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RAW RANT ARCHIVE (October 2006)

October 02, 2006
October 09, 2006
October 16, 2006
October 23, 2006


WWE RAW RANT: (10/02/06) By Cameron Burge

Let it be known that on last night’s brand new episode of Robot Chicken, they completely RIPPED US OFF. That’s right, Robot Chicken featured (Hulk) Hogan’s Heroes. I can only assume we plan to sue them for all they worth and soon TWF will own Cartoon Network and Adult Swim. Welcome to The Wrestling Swim.

Raw 10.02.06

Theme and pyro and we have power (da POWAH). The cage is down on the ring as Jr does his usual rant about it. We get Degeneration X as they rolls the GRAPHIC footage of the Hell in a Cell. Unfortunately, they don’t mean in the comic book sense which would have been way more entertaining. Batman in a Cell! Anyway they do their thing and Coach comes out to declare a Texas tornado match.

Degeneration X vs. The Highlanders vs. Hass & Viscera vs. Cade & Murdoch (Tornado Tag Team Match)

Everyone hits the ring and all hell breaks loose. Anyway, there is plenty of punching and stuff with the Highlanders get dumped to the floor. Hass gets double team by Viscera and Haas before making Viscera crush Haas on accident. Michaels and Trips take Viscera down and the Highlanders come in. The Highlanders fight with Cade while Murdoch takes a face buster and spills to the floor. Double DDT on Viscera from DX and Haas takes the Spine Buster. Michaels goes up top. Michaels hits the elbow drop followed by the superkick and then the pedigree for the win.
Winners: DX

Coach doesn’t agree with the results declaring that he runs the show. Trips says he and Michaels will just come down there and take over then for some reason. They chase Coach down the aisle as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Thank God it is the Last Stand as it was enough to give you a seizure and never be able to stand again.

Back to the show, they replay Hardy defeating Benjamin. Nitro and Melina hit ringside and Hardy gets lost along the way apparently, forgetting where the fans are.

Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro w/ Melina vs. Jeff Hardy (Intercontinental Title Match)

The match gets underway and Nitro attack with a series of hard uppercuts that send Hardy down hard. Nitro keeps the pressure on with Hardy playing defense until he takes a nasty spill to the floor. Hardy goes high...also he jumps over the ropes. Crash collision on the floor sends us off to an early commercial break.

Random Commercial Thought: Why the FUCK would I want something called a Fat Head?

Back to the match. Nitro has a chinlock on (take a shot). Hardy works to his knees and gets out, getting flung to the corner, but Whisper in the Wind tries to turn the tide. Hardy crashes and burns though and Nitro shuts Hardy down in the corner though with a baseball slides to his back into the ring post. Nitro picks up two then another two. Nitro starts using the hair to gain control of Hardy, placing his knee to the back and holding the arms. Hardy peels off a mule kick to turn the tide finally. They both stumble up and Hardy hits another kick for two. Nitro reaches to Melina, but Hardy slingshots him back down for two. JR calls him "Don’t call me Monday" Nitro as Nitro takes the Whisper this time for two. Melina saves Nitro by dragging him out next, but Hardy baseball slides then walks the rail to take them both down.

Hardy tosses Nitro back in the ring. Nitro goes up top and Hardy tosses him off to hit the Swanton on the champion for the win and the title. Melina squeals and cries like a wuss.
Winner: Hardy

After the match they play a video package of Edge winning his first title from Cena. DX goes to Coach’s locked door and tries to use the room service excuse. They then take a page from Blazing Saddles and offer a candy gram. Trips says Coach must be doing something no one wants to see and he’ll go blind. he then says Shawn said it was a sin as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: You would think Scarface would have more scars.

Back to the show. They pimp the "Season Premiere Family Reunion" before sending us to Maria who replays Jeff winning the title. Jeff says this is why he came back to Raw, now a living target for Carlito, Masters and uh....somebody? Anyway, Melina comes up after Maria talk about being in Strip poker and Hardy says he wants to see that. Melina starts screaming...just screaming no words. Jeff keeps covering her mouth.....ooookaaaayy....? We go to Coach on the phone with Vince. He has to leave his office and walks out like a deer in hunting season, looking around. DX is nowhere to be seen. He keeps walking only to be confronted by Hunter at the end of the hallway Shining style. he turns around and Shawn is at the other end as a Spaghetti western music plays....God this is gay. He escapes into the women’s locker room. Hunter and Shawn go in. Hunter sends Shawn after Coach and hangs out with the girls. We then go to Coach escaping only to find himself trapped in a room with a fat ass male stripper and dancing lights. He falls over a janitor and DX stalks over. Coach back away out into the parking lot and they scare him so much he turns and runs right into the trailer, knocking himself out. They dump him in a trash can, sending him off with the garbage man. They then play another Cena/Edge segment. Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: It’s that time of year again. Time for a bunch of sequels to Horror movies. Ever notice how horror movies don’t come out by Halloween but their sequels do?

Back to the show. DX takes over in person to the Spirit Squad. How knew that dumping your boss in a trash can is the way to get to the top? They ask what will happen if they don’t comply with the new dress code and come face to face with Sledgie. Umaga is out and Snitsky is already in the ring.

Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrradaaaa vs. Gene Snitsky

Umaga misses a charge and Snitsky starts unloading on him. He also punches and kicks. Snitsky takes Umaga down with a flying clothesline but Estrada gets his attention for Snitsky to eat the Drop press Samoan Drop. Snitsky takes the Ass Crash (is that a gay porno yet?) Followed by the spike for the loss.
Winner: Umaga

We go to Tard in the back with Orton who says Carlito doesn’t know cool, he does. He lists off cool things like beating Carlito and being a legend killer. Yet all those legends seem to still be annoyingly alive. False advertisement. He says RKO is cool as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: More Scarface. He has two different products out for such an old movie that is pretty good.

Back to the show. They pimp my state capital as if anything is even there before running a segment for The Marine.

I missed this whole fucking match thanks to my computer fucking up, so I hope you didn’t care too much. Anyway, Orton wins with a handful of tights. They replay Edge costing Cena the title to RVD and we go to DX. They are outside the Squad dressing room asking them to come out but they don’t want to in those outfits. Trips threatens them with Sledgie and they refuse so they threaten to strip them (HAHA!....strip) of the tag team titles. They agree finally as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: If you liked Texas Chainsaw Massacre try also The Jackhammer Massacre.

