Welcome to Monday Night Raw, now in WAY TOO FUCKING LONG format. To help me survive this onslaught of a wrestling clusterfuck, I’ve recruited our own Gershon Levy to fill out the middle of the show while I sandwich it with two more hours. Let’s get this show on the road.

Raw Reunion Show- 10/09/06

New Theme and entrance video. Both suck equally. Anyway we have all three announce crews here tonight. Cena is out first to good pops and my GOD that is the most ridiculous foam knux thing I have ever seen in the crowd. They replay the cage match clips. He declares this the season premiere as the 698th episode. He sends a message out to Edge and says Edge is out of the picture when Booker’s theme cuts in. Booker talks about how Cena is A champ and not THE champ. Cena responds with a pretty good English accent and tells how he beat Booker in the six-tag team. Cena and Booker are going to go down when Big show shows up to talk them both down. He says he’s the greatest giant and Cena reminds him of Andre. Big Show gets some good heat by saying if Andre were still around, he’d kick his ass too. Cena’s movie gets punked. Big show says he was in a movie called The Waterboy in which every scene he was in he did in one take. Booker reminds him he was in it for 42 seconds and he’s taken longer shits. Cena asks Booker if the great movie he’s talking about is Mr. Nanny. Booker says the greatest movie is Ready to Rumble. Cena and Big Show die laughing. Cena decides that’s enough movie talk and they should go at it and Big Show ends up with the upper hand on everyone. JBL calls King a midget and tells him to shut up. We go to the back where Coach, Heyman and Long are all bitching at each other as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: EAT THE SANDWICH.

Okay we come back at the GMs set up matches for each other’s champions. Heyman picks RVD vs. Booker T. Coach picks Big Show vs. Jeff Hardy and Long picks Cena vs. Undertaker despite Coach’s suggestion of THE MIZ. Anyway to ringside with Umaga and Kane.

Kane vs. Umaga (Loser Leaves Raw)

Kane starts with heavy right, but Umaga fights back. Kane gains the upper hand and crushes Umaga with a clothesline in the corner. He tries to come running again, but Umaga derails that train and starts kicking Kane down. Kane eats a headbutt and Umaga runs into an elbow in the corner before being slung face first into the ring post. Kane goes up top and comes down as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: When you remove stains, sing to them! It makes it work faster.

Back to the show. Umaga is pummeling Kane on the ground in the corner with rights. During the break, Umaga hit the Samoan Drop on Kane. Kane catches Umaga running at him in the corner with a chokeslam, but Umaga counters to a belly to belly. Kane sits up and attacks, but Umaga hits a facebuster. Umaga hits a flying splash/headbutt on Kane and signals the spike. Kane blocks and catches the arm to grab Umaga’s throat. Umaga counters that though only to take a sidewalk slam. Kane goes up top and hits the flying clothesline. Kane signal a chokeslam, but uses it on Estrada on the apron. Umaga attacks from behind but Kane kicks him off. Estrada hits Kane and Umaga takes him down from behind with the Spike for the win.
Winner: Umaga

Kane gets big chants after the match and walks off into the sunset....er, Titantron as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I decided to stare at the wall to see if I could tell the difference. Results are as of yet undetermined.

Back to the show. The coach of something is here tonight. Anyway, Taz pimps the ECW champion’s match and then JBL pimps the Smackdown match. King gets the honor of pimping Taker/Cena. We go to the back with Kane. The Highlanders stop him. Rory says even though he lost, they just want to say they would be honored to give him a parting handshake. Kane kicks their asses because we have to bury these poor guys with someone every week.

Elsewhere, DX has a podium and has to issue formal apologies to the following people. The entire Tag Team division for single-handedly decimating them. The Spirit Squad. They throw out the one for making Coach look like- and then Masters for looking like-....er...and then to Edge for making him lose. Cade and Murdoch for beating them within an inch of their lives in a street fight, which Hunter points out hasn’t happened yet. Shawn asks if they are live and Trips says they are. Shawn asks what they should do to fill the timeslot then and they pimp their gear. Commercials!...brought to you by Dx.

