hardy is here for tag team action. D.H. “I use initials” Smith is his partner for this affair. They’ll be taking on Carlito “I wish I was still relevant” Caribbean Cool and Mr. “I wish I hadn’t taken drugs to get stuck with this” Kennedy….Kennedy.
Carlito Caribbean Cool & Mr. Kennedy vs. D.H. Smith & Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy
Hardy and Kennedy start off with Kennedy going to the side head lock (take a shot). Hardy throws him off but gets leveled by a shoulder block. Hardy tries a hip toss but Kennedy block so Hardy counters with a clothesline. Kennedy manages to make the tag to Carlito who sends Hardy to the corner for shoulder blocks to the gut. Jeff starts to fight out and lands a mule kick for one. Jeff goes for a side headlock (take a shot) and manages to do that weird sit down pin thing he does for two. D.H. tags in and finds himself forced to a corner and pummeled. Carlito counters a back body drop attempt but the second lands anyway. Smith clotheslines Carlito to the floor and Hardy cuts off Kennedy when he tries to run in from behind. Kennedy si flung from the ring and into Carlito as we go to commercial.
Random Commercial Thought: If a Guitar Hero is in you, you’re probably a slut.
Back to the show where Carlito has Smith in a leg lock in the center of the ring since Kennedy kicked his legs out. King explains that D.H. means Davey Hart Smith. Carlito drags Smith to the corner and tags in Kennedy who works the leg over more, dropping down on it and pinning for two. Carlito and Kennedy double team in in the corner and Carlito tags in, stomping the leg some more. Knee breaker gets a two count. Smith finally crushes Kennedy when he tags in to escape to a tag. Carlito and Jeff are back in and Jeff hit’s the wrap around clothesline. A hard elbow sends Hardy reeling but Whisper in the Wind from Jeff picks up two when Kennedy breaks it up. Kennedy stomps Smith to the corner and goes for a running boot to the face only for Smith to dodge causing him to rack himself. Twist of Fate lands on Carlito to be followed by the Swanton.
Winners: Smith & Hardy
Random Commercial Thought: I wish somebody WOULD whack the Burger King (and not in the good way).
Back to the show where Santino is out to be pissed that he was prevented from being able to go to Cyber Sunday and give Stone Cold a piece of his mind. He was glad the in flight movie was not The Condemned as there are not enough vomit bags….glass crash. The person who appears on screen however is not Stone Cold but rather Santino dressed as Stone Cold. Something about the bottom line being that if a live stock is involved, he’ll beat him like it. He admits Santino was right and he should have been the star of The Condemned. Skank Maria comes down in some Ruby colored outfit to tell Santino that Austin will be on Raw next week. Santino says she fell for a lie and that he won’t really come. He tries to slam Lillian’s CD but calls her Jillian, but it was a nice try anyway. Elsewhere, The bitches are on their way out.
Random Commercial Thought: Dr. Steve-O starts sending me messages and I’m going to throw away my phone.
When we are back the Diva Search winner is announced so I kind of passed out but I believe Eve won. We follow with a Save Us video and Randy Orton and more commercials.
Random Commercial Thought: I’ve always wondered if with all the video game commercials on Raw, that all the wrestlers spend their road time in the vans playing PS2 while choking down Skittles and working on the Bowflex.
Umaga and Triple H are out.
Umaga & WWE Champion Randy Orton vs. Triple H (Handicap Match)
Triple H starts off with Umaga and beats the living hell out of him. Finally Orton decides to come in and attack from behind. Orton is sent to the floor where he eats railing. Triple H leads Umaga around and slings him to the floor before dragging Orton back into the ring. Umaga tries to charge him while he’s beating on Orton in the corner and ends up splashing Orton instead. Triple H sends Umaga down and goes for a pedigree on Orton but a head butt from Umaga blocks it. The full double team begins but Triple H kicks Orton in the gut in the corner. He starts punching on Umaga but a Samoan Drop (which is apparently a Ghetto Drop is you’re Big Daddy V, unless you are Michael Cole in which case it’s still a Samoan Drop. Got all that?). Orton and Umaga beat him down into the corner but Michaels arrives to send Orton to the floor. Michaels starts wailing on Umaga, sending him into a low blow from Trips. Umaga is clotheslined to the floor.
Winners: Umaga & Orton
Michaels and Trips stare off with Umaga and Orton from the ring with DX signs from Michaels and Trips. Vince and Regal are in the back and Regal says it didn’t turn out the way he wanted he guesses. Vince says it always turns out the way he wants when he wants and next week will be a one night only return of DX. Regal says that’s splendid and they share a very awkward moment.
Highlight of the Night: Victoria tries to wrestle in a Sumo fat suit. Simply awesome.
Lowlight of the Night: Rewind to 2006 for some brand new DX. Oh joy.
WWE “Creative” Award: Hornswoggle cashes in on Foley’s heat to keep this lame storyline over.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).