Back to Cryme Tyme. We learn not to sell out to Whitey. The Spirit Squad match is next. Now, because this match makes me want to kill myself I refuse to recap it. I don't have a convenient excuse, but damn, streak marks were mentioned and that’s all I needed. Sgt. Slaughter wins by thong distraction from DX against whoever he was wrestling. Commercials to cleanse our minds.

Random Commercial Thought: Beware his song about big butts. He beats you up while he plays it.

Back to the show. The Women’s match has been changed to being wrestled in lingerie by DX.

Victoria vs. Mickie James (Women’s Title Tournament Match)

Victoria gains the early advantage with some heavy blows (HAHA....blow) and sends Mickie to the corner. Victoria slingshot forearms Mickie off the ropes then Mickie starts coming back with kicks. Victoria tries to counter, but Mickie tackles her to the ground with rights and clotheslines. Mickie slams her down to the ground by the hair and goes up tops for the headscissors, but Victoria counters it into an apparent power bomb, but she switches it up into a Boston crab. Mickie escapes with a body scissors and gets tossed to the floor for her trouble. Mickie goes up top with a sunset flip, but Victoria sits on her with the ropes held. Jack catches it and calls her on it for Mickie to roll up for three and the win.
Winner: Mickie

Victoria throws a fit and throws a chair, apparently going psycho again as we run another Edge/Cena clip. Commercials? Don’t mind if I do.

Random Commercial Thought: Monkeys are nutritious.

Back to the show. They run a segment about Bischoff’s new book and DX pimps it for him when he runs into them back stage and Chris Masters. He says they actually are in the book when they ask and he says he called them a rip off of the NWO. They get mad and he leaves. Trips asks Masters if he will write a book and Chris says he’s been wanting to write one on nutrition. Trips asks if it will be called How to Lose 50 pounds in 4 weeks and Masters gets all pissed in the most girly way possible before leaving. Shawn asks if they are really a rip off and Hunter says he who laughs last laughs best. They practice their "Muahahaha" laughs as we go to the cage lowering dramatically and commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Click....click boom... *cough*

Back to the show. TLC match footage. Cena is out to a huge pop. Let me explain this. In Kansas the vast majority of the wrestling fans are female. They far outnumber the men. They replay Edge getting whipped last week as Cena gets in the cage.

WWE Champion John Cena vs. Edge w/Lita (WWE Championship Cage Match)

Cena takes an early series of cheap knees (they were on sale at Wal-Mart) then slams Edge into the cage a few times. He sends Edge to the turnbuckles and suplexes him out of it for a two count. His arm is all bandages and thus not so great. Edge takes a shot to it for him to makes Cena crumple. Edge targets it again and works the arm on the rope instead of say....the STEEL CAGE which would be a better weapon I would think. Cena rallies back and takes Edge tot he mat for another weakass two count. Cena sends Edge to the corner, but he just climbs right up the turnbuckle to the cage. Cena grabs him and slams him back down for two. Edge kicks Cena into the mesh. Edge goes for an arm bar on Cena and gets suplexed off. Cena hits the flip over facebuster for two. Cena tries to climb out one armed but Edge casually comes and jerks him down by the arm to slam it onto the top rope. He then spear Cena into the cage. Edge makes his great escape, but unfortunately this isn’t World War 2 and it fails. Cena meets him up top, slamming Edge’s head into the rim of the cage then slams them both down to the mat, mashing Edge’s face down as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I have Trail mix.

Back to the match where Edge has a headlock on Cena (take a shot). Cena suplexes out of it for two while the Marines who are "pulling for Cena" seem to not be paying attention at all. Edge gets his own two count then tries to crawl out of the door, but Cena grabs his foot and drags him back. Edge kicks him in the arm. Cena visits the steel cage for a bit since he missed it so much. Edge starts climbing out of the cage, but Cena catches him by the boot with Edge halfway out. They both straddle on top of the cage and start slugging at each other like toddlers. Cena almost gets dumped, but holds onto Edge’s leg. Edge tries to shake him off like he stepped in dog shit, but Edge finally comes falling back in after a suplex. Edge covers for two.

Edge uses the ropes to get up on the cage, but before he gets his feet off them Cena hits the ropes to leave him straddling them. Cena hits his usual offense with his other arm and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle after the Proto Bomb. Cena tries a one armed FU but Edge grabs the cage and holds on to send Cena into it. Cena and Edge both go up top. Edge tries an electric chair drop. Cena counters to an FU, but Edge counters again to an Edge-o-Matic for two. Edge crawls for the door since nobody can fucking walk for it in these matches. Cena grabs his leg, but Lita grabs his arms. The ref kicks her out once a chair is thrown into the ring.

Cena and Edge starts slugging it out with Cena eating a boot in the corner. Edge’s flying clothesline only takes out the ref as we get a random shot of some nerdy ass little girl in the audience looking confused as all fuck. Edge grabs the chair, but Cena counters and locks on the STFU. Cade and Murdoch comes out though and hit their tandem maneuver before picking up Edge. DX chants are beginning with Cena chants. They start dragging Edge super slowly out before Trips comes and drags Cade away. Shawn Superkicks Murdoch which send shim back into Edge sending him back inside the cage. Cena is back up and scoops Edge up for an FU. The ref counts the three and there it is.
Winner: Cena

That’s all for the show, don’t forget to visit the concessions stand as we know there isn’t fuck all else in Topeka.

Highlight of the Night: Hardy wins clean which is a nice twist on things for once. Been a while since we saw a clean win not involving Cena.

Lowlight of the Night: STREAKY UNDERWEAR.

Eugene Award: Highlanders still job to DX with no real reasoning whatsoever. What the fuck?

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/09/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to Monday Night Raw, now in WAY TOO FUCKING LONG format. To help me survive this onslaught of a wrestling clusterfuck, I’ve recruited our own Gershon Levy to fill out the middle of the show while I sandwich it with two more hours. Let’s get this show on the road.