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 3. We saw it already! Been there, SEEN it.

Back to the show. They replay Jeff Hardy’s IC title win before our ECW announcers call the match for us. Joey styles tells us and I quote "Tonight’s show is brought to us by Fruity fruity fruity fruity fruity Skittles." Big Show is out next.

ECW Champion The Big Show vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy

According to Joey, Big Show uses Hardy as a Florescent Frisbee. Hardy tries to fight back with low kicks and comes running off the ropes right into a clothesline. Big Show powerslams and gets on the middles ropes in the corner for an ass drop, but Hardy rolls out of the way. Hardy starts pummeling and dropkicks the knee. He signals the Twist of Fat, but Show tries to throw him out only to get hung on the top rope. Whisper in the Wind knocks Show out cold. Swanton hits and Hardy covers for two. Hardy takes the Big Sleep then the Showstopper for the loss.
Winner: Big Show

Show annihilates Hardy a little more then we get a trailer for The Marine as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Saint’s Row is surprisingly not put out by the Catholic Church.

So, I'm fucking lazy and don’t want to do all of this. Here’s my man-servant Gersh with the next hour.

Thanks Cameron, I think. Me being here at all is my fault because no one should have to suffer through three hours of wrestling and I offered to do the middle hour. Hopefully I'll get something worth my time.

Next is the street fight. We get the classic DX entrance first to a nice pop and Hunter's Michael Buffer impression though if he said "rumble" instead of "suck it" he'd get sued. Trips says they got Vince a present and wondered where they could find one big enough to satisfy him. They show the University of South Carolina mascot (the gamecock) and of course they "beat off" a few cheap cock jokes. He clears up the confusion by stating he is the game and that is the cock. Cade and Murdoch are next and we are ready for the third week in a row of this match.

DX vs. Cade and Murdoch (Suck It Redneck Style YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWW!!!)

All four in the ring to start and Hunter does a facebuster then a clothesline over the top to Cade. He then slams Murdoch and Shawn goes to the top rope but Cade pushes him off. Trips goes after Cade on the outside while Murdoch beats up on HBK in the ring. Murdoch helps out and throws Hunter into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Cade hits Michaels with an inverted atomic drop and Murdoch clocks him with a boot to the face. Murdoch takes off his belt (and thankfully nothing else) and whips Shawn a few times. Hunter takes Cade to the outside and hits a suplex on the steel ramp. He then takes a chair and busts a nut, I mean busts him wide open. A guest appearance by a table is made and Murdoch is set up on it as Shawn goes to the top rope and hits an elbow to go right through the table. HBK starts tuning up the band and we get Sweet Chin Music followed by a Pedigree and pin. And this intense street fight that only lasted about five minutes is over.
Winners: DX

Edge and Lita are watching from backstage and Tard Grisham asks him about DX causing him to lose his title match last week. He says he's bringing back the Cutting Edge tonight to Blockbuster because it was due back two weeks ago. Oh he has a talk show with that name? I forgot about that since it was so fucking boring!

After a commercial we see a replay of what happened to Kane. Pretty sad he got beat by a cigar and a thumb. Shelton comes out and gets a nice pop from the hometown crowd. He says he won't leave the ring until he gets some competition and he certainly gets it as Chris Benoit is his opponent.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit (Do they have blacks in Canada?)

Benoit attacks quickly and hits a German suplex but Benjamin is able to grab the ropes and break it. He then puts a chin lock on but Benoit breaks out of that. He hits a couple of clotheslines and then hits the Hat Trick (which JR stupidly calls the Three Amigos which are not German suplexes). Shelton comes back but Benoit is able to counter and lock in the Crossface to which Shelton taps.
Winner: Chris Benoit

Teddy Long and Paul Heyman are backstage talking about the dominance of their own respective wrestler's performances tonight. Coach brings in Super Crazy who has represented all three shows. They each ask him if the brand they represent was the best for him and he says "si" to each. He then basically says all three shows are great and well this is just stupid.