Raw Reunion Show- 10/09/06

New Theme and entrance video. Both suck equally. Anyway we have all three announce crews here tonight. Cena is out first to good pops and my GOD that is the most ridiculous foam knux thing I have ever seen in the crowd. They replay the cage match clips. He declares this the season premiere as the 698th episode. He sends a message out to Edge and says Edge is out of the picture when Booker’s theme cuts in. Booker talks about how Cena is A champ and not THE champ. Cena responds with a pretty good English accent and tells how he beat Booker in the six-tag team. Cena and Booker are going to go down when Big show shows up to talk them both down. He says he’s the greatest giant and Cena reminds him of Andre. Big Show gets some good heat by saying if Andre were still around, he’d kick his ass too. Cena’s movie gets punked. Big show says he was in a movie called The Waterboy in which every scene he was in he did in one take. Booker reminds him he was in it for 42 seconds and he’s taken longer shits. Cena asks Booker if the great movie he’s talking about is Mr. Nanny. Booker says the greatest movie is Ready to Rumble. Cena and Big Show die laughing. Cena decides that’s enough movie talk and they should go at it and Big Show ends up with the upper hand on everyone. JBL calls King a midget and tells him to shut up. We go to the back where Coach, Heyman and Long are all bitching at each other as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: EAT THE SANDWICH.

Okay we come back at the GMs set up matches for each other’s champions. Heyman picks RVD vs. Booker T. Coach picks Big Show vs. Jeff Hardy and Long picks Cena vs. Undertaker despite Coach’s suggestion of THE MIZ. Anyway to ringside with Umaga and Kane.

Kane vs. Umaga (Loser Leaves Raw)

Kane starts with heavy right, but Umaga fights back. Kane gains the upper hand and crushes Umaga with a clothesline in the corner. He tries to come running again, but Umaga derails that train and starts kicking Kane down. Kane eats a headbutt and Umaga runs into an elbow in the corner before being slung face first into the ring post. Kane goes up top and comes down as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: When you remove stains, sing to them! It makes it work faster.

Back to the show. Umaga is pummeling Kane on the ground in the corner with rights. During the break, Umaga hit the Samoan Drop on Kane. Kane catches Umaga running at him in the corner with a chokeslam, but Umaga counters to a belly to belly. Kane sits up and attacks, but Umaga hits a facebuster. Umaga hits a flying splash/headbutt on Kane and signals the spike. Kane blocks and catches the arm to grab Umaga’s throat. Umaga counters that though only to take a sidewalk slam. Kane goes up top and hits the flying clothesline. Kane signal a chokeslam, but uses it on Estrada on the apron. Umaga attacks from behind but Kane kicks him off. Estrada hits Kane and Umaga takes him down from behind with the Spike for the win.
Winner: Umaga

Kane gets big chants after the match and walks off into the sunset....er, Titantron as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: I decided to stare at the wall to see if I could tell the difference. Results are as of yet undetermined.

Back to the show. The coach of something is here tonight. Anyway, Taz pimps the ECW champion’s match and then JBL pimps the Smackdown match. King gets the honor of pimping Taker/Cena. We go to the back with Kane. The Highlanders stop him. Rory says even though he lost, they just want to say they would be honored to give him a parting handshake. Kane kicks their asses because we have to bury these poor guys with someone every week.

Elsewhere, DX has a podium and has to issue formal apologies to the following people. The entire Tag Team division for single-handedly decimating them. The Spirit Squad. They throw out the one for making Coach look like- and then Masters for looking like-....er...and then to Edge for making him lose. Cade and Murdoch for beating them within an inch of their lives in a street fight, which Hunter points out hasn’t happened yet. Shawn asks if they are live and Trips says they are. Shawn asks what they should do to fill the timeslot then and they pimp their gear. Commercials!...brought to you by Dx.

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 3. We saw it already! Been there, SEEN it.

Back to the show. They replay Jeff Hardy’s IC title win before our ECW announcers call the match for us. Joey styles tells us and I quote "Tonight’s show is brought to us by Fruity fruity fruity fruity fruity Skittles." Big Show is out next.

ECW Champion The Big Show vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy

According to Joey, Big Show uses Hardy as a Florescent Frisbee. Hardy tries to fight back with low kicks and comes running off the ropes right into a clothesline. Big Show powerslams and gets on the middles ropes in the corner for an ass drop, but Hardy rolls out of the way. Hardy starts pummeling and dropkicks the knee. He signals the Twist of Fat, but Show tries to throw him out only to get hung on the top rope. Whisper in the Wind knocks Show out cold. Swanton hits and Hardy covers for two. Hardy takes the Big Sleep then the Showstopper for the loss.
Winner: Big Show

Show annihilates Hardy a little more then we get a trailer for The Marine as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Saint’s Row is surprisingly not put out by the Catholic Church.

So, I'm fucking lazy and don’t want to do all of this. Here’s my man-servant Gersh with the next hour.

Thanks Cameron, I think. Me being here at all is my fault because no one should have to suffer through three hours of wrestling and I offered to do the middle hour. Hopefully I'll get something worth my time.

Next is the street fight. We get the classic DX entrance first to a nice pop and Hunter's Michael Buffer impression though if he said "rumble" instead of "suck it" he'd get sued. Trips says they got Vince a present and wondered where they could find one big enough to satisfy him. They show the University of South Carolina mascot (the gamecock) and of course they "beat off" a few cheap cock jokes. He clears up the confusion by stating he is the game and that is the cock. Cade and Murdoch are next and we are ready for the third week in a row of this match.

DX vs. Cade and Murdoch (Suck It Redneck Style YEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWW!!!)

All four in the ring to start and Hunter does a facebuster then a clothesline over the top to Cade. He then slams Murdoch and Shawn goes to the top rope but Cade pushes him off. Trips goes after Cade on the outside while Murdoch beats up on HBK in the ring. Murdoch helps out and throws Hunter into the steel steps. Back in the ring, Cade hits Michaels with an inverted atomic drop and Murdoch clocks him with a boot to the face. Murdoch takes off his belt (and thankfully nothing else) and whips Shawn a few times. Hunter takes Cade to the outside and hits a suplex on the steel ramp. He then takes a chair and busts a nut, I mean busts him wide open. A guest appearance by a table is made and Murdoch is set up on it as Shawn goes to the top rope and hits an elbow to go right through the table. HBK starts tuning up the band and we get Sweet Chin Music followed by a Pedigree and pin. And this intense street fight that only lasted about five minutes is over.
Winners: DX

Edge and Lita are watching from backstage and Tard Grisham asks him about DX causing him to lose his title match last week. He says he's bringing back the Cutting Edge tonight to Blockbuster because it was due back two weeks ago. Oh he has a talk show with that name? I forgot about that since it was so fucking boring!

After a commercial we see a replay of what happened to Kane. Pretty sad he got beat by a cigar and a thumb. Shelton comes out and gets a nice pop from the hometown crowd. He says he won't leave the ring until he gets some competition and he certainly gets it as Chris Benoit is his opponent.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Benoit (Do they have blacks in Canada?)

Benoit attacks quickly and hits a German suplex but Benjamin is able to grab the ropes and break it. He then puts a chin lock on but Benoit breaks out of that. He hits a couple of clotheslines and then hits the Hat Trick (which JR stupidly calls the Three Amigos which are not German suplexes). Shelton comes back but Benoit is able to counter and lock in the Crossface to which Shelton taps.
Winner: Chris Benoit

Teddy Long and Paul Heyman are backstage talking about the dominance of their own respective wrestler's performances tonight. Coach brings in Super Crazy who has represented all three shows. They each ask him if the brand they represent was the best for him and he says "si" to each. He then basically says all three shows are great and well this is just stupid.

Chavo is out next with Vickie who is now his "business manager". How about with that kickback she is getting she gets a personal trainer? William Regal is next and hope he keeps his "willie" in his pants. Finlay is last. Lashley (or as I like to call him a buff Wayne Brady, think he can do improv?). Mysterio then makes his entrance and finally my hometown boy Batista. It's nice to see Smackdown representing on Raw by having the same match they have pretty much every week.

Chavo Guerrero w/ Vickie, Finlay, and Wee Willie Regal vs. Lashley, Rey Mysterio and Batista (The Best Smackdown Has to Offer, I'm Pretending It's Friday and Going Out)

Chavo starts off trading a series of punches and kicks with Rey. Chavo tries to drop Rey out of the ring but he gets a hurricanrana which takes Chavo out of the ring. He goes to the top and jumps on Regal and Finlay and hits a double hurricanrana on them and almost goes for the "1238" but they escape. They go to triple team Rey on the outside but Lashley and Batista break it up as we go to commercial.

We're back unfortunately as Rey gives Finlay a drop toe hold into the corner but he gets right up and hits a shoulder breaker. Chavo tags in and Rey kicks him in the head a couple times. Regal interferes and prevents the tag which distracts the ref and they do the older than your great-great grandmother cliché that the ref didn't see it so it doesn't count but expect later in the match the heels to do the same thing and get away with it. Eventually Batista gets the hot tag and cleans house with a broom and a body slam. He goes for a pin but Regal and Finlay interfere and Lashley spears both. Rey then goes to the top and hits a hurricane-rana on Chavo, followed by a 619, a spine buster from Batista and a frog splash from Rey which leads to the three count.
Winners: Lashley, Batista & Rey

We're back and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it's fucking Mae Young (with a walker) and Moolah. Well thankfully it was just an appearance because they're both local. Then we get John Cena training with actual Marines for umm, The Marine. I would much rather see him getting rap lessons from white rappers.

King Booker and Sharmell are backstage and he blurts out a bunch of jibber jabber although it was funny that he moved from Raw to "Smackethdown". Melina then makes her entrance, but not her usual one as we go to commercial and I hand it back over it Cameron (thank the freaking lord). I'll be back tomorrow for Extreme Strip Poker. I'm actually postponing a date until Wednesday to recap it, can you believe that?

I’m Back bitches. WORSHIP ME. Anyway, We get a thing of John Cena running through actual Marine drills and blowing up worse than Big Show in a five minute jog. We go to Booker T cutting a promo on RVD and his wife hails King Booker. Is it just me or did she get less ugly?

We get back and all the Divas from the diva Strip Poker come out to be lumber jacks for the match and uh.....damn I’m drooling o.O

Torrie vs. Melina (Women's Title Tournament Lumberjack Match)

Anyway Torrie opens with arm drags of death. Melina sends her to the apron and repeatedly knocks her off of it for the lumber-bitches to push her back in. Torrie finally gains the advantage with a suplex for two once back inside. She runs into a boot to the stomach in the corner and a face buster gets Melina two. Torrie takes her down next as the announcers fight with one another. Torrie dropkicks Krystal for being annoying and Melina rolls her up for three.
Winner: Melina

After the match Torrie pulls Krystal in and gives her the Facial in the corner as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Mystery Commercial.

World Champion King Booker w/ Sharmell vs. Rob Van Dam

Booker is here and followed by RVD. No fuss, no mess here we go.
RVD takes some shots early from Booker to the crowd’s dismay, but easily recovers, hitting some kicks on Bookers. He moonsaults Booker in the corner, scoring a two count. Rob attempts his back flip shoulder charge and eats ring post for his trouble. Booker hits a Harlem sidekick for two of his own. Booker goes for the dreaded headlock (take a shot) and Rob gets free, reversing a backdrop with a kick. Rob counters a knee to the gut into a rollup for two. Rob blocks getting his head slammed in the corner with his foot then brings it up into Booker’s face. RVD starts controlling as Booker seemingly dances into a reverse elbow. Rob goes up top and Sharmell trips him up to rack himself. He falls off and Booker sets him up and Scissors him down for the win.
Winner: Booker T

After the match we sneak off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: I went to get more pizza.

Back to the show. Cyme Tyme works out with da white bitch. Mitch then tells us he sucks but he’s going to change that by beating Ric Flair tonight. The GMs are arguing over who’s show sucks more (or whether that is what they SHOULD be saying). Vince shows up and says what a Family Reunion would be without its Patriarch. He says he considers them all his children, though his illegitimate children in this case. Anyway Vince suggests all three champions show up at Cyber Sunday to decide the Champion of Champions.

Random Commercial Thought: Watch out there's a guy trying to strap you to a complicated piece of mechanical equipment!