Chavo is out next with Vickie who is now his "business manager". How about with that kickback she is getting she gets a personal trainer? William Regal is next and hope he keeps his "willie" in his pants. Finlay is last. Lashley (or as I like to call him a buff Wayne Brady, think he can do improv?). Mysterio then makes his entrance and finally my hometown boy Batista. It's nice to see Smackdown representing on Raw by having the same match they have pretty much every week.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie, Finlay, and Wee Willie Regal vs. Lashley, Rey Mysterio and Batista (The Best Smackdown Has to Offer, I'm Pretending It's Friday and Going Out)

Chavo starts off trading a series of punches and kicks with Rey. Chavo tries to drop Rey out of the ring but he gets a hurricanrana which takes Chavo out of the ring. He goes to the top and jumps on Regal and Finlay and hits a double hurricanrana on them and almost goes for the "1238" but they escape. They go to triple team Rey on the outside but Lashley and Batista break it up as we go to commercial.

We're back unfortunately as Rey gives Finlay a drop toe hold into the corner but he gets right up and hits a shoulder breaker. Chavo tags in and Rey kicks him in the head a couple times. Regal interferes and prevents the tag which distracts the ref and they do the older than your great-great grandmother cliché that the ref didn't see it so it doesn't count but expect later in the match the heels to do the same thing and get away with it. Eventually Batista gets the hot tag and cleans house with a broom and a body slam. He goes for a pin but Regal and Finlay interfere and Lashley spears both. Rey then goes to the top and hits a hurricane-rana on Chavo, followed by a 619, a spine buster from Batista and a frog splash from Rey which leads to the three count.
Winners: Lashley, Batista & Rey

We're back and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's fucking Mae Young (with a walker) and Moolah. Well thankfully it was just an appearance because they're both local. Then we get John Cena training with actual Marines for umm, The Marine. I would much rather see him getting rap lessons from white rappers.

King Booker and Sharmell are backstage and he blurts out a bunch of jibber jabber although it was funny that he moved from Raw to "Smackethdown". Melina then makes her entrance, but not her usual one as we go to commercial and I hand it back over it Cameron (thank the freaking lord). I'll be back tomorrow for Extreme Strip Poker. I'm actually postponing a date until Wednesday to recap it, can you believe that?

I’m Back bitches. WORSHIP ME. Anyway, We get a thing of John Cena running through actual Marine drills and blowing up worse than Big Show in a five minute jog. We go to Booker T cutting a promo on RVD and his wife hails King Booker. Is it just me or did she get less ugly?

We get back and all the Divas from the diva Strip Poker come out to be lumber jacks for the match and uh.....damn I’m drooling o.O

Torrie vs. Melina (Women's Title Tournament Lumberjack Match)

Anyway Torrie opens with arm drags of death. Melina sends her to the apron and repeatedly knocks her off of it for the lumber-bitches to push her back in. Torrie finally gains the advantage with a suplex for two once back inside. She runs into a boot to the stomach in the corner and a face buster gets Melina two. Torrie takes her down next as the announcers fight with one another. Torrie dropkicks Krystal for being annoying and Melina rolls her up for three.
Winner: Melina

After the match Torrie pulls Krystal in and gives her the Facial in the corner as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Mystery Commercial.

World Champion King Booker w/ Sharmell vs. Rob Van Dam

Booker is here and followed by RVD. No fuss, no mess here we go.
RVD takes some shots early from Booker to the crowd’s dismay, but easily recovers, hitting some kicks on Bookers. He moonsaults Booker in the corner, scoring a two count. Rob attempts his back flip shoulder charge and eats ring post for his trouble. Booker hits a Harlem sidekick for two of his own. Booker goes for the dreaded headlock (take a shot) and Rob gets free, reversing a backdrop with a kick. Rob counters a knee to the gut into a rollup for two. Rob blocks getting his head slammed in the corner with his foot then brings it up into Booker’s face. RVD starts controlling as Booker seemingly dances into a reverse elbow. Rob goes up top and Sharmell trips him up to rack himself. He falls off and Booker sets him up and Scissors him down for the win.
Winner: Booker T

After the match we sneak off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I went to get more pizza.