They run a thing about The Marine Premiere. Anyway Spirit Squad is in the ring and since Mitch said Flair had no friends....out comes Roddy Piper followed Ted Dibiassi and IR-FUCKING-S. And then Double A Arn Anderson rounds them out. Arn leads the charge around the ring, chasing off the Squad and leaving Mitch by himself.

Mitch vs. Ric Flair w/ The Golden Oldies

Mitch opens with a thumb to the eye and a cheap shot, but Flair comes back with chops and the chopblock. Mitch sells the chopblock like his leg was just sawed off. Ric immediately locks on the Figure Four to end it. Ric and friends celebrate in the ring.
Winner: Flair

Flair struts and Piper mock struts as we see Edge on his way and go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Curse of the haunted hoodie.

We come back to a Cyber Sunday pimp (Heh....Cyber Pimp....) and here comes Edge. He calls out Orton to his interview segment to tell him he hasn’t done shit. He shows footage of Randy being beaten by Evolution two years ago (funniest tag line o f"Two Years Ago" on the bottom of the screen) then him getting beaten by Cena and DX. He wants to unite against DX. Randy accepts and looks like he’s about to make out with Edge. So what are they now? Anti-DX? De-Degeneration X? Commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Bring it on...to my bed.

Back to the show. here’s Cena. And we wait....for a gong. Finally the lights go down and Taker is on his way out, smog and all. Why aren’t the government officials all over Taker for pollution?

WWE Champion John Cena vs. The Undertaker

Taker is moving lively for a zombie, who apparently now all take boxing lessons. Taker chokes Cena in the corner until Cena turns the tables for punches. Taker chucks him back in for rights of his own then scares off the ref. Kick to the face only pisses Taker off. Orton eats a big boot and crashes for two. Taker goes for old school, but Cena counter for a suplex. Taker just shoves him off, but Cena runs back up to finally get the superplex for two. John goes back to punches and gets pulled into a bear hug. JR tells us what Cena is thinking since he’s obviously psychic.

Shoulderblock takes Undertaker down as he signals Five Knuckle Shuffle. The You Can't See Me pose is counter by a choke grabs for a chokeslam. Cena escapes, but Taker shuts him down. Cena counters back and scoops Taker up only to be reversed into a Tombstone,. Cena escapes and attempts an FU. Take slips out and chokeslams Cena before Booker and Big Show run in on him. Taker fights them off when Kennedy (KENNEDY) runs in to get a big boot on the apron (Gershon: geez...he waits three hours to run into a foot).

Taker takes Kennedy out down the ramp as Show sneak attacks Booker. Cena catches Show off guard with a DDT and puts on the STFU. Show taps. Booker recovers and attacks only to get an FU for his trouble. Cena leaves them both broken as the Announcers send us off and the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Benjamin/Benoit was fun so I’ll give it to that.

Lowlight of the Night: Big Superstars return for a one minute match. Oh yippy.

Eugene Award: Three hours of "fun" to counteract a rematch between Shamrock and Ortiz. That’s just the epitome of lame when Vince is afraid of a UFC match.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/16/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome to the show where if you want it, we write it down...then we ship it to the analytical department. They throw some darts at it, mill it over with a cop of coffee (while using it for the cup holder) then eventually mark as "Return to Sender" and pretend they never saw anything at all.

Raw 10.16.06

The show opens with shitty theme and pyro leading us to Lillian to introduce a match who is immediately cut off by the DX theme. We instead get Randy Orton and Edge in the creepiest disguises ever. I’m pretty sure I’d like to kill myself now. "Triple H’ falls asleep during the pose and prat falls. Edge says they don’t need this crap to get people excited and only idiots and twelve year olds like that sort of humor. Orton says DX thinks they can do whatever they want because the people encourage them. He says tonight and from here on out he and Edge will put an end to that. They have two words for us. We apparently suck. The DX theme plays again and the actual DX comes out. They giggle.

Shawn asks Hunter if he really looks like that much of an idiot. Hunter says he won’t lie and conveniently doesn’t answer, moving on to Orton and Edge. Hunter asks if anyone honestly thinks they are jokes. He then says that at least they don’t and ask if anyone remembers the live sex show. They mock Edge’s sex drive. Apparently Orton is the most downloaded superstar on the whole web....among the gay community. They show a picture of Orton in a towel and one of Shawn and are about to show one of Orton and a midget when Orton says he wants Hunter tonight, but he says he doesn’t swing that way. Anyway, Hunter accepts the challenge and a fight breaks out as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Bully is Grand Theft Auto meets the Sims.

Back to the show. The Carters are wrestling each other in the aisle and the Spirit Squad comes out actually wrestling a TAG TEAM MATCH. It’s an open challenge and Cryme Tyme is out. The Signs says Cryme Tyme not only stole their sign, but also their lunch money.

Cryme Tyme vs. World Tag Team Champion The Spirit Squad (Non-title Match)

JTG makes fun of the Spirit Squad before starting off with Mikey. Mikey hits a shoulder block and take over takes him down. Dropkick from JTG leads in to Big Shaft.(is that his name?) Double team maneuver of a leapfrog splash in the corner. Mike gets the upper hand on JTG. Johnny picks up a cover on JTG. JTG picks up a double neck breaker on them and escapes as Shaft tags in to knock everyone flat. Back body drop goes to the one man flapjack. He hits a huge kick for two when Johnny break it up. He counters their assault with a double clothesline and JTG stops the interference. Cryme Tyme hits a double team finishers of a fireman's carry and flip over neck breaker into a Samoan drop for the win.
Winners: Cryme Tyme

Off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Jim Carrey once again graces USA with the same damn movie he always does. Liar Liar.

During the break, Kenny went off on the squad and they started to fighting. Kenny said the Squad has become a bunch of losers and chucked his headband at them. They interview Melina and Nitro who will be introducing one of their celebrity friends tonight. The Marine came out last Friday so they note that. We go to Booker and Sharmell with The coach in the back. Cryme Tyme comes in and raids the food. JTG says the food if Free.99. They talk to them in street before Booker declares he doesn’t speak in Ebonics when they leave. It turns out Cryme Tyme stole Booker’s wallet. he breaks down from his Elite speak (as opposed to l33t) as we go to Hardy on his way to his title match and commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Its raining Midgets.

Back to the show. Jeff is in the ring waiting on his opponents for the match. Super Crazy, Masters (who is already there) and Shelton Benjamin who has been stopped very well.

Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Masters vs. Super Crazy vs. Shelton Benjamin (Intercontinental Championship Fatal Fourway Match)

The Bell rings and everyone tackles each other with big Hardy chants. Crazy hits a headscissors to send Benjamin to the floor while Masters works Hardy over. Hardy comes flying at him to knock him down with some goofy "I’ll jump at you!" move. Shelton eats the ring barrier while Hardy is choked out in a corner. Shelton leaps up to the top rope on Crazy when he goes up top, but Masters comes and suplexes them both up, trying to cover everyone for only two counts as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Sorry I was distracted by breasts.....what?

Back to the show. Benjamin sends Hardy down for a two count. Hardy gets a sunset flip for nothing when Masters runs in after Hardy sends Shelton to the floor. Masters misses a clothesline in the corner and counters the Twist of fate to send Hardy into a super kick from Shelton. Masters dumps him. Crazy and Benjamin botch a missile dropkick to send Shelton to the floor. Masters gets rolled up for two and his offense is countered into the MASTERfull Nelson. Shelton springboards off the ropes and over Crazy to hit a Blockbuster on Masters. Masters eats a Stinger splash from Shelton who has to reverse elbow Crazy. Crazy drops to his knees and Hardy Poetry in Motions Shelton and Masters. Jeff hits the whisper on Benjamin for two then dumps Crazy. Twist of Fate then nails Masters. Hardy goes up top for the Swanton and the three.
Winner: Hardy

We go to the back with Booker describing the thieves. He says they all look alike to him. Big Show shows up and they talk each other down. Vince then shows up to shut them up. He wants to know why Cena isn’t here yet and sends people to search while we seek out commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: This commercial is full of bull-"sit".

Back to the show. Melina and Nitro introduce their friend. They say it’s a man and I quit caring. Anyway it turns out to be Kevin Fedderline. Heh....yeah....He appears to have crawled out from beneath a rock. Anyway, he demands we stop booing Nitro and Melina and refuses to rap for anyone and Cena comes out. He decides to finally rap again for the first time in a while, saying he might not be as good as Kevin. Anyway he says he’d be fucking Britney without Kevin in the way and fights Nitro for a minute before Booker and Show arrive followed by Vince. Vince announces that at Cyber Sunday one of the titles will be on the line for us to choose which one. Cena doesn’t leave when everyone else does. Kevin is still at ringside and he says everyone is copying him according to Kevin so if voting has started now, he wants to know which one Kevin picks. He picks Cena’s duh and then Cena FUs him after the microphones are tossed aside. Where are the commercials I ordered?

Random Commercial Thought: Saw 3 is out this weekend. Hopefully I’ll be able to go see it.

Back to the show. Steve-O is here from Jackass 2 like I care.

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Robert Conway

Conway is in the ring, waiting on Carlito and he attacks early. Carlito chops him the fuck down with ease. Conway almost picks up three after a Million Dollar knee lift by rolling Carlito up. Carlito decides he’s had enough of that and hits the Apple Jack for the win. He spits in Conway’s face with the apple. What’s up with that shitty goatee Carlito is rocking now?
Winner: Carlito

In the back Edge talks to Vince. He has another groundbreaking announcement for DX. They decide to add a special ref to the match as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What the hell is this crap? I don’t even understand some of these commercials.

Back to the show. The morons from Jackass 2 are announced by Tard and they says they came here to kick ass and whoop some butt. Tard points out they dropped their lighter when they jumped in. He asks what their favorite superstar is and it’s Shane and themselves. Armando interrupts them. Long story short: Worst talking ever from these guys as they prepare to wrestle Umaga. Steve back flips off the top turnbuckle to cheers. They then slingshot each other at Umaga who crushes them like ants. Steve laughs at Chris for getting a Samoan drop. So he gets knocked down too. Umaga goes up top to squish him more. He stomps on him a bit too while he’s at it. We go to the back with Maria getting ready for her match and then commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: not a single commercial for The Marine? My God!

Oh here it is, some Marine footage. It’s a last chance Bra and Panties Match amongst the losers. Uh....hey look over there! *runs the other way*

Is it over? okay, so Maria wins....wait...Maria wins?!

Random Commercial Thought: Weed is for chumps....now Cocaine. That’s some good shit.

Back to the show. We get more Bischoff stuff. Now, as DX comes out to the ring, I would like to point out that the Cyber Sunday logo is a rip off of the Metroid Prime Logo essentially. We get out usual intro here blah blah, Orton Gay joke, blah blah blah. Orton is out next.

Randy Orton w/ Edge vs. Triple H w/ Shawn Michaels

Orton starts off hot, countering with an elbow in the corner on Hunter. Hunter sends him spilling to the floor right over the ropes where Orton rolls around holding his knee as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Feast upon them all! Why don’t monsters ever eat anything besides people?

Back to the show. Lita strolls down the aisle as a distraction since Hunter is dispensing the ownage worse than a l33t WoW player. Edge DDTs Hunter on the outside when Orton chucks him out there. Michaels has to be restrained by the ref as Orton tosses him back in. Randy tries a headlock of death (shot) and Hunter powers out only to eat canvas for three two counts in a row. Hunter finally regains the advantage with a series of rights, staggering Randy then sending him to the mat. The Game hits the Harley Race knee and stomps on Orton in the corner like a red-headed stepchild.

Thumb to the eye (VILE thumb according to JR. Guess he doesn’t wash it.) Hunter starts to regain the offensive, but Edge distracts for an inverted neck breaker from Orton. He rolls over, holding his knee in pain but gets a two count. Orton tries for an RKO, but the AA Spine buster is what he gets countered into instead. Lita distracts the ref while a low blow from Edge shuts down Hunter. Shawn gets all pissed and Orton grabs a chair. The ref works AROUND the guy with a weapon to find Lita as well. Michaels low blows Orton and Hunter uses the chair to shut him down completely for the win.
Winner: Hunter

Oh well. That was...less than entertaining. There’s the show for you. As for me, I have a very important..."meeting" to attend to. (*cough*) So I’ll see you all next week.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

WWE RAW RANT: (10/23/06) By Cameron Burge

Welcome back. Nothing like leading into Raw with some good old fashioned Muslim Religious Killing on Law & Order. Unfortunately Sabu was not available for comment and when we called Hassan he replied with the cryptic "I’m Italian you fucking Pizano!" Which is obviously some sort of code for Jihad or something.