Back to the show. Cyme Tyme works out with da white bitch. Mitch then tells us he sucks but he’s going to change that by beating Ric Flair tonight. The GMs are arguing over who’s show sucks more (or whether that is what they SHOULD be saying). Vince shows up and says what a Family Reunion would be without its Patriarch. He says he considers them all his children, though his illegitimate children in this case. Anyway Vince suggests all three champions show up at Cyber Sunday to decide the Champion of Champions.

Random Commercial Thought: Watch out there's a guy trying to strap you to a complicated piece of mechanical equipment!

They run a thing about The Marine Premiere. Anyway Spirit Squad is in the ring and since Mitch said Flair had no friends....out comes Roddy Piper followed Ted Dibiassi and IR-FUCKING-S. And then Double A Arn Anderson rounds them out. Arn leads the charge around the ring, chasing off the Squad and leaving Mitch by himself.

Mitch vs. Ric Flair w/ The Golden Oldies

Mitch opens with a thumb to the eye and a cheap shot, but Flair comes back with chops and the chopblock. Mitch sells the chopblock like his leg was just sawed off. Ric immediately locks on the Figure Four to end it. Ric and friends celebrate in the ring.
Winner: Flair

Flair struts and Piper mock struts as we see Edge on his way and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Curse of the haunted hoodie.

We come back to a Cyber Sunday pimp (Heh....Cyber Pimp....) and here comes Edge. He calls out Orton to his interview segment to tell him he hasn’t done shit. He shows footage of Randy being beaten by Evolution two years ago (funniest tag line o f"Two Years Ago" on the bottom of the screen) then him getting beaten by Cena and DX. He wants to unite against DX. Randy accepts and looks like he’s about to make out with Edge. So what are they now? Anti-DX? De-Degeneration X? Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Bring it on...to my bed.

Back to the show. here’s Cena. And we wait....for a gong. Finally the lights go down and Taker is on his way out, smog and all. Why aren’t the government officials all over Taker for pollution?

WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Undertaker

Taker is moving lively for a zombie, who apparently now all take boxing lessons. Taker chokes Cena in the corner until Cena turns the tables for punches. Taker chucks him back in for rights of his own then scares off the ref. Kick to the face only pisses Taker off. Orton eats a big boot and crashes for two. Taker goes for old school, but Cena counter for a suplex. Taker just shoves him off, but Cena runs back up to finally get the superplex for two. John goes back to punches and gets pulled into a bear hug. JR tells us what Cena is thinking since he’s obviously psychic.

Shoulderblock takes Undertaker down as he signals Five Knuckle Shuffle. The You Can't See Me pose is counter by a choke grabs for a chokeslam. Cena escapes, but Taker shuts him down. Cena counters back and scoops Taker up only to be reversed into a Tombstone,. Cena escapes and attempts an FU. Take slips out and chokeslams Cena before Booker and Big Show run in on him. Taker fights them off when Kennedy (KENNEDY) runs in to get a big boot on the apron (Gershon: geez...he waits three hours to run into a foot).

Taker takes Kennedy out down the ramp as Show sneak attacks Booker. Cena catches Show off guard with a DDT and puts on the STFU. Show taps. Booker recovers and attacks only to get an FU for his trouble. Cena leaves them both broken as the Announcers send us off and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Benjamin/Benoit was fun so I’ll give it to that.

Lowlight of the Night: Big Superstars return for a one minute match. Oh yippy.

Eugene Award: Three hours of "fun" to counteract a rematch between Shamrock and Ortiz. That’s just the epitome of lame when Vince is afraid of a UFC match.