Raw 10.23.06

And here we go. In case you care, K-fed will be back tonight. You know, because we DIDN’T get enough of horribly pasty rappers who look more like they belong in Weird Al’s White and Nerdy video rather than anywhere near the title of MC.

Epileptic Theme leads to the pyro and we are in Chicago. How ironic that our main event features two WHITE rappers. They run a billion news clips about Cena/K-fed and apparently since the publicity was so big we have to seem roe of this fuck up. Kevin comes out and asks if we want to know why he is back here. Payback. Paying me back for the minutes of my life you cost by watching that shit? (My friend Rachael says: Britney should wrestle and bring the baby.) He says he has people who will annihilate Cena at Cyber Sunday and introduces King Booker.

Booker talks about how great Kevin is and how his CD is a treasure. (Gersh: his CD is such a treasure i am going to put it in my throne and take a royal shit on it) He oh so subtly says it should be Cena’s title up for grabs at CS (ARE YOU SMOKING YET?!). Show comes out to respond to Booker declaring himself the winner in advance. Show and Booker argue over what Booker T should be called. He says it is a fantasy and he will win. He says everyone knows this. Cena eventually comes out while they begin to argue. Cena says he looks in the ring and sees the big Royal Pain in the Ass. Cena says Big Show has been in two movies: Ghostbusters and Return of the Jedi as Jaba the Hutt and the Marshmallow man. He gets on to Booker and says he crossed the line tonight to call Kevin’s album a treasure. He officially declares Booker to now be white as Farooq comes out but they call him Ron Simmons as if that name isn’t gay at ALL. He says "Damn!" and walks away. (BUAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!) Cena says that instead of playing with fire Kevin would have better luck playing with himself as we skip off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Follow me if you want to live!

Back to the show. Melina is entering to the ring for her semifinal match followed by Mickie James.

Mickie James vs. Melina (Women’s Tournament Semi-finals)

Melina attacks early and takes Mickie to the corner but the ref makes her back off. Mickie gets pissed and pounds her into the mat after pouncing. Melina tries to crawl to safety and Melina has to kick her off to start kneeing her in the face. She takes Mickie down for a one count and rides her likes a poney as she punches her in the back of the head. Melina locks on a modified Dragon Sleeper but Mickie escapes. Melina grabs her in it again and clubs her in the chest until Mickie starts knee up at her face and counters to a fisherman’s suplex for two. Mickie makes the rebound and elbows Melina with reverse elbows for two. She goes into a punches combo and clothesline for a flapjack on Melina.

Mickie fires up the crowd and signals the Double D DDT, but Melina escapes into a swinging neck breaker for two. Melina gets pissed and screams. Mickie hits her head scissors in the corner into the tornado DDT for the big cover and the win.
Winner: Mickie

They pimp Cena/Nitro as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: Women don’t get to choose who they sleep with. That’s just a myth.

Back to the show. Jeffy boy is here for his tag match with these other jokers. Two of them could be his opponent at CS….oh and also Chris Masters was there.

Shelton Benjamin & Chris Masters vs. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy & Carlito Caribbean Cool

Shelton starts us off with Jeff and takes the early advantage, clocking Jeff to the mat hard. He send Hardy to the floor and Chris body slams him on the outside with the distraction by Shelton in the ring with the ref. Jeff lunges for his corner and a tag, but Shelton drags him away and tags in Masters. Chris hit’s a heavy suplex and floats over for the two count before switching back out for Shelton. Shelton hit’s a VISCIOUS….headlock(take a shot) and chants for Hardy begin.

Shelton tosses him down and tags in Masters who slams Hardy around for a couple of stiff forearm shots then lets Shelton right back in. He’d probably blow up if he didn’t take a break every five seconds I guess. Shelton makes the mistake of whipping Hardy to get himself hit with the Whisper in the Wind. Carlito tags in finaly and hit’s a springboard reverse elbow on Shelton. He flapjacks Shelton and has to shut Masters down. Carlito jumps over both of them to springboard senton on one then roll through and springboard off the opposite ropes to the other. Shelton then casually scoops Carlito into a pin after Masters slings Hardy into him.
Winners: Shelton & Masters

Jeff and Carlito get all pissed at each other until they have to fight off Shelton and Masters. JR then oh so subtly declares that we can vote for Jeff vs. Carlito….before pausing and eventually remembering to add there are other choices too. Commercials!

Random Commercial Thought: Jack Black is….the king of Luchadores!

Back to the show. Um the Chicago Bears are here. Oddly enough we go to Tard in the back with De-Degeneration X. I completely zoned in this promo. Apparently Vince and Coach and someone will be a ringside or some such crap, I don’t know. I just find it hard to care about ANYTHING Edge gets involved in anymore. We go to Nitro and K-fed who pimp his album INCESSANTLY as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: American Haunting is about incest! Please don’t buy it!

Back to the show. Melina and Nitro are here and she’s changed into a much sexier outfit for the occasion. Here comes Cena and here we go.

Johnny Nitro w/ Melina & Kevin Federline vs. WWE Champion John Cena (Non-title Match)

Cena starts off early with a quick blow and knee to the gut. He follows through into a running reverse elbow to pick up a quick count. He hit’s a fisherman suplex out of the corner and K-fed distracts Cena on the apron. Melina distracts the ref and Nitro comes from behind to pounce Cena. Nitro takes control of the situation with a headlock (take a shot). He keeps the pressure on to send Cena tumbling out to the announce table. K-fed starts talking trash and bitchslaps Cena. Cena is about to go after him but Nitro tackles him and slams him into the table. And who the FUCK decided Melina needs to scream like the fucking banshee from X-men in every match?

Cena sends Nitro to the corner in the ring, but misses a running clothesline, allowing Nitro to catch him with a bulldog for two. Nitro locks on a Rear naked choke, but Cena eventually escapes to hit his general offense into the protobomb. He hit’s the five knuckle shuffle before Marine Saluting and hitting the FU for three.
Winner: Cena

After the match Cena chases Kevin down the aisle until big Show and Booker rush out to stop him. They beat him down and he takes a Chokeslam in the ring, but booker hits his Scissors kick to be the last man standing as we go to commercial.

Random Commercial Thought: What kind of new breed is brooding in Ecw anyway? Are they all like inbred mutants or something? That might explain the Sandman.

Back to the show. They show Cryme Tyme winning last week and Kenny leaving the Squad behind afterward, but he’s still there it seems. Mikey and Nicky are out to face Cryme Tyme without putting the titles on the line.

Cryme Tyme vs. The World Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (Non-title Match)

JTG starts us off with Mikey but JTG attacks the guy on the apron only to get hit from behind. He gets doubled teamed until Mikey and Nicky double team moonsault him for two. Mikey rakes the eyes and tags in Nicky who springs JTG off the ropes for two. Mkey is in with a teverse chinlock and JTG elbows out. JTG escapes to tag in Shad who takes turns clothes lining both of them. He catches Johnny off the turnbuckle while the ref is distracted and tosses him over the ropes onto Mitch. The ref is still distracted as they hit their tandem finisher. They say what it’s called but I’m calling it the Hate Cryme.
Winners: Cryme Tyme

Kenny gets pissed after the match and hits his flying leg drop on his fallen teammate and says he’s had it with how much these guys suck. He quits and says he’ll get the job done himself against Ric Flair. Off to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Babies are like little retards.

Back to the show. Awesomely enough they do the this week in Wrestling History with Chamber of Horrors match. They make fun of the whole affair just trashing the fuck out of it. It was so awesome. We go to ringside with Eugene and the shirt cannon. Estrada comes out to tell us Umaga can face the US champ, Sandman or Kane at CS. He says he’s chosen Eugene as Umaga’s latest victim. He goes to say Samoan Bulldozer UUUUUM-OOOOOHH! When he gets a shirt in the balls. Why does that thing always hit the balls with bullseye accuracy?

Umaga goes crazy on Eugene and hits his Samoan drop. He beats Eugene around for a bit and tears off his Bears Jersey before finally knocking him in the corner with his ass crash. Commercials ahoy!

Random Commercial Thought: Since when was Will Smith a "Bad boy" anyway? He got beat up in his hood for living with his mama, that’s why he had to move to Bellaire in the first place.

Back to the show. They run a Tokyo segment and we see Eugene being taken care of in the back. Hacksaw fires him up saying he’s too nice and Eugene starts kicking his ass and screaming at everyone before we go to ringside. Kenny lied earlier and brought his backup with him, minus one member. Ric comes out and bring his backup this time again with Slaughter, Piper and then Dusty Rhodes.

Ric Flair w/ Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper & Dusty Rhodes vs. World Tag Team Champion Kenny w/ The Spirit Squad

Flair starts with chops and Kenny backdrops him before going up top and coming off on Flair for a quick two count. He starts unleashing on the Nature Boy and spazzing out, removing his arm straps. Flair comes back with chops and whips Kenny off the ropes into the chop. The squad grabs flair by the ankle and Kenny rolls him up with a handful of tights for the quick win.
Winner: Kenny

Flair gets pissed and grabs him and everyone runs into the ring with The Squad getting owned as Kenny leaves them to their ass beating. After the legends do a dancing celebration we get a Marine video.

Random Commercial Thought: You know, they’ve ran the same four commercials every break. I need some damn variety here folks.

Back to the show. Tard interviews DX and I sort of zone out again. I just really don’t find these old style promos that entertaining anymore, not that I did to begin with, but focusing on them seems like work. Anyway, they chat and pimp their merchandizing and we get the breakdown of the Cyber Sunday card. Bischoff meets up with Coach and Vince in the back and Vince sends off Coach to talk to Bischoff about them helping each other out over the book and DX as we go to commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Why is it that the WCW actions figures were so much cooler than any of the WWE ones ever have been?

Back to the show. Um, our crew of heels are here at ringside as we are followed up with DX, the crowd seems unenthused despite what King says. DX does their general introduction in which they relate De-Degeneration X to Siegfried and Roy. When Orton comes out his pants make me want to kill myself with a rusty spork as we go from the entrance right back into commercials.

Random Commercial Thought: Orton must have borrowed those pants from Hugh Heffner.

Back to the show.

Triple H w/ Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton w/ Edge & Lita

Orton starts off with Trips on the defensive, punching him in the corner, until Trips turns the tables and starts beating Orton around. He tells Orton to suck it before hitting the race knee and keeping the pressure on. Trips gets dumped to the outside and tries to get back in the ring but is hung up on the top turnbuckle, allowing him to get the two count off a dropkick. Orton starts going to town on Hunter in the corner with rights before a DDT shuts him down entirely. Hunter finally comes back with some rights to hit the face buster but Lita trips him up on the ropes and hunter tries to drag her in by the hair. Orton takes him from behind ((HAHA! Gay joke…) And gets the inverted backbreaker. Michaels gets on the apron and Orton sandwiches the ref into him. Hunter tries to pedigree Orton, but Edge runs in with the spear. Michaels sends Edge over the announce table and Superkicks coach. Edge slams Michaels into the ring post and sets back up in the ring for another spear. Hunter just dodges and send shim running out through the ropes. Bischoff provides Orton with a chair and the ref crawls in for the three.
Winner: Orton

The heels celebrate as the show goes off the air.

Highlight of the Night: Melina’s hair! Heh heh…get it?! Highlights!….Shut up.

Lowlight of the Night: Kevin Federline shares the stage with all three of the champions. Can we say, David Arquette?

Eugene Award: Kevin returns to bitchslap the WWE Champion and get away with it. Oh wonderful, now he has an excuse to be on next week too.

Send Feedback to Cameron Burge

Cameron Burge is TWF's resident "Mr. Monday Night", penning the "Best Damn Raw Rant, Period" appearing every..umm, Monday night. That's right. Also known as "The REAL Inferno" (not to be confused with all those impostors out there) Cameron was hand picked by Michael Melchor himself to assume any and all RAW responsibilities. A selfless man, Cameron has also dedicated most of his organs to science. (which makes his current day to day life quite uncomfortable.) Read his Raw Reports or die.

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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).